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angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
Past couple of weeks have been on again off again skin allergy doom. Starting not quite 3 weeks ago, I began to notice small changes in my facial skin. It slowly migrated to my ears, and then 2 weeks ago on Friday morning I woke up with a full on puffy face and many mini hives all over my face. I was not a happy camper. I didn’t realize my eyes were half closed from this yet.

Doctors… medications. Happened again after my week long circuit of meds, only this time my face stayed clear and it was really just circulating on my arms and legs, larges patches. It also came with a delightful dose of swollen eyelids, and puffy under eyes and cheeks. Feeling ugly, feeling puffy, feeling unhappy. More doctors, more medications.
Now instead of topical, they believe it was something I ingested. Said it should go away after another week of meds. All I am happy about is that I have more meds that make me want to be alive because the bulk of angry making symptoms go away with the meds. I know, shallow of me not to want it deeper than that. I just have to trust that by the time the meds wear off, my body will have gotten over whatever it was.

I am not a big pill popping girl. I’m just not and I always subscribed to less is more. But this misery was enough to have me begging for more steroids to make my face unpuff, my eyelids to shrink back down and my under eyes and cheeks to look like me.

I looked in the mirror and knew that some people always look that puffy. Some people always look that miserable. Shallow as that sounds. But, not me. I don’t have a fat face or extra puff to my eye area. And the itching all over my body was about enough to make me want to rip my skin off. My whole body the first week, had begun to retain water fluid. Not pretty feeling anyway. It never feels good.

In other news, I decided to get the lenses replaced on my old frames (since they're nicer than the cheapo ones I got at America's Best). Bennie card was maxed out due to all my usage this year. $250 for that. Wowzers, just. Okay.

angelak: (Alone)
Teacher Training Memoire )
angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
It's been happening. It's the kind of week where every time I turn around, I'm missing, remembering, reminiscing about my friends, my experience, my life in Los Angeles, Teacher Training. Blown away it's over, and intensely full of nostalgia for my comrades – we've all faded into our regular lives and we are still a part of one another, but it is never going to be the same. It was a one shot show, once only. I miss so very much about the experience, it comes back in waves.

First I think about the classes. I miss waking up in the morning every day and preparing to hit the mat first thing, before anything else happened in my day. I miss standing around before class in the morning and the evening talking to my besties. I miss Bikram's classes more than I care to admit. I have never, ever, ever, laughed so hard in my life – all while still doing yoga. Who knew. OF course there will never be any other class like that. I miss twice a day yoga, every week. I miss the ease of getting the yoga in because NOTHING ELSE could get in the way. The jokes, the singing, the ridiculous songs. I also miss being sick of hearing the same stupid tired tune, but every time Bikram sang, I loved it. Maybe other people hated it – but I adored it. His energy from the podium was so great. I kept fighting my own feelings because I was in a sea of other people, but now I can look back and I know what I felt. Bikram is a soul that while everyone talks about him being a dick, I am endeared by.

I felt like I had to think he was an asshole because he said mean things too. But that's not how I felt. I didn't find him to be an asshole. I found him to be a master of shock value. That's it. People constantly take shit so seriously. Even me. More than Bikram being a dick to me, I took those ridiculous posture clinic teachers harder than I ever took Boss.

I even miss posture clinics, hours and hours of BS. I do not miss someone giving me crap for bathroom breaks or where I was going at any point in the day – that I certainly do NOT miss. I do NOT miss being told, that one day when my period went on for 2 days longer than normal, "why weren't you prepared enough to bring EXTRA tampons????" (To the person who said, I give you a FUCK YOU from here, right now, still. I was bleeding out of my crotch and very unhappy in that moment). I miss everyone whining and bitching about Mahabarat. I miss laughing and eating garbage food all night long. While I often felt estranged from even my own close knit group of friends, I often didn't realize I was more accepted than I thought. No one really knew me at times, but then sometimes there were moments where people did know me intimately in ways that others in my regular life didn't.

Do I miss being a snotty pile of shit in the last week because I allowed people in posture clinic to rob me of my peace and human dignity momentarily? No. Of course not. I hated that. I hated it more than anything. I felt like the only person who was a mess in those moments. Everyone could see it. There was no way to keep it from being exposed to tens of twenties of people all over. Was I snotty mess? Yes, Yes I was. Because I wasn't ready to accept that everyone is human, and no one gives a shit if you expose your weakness. I regularly do expose my weakness – but typically only in word form. Not in actual, raw expression. A lot of people followed my blog apparently while I was gone, and by the time the real juicy crap hit me, I was unable to take time to write. It's coming out now maybe.

I miss Karen and her cute, smiley self. She is a great lady, and I do know she's got a lot of wisdom. And sweet Tracy, who was often in my room when I came back during breaks from studying...

I miss Gui from Chile... I will never forget the day he asked me if I was having a good day in the hallway back to our rooms - 4th floor neighbors as it were, in the final week. When I in fact, was not having a good week. I tried to say I was okay, And then - I looked at him with his big heart and beautiful eyes, and just started bawling. He took me in his arms and held me and said a bunch of Spanish things and it didn't matter what he said. He squeezed me and it was all okay. His big heart was something that made everyone know and love him by the end of the 9 weeks.

Digression – the things I miss. The damn stairwells. I miss walking down Sepulveda, I miss the spanish speakers. I miss telling them things like, "I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. Hungry for penis..." In Spanish. The look on those faces. Seriously. And I miss Olga... I miss her natural charm and beauty and support. That girl knew I struggled with a sense of self confidence, I think she felt it more than others sometimes. Sniff. There aren't words for missing the people who held my thread of sanity at times. Shit, I had no idea! I also regret not having a chance to get to know more people, better. I could easily turn into a sniffly mess just thinking of these people in detail. Thomas, and yes Katty. But Katty and I have a different connection. And I can feel her proximity. I have more contact with her, so it burns less than say – Olga, Thomas, Gordon... and when we're not talking about my posse, all I can think of is Group 17 and the people who incidentally showed me more support than I think I've ever seen in my life regarding an academic endeavor. Renata, Karoline, Ula... Czech Republic, Germany, Florida... how the hell will I ever connect with these people that I feel shaped me so much, and gave me so much, every day, every week........ it gives me a giant lump in my throat, it makes my eyes water. These ladies... they accepted me and were always there for me, and when I fell apart – they never ever gave up on me. The emotions are so huge. Tangible, and I think they live and breathe on their own.

The group as a whole, screaming and clapping and cheering you on every day as we all stepped up to deliver the postures... when people ask me about TT, I have no way to put the emotions into words. They are so poignant – and most of the time, I've been avoiding them a little bit since I got home. Why would I want to think so deeply about the people I miss... I might actually cry because it's over, and there's no looking back. Actually, I've been so focused on my teaching, on being the best teacher I can be even though most new teachers have a long, maybe much lonelier journey ahead than was TT. I have my freedoms back, but the people... they're scattered all over the World and I miss them. I want to stamp my feet, fists balled up, and scream. I miss my people! Miss them so much! It makes me feel so lonely I don't know I've ever felt like this in my entire life... you know when you miss one person you're in love with intensely, like your lover or your primary life partner? It kind of feels like this, except with 20 people simultaneously.

It's a sense of longing I feel like will never really quite ease up, after all. I have a billion places on the map now that I have an urgency towards seeing, but no vacation time left, and a bunch of financial things to sort out for myself. (I'm still solid, it's going quite well, but I have to recover from that investment). And now I see why people say it is the best money they ever spent.

And now I find myself so qualified. People ask me about yoga everywhere. And I have a million things to say, it all comes out without me even thinking about it. People with their fucked up bodies everywhere....... I want them to come in. I want them to start a yoga practice, because I know. I * know * beyond a shadow of doubt that it would help ease their problem. And yet I can't even get the point across. No... I can't. It's something people have to figure out on their own and want to heal on their own. I can say 100 things and that person who scoliosis will talk about the other yoga they tried and how it made their shit worse. Well, that's because you were doing some weird yoga combined with pilates and this and that. It was not designed as a healing routine, but a fitness routine. The difference is night and day. Your hips are screwed up? You can fix this. I swear.

