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Mr. Green

Jan. 6th, 2015 05:41 pm
angelak: (Hold My Hand)
He was blonde with long hair just below shoulder length that he kept in a ponytail regularly, and vibrant green eyes. I was 14, and he was 13. It was the summer that I changed which name I went by, so he knew me as Angela. It dawns on me now that I may have been (not that I would know for sure) really one of a very small handful of people he ever lived to form a crush on. It's an odd thought; because I mostly did not think of it from that sort of angle at the time. I thought of it largely from my own perspective.

He had the nickname "Mr. Green," which had little to do with his name at all. Maybe it was about his distinctive green eyes, I never questioned it at the time. We would become natural, easy friends - in short order, it was a connection that had the feel of a much longer history. Which was unique for a couple of just-teen kids. Our purpose was as volunteers at a cub scout daycamp.

He was an actor and a singer already at age 13. I found him fascinating, and for some reason he liked me. My newest nickname around the camp became Mrs. Green. A small thrill and victory it seemed, we loved that notion - the two of us both. I suppose we made our kinship obvious - perhaps it may have been that he sang numerous songs (among my favorite, "Luck be a Lady," which he sang just for me) and did a couple of monologues for me. I was astounded by his talent and livelihood. In particular his adept ability to memorize large amounts with that astounding efficiency. He was obviously a bright kid. It wasn't something I could do, and I knew it. He was so purely good at acting; at emoting, at being so human.

There was a long break where we had no station to be that we sat under a windmill and talked. He had a non identical twin brother and we enjoyed making fun of him for a while. His twin had none of the same hobbies. I think his twin liked sports, but I rarely spent much time paying attention to the other boy. They were very different boys. Mr. Green said to me then, "I'm going to tell you my life story," and proceeded to tell me all of the things that he felt were notable that had happened in his life. I remember this feeling of extreme gratitude and honor that he would share himself with me like this, because it really was a summary of his entire life he shared with me. Speaking directly of school, and recent events regarding his dark poetry that apparently got him nearly suspended. It wasn't violent poetry; he admitted that he merely had emotions that were real; that were not always happy. He was a very chipper, happy child. There wasn't a doubt in my mind, and why he felt he needed to talk to me - I never knew. Also an odd thing to say, "let me tell you my life story." I suppose it makes sense if you're a dramatic type. Except that we shared innocent moments that felt like eternally special ones to both of us. I don't much remember what I offered him in return, honestly - except that I understood. Maybe that was all that was needed; how often are teens understood?

He talked about acting, about his love for singing - and how he intentionally wrote happier poetry so they would stop trying to "get him help." He was very convinced he didn't need help, that he just felt dark sometimes. I understood. I really think it all connected him with being able to project as an actor; but people don't trust that of kids. He was ahead of his time with that.

He taught me funny vocabulary words and we exchanged phone numbers. (He wrote on a scrap of paper that I still keep somewhere "Defenistrate. To throw out the window.")
We did not go to the same school or live in the same city. We spoke a small handful of times and it was always special. There was little to be done with our connection. We had separate lives and were too young for more than that.
We would see each other once a year at the same volunteer event.

I often wonder who he would be today. His talent in acting was acute and strong; but his singing voice was even stronger. The last time I saw him we were all in a group, getting ready to depart near a shopping mall. We were listening to "Kryptonite," and everybody singing along. There were few and far between hugs that we shared, and as we departed we made the rounds. It was the last hug we would share.

It was the second year in a row and so we all knew each other much better, after that goodbye.
The year passed and I was 16. It was early October when my friend messaged me over the internet; the days before cell phones and smart phones.
It was an Instant Message. Not exactly the best way to find out.
Mr. Green was dead.

At the age of 15; he had already been to Broadway and performed once. He told me about it and it had been the highlight of his life. (In a phone call.)

And yet at 15 was when an actual curtain call happened. I heard that it was on one of those dark, rainy October mornings, the middle aged woman sped through a school zone in an SUV while Mr. Green crossed in the crosswalk.

All reports (of which there were many) said he was merely crossing after looking both ways, and that he couldn't have done anything different to avoid his death. She was moving too fast and killed him.

I haven't thought of him in several years. He would have been 29 had he continued aging.
Strangely enough I think he was born in January.


angelak: (Pretty Dolphins Heart Shaped)
Today, it has become super obvious how lucky I am in a lot of respects. I have a life filled with people that are all amazing. We’re talking some seriously awesome people, all touching my life somehow. I fall in love with people very easily, for one thing. You don’t even have to be sexual with me, and I fall in love with you. This, as I see it – is only a good thing. The downside is my global reach of these people. Good, so good. Bad too, because I use the word love frequently, but not lightly. There are names for some of you, but these people are all over the World those that I *love* deeply. This means I miss them with great measure. Really, truly Miss them, with a capitol M.

I don't care about other folks who may be hesitant to express themselves as deeply or freely. Eat shit, and die. Word mechanics.

And because I went to TT, naturally my time off (paid anyway) is pretty light. I am waiting to bank more time. It happens relatively easily here at this place of employment, but at the same time I have a lot of people I want to see. People all over, like I said.
It’s worth it to have this dilemma. A few people I can think of right off, are both in and outside of the Bikram Yoga community.

There’s definitely Katty, Thomas, Gordon, Olga, Nancy, Ula, and yes I will be seeing Ann-Marie soon here at TT, and SALLIE!!!

And then there’s my CGW crew. Focusing on my Yoga-sphere, I have been unable to see Steve and Erin, Rachelle, Matty, and many others… due to this dilemma of awesome all over my life. I Miss them too!

Due to the yoga-rific parts of my life, I’ve been definitely hitting the plans to see first and foremost, Katty. She’s the most local. Vancouver BC is a stone throw away from the Seattle area. I also need to make time to fly down to San Fran eventually and pester Thomas. But that’s later. And of course, Gordon wants me to teach at his studio in NZ (yes you read that right) eventually.

And then there are those outside of the country (like Gordon.) Karoline, Renata, people I don’t know the nature or probability of seeing any time soon.
Anyway. This post really has more to do with the fact that there are people I am dying to see, miss seeing, am blessed to have spent everyday time with them for a period of time. I knew I was lucky with the opportunity at Teacher Training. I knew it was a beautiful thing, even if it was hard, a bit pain staking a times…
In other news.

It is also hard to squeeze in traveling sometimes, due to my life situations. Teaching, working at the Quah, taking care of the family right now. But fortunately for me, tomorrow I fly to LA to visit Spring Teacher Training 2012, to be on the “other” side, and later in the month, 21-24th, I will be going to Vancouver BC to see Aussie Joel and Katty once again – and mayyyybe, if I am lucky… Rachelle?! We’ll see.

The nature of this post definitely mirrors the fact that one day, I want to see these people again. And I want to keep them close to me somehow, even though I can’t see all of them immediately.

I think it’s possible. :)

If you are one of the people I have fallen for, don’t worry. I intend on finding you again :)
You may or may not know who you are.
And yes. Some of you are local to Seattle too. ;)

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
6 classes are on my schedule for this yoga teaching week for me. I am so happy about this. Last time I taught 6 in a 4 day span, my teaching changed and I stopped sounding as rough around the edges when I replayed my recording of my classes.

On Thursday - weather permitting, begins my Yoga teaching week. YogaMonday. It's equipped with an immediate mentor class, which is fitting for a Monday. One of those things that I detest. Rates up there with root canals and a punch in the face. That's okay! I'm muddling through mentor-ship. I look forward to this week, I teach a double on Saturday and a double on Sunday. It's a shitty deal that my first class of the week is the "mentor" class, but it is what it is. I tend to warm up and get words back loaded into my brain, even though I study during the week. Sometimes.

This week I haven't been studying as much, even if I was ambitious last week. I can't deny it. I fully enjoyed stepping away, 100%, last weekend. 3 day weekend, blissful.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday were hard to get back into gear.
I think my brain is struggling sometimes to stay focused on studying when I get a spare minute. It's okay though.

