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angelak: (Sad)
Okay.
Today is lame.
They hurt pretty badly today.
I have no real explanation for why. They weren't great yesterday, but they weren't like this either.
I'm having another episode of extreme unsettled, hopelessness.
I'd elaborate but I have so little left in me tonight.
Jim tries to reassure me. I would give anything to believe that this was going to go away.
I had 5 days off of work and it seemed to improve.
Back to the routine plus maybe my workouts?
I'm not sure, I can't pinpoint this.
Jim's suggestion is to not work out at all for a week.
No Yoga, nothing. No CT. Obviously no running.
I feel very crushed.
I don't want to do that. :(

And then more friend drama, my boss asking me to do moves that endanger my knees... I feel like my world is caving in on me. I have so little left in me tonight. I skipped Yoga tonight.
He thinks if I try not doing ANYTHING, even though the doc had no problem with the things that I've been working on. NO Bikram, no nothing.

I don't know how to react to all this. I don't think it will help. I think I have tried this in the past to be honest. I feel so angry. So angry. Angry beyond words that I can't get past this.
This makes me really not like life. I'm sorry - but that's the truth.
:(

People deal with tons worse, but this IS what I am dealing with.
I have no one or nothing tonight.
He had to go to work.
Fuck it all.
I hate everything :(
And to Kelsi who said I should call Mel because she is not happy... she then tells me she doesn't want to be a middleman. Right? So why'd you tell me to try and talk to Mel? Because this might ruin YOUR party in a week and a half? I'm a mess and don't care about anyone right now. I just want to fade away.

-Angela

Logic

Feb. 22nd, 2009 10:18 pm
angelak: (I don't need nice)
No matter how much I logically tell myself about all of my blessings, I still feel like I'm emotionally a pile of crap. That is annoying.

-Angela
angelak: (Water Girl)
I was always that girl that didn't have these sort of problems.
I missed class today. Somewhere around 1500 today, it all fell apart. We were laying around and I felt really physically shitty for just laying around and doing nothing but watch him play Fallout 3. (A video game).

And suddenly I thought maybe I should take the 6:30 class - and catch some food.
My mood was falling fast.
He saw me get up and asked to go with me. For some reason this annoyed me.
I left thinking I'd get food alone. Instead I passed the fast food joint (desperate and there's no food in our house atm).

And found myself bawling behind the wheel.
Let's pull over. Good idea.
And then I was a mess for the rest of the night.
No 4:30, no 6:30.
Finally he insisted I eat at around 7.

I ate and humored him and because we were out - decided to let it go for an hour or two.
Came home. It all came back. He didn't want to go to work with me being a mess.
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Like I've tried and tried and tried and am still walking around injured. Like the docs tell me all the same thing, like going back is a fruitless endeavor.
He says I should call my mom. I can't talk on phones.
I feel like the bulk of my "knows me well" friends, now don't even call me.
And now I don't answer their calls if they do.

I am afraid to lose my Yoga practice, but I'm really getting to be in a depressed rut. I can't go to class while I'm crying.

He says this cannot last forever. Or maybe it will.
He doubts it.
He has a thousand thoughts, but my reactions aren't logical. Anything but logical. If I were logical I wouldn't be depressed.

It gets so old, trying.
I am at a loss.
I am lost and don't know where to go next.
I know being depressed isn't going to help me heal faster. But I feel like it's so hard to fight and my fight is dying...

-Angela
angelak: (Sad)
It would seem I hit a mental wall about 10 days ago.
And then I began thinking my healing was doing much better.
And tonight I had a minor depressive episode.
Well shit. This is confusing.
The last fortnight has been a bit of an emotional tossup.
Trying hard not to let it all go to shit.
Finding it a struggle to stay happy.

Shoot, shoot.
My Yoga practice has been strange.
Okay, I can accept that.
I didn't go tonight - I slept through it.
Jim's observation is that whenever I sleep TOO much, my body is more likely to go into the depressive state. He says it's like it gets angry that I slept TOO much.
I've never heard of anything like this. I think my depression and sleep and diet are all related. (Okay, duh). But I am not too sure that the sleep is just a bi-product of feeling really lousy.
Let's face it - when you're really bummed, it's easier to escape through sleep.

Today I felt like I was avoiding class because it has been such a misery for me. Instead of the usual (mostly) joy. What the fuck?
Reading my last 10-days entries has me thinking my brain and heart are all over the board.
Shit, shit, shit.

