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angelak: (Alone)
Teacher Training Memoire )
angelak: (Eye)
This week has been restorative time spent at 874 and with Jimmers. Last week at work I was highly motivated. This week has been harder. I just want to leave town. Now.

It's freezing. I don't like the cold. I went shopping for long sleeved shirts, because apparently the ones I had have vanished into the abyss of my house. Layering is my new thing, because it's getting cold out, and I feel that I have been freezing for days. Ross provided some low cost options for me. Pretty much outfitted for winter now, thank goodness. Some of the stuff will work for the Spring, once we make it through the stupid months here.

I have become stripey girl due to the striped shirts all over Ross. I better balance it out with some other shirts later or I will become very bored.

It feels great to still have my life and dog home and routine in 874. The Dachshunds appreciate it. I appreciate it too. Especially being alone. Being alone feels so, so good, and so vital. Even if it's for an hour in the morning. Jim goes to work at 430AM. He kisses me goodbye and is gone by the time I get out of bed. I am alone in the house then.
I miss that in Bellevue Home. I need a name for that place, but I haven't for the life of me figured out what it could be. It's actually a good balance if I think about it, none the less.
The Dachshund routine with me in it is very, very comforting.
I say the same thing every morning to them when I am ready to take them out.
They snooze in bed until I am ready to take them out.
The moment I say the magic words to get them moving, they spring into action.
The three of us like our morning routine.
And I always loved my 874 morning routine. Maybe it's because I had 100% control over it.
And that 100% control is important to me.

In other thoughts:
If I get back to my work outs the right way, I will likely feel even better. But the starvation diet made it unappealing to work out, even for me. And now I am lazy. As I have mentioned to Sean though, perhaps this isn't so bad. I re-injured my hamstring doing standing bow in a cold room in rehearsals for Rite of Sol months ago. It has been cranky ever since and I have been holding back on the left side of postures in yoga for months now. Perhaps this resting phase is the best thing I could do for my hamstring. My hope is that when I try again and start using my body in the fitness fashion (I miss it) - my hamstring will have made some healing leaps. I injured it by straining it and stretching in a cold room: March 2012. Then it healed. Then I re-injured it in October 2012. It takes a lot of time for the damn hamstring to chillax. Damn you, hammy. It also kills me in the hot room to have to hold back on it. I know I could progress my standing bow in class if it wasn't so jacked!! My flexibility is there, but the muscle cannot do it without tearing if I am injured.
I suck.
But I know this too, shall pass.
And given my shotty yoga practice of 2013 ...well, *shrugs* I wouldn't be getting any better anyway. Soon, I will be there I guess. Who knows. I'm lost. I trust the right things will happen at the right time. I must.

Back to work, yeah?

angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

Quick 2012 RunDown. )

2013 arrives.


What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

angelak: (Pretty Dolphins Heart Shaped)
Today, it has become super obvious how lucky I am in a lot of respects. I have a life filled with people that are all amazing. We’re talking some seriously awesome people, all touching my life somehow. I fall in love with people very easily, for one thing. You don’t even have to be sexual with me, and I fall in love with you. This, as I see it – is only a good thing. The downside is my global reach of these people. Good, so good. Bad too, because I use the word love frequently, but not lightly. There are names for some of you, but these people are all over the World those that I *love* deeply. This means I miss them with great measure. Really, truly Miss them, with a capitol M.

I don't care about other folks who may be hesitant to express themselves as deeply or freely. Eat shit, and die. Word mechanics.

And because I went to TT, naturally my time off (paid anyway) is pretty light. I am waiting to bank more time. It happens relatively easily here at this place of employment, but at the same time I have a lot of people I want to see. People all over, like I said.
It’s worth it to have this dilemma. A few people I can think of right off, are both in and outside of the Bikram Yoga community.

There’s definitely Katty, Thomas, Gordon, Olga, Nancy, Ula, and yes I will be seeing Ann-Marie soon here at TT, and SALLIE!!!

And then there’s my CGW crew. Focusing on my Yoga-sphere, I have been unable to see Steve and Erin, Rachelle, Matty, and many others… due to this dilemma of awesome all over my life. I Miss them too!

Due to the yoga-rific parts of my life, I’ve been definitely hitting the plans to see first and foremost, Katty. She’s the most local. Vancouver BC is a stone throw away from the Seattle area. I also need to make time to fly down to San Fran eventually and pester Thomas. But that’s later. And of course, Gordon wants me to teach at his studio in NZ (yes you read that right) eventually.

And then there are those outside of the country (like Gordon.) Karoline, Renata, people I don’t know the nature or probability of seeing any time soon.
Anyway. This post really has more to do with the fact that there are people I am dying to see, miss seeing, am blessed to have spent everyday time with them for a period of time. I knew I was lucky with the opportunity at Teacher Training. I knew it was a beautiful thing, even if it was hard, a bit pain staking a times…
In other news.

It is also hard to squeeze in traveling sometimes, due to my life situations. Teaching, working at the Quah, taking care of the family right now. But fortunately for me, tomorrow I fly to LA to visit Spring Teacher Training 2012, to be on the “other” side, and later in the month, 21-24th, I will be going to Vancouver BC to see Aussie Joel and Katty once again – and mayyyybe, if I am lucky… Rachelle?! We’ll see.

The nature of this post definitely mirrors the fact that one day, I want to see these people again. And I want to keep them close to me somehow, even though I can’t see all of them immediately.

I think it’s possible. :)

If you are one of the people I have fallen for, don’t worry. I intend on finding you again :)
You may or may not know who you are.
And yes. Some of you are local to Seattle too. ;)

angelak: (Take me away)
May is coming, and with May, time off is coming. I need it desperately. I’m sensitive right now. Easily harmed through unintended means by those around me. One could call it Moody. I don’t believe I am typically Moody, because this past 2 weeks has shown me what Moody really looks like. Jim – what you experience living with me doesn’t count ;) (It’s okay, he doesn’t read this shit I write anyway.)

So, I was all ready to be relaxed and allow myself space to memorize deacon stuff on my own capacity. The best I can do. And then a syntax – writing error caused me to think someone thought I shouldn’t even be in the OTO (I’m not pointing fingers, this is just how the moody idiot in me processed commentary) if I have a fear of memorizing.