Been pretty happy lately... got some great friends around, having the right relationship experiences for this period of my life - not overdoing it. It seems a friend of mine said he would imagine I'd have the pick of the men I'd want. This wasn't really something that I felt I had. And yet ever since I went away to TT, it's like my clear everything (chakras, life purpose, commitment, whatever) is causing me to be more attractive than I think I have ever been in my life. It has nothing to do with the physical, but people have been drawn to me lately. I'm so unused to it, so unprepared, all of it. Men abound. This isn't bad. My fragile ego could use a boost. It's becoming less fragile, after all. Teaching, with all its perils, is changing me. TT did change me. And yet I only have time and energy for a select amount of relationship/interaction/whatever the fuck you want to call it - with men. There's my main squeeze, Jim - the wonderful, who is actually a lot less in regards of energy to maintain at times... and one other person. I'm honestly not interested, nor have the energy, focus, inclination to expand beyond this currently. I need time to study, I need time to teach, I need time to work, and while it appears I'm attractive and desirable to a number of people that I may or may not find engaging in this fashion, I simply do not have more of me to go around. Take that as nastily as you like. Also, I've always been a simple creature in this respect. This is why while I've been poly a long time, there has always been that frequent rumor about my monogamous nature. Hahaha.

*shrugs* What can I say... but who knows. I also hate that I have so much propensity for relationship access (it feels weird even writing about this in a way, but here it is, like always, out in the open) and yet Jim is kind of on the down side of that. He claims the women out there in the poly community are not nearly as attractive as the men that I have available. I'm not so sure this is true. There's me, after all..........

None the less. When you sit in your house, on your computer, for most of your off hours - rather than spending months immersed in variant communities, both poly and not poly - communities, well. You get what you get. And yet the disparity still remains. I try not to worry too heavily on this; that issue is definitely his personal issue. But it remains - I will always care, and that is the issue. I care a lot about his feelings. ;)

And while you could say my crowds are suited to this situation - I find it is also a numbers game, just like monogamous dating. Not that I play games, and not that it is about numbers. It is sheer happenstance for me, and at times I felt I would remain single'y poly. Meaning, just with my main squeeze. *(I hate the term primary partner.......I donno why).
Also, lately - I am managing to see friends that matter to me, all kinds of friends. Perhaps my study time suffers, but my heart doesn't for these friends build me a solid, contented place from which to draw my energy off of. And lastly, I am managing my workouts the best I can, trying to maintain my own practice, run a little, CT a little. Nuts. I tell you. Nuts.
So, it's been blowing my mind the number of men interested, and it is all because I am out living my life, feeling my purpose, and happy to touch the lives of others - completely preoccupied with life rather than dating. That is for certain. And what does "dating" mean anyway? Classification gets messier and messier if you get too attached to it. That's also certain.

Some days, I am so busy. I know I am miserable when I am not busy. This also is true. And I have a lot of ambitions that are in the pike for 2012. Honestly. I'm terrified in a sense. I want to get more involved in the Mass team, I want to deacon. But also, I am really, seriously considering attempting the whole "Rite of Sol" involvement this year. I'm not sure how, what, or where in my right mind I think I can do all of this. But I actually, truly, think I can find a way to make it all happen. I keep putting that positive affirmation out there, and truly believing inside, deep down too. Does that make me clinically insane? Memorize, memorize, memorize. Memorize. Explosive things in my life. I'm sick of sitting on my spiritual journey and stuffing it into a box that is there "if I have time." When I was at TT, the first two weeks reminded me of how much I have been stuffing it into the background of my life. That is why these other two things are coming to the forefront... but how the fuck do I think I can do all this? I think I can. It's so very weird, but I think I can squeeze it all in. I guess that's my lot in life. I'm not satisfied unless I'm taking on things that are big, exciting, new, growth oriented. Sit me in a corner and leave me inside my house and I'll turn into a crazy lady. REALLY. Let me out and let me take on things that scare the shit out of me, feel above my level, and give me something to reach for... and I'm blissed out. Just don't criticize me. I'll bawl behind your back, smiling to your face. A weakness I have.

This year I am also very aware that I need to work on "getting out of my head." All the important and even some not so important people lately have been giving me the knowing eye ball look, and mentioning how "in my head," I am. Like. 6 different people in 2 weeks... look, Universe. I get it. I promise to work on it this year. 2012. Out of my mind. Get with getting out of my mind. Got it.

A big one? I'm also blown away by the quality of people in my life these days. It's been messing with my mind. I have some really amazing connections, and I am grateful for all of them. Everyday.

angelak: (Lots of candles)
SPARE TIME! I could be studying, but today I need to write a little more. This week has been great. I was super tired on Saturday, and particularly Sunday morning. My whole being was a little fatigued; I think it was the yoga catching up with me. 50some classes in 5 weeks will do that to you, I suppose. But Monday went well. Nailed Cobra – I did well. I felt like myself while delivering the posture and something about the way my voice echoed in the cabana of the posture clinic room was pretty impressive. Like somehow in that moment I heard myself, I was stepping up and taking ownership of my future in teaching.
Then we had a hot class with Bikram but Bikram was too tired and unhappy about how hot it was and his AC on the podium wasn’t working properly. I laughed a lot because he was fucking with his ice bucket and the microphone was catching it and amplifying his ice pilfering throughout the class. That made me amused. Then we didn’t have posture clinic after class, but lecture/movie. That was awesome as far as I was concerned. Then we only stayed up until 1AM – which honestly is not that late in this yoga bubble.
I had even had a chance between studying and eating and lecture, to hit a nap. I was energetic through the movie session. But then we went to bed early at 1AM… got up and Tuesday started. A nice lady taught – the same lady who I delivered Cobra to. I had a good class and while my tendon felt a little tender (more than it has in weeks) I figured I’d take it easy on those tendon oriented postures and rock out the rest. That worked.

Then we had lecture!!!! MORE TIME TO STUDY BEFORE posture clinic, so I was happy. Emmy lectured and I always enjoy these lectures. A lot of people don’t…….. I take a lot of notes on what Emmy speaks about. They are the things I used to spend my spare time researching just for fun, but she is talking about them. Bodies and problems and what’s what. I’m happy about this sort of thing, but a lot of people ignore it and write it off as useless.

Then Emmy decided to do Spine Twist adjustments. One by one. THIS IS TEDIOUS for a crowd to sit through, but I was just happy to not be delivering Locust just yet. At the end, my buddies were getting cranky. I also visited some other people during this time and there were people doing a lot of complaining today. I felt rested, fresh, happy to be here today – but as more and more people around me expressed negativity, the more and more I felt my glow start to wane. And what I think bothers me is when people are knocking the experience here altogether. I’m here and every day I feel really glad I came here, even when things get hard. I am glad I left my everyday Issaquah grind to do, think, feel something ANYTHING other than IT work. This whole thing, not going to the office for 9 weeks straight is so valuable to me, I can’t put it into words. And trying to express this, someone of course said something like, “well you better change your life.” Or “get a new job.” You don’t know anything about my life, you don’t know anything about what I went through to get here and what this means to me. Funny – its easy for people to make comments when they know NOTHING about your life, isn’t it?

The negativity at times drags at me. The gossip. It’s like someone cracks the seal on me sometimes and slowly pours out my life force… I’m not seniorita optimistic, but I am so happy to be here, happy I got to do this, still in disbelief that this is my life, that I really get to work on this. I know it’s not as bad as I imagined it to be, to go through all this – so I try and carry myself through with these thoughts… not the converse. I just want to have fun, not to wallow in my own misery… which this is honestly not that miserable. Sure, there’s some ridiculous bullshit that goes on here. I’m not going to lie. There’s extremely irritating things that happen. But I know personally I will miss the company, the people I’ve gotten to know – the ease of calling any of these people up and being able to meet in the hallway at any time without spending a fuckton of money to visit them.
I miss Jim a lot because now I know why I’m so drawn to him. He is always there to fill up my energetic cup. He’s always a source of brilliant, beautiful, energy. His life perspective and his natural way of making things make sense are beyond valuable. I don’t think I’ll be able to come home and look at him the same ever again. Attitude is contagious. I choose to be around him; I’d rather be someone that people only remember laughing around – rather than anything else. And right now I’m having to dig deep and fill my own cup up. But he’s always a phone call away.

