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angelak: (AngelaSide08)
In the spirit of Inna, in the spirit of writing when I get a spare moment, here I am! Today is Friday, sunny, and I feel emotionally great. Yeay! A bonus is that it's day 1 of my period and while I feel like I've been hit by a truck physically, I am not knocked up (bonus) and I am in great spirits. Today, rather than being worried about my life, my loves - I feel content and surrounded by the love and great fortune of beautiful people.

The impending launch of my 10K program is exciting. There are a few reasons why it is exciting. I've never done a program before, I always just went on my own way with a very flat training plan. When I say "flat," I mean to say that it doesn't vary in distance, and the runs are randomly placed with no planning or anything like this. The Hal Higdon's 10K for Novice takes the Novice to 10k in 8 weeks. I have at greatest done about 4-5 miles. This is an experiment about delving into the mid-distances, rather than short. 6.2 is 10k, and I am headed there in 2 months.

I am hoping this is a Gateway distance. That I can continue to push the distance envelope on later on in my future!!!!

It has varied distances including a long and a short run, and another middle length run in there. 3 runs a week. I also see cross training on there, and this is where I intend to pair my running regimen with Yoga, or when I feel like, the yoga days can be whatever. But mostly I wanted to leave space for yoga, FOR OBVIOUS reasons. This being said, it's going to be great because I've never done long and short runs, and nothing consistently with a training reg or increase in distance. I did it when I was doing my runs as a beginning intuitively and it worked really well. But I see that I can do this is a more planned fashion and I am curious to see how it goes. I will also be documenting and logging my info more on it. Infusing a little more fun into my running than was already there. I apologize if I talk too much about it, but I'm getting amped!

In other news, I had my eyes checked a couple days ago. I need new glasses. I am getting 2 pair. I thought I was just getting my reading/computer RX redone. But turns out this eye doc told me more than I realized anyone had told me before. New data about me.

My eyes apparently are never working in tandem together. One is near sighted. One is far sighted. One has an astigmatism.
This means he suggests wearing my glasses all the time. I begged about my vanity for contacts, and forgot why he said it wouldn't work well.
I intend on wearing them maybe 40% of the time, or more if I decide I like it. Ultimately my vision issues are minor still, but it would be behoove me to make my eyes happier. I still want to feel in control and not wear them constantly. It's just my thing. Not that I ever thought I'd be that way  But now that I realize I'm one of the eye glass people, well. I do what I want.

We'll see how it goes. Certainly I want to explore more about how I can go about contacts still. Because without a doubt I'd throw some contacts in daily and not think twice. Apparently which eye decides to be on and taking charge ever, and working at once, is the one that I have the benefit of at any given moment. (So at times I am far sighted. At times I am near sighted. It switches and flip flops all day long, all night long.)

This suddenly made me realize something I had never told anyone about prior: WHY I TAKE my glasses on and off about 40 times a day at work. When one eye decides to play Boss, I take them off. When the other decides it's ready for action, glasses go back on. InSIGHTful, eh? Who knew. Rare I guess. And then Mom told me it runs in the Croston side. Oh! Who knew. There was an eye doctor in the fam and he even wrote a paper about the phenomenon.

Friday, Friday... feeling sappy and wish I could clone myself.
Soon time to see Jimmers.
In other news, I was driving down the road with my drop top down.
And my driver-side rear view mirror randomly fell off and shattered as I pulled away from a 4 way stop.
So now I have a new one and adhesive on order for Sunshine.
Son of a bitch!!!!!

Otherwise, I think I should go and steal Jim and take him for lunch.
Another shoutout and thank you to Inna bo Bina, for getting me back on track with LiveJournal. You awesome woman. I sure do love you!
And I also love Mr. Raven Dark. Healing energy in his direction incessantly at this point.

-Angela
angelak: (Change Stone)
Here are the first of my logs. I will be getting better at these. Half of these I forgot. I had more thoughts under Mood... but did not get to record them immediately. Will be working on that. Here is my data, scroll on if you aren't interested. I'm recording it here.

Running Logs: )
Heart rate, temperature, weather, route, mood
========
March 19, 2013
Route: Bellevue, DriveHouse Run to the Right. Uncharted, unplanned. ZigZag pattern. No idea how far. 20-25 minutes
Heart Rate: Elevated, to be expected. First run after long break in training.
Weather: Mild Sprinkles, mid 40s
Mood: Excited to be out. Remembered why it's not so bad to run in the Wintertime. Rain and weather is much easier to deal with when running.  Was hooked and ready to go again.

March 20, 2013
Route: Office to Front Street to Gilman – Baseline Run
Heart Rate: Lower. Flat test run
Weather: Rainy

March 21, 2013
Route:  Hilly Run Behind WHP
Heart Rate: Unknown yet.
Weather: Fair. Mid 40s.
Mood: Strong. Fast. Completed this in 23 minutes. Hills.

March 24th, 2012
Time of day: 1900
Route: Baseline Run
Heart Rate: 160-170

March 25th, 2013
Time of day: 1600-1632
Route: Baseline Run
Heart Rate: 170-180

March 27th, 2013
Time of day: 1928-1959
Route: Baseline Run
Heart Rate:170-180 (Spiking to 185 in sprints, sticking above 170 most of the run).
Weather: Fair, Almost Sunny, 55F
Mood: Strong , Fast. Realized why people like running in the Springtime. Wow, is this daylight? It's not raining? What? Wow. This is amazing. Who knew.


-Angela
angelak: (Female Runner)
I have to write this all quickly; I have a work list flowing out the door. (SHOOT!!!!) And an optometrist appointment on the same day (Murphey's law!)
But thanks to Inna, I'm remembering that I'm using LJ. Thanks to Casey at work, I'm remembering journaling is kind of a big deal right now. I want to be able to look back and really understand what was happening for me. There's a lot going on! I will likely also be writing some private LJ entries as well. And some friends'locked ones, etc. So in an effort to get cracking on my work list, here goes.

Here's my chance: To give myself space. The goal is to commit to here, in April - to a 10K training program (Novice). Novice because I have not made running a priority. Because this training plan has cross training days worked into it, it means YOGA is on that plan. Above all else, this is where I'm headed. I need it to find my real center and to reach back to 6 months ago when I had a relationship with myself.

I see this is paramount to everything else, save perhaps fixing my house. 874 is a blessing and I've been abusing my blessing. Even if we have plans for it, I need to work harder on it. Everything else depends on these two things.

1- Run 10K in 2 months.
2- Simultaneously fix house so Sean can become a regular guest there, and any other boyfriends.
(which infers really cracking down on my dogs and replacing the hallway and downstairs carpet.)