I was quite happy and cheerful for a minute when I realized I was picking up the first collect, “the Sun” pretty quickly. My Bikram memorizing was already coming in handy! The pain staking hours of torture in and out of the Yoga room were paying off somewhere else also! My investment! My thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours were coming through for me again!!!!!!

And then I misunderstood about someone else misunderstanding me, and my heart sank and I returned for a few hours, to my usual self. Lower cased “s” in self. The self that abuses me, the self that tells me that I’m a loser – that only the real intellects deserve to go on these journeys. BULLSHIT> self imposed lies. I am worthy of this.

I am 110% worthy of it, and there is nothing wrong with what I have upstairs. This is an affirmation I will be working on as much as possible.

Speaking with Jim, again to bring him up – he informed me that MAYBE, just maybe – everyone is supportive of me and that my response, reactions, and feelings are a product of a high level of pressure on me, of STRESS. A ton of things going on, teaching, working at Issaquah, balancing my hours to try and handle social security office visits, getting my elderly Grandpa out of the house to deal with them, being told to come back more than once from those DMV flunkies, managing a reverse lookup situation with every single bill, one by one – for my grandparents. Getting to the bank, dealing with all kinds of business. Balancing a lack of time to clean my house, the messy house part is something that makes me feel out of control with my life, even if I am quite in control of my life, it's just that when my house is messy, I feel awful – simultaneously taking on way too many classes in the last 2 weeks teaching the yoga – managing a minor injury preventing me from my usual coping mechanisms. The crazy that is held at bay by working out so regularly.

And then some. More, there’s more and I can’t list it all out. A restless anger was boiling beneath the surface all last week.

And so Jim mentioned, indicated one thing: and Now? On top of all this, you want to enact more spiritual growth and you’re unsure of how this will go for yourself – and you wonder why you are reacting, being human?

It was a rather sweet moment of him, it made me realize how important his support is. He never once gives me shit for being more involved in other things outside of he and I. He is very flexible with our time.

Needless to say, May is coming.
In May, I take off for Los Angeles to visit teacher training,!!!! to be reunited with my bestie Katty from Vancouver and Lacy from Vegas (Lacy, I know her less than Katty) from May 9-12th.) Don’t burgle my house, folks, Jimmers will be home and yes, he has a Mossburg.
If you don’t know what a Mossburg is… nevermind.

Following this trip, I am driving Sunshine up across the border to meet Aussie Joel from May 21-24th or something like that, to Vancouver, with my new passport, and will also see Katty again. (Seriously. I'm stoked.) If I am lucky, the sun will be out and I can drop the top the whole way up to the border, ey?

The time off Issaquah is very needed, I am beginning to see. And my closest bit of peace will happen later this month, April.

Jim and I celebrate 6 years together on April 21st. Six Years!!! Yeay! We will be taking a long weekend to go to Mossyrock, WA to some bed and breakfast place I don’t know – I booked it through a groupon like thing. I look forward to it a lot, and I think WE, he and I - really could use a chance to get away.

Also given my new commitment to Deacon study, and life at large, I refuse to take on more than what my standard classes have been.

Extra cash is great, but not if I’m going to hate my life, and certainly not at the cost of DeaconStudy. (First and foremost the new studying,) And also, my students deserve me teaching from my heart, and not out of any other obligation. I have in the past, given a lot of thought (I overthink everything, seriously) as to why this part time teaching right now is how I do it.

The teaching for the most selfless way possible for me, is part of it. This is why I do not teach full time, and why I do not intend on, at this time, making Teaching yoga my livelihood.

As for more coverage for other teachers; not unless I am really in the mood, and then I refuse to take on more than 4 classes in a week anymore. I want to help people out so much, that sometimes I can be *persuaded* into covering a class for somebody here or there, even and in spite of the fact teaching the class doesn't actually work so well for me. This happened twice in two weeks with a couple of different classes, including causing me to take on an extra mentor class. (Not what I need, really). I won't write how I personally feel about mentorship. It wouldn't be a good public statement.

4 is my magic number for teaching on the side of Issaquah. Quite frankly, I will not be keen on covering the 830PM classes particularly for people. Maybe once in a great while. It is just too much difficulty and drains me, when I have a work day the next day. I get in to the office at Issaquah between 715-730AM. It used to 7, but then I kept pushing it back.

I am trying to get it closer to 7AM again. It all depends on my snooze button. *sheepish face*
Regardless. The last 2 weeks have taught me my teaching limit on the side of my FT job. I don’t get any time for me, decompression time, anything – when I teach as much as I have been. The paycheck will be great. I am considering getting my brother a VISA gift card so he can book a massage appointment with the most awesome masseuse ever with some of the extra cash. He needs it!!!!!

How grateful I am to have him back with the family and being true to himSelf … he is going to be such a strong guy after all this personal crap he has been facing last decade. I am proud of him. And I adore him as a person. He is a good man.

He deserves the best, and I can see he is getting closer to that every week. Happiness is important.

That is why I won’t be taking on that many 830pm classes in a row ever again. It is making me unhappy, fast.


PS. And now I know why I proof read my blog 20 times normally. Guess yesterday I squeezed it in, posted, and did not proof read. Go figure. And I doubt I will proof read this 20 times either due to working at work. Go figure.
angelak: (Make a wish)
Brilliant contrasts in my life at the moment. I can’t say I mind it. I have my city job, tech support. I have my Yoga Teaching, healing and connection to my fellow humans. Both are about connection – and yet one feels pretty disconnected until you put my personality into it. I think city government has its share of disconnection. Or maybe that’s how I feel about all the changes happening here at the city. A lot of disconnection… Stressful times here, I can’t deny – and my department isn’t even under the heat. I think it is the fact there is a new city administrator and he has now begun implementing changes that a massive 1 year long brainstorming session has brought to him.

I want to be here, that is certain. I’ll continue to roll with the intuitive sense that has given me everything, and I mean everything – I needed in the right time. I’m just here to say it’s a little bit of a stressful time to be an employee here. Layoffs, people butting their heads’ into different places, cut throat “I’m important, look at why,”s all over. That’s all I will say on this, specifically. And I feel it. I go all over the city; I touch every department in my work. I like it that way – a lot, but sometimes it has its downsides.

