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angelak: (Sleeping)
Just going to write here for the sake of writing. Had a nice evening last night. Very normal, average, routine. Except we set up with a simple HDMI cable, Jim's computer downstairs. The benefits of this abound. Particularly that I think he may notice Amber's requests to go out more than prior when he was Repunzel in his tower on Floor #3 in 874.

Also, when I come in the door, I won't have to trudge upstairs immediately to alert him I am home.
That sounds like it's not a big deal, but after 5 years, I'm frankly sick of that. No need for an intercom system :P

Perhaps less dishes will migrate into floor 3... we'll see. I'm feeling optimistic about a simple move of computer. I said it jokingly about 3 weeks ago, and BAM, it happened for real. !!!
Just feeling at peace for the moment, and that feels good.

Let the weekend garbage die.
Last night July 4th plans were finalized. Can hardly wait.

The weekend was pretty cool. I know we went out on the boat a few times, and in the last couple of weeks I've discovered the beauty of night-time Lake Union time. How fun!!! My favorite was the evening we went out and I read my novel out-loud to us. How much more fun does it get? The only bummer is I don't really watch the boating environment if I am reading, but it was a lot of fun all the same. I sort of ate whatever I wanted, mostly drinking lots of wine over the weekend and skipping all scheduled workouts. That's okay. Sometimes it just feels good to live.

We also had to go nab Amber, a furchild-care issue related to the Leavenworth trip of Jim's. That worked out. As DriveHouse is not Amber-proof, we crashed at 874.

It turned out quite well in the long run, my favorite part being Amber's first trip out on the boat. Fritz is people centric and less independent. All he cares about is clinging to his people. Amber is very, very independent. She loved standing at the bow of the boat and staring out over the water, challenging ducks by barking at them, and generally just being more dog-like and interactive with the fact she was on a boat with water all around. In general, she tolerates water better to begin with. I just had to watch to make sure the crazy girl didn't get any ideas about jumping in, in front of the damn boat. You know. Like ya do.

The bad news was when our front snap cover ...blew into the marina while we were out. It was gone when we got back one of the times. Meaning a make shift covering of the front of the boat until Sean can get a new one. (not cheap).
I'm a strong swimmer... I also love swimming. But there have been times I've had water phobia. Sean would have dove in to look for the cover under the water in the Marina, but he is still recovering from shoulder surgery.

I was about to with my goggles and bikini, but you know. I was truly mortified by Lake Union waterworks marina water. I really don't want to see what is down there for some reason. I jumped in. For 2 seconds. Decided I wasn't going to be able to goggle around and find the damn cover.

So that was that.

Lake Union is gross, I'm sorry. It's gross as fuck and I don't want to know what's down there for the moment. :P
It is mostly frustrating to have a phobia at all, especially given what a strong swimmer I am, and mostly logic driven woman I am about a lot of these things. So annnyyyyyyyyyyyway. And you know, I wanted to find that damn cover. Took some nasty dry Chadonnay to alleviate my feelings. I need to get some boat worthy wine that I fucking like. I was just drinking what Sean had, which sounded like shit that Tammy liked back in the day. (Exgf). I think I need to take over and get tasty wine. I'm not a big cheap wine fan. I want something I love or don't bother. But you know, beggers cannot be choosers, and he had this other stuff. I was drinking it because I thought he liked it. He had drank it for Tammy because she liked it. But then he mentioned Tammy likes cheap wine, anything to get a buzz on. That's a bit less my wine style. Give me quality. I don't want a buzz on without fine deliciousness involved really. I'm a booze snob, yes - it's true. I wasn't at 21, but a few years later I got over that "let's get smashed for the sake of it," thing.

Oh yeah, We also did Father's Day at my parents'. It was super fun, Me and Sean went and then Jim showed up later. We also got Jill cupcakes and I bought her half of her new Horse Show Shirt. $100 shirt, but it looked great and will work for her shows for a long time to come. Now that her elbow is healed, we can actually have taken her to the tack shop to buy it. Anyway, good family fun and it is good to see James with a great lady that is kind, low drama, positive, happy as a person. She brings him to a place he always deserved to be with a partner.

-Angela

Happy

Jun. 17th, 2013 07:29 pm
angelak: (Angela Party Happy)
It makes me so damn happy to see my bro happy.
<3

-Angela
angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
Friday. Took Benedryl. Half worried that when my real drugs wear off, that my allergic crap will come back. But we'll see. I can always use the Benedryl that keeps knocking me out - right??

Drinks with co workers tonight after work. Looking forward to it if my brain wasn't so addled. I am thinking maybe I will have a couple of drinks for once. I think I will invite Sean after all. Shrug.
We'll see. He, Sean, is off to see Man of Steel with his C.

So if he's free in time, I think I'll have him come along. Shake things up. I'm sure JF is curious to meet the "other" that she knows exists.

I miss Judy. I miss Judy a lot in this office.
Life moves on.