Most people lack the all out commitment to heal themselves, though. I hate to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. That's the truth. You'd rather try and give a half assed shot at health and do it the lazy way, instead of the hard way. I see it every day.

And Reina reminded me of how she urged me to try yoga for 2 years, and one day I went on my own without her knowing... I told Reina for a year, “no, Reina. I'm a runner. I don't do that pansy ass yoga crap.” Now she is witnessing me – today, and I'm a teacher.

Sorry, Reina. You knew what you were talking about.

There are more things I miss... of course, sure – California. But not really nearly as much as I miss the yoga bubble. And the people. I'm a people lover, and once I make some connections, well. What can I say? I really fall for people. And not just my lovers. My friends are so, so important to me too. And to the people still supporting me (Katty) while I walk the rough path of new teaching. Well, you mean more to me than you know. And so too, do those people who kept me strong through out Fall 2011 TT.

And as Bikram would say in class ....
"Are you ready? YES OR NO?!"
This time, not for a posture, but... For life on the outside?

angelak: (The Past)
Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!


I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

angelak: (Make a wish)
Excitingly, I have a 9AM appointment tomorrow to do my taxes. Today, I would have done them at 10, except my 11AM appointment to get waxed conflicted. I've got to say, this woman I see now is one of the best people I've seen for this. Ever. She did a maintenance wax in around 20-25 minutes. This is nothing short of amazing.

I started seeing her with a living social special. But successfully for her, I've chosen to keep seeing her. She's in Bothell - but, it is well worth the drive.

Today, later - we walked Fritz and Jim helped me start cleaning my closet. This means I now need to help him with his mancave soon, because I was able to clear out my entire closet, which I had already done to the 60% point, but the other 40% I finished today. This is probably going to revolutionize my laundry and clothing habits.

This is nothing short of a HUGE deal, something I've been dreaming of since I moved in here. I will finally have peace as I search for all kinds of clothes: Work out gear, everyday wear, my shoes will be all upstairs and out of the way - it looks like I am finally using the closet the way a walk in closet is designed to be used. I'm ecstatic.

I will actually be able to find everything, and it will (already is starting to shape up) to how I'd always dreamed of having a closet. I will go to the dollar store soon to buy boxes so that I can stow my sports'bras in, without having them go all over. I have all my shoes lined up in closet, happily found that one pair of dressier shoes, my orthodics fit into. Which means I can wear them and still heal from the PF. My foot doc did some major adjustment on my orthodics and now they no longer bother my knees, and feel better on the arch. As to whether or not they will still blister me when I run - I certainly hope not. But first I have to heal from the first blister (BLAH, waiting.)

Good thing I can go to the gym and hit the elliptical trainer and do just as much good as outside - if not better for reasons like more resistance and also studying the Russian.

I have now begun wearing a pedometer for fun. I will post more about that later.
I want to go to the dollar store, but Jim is playing a batman video game. I could go alone, but somehow I think it would be fun for him to browse the dollar store. The man is a tight wad - it's sort of like candyland for tight wads. I mean - at least that's why I like it. ;)


30 day challenge, Day 4


Jun. 27th, 2010 01:25 pm
angelak: (Change Stone)
After having some dumb LTR moments (Long Term Relationship) moments this weekend, things are probably going to be looking up. I really need to start my circuit training session, but I thought I'd take a few moments to write down about my yesterday.
We've been having issues in general, no specifics do I need to mention just for lack of time.

Fortunately, I had some great friends (Icky, Jessie, and Inna) all supportive during mid day when I was feeling crappy about my situation. On to the better part of the evening:
Finally chose to go out with Jim to Chris Y's birthday party.

I am slowly becoming friends with his friends, although he obviously knows them better than I do. Often they have events and I go, he has to go to work, and I go back and hang out with them because it has been my most accessible social opportunity. So, they are getting to know me. Oddly, independent of Jim. Often. Which isn't common of couples and their work-social networks.......

Regardless, Chris had a nice party. Chris is extremely philosophical, turning 24 last week, usually our conversations are only philosophical. It was hilarious to see him intoxicated.
The other folks drank to excess if you ask me. After dropping Jim and Galen off (to go to work) I returned later to the party to find most everyone seriously passed out. Except a few folks.

Having been the only sober female, I was given to take care of Phylicia, who had had too much. After near carrying her to the living room to settle her down, the single tiny puke happened.

We then headed off to a "bonfire," as soft spoken and smooth Tony the Tiger (the kid has tiger stripe tattoos even) ... we find his bonfire is really some park. Hung out there until I escorted us back to Chris' house. Funny... we were thinking the bonfire was in someone's backyard. Tony the Tiger also invited us to go to another party in Kent... but I wasn't really feeling it. It was 2AM, way past my bedtime. Chris feeling tipsy, single, and enjoying himself all while apologizing constantly and in spite of himself, enjoying me as arm candy and general company. He is way, way too shy for this normally. As Jim and I don't roll in the "get your hands off my woman" route, I continually assured Chris's drunk self that Jim would "not shoot him," for hanging all over me in his birthday-drunkness.

Adorably calling everyone female a "beautiful woman," I couldn't help but laugh at him most of the evening. Especially since he is so wordy and philosophical. I could write a novel about his general mannerism. But for the sake of this entry, I'll leave that out too.
Needless to say, hanging out with Kristen and Curtis, 2 other folks that I always enjoyed... turned into a couple more hour conversation with Kristen, who I have yet to get to know quite so well. Curtis needed a power nap before they hit the road. Had a nice conversation about philosophy and life with Kristen and Chris until we all headed out. I rolled into my front doorstep at 0400 and fell fast asleep. Until Jim came home a few hours later.

Certainly, I felt energized by the social interaction and can see the difference in my overall deportment today. It's apparent that without social interaction and hanging out too often in my house waiting around is not going to cut it much longer for me. I need to reach out.
On this subject, Jessie and Icky would have hung out with me had I *NOT* gone to Chris Y's party. I have noticed the 2 of them are uplifting beyond belief as well. Had I not gotten so occupied in the backyard lawn darts, bad-mitten, and crazy people - I would have gone to my phone to text them the situation.

This being said... I also crave their company soon (and Inna). People take my mind off of the stuff that is trivial but my mind blows out of porportion in boredom. (Like my body, for instance.)

Neeeeedless to say, I abandoned my phone a lot of the night. Felt bad, but also was riding off of social contentment. I don't feel quite on par with Jim yet, although I think this is just a matter of time. There is a lot of frustration spinning around certain issues right now.

1- Overnight schedule
2- Growth and planning of steps that are going to steward him into his nearing 30s.
3- Target just won't cut it forever. For a man so intelligent, this is a crime and as bitchy as this sounds, I just can't fucking stand it some days.
4- Keeping life interesting
5- World of Warcraft, or otherwise known as "The Death." This term coined by my friend Melanie.

(A word on Melanie). She found me on facebook. We were pretty good pals in middle school. Grew apart of time, but have always got along and related in spite of the fact we're vastly different people. We've been chatting a lot on the web. I really want to hang out with her sometime, except that she is very broke and seems to think this is a point that makes it not as useful to chill.

I will have to work on strategies and free ideas of stuff I can invite her to. I'd even pay for certain things, because in all seriousness... my financial situation is really good.

I know my job really wears on me because it is not passionate or inspiring a lot of the time. I am 99% certain it just has to do with being with my same little pond that I have probably outgrown. However... it is at the very least, enough to keep me in house and home with unheard of perks. This is still a phase. I'm not addressing my own advancement issues.
That one is too big of a fish to talk about at the second.

For all intents and purposes though - it makes it easier to do nice things for people if you do have extra dough. I'd say fat around the edges, but I'm seriously pissed off about my extra bf% right now. :P

Oh wells. It does not define me. And I'll be damned if I let it bring me down another day. It's time to live and not obsess over shit that is just a matter of time for me to take care of.
I have a permanence problem: Every issue that is thrown at me FEELS permanent. But I'm here to admit to myself and everyone else: It's almost never permanent. Whatever problem it is.