Drama and relentlessness. I have been here 10 years now.
When I leave and go directly to teach some yoga – it amazes me the feelings I have. Starkly contrasting. Maybe that’s where the contrast is. I just love how it feels to connect with students and I love how when I have a rough day at Issaquah, it turns around the moment I step off the podium from teaching. It erases everything, resets everything – even if the things that come out of my mouth aren’t as smooth as they could be, I find myself smiling anyway and not taking a single thing seriously – as long as my students get their yoga and I am doing my best, that is enough to make me smile, to make me relax. It takes energy, definitely – but it’s a labor of love. And when I say a labor of love, I mean all dimensions of this. There’s not quite a way to put it into words.

I’ve taught quite a few classes now – not quite as much as the full time teachers who came down from my training – but more than some of my fellow trainees also.
I’m accepting myself as a teacher and what I have to offer and my personality that shines through the dialogue and the methods that work for me when I am up there. Maybe sometimes I lose the words at times, but most of the time I find I step up there and the dialogue is behind me, ushering me forward and giving me just what I need to give my students what they need.

I love it, I love it, I love it.
This even so – I am not particularly keen on the notion of leaving my position at the City for this job. It is not the path for me right now – if ever. A lot of people think it must be all or nothing. I know I went to a more than average intensive training to do this. This was for me, and also for my students. Weekend certifications linger all over, but what good is something that you don’t work for? HIGHEST LEVEL OF QUALIFICATION - is key for me. And an actual Yoga lineage.

I can say with utmost certainty I worked harder than I’ve worked for anything to get this Bikram Yoga Teaching Certification. I gave more sweat, tears, ups and downs, self realization moments than anything else I’ve ever tried to do. I gave more of my personal time and cash, disconnection from my whole universe… I kept a few threads of ties back home, but for the most part I did allow myself the immersion of the YogaPlanet that Bikram, Rajashree, Emmy, and his staff creates at every training.

So while I did this, and it’s unusual – it was never the idea for sure to leave my day job and go do this. Do I want to drive all over this area to catch classes at 5 different studios, push push push to make it happen and earn 1/3 busting my ass doing that – 1/3 of my income than I do here? I learned for the first time ever the “push, push, push” element of life flow, is not the same as pushing in Camel pose. At all. Or would I rather be busy in the happiest, predictable ways – earning even more money than I would at Issy alone – helping me recoup the financial burden that going to training did pose? Pardon the pun there.

No, the Karma Yoga aspect of teaching without feeling I must rely on it for full time income really takes a lot of pressure off in certain aspects – and is in alignment with what I want to do right now. And in other aspects, it creates more for obvious 1.5 jobs reasons. But then again – envision that I have now diversified my skill-sets and this is one more piece of insurance for the rest of my life I carry. I have another skill outside of IT should I ever need to make it on that alone. It’s not about leaving the IT industry… it’s not about sticking with it… it’s just about taking myself where I feel is right, and right now everything is happening Right for me.

I’ve invested a long time waiting for shit to align. It was in 2007 when I first started feeling like shit fell apart and needed a course correction. So I thought I would train to enter police academy. I gave this my 120% effort. Until in 2008, early – right before I went to test and would have passed because I was a fucking workout machine (in every way you can imagine, seriously – fuck modesty, I had it going on) – the knee injury happened. April 2008. This changed everything. The real course redirection happened. 2 years of holding pattern, frustration, very slow and steady shifts that would one day take me to the notion that I should give up on later going to teacher training. Only for 2011 to come along and blow me out of the water with the opportunity of 10 years vacation time and the off chance my boss APPROVED and his bosses – the vacation from the last 10 years remaining on the books – to be taken at once, giving me the open and clear way to head to Teacher Training Fall 2011.
Now everything is referenced – as before TT Fall 2011, and After. Well! I’ll be damned!!! Rather, Blessed.
So my course re directions kept me here at Issaquah and I had no idea why, for a long time. Hind-sight, sitting in a hotel room (room 453, Radisson LAX, to be precise) I pieced together some mysteries that eluded me for months and months and maybe painstaking weeks in the years prior.

I’ve learned from this. Things are how they are sometimes – to set you up for a better deal than you could have imagined. I don’t fight for shit, but work with the flow and push at the right times, now.

Some of my friends at TT bitched and moaned, but I was just in awe of what was happening to me, in spite of some of the worst moments of TT. There were some hum-dinger shitty moments, and without my external threads, the support networks, I might have literally gone insane. Flying Jim in for weekend #4, I think it was… who knows. It was well worth the cash to do that.

At times I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself during the TT process. At times I wish I really knew how to let things go and stop worrying about how fast everyone else learned and how slow I learned… but hey, that’s a major issue I have.
I think I’m slower than everyone else. But I have some shit together and I can’t complain and now I’m a teacher and people thank me and smile on their way out the door from my class with genuine appreciation behind those smiles. I’m changing lives through bringing the yoga to people so they can change their lives through their own practices.
This is why I wanted to become a teacher. And I’m doing it.
Maybe that’s why I feel so much joy – I know I’m doing what I wanted to do, the underlying alignment behind it all. I’m growing, myself - the whole time and I can’t help it. I love being around people, I love talking to people, working with people. Sometimes people hurt me, a lot – because I care so much about people. I’m not one of these folks doing the Yoga Teaching for my aggrandizement … it’s a form of generosity that I specifically feel is my Karma Yoga.

The generosity of Bikram Yoga is that it frees people up to live their True Will, as I see it. It’s 110% this. And if standing up and giving people my energy with the dialogue and my heart with the dialogue is how I can affect people to reach their True Will………..

This is what makes me so very happy.

angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
It's been happening. It's the kind of week where every time I turn around, I'm missing, remembering, reminiscing about my friends, my experience, my life in Los Angeles, Teacher Training. Blown away it's over, and intensely full of nostalgia for my comrades – we've all faded into our regular lives and we are still a part of one another, but it is never going to be the same. It was a one shot show, once only. I miss so very much about the experience, it comes back in waves.