In other news, the weekend looks relatively clear, so that's good news.
Up and down goes my personal life. Mostly I think if I just keep being stubborn and working on myself, working on everything I want. Never give up.

Boring isn't better.
I need a damn nap though.
Jim invited me to see Man of Steel before I found out Sean was seeing it. STOKED> I think we might see it tonight.
Sean might come along too. I was excited that Jim invited me out to see a movie. It's the little things.

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
Yesterday was a day of sorts to remember. Grandpa had sewer issues in his house - we mobilized a plan to get this taken care of last weekend. Being the money person is never that awesome in this circumstance. We didn't anticipate what was going to be needed, figured it would be your standard plumbing bill. Instead it turns out the line between the house and the main near the street was pulverized by tree roots, old age. The $7,000 would be needed to take care of it, or his house would be condemned within 24 hours. Got this sorted out, and it has been paid for now. It was nice to know that my Uncle expressed his gratitude for the ordeal of managing the funds. He understood the magnitude of what it could have been like (as did my Mom) if I hadn't been in charge of management. And also that it must be a headache for me at times. HE's right, it is at times. I'm not very good at it - but the previous person who stole the role of money manager for the grandparents when Grandma was around.... well, he spent it all like it was his own.

So, like you do when you are me and have been working very hard to get the balance on his bank accounts higher and higher while paying his normal bills and operating costs (food!)... well, you take a sigh of relief after double checking the balance. He has enough for this. I was unsure for a moment, I hadn't checked his account in a while.

After that heart stopping moment of "how much does he have?!?" I have decided that I will be keeping a closer week to week eye on that. Handling his money forces me not to pretend money doesn't exist. This includes my own. Damn. I suppose I should address my money more efficiently anyway. Apparently this is my year of getting money management together. I just ... I'm reluctant! Damnit!
There is one thing I am good at: Hoarding money and not spending it when the proper need is there. Saving is something I can turn on like a switch when I need to. This comes from having no money in my childhood. Lately I've been failing in this arena in my own personal finances, but that is another story.

Onto the fun:
Ignition is a Fire troupe. Sean, Kat, and Tierney - who were involved with the Rite of Sol show I was in, are members of this fire troupe. It is looking like I will be involved in this. I know it sounds like I haven't had enough cool things to do ... you know, yoga, amateur drama, running, whatever... I suppose I need more ;)

Great timing for me with this... they did their Fire Safety course last night. That's bonus, means it will likely be super easy for me to be involved either on or off stage at whatever point. Will continue learning about the troupe and what is involved and what they do and how they do it and all of that. For now, I will suffice to say Fire Safety in 30 degree weather is hardcore. Cold wet towels ....... very cold.

Thank goodness for UA ColdGear.

I'm now on Phase 2 of HCG until vacation. That means I'm eating food again.
Happy. Starting to feel pretty good. Happy.
Enjoying healthy doses of NRE. Looking forward to my impending vacation to Kauai, Hawaii!!!! It's coming up and I am so so excited!
That's enough for now. Better than no post at all!

-Angela
angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

Quick 2012 RunDown. )

BOOM.
2013 arrives.

-Angela

What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
2012 BREAKOUT!

Focus for 2012
(I don't exactly do resolutions, per se, but I do have focuses.)


Serve my communities – focal point = Service

Yoga/OTO/Pagan communities, serve them (How? Be present. Give whenever possible in time/service.)

Leave Self doubt behind

Serve in the Mass team beyond the child role:
(First Deacon, then Priestess - eventually, in the future...)

Replace carpets downstairs in 874

Create a tidy home that is nearly always acceptable for impromptu guests

Become a strong and valued Bikram Yoga Teacher

Develop my Yoga Teaching

Digest and Teach verbatim Bikram Dialogue

Improve physical and emotional bodies

Reach the low 140lbs range solid

Lean out body the rest of the way

Shrink the hips/upper thighs

Return to Teacher Training as a mentor (not a DE-mentor).

Travel to see teacher training friends and take their classes!

Maintain a strong Yoga practice

Maintain a moderate running and circuit training schedule

Continually build strong relationships with my sweeties

Stay close with Jim

More personal focus from self to community service

Rite of Sol Involvement

Search for a late 90's Mitsubishi Eclipse for personal material items list
angelak: (JimAngelaKissing)
Not full of a lot of words right now. Not remotely. Week 5 has been interesting. Working through the posture clinics, working through the yoga, learning how to relax through situations that I just can’t be any better in. Booked Jim’s flight early in the week so he could fly in this weekend. I felt much more grounded all week long. I started off the week delivering triangle and did pretty well if I do say so myself. Next day was not so great, but they’re all blurring together by the end of the week.
People all were saying it would be “hell” week. I get tired of the labeling and the mock predictions. The heat in the hot room went up Thursday and Friday. I worked very hard in these hot classes, especially the ones where Bikram was there. Jim Kallet’s Friday night class wasn’t really motivating, but we got through that too.
Then Jim came to visit. It was nice to have him here. I wish I had a mental head space for words about all the things going on. But I just feel inadequate to write down what is going on to me here. It’s and up and down process, and sometimes – I just don’t have words for any of it. I know I’m changing somehow, I know I am also becoming better and better at memorizing, but I feel unsure of what that really looks like. I miss Jim already, we just dropped him off at the airport.

