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angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
Past couple of weeks have been on again off again skin allergy doom. Starting not quite 3 weeks ago, I began to notice small changes in my facial skin. It slowly migrated to my ears, and then 2 weeks ago on Friday morning I woke up with a full on puffy face and many mini hives all over my face. I was not a happy camper. I didn’t realize my eyes were half closed from this yet.

Doctors… medications. Happened again after my week long circuit of meds, only this time my face stayed clear and it was really just circulating on my arms and legs, larges patches. It also came with a delightful dose of swollen eyelids, and puffy under eyes and cheeks. Feeling ugly, feeling puffy, feeling unhappy. More doctors, more medications.
Now instead of topical, they believe it was something I ingested. Said it should go away after another week of meds. All I am happy about is that I have more meds that make me want to be alive because the bulk of angry making symptoms go away with the meds. I know, shallow of me not to want it deeper than that. I just have to trust that by the time the meds wear off, my body will have gotten over whatever it was.

I am not a big pill popping girl. I’m just not and I always subscribed to less is more. But this misery was enough to have me begging for more steroids to make my face unpuff, my eyelids to shrink back down and my under eyes and cheeks to look like me.

I looked in the mirror and knew that some people always look that puffy. Some people always look that miserable. Shallow as that sounds. But, not me. I don’t have a fat face or extra puff to my eye area. And the itching all over my body was about enough to make me want to rip my skin off. My whole body the first week, had begun to retain water fluid. Not pretty feeling anyway. It never feels good.

In other news, I decided to get the lenses replaced on my old frames (since they're nicer than the cheapo ones I got at America's Best). Bennie card was maxed out due to all my usage this year. $250 for that. Wowzers, just. Okay.

angelak: (Alone)
Teacher Training Memoire )
angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
The Good Stuff!!! )

More real posts soon!!! I promise. I know these are of no interest to most of you :P
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
In the spirit of Inna, in the spirit of writing when I get a spare moment, here I am! Today is Friday, sunny, and I feel emotionally great. Yeay! A bonus is that it's day 1 of my period and while I feel like I've been hit by a truck physically, I am not knocked up (bonus) and I am in great spirits. Today, rather than being worried about my life, my loves - I feel content and surrounded by the love and great fortune of beautiful people.

The impending launch of my 10K program is exciting. There are a few reasons why it is exciting. I've never done a program before, I always just went on my own way with a very flat training plan. When I say "flat," I mean to say that it doesn't vary in distance, and the runs are randomly placed with no planning or anything like this. The Hal Higdon's 10K for Novice takes the Novice to 10k in 8 weeks. I have at greatest done about 4-5 miles. This is an experiment about delving into the mid-distances, rather than short. 6.2 is 10k, and I am headed there in 2 months.

I am hoping this is a Gateway distance. That I can continue to push the distance envelope on later on in my future!!!!

It has varied distances including a long and a short run, and another middle length run in there. 3 runs a week. I also see cross training on there, and this is where I intend to pair my running regimen with Yoga, or when I feel like, the yoga days can be whatever. But mostly I wanted to leave space for yoga, FOR OBVIOUS reasons. This being said, it's going to be great because I've never done long and short runs, and nothing consistently with a training reg or increase in distance. I did it when I was doing my runs as a beginning intuitively and it worked really well. But I see that I can do this is a more planned fashion and I am curious to see how it goes. I will also be documenting and logging my info more on it. Infusing a little more fun into my running than was already there. I apologize if I talk too much about it, but I'm getting amped!

In other news, I had my eyes checked a couple days ago. I need new glasses. I am getting 2 pair. I thought I was just getting my reading/computer RX redone. But turns out this eye doc told me more than I realized anyone had told me before. New data about me.

My eyes apparently are never working in tandem together. One is near sighted. One is far sighted. One has an astigmatism.
This means he suggests wearing my glasses all the time. I begged about my vanity for contacts, and forgot why he said it wouldn't work well.
I intend on wearing them maybe 40% of the time, or more if I decide I like it. Ultimately my vision issues are minor still, but it would be behoove me to make my eyes happier. I still want to feel in control and not wear them constantly. It's just my thing. Not that I ever thought I'd be that way  But now that I realize I'm one of the eye glass people, well. I do what I want.

We'll see how it goes. Certainly I want to explore more about how I can go about contacts still. Because without a doubt I'd throw some contacts in daily and not think twice. Apparently which eye decides to be on and taking charge ever, and working at once, is the one that I have the benefit of at any given moment. (So at times I am far sighted. At times I am near sighted. It switches and flip flops all day long, all night long.)

This suddenly made me realize something I had never told anyone about prior: WHY I TAKE my glasses on and off about 40 times a day at work. When one eye decides to play Boss, I take them off. When the other decides it's ready for action, glasses go back on. InSIGHTful, eh? Who knew. Rare I guess. And then Mom told me it runs in the Croston side. Oh! Who knew. There was an eye doctor in the fam and he even wrote a paper about the phenomenon.