Like my knees. I ride off of this: I felt like they would never heal, the day would never come when I'd wander around pain free, play bad-mitten on a seriously hilly and uneven surface, wander around on grass, stand for hours and be comfortable in the knees.
But guess what? I healed. I can do all that. I made it.
I run. I jump. I can kneel now.
It wasn't permanent. Maybe a slow process... but I can look back and right now it's just a nasty, nasty, fucked up memory.

I am working on using this to help me put current issues into perspective.

angelak: (I love my weiner)
Chiro Adventures:
I'm excited that my back has progressed to maintenance level.
After this following week - I can go once every other week.

This is good news.
Next week I am going Tues/Thurs because I didn't go for a month, and since it's been over a month, it'll be good to get it back in the groove of adjustments. And then every other week! Sweet.
But seriously. The crack today of my back was amazing!!! Hahaha. Been a while.

angelak: (AngelaNov09)
As January draws to a close, I can say I've had some progress in life. The first two weeks were memorable: mercury in retrograde - mars in retrograde. The New Year was particularly uneventful this year. First time since I've been an adult that I really had no plans.

I set up some goals and began working on them immediately. It had little to do with the New Year - but it coincided. Mercury went direct and things started to spin up quick. I took my self defense class and now have a set of skills I feel pretty comfortable with.

Last week sort of dragged out! lol. Still working hard. Notably, late last week I tested my knees by going for a walk straight out my doorstep; which is to say, a lot of slope. This was successful for me. That's notable. I've been really bad about chiropractic this month. Ever since the week of the 25th - in December, I've not stepped foot in my chiro's office. Although my back is feeling great, I'd like to get back in there. Tomorrow.

Last weekend I went to the Yoga party, which was fun.
I went out with Grandma and Mom, and then relaxed a lot with Jim on Sunday/Monday. I did a double yoga class on Monday which was good. I skipped Yoga Tuesday and went for a walk. Today I went for a 4.5 mile run on gravel. This was a test. I've stuck to pavement, gravel is a totally different thing for the knees. In case you were wondering. My knees feel a little differently sensitive - but the real test will be how it feels tomorrow after I rest for the evening. I also plan to hit the 1830 yoga class and then come home.

Jim has met a girl spontaneously. Met her at Denny's where his work crew hangs. He went to meet one of the guys, and another guy was there with his gf and gf's best friend (the girl Jim met, the best friend).

There might be a chance for a nice casual relationship in this. Here's to hoping! They are both interested and hit it off well - but neither of them have tons of time or inclination to be "serious," if you will.

We'll see where it goes :)
Looking forward to it.

In other news... just closing out some requests here at work trying to finally catch up.
Good news? I'm back in my size 7 pre-med leave jeans again at last. This is a relief. Now only 1 more size to be at my final goal. Weight wise I'm unsure atm, but I am happy to have more pairs of suitable comfy, fit-great jeans to wear. I can travel the rest of my shape shifting journey a little less poopy faced. My hips are returning to something I recognize again.

I am also enjoying more freedom with my knees. Still proceeding with caution - but this is just preventative to ensure I can still continue to heal more and more every month.

angelak: (AngelaNov09)
As 2009 closes, I've got to say it's been a ride.

I began 2009 on a very happy note, I remember distinctly. I had discovered Yoga and I'd also found my pain levels lowering. It wasn't the complete end, but it was definitely the following steps of my journey to recovery of the knees. To this end, I've learned a great deal in the last 2 years about things I am pretty sure will help me out as I age, and as I continue my journey through this life. Really. When Brenna told me in no uncertain terms this year after a yoga class one day, “pain in one of the greatest teachers,” I only began to understand it more as time passed. I will sorely miss Brenna, she's moved to Moses Lake. :(

Sitting at the end of the year with the low (nearly non existent) levels of pain is pretty much more than I can describe. The 10 pounds that I've yet to drop since the beginning of my ACTUAL healing bothers me a whole lot less than constant pain :)

I'll be targeting a serious launch of some great new things in January. It isn't because of your standard New Years resolution... it's just a matter of timing! I like to make resolutions all year long, and I have a propensity to launch them with pretty great fervor.

Let's explore a few things and get them out of my head:

+ I'll be beginning a 28 day vegetarian meal plan – beginning at my current fitness level and maintaining roughly 1400 calories a day. These will be more specific nutrient rich foods and I am letting the raw food experiments sit in the future, for AFTER I reach my goal weight.

+ I'd like to maintain 4-6 days a week of Bikram Yoga practice when I can. I understand that with my other fitness goals, this might be hard. I'll be starting off with a 2-3 day a week schedule of runs and circuit training. I have to start slow and build up. I'd rather not drop the yoga practice, and build with the other stuff on the side.

So, 3 runs, or 2 runs and 1 CT, or 2 ct and 1 run = alongside of the 4-6 days of yoga. We'll see.
It's going to be a trial situation before I can see how it balances out.

+ I will also be launching a self defense education for myself, as I begin to scale my focus for 2010. January 9th and 10th I am enrolled in Insight Training Centers Unarmed Self Defense Level I .

+ In February, I'll be taking another self defense course offered by another company.

I hope to begin compiling some great skills for my own use, and one day I intend to share the skills I pick up with anyone interested in learning from me. It's the beginning of a skill set I'd like to beef up :)

Fitness and Defense!

Lastly, I'll be launching sometime early in 2010 another 30 day early riser trial. I have slipped out of the habit and am very saddened by this!!! I really got benefits out of gaining time every day before my work schedule, and also maintaining it on weekends.

These are my basics for the early quarter of 2010. I'll be checking in and re-creating my goals quarterly.
2009 marks a year of self discovery and a complete shift in my mentality and mindset.
Will be worried a lot less about the “Future,” and dropping as best I can, constant references to the “past.” My intention is to live in the moment, with the Power of Now.

I believe a greater flow will be achieved with this approach. Stay on deck! I intend also to update on livejournal to keep things fresh and articulate to myself and have some folks on board to watch my life transform itself! Woohoo!
Here goes, right!?

I'll be heading out on lunch here, to pound out a final run in 2009. I'm so blessed.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Time to write some blog updates, here. As my life begins shifting lately, it seems the old ithisia livejournal entries are getting scarce. I like when I do sit down and choose to put words to the screen, and I know I’ll value the ability to step back and read them when these times are over.

Not succeeding this week at eating very raw. I’ve been eating about 50% raw, instead of 90-100%. I guess it’s not in alignment right now. Haven’t been craving the green juices as much – and it is probably to do with the cooler weather. Been eating fruits to try and take care of the sweet tooth and that usually works great.

I got a g1 a week or two back now off of CraigsList, as I couldn’t keep up texting with Jonny. He has an iphone, and I had a shitty RAZR that I’ve always hated. I got it 1 year ago when I moved into 874 – SOLELY because my other phone battery was too short lived.
The g1 purchased off CL, with my old SIM card because I’ve been a t-mobile customer for like over a decade now – works like a charm. No need to upgrade to a data plan, because it has WiFi and I’m not that thrilled about paying $20 a month extra for an incidental.

This week I have been trying to do more running, and succeeding. I had set the intent to do every other day running vs. yoga, but I have an engagement tonight that breaks into my yoga time :( That makes me sad, but right now I’m feeling like breaking it up how the life and schedule allows. Running gives me a lot more time to do other things with – (read, see Jim for more than a meal or two). At this point it’s important to me to keep that homelife relationship strong and improving and morphing into greater and more beautiful things. Why? Because the NRE with Jon is pretty fun and it exposes on some level some things I’ve been wanting to work with between me and Jim. These are good things.