Must stay patient. Jim thinks the Yoga has done nothing but good for me, I tend to agree.
We have had our most stable months in our relationship during the Yoga-months. Really.
We've been happiest and most harmonious. I'm not a fool to think it isn't related. It is. And of the two of us, I'm the trouble-maker in the relationship. You know - the moody one.

He is slightly more flexible than me sometimes. But I come close.
Regardless. Instead of being pissy, I've been able to stay calm and collected even when he irritates me. Bonus.

Now if I can only keep myself from skipping classes. Granted, maybe it's okay to take it easy this week. My head and heart are all over the board, after all. It's harder work when life is throwing me all kinds of emo-sludge.

Nothing felt cope-able tonight.
Perhaps next week will show me a little more kindness.
Jim's observation is that the emotional side of this knee trauma is far worse on me than the actual pain. He is often times correct.
The more time I spend with Jim as an integral part of my daily life, the more I find he is just what I need.

On a less angsty note; he is positive, intelligent, hilarious, adorable, kind-hearted, genuine, and at times sensual. Don't take this wrong, but of all of those things, I think sex is my lowest priority. It's not that it's not important to me. It's that sex is fleeting. And all the rest are things I need more frequently.

Sex is often superb, although occasionally I find him a tiny bit more vanilla than me. *shrugs* I'm okay with that - obviously.

The things that are more important:
He makes me laugh all the time.
And being around someone who smiles so much is really refreshing for the soul.

So, while I'm sad right now - I also realize the bounty of my fortune in life.
I have a home that I've worked hard for and love. It's our own. We've made it our own. I accept that clothes on the floor in the bedroom is not the end of the world.

I have 2 dogs that adore me and 1 waiting to become a love-source like the others.
They annoy me to no end, and yet they're so rewarding and know just when I'm at my lowest.
And then they decide to treat me accordingly, by acting as adorable as they know how.

I own a car that I really like.

More than that - I have a really solid family, and friends out there who would probably be there for me more if they knew how, or I made that more possible.

We both have jobs.
We both make enough money to make ends meet and have enough.
Our partnership is laden with straight forward, no-games or passive aggressive communication.
I love that he is a communicator. I love that Jim feels happiest dealing with problems immediately. It is he who makes me realize how long I hold onto crap sometimes before I let loose with it.

I am thankful his perspective on life is so real and so positive.
"Every day someone isn't shooting at me is a good day."
Who can argue with that?
And, once a soldier, always a soldier.

I am thankful that although I may be up 5lbs or so, I haven't gained back the weight I lost in 2007. This IS a feat, considering my 2008 situation.
Right now I appreciate my small waist, and try and ignore my hippy-ness. (As in hips).

I accept that for the most part, I'm not so bad looking. I clean up okay ;)
I am also thankful I changed my lifestyle in 2007.
I will try to remember these things as the knees scream at my soul.
They are not all consuming giant knees of doom.
They shouldn't take over my whole heart.

I am also thankful for my dishwasher. I lived years without one. I love dishwashers. I love not hand washing my dishes. I love how clean and shiny my dishes get in a dishwasher, when by hand I could never get them to be this way.

I love my silent, but present supporters.
And I appreciate my community and everything they've added to my life.
Yes, you pagans.
I adore you all.

Now, I'm really going to let go of this fear and go to Yoga class tomorrow with no judgments on myself. No judgments, no expectations. That will be my mantra. No worries that I skipped class THREE times now in one week. Wow, that is definitely a new record. So what, though.

I will be there in class tomorrow. Ready or not.
One thing I do not take for granted today, is my connection to the kindest man I've known.

-Angela
angelak: (Alone)
Not sure what brought on the sudden mental relapse, but I'm having it. I'm thinking delving into intensive healthy foods, and Yoga and I might be able to come out of it. I'm trying really hard not to bury my head in the sand and pretend like it will just fade on its own.

I think I have to make some serious efforts not to let this take me down. It has been quite some time since I felt this kind of cynicism on all the situations that are my life. Maybe I felt like I wasn't in the place I want to be in forever, maybe I understood that some things frustrated me, but I was able to move on. Right now I just feel like those coping mechanisms are sort of elsewhere. I would sincerely like I pull out of this mental slump without much ado.

