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angelak: (Default)
I'm going to talk about me for a second; which isn't my biggest objective always. I'm outgoing and gregarious - for the most part open. That said, something that gets overlooked is that often times I am also intensely private. I'll admit to a lot of vulnerability, that's part of how I suspect people come to trust me in the first place. That said, it leaves me in a place where I often witness others sharing things and I feel unable to do so. The last 2 months have been a little crazy for me. I'm afraid to talk about my endeavors; I don't want to boast, nor do I want to expose my possible dead end travels. For the last 11 months or so, I've been relatively unsatisfied with my job. Many of those months were officially temporary, but I'm pretty good at my job. That's the fact. I am good at helping people, I'm good at listening to people. I care about shit when things aren't going ideally for people. City government jobs have always been something that I said was where dreams go to die. It was my dream for the first 3-5 years, but as I dead ended in my career and stuck around in compacency (golden handcuffs) for another 8+ years, it became a shackle that was slowly killing me, even in an environment with a boss I truly respected and enjoyed working with. (CG). I entered a new job after leaving administration that was about to find a way to oust me anyway (after 12 years of honest and good performance). It was a good thing, while a risky thing, a good thing. Apparently I'm good at risks when every fiber of my being is telling me what to do.

I finally landed a second city job, in spite of my search for something private sector. On some level, I knew I'd land in the top candidates, but that is easy to say. Most of the time I do land in the top 3, the last two years of interviewing has taught me. Not bragging, just observing. And recently, the interviewers rightfully told me I was overqualified 3 out of 4 times. I am brave and not brave all at once. I kept looking for jobs that weren't the best next step for me.

Back to city job #2... I was happy because I needed employment. I was mildly disappointed because I didn't want another city job. I genuinely was happy to take a job to make it through my wedding period. This was a good thing. After 6-8 weeks, it became obvious the environment with it's unique personality and management structure was not at all as pleasant as my previous team. It was a daily drain.

I was converted to a full time non temporary employee but kept hunting. It's no longer about stability for me, in spite of the fact that it is apparently more "risky." I always preface that every move is a big deal for me. I see a toxic environment at work as a life threatening one, because I struggle with depression. I don't talk about that often. So when I evaluate overall "risk," - I assess what it does to my depression as much as I assess salary scale and other job details. Unfortunately for me it is not an option to go somewhere and put on a good face and go home and abandon the toxic impact. It follows me 24/7, and if I am not careful, erodes at my ability to be in a safe headspace. I knew this when I left Issaquah. And a few months into Kirkland, I knew that as well.

The fortune I have is that the rest of my life is really amazing. I have a great husband and a supportive boyfriend who is always present for emotional ups and downs. That said, my polyamory structure has slowly been shifting, and so too has my home life circumstances. These are things I worked hard to sort out over 24 months time. None of it was quick or simplistic. I take responsibility for these choices, however stressful they can be. One relationship is hard, two is hard, and so on.

That said, I was able to quit my toxic job after a rough 2 weeks of "maybe" on a promotional position at a private sector company last week. My last day at the place that has afforded me to connect with some of the best and worst coworkers I've ever met, this coming Friday will be my last day. (4/24/15)

I start my new job on 4/30/15. I feel that I have been anything other than entitled to this next advancement for my career. Since money is not the biggest object for me, I definitely don't make wild requests of the universe on that end.

I have put in 13 years of professional career work, not including the couple of years of vocational training in the subject - aside from that with this new opportunity, there was no part of my hiring process that was "handed" to me. I'm anxious, excited, stoked, nervous, happy, and beyond ready to learn and expand myself and offer the best service I know how to my new employer. I just hope I can rock it and be as awesome as they need. I am born of "Croston" lineage. That means anxiety and mental issues abound. We worry. We worry about worrying, and then we worry that we can't stop worrying about worrying. But my gut says this is going to be the start of a wonderful new chapter of my life. Dreams are not of government for ME. That does not mean it isn't for other people (priorities and energy and personality and a million other things play into what we need as individuals to shine, sparkle, and be.)