We’ve been spurred to have a few super serious conversations that I feel like – I walked away with more insight into Jim’s reality. At times I am not entirely in tune with his reality.
So, because my schedule got a bit tweaked, it looks like this for the week:

Sunday: Ran
Monday: Yoga
Tuesday: Ran
Wednesday: Ran
The rest of the week will perhaps look like this:
Thursday: Yoga/Run (I sort of want to ACTUALLY make it to toastmasters…but in the interest of getting enough yoga in, I might have to push it to next Thursday)
Friday: Yoga
Saturday: Run

The goal was to get 4 runs in and 3 yogas. Next week I’d like to get more yoga in, and scale back on the running. I miss circuit training, but I want to start learning what the balance of running vs yoga is, before I can add in anything else to the equation. I miss my big guns and my built deltoids. My deltoids are pretty badass when I’m working them good.
It’s because I love military press. ;)

Feeling pretty good with 3 runs already this week; in fact I can scarcely believe it. Today my knees feel a little more tender than usual, even though I woke up with them feeling stellar. I think it was when I was hitting 7mph on the treadmill that did it. But, it still feels pretty awesome. My next run will be slower and more easy, and I will stick with steady. I’ve been doing some minor speed work and seeing results already. My regular pace is heightened. It feels good to run long. My legs reaching for the limits feels fantastic – but I’m also knowledgeable enough to realize that this causes more impact also. So, a couple of easier runs to ensure that my body’s limits are not pushed regarding tendons, and things will be great.

In yoga, I am getting further down in fixed firm and a little shocked that the past few times I’ve done this it has not done anything “weird” to tenderize my tendons. It makes me very optimistic that one day I will be back on the floor without causing tendon strain. I also feel a strong vibe that eventually – I will also be back to doing kneeling poses. I’m in no rush. The 2 I can’t really do without a modification or sitting out are camel and rabbit.
For one, I love camel.
For two, I hate rabbit.

And I miss doing both – no matter how poorly I execute rabbit. I always felt a sense of satisfaction from doing a pose that was really not constitutionally easy for me. But that’s why I stuck with Bikram, after all. None of it was easy.

Fighting in Yoga with standing head to knee – because my left knee tries to hyper extend every single damn time. I have to fight to keep the leg from hyper extending. It frustrates me, but I think if I just keep pushing and working on it – I’ll have some pretty awesome muscle benefits that will help keep my knee on that side safer. The right way – is the hard way.
Emotionally, I’ve been steering clear of depressive episodes and low moods. I feel like I’ve hit some major break throughs, and some of it has to do with being out of pain for most of my day. I am still VERY mindful all day long of my knees, but the dull ache and constant worry is fading. It is becoming a nasty memory that has shaped my soul.

I look back at my last 19 months and realize that 19 months was a short journey to what insights I think will be carried with me for the rest of my life here on Earth.
There’s no telling the number of people I wish to help one day with my empathy, with my ability and understanding of how these physical limitations can change your entire life, and your entire being.

While I may be mindful of my knees for years to come and perhaps forever – I know I’ve come very far. The turn around of this was in June 2009. I started my 30 day challenge that lasted 14 days with the Bikram Yoga, and found insights and strength to back off and turn my knees around. Without that 14 days of yoga, I doubt I would have had the presence of mind to know in my heart what things to do to get me where I could become as pain free as I am today.

I am still working with the extra weight I put on during that period, but it is minor. I am still fit, mostly trim, and close to my goals. I am okay with where I am at. Also, fortunate with 2 fellas to remind me that they value me for not only my physical attributes, but so much more.

I went in to get a physical a couple of weeks ago and got some blood work done: all numbers are stellar. I have super low cholesterol where it is supposed to be low, and all my other numbers are in the low range of what they’re supposed to be.
In my gyn visit the nurse and the gyn were surprised at how low my resting heart rate was. They said, “uh, do you work out???? We see very few people with a resting HR of 49…”
I grinned and said, “just a bit.” For the record, the average person has a resting HR of 60-100. Apparently I’m in the athlete class with the resting HR! Some athletes though, have a HR as low as the 30’s. (Think Lance Armstrong).

The lower your heart rate, the more efficient your heart is at pumping blood throughout the body. Less beats means a stronger heart. One could deduct that I have a strong heart! Yeay! You mean the toiling pays offff????
What this tells me, is I am VERY healthy right now, in spite of some minor knee issues that are fading rapidly.

I also feel pretty emotionally grounded, which has been something I am almost as excited as I am about the knees! My day to day life has been looking like a lot of work, a lot of house cleaning and laundry, a lot of running and less yoga than I’ve practiced in the last 10 months, but still a pretty decent practice (falling to 3-4 times a week over the previous 5-6 times a week). I admit – it is keeping things fresh for me at this point. I can’t deny that my body just loves to run. In December 2006, I started an “experiment,” that I kept to myself. The experiment was running. I was too ashamed of myself to call myself a runner. I didn’t want to be a poser, so I kept this experiment to myself. I’ve been hooked on running for the duration of the last 3 years. And I celebrate this blessing in my life every mile I put in.
In December 2008, on the 5th – I began Bikram Yoga as “an experiment.” I had no idea what to expect, but it was largely due to the suggestion of S/Energei. My gut told me I needed to go do this. I resisted, but bravely went in by myself with no other intent but to improve my knees.

It became a refuge for my depression and my life. It taught me so much about myself and now I’m really thinking the next several years of my life will also include a steady practice in the Bikram Yoga. Besides – once you get addicted to how wonderful the hot room feels, I’m thinking it’s hard to step away from it ;)

Also the leg strength and balancing that is attained… it’s irreplaceable. On December 5th, 2009 – I intend to make a mental celebration of my 1 year anniversary to Yoga. I have also found some very energizing and supportive souls at my studio. I was very shy when I first started going, but their open and loving attitudes brought me to a place of emotional healing. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Linda, Brenna, Heidi, Laurel.
Anyways. More to come, but I have a chiropractic appointment very soon. ;)

angelak: (Sing to me)
Having a wonderful Thursday morning. It's one week until I take a trip to Las Vegas, where I'll be going to Steve Pavlina's personal development workshop. This was my primary reason for going to Vegas. I'm not big into the party scene, or gambling. Regardless, I will probably take moments to also enjoy the scene while I am there. I'd never made plans to go to Vegas, but it seems my personal vibes have pushed me to attend this workshop, and I'm very excited.

Also, Bikram teacher training starts in Vegas over the 2-4th. From one of my teachers, she says you can drop in!!! She said perhaps later on in the first few days Bikram will probably teach the classes and so – in some I should be able to join in for a regular drop in fee if I can locate the place they're doing it!!!! (Which I am pretty sure I can).
This prospect is awesome!!! So, we'll see about. Maybe on my last day of Vegas, I will do a drop in.

Jim and I will be flying out Thursday morning – October 1st. This is our first plane trip together. We've been together for a while, but I do look forward to this milestone. I would pretend that I haven't become a bit of a self-help junkie, except that I can truly admit that between personal development and yoga, it has really alleviated a lot of my depressive cycle that had programmed itself to my brain. I was looking for ways to reprogram myself, when I ran into Steve Pavlina's book. Which I ordered and loved. And then I found his blog. And the chain of spiritual change happened. And as a respect to myself, I am not going to pretend it hasn't brought about a much better life circumstance for me on a day to day basis. Same with the following news.

In other news, I've been experimenting with eating more raw/vegan style. It's a personal experiment. I've been reading about it for months, but always felt too overwhelmed to actually make entire steps towards the lifestyle. It's hard to wrap your head around this sort of thing. No one accepts this. People like to reject the idea. I don't care how other folks live out their lives, and I think everyone should eat/believe/do what suites them the best – their personal Will. That being said, I'm doing personal experiments with my own body and seeing how it works for me.

This week I decided to stop being so intimidated. I went to a juicing class on Monday put on by this guy I've been following on facebook who does raw diet stuff, and was inspired. It made me realize that I don't have to doing anything 100% if it isn't what I want. So, instead – I decided to try to take it day by day. One day at time, instead of “I'm going to do this forever,” or even a 30 day trial yet.
And if I see situations where I see fit, or outright WANT to stray off and eat something cooked, I can and will. The idea that any percentage of raw food eating will improve me, is what I am going off of. My body is being inundated with fresh, raw, and wonderful nutrients.

And the thing of it (fruits and veggies) is... I haven't had many cravings at this point. For the most part I feel pretty good. My current routine goes like this: Fruit in the morning, a green juice at lunch, fruit if I feel my calories are crashing, and a big salad for dinner with tons of veggies/fruit.