He showed up after my Saturday morning class, and honestly it felt surreal. Having him here felt very natural, very normal – but it also felt like just by having him here, the yoga bubble was somewhat deflated. And I liked that. That was a good thing. I also felt like I was retaining the lines better with him here. Someone to talk to, to lean on, to touch… I think I miss touch the most here. It was almost easier without having seen him to not miss him because I had become so accustomed to it, in ways. But so much is clear to me now. How much our shared energy really works for me and who I am as a person, how much his company really is organic and comfortable and everything I could ask for in a partner. He’s the most perfect person I could never have imagined to share my life with.
He doesn’t have to do anything or be a certain way – he just is this for me.
So, I mostly retained 2 postures so far over the weekend and still have a few hours of the night to pick up one or two before bed? We’ll see. I figured I’d write in this blog before my brain falls out. He helped me study all weekend by just listening and letting me say stuff outloud and just generally being with me. So the touch part – the leaning on someone is the most difficult part.

The weekend with Jim included us renting a car so we could drive to Venice Beach, we went shopping there, Jim got 3 specialty shirts down on the boardwalk there, and I got one. We went to the Santa Monica pier, we ate at Bubba Gump’s – but the food was not the best for my sensitive apparently – system. Who knew my body would be more sensitive after all this probable detoxing? Today we went to Manhatten beach, had breakfast, got tea, went to a bakery, went and did all my errands, and just hung out at the ocean for a while, took a solid nap snuggling each other. He also went with me to Kohl’s to find more posture clinic clothes. Then we met up with Curtis for dinner, and Curtis took him to the airport and dropped me off back at the hotel.

The weekend with Jim felt long, but now that he is gone it is only mildly difficult to know I have 4 more weeks before I see him again, and a lot of work ahead of me. I just hope this week I can power through and stay strong. I know we’ll continue getting less sleep, and my body felt fatigued as hell this weekend. Hopefully I will regain energy as the week starts off and that I will be able to spit out words on que. I can see how nice it will be to come home and resume regular life with my best friend … that part is clear to me. Hard to see him go, it was a welcome reprieve from the “living with folks who know me, but not the real, real me.” Sigh. What a week last week was. I am proud of last week, but also looking ahead and feeling overwhelmed for week 6. And I’m not sure why!

-Angela
angelak: (HairSide)
Back to LJ after wandering around Seattle with Auzzie friend, Joel – as I said. It was a weird kind of vacation where I tourist-ed my own major city (local). Trying to figure out things to do is only hard if you don’t have the Seattle City Pass – and I am slowly learning to become proficient in touring people around. I wasn’t so great initially, funnily enough Steve Pavlina was my first “touree” so to speak, and also I didn’t really feel that great. I take that back, Frenchie Sylvain was my first touree.

Basically this is what we covered in the course of 4 days:

• Seattle Space needle twice (once during the day, once at night)
• Seattle Aquarium, fishies!
• Elliot Bay cruise (I’m on a BOAT!)
• Seattle Science Center, with an IMAX movie about Louis and Clark, the people who discovered the West coast of the US, after the Indians did of course
• Museum of Flight
• 3 hour drive up to the Wa Peninsula to see Lake Quinault and Kalaloch, the ocean
• Showed him Walmart, he’d never been in one
• Shopped in Fry’s electronic superstore

Tried to take him to a local lake and park in my city, but it was taken over by Iranians and a New year celebration.... so we didn't get out. Park was over-packed.
Not a bad list of stuff considering!!!

Joel left us his ticket for the Experience Music Project, so Jim and I will check that out together. We ran out of time for that, and neither Jim or I have been to it, and Joel apparently visited it last time he was in Seattle.

A lot of stuff, considering I haven’t done the majority of this stuff in the last 15-20 years, if ever.

Also to be noted, I ran into Kate – my cousin, at Pacific Science Center. It really happened because we were hanging around the lego-car track and I heard some lady scolding a child for not letting the little cars go around the track (he was hanging onto it too long). She was working there, the one staffing the lego display at the Science Center shop. I had been just thinking how hellish it would be to work near the shop....... children running amuck! There was an unmistakable Croston tone in the mix. It caught my attention and I was about to make a mental comment about it to myself, (wow, that lady is …) and I never got to fill in my thought. Reading her nametag and given my familiarity with my once-often seen in childhood cousin, I was like. “oh. That’s my cousin.”

Different than my feelings towards my cousins in the California… the Croston’s energy doesn’t always align with my own. As in, it meshes far differently and less innately comfortable. I don’t have as much in common – (doesn’t mean they’re any less family, or any less pleasant as people, it just means I relate more with the other side of the fam).