First I think about the classes. I miss waking up in the morning every day and preparing to hit the mat first thing, before anything else happened in my day. I miss standing around before class in the morning and the evening talking to my besties. I miss Bikram's classes more than I care to admit. I have never, ever, ever, laughed so hard in my life – all while still doing yoga. Who knew. OF course there will never be any other class like that. I miss twice a day yoga, every week. I miss the ease of getting the yoga in because NOTHING ELSE could get in the way. The jokes, the singing, the ridiculous songs. I also miss being sick of hearing the same stupid tired tune, but every time Bikram sang, I loved it. Maybe other people hated it – but I adored it. His energy from the podium was so great. I kept fighting my own feelings because I was in a sea of other people, but now I can look back and I know what I felt. Bikram is a soul that while everyone talks about him being a dick, I am endeared by.

I felt like I had to think he was an asshole because he said mean things too. But that's not how I felt. I didn't find him to be an asshole. I found him to be a master of shock value. That's it. People constantly take shit so seriously. Even me. More than Bikram being a dick to me, I took those ridiculous posture clinic teachers harder than I ever took Boss.

I even miss posture clinics, hours and hours of BS. I do not miss someone giving me crap for bathroom breaks or where I was going at any point in the day – that I certainly do NOT miss. I do NOT miss being told, that one day when my period went on for 2 days longer than normal, "why weren't you prepared enough to bring EXTRA tampons????" (To the person who said, I give you a FUCK YOU from here, right now, still. I was bleeding out of my crotch and very unhappy in that moment). I miss everyone whining and bitching about Mahabarat. I miss laughing and eating garbage food all night long. While I often felt estranged from even my own close knit group of friends, I often didn't realize I was more accepted than I thought. No one really knew me at times, but then sometimes there were moments where people did know me intimately in ways that others in my regular life didn't.

Do I miss being a snotty pile of shit in the last week because I allowed people in posture clinic to rob me of my peace and human dignity momentarily? No. Of course not. I hated that. I hated it more than anything. I felt like the only person who was a mess in those moments. Everyone could see it. There was no way to keep it from being exposed to tens of twenties of people all over. Was I snotty mess? Yes, Yes I was. Because I wasn't ready to accept that everyone is human, and no one gives a shit if you expose your weakness. I regularly do expose my weakness – but typically only in word form. Not in actual, raw expression. A lot of people followed my blog apparently while I was gone, and by the time the real juicy crap hit me, I was unable to take time to write. It's coming out now maybe.

I miss Karen and her cute, smiley self. She is a great lady, and I do know she's got a lot of wisdom. And sweet Tracy, who was often in my room when I came back during breaks from studying...

I miss Gui from Chile... I will never forget the day he asked me if I was having a good day in the hallway back to our rooms - 4th floor neighbors as it were, in the final week. When I in fact, was not having a good week. I tried to say I was okay, And then - I looked at him with his big heart and beautiful eyes, and just started bawling. He took me in his arms and held me and said a bunch of Spanish things and it didn't matter what he said. He squeezed me and it was all okay. His big heart was something that made everyone know and love him by the end of the 9 weeks.

Digression – the things I miss. The damn stairwells. I miss walking down Sepulveda, I miss the spanish speakers. I miss telling them things like, "I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. Hungry for penis..." In Spanish. The look on those faces. Seriously. And I miss Olga... I miss her natural charm and beauty and support. That girl knew I struggled with a sense of self confidence, I think she felt it more than others sometimes. Sniff. There aren't words for missing the people who held my thread of sanity at times. Shit, I had no idea! I also regret not having a chance to get to know more people, better. I could easily turn into a sniffly mess just thinking of these people in detail. Thomas, and yes Katty. But Katty and I have a different connection. And I can feel her proximity. I have more contact with her, so it burns less than say – Olga, Thomas, Gordon... and when we're not talking about my posse, all I can think of is Group 17 and the people who incidentally showed me more support than I think I've ever seen in my life regarding an academic endeavor. Renata, Karoline, Ula... Czech Republic, Germany, Florida... how the hell will I ever connect with these people that I feel shaped me so much, and gave me so much, every day, every week........ it gives me a giant lump in my throat, it makes my eyes water. These ladies... they accepted me and were always there for me, and when I fell apart – they never ever gave up on me. The emotions are so huge. Tangible, and I think they live and breathe on their own.

The group as a whole, screaming and clapping and cheering you on every day as we all stepped up to deliver the postures... when people ask me about TT, I have no way to put the emotions into words. They are so poignant – and most of the time, I've been avoiding them a little bit since I got home. Why would I want to think so deeply about the people I miss... I might actually cry because it's over, and there's no looking back. Actually, I've been so focused on my teaching, on being the best teacher I can be even though most new teachers have a long, maybe much lonelier journey ahead than was TT. I have my freedoms back, but the people... they're scattered all over the World and I miss them. I want to stamp my feet, fists balled up, and scream. I miss my people! Miss them so much! It makes me feel so lonely I don't know I've ever felt like this in my entire life... you know when you miss one person you're in love with intensely, like your lover or your primary life partner? It kind of feels like this, except with 20 people simultaneously.

It's a sense of longing I feel like will never really quite ease up, after all. I have a billion places on the map now that I have an urgency towards seeing, but no vacation time left, and a bunch of financial things to sort out for myself. (I'm still solid, it's going quite well, but I have to recover from that investment). And now I see why people say it is the best money they ever spent.

And now I find myself so qualified. People ask me about yoga everywhere. And I have a million things to say, it all comes out without me even thinking about it. People with their fucked up bodies everywhere....... I want them to come in. I want them to start a yoga practice, because I know. I * know * beyond a shadow of doubt that it would help ease their problem. And yet I can't even get the point across. No... I can't. It's something people have to figure out on their own and want to heal on their own. I can say 100 things and that person who scoliosis will talk about the other yoga they tried and how it made their shit worse. Well, that's because you were doing some weird yoga combined with pilates and this and that. It was not designed as a healing routine, but a fitness routine. The difference is night and day. Your hips are screwed up? You can fix this. I swear.