I have been doing a pretty excellent job of re-focusing my energies until about... February 5th.
Then I felt all wonky and emotional. February 5th also marked my 60 days with Bikram. My knees ARE tons better. Now if only I can learn to keep on waiting. Everything in my fiber has been noticing the minute details that are my running withdrawals.

The sunshine really brings it out. The urge. Watching all those other runner's toil down the pavement and know that I wish so much it could be me. I'd say it's no big deal, but every time I have to stop it's a big deal. I spent 2 years working up slowly, and it chafes at me that the last year I have had to do just what I had trained myself not to want to do for so long. But it's all connected. Weight, body image, mental happiness, achievements, progression... running, not running. Depression. I should stop fighting my body, stop fighting with myself, enjoy the time off, enjoy the lack of accountability for not having to get out and hit pavement.

What is it that I am missing from it? What can I not get from Yoga that I get from running?
Maybe it's the idea that I can just walk out my front door and pound out some miles. I'm a mover. I like to move. Yoga is a stand-still. It reminds me of my life. Standing still. Working so hard and standing still. I know I'm getting huge benefits, but sometimes it's not enough to always stand still.

My heart is pounding, blood is pumping, I'm using all my muscles. But it's not the way I want it. I want it all out in those elements. I miss running in the dead of the winter. I miss the rain, I miss the cold, I miss feeling it on my skin, I miss the pavement shining with late winter sunshine warming me just enough. I miss the wind making me curse. I miss the water running in my face. I miss the music, the push, the drive, the sweat that mixes with the water. I miss 5AM, I miss silence. I miss my blood pumping, my breath bellowing. I miss zoning out but feeling spent, and then pushing some more.

I miss just going out and not being afraid to give it all I had.
I miss experimenting, going up hills and feeling that conquering feeling of defeating the incline. I miss feeling like I pushed too hard and now I wanted to puke. I miss the speedwork I hated.
Run as fast as you can, fight with yourself over whether or not you were fast. Mental back and forth back and forth.

I miss my dreams and feeling like all I had to do was reach out and chase them with my legs and my arms and my heart.

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
I cut my hair last week. That was silly wasn't it? I don't really like my hair shorter. But Jim mentioned he liked it how I had one haircut once. But they never do cut your hair the same way twice. Now I look at it and I'm like "bleh."

Too late now. I'll deal with it.
It's only hair.

This weekend the wheels fell off of my inspiration. I'm not sure what happened. I sort of hit a depressive funk.
I was wondering if it wasn't people asking me about the things that are very much me when I'm not injured.
It reminded me and made me feel like some sort of poser. (haha, poser, get it - Yoga) nevermind.

So jeah. Koe was curious about what I like about running and how I got started.
Heronguy told A I work out a lot. (In so many words). He said the word "hike," and suddenly I was reminded of all the months of hiking outdoors that I've been held back from and it was a bittersweet moment. I'm improving but it somehow caused me to think of my last hike, how happy I was.

How ridiculous it is that I can't do the workouts I want to. Or I'm afraid to. And then starts the downward spiral. I was given on some level to think about it more. I know, that's silly. People saying good things should not upset me. I guess there's just a lot of mental anguish that I forget I am carrying from this whole thing. Am I ridiculous to constantly mourn for what I once was?
Stupid 24 year old... I like tough work outs. I like pushing myself. And although most days I like Yoga, some days I don't. But I'm doing it because I want to heal so badly.
I don't know what to do with myself and my mentality. I know kind folks like Sterling have made suggestions. I need to go back and re read what they were and get a grip on myself. It's all a choice, all this. But sometimes that depressive force just beats me into the ground until I can barely breathe. And everything happy I see around me makes me want to cry even more. Somehow Jim finds a way to cope with me, and the dogs are always great. I do love my home. Nothing about that upsets me. But sometimes I find it is all inside me, and I carry that with me, no matter where I am.

"If What You Seek You Find Not Within You will Never Find it Without."

I skipped Gnostic Mass for Yoga. And then I skipped Yoga the next day. *shakes head*
Random. I don't think I can keep up with the fees for national dues in OTO anyway. Because I'm rolling in it (not really). Joy.

-Angela
angelak: (Default)
Maybe R2R 6 will help me. (on lunch hour)
Not be so blah.
But sometimes it feels good to cry and run.
Although it fucks with the breathing technique.
My boss keeps repeating himself. OVer and over. I suck.