If I want to save my sanity, I think it starts with my house, once again.
No amount of guesting at DriveHouse (Sean's) is going to get the real work done on my life. If I want to threaten what I have in both relationships, I can go ahead and continue to ignore the hard work that needs to be done. I will only energize Jim if I am energized with it, and the two of us need to work on this together. Regardless of what happens for our next step.

So between the 874 progress - and the 10K program, I will do my best to do all this while teaching my favorite Yoga Ever. But the calendar has been set, and come April 1st, it's no joke, for the first time since my injury I'm endeavoring to increase my distance. There's no reason why I can't. Nothing is going to stop me. 3 runs a week, 3 yogas per week, 1 total rest day. Hitting it and finding myself in the process. See you on the other side, baby. It isn't always pretty, but I think when I relax, breathe, and let it all go a little... solutions do appear. My favorites are the ones that are from Me... but that doesn't mean I need to shut everyone else down either. *ponders*

-Angela
angelak: (Attitude)
Feeling pretty good today. Woke up feeling that way. Well rested and productive. It’s obvious that running changes my outlook in the rest of my life. I know that Yoga is important too and does similar things, but for the moment it feels good to FOCUS ON ONE THING for just half a second. Everywhere in my life feels like a great, giant – energy dispersal. It’s not focus and honed in, it’s being split in many directions and I have to be quite honest, that costs me a lot sometimes.

I take note here that when I was younger, I often delved into things intensely, but they were one or two things. This feels a lot better on an overall emotional level maybe. Last 12 months it’s been a rush of flip-flopping, division, and juggling. Each has its pros and cons.
Having two major relationships is certainly one aspect of this. There are times when reconciling the “two homes” nature of everything gets larger than life. “Don’t children of divorcees do this?” I occasionally find myself asking myself. And of course anyone else who might want to see me, talk to me, friends and the like and less serious boyfriends who existed before. <3
And then there’s the two jobs. And the tri-feca of what work outs I want to do.

And lastly, there’s the final question of what else makes it onto my “must have in my life,” extra-events and involvements and life growth aspects. (Ignition, EMP, paganism) and try and factoring home time. This gets a little dicey. Especially given sometimes I suddenly, and acutely feel the need to be anything but tied down.

There are just days I want to curl up alone and not be near anyone at all. It’s hard to find myself, find my own voice – with the constant meddlesome nature of my calendar. Names, events, days in and out. Places. There’s a point where it all gets dizzying, and it feels like lately my emotions are no longer tightly reined in and fair. No longer closely guarded and balanced. I ratchet from one extreme to the other in what feels like an ungraceful way. And when it is happening, I resist it 8 out of 10 times. 2 of 10 times, I lean into it and it feels like nothing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. A great collide-a-scope of energy and colors surrounding me. Whether they’re tears, sadness, engulfing waves of confusion and fear – or contentment and mirth, gratitude or love, it’s all the same and it all feels erratic at best.
There are days the pendulum of emotion takes me to extreme anger. Or if I’m sad, it’s just deep in my soul, deeper than I think I’ve felt in a long time. It has to do with having so much love and so little direction. It’s not going to be a clean, easy, process to get my life headed in a new direction that I am trying to go. Uncertainty pretty much meets me at every fork in my current life journey. I often get paralyzed when I think about what I want, verses if I really want it.

I have entered a new phase of life – and I haven’t yet, as a Virgo, been able to nail down a path, a vision. What is it I want?! What do I really, really want?

What events are most important? Who are the people I want to be in my life outside of my lovers? How can I see them more? What is it that I care so very most about, and what is it that I can cross off my list of things I am doing because it worked in the past and I was too remiss to remove it sooner? Are there any?

Anyway. This is a short post because work cut me off every two minutes, but as always. Small and choppy post is better than no post.
The weather is SPRING out. And Sunshine, the Bright Red Sweetheart of a car is dying for some action. I can’t say I relate this way. I’m quite full of “action.”

Peace out, folks.

-Angela
angelak: (Eye)
This week has been restorative time spent at 874 and with Jimmers. Last week at work I was highly motivated. This week has been harder. I just want to leave town. Now.

It's freezing. I don't like the cold. I went shopping for long sleeved shirts, because apparently the ones I had have vanished into the abyss of my house. Layering is my new thing, because it's getting cold out, and I feel that I have been freezing for days. Ross provided some low cost options for me. Pretty much outfitted for winter now, thank goodness. Some of the stuff will work for the Spring, once we make it through the stupid months here.

I have become stripey girl due to the striped shirts all over Ross. I better balance it out with some other shirts later or I will become very bored.

It feels great to still have my life and dog home and routine in 874. The Dachshunds appreciate it. I appreciate it too. Especially being alone. Being alone feels so, so good, and so vital. Even if it's for an hour in the morning. Jim goes to work at 430AM. He kisses me goodbye and is gone by the time I get out of bed. I am alone in the house then.
I miss that in Bellevue Home. I need a name for that place, but I haven't for the life of me figured out what it could be. It's actually a good balance if I think about it, none the less.
The Dachshund routine with me in it is very, very comforting.
I say the same thing every morning to them when I am ready to take them out.
They snooze in bed until I am ready to take them out.
The moment I say the magic words to get them moving, they spring into action.
The three of us like our morning routine.
And I always loved my 874 morning routine. Maybe it's because I had 100% control over it.
And that 100% control is important to me.

In other thoughts:
If I get back to my work outs the right way, I will likely feel even better. But the starvation diet made it unappealing to work out, even for me. And now I am lazy. As I have mentioned to Sean though, perhaps this isn't so bad. I re-injured my hamstring doing standing bow in a cold room in rehearsals for Rite of Sol months ago. It has been cranky ever since and I have been holding back on the left side of postures in yoga for months now. Perhaps this resting phase is the best thing I could do for my hamstring. My hope is that when I try again and start using my body in the fitness fashion (I miss it) - my hamstring will have made some healing leaps. I injured it by straining it and stretching in a cold room: March 2012. Then it healed. Then I re-injured it in October 2012. It takes a lot of time for the damn hamstring to chillax. Damn you, hammy. It also kills me in the hot room to have to hold back on it. I know I could progress my standing bow in class if it wasn't so jacked!! My flexibility is there, but the muscle cannot do it without tearing if I am injured.
I suck.
But I know this too, shall pass.
And given my shotty yoga practice of 2013 ...well, *shrugs* I wouldn't be getting any better anyway. Soon, I will be there I guess. Who knows. I'm lost. I trust the right things will happen at the right time. I must.

Back to work, yeah?