Right now all I can see and hear is the echos of his smile and giggles. It’s a relief to leave the lecture behind me and be ready for our class at 5PM.

I know personally I will miss a lot of things here. And to those who won’t miss the company, the silly jokes and memories being created… wow.

As I wrote on my facebook status (want to save it for LJ reading later):
The words we say, the energy we put out - is connected between each and every one of us. Sitting in a chair for a couple of hours is a small task to be asked of us compared to what real hardships exist in this World. I am here to follow my passion - and sometimes it's easy to lose sight of it through the energetic pollution of cranky folks. So I'm reaffirming that I am so lucky to be here - so lucky to get the chance to become a teacher and one day give to students that I haven't even met yet. Such deep gratitude for this opportunity in my life. It would make me nothing more joyful than to serve in this Yoga.

angelak: (HairSide)
Back to LJ after wandering around Seattle with Auzzie friend, Joel – as I said. It was a weird kind of vacation where I tourist-ed my own major city (local). Trying to figure out things to do is only hard if you don’t have the Seattle City Pass – and I am slowly learning to become proficient in touring people around. I wasn’t so great initially, funnily enough Steve Pavlina was my first “touree” so to speak, and also I didn’t really feel that great. I take that back, Frenchie Sylvain was my first touree.

Basically this is what we covered in the course of 4 days:

• Seattle Space needle twice (once during the day, once at night)
• Seattle Aquarium, fishies!
• Elliot Bay cruise (I’m on a BOAT!)
• Seattle Science Center, with an IMAX movie about Louis and Clark, the people who discovered the West coast of the US, after the Indians did of course
• Museum of Flight
• 3 hour drive up to the Wa Peninsula to see Lake Quinault and Kalaloch, the ocean
• Showed him Walmart, he’d never been in one
• Shopped in Fry’s electronic superstore

Tried to take him to a local lake and park in my city, but it was taken over by Iranians and a New year celebration.... so we didn't get out. Park was over-packed.
Not a bad list of stuff considering!!!

Joel left us his ticket for the Experience Music Project, so Jim and I will check that out together. We ran out of time for that, and neither Jim or I have been to it, and Joel apparently visited it last time he was in Seattle.

A lot of stuff, considering I haven’t done the majority of this stuff in the last 15-20 years, if ever.

Also to be noted, I ran into Kate – my cousin, at Pacific Science Center. It really happened because we were hanging around the lego-car track and I heard some lady scolding a child for not letting the little cars go around the track (he was hanging onto it too long). She was working there, the one staffing the lego display at the Science Center shop. I had been just thinking how hellish it would be to work near the shop....... children running amuck! There was an unmistakable Croston tone in the mix. It caught my attention and I was about to make a mental comment about it to myself, (wow, that lady is …) and I never got to fill in my thought. Reading her nametag and given my familiarity with my once-often seen in childhood cousin, I was like. “oh. That’s my cousin.”

Different than my feelings towards my cousins in the California… the Croston’s energy doesn’t always align with my own. As in, it meshes far differently and less innately comfortable. I don’t have as much in common – (doesn’t mean they’re any less family, or any less pleasant as people, it just means I relate more with the other side of the fam).

It’s interesting because my Dad rejects the other cousins solely based off of Lisa, his sister. It is one of the rare, unreasonable things I’ve seen my Dad respond to. His choice, however – I grew up with NO notion of even realizing they exist, besides a few not-so-positive statements, so as a kid you think, “oh, if Dad thinks they’re not worth knowing… well of course they’re not.”

The closed mindedness never gave me a reason to give pause to them until much later.
Then one day I saw them on Facebook. Odd, but unlike so many people, my family ties have been pretty much weakened and only now in adulthood do I really realize it’s up to me from here on out.
From my perspective, both of my parents weren't into "family" networking beyond our own family unit, intentional or not. I often look at how other people talk about their family network and see that our way was a little unorthodox, if I do say so myself. But then, normal is pretty much the most unusual adjective that exists. While Kate is obviously very different than me, (she’s more Croston, I’m sorry – I just don’t fit in with the Croston’s sometimes…) and I’ve got a very Santo vibe. It’s just there. I wouldn't have quite understood that until getting to know more extended family over the last year on any preliminary levels.

Digression: It was Very pleasant to see Kate. She’s clearly a very enthusiastic, sweet lady. With a hug and an uncertainty as to what else to say, I took Mister Auzzie onwards in the Science Center.
I hadn’t seen Kate in 15+ years. And she’s LOCAL, unlike the SoCal Santo Clan.

As for Auzzie. I knew instantly I’d miss him once he left. I did however, enjoy reading his travel posts and am wondering why he hasn’t updated his SF day 1~~!!


To see his blog ;)
Anything else I’m not thinking of right now, I just felt like it was high time to update. It’s been a busy few days and I am still catching up on my life that I sort of put on hold to spend quality time with a quality friend. Will continue on operation clean the house now that my guest has vacated ;)

angelak: (Smile Like You Mean It)
Looks like it's Thursday already. Looks like I have an ultra long weekend ahead of me, as in - I'm taking off Friday and Monday, on top of my regular schedule. Happy to be picking up Joel from Australia from Seattle. He flew in yesterday from down under, and we'll be kickin' it in the 'Quah, after we chillax in Seattle for a while. Also have plans to drive out to the peninsula and check out a few of my favorite spots: Kalaloch and Lake Quinault. I'm not sure what the actual plan *plan* is quite yet, but I do know that Jim also happens to have Sat/Sun off.

If nothing else, builds the option of more freedom: regarding Amber.

Having finished my workout on lunch today, I'm all set for the evening to slack and hang. I hope he can handle our household for a few days, as he'll be crashing in our spare room. (It's actually quite deluxe.) It even has a real mattress now, instead of an airbed. That's the latest addition, as Jim and I replaced our old mattress, therefore sending it down the guest room. No box-spring, but it's not bad for a few nights to crash on.

This part of Joel's trip kicks off his US-Canada tour. Starting here. Oddly, he was going to make it his last stop, but it's been switched. This isn't too bad! I hope I'm as exciting as I seemed at CGW5, jeh?

Speaking of Amber... it seems my CT session #2 revealed her figuring out that as long as she slowly takes 1 paw at a time, she can get off the mattress after all. And worry me with my 20 pound dumb bells... Damnit!

Anyway. Off to finish my work day, so I can play.

angelak: (Make a wish)
The weekend was a whirlwind of awesome. It started with the unexpected invitation from Mel to go see Kelsi perform in the UW choir that she is a part of (I didn't even know she was in a choir), on Friday night. Most Friday nights consist of solo things. For the past couple of years, I almost began dreading the boring Friday night. So I immersed myself in Yoga or Running or basketweaving or watching movies, to hide the fact that my social life was dead.

So, Friday was refreshing. Heard the choir sing, got to hang out with Mel. We had coffee and tea after the performance. I found out that while I was away on holiday in California, Kelsi and Shane got a new house rental! So they were moving, and immediately following our visit to the Seattle Center House, I got to see their new home! It's in Milton, which is a ways out, but far better of a place than the Kent townhome they were renting before.

Apparently the owner was selling this shiny Milton home for around $265k, and renting it for a cool $1500. It was hard not to look at the home with it's shiny bedrooms, single-family-home style, and acre of land think... DAMNIT.

My own home is awesome, and we paid $288k for it. It's in ISSAQUAH though. And the state of being that it is, Issaquah is a nice area to live. Location, location, location - is what we pay for. My mom reminded me this weekend that the choices I made about my current home happened with the pressure of my old landlord asking me to leave in 45 days (I had a month to month lease prior). And I am VERY VERY happy for Kelsi and Shane to have a wonderful home. 4 bedrooms, with a den. It's spacious, with pretty stone work and a great awesome deck that has stairs that go down to the yard.

Very, very cool. I was also feeling happy I got to see it right away. The whole thing apparently happened like WHAM bam, so that's cool too.