Most people lack the all out commitment to heal themselves, though. I hate to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. That's the truth. You'd rather try and give a half assed shot at health and do it the lazy way, instead of the hard way. I see it every day.

And Reina reminded me of how she urged me to try yoga for 2 years, and one day I went on my own without her knowing... I told Reina for a year, “no, Reina. I'm a runner. I don't do that pansy ass yoga crap.” Now she is witnessing me – today, and I'm a teacher.

Sorry, Reina. You knew what you were talking about.

There are more things I miss... of course, sure – California. But not really nearly as much as I miss the yoga bubble. And the people. I'm a people lover, and once I make some connections, well. What can I say? I really fall for people. And not just my lovers. My friends are so, so important to me too. And to the people still supporting me (Katty) while I walk the rough path of new teaching. Well, you mean more to me than you know. And so too, do those people who kept me strong through out Fall 2011 TT.

And as Bikram would say in class ....
"Are you ready? YES OR NO?!"
This time, not for a posture, but... For life on the outside?

angelak: (AngelaNov09)

Focus for 2012
(I don't exactly do resolutions, per se, but I do have focuses.)

Serve my communities – focal point = Service

Yoga/OTO/Pagan communities, serve them (How? Be present. Give whenever possible in time/service.)

Leave Self doubt behind

Serve in the Mass team beyond the child role:
(First Deacon, then Priestess - eventually, in the future...)

Replace carpets downstairs in 874

Create a tidy home that is nearly always acceptable for impromptu guests

Become a strong and valued Bikram Yoga Teacher

Develop my Yoga Teaching

Digest and Teach verbatim Bikram Dialogue

Improve physical and emotional bodies

Reach the low 140lbs range solid

Lean out body the rest of the way

Shrink the hips/upper thighs

Return to Teacher Training as a mentor (not a DE-mentor).

Travel to see teacher training friends and take their classes!

Maintain a strong Yoga practice

Maintain a moderate running and circuit training schedule

Continually build strong relationships with my sweeties

Stay close with Jim

More personal focus from self to community service

Rite of Sol Involvement

Search for a late 90's Mitsubishi Eclipse for personal material items list
angelak: (The Past)
Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!


I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

angelak: (Default)
9 days to go. I’m a mixed bag of sheer excitement and sheer “really? It’s happening?” I’ve been laser focused at work. Getting all of my last projects finished up, doing what I need to do. Someone mentioned I might be totally distracted next week. But I was too busy being focused to really consider that after today – I only have 1 more week here at the office until I’m officially on leave for… well, longer than I could ever have dreamed of asking for, let alone actually GETTING, let alone… Wow, it’s all very humbling in a way, as in humbling to the Flow of the Universe, to my passion here, and what I’m setting out to do. To even having this opportunity. This is something I’d read about in someone else’s blog at previous points in my life and say, “Damn, I wish I could do something nuts like that. Take off from my job. Still get paid… go learn a way to diversify my income and feed my passion, all at once…” “that stuff never happens to ME…” well, jee golly – It’s happening and it is as real as real can be. We’ll see!!!
I am happy I have half moon. I don’t have any other postures. But I have half moon…
And now that it is so close, it’s very hard to imagine that before I know it, I’ll be on that plane to LA. There is still a lot happening in my life between now and when I leave. Tomorrow, coffee with Jon G – a last minute plan. Yoga hopefully, because after house sitting for my parents for 4 days, I didn’t get to practice. Sunday I film a 9-11 remembrance ceremony with TS – this to earn one last extra bit of dough. It sure helps, seeing as I’ve had to buy way more things than I realized I would need for this. And the half of it hasn’t even begun. I’m sure I will need to get things while in LA…

So the weekend = Yoga and stuff. Jim will likely come home on Sunday and hopefully we can clean house, have one on one time together. It’s been a little hectic for him and me on that front. I’ve been so darned busy!!!
Monday and Tuesday look NICE AND CLEAR. Relief on that. I can spiff up my house, and begin doing the last bits of errands I need to do before I ship out, for real. Really getting my packing list together, stuffing it into the footlocker I intend on either shipping/mailing, or we’ll see. I wanted something I could store/hide things in from the house keeping staff. I would crack a joke about my dildo… but I really mean other appliances.

Wednesday is bowling/skating with OTO folks, woohoo. Jim will probably come this time.
Thursday morning Barry is flying in and staying until way after I leave for Los Angeles.
Friday evening we are driving to Leavenworth as soon as I get off work to spend the night with Barry and Jim. (Barry=Jim’s Dad). Spending Saturday DAY at Leavenworth, driving home for the evening.
I fully intend on having ALL OF MY STUFF taken care of Tuesday night. You read that right. Will spend quality time with Barry and Jim before SUNDAY morning.

Sunday morning I have a 9:35AM flight to Los Angeles. And it all begins.
I arrive roughly around 11:30 in LA. I cannot believe it is so close.
Today is special also – Friday. Jim is going to his 10 year HS reunion tonight – and I am celebrating a dear friends’ 28th birthday. We are having a special tea ceremony somewhere in Seattle this evening, I look forward to it.

I will say this. Sleeping in my own bed and wandering around 874 was delightful after spending a few days in Snohomish. Nothing wrong with their house… I just remember why I like the space that I have. And my bed. And my pillow… and 2 dogs. Off to go grab some lunch and finish out the day now!

angelak: (ShadowFax)
Maybe I should begin the countdown for training? I’m not really a countdown sort of person, though. Or maybe I am? Who am I kidding...? ;) I just titled it that because this really shows the days are slowly dwindling. I admit it. I’d rather just let it creep up on me. I tend to be impatient about jumping in and doing things. The more anxious I am, the more impatient I am. The unknown is more of an annoyance. I’d rather create it into a known as fast as possible… and I know that isn’t necessarily the best approach. So lately, I’ve been muddling around finding ways to enjoy the journey preceding the journey, as it were.
It’s coming soon enough, and I still have much work to do. More dialogue… more preparation, you know. Getting the house ready to be without me. Getting myself ready with the right supplies so when I have no house, but a home of one hotel room, it will be easier to transition. You know. A few loose plans about how to live life without easy ways to prepare meals, stuff like that.