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
Yesterday was a day of sorts to remember. Grandpa had sewer issues in his house - we mobilized a plan to get this taken care of last weekend. Being the money person is never that awesome in this circumstance. We didn't anticipate what was going to be needed, figured it would be your standard plumbing bill. Instead it turns out the line between the house and the main near the street was pulverized by tree roots, old age. The $7,000 would be needed to take care of it, or his house would be condemned within 24 hours. Got this sorted out, and it has been paid for now. It was nice to know that my Uncle expressed his gratitude for the ordeal of managing the funds. He understood the magnitude of what it could have been like (as did my Mom) if I hadn't been in charge of management. And also that it must be a headache for me at times. HE's right, it is at times. I'm not very good at it - but the previous person who stole the role of money manager for the grandparents when Grandma was around.... well, he spent it all like it was his own.

So, like you do when you are me and have been working very hard to get the balance on his bank accounts higher and higher while paying his normal bills and operating costs (food!)... well, you take a sigh of relief after double checking the balance. He has enough for this. I was unsure for a moment, I hadn't checked his account in a while.

After that heart stopping moment of "how much does he have?!?" I have decided that I will be keeping a closer week to week eye on that. Handling his money forces me not to pretend money doesn't exist. This includes my own. Damn. I suppose I should address my money more efficiently anyway. Apparently this is my year of getting money management together. I just ... I'm reluctant! Damnit!
There is one thing I am good at: Hoarding money and not spending it when the proper need is there. Saving is something I can turn on like a switch when I need to. This comes from having no money in my childhood. Lately I've been failing in this arena in my own personal finances, but that is another story.

Onto the fun:
Ignition is a Fire troupe. Sean, Kat, and Tierney - who were involved with the Rite of Sol show I was in, are members of this fire troupe. It is looking like I will be involved in this. I know it sounds like I haven't had enough cool things to do ... you know, yoga, amateur drama, running, whatever... I suppose I need more ;)

Great timing for me with this... they did their Fire Safety course last night. That's bonus, means it will likely be super easy for me to be involved either on or off stage at whatever point. Will continue learning about the troupe and what is involved and what they do and how they do it and all of that. For now, I will suffice to say Fire Safety in 30 degree weather is hardcore. Cold wet towels ....... very cold.

Thank goodness for UA ColdGear.

I'm now on Phase 2 of HCG until vacation. That means I'm eating food again.
Happy. Starting to feel pretty good. Happy.
Enjoying healthy doses of NRE. Looking forward to my impending vacation to Kauai, Hawaii!!!! It's coming up and I am so so excited!
That's enough for now. Better than no post at all!

-Angela
angelak: (Penguin)
Was supremely busy at work nonstop. Skipped lunch, came home. Tidied the house a little (it needs a lot, but I won't discuss that), and then Sean came over to deliver some cube steaks that he feels will go to waste if they stay in his fridge.

Jim came home, 3 of us went to West Coast Armory so Sean could look at the assault rifles and see if there was any better deal than what has been out there.
Headed to FedEx for Sean to pick up his light-saber package that he will use at RadCon, and then headed back home. Sean left, hung out with Jim rest of the evening.
Trying to get into the habit of LJing, so here's the back-in-the-day run downs of what things used to go on the LJ !!!!

I forgot that more than one post a day used to happen for me!!!!
Waiting for my laundry to finish so I can go to bed.

Tomorrow I start eating food again (rather than the last several days on the HCG diet.) Looking forward to using oils and lotions and conditioners and hair products again.

I held off due to the recommendations of said diet.

-Angela
angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

Quick 2012 RunDown. )

BOOM.
2013 arrives.

-Angela

Come home

Dec. 23rd, 2012 08:50 am
angelak: (Change Stone)
I think I've come home to LiveJournal. 2013 is where I come back and live in LJ just as much as FaceBook again. What do you think!??!
I don't even think I'm BSing.

It's going to be awesome!
Maybe even twice daily postings and shit like that! Let's see how it goes. Also means I will be reading and catching up on my LJ friends' lives again too.
Gonna rock.

-Angela
angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
The warmth of the sun shines through my office window, and I peer through it from beneath my glasses. It warms me. It’s the Winter Solstice, my favorite holiday to celebrate in a lot of ways. It’s a harsh journey to get here, to get to this day. The longest night of the year, the light waning and it feels so chilly. The clouds so grey and dull, blanketing my Seattle area world like a warm knitted scarf.
All year long I watched the wheel of the year turn, slowly, quickly, simultaneously. Life really has been something else this year. I don’t really say that every year. I had several years where life was not so exciting. Not so pivotal. Suddenly I understand the worth of those years. The worth that I thought was nothing but a source of frustration, was beyond measure and I would only come to see that now. When the converse is happening.

Change. It’s happening all over the place, it probably always is. But the last quarter of this year it has been anything but subtle for me. I started out the end of 2011 beginning my Bikram Yoga Teaching Journey. All caps to each word. I don’t even know what to say about this journey. Littered with joy and heart break. Littered with growth and things I have yet to understand about why and how it is done, what this process truly is.
I started 2012 without any clue of what was awaiting me. Friendships changed. My Grandma’s End Times started early in the year. My brother came back to the family and is finishing up the year divorcing the woman who separated him from the family. Grandma brought him back, as her last major deed, into the family again.

Court, a family divide and drama – bad people, good people. Elder abuse over the sake of money.

Walking through that door finding grandma in a state that none of us will ever forget.
That day after I taught a class Renton, we all met up for a well fare check. Ambulance ride to the hospital. I would put words to this, but I don’t think you all really need to know the nasty details. She was okay – kind of. She was never the same.
She was going to die, but that was not how it was supposed to be. Not in neglect and horror. And she didn’t die. Hardy woman. Worse yet - that Grandpa saw his wife of 60 years in this state and felt helpless to it. There no words for this kind of tragedy. But it passed, it was seen in 2012, it happened. And she recovered for a while. We kept her safe, we pulled some magic with Jill and Jeff and the court house and ingenuity and desperation to protect those who needed protection. The nasty rotting filth that found its way into the family, wormed its way into our close knit, beautiful family… well, it was dealt with. Money I had intended on going towards TT debt repayment, along with money from the Marysville people… went towards fighting this nasty, dreadful cause. Them more than me, but I did what I could.
More my time an energy would soon be drawn towards being the one that the responsibility of management of those once-stolen funds would fall into my lap. Ready or not, It was Me.

And Grandma died.
At the right time.
She was amazing until the very end. And I got to say everything - everything I wanted to say to her, before she went.
She knew what I was saying. Felt it, returned it.

"I love you more than you know," she said. An absurd woman at times, she was a gift of a human, deeply generous, spirited, beautiful. Impossible to forget her Essence, her Energy, her Love.
And this Samhain I was too busy to honor my Sacred Dead. And yet - it's better to honor them all year long, isn't it?