For me, all I can say is that I do not know where I would be today without the constant career advice and sound boarding every week from my wonderful, patient, caring, blessing of a husband. He has more experience in this field than most people because contracting means constant job shifting. He's done so much to keep me from falling off the edge these past 2 years. I hope all the stress I have endured has given me the ability to expand, learn from it, and exceed in my next steps.

To the people who matter to me at City of Kirkland, you too have made my everyday moments into something that were bearable. I am a very sensitive person. And I never forget a good or bad deed, and those kindnesses from my friends are not taken for granted.

angelak: (The Past)
Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!


I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

angelak: (Trapped)
Golly, I feel like the last segment of my life looks like this user icon.
I used to move with the flow of life and let it permeate my path, let it guide me, direct me, and was sort of taking things as they came along.

I feel that I resist a lot of shifts and changes now that I'm an adult, and that earlier in my life it was just a given to see life shift and flex and change. Now that I've been in the same position in my job, attached to the notion of numbers in my bank account, my identity in an organization... I'm frozen and paralyzed as to accept changes, shifts. My ideals are like mist in the center of a fog-cloud.

What do I want? What is it exactly that I am missing? I obsess over my body a lot more than I should. I obsess over what I have or don't have. I'm desperately seeking something to do with my energy.

Some changes I'll be making from here on out and have been implementing in the last week or two:

+ Less Yoga - I was using it as escapism. Actually, as of now I haven't gone at all in a couple of weeks.
+ Foot commuting to work when I can
+ Running, because I love it. Because my knees are improved. Because in spite of my weight, I'm still a stronger runner in a lot of ways than I was at my lowest size.
+ Switching from Four-Tens to Five-Eights at work

I don't know what else to do with myself, but I do need to seek ways to fill my life up.
Not a lot going on in my life. It's been that way for a long time. It causes me to focus all my energy on my body, on introspection, on everything that can actually backfire on me.

Placing too much value on size-shape, obsessive compulsive working out - anxiety surrounding change - depression regarding my feelings that feelings aren't acceptable to feel.

I've come a long ways. Yes, it's true!!!
With the onset of some strange physical changes in short order, I'm having to really confront some stuff. Like the fact that the physical changes are directly pointing to everything I've known for a long time: I've got a lot of emotional things that are lingering, that I'm carrying around. So what happens? The body represents that and it appears in tangible form.

And I really need to let my life change and to seek opportunities for passion. I've been racheting around with what my ideas are for this for months. Wow.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Time to write some blog updates, here. As my life begins shifting lately, it seems the old ithisia livejournal entries are getting scarce. I like when I do sit down and choose to put words to the screen, and I know I’ll value the ability to step back and read them when these times are over.

Not succeeding this week at eating very raw. I’ve been eating about 50% raw, instead of 90-100%. I guess it’s not in alignment right now. Haven’t been craving the green juices as much – and it is probably to do with the cooler weather. Been eating fruits to try and take care of the sweet tooth and that usually works great.

I got a g1 a week or two back now off of CraigsList, as I couldn’t keep up texting with Jonny. He has an iphone, and I had a shitty RAZR that I’ve always hated. I got it 1 year ago when I moved into 874 – SOLELY because my other phone battery was too short lived.
The g1 purchased off CL, with my old SIM card because I’ve been a t-mobile customer for like over a decade now – works like a charm. No need to upgrade to a data plan, because it has WiFi and I’m not that thrilled about paying $20 a month extra for an incidental.

This week I have been trying to do more running, and succeeding. I had set the intent to do every other day running vs. yoga, but I have an engagement tonight that breaks into my yoga time :( That makes me sad, but right now I’m feeling like breaking it up how the life and schedule allows. Running gives me a lot more time to do other things with – (read, see Jim for more than a meal or two). At this point it’s important to me to keep that homelife relationship strong and improving and morphing into greater and more beautiful things. Why? Because the NRE with Jon is pretty fun and it exposes on some level some things I’ve been wanting to work with between me and Jim. These are good things.