This also with working out 5-7 times per week so far. The thing I enjoy most is – drinking gallons of water is less needed when you do this. The water is all inclusive in the food/meals. (Not that I don't have SOME). Instead of indulging in candy or other stuff, lately I've just reached for fruit instead.
Normally this did not work when I ate other cooked items... but paired with 50% veggies, and 50% fruits, I seem to notice that it's easier to handle. So, this is my experiment that I will work with for now. And if I feel like I don't want to, or it stops FEELING good, I'll drop it ;)

I've been sort of struggling with identifying with it – or admitting to certain skeptics about it. This is sort of why I'm writing about here it. To begin to remind myself of my own personal authority. It doesn't matter what Jonny says about it ;)

(Jonny is a sweetie of mine who is definitely into his protein). For an different view of protein, read a little about the protein myth, or don't...

It was when I found myself ordering my dinner salad out (knowing full well that most salads prepared at restaurants are not entirely raw) and picking at my chicken because I was afraid he'd judge me for it. I was breaking a couple of personal rules here: Changing myself for a man, (albeit a wonderful man!) and pretending to be something else that I am not.

Right now, I am not hugely meat eating. I've been experimenting (again, lots of experiments) with cutting beef and chicken for a few months. Lately I just indulge in meat as a “special” occasion almost, instead of a regular part of my diet. Hey – I've been pro-meat for years. I also love eggs and dairy. But, what does it hurt me to learn more about how my body feels on different fuels? Not at all.

So, last night when I prepared my (HUGE!!!!) salad dinner (that, note – I could not finish because I got full) I dialed Jonny's number and proudly announced that I was eating a fruit and veggie salad with NO PROTEIN. And that was how I liked it!

It was intentional because this was the second time I've prepared such a meal and had comment from him. I needed to get him to realize that I am not going to stand behind the “work out, eat tons of protein” concept. While I understand you must be careful about re-fueling, nutrients, and the like... I will go with my own body experiments and not accept stuff because “studies have shown,” or “other people told me,” XYZ.

I want to know for myself.

That being said, life has been good. The past few days I've been feeling very, very high.
Really, really busy. I went to yoga and then went straight to Red Robin to meet Jon for dinner and hang out. Yesterday I chose to skip yoga (and have a rest day) and hang out with Jim before he went to work.
Somewhat irritating that both my sweeties would have overnight jobs, and virtually the same nights off.

Could I just have a guy that works a normal daytime schedule??? Anyone? Actually, I don't think at this time I could even find time to have any other involvements. With Yoga, running, healing, ongoing personal efforts, reading, house keeping, and working – my life is honestly full. I also have been more social in the last 1-2 months, and this involves more friends.

This is how my situation with Jonny evolved. For the past 4-5 months, we've been getting together as friends. If anyone KNOWS Jon, you'll know that we've dated off and on for about 10 years or more.
Somehow, I found things evolving once again. Things are going well on that end. I have been trying to get him to go to OLO, but he's shy.

I think he also wants to lose some weight before he goes. :(
He is self conscious. He lost 100lbs 3-4 years ago, so he could join the Marines. He joined the Marines, made his entire life shift, and then in boot camp he got discharged for medical reasons. (He got sick or something?) He came home, got a bit down about it – and after sustaining a knee injury (are we seeing why I could connect with him on other levels?) slowly regained 2/3s of that weight. He was more overweight before, and I've always adored him regardless. When it comes to his weight and knee issues, although I am a tiny version of this – this is where I know Jim has less ability to directly relate to the struggle with injury vs. having been at a supreme fitness area.

The understanding I get from Jon is something I haven't found with any other connection in my life. (And we spend a lot less time talking about it unless one of us has a flare up with our knees!)

I would like to take this time also to shout out to the roof tops about how progressed my condition is!!!!!!

MY KNEES ARE ON THEIR WAY TO 100% health! Right now I still have to be very careful, but my day to day experience is much better. For this, I also feel the depressive states have lifted. But part of me thinks my outlook had a direct impact on where my healing was.

Right now running is a far lower risk than kneeling. Once the immediate inflammation went down, the running was less risky. Right now I struggle with reminding myself not to kneel in yoga classes. I have to sit out a number of poses (2 or 3, which feels like forever when you are the sort of student who normally refuses to relent). Lesson there: sometimes we need to back off in order to reap the bigger benefits. I already knew that, but it is a daily lesson when I go to class.

The kind of patience that not going into camel or rabbit poses takes, is bigger than that of practicing either position. Also fixed firm. So far, half-tortoise appears to do less harm. On my last visit to the therapist – she advised bringing a blanket or pillow to start going into kneeling poses. Well, my studio typically frowns on props. So I asked if I could use a towel. I am thinking the towel I chose was not enough padding, because when I tried one or two poses this way (as a test) it has left me waiting the past couple of days to get past a mild twinge in the around-the tendon area.

I am committed to take it easy the rest of this week and search for something that is sort of towel like, but very, very padded. It is the action of rolling over the kneecap with my full weight that currently causes relapse.

Look at me! I'm so learned. I am proud of my self knowledge. I feel like I'm waking from a long, deep – groggy sleep. Running feels like a blessing. Going for walks is elating. Stairs are wonderful. Standing talking to my co workers with less worry makes me want to shed tears.

Sitting down on the toilet with no pain is a personal triumph. What can I say? I will never take these things for granted.

angelak: (874)
Awoke in no uncertain terms at 3:30ish. Thought about trying to sleep, but then I realized - what for?
Might as well utilize the morning hours for my own gains. Something about it feels peaceful and nice, and I did get 5 hours sleep in total last night. Listening to Jem on my speakers that Grandma got me for my birthday - earlier I used my LUSH Wiccy magic bar for my IT bands. Really, really nice feeling.

Yesterday I went for my first-time-in-forever hike.
It wasn't anything like my badass days in the past of hiking intense hills at animal paces (I'm not modest am I?)
But I chose to make it more meditative. Understand that I've been a seasoned hiker for years. (Many of you may recall).
One thing I noticed, in the past year is that more and more of my friends and co workers took up hiking as a hobby. It was mostly something I became more PAINFULLY aware of.

I got over it though, for the most part. So, yesterday as per therapist advised, I gave it a shot.
A 200ft elevation gain, 1 mile in, 1 mile out, Franklin Falls. I remember acutely doing this hike and scoffing it at a number of years back, and driving onwards to find Snow Lake, 4 miles in - some huge elevation gain that I fail to recall, and 4 miles out - on the same day I chose Franklin Falls ;)

But yesterday was pretty special and peaceful and meditative and all things good.
And I personally have had some very good hiking experiences going to waterfall areas. Usually it was via Wallace Falls, using one of my first and favorite trails ever. I loved Wallace Falls because it was hard on me, but I managed to feel elated every time I made it all the way up.

I am fortunate. I've had so many wonderful journeys into the woods, deep. Up mountainsides, to adorable lakes, waterfalls, and generally anything nature related. Yesterday reminded me how little I appreciated at times, the path - the journey, only looking to the destination. I remember the miles and miles of trails that I traversed, but what I remember most was impatiently seeking that final destination. And once I got there, I was so in tuned to the clock and less the surroundings than I could have been.

Either way, for the most part things went ok. Not 100%, but then - I was impressed at the uneven ground and the tolerance I currently have finally gained in this area. It gives me a little more confidence for walking around in town on grassy knolls and such :P

No joke really though. It has been a long time of watching *EVERYWHERE* I went, and avoiding uneven turf in apprehension.
So, progress. This kind of progress is very encouraging.

angelak: (Make a wish)
Been sort of battling the balance in general.
Life is coming together differently - my knees are actually healing. I'm seeing real progress, not just what some specialist told me was progress.

It changes every part of my day to experience such a lower level of pain.

I've been really high lately emotionally. That's been good. This weekend, not as much as usual. Been more social, (happily so) but also struggling with keeping in reliable touch and getting back to people when I want to. It's a struggle for me right now - for whatever reason.

