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Mar. 25th, 2013

angelak: (Attitude)
Feeling pretty good today. Woke up feeling that way. Well rested and productive. It’s obvious that running changes my outlook in the rest of my life. I know that Yoga is important too and does similar things, but for the moment it feels good to FOCUS ON ONE THING for just half a second. Everywhere in my life feels like a great, giant – energy dispersal. It’s not focus and honed in, it’s being split in many directions and I have to be quite honest, that costs me a lot sometimes.

I take note here that when I was younger, I often delved into things intensely, but they were one or two things. This feels a lot better on an overall emotional level maybe. Last 12 months it’s been a rush of flip-flopping, division, and juggling. Each has its pros and cons.
Having two major relationships is certainly one aspect of this. There are times when reconciling the “two homes” nature of everything gets larger than life. “Don’t children of divorcees do this?” I occasionally find myself asking myself. And of course anyone else who might want to see me, talk to me, friends and the like and less serious boyfriends who existed before. <3
And then there’s the two jobs. And the tri-feca of what work outs I want to do.

And lastly, there’s the final question of what else makes it onto my “must have in my life,” extra-events and involvements and life growth aspects. (Ignition, EMP, paganism) and try and factoring home time. This gets a little dicey. Especially given sometimes I suddenly, and acutely feel the need to be anything but tied down.

There are just days I want to curl up alone and not be near anyone at all. It’s hard to find myself, find my own voice – with the constant meddlesome nature of my calendar. Names, events, days in and out. Places. There’s a point where it all gets dizzying, and it feels like lately my emotions are no longer tightly reined in and fair. No longer closely guarded and balanced. I ratchet from one extreme to the other in what feels like an ungraceful way. And when it is happening, I resist it 8 out of 10 times. 2 of 10 times, I lean into it and it feels like nothing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. A great collide-a-scope of energy and colors surrounding me. Whether they’re tears, sadness, engulfing waves of confusion and fear – or contentment and mirth, gratitude or love, it’s all the same and it all feels erratic at best.
There are days the pendulum of emotion takes me to extreme anger. Or if I’m sad, it’s just deep in my soul, deeper than I think I’ve felt in a long time. It has to do with having so much love and so little direction. It’s not going to be a clean, easy, process to get my life headed in a new direction that I am trying to go. Uncertainty pretty much meets me at every fork in my current life journey. I often get paralyzed when I think about what I want, verses if I really want it.

I have entered a new phase of life – and I haven’t yet, as a Virgo, been able to nail down a path, a vision. What is it I want?! What do I really, really want?

What events are most important? Who are the people I want to be in my life outside of my lovers? How can I see them more? What is it that I care so very most about, and what is it that I can cross off my list of things I am doing because it worked in the past and I was too remiss to remove it sooner? Are there any?

Anyway. This is a short post because work cut me off every two minutes, but as always. Small and choppy post is better than no post.
The weather is SPRING out. And Sunshine, the Bright Red Sweetheart of a car is dying for some action. I can’t say I relate this way. I’m quite full of “action.”

Peace out, folks.

-Angela

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