We’ve been spurred to have a few super serious conversations that I feel like – I walked away with more insight into Jim’s reality. At times I am not entirely in tune with his reality.
So, because my schedule got a bit tweaked, it looks like this for the week:

Sunday: Ran
Monday: Yoga
Tuesday: Ran
Wednesday: Ran
The rest of the week will perhaps look like this:
Thursday: Yoga/Run (I sort of want to ACTUALLY make it to toastmasters…but in the interest of getting enough yoga in, I might have to push it to next Thursday)
Friday: Yoga
Saturday: Run

The goal was to get 4 runs in and 3 yogas. Next week I’d like to get more yoga in, and scale back on the running. I miss circuit training, but I want to start learning what the balance of running vs yoga is, before I can add in anything else to the equation. I miss my big guns and my built deltoids. My deltoids are pretty badass when I’m working them good.
It’s because I love military press. ;)

Feeling pretty good with 3 runs already this week; in fact I can scarcely believe it. Today my knees feel a little more tender than usual, even though I woke up with them feeling stellar. I think it was when I was hitting 7mph on the treadmill that did it. But, it still feels pretty awesome. My next run will be slower and more easy, and I will stick with steady. I’ve been doing some minor speed work and seeing results already. My regular pace is heightened. It feels good to run long. My legs reaching for the limits feels fantastic – but I’m also knowledgeable enough to realize that this causes more impact also. So, a couple of easier runs to ensure that my body’s limits are not pushed regarding tendons, and things will be great.

In yoga, I am getting further down in fixed firm and a little shocked that the past few times I’ve done this it has not done anything “weird” to tenderize my tendons. It makes me very optimistic that one day I will be back on the floor without causing tendon strain. I also feel a strong vibe that eventually – I will also be back to doing kneeling poses. I’m in no rush. The 2 I can’t really do without a modification or sitting out are camel and rabbit.
For one, I love camel.
For two, I hate rabbit.

And I miss doing both – no matter how poorly I execute rabbit. I always felt a sense of satisfaction from doing a pose that was really not constitutionally easy for me. But that’s why I stuck with Bikram, after all. None of it was easy.

Fighting in Yoga with standing head to knee – because my left knee tries to hyper extend every single damn time. I have to fight to keep the leg from hyper extending. It frustrates me, but I think if I just keep pushing and working on it – I’ll have some pretty awesome muscle benefits that will help keep my knee on that side safer. The right way – is the hard way.
Emotionally, I’ve been steering clear of depressive episodes and low moods. I feel like I’ve hit some major break throughs, and some of it has to do with being out of pain for most of my day. I am still VERY mindful all day long of my knees, but the dull ache and constant worry is fading. It is becoming a nasty memory that has shaped my soul.

I look back at my last 19 months and realize that 19 months was a short journey to what insights I think will be carried with me for the rest of my life here on Earth.
There’s no telling the number of people I wish to help one day with my empathy, with my ability and understanding of how these physical limitations can change your entire life, and your entire being.

While I may be mindful of my knees for years to come and perhaps forever – I know I’ve come very far. The turn around of this was in June 2009. I started my 30 day challenge that lasted 14 days with the Bikram Yoga, and found insights and strength to back off and turn my knees around. Without that 14 days of yoga, I doubt I would have had the presence of mind to know in my heart what things to do to get me where I could become as pain free as I am today.

I am still working with the extra weight I put on during that period, but it is minor. I am still fit, mostly trim, and close to my goals. I am okay with where I am at. Also, fortunate with 2 fellas to remind me that they value me for not only my physical attributes, but so much more.

