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I'm going to talk about me for a second; which isn't my biggest objective always. I'm outgoing and gregarious - for the most part open. That said, something that gets overlooked is that often times I am also intensely private. I'll admit to a lot of vulnerability, that's part of how I suspect people come to trust me in the first place. That said, it leaves me in a place where I often witness others sharing things and I feel unable to do so. The last 2 months have been a little crazy for me. I'm afraid to talk about my endeavors; I don't want to boast, nor do I want to expose my possible dead end travels. For the last 11 months or so, I've been relatively unsatisfied with my job. Many of those months were officially temporary, but I'm pretty good at my job. That's the fact. I am good at helping people, I'm good at listening to people. I care about shit when things aren't going ideally for people. City government jobs have always been something that I said was where dreams go to die. It was my dream for the first 3-5 years, but as I dead ended in my career and stuck around in compacency (golden handcuffs) for another 8+ years, it became a shackle that was slowly killing me, even in an environment with a boss I truly respected and enjoyed working with. (CG). I entered a new job after leaving administration that was about to find a way to oust me anyway (after 12 years of honest and good performance). It was a good thing, while a risky thing, a good thing. Apparently I'm good at risks when every fiber of my being is telling me what to do.

I finally landed a second city job, in spite of my search for something private sector. On some level, I knew I'd land in the top candidates, but that is easy to say. Most of the time I do land in the top 3, the last two years of interviewing has taught me. Not bragging, just observing. And recently, the interviewers rightfully told me I was overqualified 3 out of 4 times. I am brave and not brave all at once. I kept looking for jobs that weren't the best next step for me.

Back to city job #2... I was happy because I needed employment. I was mildly disappointed because I didn't want another city job. I genuinely was happy to take a job to make it through my wedding period. This was a good thing. After 6-8 weeks, it became obvious the environment with it's unique personality and management structure was not at all as pleasant as my previous team. It was a daily drain.

I was converted to a full time non temporary employee but kept hunting. It's no longer about stability for me, in spite of the fact that it is apparently more "risky." I always preface that every move is a big deal for me. I see a toxic environment at work as a life threatening one, because I struggle with depression. I don't talk about that often. So when I evaluate overall "risk," - I assess what it does to my depression as much as I assess salary scale and other job details. Unfortunately for me it is not an option to go somewhere and put on a good face and go home and abandon the toxic impact. It follows me 24/7, and if I am not careful, erodes at my ability to be in a safe headspace. I knew this when I left Issaquah. And a few months into Kirkland, I knew that as well.

The fortune I have is that the rest of my life is really amazing. I have a great husband and a supportive boyfriend who is always present for emotional ups and downs. That said, my polyamory structure has slowly been shifting, and so too has my home life circumstances. These are things I worked hard to sort out over 24 months time. None of it was quick or simplistic. I take responsibility for these choices, however stressful they can be. One relationship is hard, two is hard, and so on.

That said, I was able to quit my toxic job after a rough 2 weeks of "maybe" on a promotional position at a private sector company last week. My last day at the place that has afforded me to connect with some of the best and worst coworkers I've ever met, this coming Friday will be my last day. (4/24/15)

I start my new job on 4/30/15. I feel that I have been anything other than entitled to this next advancement for my career. Since money is not the biggest object for me, I definitely don't make wild requests of the universe on that end.

I have put in 13 years of professional career work, not including the couple of years of vocational training in the subject - aside from that with this new opportunity, there was no part of my hiring process that was "handed" to me. I'm anxious, excited, stoked, nervous, happy, and beyond ready to learn and expand myself and offer the best service I know how to my new employer. I just hope I can rock it and be as awesome as they need. I am born of "Croston" lineage. That means anxiety and mental issues abound. We worry. We worry about worrying, and then we worry that we can't stop worrying about worrying. But my gut says this is going to be the start of a wonderful new chapter of my life. Dreams are not of government for ME. That does not mean it isn't for other people (priorities and energy and personality and a million other things play into what we need as individuals to shine, sparkle, and be.)

For me, all I can say is that I do not know where I would be today without the constant career advice and sound boarding every week from my wonderful, patient, caring, blessing of a husband. He has more experience in this field than most people because contracting means constant job shifting. He's done so much to keep me from falling off the edge these past 2 years. I hope all the stress I have endured has given me the ability to expand, learn from it, and exceed in my next steps.