Email is the best way, but there were still a few replies that fell through the loop. On one hand I think it is because I have a huge bank of email crap that is going to my email all the time.
And then there's the legit people who email me. But often times those IMPORTANT emails get buried.
I feel like a fish out of water, the organization of my life is not very strong.

Not my house hold, not my emails, not my phone calls, nothing.
My work is barely organized. I can get what I need to done because I know that I must.
But even that could use an overhaul. I'm not sure where to go with this, what to do.
I know I need to make serious moves towards new systems, but I feel so chaotic internally.
There once was a time when it was all neatly organized, and also addressed.

I feel like it's silly that I have taken a step back in these ways, seeing as I figured it would get better as I aged. Some things have. My organization - has only dwindled.
I'm a Virgo for crying outloud. Should I struggle so to get my act together????

I do.
I also fight on a day to day basis with believing in my inner and outer beauty.
I wish my inner guidance would give me a direction. I wish I could get myself together.
*A lot of I's in this entry*

Any ideas for getting with the program called life?
If I've blown you off recently - know that I still thought deeply about it.
I just didn't pick up the phone, or respond to the email. And I'm not at all sure why.

angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
The weekend was pretty awesome. I felt good leaving the office Friday night; I was eager to hit the Yoga studio for an 8:30PM class. I was also eager to get out of bed and hit the morning 7:30 class on Saturday. On Sunday I also stumbled out of bed to hit the 7:30 class again.

Yes, lots of Yoga lately.
I had a full weekend, but I am forgetting anything but yesterday and Sunday? *furrows brow*
I think Saturday was low key?
Sunday I went out with Jon; we met for our usual coffee/tea. THen we caught some dinner and just spent some really nice time together. Nice, nice.

Went home and then had a nice evening with Jim. Except for the fact we had sex and in a moment of idiocy, chose to put direct pressure on the tendon. This caused it to be sensitive the next morning. I was pissy about this because the three days prior, I had been experiencing what seems like pain free living for me. (It might be a little different than what others experience as NORMAL but, the likeness to that had me on cloud 9).

So, the next morning I had planned to take both the Yoga classes offered on the holiday. (7:30/9:30).
I do the full class minus ANY kneeling poses at this point, and I have one modification that does work for me. There was one I had to give up on because it still gave me a bit of tenderness.

(It's a hate hate relationship with skipping poses, but I'm learning to deal that less is more in this case for me).
If being prone during certain sex positions for like 1 minute will give me 1-2 days of tenderness, there is no way Yoga is going to compromise me either. I just won't do it.

So, iron Will of steel to tell myself to cool it, to sit some out.
The double class was amazing. Linda taught both (I love her) and they were packed classes. We normally have between 7-20 people in classes.

The studio was only doing 2 morning classes, so everyone obviously came early. 7:30 class was 35 people. The 9:30 class was 40!!!!! 40 was a record for me as far as crowded. My legs were pretty tired by the end of class #2, but the class was really amazing. I liked the second class because the entire room of people were uncharacteristically in sync with each other. Our breathing exercise at the end packed an insanely strong punch. It was almost hard to end a class that energetically charged and in sync.

I felt good doing my double.
Then I went home and hung out with Jim. We talked and hung out - and then I showered and we declared it was time for food. We went to Round Table pizza. Salad and pizza was on the menu.

Then we went to Bed, Bath, And Beyond - where they had a super sale, so I bought out the store. Okay, okay. Not really. But I walked out with a LOT of stuff for about 40% of what it would normally cost. Lots of free stuff, and Jim bought me some perfume for my birthday.

The perfume came with a free lotion.

It was buy 3 get 3 free, PLUS one of my other items was perfume, which came with free lotion. You get the picture.

After that we went home and watched Jericho the rest of the night. I enjoyed this immensely. I am now caught up to Jim - having finished all of Season 1, and having finished the very first Season 2 episode. He is on the third Season 2 episode.

Insane show. So, suffice to say that was a lot of rest on the tendon. I also took a power dose of Ibuprofen for my sex induced tendon flare up.
I woke up today and it is feeling pretty good. Which means it took about 2 days only to bounce back. I am relieved. I have not been up and about yet beyond getting in to the office, but stairs at home and into the office seemed good and I feel a lot less acutely aware of my knees at all moments, which signals to me that the pain level is super low today. I also have a Physical Therapy appointment in 15 minutes.

I have not seen her in 2 weeks (first non weekly apt).
My back is feeling upstanding also.
Things feel pretty quiet!!!!!!!!!
Things are progressing. Healing is happening.
It will be interesting to see how the PT apt goes.
I had to schedule it on a work day because everyone had Monday off. I normally schedule those apts on Mondays to avoid breaking up my work day.

I am sure she will notice the IT band tightness is not nearly as severe: intensive Yoga really makes a huge difference on that. I also haven't been running as much lately. The running was threatening to tighten up my back for a while. I might start up soon, but I didn't want to run this morning because I am taking Joe from Records to Yoga tonight, and I honestly think my legs needed a day of bounce back. I don't want to be falling out of poses the day I choose to take a partner incrime to their first class. No worries, I'll leave my ego in the lobby when I go - but still.

Running tends to take its toll on some of the hamstring poses. Like, by pose #2 - the muscles are quaking. While that feels nice at times, I'd just like to relax into some poses tonight if at all possible. (That doesn't mean slack, it just means

I'd like to have some strength and freshness about me!!!)

So anyways. Looking forward to yoga tonight, looking forward to shifting and adding other stuff to my regimen in the coming week or two here. On a size/weight level, Operation Shrink Back Down is going rather nice. OSBD. LOL.

No, no - not ODBC. (For techies, ...)

The jeans I was brave and not sure would fit on my birthday - fit then. Now they are slowly becoming more roomy and comfy.

Bonus. It means I am on my way down.
That is very satisfying. I am trying hard not to overeat. But I am not micro managing too much.
Yoga makes that possible.

Anyways. Time to get out of the office.
Hopefully more later.

angelak: (Attitude)
Friday afternoon is here! Cannot wait until the weekend. Not sure what my plans are beyond a wonderful Friday night Yoga class.

I have plans with Joe to go Tuesday night with him! I'm stoked to bring Joe, it's going to be fun.
Life is plugging away. I took 2 days off as per my personal vibe on the yoga and the working out altogether. Today in about an hour I get to go get my chiropractic adjustment for my back.
I look forward to them. There has not been one bad experience. They've only made me feel better and better every time.

Work has been slammed this week. Other than the layoffs yesterday, things have been going dandy. Doing well with keeping up. Doing well with making it through the days so I can go home and do what I really want to do: Yoga and Running.

I have been getting around more easily here at work and this bodes well for my productivity.
I take that seriously. Today I feel a lot more silence in my body.
Feeling pretty good about it.

Speaking of random: someone got hit in the crosswalk by my work. Right in front of the police department. Right in front of a sign that says “STOP FOR PEDESTRIANS, STATE LAW.”

Really? REALLY? My co worker was out there talking to the cops (who witnessed it even) when he heard a THUMP behind him (cops were in direct eye sight of it). A guy walking his dog across the street was bouncing off the hood of some idiot's car.

Good job.
The guy didn't want anyone to get close to him because his pit bullish dog was freaking out. The police obviously were on the scene quickly. Somehow he dragged himself off to put his aggressive dog into his car and then laid down and let them take care of him.

Apparently according to folks around the office after this incident, the man was to be married tomorrow. Thanks, careless driver for messing that one up – right?
Anyways. A bit weird with the dog situation, but otherwise I feel bad for the guy. Wasn't I writing an entry about idiot drivers in my town last month?

Good thing the cops were your witnesses.

angelak: (Change Stone)
I’ll do a quick update for the sake of getting it out there.
1 week ago I was doing my physical therapy exercises for my knee, when I threw my back out of alignment. I waited until I went to my therapist and she practiced some alignments. She let me know exactly what was up, and didn’t seem too worried, and said I could continue exercising and that running might even help it. (Alignment issues were/are causing muscle spasms in my mid back).
T8 (thanks for the correction M) if you’re curious.

Got a random vibe to go to the chiropractor. I have 25 visits per year.
Naturally, once they find out you have that kind of insurance, they want to keep you coming in :P
Realistically, after looking at my spine photos, I think I *can* benefit greatly from chiro.