I have a lot of house thoughts, but for the moment of getting to the weekend updates, that was Friday night! Stayed out super late. Drove home, got up in the morning for my Private Investigator seminar in Seattle with Linda Montgomery. This was an amazing experience, got my certificate so that when I find someone to employ me, I can get my license. (Have to get the certificate, then a license.)

That took up most of Saturday - and at the end of the meeting I went up to Snohomish and spent some evening time with my parents.

Sunday, I slept in, went for a run, and then met up with Jessie to work on self defense moves. We fleshed out our self defense workshop material for the workshops we will be doing soon here. Jessie is an awesome partner with this for me. She has all the great moves, she coaches me, and I have a lot of the finer self defense mindset information and am good at presenting that. We will be the perfect team for this.

After going to the West Seattle community center and using their space to practice on each other, we finally hung out and relaxed. Decided we'll be getting together Wednesday this week to go over more and get some bigger men to practice on.

After that, we went back, met up with Vicki, Roby came over, and then the 4 of us went to dinner. And after that we went to see Harry Potter!!!!! I called up Jim to see if he was interested, and he met us at the theatre. I was sooooo excited to finally see HP, and it was AWESOME to get to see it with my beloveds.

After that, drove home and went to bed.

The weekend was packed. And teh work week feels packed already. We are all lucky I took time out to write an entry, but I have my 2 entries per week quota!!!!

angelak: (Default)
It's been a wild month. I last posted on the 6th of October. Here I am! I'm here, folks.
Let's see. The month of October was exciting. I started becoming more social, connecting with more people before my Conscious Growth Workshop with Steve Pavlina and company. Met up with Alex Gwozda, forged a friendship with him pre-workshop. Found out he was going to Las Vegas at the end of the month also.

Holidays have been a little off-kilter for me so far. Jim's favorite holiday IS Halloween. Last year we threw an awesome Samhain bash in style. This year, I headed off to Las Vegas for the workshop - just over 1 year after my first workshop experience.

I wish I could put the workshop experience into an LJ entry, but I don't think I have enough time or sanity to do that ;)

This time I chose to go sans-Jim to connect and spend time immersed with my fellow work-shoppers networking and having a good time. Not that Jim isn't a good time ;)

Met a lot of awesome people, really enjoyed connecting. Met a hot Russian who lives in Santa Barbara (here-after referred to as Sasha)- a Frenchman, hung out with some folks from Belgium, Holland, Israel, and many other far, far away places :) I can't get enough of World View Expansion by making friends with people from all over the World. It awakens me, makes me feel inspired, makes me feel a little less isolated in the Empire of the US.

Coping with NRE over long distance for the moment regarding Sasha, and balancing what exactly it is.

Was not at all expecting to forge any love-connections while away on holiday, but sometimes some of the most awesome things happen to us when we aren't looking for them. In this case, I've got to say - I find it pretty awesome and I'm enjoying the learning experiences for what they are.

Post-workshop, I am definitely enjoying more continued follow up from work shop friends and loves. It's been wonderful.

Saw some old friends, met some new ones. Connected with Steve and Rachelle - was able to go to his house and hang out. Satisfying for Pavlina to prepare me a tasty green smoothie in his own pad.

Presented a mini-workshop on Self Defense to a sizable group on the second day of workshop during our lunch break. This was a success. Although I admit, it piqued my interested for MORE time with people, because I had way too little time to get into much of anything. I'm afraid I could go on and on about tactical mindsets - and that doesn't include any movements.

Had many small break through moments about my life in general. A little scary to return home after a lot of touch-oriented love connections, to my "Quality Time," love style boyfriend. I definitely had a re-adjustment period. I also had an explosion of friend-connecting, and traveling around already. Following weekend, I drove to meet Lianna in Central WA, the next day I drove to Portland, OR. And the following week Sylvain from France came to stay a couple of days on his tour of the Pac-NW area. After that he jetted on down to San Diego to hang out with a friend of ours: Erica Douglass.

And then finally I took some time to myself last weekend, re-centering, not on a go-go-go mentality. Yesterday I did go visit Alex G. at his place. I ended up staying up way too late talking to Alex and his boyfriend Alex.......

And so today I was feeling crabby at users and overly sensitive.
Other successes would be my new successes eating predominantly raw foods. I'm a Flexitarian who pretty much never eats meat these days. I avoid cooked food - but do not place myself in a box or limit where I'm headed with that. I don't like to make a big deal about that. I just like to roll with the flow and see how that works, and not pressure myself into things.

I had spent 2010 trying to force myself, fight through everything - and while my intentions of positive change were noble, I was sabotaging myself by putting so much pressure and anal retentive over-planning to the world and giving away to fears and tiny hesitations in my life that I would stagnant more than I needed to!!!!

Have a few things in the pike for the following month, and am committing to making some actual moves instead of just conceptualizing, which I have been doing for about a year now.
I think I will make a benchmark requirement on myself though, to post a live journal entry at least twice a week. I hate to think that I lost a lot of valuable archiving about what is going on in my life. Especially since 2010 LJ momentum for me has been so slow. So here goes that new goal. This counts as time #1 for this week!

I know Liannaberry would appreciate the updates. Facebook is not good for actual record keeping. What I write I will never be able to look at 2 months from now, or 2 years.

angelak: (Deep Thought)
The busy life has been catching up with me, at last. SO much going on lately. I love it!
2 weekends ago, I was busy... but all I remember was Lianna visiting. I did other things too. I just forget what they were. Saturday? I did something on Saturday, 2 weeks ago.

Well, I'll just have to recall what I DO have recent!
Friday night was awesome. Steve Pavlina was in Seattle on a Pacific Northwest trip. I ran away from work a tad bit early, in order to beat Seattle traffic and meet up with Steve and Rachelle in Seattle. We went to the first Starbucks near Pike Place, walked around looking for my car (ugh, it was hard to get to in some strange parking garage) and then drove over to Cap Hill where they were staying. Normally I go to see the Rites of series, but this weekend I didn't. Seeing as Steve will probably not be in town for years to come, I jumped at the chance to hang in my hometown with him and Rachelle.

Momentarily chaotic on Cap Hill, I had to pee and park and.

Happily, I made it to Toys in Babeland before I met up with Steve and Rachelle - I had been planning on dropping by and making an awesome purchase there. :D :D So I had that chance, but I had to squeeze it in before meeting up with them at the Harbor Steps.

We went to an awesome Vegan restaurant called "The Plum." I drove by the performance hall that all my pals were performing in :X and kind of looked longing at the Hugo house.

We joked around in Value Village with SP and R. I found Jim some spaghetti factory glasses. I'm redeemed from that one time I broke one of his favorite glasses, by buying 4 more.

Finally went out to dinner. Ate some DELISH Vegan food, and then drove them to their hotel so they could pick up the movie "Sleepless in Seattle." They came over to my house !!! and we watched Sleepless in Seattle. We had a blast. SP and R really tend to embody the "let's crack sick jokes," aspect that people have long known me for. So it was one, joke cracking evening.

Driving home after taking them to their room for the night (at like 2:30AM) I was imagining what I would have said to you, had you told me pre-October 2009 that a year later I'd be hanging out in my Den, showing Steve and his gf a movie, dining out in Seattle with them. (Well, his gf didn't really know him pre Oct 09). I would not have believed you. Of course. It was pretty bad when my OLD DVD player started shitting out, and we had to migrate upstairs to our very messy bedroom.
Funnily enough, we have no TVs that are not situated in from of beds...

I can now claim I had Steve and Rachelle in both of the beds that exist in my house.

I had a lot of fun, needless to say.
And on Saturday, I dragged my ass out of bed to hit Salmon Days. At 8AM, after hitting the sack at 3ish, I got up to help film the parade. Later that day I came home, and then visited the event itself with Jim.

On Sunday, I did more Salmon Days, and then met up with Alex Wu from Ottawa, and Alex G from Seattle, along with some other new people I had never met before. We went to Thrive in Seattle (raw vegan place that I love!).