And then...
Being a new teacher of Bikram Yoga isn’t a picnic. Juggling it on the side of my 40 hour work week and everything else…

Whatever the case, I knew I wanted to be involved in Rite of Sol. I made it my goal. Even if I mopped the floors instead of partied on the cast. I didn’t care. I wanted to be involved this time. I sought the best person ever for my audition, Amanda. And she pulled my talent straight out of me and we made an audition. Bless her heart.
They put me on the cast. And began my journey into change. More change. The family settled. I continued to teach. I found different studios and continued to teach. My practice waned. I built a relationship with my cast mates in Rite of Sol. The Sun Shone on me. Every week I was in love with the work, but scared and unsure of myself. Always scared and unsure of me.

Regardless, I worked and learned on that show with the people who had done it before, and some of those who have not. I met new people and fell deeply fond of them.

And then we performed in the show and it was an experience that I never had before. I would go into all of it, I really would… but there’s not enough time to do that just yet. And for that period of time those people were my special family. On stage, back stage. We shared so much. Magic.
And after the show, my life was never the same. An exhausting endeavor as I took no time off work and spent the week of tech week in the theater until 10pm every day. Then the show. Then after the show, I had no lag between a double schedule of teaching.
The following 3 weeks nearly killed me. I had an ongoing cold that had caught me pretty much after August and continued through the end November. In December, finally my body fought it off. It made teaching and working and living and sorting my life so hard and draining. Coughing constantly. Stuff in my throat. And early on, losing my voice.
I didn’t feel like myself with the weird cold morphing and morphing and not getting any better.
My men had it before me, but it did seem to linger and pass along to the cast from all over. Who knows.
Goodness only knows. I had a system, a life, it worked. And then the show happened.

I wish I could write more, but perhaps not publicly, about what changed. What’s happening? But suffice to say; step by step I let life open itself up. Moment by moment I live. I just know nothing will ever be the same in my life and I am beginning to accept that change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can be in and of itself for the best even if it means a little bud into bloom pain.

The things we aren’t looking for, are the ones we need? I wasn't looking for you, MSH.
I will write about 2013 and my focus in another post. For now I will simply say I have one philosophy, outside of BALANCE – that I intend to employ for the beginning of 2013:

• I love you.
• I'm sorry.
• Please forgive me.
• Thank you.

-Angela
angelak: (Default)
I’ve set foot (body part intended here) in a Yoga studio twice this week on the other side of the podium, finally. And it was everything I thought it would be. Two classes makes a huge difference. If I wasn’t a proponent of what the Yoga does for people before (hah) it’s apparent to me when I am unable to go in for even 2-4 classes a week. My biggest recommendation: Daily Yoga.

My schedule IS truly clearing up a little, and I will be finding a sense of balance. It felt like it wasn’t coming, I felt over whelmed for just a moment. I think if Jim and I continue to work together, we’ll actually succeed. Prognosis, for the first time in months – (the melodramatic woman inside of me wants to write “for what feels like the first time ever!!!” but that, my friends, is wholly inaccurate).
Digression: Prognosis of success for our home is good. I think we can do this.
Prognosis for connection and strength in each other is improved at the moment.
I’m doing some things with my diet at the moment, nothing crazy. No 100% raw food run – but it does entail working towards raw for a few days in the middle. At this point, this isn't a big deal to me. This being essentially much less restrictive than things I’ve experienced in the past, with gentle movements on either end of a 10 day plan, alongside the entrance of less foot pain and more Yoga… is a recipe for what I see as resolving my issues. One day maybe we’ll get a "house cleaner," but today – is not the day because that one is a huge one to swallow for me. Sorry to make that sound dirty. (Pun intended.)

Needless to say, managing closely what I am eating and making sure I have more regular intervals, remembering that I don’t have to do 100% everything just because someone at work asks me to, and realizing that just like in previous years, all of this stuff passes one way or the other. It’s not like I didn’t survive other flurries of work. Funny on that note, because then I was able to tackle my entire list and finally catch up on work, in spite of a very short work day yesterday.

Among other things bringing me back to center. ;)

Also taking time to do things FOR me, and taking time specifically to connect with Jim.

I think it is safe to say if I take them all step by step and not worry as much about the larger picture, things will fall into place. I see where my priorities are. I do need to resolve our house, as always. But that doesn’t have to happen overnight. I’ve written that before. I do think the Mister is more on board with this, this time. Perhaps writing it all out allowed me to begin sorting out what I didn’t feel like I could sort out before. I do have a history of thinking via written word, much, much, much better than verbally. I dislike that some of the time – it makes communicating verbally a different thing for me. But it does have some benefits, I suppose.

Off to continue staying caught up on my shit on a Friday afternoon.

-Angela
angelak: (Eye)
Perhaps I shouldn’t take the time to write. My worklist is sincerely flowing off the charts today. But the thoughts are springing forth in my mind and I am afraid to wait, for fear they will all vanish. The group of people talking about LJ at rehearsals last night prompted me to put some stuff down in my LJ suddenly! Probably at the best time possible. You know – that time when everything feels fuzzy, life begins to feel topsy turvy, and the things you were clear about are beckoning once again to be re-evaluated – the time when a little introspection doesn’t harm the situation. Or does it?

Being a classic over-thinker, year in and year out, perhaps over thinking isn’t it. Certainly LJ land has been a great agent towards clarity for me at times. And now, it is most neglected for attention oriented info-bytes, catching attention for a mere moment and then passing along downwards in the stream of scrolling through facebook-land. No, it isn’t an indication of my feelings entirely, nor what is really going on in my life.

The things occurring in my life right now are all relatively glorious and brilliant. The kind of brilliant that I thought would never return to my living. Truly - most of them I couldn’t have dreamt up. The problem is less the beauty that lies around every waking corner for me (I acknowledge this in deep gratitude for all of it), but the essence of imbalance that is beginning to emerge for me.

I have committed myself towards giving a lot of stuff to my communities. In some places, I succeed more than others. The truth is, I haven’t been focusing on self care this year. And after 10 months of juggling teaching and working and loving and living – I am feeling the effects of that. I feel frazzled, confused, emotional, and unable to focus on anything. I feel like it is all spinning out of control, and I am not sure where my center is anymore. What is the most important? None of it. It’s all equally as high priority to me. For the first year in over 6 years, I have had the least consistent workout regimen. It’s an on again off again thing that normally doesn’t plague me. But let’s face it. I’m working two jobs. Even if passion is present in either position – they are still responsibilities that I value. This is not a complaint. I am all too expert at whining and moaning and bitching. Anyone who has to deal with me on a weekly basis beyond the surface level will see that in about two seconds. I enjoy whining and moaning and bitching.
I recognize if sometimes it’s self centered and trivial maybe?