To the people who matter to me at City of Kirkland, you too have made my everyday moments into something that were bearable. I am a very sensitive person. And I never forget a good or bad deed, and those kindnesses from my friends are not taken for granted.

-Angela

What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela
angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
It's been happening. It's the kind of week where every time I turn around, I'm missing, remembering, reminiscing about my friends, my experience, my life in Los Angeles, Teacher Training. Blown away it's over, and intensely full of nostalgia for my comrades – we've all faded into our regular lives and we are still a part of one another, but it is never going to be the same. It was a one shot show, once only. I miss so very much about the experience, it comes back in waves.

First I think about the classes. I miss waking up in the morning every day and preparing to hit the mat first thing, before anything else happened in my day. I miss standing around before class in the morning and the evening talking to my besties. I miss Bikram's classes more than I care to admit. I have never, ever, ever, laughed so hard in my life – all while still doing yoga. Who knew. OF course there will never be any other class like that. I miss twice a day yoga, every week. I miss the ease of getting the yoga in because NOTHING ELSE could get in the way. The jokes, the singing, the ridiculous songs. I also miss being sick of hearing the same stupid tired tune, but every time Bikram sang, I loved it. Maybe other people hated it – but I adored it. His energy from the podium was so great. I kept fighting my own feelings because I was in a sea of other people, but now I can look back and I know what I felt. Bikram is a soul that while everyone talks about him being a dick, I am endeared by.

I felt like I had to think he was an asshole because he said mean things too. But that's not how I felt. I didn't find him to be an asshole. I found him to be a master of shock value. That's it. People constantly take shit so seriously. Even me. More than Bikram being a dick to me, I took those ridiculous posture clinic teachers harder than I ever took Boss.

I even miss posture clinics, hours and hours of BS. I do not miss someone giving me crap for bathroom breaks or where I was going at any point in the day – that I certainly do NOT miss. I do NOT miss being told, that one day when my period went on for 2 days longer than normal, "why weren't you prepared enough to bring EXTRA tampons????" (To the person who said, I give you a FUCK YOU from here, right now, still. I was bleeding out of my crotch and very unhappy in that moment). I miss everyone whining and bitching about Mahabarat. I miss laughing and eating garbage food all night long. While I often felt estranged from even my own close knit group of friends, I often didn't realize I was more accepted than I thought. No one really knew me at times, but then sometimes there were moments where people did know me intimately in ways that others in my regular life didn't.

Do I miss being a snotty pile of shit in the last week because I allowed people in posture clinic to rob me of my peace and human dignity momentarily? No. Of course not. I hated that. I hated it more than anything. I felt like the only person who was a mess in those moments. Everyone could see it. There was no way to keep it from being exposed to tens of twenties of people all over. Was I snotty mess? Yes, Yes I was. Because I wasn't ready to accept that everyone is human, and no one gives a shit if you expose your weakness. I regularly do expose my weakness – but typically only in word form. Not in actual, raw expression. A lot of people followed my blog apparently while I was gone, and by the time the real juicy crap hit me, I was unable to take time to write. It's coming out now maybe.

I miss Karen and her cute, smiley self. She is a great lady, and I do know she's got a lot of wisdom. And sweet Tracy, who was often in my room when I came back during breaks from studying...

I miss Gui from Chile... I will never forget the day he asked me if I was having a good day in the hallway back to our rooms - 4th floor neighbors as it were, in the final week. When I in fact, was not having a good week. I tried to say I was okay, And then - I looked at him with his big heart and beautiful eyes, and just started bawling. He took me in his arms and held me and said a bunch of Spanish things and it didn't matter what he said. He squeezed me and it was all okay. His big heart was something that made everyone know and love him by the end of the 9 weeks.