The rest cut for my friends on LJ. )

angelak: (Female Runner)
The real confession is that Running is always going to be my first love. I know that soon that will perhaps be eclipsed by the fact that I am going to do a crazy 9 week program, and the yoga-centricity (my own word) is huge. I mean 24/7 yoga virtually. Which is AWESOME! Do not get me wrong. But I am consistently reminded of my first love. And on my run last night, a lot of thoughts came about.

Running is for me. Teaching Yoga is for my fellow humans. )
angelak: (Default)
Did not make it to the farmer's market this week. Oops. Took a double yoga class Friday, and one single today. Thinking the sun looks pretty. I pretty much skipped a sunny afternoon in order to secure another class .

(On Friday).

Today, I decided it was a single day and a sunshine day. :D
Trying not to focus on the numbers of the days as much this time, so that the "challenge" goes by without too much ado.
Thinking it is schedule "Long Run," day. Which should be easy to motivate for, considering... it is so beautiful. Now to just get out before sun-drops to enjoy that. If not, it's a night time - cool evening jaunt for me. I feel full from linner! (Lunch/Dinner).

Sunset is at 8:30ish. I think within the hour I can convince myself to move - right? Maybe? I'm not sure.

angelak: (CommentsCrack)
Been a strange time. Not all bad, just very contrasting in short periods of time. Dare I say Manic?
At times I've been super positive and been pushing myself towards the best side of myself that I can be. Some of the time I've fallen off some kind of cliff and gotten down and confused and lost.

Most of the time I've been happy and positive and heading towards my goals.
My biggest goal is ShapeShifting wise, but that hasn't changed for roughly 2 years so I'm not going to go into depth with it.

In fact, most of those 2 years, I was closer than I had any idea, to my goal - than I realized.

Other goals include greater self acceptance instead.

This weekend I have newly created plans with Kelsi on Sunday night. We haven't hung out in months, so that should be nice. Tried calling her a few times in the last week and figured it was ok that I didn't get through. Wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about...

Am hitting the gym, and running when I can... in the midst of a 30 day Yoga trial and loving it. Except last night when I was feeling down on my physical body. Today should be better. I'm intending on taking a double (2 classes) tonight to kick off my weekend.

Get ahead on that 30 day schedule - yeah? :)
If I get to the end of the 30 days, I might go for a 60 day. We'll see. If I don't feel like it, I don't.
As for anything else... grateful every day I spend with Jim in our home together, in our relationship together. We make each other smile more and more lately than I've ever remembered. It's a crazy-wild thing. 4 years and I feel like we've reached another NRE stage? I'm not sure. All I know is that we're in sync right now and it's nice.

To be feeling this way is definitely different than any other relationship I was in around this point. We're working out issues in our partnership and really getting content with what that means. Sometimes, problems take months and months to make progress on. He is so positive and so uplifting, that in spite of my general tendency to be a negative nancy, we still spend our time together for the most part in bliss.

Who knew.

And the more time that goes by, I realize how much he appreciate me for who I am, even if that is inherently flawed, at times lacking self image confidence and self esteem.

Anyway. That's all, for now! I am succeeding in posting in May. I'll keep at it!

angelak: (Gleaming Mtn)
My posting momentum definitely shifted in April! As did my momentum with so many other things.
I played with some raw food for about 1 month. Did another 100% raw stretch. It gave good results, I even lost some weight for a minute. But then it came back on as a springboarded out of the raw foods into...

An unprepared post-detox strategy.
Sort of feeling off-kilter, for sure with this. So I am rebalancing with some other stuff. I feel pretty imbalanced in general. I have no idea where to go next with my life, even though I feel like for a few years I've been examining this very thing. Financially I'm doing just fine. That's par for the course. I'm typically fine in this area.

Looking to rebalance what my work outs are, but I find it hard once I add a #3 item to my work out list, that I get too overwhelmed. The problem is that I love and fond Yoga, but I always loved Running, and Circuit Training is important to me too. I struggle having all 3 being players of my life. I find that unlike my stretch between 2007-2008 pre-yoga, the focus drops off on my fitness goals when I have too many different things going on. For one, yoga can be done constantly and there is no limit to that. It also takes up way more time than any other fitness regimen of mine - which means it really does draw from teh rest of my "life."

I like the benefits I get from all 3. I like the benefits of Yoga, but at 3 hrs per night - it DOES take my entire night after work. I'm back to running and pretty much doing 90% of everything physically I could desire.

Standing in one place is no longer a horrid bear on my knees. I can wander around on uneven grounds, do things that used to be WILD. Like stuff that was out of my normal "safe" equation. A lot of folks didn't understand that just going out and trying something new was really hard on me. This is because.... wait for it.......... I was scared of reinjuring myself because I had done it soooo many times repeatedly in the course of 2 years.

Whelps, it has been 2 years since the initial injury.

I actually didn't even write a post about it this year :P It must be because I wasn't focused on it as much. My life is mostly normalizing. Except for the whole, "no direction career wise," and also challenges of figuring out what I want my work out plan to be. It's hard. I'm my own trainer and I'm good at it. But for the first time in years, I'm confused.

I am doing a 10k training plan at the moment that appears to be below my threshold (intentionally). This is fine. But in the midst of that, the Yoga has fallen off the wagon some. Well, shoot!! Right?
Who knows. All I know is that I do work out a minimum of 5 times a week.
Circuit training is one of my favorite activities ... the benefits of strength training are boundless like Yoga. How do I fit all 3 in? I try to get up earlier, but most times I just want my damn sleep. I personally think getting myself to work out once a day is a big enough thing that doing it twice in a day sort of drains me for my next week of work outs. Therefore, I'm at a stalemate.

Oh yeah. And we're coming up on 1 month without my sweet little Rufus around. We've adjusted. It's just not as cool as it was. He was awesome. He was my little emotional anchor. Now I've got flighty, very spoiled, very wonderful, and fantastic Fritz solely. He has adapted well to all of the extra attention in the wake of Ru's crossing over.