So far in 2 visits I’ve seen pictures of my spine in it’s entirety, and my pelvis. Fun!

It would appear my back injury that I allowed to heal on its own in 2004/2005 timeframe, left my lower back curved more than it *should* be. My neck is actually a bit too straight. (It should be curved more). My middle back (T8) is pointing off a bit and pressing on the nerve, and thus causing muscle spasms. Which in turn, is pain. Okay, that’s fine. Lol.
Fortunately, I'm getting very used to experiencing pain. When it goes, I am sure I'll never take a pain-free moment for granted.

I am okay with all this because I feel like it’s all going to fall into place.
It already is.

I also started the YogaCoaster again as of Sunday. I trusted my vibes to go on Sunday. Found perfect modifications from Brenna in class and have solutions to doing Yoga without putting that direct pressure on my kneecaps – thus compressing the newly healed tendons which are entirely pain-free right now.

The only time pain comes to me in my knees within the last week was if I allowed my IT bands or hamstrings to tighten too much. This spells yoga to me.
I also am in heaven on the run. I won’t talk about the hard work and the slightly bigger ass I have ;)

Any progress like this is encouraging. The pain free nature of standing, walking, and living is really amazing. Right now I am just in awe, but at the same time experiencing some back spasms – so the silence in my body is not quite there yet. But I am getting a hunch it is coming sooner than I can imagine.

So, trying my hardest to eat less than I expend, and trying hard to get back on the Pt exercise train. Also getting to have a free massage from the chiro clinic tomorrow before my adjustment.

My first ever adjustment was insane and fun. I’m weird like that.
I want to try everything there is to try and do the best by my body that I can. End of story. I truly wish I’d gone in when I had the injury in 04/05. But I was even shier at the medical industry then than I am now.
The good news is that I went and I am going to improve from here on out.
I'd write so much more about all of these elements, but I am trying to jet 30 early to go to class. I took a short lunch, so it is going to be wonderful to hit the 1830 class!

I am also in no hurry to do things before the right time. That means anything that isn't on my "mental program" yet. It's enough so far that yoga, running, and circuit training are still on the program. The chiro said that there was no problem with exercising. I notice that running did bring about more spasms though. That is what tipped my little subconscious brain into heading in to the chiro. We'll see. I think I will try another run tomorrow or the next day. 5AM is a good time of morning for it. Something so peaceful about it.

angelak: (Perfection)
Day 28 of the 30 day early riser trial.
I did have one or two off days - but suffice to say I've long ago made my choice that I prefer getting up early.

I did say I would consider shifting the time to 4:30 - but I think I'll stick with 5.
Today I have a lot to take care of.
Mostly machine upgrade situations. This is fine. I would like it to be busy enough to keep my day moving.
I also would like to share that so far, the healing is really beginning to take hold.
Standing and walking around are slowly progressing.
And today will be my first day ramping up on the run time. I am going to worry less about sticking directly to exact times, and go with the flow on this one. I would like to hit 30 minutes rather than my 20 by the end of this week, and move towards 40 perhaps in the following week. Slow and steady for now. My body is re-adjusting to the routine again with the runs.
I successfully circuit trained last night after much avoiding it.

It was not as bad as I had worked it up to be. I really do enjoy lifting weights and my circuits. I skipped curls this week - but I think that was not bad. I had other things going on in the circuits. I do so enjoy adding the PT exercises into my circuits so I can get it all done in one swoop.

Without a doubt.

Today I'd like to focus on remembering the process; that I'd rather just make my benchmarks than focus on results just yet.
Things are falling into place as they should.
Performance will come when it will.
If I am making moves at all, I am making progress.
Any progress is key.

And the fact I so often take for granted my place in motion (IE, where I am at the moment) and look back later kicking myself, this time I am really embracing where I am at right now.
I feel my arms are getting stronger, quickly (as usual now days, the muscle memory in my biceps and the triceps are pretty honed). I also note I am building them up differently this time.

I also get a vibe I should seek someone to work out with eventually. Not sure who.
Not all the time, just every now and then. I'd refer to Jim - but I am pretty sure he is too lazy and unmotivated to be a worthy work out partner. If I have to break a person's arm to get them to go - it really is not worth it.

While Jim likes to pride himself on being fit (he is fit) he doesn't like to work at it anymore.
I am not ranking down on him here. I am just saying that he is just not really the motivating aid that he used to be when he was teaching me the blessed technique of CT.

This was a couple of years ago now (Yes, really!) I remember asking him if it "counted," as a workout because I was so used to endurance and not burst strength. I would also be interested in coaching anyone who is interested in these methods to share them. I've a deep interest in teaching others the art of fitness in the best ways I know how.

I have 6 minutes until my appointment here at work - so I am wrapping this up!

angelak: (Default)
Day 14 of the 5AM Trial. I am seeing it is unlikely that I will change my habits back once the end of 30 days happens. I will, however - enjoy the opportunity to slack if I have a particularly rough night beforehand. I'd prefer to keep it as an exception though. I get so much more done pre-7AM.

Yesterday was a challenge: On lunch I tried to find an good outdoor flat venue for an easy/light jog. This seems like it would be easy, but bear in mind that I also am trying not to be as visible to the people of Issaquah. Everyone notices when I go out (I am not being self centered, I swear). I am early on in my actual recovery of my knees, so I don't want people to think I'm suddenly awesome. Like per se, my boss. Therapist approved slow jogs are on the agenda this week.
So I drove to Klahanie, went somewhere that sort of seemed flat. I only went for on/off 20-25 minutes because it was decidedly uphill/downhill no matter what I did. I assumed that although this was risky, I would be okay. I went home, stretched, iced, and then prepared a quick meal and left to go back to work. No shower. Hahaha. Horrible.

This morning, my legs are still feeling pretty loose. The tightening is what now causes issues more than the actual tendons themselves (UNLESS I Kneel directly on the kneecaps). This is a blessing. The tendons are in a stage of actual healing.

This morning I decided that rather than circuit training again (which I would have been able to because I had my 1 rest day) I would go ahead and try another jog - this time pre 6AM at the com center on a treadmill while none of the co workers were around. I went for another easy 20 minute jog with adequate warm up, cool down, stretching, and a few PT exercises. Combining these things is working pretty well. I had also had the presence of mind to blow up my bouncy ball so I can start doing other exercises that Tiann prescribed me.

Today will be the first day I do her 3 exercises (there are others but these are the 3 ball ones) with 20 reps. A couple are pretty hard, but are great for core. I could really use that seeing as Yoga is out for now. I will be making it my goal to do the 30 second balancing the new way of standing that Tiann has taught me, as often as I can throughout the day. My muscles are not as tight as they were being in the last 2 weeks. I cannot describe how tight things were getting. I can go up stairs the suggested way more naturally also. Things are coming along.

I did not have time to ice this morning, but I did extensive stretching after the jog. Things feel REALLY neutral right now. Standing at this moment has become pain free for the most part. Walking feels almost normal. Jogging also does not seem to pose a lot of threat to me. Once I fall into a mild rehabbing routine and I think I will have more confidence in my body. I am working on re-training my thought patterns still to keep my mentality from sabotaging my body. Small steps, time, and actual progress coupled with patience are all this is going to take.

The reason I was so upset in the past months was because I literally was never getting to see any progress. I forgive myself for these frustrations; let's face it, when you see no progress life gets really bleak. Right now I am seeing tangible results for my hard work. And that's all I've ever wanted out of my life. Even if right now - it is in the recovery of injury.

I am also glad I am starting out the runs slow. My body will be MUCH happier if I work into it slowly.
More to come later on today most likely.

angelak: (Can't Run from Problems)
Starting out my day at the office. Got up at 5AM as per my 30 day trial: it's day 13. It isn't hard anymore at all. It comes a lot more automatic, and I have definitely improved on not using the snooze button what so ever. I think by the end of the 30 days my bad habit of the snooze button will be gone, and I think I like being an early riser.