Right now, I’m whining, bitching, moaning. I’m tired. Not physically? Maybe mentally tired in a way I’ve never been before. Because I can’t organize my life anymore.
Going home has drained me for a long time. In the last 2 – 3 years, my home has been a source of draining my vitality, rather than recharging it. It is messy, it is unmanageable to me, and it is one of my many bitch/moan topics.

Work on my primary relationship is another story. The schedule I keep, the priorities I toss around thoughtlessly – these have an impact on the story that is me and Jim. And I realize it is more driven by me than perhaps he. I am demanding, in such that my time is a premium and I treat his differently. “You are sitting around collecting dust in the house with the rest of our shit.”

That isn’t very kind. But I would be lying to say I don’t have that underlying feeling. When I being reasonable, I recognize that the activities I see aren’t that valuable, are a recharge for him. Our life together has been splendid, I do enjoy living and sharing our space together. I don’t enjoy our ability to steward over the beautiful townhouse. It is not beautiful to me because it is not taken care of the way I tend to take care of homes when I am living in them alone. I feel at ends to constant management of trying to get it where I want it – and having help doing so. I must become a better delegator. And even that is a stretch. The spinning, the flying out of control starts when I open my eyes and see my own room, and it expands to every step I take as I look around our home. It drains me unexplainably so. I have expressed this to him. He always has the same sunshiney view, the same “we can do this,” attitude, the same response every year.

Captain Sunshine. Always. To the point of blinding himself from reality.

“We’re working on it.”
We always say that, don’t we – and talk about improving when it just doesn’t seem to happen.
When will I feel we have arrived?!

Unreasonable moments have me blaming everything on him being in “MY” space (there isn’t such a thing.) I have since dissolved my temple into the new guest space. And never resurrected it because instead it was the place where all the “homeless things,” landed. So many homeless things in a home so large with so few people.

I hate the layout now. The layout I adored in 2008 has now come back to bite me.
Stacked, 3 floors of ill-managed zones that I feel I will suffocate under month after month. If I get one floor resolved, there is another. And if there are two – the third is always the “orphaned,” zone.

So the house is a thing unto itself. Right now, we are “working” on refinancing towards a lower interest rate. This is all self driven. Without me, he doesn’t sign a damn piece of paper. He wants me to read it all with him. I need to work more with him, admittedly. A part of me wants to yell and scream and say, “THESE ONES HAVE YOUR NAME ON IT. AND THE ONES IN MY FOLDER HAVE MY NAME ON THEM. We sign them how we sign them. Not rocket science, dumbfuck.”

But that’s rude. Instead I recognize it’s a rough thing. With so much to do. I’m so overwhelmed at managing my own financial shit, my Grandpa’s financial shit, the financial shit of a dead Grandma – it’s all over and I am doing a piss poor job of over spending and under managing my own and putting all the logic into someone else’s ledger.

I always had a rejection to my own success as to not want to even look at my money or spend it. Then last year I did something I had never done in my life. I began spending.
I spent my savings on teacher training. I refused to spend my 9 weeks pinching pennies so I allowed myself 9 weeks of letting go. And since then, I haven’t quite been right.

Now I am faced with a spendy ride (the car itself was a cost effective move) – but the transmission error it has thrown at me recently sort of stopped me momentarily in my tracks. I don’t want to drive it. I don’t want to do anything until I service the tranny.
The hydraulic line split from end to end. I can’t drop my top.
The two things combined stressed me out a little, to say the least. I am in love with the car for obvious reasons. I have treated it better than I treated any of my cars.

The teaching. I am so happy in Redmond it’s unreal. Still adjusting to the new studio. Not quite in sync with a set of new students yet, but getting there. People love me. I am working on my Dialogue. It’s an endless feat. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough. And then I hear people like my best friend Katty going on about being 99% verbatim. Bullshit.
There’s no way to daydream on a podium because I fiercely want to be better every class. I want all my students to get more out of the class and I want my own inadequacies to fade as they still somehow get their time and $$ worth. I am here to help you heal yourself. And the hallmark of accuracy is where it all starts. Spine Twist, Ardha-matsendrasana… Chest up, spine straight, rib cage more open. Look over your shoulder… twist and twist and twist, stretch up more… twisting and stretching your spine from coccyx to the neck, like a pearl necklace, exhale breathing and twist, last chance… twist…..

Tell me, you mighty perfect teachers, after a year only …… your spine twist is verbatim every time, tell me that. Everyone maybe, more perfect than me. That’s for damn sure. That’s how I was born. Set behind the world. Racing to get ahead. I look like I’m moving fast, but in the mirror it looks like paint drying. Some sloppy brush work and places with thin spots. You guys are just looking from 30 meters back.

My own Yoga practice is feels like an under-watered wilting, miserable, plant. My tech support, probably the same thing. Been doing that so long I can’t even begin to recognize what life is like without it. Except last year I was given a chance to see what that would look like. At the moment, that is not the option I am looking for.

My heart feels full and yet unattended. That’s my fault. I turn my back on myself, always focusing outward. I’m in a little deep, at the moment. There’s no insta-fix, like I am used to, towards this kind of in-attendance. I thought I wrote an “unattend” file, like installing windows with all those simple answers in a tiny text file ready to be called out in the background while I go off and work on the big stuff.
Guess what? I had a syntax error and it kinda stalled early on and now that I’ve been ignoring it, I’ve got to go back and work on that.

And it's going to take time.

It’s not a bad thing per se, but right now is when I came back to the console and realized it was happening! Whoa! Shit! Whoa Nelly! You were supposed to be finished! Oh, snap. A semi-colon where it shouldn’t have been!!!!

All the right questions, all the right answers, and something still a bit off. That’s what it is.
The kicking the stool right before my birthday kinda clinched it. It hurt like hell for 3 weeks, and FINALLY is beginning to feel normal. Ish. Kind of.

And so I can get back in the studio, look at myself in the mirror and tell myself it’s all going to be okay, that we can work through it all, that it’s all a piece of cake on the outside of the studio.
I miss teacher training where I got my practice… twice a day, no matter what. There was no choice in the matter. My medicine.

Now I skip my medicine every week. It’s not a good picture.
I teach when I would normally have practiced.
I love teaching. I need to keep teaching to stay sharp.
I need my practice also, to stay sharp.

There isn’t enough time or me to go around on that end. And there are other priorities too…….
And in the office, summer is passing and there is a fully loaded constant set of requests coming at me. Upgrades. Departmental moves. PC Help requests. My MEP isn’t even started and I need to do it in 2 months or else.

SHIT.