Friday, Friday... feeling sappy and wish I could clone myself.
Soon time to see Jimmers.
In other news, I was driving down the road with my drop top down.
And my driver-side rear view mirror randomly fell off and shattered as I pulled away from a 4 way stop.
So now I have a new one and adhesive on order for Sunshine.
Son of a bitch!!!!!

Otherwise, I think I should go and steal Jim and take him for lunch.
Another shoutout and thank you to Inna bo Bina, for getting me back on track with LiveJournal. You awesome woman. I sure do love you!
And I also love Mr. Raven Dark. Healing energy in his direction incessantly at this point.


What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
It's been happening. It's the kind of week where every time I turn around, I'm missing, remembering, reminiscing about my friends, my experience, my life in Los Angeles, Teacher Training. Blown away it's over, and intensely full of nostalgia for my comrades – we've all faded into our regular lives and we are still a part of one another, but it is never going to be the same. It was a one shot show, once only. I miss so very much about the experience, it comes back in waves.

First I think about the classes. I miss waking up in the morning every day and preparing to hit the mat first thing, before anything else happened in my day. I miss standing around before class in the morning and the evening talking to my besties. I miss Bikram's classes more than I care to admit. I have never, ever, ever, laughed so hard in my life – all while still doing yoga. Who knew. OF course there will never be any other class like that. I miss twice a day yoga, every week. I miss the ease of getting the yoga in because NOTHING ELSE could get in the way. The jokes, the singing, the ridiculous songs. I also miss being sick of hearing the same stupid tired tune, but every time Bikram sang, I loved it. Maybe other people hated it – but I adored it. His energy from the podium was so great. I kept fighting my own feelings because I was in a sea of other people, but now I can look back and I know what I felt. Bikram is a soul that while everyone talks about him being a dick, I am endeared by.

I felt like I had to think he was an asshole because he said mean things too. But that's not how I felt. I didn't find him to be an asshole. I found him to be a master of shock value. That's it. People constantly take shit so seriously. Even me. More than Bikram being a dick to me, I took those ridiculous posture clinic teachers harder than I ever took Boss.

I even miss posture clinics, hours and hours of BS. I do not miss someone giving me crap for bathroom breaks or where I was going at any point in the day – that I certainly do NOT miss. I do NOT miss being told, that one day when my period went on for 2 days longer than normal, "why weren't you prepared enough to bring EXTRA tampons????" (To the person who said, I give you a FUCK YOU from here, right now, still. I was bleeding out of my crotch and very unhappy in that moment). I miss everyone whining and bitching about Mahabarat. I miss laughing and eating garbage food all night long. While I often felt estranged from even my own close knit group of friends, I often didn't realize I was more accepted than I thought. No one really knew me at times, but then sometimes there were moments where people did know me intimately in ways that others in my regular life didn't.

Do I miss being a snotty pile of shit in the last week because I allowed people in posture clinic to rob me of my peace and human dignity momentarily? No. Of course not. I hated that. I hated it more than anything. I felt like the only person who was a mess in those moments. Everyone could see it. There was no way to keep it from being exposed to tens of twenties of people all over. Was I snotty mess? Yes, Yes I was. Because I wasn't ready to accept that everyone is human, and no one gives a shit if you expose your weakness. I regularly do expose my weakness – but typically only in word form. Not in actual, raw expression. A lot of people followed my blog apparently while I was gone, and by the time the real juicy crap hit me, I was unable to take time to write. It's coming out now maybe.

I miss Karen and her cute, smiley self. She is a great lady, and I do know she's got a lot of wisdom. And sweet Tracy, who was often in my room when I came back during breaks from studying...

I miss Gui from Chile... I will never forget the day he asked me if I was having a good day in the hallway back to our rooms - 4th floor neighbors as it were, in the final week. When I in fact, was not having a good week. I tried to say I was okay, And then - I looked at him with his big heart and beautiful eyes, and just started bawling. He took me in his arms and held me and said a bunch of Spanish things and it didn't matter what he said. He squeezed me and it was all okay. His big heart was something that made everyone know and love him by the end of the 9 weeks.

Digression – the things I miss. The damn stairwells. I miss walking down Sepulveda, I miss the spanish speakers. I miss telling them things like, "I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. Hungry for penis..." In Spanish. The look on those faces. Seriously. And I miss Olga... I miss her natural charm and beauty and support. That girl knew I struggled with a sense of self confidence, I think she felt it more than others sometimes. Sniff. There aren't words for missing the people who held my thread of sanity at times. Shit, I had no idea! I also regret not having a chance to get to know more people, better. I could easily turn into a sniffly mess just thinking of these people in detail. Thomas, and yes Katty. But Katty and I have a different connection. And I can feel her proximity. I have more contact with her, so it burns less than say – Olga, Thomas, Gordon... and when we're not talking about my posse, all I can think of is Group 17 and the people who incidentally showed me more support than I think I've ever seen in my life regarding an academic endeavor. Renata, Karoline, Ula... Czech Republic, Germany, Florida... how the hell will I ever connect with these people that I feel shaped me so much, and gave me so much, every day, every week........ it gives me a giant lump in my throat, it makes my eyes water. These ladies... they accepted me and were always there for me, and when I fell apart – they never ever gave up on me. The emotions are so huge. Tangible, and I think they live and breathe on their own.