It’s interesting because my Dad rejects the other cousins solely based off of Lisa, his sister. It is one of the rare, unreasonable things I’ve seen my Dad respond to. His choice, however – I grew up with NO notion of even realizing they exist, besides a few not-so-positive statements, so as a kid you think, “oh, if Dad thinks they’re not worth knowing… well of course they’re not.”

The closed mindedness never gave me a reason to give pause to them until much later.
Then one day I saw them on Facebook. Odd, but unlike so many people, my family ties have been pretty much weakened and only now in adulthood do I really realize it’s up to me from here on out.
From my perspective, both of my parents weren't into "family" networking beyond our own family unit, intentional or not. I often look at how other people talk about their family network and see that our way was a little unorthodox, if I do say so myself. But then, normal is pretty much the most unusual adjective that exists. While Kate is obviously very different than me, (she’s more Croston, I’m sorry – I just don’t fit in with the Croston’s sometimes…) and I’ve got a very Santo vibe. It’s just there. I wouldn't have quite understood that until getting to know more extended family over the last year on any preliminary levels.

Digression: It was Very pleasant to see Kate. She’s clearly a very enthusiastic, sweet lady. With a hug and an uncertainty as to what else to say, I took Mister Auzzie onwards in the Science Center.
I hadn’t seen Kate in 15+ years. And she’s LOCAL, unlike the SoCal Santo Clan.

As for Auzzie. I knew instantly I’d miss him once he left. I did however, enjoy reading his travel posts and am wondering why he hasn’t updated his SF day 1~~!!

http://www.joelbrown.com.au/

To see his blog ;)
Anything else I’m not thinking of right now, I just felt like it was high time to update. It’s been a busy few days and I am still catching up on my life that I sort of put on hold to spend quality time with a quality friend. Will continue on operation clean the house now that my guest has vacated ;)

-Angela
angelak: (ShadowFax)
A run is on deck after work, but I don't know how I am going to survive. I feel frozen outside today. I think it's like 36F in Issaquah. I forgot to grab gloves, so there is only one glove in my car that I was able to dig up. I'm not sure I want to have one warm hand and one cold one. Brrrr. So cold outside. Feels colder than it did last week - I'm guessing that icy wind doesn't help matters.

The weekend flew by. Saturday we went to Port Townsend, where Grandma Santo lives. This is pretty much a whole day affair. We delivered a puppy to her because one of her two dogs died. Bummer. This was a Sheltie puppy. Very cute little boy and hopefully all goes well with the adjustments.

We then went back home. I chillaxed at home, and then Sunday came. Worked out, did things around the house, and then went to Russian class. Coming along with the learnings. Hopefully when I am done being frozen tonight after work, I will do a major study session and get all my material ready to study for next week. Including a couple of written dialogues of using the 4 different forms of "to go."

Anyways. I'm inching towards my evening workout. In the frigid, frosty cold.
And for fun, I'll go ahead post a picture of me and my other Grandmother.

Бабушка и меня - Grandma and Me. )

As Sasha has mentioned... I've been catching up with family that I haven't seen in years, a lot lately.

-Angela
angelak: (Angela Fritz Puppy Snuggly)
Good Morning!!!!
I was super tired last night, because I stayed out late on Thursday with Monk after Yoga. Then by the end of the night, I guess I turned into Princess CrankyBitch. Fortunately after bickering with Jim for 25 minutes, I realized... I should shut the fuck up and go to bed.

It dawned on me the cranky-ness=body demanding sleep.

So, Sleep I had. I slept in a couple of hours, happily saw the sun shining brightly in the sky. It motivated me to hit Issaquah for a run, before the "snow" as I put it on my facebook, comes this weekend. I remember when I was predominantly a runner and seldom took nearly as much time off from running as I do now (pre injury 08) when the snow forecasts came in, I was devastated. Well, life has changed a little. I don't run as often (I will in 2011, I'm getting that vibe, but for now my body wants me to break it up).

And that was pre-Dreadmill days. I remember using a Dreadmill (Treadmill) as an "experiment" because I had never used one (I had always run outside) and I was intimidated by the idea! What If I suck at the dreadmill yada yada. ANd then I found it was kind of fun, but only as a newb. As I got injured and they wanted me to use teh Dreadmill ALL the time, it began to suck the life out of my running. It's great for supplemental fun runs, but beyond that I just don't prefer it :D

Today's run was nice. Pretty fall day, very crisp, very cold, but the sun was shining. My lungs were wondering what happened to the 60 degree runs... seeing as the temp was around 38-40. But, you know. That's ok! It just felt good to get out and use my legs.