Digression – the things I miss. The damn stairwells. I miss walking down Sepulveda, I miss the spanish speakers. I miss telling them things like, "I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. Hungry for penis..." In Spanish. The look on those faces. Seriously. And I miss Olga... I miss her natural charm and beauty and support. That girl knew I struggled with a sense of self confidence, I think she felt it more than others sometimes. Sniff. There aren't words for missing the people who held my thread of sanity at times. Shit, I had no idea! I also regret not having a chance to get to know more people, better. I could easily turn into a sniffly mess just thinking of these people in detail. Thomas, and yes Katty. But Katty and I have a different connection. And I can feel her proximity. I have more contact with her, so it burns less than say – Olga, Thomas, Gordon... and when we're not talking about my posse, all I can think of is Group 17 and the people who incidentally showed me more support than I think I've ever seen in my life regarding an academic endeavor. Renata, Karoline, Ula... Czech Republic, Germany, Florida... how the hell will I ever connect with these people that I feel shaped me so much, and gave me so much, every day, every week........ it gives me a giant lump in my throat, it makes my eyes water. These ladies... they accepted me and were always there for me, and when I fell apart – they never ever gave up on me. The emotions are so huge. Tangible, and I think they live and breathe on their own.

The group as a whole, screaming and clapping and cheering you on every day as we all stepped up to deliver the postures... when people ask me about TT, I have no way to put the emotions into words. They are so poignant – and most of the time, I've been avoiding them a little bit since I got home. Why would I want to think so deeply about the people I miss... I might actually cry because it's over, and there's no looking back. Actually, I've been so focused on my teaching, on being the best teacher I can be even though most new teachers have a long, maybe much lonelier journey ahead than was TT. I have my freedoms back, but the people... they're scattered all over the World and I miss them. I want to stamp my feet, fists balled up, and scream. I miss my people! Miss them so much! It makes me feel so lonely I don't know I've ever felt like this in my entire life... you know when you miss one person you're in love with intensely, like your lover or your primary life partner? It kind of feels like this, except with 20 people simultaneously.

It's a sense of longing I feel like will never really quite ease up, after all. I have a billion places on the map now that I have an urgency towards seeing, but no vacation time left, and a bunch of financial things to sort out for myself. (I'm still solid, it's going quite well, but I have to recover from that investment). And now I see why people say it is the best money they ever spent.

And now I find myself so qualified. People ask me about yoga everywhere. And I have a million things to say, it all comes out without me even thinking about it. People with their fucked up bodies everywhere....... I want them to come in. I want them to start a yoga practice, because I know. I * know * beyond a shadow of doubt that it would help ease their problem. And yet I can't even get the point across. No... I can't. It's something people have to figure out on their own and want to heal on their own. I can say 100 things and that person who scoliosis will talk about the other yoga they tried and how it made their shit worse. Well, that's because you were doing some weird yoga combined with pilates and this and that. It was not designed as a healing routine, but a fitness routine. The difference is night and day. Your hips are screwed up? You can fix this. I swear.

Most people lack the all out commitment to heal themselves, though. I hate to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. That's the truth. You'd rather try and give a half assed shot at health and do it the lazy way, instead of the hard way. I see it every day.

And Reina reminded me of how she urged me to try yoga for 2 years, and one day I went on my own without her knowing... I told Reina for a year, “no, Reina. I'm a runner. I don't do that pansy ass yoga crap.” Now she is witnessing me – today, and I'm a teacher.

Sorry, Reina. You knew what you were talking about.

There are more things I miss... of course, sure – California. But not really nearly as much as I miss the yoga bubble. And the people. I'm a people lover, and once I make some connections, well. What can I say? I really fall for people. And not just my lovers. My friends are so, so important to me too. And to the people still supporting me (Katty) while I walk the rough path of new teaching. Well, you mean more to me than you know. And so too, do those people who kept me strong through out Fall 2011 TT.

And as Bikram would say in class ....
"Are you ready? YES OR NO?!"
This time, not for a posture, but... For life on the outside?

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
2012 BREAKOUT!

Focus for 2012
(I don't exactly do resolutions, per se, but I do have focuses.)


Serve my communities – focal point = Service

Yoga/OTO/Pagan communities, serve them (How? Be present. Give whenever possible in time/service.)

Leave Self doubt behind

Serve in the Mass team beyond the child role:
(First Deacon, then Priestess - eventually, in the future...)

Replace carpets downstairs in 874

Create a tidy home that is nearly always acceptable for impromptu guests

Become a strong and valued Bikram Yoga Teacher

Develop my Yoga Teaching

Digest and Teach verbatim Bikram Dialogue

Improve physical and emotional bodies

Reach the low 140lbs range solid

Lean out body the rest of the way

Shrink the hips/upper thighs

Return to Teacher Training as a mentor (not a DE-mentor).

Travel to see teacher training friends and take their classes!