So much fun, also. Later that day I spent the rest of the evening in bed with Jim, watching educational documentaries and hanging out. It has been wonderful. 2 weeks ago, we found out he had been transferred to days, after MONTHS of requesting this shift. It happened JUST prior to a vacation he had requested, so he went on a 1 week vacation (his mom came to visit, I will have to write about that later because I had an a-doc apt soon!) So, as of yesterday he had his first day on the day shift of backroom team. (He's been overnight backroom for nearly 3 years now).

The weekend pretty much rocked.
I am all booked and have time off for the end of this month to go to Vegas. I have a roomie arranged already to split the room who is also going to CGW5. (Conscious Growth Workshop 5). I have a free pass to use up from last Oct for being among Steve's guinea pig workshoppers (his very first workshop ever).

He may also not do any more workshops from here on out, also. I'm going with the intent of more social networking and meeting fantastic people. I'll be in Vegas from the 28th to Nov 2nd.
While Vegas isn't my favorite place around, I think I will make it a point to enjoy Vegas for Vegas this time around. It will be different (and I will miss Jim not being there) but this time I decided to go solo to make sure I get the most out of the CGW.

Last time I turned down some options to go hang out with people and connect, so that I could chill with my sweetie. This time, I'd rather make some stronger social connections. And I definitely will: I have a very talkative hotel roomie. More later.

angelak: (Cool Drink)
September 17, 2010, 06:44, 8Lbs 1 oz - 19 inches tall.
Conner Brian Heinz joined us 6 days after his due date :)

My best friend, Travis - and his fiancée, Krista - told me the news. At long last, their baby was born this morning. I left work a little early to beat rush hour traffic to visit the 3 of them at the hospital. It doesn't happen everyday that your best friend becomes a father.

I wanted to be there for him in this exciting moment in time. It was a fun time to share with them. Very tiny baby!
Hairy and dark haired like Travis - he was perfectly healthy. I intend to be there to watch this kid grow up!! I'm not overly concerned about having a kid of my own, so these milestones are big; I intend on building relationships with kids in the lives of those who matter to me. (Most people make a very unreal assumption that just because I don't necessarily want a child of my own, that I want nothing to do with children. Not true.) And as for the lives of people who matter to me: Travis is one of those people. We spent a few hours with them, and then headed home because Jim had to work and we were hungry.

So, officially - when the wee lad gets older, I will tell him I met him when he was 9 hours old or so.
Jim called him on the phone while I was driving on the road, and made the observation that Travis sounded "different." It took Jim a good few minutes to describe it to me:
"His voice took on the quality that I noticed in the voices of men who come home from Iraq. Euphoria."

The proud father of one 3 year old step-son, and one brand new baby today, Travis has become quite the family man in a New York minute. Irony, as I think back to our 2008 trip to NYC, just prior to the real commencement of their relationship. Someone else came to visit while Jim and I were there, and they were wondering who I was. "Is this your sister?" she asked. And Travis shook his head and said, "nah, my best friend." There's a moment there that can't be described when sharing this kind of time with people.

Amazing to watch the parent switch turned on in Travis - but not at all surprising. The way he has always been there for me really does make me think he will be a strong parental force for his kids. Interesting, Alexander has already asked to hyphenate his last name to -Heinz, on his own. They are very ready to go home tomorrow morning.

Just another day in history, today. 9-17 isn't too bad for a birthday. At least it will always be easy to calculate how old Conner is. 2010 is a nice even #, jeah? :D

angelak: (Glittery Lips)
On September 10th, 2010 - around 9AM, I paid off Classy. Momentous :)
It was a hard decision between a bigger cash savings in the bank, or killing the rest of the loan. I still have savings, and I'll be taking my extra cash that would have been used for the next 7 months (that was what was left on the loan) and paying up my savings to replace the dough I used for it.

It's a great feeling. It hardly feels real. ;) I am in no means in desire of another car loan for as long as I can get away with! So, this is great. At 77,000 miles, and 4 years old - the car is mine. Yes, all 77,000 miles were original miles, put on Classy by me. When I test drove her the first time, she had 4 miles on her.

Now, any other car I intend to buy in life won't be a brand new car ever again probably. (1-3 years old is a much better value). Other than the court parking lot dings (my office eventually became the municipal court underneath the IT office) and consequently my home, and my workplace - became the court parking lot. Let me tell you - people going to court are usually pissed off, and most of them do not car about dinging the cars in the court parking lot.

This happened to poor Classy. Also the random droplets of something that got onto her and ate away the paint in certain places to the *FUCKING* base. Wtf, right? Oh well. Needless to say, everything else about the car has been well maintained.

So yeay :)

Last night was fun, I met up with the Jessie and Icky and hung about them (Curtis left town for AZ and won't be back probably ever, so I had to cancel on our meeting for Friday). Was good even if it was a few short hours. Jessie and I went over some basic self defense techniques and spoke about mindset/mentality and tactics. I look forward to forcing time on the calendar to work more. Also need to call Mikey. We want a big male to use as our guinea pig. Mikey is definitely no little kitten.

What else.... hopefully Mikey will have his hair done though. I don't know if I could handle his aphro in my face... hahahahahaha.

Oh, good ole Mikey...
Travis' son has not arrived yet. He was due September 11th (which happens to be CRISTIN and also Krista's birthdays).
Krista=the mommy/Trav's fiance.

Hopefully Conner Brian Heinz comes to meet us all sometime today.
It is going to be a wild moment. And Trav is absolutely stoked.
Can't wait to hear his absolute joy when his son does arrive :) Travis is one of my very best friends, and it's exciting to see him go through this new life phase.



Jun. 27th, 2010 01:25 pm
angelak: (Change Stone)
After having some dumb LTR moments (Long Term Relationship) moments this weekend, things are probably going to be looking up. I really need to start my circuit training session, but I thought I'd take a few moments to write down about my yesterday.
We've been having issues in general, no specifics do I need to mention just for lack of time.

Fortunately, I had some great friends (Icky, Jessie, and Inna) all supportive during mid day when I was feeling crappy about my situation. On to the better part of the evening:
Finally chose to go out with Jim to Chris Y's birthday party.

I am slowly becoming friends with his friends, although he obviously knows them better than I do. Often they have events and I go, he has to go to work, and I go back and hang out with them because it has been my most accessible social opportunity. So, they are getting to know me. Oddly, independent of Jim. Often. Which isn't common of couples and their work-social networks.......

Regardless, Chris had a nice party. Chris is extremely philosophical, turning 24 last week, usually our conversations are only philosophical. It was hilarious to see him intoxicated.
The other folks drank to excess if you ask me. After dropping Jim and Galen off (to go to work) I returned later to the party to find most everyone seriously passed out. Except a few folks.

Having been the only sober female, I was given to take care of Phylicia, who had had too much. After near carrying her to the living room to settle her down, the single tiny puke happened.

We then headed off to a "bonfire," as soft spoken and smooth Tony the Tiger (the kid has tiger stripe tattoos even) ... we find his bonfire is really some park. Hung out there until I escorted us back to Chris' house. Funny... we were thinking the bonfire was in someone's backyard. Tony the Tiger also invited us to go to another party in Kent... but I wasn't really feeling it. It was 2AM, way past my bedtime. Chris feeling tipsy, single, and enjoying himself all while apologizing constantly and in spite of himself, enjoying me as arm candy and general company. He is way, way too shy for this normally. As Jim and I don't roll in the "get your hands off my woman" route, I continually assured Chris's drunk self that Jim would "not shoot him," for hanging all over me in his birthday-drunkness.

Adorably calling everyone female a "beautiful woman," I couldn't help but laugh at him most of the evening. Especially since he is so wordy and philosophical. I could write a novel about his general mannerism. But for the sake of this entry, I'll leave that out too.
Needless to say, hanging out with Kristen and Curtis, 2 other folks that I always enjoyed... turned into a couple more hour conversation with Kristen, who I have yet to get to know quite so well. Curtis needed a power nap before they hit the road. Had a nice conversation about philosophy and life with Kristen and Chris until we all headed out. I rolled into my front doorstep at 0400 and fell fast asleep. Until Jim came home a few hours later.