Can't wait for the party tonight.
Someone awesome is having a birthday! <3
Am looking forward to bugging my parents later this weekend too.
Jim misses them and wants to see them also! Very nice. What else? Speaking of Jimmers, he called his Mom last night because she thought he was not going to be there for Thanksgiving. Well, he IS going to Portland and he WILL be there. So he had to call and set her straight. Of course he had to explain that for the first time in a few years, (okay, really - the first time in 5 years) *I* will not be there.
And then of course the Why came up. "She's going on a trip to California."
To?
"Spending it with a guy friend." Of course - more questions forth coming. My parents know I'm polyamorous. Thanks, Steve Butler... for outing me when I dumped you in 05. Or was it 04? can't remember. I'm obviously getting old ;) Just kidding.

It would appear this is when he will come out of the poly-closet to his Mom anyway. His siblings already know. They're on Facebook, and we list each other as "In An Open Relationship," together. So it's pretty obvious.
But his Mom has avoided Facebook. Jim has let me know he is going to broach the subject while he is there.
I am mostly bummed his entire family will be together this year for the first year, and this is the year I choose to opt out of the holiday. And then again. I'm also glad. I stress out whenever I am around huge groups of family these days. It's not even like MY family has had a successful, peaceful, happy get together for some time.

And of course. I'm dying to reconnect face to face with Sasha. Because it's going to be super fun! So far I intend to do a Bikram class, like I said - force myself to run with someone new and not be insecure (I like running alone, no one to pace, no one to feel like I am too slow with, if my breath is getting horrendous, I don't have to feel goofy). But then again, WHATEVER. Hello - when I went running with Tom H. from the CGW 1, it turned out to be one of the most fun, quick, conversation filled runs I've ever been on. So I need to buck the fuck up, as Young Master Heinz would say. SPEAKING of Heinz. I really miss him, and I have had little chance to see the baby. Sad! I need to SET SOMETHING UP!!!

I should probably eat soon.

-Angela
angelak: (JimAngelaKissing)
Not a whole lot is new today. Taken care of a few things at work, but it is otherwise a little slow.
WEDNESDAY.

:)

Cleaned some of the house on lunch with Jim, who was actually awake. Me shifting my schedule has sort of caused him to start going to bed early and trying to get up earlier? I'm a little confused, seeing as the first week of my 8's, I came home and was enjoying solo time. I also enjoy lunch with him if he isn't pulling for the "eating out," option.

Today I made us baked potatoes and broccoli. (Microwaved these while we did an ultra cleaning session!) This made him very happy because I dumped his in cheese.

After much whining - I have a few plans on the calendar as far as events that don't include hanging around the house. They look like this:

Sunday afternoon (June 27-28th) we will probably drive down to the coast somewhere. Long Beach, WA is sounding tempting to me, and I am requesting Monday off from my boss because Jim has a rare few days off: Sun, Mon, Tues. So, we'll probably hang out in Long Beach for a little while and then I will come back to work on Tuesday and Jim will happily enjoy a day off doing his gaming fun.

We have booked our flights to Lubbock, Texas for the hottest time of the year. July 29th-August 2nd, we'll be flying out to spend time with Jim's Dad over Jim's birthday (Lughnasadh/August 1st is Jim's 28th birthday) - His Dad lives in Lubbock. This is both good and bad. The flight dough is my vacation flight dough. We're spending it on family/not exactly vacationing in my mind.

He says his Dad is planning some fun attraction type events... so I suppose this will be okay. It isn't exactly my standard vision of vacation, but I admit. I want to explore as many states in the US as I can. I've never been to Texas, nasty political scenes aside. I just hope I can plan another actual vacation in a hotel and not have to stress over family eventually. He did assure me we'd do some vacationy stuff... so I sort of let my whine-streak go. Also, it IS family and his Dad is a great guy. It will be special for him to spend his birthday with his Dad. Not just to him, but to Barry, his Dad.

And I'm anxious for this next plan because I will need an attitude adjustment before I go.
As in, REMINDING myself that the main goal for me is to DO something, out of the house, and spend time with Jim doing something OUT of the ordinary.

September 3, 4, 5 we have already gotten our tickets to PAX 2010.

:) It's a gaming festival. A 3-day gaming festival. I'm not exactly a gamer. But... I do think shaking my routine up and doing something EXCEEDINGLY different is a good idea. So we've already got our tix. SK: if you're out there and going, please let me know!!! I'd love to get together with you and your wife and make it an event.

As far as anything else, I haven't yet scheduled anything else. However, this is hugely important seeing as we've been sort of uneventful for quite some time. I hope the coming weeks will see us spending time on the South side with the army guys. Being around that crowd makes life awesome.

-Angela
angelak: (Can't Run from Problems)
Oh, and it is to be noted that my brother turned 30 yesterday.
I wonder if Saturn will be teaching any harsh lessons for him soon?

-Angela
angelak: (Goddess)
What's up, FriendsList!?
It's almost 1700 and I should be making serious work progress. But I don't want to.


MERCURY HAS GONE DIRECT today, and it is my sister's 29th birthday. Sweet. You know... if I had to choose the personalities of my siblings, I would have never have created a unique blend that equates to who my sister is. And yet, I'm terribly proud of her, envious of her often, and confused by our ever-unexplainable relationship.