I went in to get a physical a couple of weeks ago and got some blood work done: all numbers are stellar. I have super low cholesterol where it is supposed to be low, and all my other numbers are in the low range of what they’re supposed to be.
In my gyn visit the nurse and the gyn were surprised at how low my resting heart rate was. They said, “uh, do you work out???? We see very few people with a resting HR of 49…”
I grinned and said, “just a bit.” For the record, the average person has a resting HR of 60-100. Apparently I’m in the athlete class with the resting HR! Some athletes though, have a HR as low as the 30’s. (Think Lance Armstrong).

The lower your heart rate, the more efficient your heart is at pumping blood throughout the body. Less beats means a stronger heart. One could deduct that I have a strong heart! Yeay! You mean the toiling pays offff????
What this tells me, is I am VERY healthy right now, in spite of some minor knee issues that are fading rapidly.

I also feel pretty emotionally grounded, which has been something I am almost as excited as I am about the knees! My day to day life has been looking like a lot of work, a lot of house cleaning and laundry, a lot of running and less yoga than I’ve practiced in the last 10 months, but still a pretty decent practice (falling to 3-4 times a week over the previous 5-6 times a week). I admit – it is keeping things fresh for me at this point. I can’t deny that my body just loves to run. In December 2006, I started an “experiment,” that I kept to myself. The experiment was running. I was too ashamed of myself to call myself a runner. I didn’t want to be a poser, so I kept this experiment to myself. I’ve been hooked on running for the duration of the last 3 years. And I celebrate this blessing in my life every mile I put in.
In December 2008, on the 5th – I began Bikram Yoga as “an experiment.” I had no idea what to expect, but it was largely due to the suggestion of S/Energei. My gut told me I needed to go do this. I resisted, but bravely went in by myself with no other intent but to improve my knees.

It became a refuge for my depression and my life. It taught me so much about myself and now I’m really thinking the next several years of my life will also include a steady practice in the Bikram Yoga. Besides – once you get addicted to how wonderful the hot room feels, I’m thinking it’s hard to step away from it ;)

Also the leg strength and balancing that is attained… it’s irreplaceable. On December 5th, 2009 – I intend to make a mental celebration of my 1 year anniversary to Yoga. I have also found some very energizing and supportive souls at my studio. I was very shy when I first started going, but their open and loving attitudes brought me to a place of emotional healing. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Linda, Brenna, Heidi, Laurel.
Anyways. More to come, but I have a chiropractic appointment very soon. ;)

angelak: (Default)
I think I have something similar to panic attacks when I think about my condition being lifelong.
I was talking to Judy because she asked about the doctor's appointment and she had the general attitude and sound that it was to be something I'd deal with for perhaps the rest of my life. I felt the sudden physically sick sensation in my gut and the urge to leave, leave quickly - because I felt like melting down.

Few people have brought it up and made me think beyond my own personal worry that it would be a lifetime condition.
This happened from Judy when I told her the doctor had put "chronic," to the injury title.
After being high as a kite this morning, I found myself plummeting while taking a mini break early in the morning.
The notion sent me to tears and general panic/distress.

Jim has been really good lately about helping me cope with my emotional turmoil and spikes.
It has taken us down a long, difficult road to learn how to together cope with how I seem to react to this condition.
I know Judy meant no harm. But I could not stop myself from the boundless cliff of cold, frightening realities that I try so hard to keep at bay within my own mind.

This cannot sustain me for the rest of my life.
This cannot.

The doctor's appointment is today. For this I am really, truly - glad. And I have high hopes.
I also have high hopes because this condition HAS improved in 6 months. I'm better than I was.
So, this too might mean I'll recover one day.
The finality in her tone just sent me off the deep end.
I am back and a little more balanced again.

Damn I hate that I am so easily swayed.
I am strong. But not strong enough to hold true panic at bay...

angelak: (Lots of candles)
My biggest piece of advice from Jim in the past few days was to live in the moment, from moment to moment. That is how he made it through a lot of his hardships without losing his shine, his positive nature. Focus on the things that aren't amiss, and the things that are will not be so hard to endure.