-Angela

Sigh

Aug. 7th, 2008 09:58 am
angelak: (Sad)
My sleep was interrupted at 3AM. Rufus, pooping in my bedroom. For the record, this is not the norm.

I couldn't get back to sleep.
Maybe this is the reason for the emotional tailspin at the moment.

I just feel really, really low.
I am analyzing and feeling things more amplified.
I just don't have a lot of yippee today.
Ever just feel like you are under appreciated where you work?
You've been there so long, and yet you had more respect when you walked in the door?
Maybe it was because I was 17 and I got the respect a 17 year old deserved.
And now I'm going to be 24 and I have the respect a 17 year old deserves.

Or maybe I suck that much more at my job after this long.
Or maybe I just suck.
My work morale has gone straight down the shitter in the last year.
This injury pretty much makes work frustrating for me too.
He is bugging me about new machine deployment again; but my tendency is to avoid it some days (my knee feels great today, why push it?) also in the last 2 weeks we had a long ass list of PC help requests. It's back down to a reasonable number.
I worked my ass off in the last 2 weeks. And the appreciation I get is, "we need to get out more machines."
Every machine I upgrade seems to worry me regarding my physical healing. How do I get around this.
The last 5-6 years, there were always 2 of us deploying. This year there is just me. And I used to do tons per day. Now 1 per day is as much as I can manage thinks to the good ole injury.
I want to scream and scream.Or cry. or both.

-Angela
angelak: (Trapped)
5AM - got up.
Went on the E machine for an hour.
The PT advised against running at all yet.
Feeling a bit crappy this morning, but that is ok.
Jim didn't go to bed with me. Gamed until 3:30AM.
I was upset and couldn't sleep until 4:30. Got up at 5.
Lack of sleep, and lots of stuff that annoys in life sort of makes me insane.

But if I had to give up one thing, I'd give up sleep over work outs.
:(
This "I have a new game" excuse is making me crazy. I asked if we could watch "Dead like Me," at 9 or 10, and he didn't want to. *sigh* It's been a strange morning.

I think there's a pattern here. When he goes to bed at weird hours, and my sleep somehow gets interrupted when he goes to bed... the following morning I become really irritable and miserable. But at least I am proving to myself that I still have workout resolve. *sighs* Even if my food intake is sub-par.

-Angela
angelak: (Lonely)
Well. It would appear I'm the first to arrive in this class. Well, even on Netdesk for this floor regarding students. Normally I'm rushing in at the last minute??

The lady has no idea I've taken like 8,000 of these classes and was explaining them ever so diligently to me. Well, thank you. Meh. She was just being the fakey nice person.
None the less. After coffee and a pastry, I do feel better. Might have been some blood sugar imbalance. At least this class has windows, and because I'm the first one in, I have had the first choice of seats. I have chosen the second row next to the window in order to obtain a good view. I need to write or I feel like I'm going to explode. I was just feeling pretty low.

Well, there walks in the instructor. I had him last time for Vista...

Well, feeling a little less crabby after that snack.
Maybe I just needed some fuel in my system, and to let go of my entire evening last night.
I don't know. I'm in that "fatalistic" mindset I've been known to get into.
*Lets one go*

I guess it started when Tim saw me outside, I whined about the community center - and he said "Well there are plenty of stairs and you could always walk all the way down to the watefront as a workout..." And that is exactly what I Love to do on my lunches when I come down here. Except it's not good for knees and that is exactly what I wrote about NOT doing earlier. But you know, when you have an injury like mine - people incessantly forget those are the things you SHOULDN'T do. I know, well intended, but I drove off feeling helpless against the fact that my limitations were being thrust in my face - yet again. And believe you me, I'd love nothing more than to be my normal self. And I'd do that walk as a relaxation, not a work out. So there you have it. Not even that. But I am hoping to hit the E machine later today anyway.

Oh. And I hope these people don't mind me. I'm carving up the pastries by cutting them in half instead of taking the full portion. HAH Hah. Hah. With a knife.
And I resisted the tempation this morning to buy sugar-milk-coffee. (Drip, drip, it is for me.) I used to have pastries, sugar-milk-coffee, AND a horrid lunch back in the day. So maybe in spite of how decadent I feel about my more sugary breakfast than normal... I am still doing OK. Or whatever. Every other day they serve pastries (Cookies, Donuts, Muffins) or Bagels and cream cheese. Both I like, both are more fuel than my body actually needs. Or really not the healthiest. Oh well. It has taken me out of my "I want to maim myself" headspace.