Certainly, I felt energized by the social interaction and can see the difference in my overall deportment today. It's apparent that without social interaction and hanging out too often in my house waiting around is not going to cut it much longer for me. I need to reach out.
On this subject, Jessie and Icky would have hung out with me had I *NOT* gone to Chris Y's party. I have noticed the 2 of them are uplifting beyond belief as well. Had I not gotten so occupied in the backyard lawn darts, bad-mitten, and crazy people - I would have gone to my phone to text them the situation.

This being said... I also crave their company soon (and Inna). People take my mind off of the stuff that is trivial but my mind blows out of porportion in boredom. (Like my body, for instance.)

Neeeeedless to say, I abandoned my phone a lot of the night. Felt bad, but also was riding off of social contentment. I don't feel quite on par with Jim yet, although I think this is just a matter of time. There is a lot of frustration spinning around certain issues right now.

1- Overnight schedule
2- Growth and planning of steps that are going to steward him into his nearing 30s.
3- Target just won't cut it forever. For a man so intelligent, this is a crime and as bitchy as this sounds, I just can't fucking stand it some days.
4- Keeping life interesting
5- World of Warcraft, or otherwise known as "The Death." This term coined by my friend Melanie.

(A word on Melanie). She found me on facebook. We were pretty good pals in middle school. Grew apart of time, but have always got along and related in spite of the fact we're vastly different people. We've been chatting a lot on the web. I really want to hang out with her sometime, except that she is very broke and seems to think this is a point that makes it not as useful to chill.

I will have to work on strategies and free ideas of stuff I can invite her to. I'd even pay for certain things, because in all seriousness... my financial situation is really good.

I know my job really wears on me because it is not passionate or inspiring a lot of the time. I am 99% certain it just has to do with being with my same little pond that I have probably outgrown. However... it is at the very least, enough to keep me in house and home with unheard of perks. This is still a phase. I'm not addressing my own advancement issues.
That one is too big of a fish to talk about at the second.

For all intents and purposes though - it makes it easier to do nice things for people if you do have extra dough. I'd say fat around the edges, but I'm seriously pissed off about my extra bf% right now. :P

Oh wells. It does not define me. And I'll be damned if I let it bring me down another day. It's time to live and not obsess over shit that is just a matter of time for me to take care of.
I have a permanence problem: Every issue that is thrown at me FEELS permanent. But I'm here to admit to myself and everyone else: It's almost never permanent. Whatever problem it is.

Like my knees. I ride off of this: I felt like they would never heal, the day would never come when I'd wander around pain free, play bad-mitten on a seriously hilly and uneven surface, wander around on grass, stand for hours and be comfortable in the knees.
But guess what? I healed. I can do all that. I made it.
I run. I jump. I can kneel now.
It wasn't permanent. Maybe a slow process... but I can look back and right now it's just a nasty, nasty, fucked up memory.

I am working on using this to help me put current issues into perspective.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Ahhh, Yesterday was rather fun. I don't get out as much as I once did, which is funny because I just read kdana's post about how much she hangs out with big crews!
Anywho, it was Mikey (Aka Snowflake, or Blacky) who invited us to hang out with the ole military crowd in Lakewood area. We jumped on it very quickly.

After circuit training in the morning (squats, lunges, pushups, situps, military press, jumping jacks over and over anyone?) and generally sleeping in, showering, getting some jamba juice for the trip over...

Met at the old bar (Schooner's) and from there went to the bowling alley with Mikey. Had some food (my one outing of the week) and finally Ray Ray and his new gf came about, and then Ben (who for the longest time I only knew by his last name, Carter). Which eventually bothered him because I only referred to him as Carter because that was how I met him. Took me a good 2 years to start calling him Ben!

So, off we went to bowl. I suck really badly at bowling. ;) I tricked some people for a little while with that. First 4-5 frames looked like I was ACTUALLY a bowler, with strikes and spares. And then my actual game came out with the gutter balls and the shitty hits. ;)

After that, Ray Ray and his girl left. Mike, Ben, Jim, and I headed off to go back to Schooner's. We would have gone with Ray Ray, but an old flame of his is the night-bartender. Sucks, actually. Bella and Ray Ray were close friends, and then after coming back from his third tour (the reason we got together yesterday was because Ray Ray has been back from his 4th tour over seas - yes, you read that. 4 years in combat) - after he got back from tour #3, his friendship with Bella from the bar blossomed. And then things got messed up.

Very sad, because the Schooner bar is a very tight knit group, and the entire social schema sort of revolves around that place. Now Ray Ray isn't down with going there while Bella is on shift. (Blah).
Happy that Ray Ray has found someone he seems deeply involved with now - still bummed that in order to chill with him we have to find another Lakewood spot. I have to admit, I really like Bella. She's so sweet to me. I even endure her asking when me and Jim are going to get married ;) (because we've been together for a long time haven't you guys?) Etc.

Ahhh, Bella. My favorite bartender ever, actually. I love knowing the entire staff at Schooner's. It's beneficial to be best pals with 2 bouncers, and close with the night bartender. It felt weird to go in during the middle of the day to meet with Mikey and show up early, only to be seen by the day-staff who had no idea who I was and treated us like... well. Regular first time customers in their bar. Sort of one of those, "yo, what's up biatch? This is our bar!"

Okay, okay. But you get the picture. Anyways, after drinking about 1.5 more beers (piss beers) than I was intending for the night (I wanted to have just 1 beer, I think I had 2.5 total) and getting sleepy - also realizing I would be working on Monday morning, we finally left Schooner's at 12, and got home at 1. It just felt SO good to be with the old folks. There is such a brotherhood, and closeness, a connection they all share. And bi-proxy, as one of the main beloved brother's-'in-arms' long-time girl, I am indicted into this brotherhood by association. (It's never the full effect, obviously - but I'm still one of the crew.) I remember when I was first dating Jim how it felt to be in this group of people. The warmth and love they share is infectious. The acute early-days memories brings another associative fondness for me. This group of people brings alive the beginnings of my NRE, relationship days with Jim. We have stories. we have memories, and to feel that I belong anywhere is so incredibly powerful.

After 2 years of feeling out of place, depressed somewhat often over injury situations... of reverting to what is called the "inferior function" of my personality via the "Meyer's Briggs" test (yes, kdana mentioned it recently too!). Being with this group of people was like opening up and reminding my soul that I *do* have those connections. The kindred spirits and the fun. No need to be DOING anything beyond just hanging out and cracking stupid jokes. Laughing, smiling, drinking piss beer. (Very slowly, my 2.5 beers over like 4 hours!) Honestly, I think I'd rather have been drinking water, but that is okay. Overlooking that!

Definitely was a nice evening. I also was talking to Mike and Ray about how the old crew just doesn't hang out and do the level of things that we all used to do. Essentially, this made it easier to know that it does NOT have to do with living in the 'Quah verses having a household over in Lakewood/University Place. I think when the old apartment disbanded, that was the beginning of a much higher level of disparity in the "hang out," atmosphere. So much so - that at times I wish they hadn't disbanded. And yet, the next household they had was a house, with a couple of outsider type soldiers - and they seemed to be a little more obnoxious and little less in resonance with Mikey and Jim. Ray Ray gets along with all kinds of people - this includes complete idiots. I had the honor of meeting a couple of back-woods, deep south, deep midwest types that ended up in the house after the apartment scene. It was not inspiring. I could see how the era that was the apartment was definitely over, even though part of it felt like it was because Jim relocated. No, I think it was the mixture of people. Regardless, seems Mikey wants to make more summer plans, have some cook-outs like old times, and involve everyone a little more in events. I think the push to hang out last night sparked a lot of nostalgia and reminded everyone of how much they miss the comradery. And Bless Ray Ray for making it home again. I can only say that he is one of the sweetest guys I know, and I feel so fortunate to have seen him return 3 other times. Wow. There is a man who has paid his dues many times over. I spoke with him last night about his plans after this term is up. He plans to not re-sign his contract.