I am guessing at the fact that all this life stuff is drowning me a little, but I've got to pull out of it. I've got to.

I can't let this sadness defeat me right now. I have another month of hard work before I can relax... but I should learn to relax in the midst of this. So my knees hurt. That's ok. It means I have to watch my food closer when I can't find it in me to work out. I need to start living off of more structured plans, because I know I am more apt to succeed this way and be less off kilter.

I've got to stop focusing on the things that make me angry, that progress my downward spirals. I've got to change the way I think, and keep working at it. And working at it and working at it. I've got all sorts of support from Jim right now - and without that I think I'd be so much worse off.

Right now he has taken over as liaison of our loan matters. I think that is the best thing that could have happened. I was at it for a couple of months (Since Aug 1st) with the house business, and after 2 months of it, I am spent on the notion.

I'd complain about the economy, but I honestly think the economy has less to do with us than our personal situations. It frustrates me when my co workers talk about the bigger issues looming out there. (Read, bail out). I'd rather just forget I'm in the midst of loan processing. They don't help.

I've got to live moment to moment and thinking about those larger issues just makes me feel that drowning feeling even more.

And not to dwell on that. The best part of this is that our lenders so far with FHA have been more positive I think. So it's just a matter of us waiting and praying that all falls into place anyway. I never have gotten the feeling that "we've lost the place," yet. And my gut has been pretty good in the last 5 years of my life. It's the waiting that I've got to learn to deal with. And if it doesn't work out - so be it. It will not have been because I made shitty money or had poor credit. It will have been something bigger than me.

Because I'm going to be honest. I make good money. With Jim's smaller income, we make decent combined monies. I have excellent credit. He has almost excellent credit (damn him for not spending his money on random shit and credit cards, he kept it in cash for gods'sake).

God forbid somebody not waste their cash on useless crap (like I did).
Well, my furniture and random other worldly goods are things I don't regret having, and they did help build my credit. I have an excellent score.

So on the positives:

My knee is slowly behaving today. Although I have taken 3 days or so off of working out, I think my body might have needed it.
I cannot be negative on it. I must listen to my body. I must also treat myself like my very best friend. And pretty much that's easy to do. After all - my best friends are all off doing their own thing right now.

My other very best friend is Jim. I need to stop acting out against him and use him as my team member. I have possibly been taking my life frustrations out on him. It's not his fault. None of it is. There is nothing he has done that has been anything but good.

He is working hard overnight full time. He is bringing home money, paying his half, and doing his best to cope with a girlfriend who is half falling apart emotionally. He is scarifacing sleep in order to resolve greater good for our team.

What I really need is to reclaim the tenderness and the adorable infatuation that I know exists between us. Instead of putting up barbed wired walls and barricading myself into a square pen that only hurts me.

I'm trying my best.
I will continue to eat the healthy foods and make my goal by the time we move. I'd like to lose 1 lb per week. That gives me roughly 3-5 lbs.

If I gain, like I did last week - so what. I need to keep trying to be strong and do what I can when I can. And not push those runs. I might scale back my time from 19/3/19 (with 10 min warm up and 10 cool down) back to 17/2/17 (with 10 min warm up cool down) once the knee flair up goes away.

I might also add I am going to run my 5K this weekend and do my very best. And not care. I'm a runner and that isn't going to go away. Not because I have to slow down, not because I'm injured, not because my life feels like it is falling down around me.

I never would have found this identity so strong without this heart breaking half a year. Although I wish I were 138 and running those 11:26 minute 1.5 milers, (my early 08 stats) it doesn't mean that the 146, god'knows'how fast girl cannot get back there. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year. I don't care.

It still beats the 170 me of Early 07. And I have proved to myself I can train back up relatively easily, and my head is motivated. I just need to ensure my body is ready for it. Slow, slow, slow progressions. No hills.

One other thing is that my size 7s are fitting rather unsnugly. So the size 5s are probably just snugish. Not so bad, between 5 and 7. I can accept this as an interim size. It's rather good.