-Angela
angelak: (I don't need nice)
That's ghey.
I got up at 5AM to use the community center; doing the one thing lately that's been pretty kickass (new found) since my knee injury: The E machine (elliptical.) I walk over with my new gym backpack and my running skirt/bra top in the brisk morning air, and what is taped on the door written in Sharpie???

"CLOSED DUE TO WATER SHUT OFF."

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! I'm sorry, after really not settling into a good sleep - I found myself nearly there at right before 5 when the alarm went off. I almost rolled over to go back to sleep. And then I was like... just an hour on the e machine. And then I'd have worked out for the day before I even drive downtown for my class today. It would keep me from being tempted at walking around downtown in Seattle (which I love to do) and straining myself.

I could not feel as bad about eating random shit around the house last night (ok, cereal) after eating my meager dinner in boredom. Because let's face it. I'm pissy and bored with life.
And I was even going to treat myself to Starbucks if I hauled my ass out of bed and used that little machine. Now, I could circuit train, but honestly. at 5AM, I'd rather whine, or mindlessly push forwards on the E machine. Intensity for me early just is harder to conjure up. Always has been.

This girl is woefully sullen. This is not fair.

And now I'm awake. Tried to set up Jim's old machine at my work station area but it seems to not want to display video. Or do anything. And I'm too damn lazy to mess with it until later. I'm sorry - but Issaquah Community Center sucks so fucking much.
If I had DRIVEN down here from my house rather than walked, I'd be even more pissed. And worse yet - if I PAID for a membership.
Facilities is probably behind this. 'Nuff said. Is it me or does it seem that whenever I WANT to use the CC, it's closed for some arbitrary reason? Mother fucker. I was all ready to burn off some extra cals. After all, last night I wasn't exactly in a Hey Ho I'm so happy mood. Ugh.

Seems Jim doesn't believe in going to bed with me. I go in to him at his desk at 3AM and he is still gaming. We haven't watched "Dead Like Me," on DVD the last 2 nights he said he would. I'm so bored I sort of just go to bed at 9 because there is "nothing else to do." Somehow sleeping through my home life makes it easier to cope with when there's nothing warm for me here. Course, we all know how my trip to the CC went. And the fact that I decided to stop trying to use my AC because Jim keeps turning it off. So my room got super hot during the night. Who cares - right? Who fucking cares. I'm still mad at Jim, but what else can I do?

And I guess I can give the elliptical a shot later today at Mom's in her place. But somehow doing it early and getting it "OVER" with and being super cool was going to boost my mood. I hate things. :(

-Angela

Hot/Cold

Apr. 2nd, 2008 12:21 pm
angelak: (Alone)
It has been a good day predominantly, except... until a co worker came up to me and said "I needed to stop losing weight. I'd done great but I really needed to stop losing weight."

I found it pretty offensive. Now, with the current state of affairs, I've been off kilter a bit anyway. I tried to evade and say I've been maintaining, because I have - but it doesn't stop the fact that it makes me uncomfortable for people to do and say things about my weight in the work place at all.

It's not like anyone would dream of a girl gaining weight and say to her, "you really need to stop gaining weight. You do. Stop."

I mean, it's the same thing isn't it?
So, then came later, the emotional roller coaster that is this week.
I just felt angry and then I wanted to cry. This is so not me.
Cry over some woman telling me I needed to stop losing weight? Furthermore, this week I gained 5-8lbs according to my water-weight scale.
WTF. Leave me alone, stop bothering me about MY body. MY body. I'm healthy, happy, and lean. And yes, some of the clothes I have bought now shows off a new body that I spent a long time hiding under old clothes with.

I am still angry - off kilter. My boss blabbing about the new people coming on. They're all above me. They hire above and I don't advance. It's upsetting. 6 years of service here and I am still the kid. I know that.

I hate it. I want to cry even more. I want to scream. I want to shout and hit people, but instead I will sit here and install 8 versions of AutoCAD on this engineer's computer. Because they obviously NEED 8 versions.

And the person I hate most is in the office today. Joy.
Wandering around taking care of the re-orged part of my job that I used to love most.

This has GOT to be hormonal. I mean, some of these issues are real, but usually I just let it go.