Truth is, I am reeling with everything going on around me.
Trying to learn to dance, to sing. I’m not a pretty singer. Dancing… I was never a flow yoga girl, first time it happened was for the audition. It felt amazing because someone helped me see my own potential and I understood I was graceful and beautiful in that piece. But with someone less natural at working with kids like me, I fight them, I fight myself, I fight. It’s not a natural birth of beauty. It’s choppy like the relationship, it’s raw and unrefined.

What a learning experience! Contrasts. It’s going to come together. But I don’t think it will be as good as it could be if there was someone how knew how to help me find myself and made minor adjustments that showed me that I really am beautiful. Strong. Capable.
Fortunately the more I progress in life, the more visible it is that I just have to break in and fuck up as many times as I need to find the grace. Some people are just better suited for getting people to do just that. Others … not so much. So we work with who we have, appreciate them for what they do have, and bury the sadness under fake smiles and effort to be the best to everyone.

I would cry about half of this, but the tears just stay stuck inside of me. Unsung stories.

Keep closing out requests, teaching classes, connecting with people, falling in love with people, over and over. It keeps it worth it. When I do not want to throw my hands up in exasperation and frustration, I am intensely in love with so many others. More yoga would resolve half of this. Except for my house. I just want to move out and leave all my crap with him. But you can’t escape some things. And He is the one who put up with my shit for years when I was literally at my worst. Now I glow, expand, grow. Now, I’m someone everyone can enjoy being around. He was there when I wasn’t so enjoyable.

He was there when I felt all alone. Except …he wasn’t there. He was working overnight at Target and I didn’t see him and I was all alone. What a paradox.

Point being, our challenges are normal in some aspects. We struggle with being too alike at times. We struggle with being too different at others. I mostly struggle with respecting him and his path. At the core, we’re intensely different creatures. I am always on the go, and am unhappy without that. I think he would be miserable with my “happy” parameters. I would express it a little more, except my brain is numbing and I have an appointment with a user shortly. Therefore, I wrap this up.


So much of what is happening is ultimately beautiful and worth while and wonderful and everything I wanted. So it makes me feel topsy turvy and confused. Especially when I realize there are things I just can't manage to fit in on top of all the other stuff, the confusion and the beautiful.

-Angela

What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela

Eras

May. 29th, 2012 10:56 am
angelak: (Sparkly Hands)
Eras come and go. You have to be okay with change to be alive. Friendships shift, change, morph, perhaps they go entirely. Nothing is meant to stay the same, nor does it remain the same. Careers, individuals, relationships, companies, corporations change. It doesn’t stay the same. Life comes, life goes.

What you once felt excited about will eventually become something that you have done so many times that you cannot even count. Or you just lose the passion for it. Reinvention is probably the best thing about being alive. This could be the people you choose to surround yourself with (and this is very much a choice always) or the habits and behaviors you accept as tolerable. Think on it. Sometimes we take everything for granted, and we spend little time in recognition of this.

-Angela
angelak: (Pretty Dolphins Heart Shaped)
Today, it has become super obvious how lucky I am in a lot of respects. I have a life filled with people that are all amazing. We’re talking some seriously awesome people, all touching my life somehow. I fall in love with people very easily, for one thing. You don’t even have to be sexual with me, and I fall in love with you. This, as I see it – is only a good thing. The downside is my global reach of these people. Good, so good. Bad too, because I use the word love frequently, but not lightly. There are names for some of you, but these people are all over the World those that I *love* deeply. This means I miss them with great measure. Really, truly Miss them, with a capitol M.

I don't care about other folks who may be hesitant to express themselves as deeply or freely. Eat shit, and die. Word mechanics.

And because I went to TT, naturally my time off (paid anyway) is pretty light. I am waiting to bank more time. It happens relatively easily here at this place of employment, but at the same time I have a lot of people I want to see. People all over, like I said.
It’s worth it to have this dilemma. A few people I can think of right off, are both in and outside of the Bikram Yoga community.

There’s definitely Katty, Thomas, Gordon, Olga, Nancy, Ula, and yes I will be seeing Ann-Marie soon here at TT, and SALLIE!!!

And then there’s my CGW crew. Focusing on my Yoga-sphere, I have been unable to see Steve and Erin, Rachelle, Matty, and many others… due to this dilemma of awesome all over my life. I Miss them too!

Due to the yoga-rific parts of my life, I’ve been definitely hitting the plans to see first and foremost, Katty. She’s the most local. Vancouver BC is a stone throw away from the Seattle area. I also need to make time to fly down to San Fran eventually and pester Thomas. But that’s later. And of course, Gordon wants me to teach at his studio in NZ (yes you read that right) eventually.

And then there are those outside of the country (like Gordon.) Karoline, Renata, people I don’t know the nature or probability of seeing any time soon.
Anyway. This post really has more to do with the fact that there are people I am dying to see, miss seeing, am blessed to have spent everyday time with them for a period of time. I knew I was lucky with the opportunity at Teacher Training. I knew it was a beautiful thing, even if it was hard, a bit pain staking a times…
In other news.

It is also hard to squeeze in traveling sometimes, due to my life situations. Teaching, working at the Quah, taking care of the family right now. But fortunately for me, tomorrow I fly to LA to visit Spring Teacher Training 2012, to be on the “other” side, and later in the month, 21-24th, I will be going to Vancouver BC to see Aussie Joel and Katty once again – and mayyyybe, if I am lucky… Rachelle?! We’ll see.

The nature of this post definitely mirrors the fact that one day, I want to see these people again. And I want to keep them close to me somehow, even though I can’t see all of them immediately.

I think it’s possible. :)

If you are one of the people I have fallen for, don’t worry. I intend on finding you again :)
You may or may not know who you are.
And yes. Some of you are local to Seattle too. ;)

-Angela
angelak: (874)
My run schedule is working beautifully. My stamina is coming back quickly after taking a short spell off due to hamstring paranoia. Hamstring is healing beautifully also. I switched Yoga with a Run because I could not Run yesterday, and that is fine.

IT FEELS SO GOOD.

I feel great. I am going to do this. The mileage is my commitment, I want to advance beyond the 3-5 mile range. I have stayed there for a few years and I am really looking to see what I can do. So right now, I am going to build my base up all over again, trust in myself, and once the consistency sets in and I feel like my entire body has become acclimated enough (particularly the soft tissues and tendons) - then I will begin adding more than 5 miles in. I am so excited for this notion.

I will continue doing yoga alongside this - it is good for both performance, maintenance, and of course, who can live without YOGA?!!??!