I have also been going to a new chiropractor. He is not only cracking my back (which has minor alignment issues thanks to a CRT monitor lifting situation when I was 19) - but also stripping my tendons of their scar tissue so that I can kneel easier on my knees directly without experience huge levels of annoyingness later. Speaking of which, I need to go find some shorts and head out to the appointment.

angelak: (874)
Lunchtime today ... I wasn't sure if I had it in me for a run. But I did my new favorite "town loop."
Start around 56th Street, run down 56th to Gilman Blvd, down Gilman Blvd to Front Street - hang a left, and back to my car which is near 56th.

The last 2-3 weeks I've been making a nice 50 minutes of this regularly. Today I blew that away with a 45 minute clock in time. Wow - if I do say so myself. I was wondering why I was getting tired at the end aside from being at the edge of my calories for the day - and it might just be that I was high tailing it for the beginning of my run.

Needless to say, it felt awesome - but I think tonight I'ma take off from Yoga and reward myself with a lil chill time around 874.

Appreciate the wonders that I have use of (my home!)
March is gonna be my month - people. I'm here to make use of my time wisely.
Who knows whether that's a new pace, or I just had the right alignment to provide these legs with some speed. Also - could be the circuit training paying off. This is possible. :)

Regardless. Work is caught up. Next week I have Sharepoint training.
I know - not a terribly exciting post.
Yoga was super hot last night, it broke 111 degrees with 40% humidity. Woo. It was hard because I worked my body hard earlier in the day with my circuits and upping my weights.
And then after Yoga - since Grant's girlfriend wasn't there to sort of friend-block me, I chatted it up with him for an hour or two before I headed home for my shower and dinner. I got home and ate dinner at midnight.


:P But once Grant starts going on about Yoga or we start talkin about life - suddenly I look at the clock and it's been an hour or two! Yikes. It's 2200 when class ends to begin with on Tuesdays. I try and take the Tuesday 2030 class. Was just nice to visit with Grant, it's been a while since we just talked. Goof ball always has some tiny details to share with me about the poses. I enjoy it 111% :D

Way too clever. I hope to remember the things he told me DURING the series.
In fact, he may have had difficulty with memorization and really getting the series down pat... but there are so many areas where he blows me away and astonishes me with his detail oriented nature and insights. Really, he's a sharp dude. Everyone needs a friend, also - that will pass the time so quickly that you thought you blinked but it's hours later! Seriously. Everyone needs a pal like that.

angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
Today was pretty awesome. Maybe not quite Inna-awesome (reading her posts lately, wowzers), but awesome for what makes an Angela tick. So, I slept in. I like being productive and getting up early - but it's been a very "get rest," sort of tempo for the month of February. For whatever reason!!!

Also, Jim came to bed. I like to sleep next to him - so some weekends, I'll nurse those hours along on purpose.

Got up - went for a short run in the rain (3 miles or something). Came home, stretched briefly, headed out for the 1400 Bikram Yoga class. Happily had a strong class. Came home. Took a shower. Jim woke up while I was downstairs making mushrooms coated in wheatgerm with olive oil. We visited and chatted and had a nice hour or so with each other. I headed out to OLOTEAS. Went to Amy's workshop. Saw a few friends (way too brief) and headed out to visit with Jim since everyone but C had left. Not that C wasn't formidable company - but I was feelin' antsy.

Got to visit with Jimmers a bit longer and then ... we get to the fun part.
Earlier in the day, Rufus had a (SUPER) rare accident. ON the bed. Fortunately, I have my many reasons - but I have a waterproof mattress liner that I put underneath my sheets. For those of you who hate TMI - this is sad for you: As any man who has been with me for any amount of time will attest - there's a pretty good reason for this. There is no mistaking my sexual experience with the Sahara desert in the slightest. My mattress would smell like a skeezy sex-mattress without one, and for all intents and purposes, you just never know when a 14 year old dog is going to accidentally not bark for hours and then let loose his bladder on your bed. This doesn't happen with him. Apparently Jim thought I had let the dog out earlier in the day before he had went to bed, and I hadn't. Minor communication error between us. Usually he barks obnoxiously (to our benefit) every 2 minutes until we carry him down 2 flights of stairs and outside to his happy urinating spot, where he then makes his long 4 foot trek to the back stoop (if he doesn't accidentally wander to the neighbors' stoops and try and jump the single stair up). We let him jump his single stair and into the house. Old Ru doesn't do a lot of foot commuting these days :P And he is super blind, so... jeah. This time, he didn't bark. I guess it came upon him quick today.

Therefore, I washed all the bedding. Except... when the liner was dry, I was left to mess with it all by myself. Jim had already gone to work for the night. PISSY! I fought and fought and fought. My liner is ON, but it is not on the way I want it to be. This will work until Jim can help me.

Oh yeah. I saw my creepy uncle at OLOTEAS. Creepy.
I was at the sink and was going to put something in the sink or rinse off my plate, when I walked up and didn't recognize him. Until he walked past me. Creeped me out. Not a fan of this dude. Needless to say he didn't try and talk to me. Relieved! A couple weeks ago, my mom informed me that Uncle (Stephen) told Grandma and Grandpa that I went by "Abigail," to my friends at OLOTEAS. Um, sorry pal. Clean out the cotton balls from your ears, it's "Angela."
heh. Odd. I know I sound like a bitch - but it's seriously because I really dislike this guy.

I told Jim today that his nephews and me have a very different picture when they hear the word "uncle." His nephews ADORE him. He is their role model, their hero. My uncles were all retarded sleezebags who had pretty low intelligence. But actually - Uncle Stephen isn't dumb. He is pretty smart. He is just not the greatest human I know. He has brains in there. I just can't figure out why his social intelligence is so ehh. Weird. He is arrogant, and repelling in general. And apparently now he is butt ugly. When did he get so ugly? Wow. Sorry. My unabashed opinions don't cater to kindness. Do they? Oops. :)

How is it I have no uncles or aunts that I can really truly say are cool? My parents are rockstars. I adore them. But their siblings? Fucking whackjobs. :)
I think my one chance for an awesome aunt died at the age of 21 of leukemia. Bummer. Too bad she isn't around in an incarnate sort of way. It's okay. I think I know her in the other-worldly sense. Shout out to my dead Aunt Lori. Wish you had been around during my lifetime... but you were long gone. Word on the street is that you were pretty damned cool.

angelak: (Goddess)
Boy oh boy. It's been a busy day. I've been catching up on some work and getting a lot done. That's a bonus. I want to make Friday a bit low key ;) It might become my new policy to make Thursday extreme push day. I work better that way.