Although there is always that question in his mind about staying in. But I think after this last journey to Afghanistan... he said he's done with that shit.

Thank goodness...


Call out

Jun. 19th, 2010 10:38 pm
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
To my dear and wonderful friends, particularly Icky and Inna: Thanks for being the ones with the sweet, small gestures of caring. It means more to me than you'll know.

To Icky and Jessie.
Seriously. We need to hang out very soon. (And Inna too. Fortunately for me, I have been seeing you more lately!!!!)

angelak: (Lots of candles)
Thank you so deeply and sincerely for the heartwarming support and love.
I look forward to writing more when I get the chance!
And am showering Fritzel with attention and love, as he seems to be a little lost for the time being. :)
We're adjusting.
Would also like to write some memories in an entry later.
It's very beautiful outside and I am heading out of work early to enjoy some time with Mom and Grandma.
Jim and I also have plans to take a trip down to Portland Saturday at some point. I look forward to this too. Last night I had an amazing time with some friends I made down in Las Vegas when I went to a Conscious Growth Workshop.

The 2 were a traveling pair; one from Ottawa, Canada, and the other from Philadelphia. They have been making a journey of the northern US and finally made it over here to Seattle! Inna came along and it ended up being just what I needed; a shot of fun, socialization, and 3 high vibrating friends oozing with love and good conversation.

Wow, what a week!!! Who knew?

angelak: (874)
Lunchtime today ... I wasn't sure if I had it in me for a run. But I did my new favorite "town loop."
Start around 56th Street, run down 56th to Gilman Blvd, down Gilman Blvd to Front Street - hang a left, and back to my car which is near 56th.

The last 2-3 weeks I've been making a nice 50 minutes of this regularly. Today I blew that away with a 45 minute clock in time. Wow - if I do say so myself. I was wondering why I was getting tired at the end aside from being at the edge of my calories for the day - and it might just be that I was high tailing it for the beginning of my run.

Needless to say, it felt awesome - but I think tonight I'ma take off from Yoga and reward myself with a lil chill time around 874.

Appreciate the wonders that I have use of (my home!)
March is gonna be my month - people. I'm here to make use of my time wisely.
Who knows whether that's a new pace, or I just had the right alignment to provide these legs with some speed. Also - could be the circuit training paying off. This is possible. :)

Regardless. Work is caught up. Next week I have Sharepoint training.
I know - not a terribly exciting post.
Yoga was super hot last night, it broke 111 degrees with 40% humidity. Woo. It was hard because I worked my body hard earlier in the day with my circuits and upping my weights.
And then after Yoga - since Grant's girlfriend wasn't there to sort of friend-block me, I chatted it up with him for an hour or two before I headed home for my shower and dinner. I got home and ate dinner at midnight.


:P But once Grant starts going on about Yoga or we start talkin about life - suddenly I look at the clock and it's been an hour or two! Yikes. It's 2200 when class ends to begin with on Tuesdays. I try and take the Tuesday 2030 class. Was just nice to visit with Grant, it's been a while since we just talked. Goof ball always has some tiny details to share with me about the poses. I enjoy it 111% :D

Way too clever. I hope to remember the things he told me DURING the series.
In fact, he may have had difficulty with memorization and really getting the series down pat... but there are so many areas where he blows me away and astonishes me with his detail oriented nature and insights. Really, he's a sharp dude. Everyone needs a friend, also - that will pass the time so quickly that you thought you blinked but it's hours later! Seriously. Everyone needs a pal like that.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Had a great Saturday night. On Saturday morning I finally hung out with Jon after a long spell of mis-aligned scheduling. I took care of a small portion of holiday shopping and generally just reacquainted with togetherness and oneness.

Was a pleasant start to my day. The bad thing was me sleeping in, not going to the 7:30 Yoga class (would have been class 28 of 30). Instead, seeing as I am up one class, I am back to even scheduling at this point because I chose to let it slide given my other plans for the day.

In the evening Jim and I met up with Oscar and Carly to go to the old Vogue club to dance. We spent some time lingering over a warm, toasty holiday alcoholic beverage at Charlie's, and then walked over to the club where we danced the night away. We had a lot of fun and I was really glad to see Oscar again. We have dated a few years ago for a short period of time (that was still pretty awesome and special) but then haven't connected much since. (It wasn't messy, it just turned out that way.)

I'm very grateful we went out and had a good time. I was also infinitely glad Jim had the night off and was able to part-take.

Jim cutely gave his number to some beauty on the dance floor last night, and that was a entertaining for us all, hehehehe.
Admittedly, he has a big thing for curvy brunettes. Jim and I like how at the Vogue, the outfits are cooler, the scenery is more interesting than your standard Pioneer square hoebag central. Not that it can't be fun too, (I like to dance to hip hop, I can't lie) But I quickly learned to dance to Vogue-type music. My knees did phenomenal. I was fighting a bit of IT band tightness, but it was nothing that I couldn't deal with. The notion I danced for a few hours at all is a blessing. I check in with my tendons constantly, and get positive feedback these days.

The best part was meeting Oscar's fiance and spending time with the 2 of them. It was great to reconnect with that friendship we've had. Always shared a lot of laughter. It's a connection I can't describe, but I know I valued a lot in the past, and still love.



Aug. 26th, 2009 10:35 pm
angelak: (My Lips)
Yoga was awesome tonight.
I worked really hard.
It wasn't at all easy. I've got some serious reconditioning to do, but at the same time, right now my focus in the practice is really sharp. I also worked hard on breath and absolute focus during savasana. I think in the past I have had the chronic "not relaxing" enough in savasanas.

I am now focusing solely on the breath and using that as much to my advantage as I can.
My mind hardly drifted at all.

While my body has some interesting new challenges with only 3 days in, I judge not, nor do I expect more than I can give myself. I have a strong feeling that the muscles will bounce back nicely. I also didn't realize I was missing the Yoga so much.

I feel very mentally centered and high. Like rotor rooters finally were able to come clean up a sewer mess in my brain.

It is easier to stay happy and content with Yoga practice in my life.
It is easier to understand the Truth and Lessons life has to offer.

I am also on a mission to find people who help me raise my vibration to a higher level to hang out with. I need to get out of my house. I need to utilize the oneness of all people, and the oneness of friendship.

This doesn't mean my old high school gang. Those ladies don't raise my vibration. They somewhat lower it a lot of times. It is the ego-based world they find themselves thriving in. I can't live in that world any longer. My life is wholly changed. The last few months have been some of the larger mental shifting months of my life. While I haven't been perfect, I have been trying to find my personal Truths.

I think I am holding myself back by not finding people of a higher caliber to spend my time with. We'll see how this goes. Balance is key.

I've really wanted to write so much more, but work has been swamped and I can't seem to focus my muse in the office. Even my LJ muse. IT really does drive my creativity somewhere dormant, and that sometimes makes me think I am in the wrong field. But it doesn't mean I don't like my job and the tech industry entirely. It just means I'm not sure it was what I was put here to do forever. I am far more creative than I give myself credit for. My creativeness isn't necessarily an IT creativeness. I just like IT because I can talk to people, and teach people, and help people, and it fulfills me on the level of leaving something more operationally sound than when I arrived. (Mostly it is the talking to people part).

And now I should go to bed. ANd relax and then sleep.

angelak: (Can't Run from Problems)
Starting out my day at the office. Got up at 5AM as per my 30 day trial: it's day 13. It isn't hard anymore at all. It comes a lot more automatic, and I have definitely improved on not using the snooze button what so ever. I think by the end of the 30 days my bad habit of the snooze button will be gone, and I think I like being an early riser.

Today I didn't feel motivated to do anything. I didn't meditate, I didn't clean, I just hung out with Jim.
I was contemplating going for a “slow jog,” as per approved by my physical therapist...
But it is hard to convince myself to start again. I know it will be harder than the last time I took these legs out. It's been a while since I ran and therefore it's the “start over,” shitty feeling.
I felt sort of down this morning.