But putting running into the forefront of my workout routine again (feels blissful, for one) and for two, it also opens up more time in my life for the rest of the stuff that is important to me. Men. Studying Deacon role. My dogs. My house, making it better. My family. All of those things need time, and with the Issaquah job and the teaching, I need to pack more stuff in shorter amounts of time. Perhaps one day Rite of Sol (even if I am just a crew member, I don't care!!! I'm going to be involved if they'll have me! Mop the floors. Wipe the ass of the crew. Doesn't matter). The ideal, I think - is if they would use me for pretty movement pieces. But who knows! I just want to be a part of it, and have since the very beginning (Rite of Luna). I just wasn't able to prior. Felt like the universe was standing in my way. Now I wish I had.

All good. Whatever the case, my friends are talented - and I am proud of both Melissa and Jon for being a driving force behind some truly amazing rock operas.
It really does blow my mind.

And of course, everyone else involved.

Tonight, Jim and I got many things accomplished. First, we went to the dealership to tie up some loose ends. They had my new plates, got them, and a check reimbursing some of my registration. Yippee!!! A check. And then I whined about the tinting appointment. They agreed to get it in tomorrow. And then we whined about how the oil change people decided they weren't willing to honor my car. Soooo........ Jim bitched more, because they were only going to reimburse me $151 for it, he convinced them to write me a $200 check to cover a full year's oil changes. This is coming to me tomorrow when I drop Sunshine off to get her shades on. ;)

I hope this looks good, and not gaudy. We'll see. And after tomorrow I can pick my nose in my car all I want again. I was really missing that feature of Classy. Just kidding. hehehehe.

Oh yeah. Then we went and had chickenwings at WingDome. We tried to find the pizza place that we had our first date at (it was the only thing open after Jim's Gamestop shift the night we met up). I think it finally shut down, sad. Seeing as our 6 year anniversary is on Saturday. It is okay, we were like 2 doors down from where it was.

AND THEN, we went to Macy's to take back the court outfit that wasn't quite right. As in, blazer sleeves were too short and the skirt had a tiny rip in the ass. I was pissed about that. The whole ensemble was AWESOME. And now there isn't anything there that I like. CRAP. I will have to go back and look again, for our second court date in June. (It has been post poned). And then it will look like I have expensive clothes galore seeing as I will definitely have another outfit by the time late June rolls around for this occassion....!!!

OH, And then....... I had to buy cute sandals because my feet have been suffocating and I am now sick of buying shitty shoes that I do not like. And I will wear them to work and if anyone gives me shit for having feminine stuff, they can suck it. Because I am a girly girl, even if I work in IT. Fuck off.

:D Happy times. I would write about my awful Sunday, but I am too happy right now.

And then I ran tonight before I came to write this and was proud that I didn't use the 15 excuses I could have, to get out of it. 9PM, I was strong and just relaxed. Wham bam, the miles done. Happy.

-Angela
angelak: (Take me away)
May is coming, and with May, time off is coming. I need it desperately. I’m sensitive right now. Easily harmed through unintended means by those around me. One could call it Moody. I don’t believe I am typically Moody, because this past 2 weeks has shown me what Moody really looks like. Jim – what you experience living with me doesn’t count ;) (It’s okay, he doesn’t read this shit I write anyway.)

So, I was all ready to be relaxed and allow myself space to memorize deacon stuff on my own capacity. The best I can do. And then a syntax – writing error caused me to think someone thought I shouldn’t even be in the OTO (I’m not pointing fingers, this is just how the moody idiot in me processed commentary) if I have a fear of memorizing.

I was quite happy and cheerful for a minute when I realized I was picking up the first collect, “the Sun” pretty quickly. My Bikram memorizing was already coming in handy! The pain staking hours of torture in and out of the Yoga room were paying off somewhere else also! My investment! My thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours were coming through for me again!!!!!!

And then I misunderstood about someone else misunderstanding me, and my heart sank and I returned for a few hours, to my usual self. Lower cased “s” in self. The self that abuses me, the self that tells me that I’m a loser – that only the real intellects deserve to go on these journeys. BULLSHIT> self imposed lies. I am worthy of this.

I am 110% worthy of it, and there is nothing wrong with what I have upstairs. This is an affirmation I will be working on as much as possible.

Speaking with Jim, again to bring him up – he informed me that MAYBE, just maybe – everyone is supportive of me and that my response, reactions, and feelings are a product of a high level of pressure on me, of STRESS. A ton of things going on, teaching, working at Issaquah, balancing my hours to try and handle social security office visits, getting my elderly Grandpa out of the house to deal with them, being told to come back more than once from those DMV flunkies, managing a reverse lookup situation with every single bill, one by one – for my grandparents. Getting to the bank, dealing with all kinds of business. Balancing a lack of time to clean my house, the messy house part is something that makes me feel out of control with my life, even if I am quite in control of my life, it's just that when my house is messy, I feel awful – simultaneously taking on way too many classes in the last 2 weeks teaching the yoga – managing a minor injury preventing me from my usual coping mechanisms. The crazy that is held at bay by working out so regularly.

And then some. More, there’s more and I can’t list it all out. A restless anger was boiling beneath the surface all last week.

And so Jim mentioned, indicated one thing: and Now? On top of all this, you want to enact more spiritual growth and you’re unsure of how this will go for yourself – and you wonder why you are reacting, being human?

It was a rather sweet moment of him, it made me realize how important his support is. He never once gives me shit for being more involved in other things outside of he and I. He is very flexible with our time.

Needless to say, May is coming.
In May, I take off for Los Angeles to visit teacher training,!!!! to be reunited with my bestie Katty from Vancouver and Lacy from Vegas (Lacy, I know her less than Katty) from May 9-12th.) Don’t burgle my house, folks, Jimmers will be home and yes, he has a Mossburg.
If you don’t know what a Mossburg is… nevermind.

Following this trip, I am driving Sunshine up across the border to meet Aussie Joel from May 21-24th or something like that, to Vancouver, with my new passport, and will also see Katty again. (Seriously. I'm stoked.) If I am lucky, the sun will be out and I can drop the top the whole way up to the border, ey?

The time off Issaquah is very needed, I am beginning to see. And my closest bit of peace will happen later this month, April.

Jim and I celebrate 6 years together on April 21st. Six Years!!! Yeay! We will be taking a long weekend to go to Mossyrock, WA to some bed and breakfast place I don’t know – I booked it through a groupon like thing. I look forward to it a lot, and I think WE, he and I - really could use a chance to get away.

Also given my new commitment to Deacon study, and life at large, I refuse to take on more than what my standard classes have been.

Extra cash is great, but not if I’m going to hate my life, and certainly not at the cost of DeaconStudy. (First and foremost the new studying,) And also, my students deserve me teaching from my heart, and not out of any other obligation. I have in the past, given a lot of thought (I overthink everything, seriously) as to why this part time teaching right now is how I do it.