We're so alike. We're so different.
We will choose the exact same styles and like all the same things.
And yet we'll clash at times like oil and water.
Then other times... we'll be like peas in a pod.

Who knows.
I think our relationship is unlike... many sister-sister relationships. I mean, we're not ooey gooey, sappy. But then, I doubt Jill is anything like ooey gooey about pretty much anything.

She's unclassifiable.
As I get older, I'm a lot less inclined to compete, but we've always had a strange competitive streak at times. Often times, it's odd to be the younger sister and also at times make the first "moves," on certain things. For instance, in junior high and high school, I started dressing more girlie. My sister followed, after she first mocked the hell out of me.

I moved out first, she followed suit. Although, admittedly - she and her fella purchased their first home before me and Jimmers... :D

Anyways. Just rambling ... just procrastinating while I should be working. Supporting people with my technical prowess.

-Angela
angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
Today was pretty awesome. Maybe not quite Inna-awesome (reading her posts lately, wowzers), but awesome for what makes an Angela tick. So, I slept in. I like being productive and getting up early - but it's been a very "get rest," sort of tempo for the month of February. For whatever reason!!!

Also, Jim came to bed. I like to sleep next to him - so some weekends, I'll nurse those hours along on purpose.

Got up - went for a short run in the rain (3 miles or something). Came home, stretched briefly, headed out for the 1400 Bikram Yoga class. Happily had a strong class. Came home. Took a shower. Jim woke up while I was downstairs making mushrooms coated in wheatgerm with olive oil. We visited and chatted and had a nice hour or so with each other. I headed out to OLOTEAS. Went to Amy's workshop. Saw a few friends (way too brief) and headed out to visit with Jim since everyone but C had left. Not that C wasn't formidable company - but I was feelin' antsy.

Got to visit with Jimmers a bit longer and then ... we get to the fun part.
Earlier in the day, Rufus had a (SUPER) rare accident. ON the bed. Fortunately, I have my many reasons - but I have a waterproof mattress liner that I put underneath my sheets. For those of you who hate TMI - this is sad for you: As any man who has been with me for any amount of time will attest - there's a pretty good reason for this. There is no mistaking my sexual experience with the Sahara desert in the slightest. My mattress would smell like a skeezy sex-mattress without one, and for all intents and purposes, you just never know when a 14 year old dog is going to accidentally not bark for hours and then let loose his bladder on your bed. This doesn't happen with him. Apparently Jim thought I had let the dog out earlier in the day before he had went to bed, and I hadn't. Minor communication error between us. Usually he barks obnoxiously (to our benefit) every 2 minutes until we carry him down 2 flights of stairs and outside to his happy urinating spot, where he then makes his long 4 foot trek to the back stoop (if he doesn't accidentally wander to the neighbors' stoops and try and jump the single stair up). We let him jump his single stair and into the house. Old Ru doesn't do a lot of foot commuting these days :P And he is super blind, so... jeah. This time, he didn't bark. I guess it came upon him quick today.

Therefore, I washed all the bedding. Except... when the liner was dry, I was left to mess with it all by myself. Jim had already gone to work for the night. PISSY! I fought and fought and fought. My liner is ON, but it is not on the way I want it to be. This will work until Jim can help me.

Oh yeah. I saw my creepy uncle at OLOTEAS. Creepy.
I was at the sink and was going to put something in the sink or rinse off my plate, when I walked up and didn't recognize him. Until he walked past me. Creeped me out. Not a fan of this dude. Needless to say he didn't try and talk to me. Relieved! A couple weeks ago, my mom informed me that Uncle (Stephen) told Grandma and Grandpa that I went by "Abigail," to my friends at OLOTEAS. Um, sorry pal. Clean out the cotton balls from your ears, it's "Angela."
heh. Odd. I know I sound like a bitch - but it's seriously because I really dislike this guy.

I told Jim today that his nephews and me have a very different picture when they hear the word "uncle." His nephews ADORE him. He is their role model, their hero. My uncles were all retarded sleezebags who had pretty low intelligence. But actually - Uncle Stephen isn't dumb. He is pretty smart. He is just not the greatest human I know. He has brains in there. I just can't figure out why his social intelligence is so ehh. Weird. He is arrogant, and repelling in general. And apparently now he is butt ugly. When did he get so ugly? Wow. Sorry. My unabashed opinions don't cater to kindness. Do they? Oops. :)

How is it I have no uncles or aunts that I can really truly say are cool? My parents are rockstars. I adore them. But their siblings? Fucking whackjobs. :)
I think my one chance for an awesome aunt died at the age of 21 of leukemia. Bummer. Too bad she isn't around in an incarnate sort of way. It's okay. I think I know her in the other-worldly sense. Shout out to my dead Aunt Lori. Wish you had been around during my lifetime... but you were long gone. Word on the street is that you were pretty damned cool.

-Angela
angelak: (Lots of candles)
To start off with: Sorry for the typo's. I had no time to edit this.