Today I didn't feel motivated to do anything. I didn't meditate, I didn't clean, I just hung out with Jim.
I was contemplating going for a “slow jog,” as per approved by my physical therapist...
But it is hard to convince myself to start again. I know it will be harder than the last time I took these legs out. It's been a while since I ran and therefore it's the “start over,” shitty feeling.
I felt sort of down this morning.

I woke up grumpy. It is hard to hang out with people and not somehow find a reason to be down afterwards. I know that's ridiculous. I've got to get over it. I have a great time in the moment, but later I think about the things I talked about. It's hard, because I get sick of hearing everyone's assumptions about how fast I should heal – or their assumptions about what works and what doesn't. I get sick of the fact I can never really put this whole experience into words. When I try to explain it, it puts me back into the headspace that I have learned is to be avoided: comparing myself to the old me. That is a very strong depressive button for me. Talking and thinking about all the things I used to have (physical strengths and capabilities, as well as looks).
It takes me out of the here and now, and sends me backwards. And backwards is definitely the number one way that I start my depressive cycle. I did it last night when I hung out with a friend. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me – so I try to explain, but it never quite can be put into words except through the people who have been there and watched me fight and struggle and fall and get back up again.

And it makes me angry deep down to know I'm not that athlete anymore. I'm just that plain average person – like everybody else. I'm not badass, I'm not special like that. Instead, I'm even less than average sometimes because I'm limited working with my condition. And that makes me insane.
I can't put it into words, but this is in part why I get pretty anti social. Why I don't return calls, why I don't talk to people. I will hang out, and then feel like a relapse of depression the following day.

But usually I hang out once and retreat back to my reclusive life. Maybe I'm just not giving it enough of a chance. (Social interaction). I'm a great person with strengths and weaknesses and I know that.
I've been really on a roll lately with my attitude and my mentality. But every now and then I have pitfalls. I get even more angry that I can't objectively view my life. I can't be that person that is happy with what I have in the moment. I used to believe in myself. It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to blow off all the things the physical therapist is telling me. It makes me want to go hike and run and push myself. But instead I sit and feel paralyzed with the notions. I feel weird this morning and think it is sad that spending quality time with people who are awesome can take me back to some bad mental patterns. What the fuck is my problem.

I do know I hardly got across my circumstance. It feels impossible to describe what it is to people who have not been close to me the whole time it has been happening. I think this is really what discourages me from people. New people, other people, yada yada.

Oh yeah. My self esteem went from awesome to shitty in 20 minutes. (The 20 minutes it took to fuck over my knees). It's ok. Some people get in car accidents, and that happens in seconds. Doesn't matter how long it took, I am here now, with my new set of lifestyle limits. With people talking about how insane it is that sometimes so fucking youthful not heal quickly like most youthful people.
Fuck it all.

I've never been like most youthful people.
So why should my body heal like most youth?
Might as well heal like a goddamn 70 year old.

Plain jane arms, I let my arms slide.
Plain jane legs, and ass, plain jane everything. I fucking hate it all.

And all the while I know I am attractive, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly.
But none of that matters if the lady in the looking glass isn't my friend.
There is this part of me that would violently beat the fuck out of myself if I met myself on the street.
Some days there is a violent self hatred that comes from the notion that I am not accepting and loving of myself every moment.

There are times I think I'm awesome. Today isn't one of them.
There are times I feel like I'm still pretty fit for an injured person. Today is not one of them.
At least I found out that therapy is covered under my insurance plan.
It's clear I could really use it.
But right now because it started with a work EAP situation, it is geared towards getting my limitations (physically) across to my boss. I have not brought up any of these stupid self-sabotaging attitudes.
I don't like to admit that they exist. But you cannot ignore what lives inside of you.

What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to accomplish?
Am I supposed to be that stupid fucker that sits on her ass for the rest of her life?
Honestly, none of that matters.

When I hang out with people and try and get them to understand my past - I really relive it and end up in that same depressed place I used to be. How dumb. I should stop trying to be something I was and be what I am today. Plain, average, and injured. On the mend. (Although tons better than I was!!!)

What matters is right now, it is the only thing I have.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
I have really wanted to write an in depth post for a while.
But guess what? It hasn't been in the cards until today!

Shit, there is so much that has been happening to me and I'm so behind on the updates. The best I can do is write what I recall and that will have to be better than if I tried to remember what happened a year from now.

First off, been doing mild walks and going easy on my body this whole month, coupled with physical therapy sessions and the rest and drugs in late June. I tried Yoga once last week on Tuesday and quickly discerned that however loosening effects on my IT bands, the ½ a kneeling pose I exercised brought back a relapse of my tendon situation. (A VERY mild one, because I stopped the moment I felt something change in my body). That took 4 days to recover from, ½ a pose. This, I took as good news.

It means that in the next 3 months or so, I will NOT under any circumstances kneel. For any reason, in any capacity. Unless directed by my therapist, which I highly doubt will happen.
It was good for me to go and do this because now I don't have the “urge,” to go to Yoga. The following week, yesterday – was also a busy day.

A very good, busy day. I am on day 12 of my 30 day 5AM trial. My body is adjusting really well and I am enjoying it. So, in the morning on Monday I cleaned my living room 85%. I also (VERY CAUTIOUSLY) moved my couch to a different place, and shifted the weight rack with all my handweights to a different place. I'd like to eventually clear the clutter off the kennel and shift it to a different place in the living room because now it sits in a focal point of the room and that looks bad :P

I had 2 appointments after my house cleaning efforts, one after another.
8:30AM therapy appointment (end of the EAP sessions, start of my regular sessions if I continue to keep doing them for long). And immediately following that, I had a physical therapy session:
This session surprised me. First off, she massaged me as usual and it went really well.
Second off, she gave me more exercises (I am actually happy about that) these were BALL exercises. I need to inflate my ball today, lol.

And then, we were discussing what is acceptable exercise. CT is approved, with 1 lower body exercise only. I will only do things at this point approved by the therapist. She also said I could do some mild “jogging.” So, speed is out (I know that should be a no brainer, but it's hard to train my body to keep it easy when the only way I trained before was basically, top speed for how my body felt every day).

Under 3 miles etc.
Which honestly? Is pretty cool. So I think this week I will be able to start a mild fitness routine again combined with the new exercises and the old ones she has given me. It adds up to quite a bit of time, but I am looking forward to it. I think as a pre-curser reward for any other fitness activity, I will be requiring I complete the balancing act I hate so much before I can move on to the other stuff. To ensure I get it in no matter what, I work on that aspect because I don't really like doing it ;)

The other thing is that I will be focusing on not rushing with my speed when the time comes to go out and get beyond the walking pace. Slow is good. I really hate the term “jogger,” because I prefer “runner,” but – at this point I am going to emphasize to myself that slow is good while rehabbing. This is important.

So, today I woke up with sore IT bands from the massage – but almost no pain in the knees what so ever. I think for the first time in months, my body is finding its way through the healing maze. And this makes me a lot happier. No pushing it. I can handle waiting when I am actually seeing progress. It was just hard to wait when I felt no progress was happening.

Onwards in my path. I am very, very content with things. ON the damage control size/shape thing, I am already beginning to see results of 14 days very strict caloric intake management. (Veggies and fruits, vaggies and fruits, with a few meats thrown in a carbs only sparingly).

I can loosen up a little this week, and then go back for the follow 1-2 weeks with stricter numbers. I think by allowing the numbers to drift up 100-200 this week, it will be awesome.
ON another side note, I am so very happy and proud of my dear mother!
She has kicked past her weight loss plateau and currently at 117lbs lost.

117lbs!!!!! Gone! So happy about this progress. She has no idea how fit she is, either. I told her she walks fast these days. She said she didn't FEEL fast. I said: “when you can do stuff easily because your body has acquired the abilities to do it more efficiently without a high level of exertion,” this is what we call being fit. (My opinion.) Also, “the more arduous the task has to be for you to be challenged,” can also be added to that thought.

I liked how the words came out. So I kept them!

Anyways. I have been trying to write this blog post for way too long. And now I will post it and write a new one later if I get a chance and think of better flow for this. It has been broken up like crazy!



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


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