The teaching for the most selfless way possible for me, is part of it. This is why I do not teach full time, and why I do not intend on, at this time, making Teaching yoga my livelihood.

As for more coverage for other teachers; not unless I am really in the mood, and then I refuse to take on more than 4 classes in a week anymore. I want to help people out so much, that sometimes I can be *persuaded* into covering a class for somebody here or there, even and in spite of the fact teaching the class doesn't actually work so well for me. This happened twice in two weeks with a couple of different classes, including causing me to take on an extra mentor class. (Not what I need, really). I won't write how I personally feel about mentorship. It wouldn't be a good public statement.

4 is my magic number for teaching on the side of Issaquah. Quite frankly, I will not be keen on covering the 830PM classes particularly for people. Maybe once in a great while. It is just too much difficulty and drains me, when I have a work day the next day. I get in to the office at Issaquah between 715-730AM. It used to 7, but then I kept pushing it back.

I am trying to get it closer to 7AM again. It all depends on my snooze button. *sheepish face*
Regardless. The last 2 weeks have taught me my teaching limit on the side of my FT job. I don’t get any time for me, decompression time, anything – when I teach as much as I have been. The paycheck will be great. I am considering getting my brother a VISA gift card so he can book a massage appointment with the most awesome masseuse ever with some of the extra cash. He needs it!!!!!

How grateful I am to have him back with the family and being true to himSelf … he is going to be such a strong guy after all this personal crap he has been facing last decade. I am proud of him. And I adore him as a person. He is a good man.

He deserves the best, and I can see he is getting closer to that every week. Happiness is important.

That is why I won’t be taking on that many 830pm classes in a row ever again. It is making me unhappy, fast.

-Angela

PS. And now I know why I proof read my blog 20 times normally. Guess yesterday I squeezed it in, posted, and did not proof read. Go figure. And I doubt I will proof read this 20 times either due to working at work. Go figure.
angelak: (Buy a vowel?)
You ever have those days where you'd like to pull the covers over your head and avoid the importants? I've been having those for like 1.5 weeks. :)
Oh. But be sure to come to my 830pm class tonight. ;) It will be alright. Really. This too, shall pass.

-Angela
angelak: (Eye)
I spend an insurmountable amount of time contemplating something useless: my own intelligence. Firstly, as a Yogini, I very well know not to compare myself against myself or others. It’s a fruitless pursuit, and countless (SERIOUSLY) hours on the mat have taught me this. Today, I feel ready to drop that fruitless pursuit regarding the intelligence. Who cares if I am slow memorizing? It’s not a race. Who cares if I don’t know what the fuck I am doing in the OTO right away? It’s not a race. How about stop WORRYING about it, and allow it to happen organically. Forcing it to happen? Bad juejue.

Back to my point. Perhaps my Yoga path will continue to improve, and I have hopes that my Deacon study (newly minted, this time is for real) can be re-aligned. The first time I was terrified. (I am still terrified. I don't got to lie to kick it - memorization terrifies me.) Ask my friends who knew me at Teacher Training what THAT looks like. Oi, the memories.

The first time I wanted to memorize the Deacon role, I could not even comprehend how to start.
Bonus: I have a LOT of memorization under my belt now, with the Bikram Yoga Teaching. Turning me loose to my own devices wasn’t working very well whatever year that was. 09? I can't remember. I am still ashamed I went away in the first place. I pretend that I am not, but this? The Truth. As the Deacon lines sat in front of me, I’d stare at it, not even know where to begin. Thank goodness someone this time said simple, “the 11 collects.”

Now looking at them… yes they are wordy and difficult. But they can very easily be broken down. And I can take literally as long as I need. Providing I am using 100% effort and commitment to get there, I will actually succeed. Maybe 110% effort, but – not in a half a second. English Bulldog determination – it’s time to draw on it and to stop judging myself against others in the Order, and against myself at the end of the day. I am Me and I should learn to get back to total Respect of myself, and give me some personal Love. Not in the dirty way, but in the honest to goodness “you are allowed to learn and here is some space for that.” Sort of way. Drop all the other Bullshit. All the worry, all the wasted energy and lack of time spent due to FEAR>. Fear nothing.

I stepped away for years simply because I couldn’t comprehend the notion of breaking it down. Had I begun then, I would already be there now. I’m not going to do that same thing twice. It is time. And I do think I can continue work on the Dialogue simultaneously. Oh, and the bullshit about insecurity and thinking I should change? Fuck it. I’m done. I am who I am. I gotta stop being resistant of who that is.

-Angela
angelak: (Female Runner)
I am preparing a running schedule soon. I miss it so.very.much, and have not been making it my priority. It’s been 3 years of stagnation in my mileage and speed. I am mostly looking to add miles. The runner in me is restless. I can do better without hurting myself, absolutely. Once my hamstring behaves and is 93% healed. Maybe even 99% healed. I am dying to finally progress. And it all starts with consistency, and weeks and weeks of slow progression. So I am drawing up a schedule. If I need to get up early to accomplish it; I will.
I really like a schedule; but it must also be flexible. This is how I have found my best success.
Later I will begin alternating Yoga weeks with the CT (strength) training weeks. Right now I am taking a strength training hiatus due to it being very lower body intensive. I may have to do upper body separate. Jury is out. I was just getting my guns back when I strained my hamstring but I do it a full body Circuit and always have, and haven't adjusted to more Upper only in my CT...

For April I need to make it happen, so I have drawn up something that looks very cool. Also noted when I run more, I actually get more time to do other things. It takes a lot less time than Yoga unfortunately. I figure on my SUPERB weeks, I will hit up the yoga studio as much as possible on wildcard days.

This is mostly for me, because I am quite sure no one else cares.
Rundown:

Sunday RUN
Monday YOGA
Tuesday RUN
Wednesday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/Slowly retroduce CT
Thursday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/CT
Friday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/CT
Saturday RUN

Wildcard days are designed for my flexibility situation.
I want at least 3 days definite runs per week, and as for my yoga schedule. Yes, it’s taking a hit for now. This is definitely a lot less Yoga than my typical situation. I know.
I will try to get in the studio as much as possible on the wildcard days – mostly designed to allow flexibility with the other shit going on.
Any time I can squeeze a yoga class in on a Run day is all the better, also. But I won't put that in the schedule as it's only a bonus situation to make me get some yoga in. The more yoga the better, as always.

Perhaps later I will make a Deacon schedule to force myself to start memorizing or figuring out how to make steps towards Mass involvement.
All in due time. My path to that is obviously quite slow and stately.

That’s all.
Another boring workout post.

-Angela

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