I have not wrote a thing lately.
I took this week off and have been relaxing and exercising and just being. It's been great.
Last weekend was my immediate family's holiday party. Following that was a trip to Portland to do Jim's family party.
Christmas day was Grandma's like always.

I've been really happy lately, feeling very content.
This is a blessing and I have worked through some very narly life crap to reach this current point in my life.

I have been very social, and all that.
On our family party, my brother pretty much didn't show up because him and the wife were fighting. I've never viewed their relationship as stellar, but for the most part I say very little about it - and I respect his choice for what makes him happy in his life.

They had a hum-dinger fight on the 19th, and the following day they made up or whatever and him and his wife got to go hang out and celebrate family time with mom and dad, and not with the rest of our immediate sibs. My mom tried very hard to get the 3 of us kids back to do her own holiday gathering. She'd been really missing that.

Well, it was a pretty hum dinger like fight that made me feel pretty uncomfortable watching. She tends to be very dramatic and controlling, I won't go into talking about anything else. He accepts this and carries out his life pretty happily. Since his marriage, I rarely see him. That's been fine. I get it - we all grow and end up with our own separate lives. He works a heavy schedule in the last couple of years (he has rather).

There have been times I've felt however, that I can't get through to him - without being filtered through Melissa (the wife). She was the holder of the phone. When I'd call, no one would ever pick up. So I gave up. I stopped called about 3 years ago. She tends to hold a grudge and then stone wall people.
I'm not saying she doesn't have her positive sides, it's just that I've gotten to witness and FEEL the other side of her. IF I disagree and won't back down, she tends to shut down and then I find myself not getting allowed into their home, or even communicating with them for months. This is a true thing.

This time, I was reading an LJ-friends post on Christmas Day about emotional abuse. I wasn't thinking too heavily - I was just killing time while getting ready to leave. I remembered how miserable he had been the day of the 19th. He looked forlorn, lost, confused, and miserable. Not quite a broken man, but pushed to his absolute limits by parts of their relationship. I tried to be supportive but was obviously not in the arguement and knew little else of what was going on. I'm not in their relationship - I have no idea what most of their life LOOKS like. But I know she was calling my mom freaking out and saying she "hit a guard rail" and she needed James or she needed someone to come pick her up. She didn't hit a guardrail. She was just trying to get ANYONE to respond and pick up. He had went for a drive to the pass to try and sort his thoughts. It began to feel like manipulation, and it frankly unsettled me to watch her go from my brother - who stopped answering his phone, to my mom.

To her mom. Etc. Eventually they all said, "call 911 if there is a real problem - or go home and give the man an couple of hours to himself."

Anyways, after a dramatic holiday party I was left with just this image in my head. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind until I read the emotional abuse article the friend posted. I thought of James. (My brother).

I hesitated for a moment - then I thought, "there's no harm in sending some info about this, just in case. To people you love... sometimes it's good to make sure they're looking out for themselves."

I sent the following facebook message:

"http://hps-sterling.livejournal.com/539733.html?view=1738069&style=mine#t1738069

A friend on my list posted this. Unfortunately, I thought of you.
:(
Maybe this isn't at all what's up with your situation.
But it's good to be aware of these patterns anyway. For everyone. Even if you aren't experiencing it."

I promptly forgot I sent it on Xmas morning at all (around 7AM).

We went, had our holiday get together, and went home. I went about my business.
The following day I finally notice my phone is ringing (apparently I was too relaxed in the la la land of doing my own errands I didn't hear the first 6 calls).

He had been calling me over and over and over until I finally picked up. My brother normally doesn't DO this. I pick up, all chill. He pretty much starts freaking the hell out on me. He is sounding in intense emotional distress all over again.

He informs me first off that he's upset about the link I sent him. I'm thinking about what link I sent him at all, when he says "Melissa reads my email." Well, I don't think on these terms. No one reads my email. Last person who tried to read my email was Steve. I dumped him that day. It's not that Jim can't, we just tend to give each other space. When I write email to people, I have in mind that JUST they will see it. Well, he starts wigging out in all manner of near hysterics at me. My brother is a very laid back guy. He has never spoken to me, or acted this way towards me in all my life.

I am hindered here, I don't remember AT ALL what I wrote, at this point. I apologize, I try and say, "it shouldn't be a big deal if there isn't a problem," but he is off the deep end and not listening. He says there was a problem because THAT is what I think about him and his marriage. He tells me it's my fault and I've opened up all of their problems all over again - and I say, "I won't take responsibility for that. That's not my fault." I try and say, "if someone sent that to me about me and Jim, we'd shrug it off and say thanks for caring but uh, we're fine."

I tried to tell him I had no idea what their marriage was like, that I couldn't know what it was like. That I never get to see him or her for that matter. He goes off on hoiw much he's working. He goes off on how the fertility drugs that she is taking is why she's acting wacko, that it's stressful and that they want a kid. I know all this already, I'm getting overwhelmed with the situation, I have no idea what to say anymore. I'm in shock.