I've been putting some great effort also on my lunches to maybe skip the "formal" work outs and have been walking Fritzel. He isn't fat yet, but I see his body fat getting a little higher ;) More walks - his brain will be happier too.

What else? Last night Yoga was nutso. Been struggling to get back in my groove!!! Holy smokes, I could not get my heart rate down. All class long, my heart was pounding out of my chest. Goody. Making the heat in the room seem actually hot for once. I'm sorry - did I say that? Usually I love the heat. Yesterday, I was not so in the lovey dovey mood with the heat.

However, I had pre-prepped a faux sausage, mushroom, red pepper, and other veggie pizza and had it all set to go in the oven for after class. Had Jimmers preheat the oven halfway home - and I came home, threw my pizza in the oven (personal sized) and took a shower.

Jumped out of the shower and ran downstairs to a fresh, delicious pizza. Wholesome and tasty!
Tonight I must go back to Yoga and have a better class :P Or else.
Been doing many walks this week, where as last week I did a bunch of runs. That works. Like Monday when I took a 2 hour walk in the early afternoon - and then had another hour walk or so, with Jim and Fritz around midnight. Yes. I'm weird.

That was pleasant. Me and Jimmers visited and I really enjoyed it.
Other than that - lots of Yoga, and I need to hit those circuits. They are way too good for me to not do! But I am totally okay with whatever I do end up workin' on. I've only got so much time and energy, after all.

Just happy to be contenting my little tiny Dachshund. He is so well loved and spoiled.
Jim spoils him twice as much as I do. <3

angelak: (Attitude)
Okay, okay. Warning. This is a girlie type post. If you don't groove on that - feel free to skip it. But, let's face it. I'm female, people. Don't you forget it! Here goes:

Just livin' the good life.
I had taken 5 days off from yoga last week - and essentially not gone for what seemed like an entire week?
Was an odd sensation to go back. The Yoga itself felt normal. It seemed pretty easy to get back into the flow - minus a couple of light headed spells (not surprised).

It was more or less the showers/locker room afterward. I felt kind of emotionally off anyway after the class (probably knocked loose some energetic crud) and it seemed Mala and Michelle wanted to talk to me during my shower. I could barely stay present in my own mind let alone respond to these ladies. (This was also after a 10 minute Savasana. I probably should have waited another 5-10 minutes, hindsight tells me.)

Michelle is Grant's chica. Grant is a pal of mine. Grant has also asked me out. But for all intents and purposes, I have not gone through with anything mostly because his policy is, "Michelle knows I am single. That's why my facebook says single, doncha know?" It seems that Grant's "communication" is surrounded with evasive techniques, rather than full disclosure, which is what I pretty much require in a potential dating partner.

And while Michelle is very nice to me most of the time - she seems to have her bitch-dar on a small portion of the time (I can feel it). She sees me as a potential threat. Perhaps according to her reality, I am. I'm not touching that situation with an 80 foot pole. Well, today she seemed to come sauntering in to the showers, in her best "Look, I'm hot. I'm sexy. I'm the sexiest here," walk. I wasn't exactly feeling great physically yesterday. In fact, read: gut ache all day. I am not at all feeling hot. I'm not feeling sexy. I'm actually feeling, in the showers at that moment - a bit of the, "are my legs REALLY this thick compared to the rest of the female yoga population!??!??!" moment.

This is when Michelle asks in a regular tone, "so, did you just stop coming?"
And I was like, "What?" "or were you just picking different times lately?"

Look, people. I didn't go to class for 5 or 6 classes. I understand for a year and a half, I've been the 4-6 times a week girl. But goddamnit, sometimes life happens. Sometimes you just need a mental fucking break... right?!?


I shake my head for a second and go, "no, I was just busy last week."
Where in, Mala comes in. Mala is the sweetest woman ever, by the way. Somehow, at my studio people know me. I mean - they really like me. Most of them. I think it's because I'm nice, blahbalbhaab.
Sometimes this can backfire when your brain is toast.

I had been wanting to go to teacher training for a while. But, life may not have that in the plans for the immediate future. In fact, I don't really know. If I did - I would have to find a good solid 11k lying around, take a leave of absence at this point, and pay for bills for 9 weeks without income.

Seeing as I've had a lot of career "what the hell am I doing," ness going around since like, 2 years ago - and really only recently have I found some personal direction... I could barely get the words out, in the quietest tone I am sure anyone has ever heard come out of my mouth, "I don't know."

And I left the shower bay as quickly as I could without getting dizzy and falling over. Yes - it was that kind of moment. I wanted out, out, out - away from people, away from questions, away from tiny thighed twig women. Look - I know I'm pretty good lookin'. I'm not over the moon about how "hot," and "sexy," I am, but I know I'm not less than a 6 or 7. That's fine. But some days you just feel like a giant walrus. No matter what your actual size is. I think part of this is my period was approaching AND I was sick.

Suffice to say - I almost left my yoga clothes on the floor in the yoga room (would have pissed me off). But Michelle helped me not forget it. She was being her very nice self as usual. She is really nice most of the time. But there is miss-I-can-become-a-crazy-bitch lurking underneath that. I know people well enough to spot these sort of folks. They're regular people. Don't get me wrong...

Anyway. I also couldn't help but shake my head thinking, "Michelle has had 2 kids. How does she rate to look like that after physiological mutilation?" Okay, okay. Melodramatic, I know. Not everyone is going to become crazy stretched out and not drop their baby-fat.


Kids don't equate to ugly unsexy woman. Not remotely. Logic knows this. But my thigh envy side doesn't.
;) I also have to remember that I am probably 4-5 inches taller than most of these tiny yoga people. Whatever. IT was also Asian night at the studio. Asians tend to make me feel like a giant. My bone structure compared to these 5 foot tall, rail boards... is substantial. This is what makes me, me. Unbreakable.



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


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