-Angela

Blah

Dec. 9th, 2007 11:04 pm
angelak: (You've got me all wrong - girl)
I guess it's just been a bit of a low keyed emotional day.
I'm not sure what else to say...
Like no matter what I do I'm bound to do, say, think, feel, or be wrong.
I can't be myself this weekend.

I just don't know. I realize my friends are a bit further from me lately, but as usual when I get this way, I feel handicapped from reaching out. I get irritated easier and I no longer have a personal bubble to retreat to. I can't sit at home by myself listening to loud music and drinking wine anymore. Wine isn't even attractive like it once was anyway.

But I can't just be. Alone time and self indulgence seemed to really help me when I lived alone. Wait. Does that even make sense? What do I do with myself now when I feel this kind of melancholy? Maybe I really did enjoy that emptiness in my house. The every day grind of coming home to no one. I miss it.

I didn't think I'd be saying this. And the more and more people comment (those who know me, those who don't) about my aggressive, strong nature, the less and less enthusiastic I get to open up to anyone.

I can't talk all the time. I can't understand my feelings all the time. And sometimes I just don't want to talk, especially when it feels like I am all talked out. There's no sense in it, there's not going to BE any sense in it.
And why can't I use my Scottish blood to explain a certain amount of stubbornness? I just feel angry. Angry that I have to share my life with someone, and angry that my friends don't want to spend time with me, and angry that people are angry at me for not talking to them.

I'm angry that my dog is going to die someday. I'm angry that it costs money to deal with right now. Angry that I cannot just hide away from 100% of everyone. I'm not saying I don't like living with somebody, I just feel really cramped and like my Independence is gone. Like I don't know what's good for me, what I want, and how to ask for it sometimes. And sometimes I like it that way.

I'm tired of people and their jokes. I don't care if they were aimed at someone else. I don't want to hear all of it.
Right now I just feel excessively melancholy. There's no one to talk to about it. Jim wants to talk but every conversation we get into revolves around negotiating and justifying and explaining. No matter what I say or do it will become public. He is as bad as me about sharing himself. That is fine, except today I just want to be and not worry about what that is. I can't, I just can't. I wanted to cry this morning because Jon was such an ass about things. And now I want to cry again. I just feel like crap.

I'm flawed, and I know that. Just like everyone else. But mine are obvious and I don't hide them. Everyone else is hiding behind their veil of so called perfection. Well I hate you all.

I am tired of searching for the "why," or the "what" behind every moment of emotion. I'm exhausted of it. EXHAUSTED of talking about it.

So, I have a temper. I get annoyed and I make sure people around me know I'm annoyed. Cry me a fucking river and leave me alone if you don't like it! I am who I am. When I say that they get mad. Nothing annoys me more than someone trying to say I'm doing that so I don't have to change. Whatever.

I was going to get a tree tomorrow. But somehow I just feel... bah-humbugged. Like... I was looking forward to a real tree but the discussion has come up so many times I just want to skip it. THere's a good possibility I will skip it. Who needs a tree anyway? I haven't had one for the past couple of years. Why start now? Who needs tradition crap anyway. I'd rather just hide under another self-imposed rock. Because I'm really good at that.

I miss my quiet house and my music any time I want and my space to be myself and not have anyone say anything about what that was. I had no idea what I had. And now it's gone. And where are the people who give a shit? Other than my mom, I feel like lately everyone else is out of reach. This is the single most contradicting, emotional post I have made for the year, perhaps.

-Angela
angelak: (Can't Run from Problems)
And then we had a team meeting.

Blarg.

-Angela

Funk

Aug. 22nd, 2007 08:38 pm
angelak: (Default)
I am in a funk.
I feel like I should get out of it, but that feels impossible.
Blargity.

I think I will go eat and not care what it is.
Cause I'm poopyfaced.
*sigh* And then maybe a run is in order. Because ja.
P.S. - I hate the phone when I'm in a bad mood.

-Angela

Bluh

Aug. 22nd, 2007 04:57 pm
angelak: (Lonely)
Was having a relatively good day...
And now... I just feel moody.

Might have something to do with the erratic yeast infection that I now seem to have.
*sigh*
Perhaps the cancellation of the visit from the man tonight - at the last minute contributed.

Ugh. Don't tell me you're going to come over and cancel.
And no, I don't want to talk anymore. Or even talk about not wanting to talk.
A friend also suggested running with a yeast infection is bad. (Heat + Moisture = breeding grounds for more yeasties.) Now I'm even more bummed.