I say something like, "well if it's not working then it's not working! Maybe you shouldn't have a kid" mistake, that isn't what I meant to say - I was just panicking from being verbally screamed at by my "never raise his voice" brother. I realize she is sitting right next to him. I realize SHE had to have wanted him to call me, and he was so angry that the link she found opened up her anger all over again - all her problems with the situation that had been happening exactly a week prior.

I'm at a loss. I try and inject logic, saying I was sorry - but I had no idea what else I wrote when I sent the link. I hadn't expected a fight to be born out of it, I had expected if anything for it to be shrugged off.

No, not at all. I finally hang up after saying something like, "I can't do this anymore."
I wasn't going to revoke my thoughts, I said I THOUGHT of him, I didn't say I was CERTAIN this was the case. I felt pretty lousy in general, but knew it was too late. I had sent the informational link.
If anything, I felt like this was proving the point of a problem - but wished for half a minute I hadn't sent it.

Was I being too meddlesome? Well, no one had told me any more after the argument. In my mind, information like this can help people - or it can be one of those things you're like, "k, you're over reacting about my situation." I just got to watch everyone go through it. I just got to watch his tears, watch his gut wrenching pain. He tried to tell me all relationships get rocky and that I should know because I'd been through some.
He told me his marriage was happy and great. I said "well fantastic! Then this post is pretty much null!" But he kept going on and on. ANd persisting on the phone, not letting me go.

I also didn't marry these people I had the most rocky times with. I also moved on eventually and learned that sometimes - the way people treat you emotionally that puts you at these points is really not worth it. But I didn't say that.

The intent behind sending the entry she wrote was not to break them up - to be a threat. It was to try and help him be sure he was empowered, to make sure he has the best happiness in his life. I know it's up to him, and that I have no impact over that. But the level I care for this guy is pretty deep. It breaks me up to see him so miserable. He was miserable, both weekends.

My wish for him is ultimate happiness, and empowerment. I don't care if he stays with this woman, as long as they are healthy together. If they aren't - it still has nothing to do with my directly. Big picture - who cares what anyone else thinks of your relationship? I learned that as a 19 year old dating a 47 year old. I had to let go of that stuff.
Oddly - I learned about emotional abuse most from THAT relationship.

To be noted, I took the quiz myself, I asked myself if I or Jim were doing these things to each other, before I sent the link to James also. I wanted to check in with myself. We all are human and forget that our actions aren't always what they seem. I like to be sure I'm treating and being treated the best in intimate relationships. I was accessing the info from this standpoint, viewpoint. :( I'm so dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a long while. Remember the stone walling? I predict the rest of the marriage will be a stone walled thing.
Happy Holidays!

-Angela
angelak: (Coffee is an addiction)
I am so glad to be back home from Portland.
Although it is nice to see the family folks on Jim's side, it is also exhausting by the end of a 1-2 day stint. It is all the drama that every family has that gets me.

But every family has its own little drama field.
They are very much different folks than our own family - in many ways. And then at times they are not so different from my own family...

The undertone of communication is different.
The life lessons for each person is obviously different.
But the same patterns of behavior in certain branches is actually strikingly the same.
So weird.

WE also met up with a couple of Jim's friend in Portland itself (his mom and Grandma live in Woodburn which is south of Portland). Needless to say it was fun with them, but I was mildly regretful of my choice for dinner. I chose a fish sandwich that turned out to be kind of blah.

I had wished I had eaten chicken wings instead :P

None the less. Out and on the road and back home had us relaxing in our own peaceful dwelling once again.
Now I have work to get back to, and life to try not to think too hard about. And coffee to retrieve. Because I deserve it.

-Angela
angelak: (Rufus Swimming)
To check out just how spoiled my dog is...
Go here to see his birthday fun :P
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24197129@N08/sets/72157615707906426/detail/

-Angela
angelak: (Smirking)
My sister is an artist.
She's trying to sell her art.

You can check them out here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6853974&ga_search_query=jillsanto&ga_search_type=seller_usernames

Please, pass this on to anyone you think would enjoy and be interested!!!!

-Angela

My brother

Mar. 26th, 2008 08:42 am
angelak: (Roses)
Random.
I miss my brother.
I wrote an email that reminded me of something he would say for some reason. I have a tendency to re-read stuff before I send it out... this particular email had a James flavor to it.

I used to have a lot of people (and I am not talking about on this list or in the community) ... well, days gone by, who were my best pals and then one day things shifted. And now they're just sort of... inaccessible.

It reminds me to take no current flow of relationships for granted, because you never know when lives will shift and you will be transitioned out of a regular part of the lives.

I used to spend a lot of time hanging out with my brother.
Now it has been years. *sigh* What a life, right?
Not really complaining, just wishing it wasn't a rare thing to be in his life.
Oh well. With Melissa around and the close runner up of Boeing - I know life is just not likely to return to a "James" filled state.

-Angela

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