I woke up grumpy. It is hard to hang out with people and not somehow find a reason to be down afterwards. I know that's ridiculous. I've got to get over it. I have a great time in the moment, but later I think about the things I talked about. It's hard, because I get sick of hearing everyone's assumptions about how fast I should heal – or their assumptions about what works and what doesn't. I get sick of the fact I can never really put this whole experience into words. When I try to explain it, it puts me back into the headspace that I have learned is to be avoided: comparing myself to the old me. That is a very strong depressive button for me. Talking and thinking about all the things I used to have (physical strengths and capabilities, as well as looks).
It takes me out of the here and now, and sends me backwards. And backwards is definitely the number one way that I start my depressive cycle. I did it last night when I hung out with a friend. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me – so I try to explain, but it never quite can be put into words except through the people who have been there and watched me fight and struggle and fall and get back up again.

And it makes me angry deep down to know I'm not that athlete anymore. I'm just that plain average person – like everybody else. I'm not badass, I'm not special like that. Instead, I'm even less than average sometimes because I'm limited working with my condition. And that makes me insane.
I can't put it into words, but this is in part why I get pretty anti social. Why I don't return calls, why I don't talk to people. I will hang out, and then feel like a relapse of depression the following day.

But usually I hang out once and retreat back to my reclusive life. Maybe I'm just not giving it enough of a chance. (Social interaction). I'm a great person with strengths and weaknesses and I know that.
I've been really on a roll lately with my attitude and my mentality. But every now and then I have pitfalls. I get even more angry that I can't objectively view my life. I can't be that person that is happy with what I have in the moment. I used to believe in myself. It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to blow off all the things the physical therapist is telling me. It makes me want to go hike and run and push myself. But instead I sit and feel paralyzed with the notions. I feel weird this morning and think it is sad that spending quality time with people who are awesome can take me back to some bad mental patterns. What the fuck is my problem.

I do know I hardly got across my circumstance. It feels impossible to describe what it is to people who have not been close to me the whole time it has been happening. I think this is really what discourages me from people. New people, other people, yada yada.

Oh yeah. My self esteem went from awesome to shitty in 20 minutes. (The 20 minutes it took to fuck over my knees). It's ok. Some people get in car accidents, and that happens in seconds. Doesn't matter how long it took, I am here now, with my new set of lifestyle limits. With people talking about how insane it is that sometimes so fucking youthful not heal quickly like most youthful people.
Fuck it all.

I've never been like most youthful people.
So why should my body heal like most youth?
Might as well heal like a goddamn 70 year old.

Plain jane arms, I let my arms slide.
Plain jane legs, and ass, plain jane everything. I fucking hate it all.

And all the while I know I am attractive, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly.
But none of that matters if the lady in the looking glass isn't my friend.
There is this part of me that would violently beat the fuck out of myself if I met myself on the street.
Some days there is a violent self hatred that comes from the notion that I am not accepting and loving of myself every moment.

There are times I think I'm awesome. Today isn't one of them.
There are times I feel like I'm still pretty fit for an injured person. Today is not one of them.
At least I found out that therapy is covered under my insurance plan.
It's clear I could really use it.
But right now because it started with a work EAP situation, it is geared towards getting my limitations (physically) across to my boss. I have not brought up any of these stupid self-sabotaging attitudes.
I don't like to admit that they exist. But you cannot ignore what lives inside of you.

What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to accomplish?
Am I supposed to be that stupid fucker that sits on her ass for the rest of her life?
Honestly, none of that matters.

When I hang out with people and try and get them to understand my past - I really relive it and end up in that same depressed place I used to be. How dumb. I should stop trying to be something I was and be what I am today. Plain, average, and injured. On the mend. (Although tons better than I was!!!)

What matters is right now, it is the only thing I have.

angelak: (Female Runner)
Been messing around with Sharepoint today. Okay.
So I know how to move about with it. I guess I better create a page for every department.
And then add a couple for my own personal joys.
End of next week's goal: Set up all departmental pages.
Create my own fitness page.
Play in fitness page and make myself like it.

Otherwise today has gone well.
Lunch hour treated me nicely with a run down Gilman and Front street.
Found a way to also whip together a tuna melt on lunch.
Now I have an hour left until I am free for three days.

The weekend is as planned:
Saturday morning early in the AM head out with Mom and Grandma to the Casino (Grandma loves gambling, loves getting out of the house). Try and leave in time to go to Mass.

TRY AND hit up SoulFood Books for Bone Poets. Wonder if I will see my lover?

Sunday take Mom out for lunch or dinner.

Monday I have plans with Jonnie to do a run.
I told him specifically my routine and that I'm cool with taking more walk breaks – but I will not push. I don't THINK we'll have an issue with pace. But I don't know what to expect with Jonnie. I've never run with him before. I've only run with Jim.

I feel like every time I try a running partner out, it's like dating for the first time.

Here's to hoping it goes well. I'd love an energetic and adorable running partner.
Jim is both, but he doesn't WANT to go with me that much. It's an exception, not the rule. Jonnie is different.

I do really like my solitude though.

I also put my foot down; I refuse to try new routes. Other routes have backfired on me with slope. Slope is the #1 bad aggravation on my tendons. (Sad, because I adore hill running, call me a fucking nutcase, but it FEELS.So.GOOD.)

And traaaail running annnd...
Anyways. I'll stick with what I can do.
Regardless – stoked to be alive and running and breathing. Today I was acutely aware of springtime beauty. And for a wintertime runner, it's amazing to jump back in and be in the vitality of spring in full swing.

Today a local old dude I was familiar with from my old neighborhood was rolling along on his motorized wheelchair. And he made my day, both times I ran by him he chanted encouragingly at me as I went by. How adorable and how motivating. I love elderfolks. And there have been a few who really made minor comments that spoke so much to me when I was out on runs.

Thanks old dudes! You rock.

Also on my run today I was acutely in contemplation of my instinctual gut being my running partner, and personal trainer. Push when my innate brain knows it is OK, and pull back the moment that tiny voice in my head whispers caution. And the idea and words, “Gut as my partner,” came to mind.

And I wanted to record it because I loved it.
Don't let the ego master your training, let your gut instincts pave the way.
I've had a lot of chances to understand my ego and how it can be good and bad.
My ego has been around with my running path. I was afraid to admit I was runner for about a year. I didn't want to be a poser. I didn't want to be a fake.

I wanted to have some training under my belt, before I even talked about it to anybody.
It was Mel – an old high school friend who called me a runner first. And when she bought me my first running jacket for Yule one year – it made me feel like I had to fulfill what she had said. And then one day I woke up and said, “damnit, I'm a runner!”

And it secrely gave me motivation that she had gotten me a piece of equipment as I saw it – instead of my boyfriend's old army warmups with his social on the waistband and random cotton t shirts.
My favorite wintertime outfit before this had been Jim's old army sweats and a Panasonic toughbook t shirt with a fleece coat over top of that. I ran in that outfit day after day (washing it constantly) through December 2006, January 2007, February 2007, March 2007... day in and out.

Digression: Ego.
My ego built when my abilities grew stronger than I knew were possible. I did this running thing as an “experiment.”

Everything I do is an experiment, until I build confidence. I keep my first trials of things quite private. Until they become full and huge facets of my life that I can't imagine living without.
IE- Yoga, Hiking, Running, Swimming, my food.

Anyways, with running my ego grew and as I developed a figure I'd never had as a young girl or adolescent, my ego grew. I'm not saying I was arrogant, but I think I can admit I was pretty pleased with myself. It was a strong and valuable force. At the same time I have a large ego, it's also somewhat small. I under-estimate my skill in most cases, and don't understand what I have until it gets seriously robbed from me. And then I'm heart broken at how much I didn't see.

I'm growing to realize that the ego can be helpful if only hanging out in the side lines. I am no better than anyone else, I am not more glamorous than anyone else, I struggle, fall, get up, and succeed just like everyone else. And that gives me solace. The Ego HAS been known to push me harder. When I see my goals closer and people that remind me of my goals, I push harder, I work stronger.

But as long as it is balanced with humility, appreciation, and understanding – ego cannot take over and ruin the beauty of what it is to be talented at anything.



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


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