*Insert violent moodiness here*
BLuh.

-Angela

Lonely

Jun. 3rd, 2007 10:35 pm
angelak: (Alone)
Eh – Lonely.

No, I don't feel like incessant chatter from net friends. Or phone calling anyone. I just want to feel needed. Wanted, AND Needed. I think that is never going to happen.

So isn't there supposed to be a medium point between needy and independent?

Life is changing again – okay, the only constant in life IS change.

Am I going down the right path? Maybe I just really wanted it to be the right path and now I'm doing what I've done every other time. And that's allowing me to be misguided.

I'm lonely on a Sunday night.
I already went for my day hike, watched a 2 hour movie, visited with family, and window shopped. Totally forgot about an engagement I'd been expecting for a month through some retarded grace of absent-minded-ness...

I really despise parts of what I feel like is happening right now.

I could just be the usual dramatic emoter. Sometimes when things are a drag I am best at being an extremist.

-Angela
angelak: (Roses)
It’s a day that hasn’t been really that great today.
I got plenty of work done – although I felt wholly grumpy regarding my annoying co worker. I had a short temper with it.

New guy seems non-descript enough. At the moment annoying-coworker is monopolizing him and broadcasting some form of “I know all this stuff look at how cool I am.”

Whatever.

I just felt things started off entirely wrong.
This afternoon Jim called to inform me he wasn’t going to come over. He didn’t have an answer one way or the other. I’m supposed to have my plans in order ahead of time like 3 days, and yet when I ask for an answer about tonight, it’s some huge fucking deal.

Okay, maybe he hasn’t said any of that, but I just feel off the hook about this.
I’m just really low about stuff right now.
Like. Tired of driving miles and miles to see everyone.
I make phone calls to say hi to people.
I drive out to see people.
I ask how people are or comment in their journal.

Why do I have to do all this and feel virtually nilch in return?
Sure I guess cry a river about it. But honestly.
I drive out to many friends’ dwellings.
And the fact that Jimmy lives in Tacoma wears on me on top of everyone else.

I am done! Done being the girl that makes all the effort. I basically got really moody about all this with Jim on the phone today. I called him back after just getting altogether depressed about the situation.

It is me me me. It is me being needy, me wanting to make the effort.
On his side of the phone call he still feels like he makes plenty effort.

I know he has all this crap going on. Work, school, army. And then me. And then he wants his game time.

Well. Fit me in or don’t. Same with all you best friends who could give shit about me.
(Kelsi and Mel.)

Fit me in or don’t.
I’m tired. So tired of it.

And Jim thinks this is just about today.

-Angela
angelak: (Fuck Off)
Thankful Thursday:

+ Music
+ Time off
+ Rufus and Fritz
+ Jim
+ My lawn is short
+ Food
+ Maintaining 160
+ Mood stabilizing (I swear to gods earlier I wanted to scream at a few people)
+ My pretty phone t509…
+ Slow walks through the woods
+ Hiking
+ Jogging. Running. Whatever.
+ Not being fat
+ Jewelry
+ No one is shooting at me
+ I have all my limbs and digits and a fully functional brain. Even if I’m pissy today.
+ My job – even if I totally am starting to hate being here. How did it get like this?
+ The delicate line of depression and contentment today .. wait, am I thankful for that?
+ I’m not a violent person. Or people would be hurt today.
+ The sweetest voice message ever from the Specialist.
+ Kenworthy.
+ I may switch up my monotony tonight.
+ Sunshine
+ Walking the boys on lunch - (trying to clear my head)
+ My boss is coming back next week. I miss the balance he gives our dept.
+ I have a few years experience. Maybe not enough yet, but someday… maybe I can be happy at work again. I am afraid my lack of contentment in this job will start to show.

Maybe I just suck enough to stay desktop support until I die.
Someone get me a drink, if that's the case.
or 20.

-Angela

*sighs*

Feb. 10th, 2007 10:06 am
angelak: (Sad)
Troubles. )

Do note this is all venting. I am sure things will get better. I just cannot entirely express all this without causing more damage than is necessary. I am sure when he gets back we'll feel better. I just have a tendency to get extreme with my feelings at points like these. Where enough things build up. I am trying to let it go and relax. Panic sets in sometimes.


-Angela

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