In the positives:
My arms are badass. Quite a lot more badass than they were 8 months ago.

So today, I am going to break my 3-4 day work out break, ignore the fact that last week was a 1 lb gain, and put as much energy as I can into building a weekly schedule/plan for my workouts/also stretching strength training on my legs. I've got to come out of this ahead.

And I think I might go in to the doctor and have a talk (a different one) about where I am in the healing process, and request an MRI because damnit, my insurance covers it and I don't want to fuck around.

I might also talk to them about some of the extreme depressive lows I've experienced in the last 6 months, and my current life situation. Although I am not proud of where I've been... I must admit it has been a worse mental state than I've ever seen in my life.

I've got to remember that this taking control of me is a long, slow, patient process.

angelak: (Take me away)
Sort of feel like I've fallen asleep and woken up 6 weeks later. And that everything that I have experienced in the last 6 weeks was just one strange incomprehensible dream. Is that weird or what?

I'm not sure, but today my reality feels a little scattered. It's not a negative feeling, but I am just holding my breath that life will return to me a little less scattered. I feel like I'm on the edge of starting a new direction of my old reality. I don't know how else to explain it. But I've got a lot of plans, dreams, hopes, and a lot of things that have to wait right now.

And as much as the last 6 weeks of my life have led me to fight them, I've got to accept them now and learn to do things that can make me feel fulfilled between now and then. Even my home life feels like I've been dreaming it up. It sort of reminds me of a half-nightmare that I've been living. I know that sounds incredibly weird. I can't describe life any other way. I've been pretty depressed.

I don't take myself to be the sort to be depressed over weeks, but I can admit that this has been depression. Trying to climb out of the hole. The good news is that work seems to be a little mild right now. For the moment. Second. Which is good. I need time to decompress.
I have also had someone staying in my house for 4 days straight. ON my couch. IN my common space. Also some new things I've decided to get more involved in.

I need new things, and I need some stuff to help me find my center. I've just been flying by the seat of my pants. It's not a good feeling for me. My old reality is not the one I am leading right now. I can accept that. So here goes. Accepting. Moving on from that.

So here goes some more external stim that is not solo in nature. I've sort of let some important aspects of life go by the wayside in the past year while getting more in tuned with my physical priorities.
My physical priorities are still there.
But right now they're going to have be put on hold for more important things: Healing.

Somewhere along the line physically transferred into emotional hurts.
I'm not sure how or when or anything, but that is what it is. Here's to getting better and better.
Anyone who wants to expend healing energy in this direction; it is welcome.
And for those who already have; many thanks, my dears.

angelak: (HairSide)
It would seem that this morning has been one of those days that... everyone has. Except I can't help but think hormonally speaking, it was an explosion of sorts. I'm not one to blame hormones typically.
This being said, I am going to try and schedule an appointment with my Ob-Gyn. Although I have been on said Birth Control for a while, it would seem I have had lesser episodes every 2-3 months on this particular pill. This time is the last time I want to have this on account of living through chemicals.

It is worth a shot, especially seeing as Walgreen's miss-filled my prescription the year before this one, and the reason I told my Ob-Gyn I wanted to stay with the miss-filled BCs was because the switching of the meds was rocky for me. I may sound ridiculous when I walk back in there and say that although I demanded the mis-prescribed pills this year, I would like to switch to something that doesn't create the equivalent of what I now recognize to be a panic attack.

Does any of this make sense? Regardless. Somehow it didn't seem like it was the meds (I figured it was ME) until today - when I decided every one of my life goals were worth abandoning.

That is very not-me.

angelak: (Alone)
Sleep tonight? Impossible.
It's just been one of those intensely moody days.
How crummy.
Jim is exhausted. And I am awake feeling unresolved in my day.
But the poor fella did a lot of physical/mental exertion for one day.
Army stuff and beyond.

Just waiting for a new day to dawn.



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


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