Maintain a strong Yoga practice

Maintain a moderate running and circuit training schedule

Continually build strong relationships with my sweeties

Stay close with Jim

More personal focus from self to community service

Rite of Sol Involvement

Search for a late 90's Mitsubishi Eclipse for personal material items list
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
Good Morning, folks!

Been another whirlwind of a day in 2010. Loving every minute of this year so far. Last weekend was by far one of the most fun weekends I've had in months. I took the Unarmed self defense course from Insights. 2 day course, from 8AM-6PM.

This is where I heard my heart say, "learning is breath for the soul." Learned some great stuff and actively practiced all weekend long. The end of the course was highlighted by the Ex-Special Ops Army Ranger dude attacked each of us while we stood in the middle of the 14 person class room with our eyes closed. He attacked us until we effectively "knocked him out/off us good enough for us to run away."

He did this the first time 2-5 times, depending on your level of ability. (Me 5 times :P)
I, as usual, volunteered to go first. :D I'm a dork like that. I love to go first.
Scary, scary waiting for him to lunge at you from god-knows-what angle! I froze up more my first time around with this, I find where a lot of women will screamscreamscream and try and run, my condition is to freeze up and forget wtf to do. Fortunately I figured it out; Greg was not letting up until we threw a strike that would stun him if he wasn't wearing his full body padding.

Unfortunately the guy after my second turn (he decided to go back through the group one more time - I did MUCH better time #2, because I realized what my weakness was) accidentally fell wrong on Greg's leg! The guy who was being attacked was an EMT, so he immediately was able to say, "yep, Greg. It's broken."

Greg, founder of the training facility - had taught 20 years of classes and this was his first injury on the job :P

Regardless, it was a very action filled class with lots of important and usable take away. Although very spendy for the course, I give it a 5 star rating. I would do it again, and hope to take it again sometime when I have another spare $275.

There are many other courses, and I drool over them all. It was 1 instructor and 4-5 coaches in the room at any given time to help give pointers as they observed us practicing against each other.
I will tell you right now - it was way harder to be the "bad guy," while students practiced against you. "CHOKE ME OUT!!!!!" "PUNCH ME IN THE FACE" were things you could hear non stop in the class.

We practiced ground fighting, defense against chokes, bear hugs, kicks, holds. All sorts of handy stuff. Pre-emptive strikes!

Oh, man. This stuff was right up my ally. The best part is that now I have the real balls behind my already intensely keen observance skills. If someone attacks me, I am confident they will be the ones leaving with a broken face, and not me.

:)

They have a great handgun course, that I really wish I could take. I know I'd leave a weekend of shooting a much, much better shooter. They are also partnering with West Coast Armory's new shooting range soon. West Coast Armory is my favorite weapons shop.

:D IT's right here in Issaquah and I run by it all the time!!! Feeling the urge to save up to buy a nice sidearm for myself, with the knowledge that I can only carry so often... seeing as I wear clothes that are too tight to conceal easily unless I've got a baggy hoodie. Hmmm. I also am interested in their "knife fighting" class, that's something I feel like would be handy right now as a protective device that I could utilize right now without any training beyond: "STRIKE TO THE NECK" which is already a piece of knowledge I have as it is. Strike to the neck with a knife, that works. Anyone want to get in the way of a knife laced power punch???

Hm.

Anyway, the rest of the week was spent being sore from being thrown around for 2 days straight.
I have lots more stories from the class, but right now my work list is like a mile long...

I just feel like a breeze of positive, powerful energy has been blowing through my life. As Mercury and Mars goes direct, I feel like it can only get better. As far as my weight loss goals, week #1 of officially weighing weekly; I've lost 3lbs - after plateauing for effectively 3-4 months. Here goes, world! Consistency is my priority.

Here's to continued progress.

-Angela
angelak: (Attitude)
Happy Solstice.



I realize it was yesterday, but honestly. I was not at my keyboard.

Welcome winter and the return of light.
The sun begins waxing and so does our lives.
As always, I begin making goals and pathways for my future on Solstice night.


May your pathways to the future and your goals take you where you need to go in 2007 as the sun grows brighter and your potential explodes like a vibrant star itself.


"Every man and every woman is a star."

Motivational. )

Anyhow. Mom is online and I am chatting with her so my useless dribble comes to a temporary end.

-Angela

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