The group as a whole, screaming and clapping and cheering you on every day as we all stepped up to deliver the postures... when people ask me about TT, I have no way to put the emotions into words. They are so poignant – and most of the time, I've been avoiding them a little bit since I got home. Why would I want to think so deeply about the people I miss... I might actually cry because it's over, and there's no looking back. Actually, I've been so focused on my teaching, on being the best teacher I can be even though most new teachers have a long, maybe much lonelier journey ahead than was TT. I have my freedoms back, but the people... they're scattered all over the World and I miss them. I want to stamp my feet, fists balled up, and scream. I miss my people! Miss them so much! It makes me feel so lonely I don't know I've ever felt like this in my entire life... you know when you miss one person you're in love with intensely, like your lover or your primary life partner? It kind of feels like this, except with 20 people simultaneously.

It's a sense of longing I feel like will never really quite ease up, after all. I have a billion places on the map now that I have an urgency towards seeing, but no vacation time left, and a bunch of financial things to sort out for myself. (I'm still solid, it's going quite well, but I have to recover from that investment). And now I see why people say it is the best money they ever spent.

And now I find myself so qualified. People ask me about yoga everywhere. And I have a million things to say, it all comes out without me even thinking about it. People with their fucked up bodies everywhere....... I want them to come in. I want them to start a yoga practice, because I know. I * know * beyond a shadow of doubt that it would help ease their problem. And yet I can't even get the point across. No... I can't. It's something people have to figure out on their own and want to heal on their own. I can say 100 things and that person who scoliosis will talk about the other yoga they tried and how it made their shit worse. Well, that's because you were doing some weird yoga combined with pilates and this and that. It was not designed as a healing routine, but a fitness routine. The difference is night and day. Your hips are screwed up? You can fix this. I swear.

Most people lack the all out commitment to heal themselves, though. I hate to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. That's the truth. You'd rather try and give a half assed shot at health and do it the lazy way, instead of the hard way. I see it every day.

And Reina reminded me of how she urged me to try yoga for 2 years, and one day I went on my own without her knowing... I told Reina for a year, “no, Reina. I'm a runner. I don't do that pansy ass yoga crap.” Now she is witnessing me – today, and I'm a teacher.

Sorry, Reina. You knew what you were talking about.

There are more things I miss... of course, sure – California. But not really nearly as much as I miss the yoga bubble. And the people. I'm a people lover, and once I make some connections, well. What can I say? I really fall for people. And not just my lovers. My friends are so, so important to me too. And to the people still supporting me (Katty) while I walk the rough path of new teaching. Well, you mean more to me than you know. And so too, do those people who kept me strong through out Fall 2011 TT.

And as Bikram would say in class ....
"Are you ready? YES OR NO?!"
This time, not for a posture, but... For life on the outside?

angelak: (AngelaNov09)

Focus for 2012
(I don't exactly do resolutions, per se, but I do have focuses.)

Serve my communities – focal point = Service

Yoga/OTO/Pagan communities, serve them (How? Be present. Give whenever possible in time/service.)

Leave Self doubt behind

Serve in the Mass team beyond the child role:
(First Deacon, then Priestess - eventually, in the future...)

Replace carpets downstairs in 874

Create a tidy home that is nearly always acceptable for impromptu guests

Become a strong and valued Bikram Yoga Teacher

Develop my Yoga Teaching

Digest and Teach verbatim Bikram Dialogue

Improve physical and emotional bodies

Reach the low 140lbs range solid

Lean out body the rest of the way

Shrink the hips/upper thighs

Return to Teacher Training as a mentor (not a DE-mentor).

Travel to see teacher training friends and take their classes!

Maintain a strong Yoga practice

Maintain a moderate running and circuit training schedule

Continually build strong relationships with my sweeties

Stay close with Jim

More personal focus from self to community service

Rite of Sol Involvement

Search for a late 90's Mitsubishi Eclipse for personal material items list
angelak: (The Past)
Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!


I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
It’s a good day for an LJ post. What contrasting weekends, this weekend and last! Last weekend I was peppered with Seattle-events, my sweet and dear new friend from Australia, (we’ve only known each other since CGW5) but none the less.
This weekend was special in 2 ways already. I hadn’t seen Mom in a couple of weeks, which was feeling weird this time around because we’d seen TONS of each other for a couple of weeks prior (particularly with Amber being a puppy and Classy the car needing trips to the mechanic.) AND, Amanda got married.

Long Updating. )

angelak: (Make a wish)
Excitingly, I have a 9AM appointment tomorrow to do my taxes. Today, I would have done them at 10, except my 11AM appointment to get waxed conflicted. I've got to say, this woman I see now is one of the best people I've seen for this. Ever. She did a maintenance wax in around 20-25 minutes. This is nothing short of amazing.

I started seeing her with a living social special. But successfully for her, I've chosen to keep seeing her. She's in Bothell - but, it is well worth the drive.

Today, later - we walked Fritz and Jim helped me start cleaning my closet. This means I now need to help him with his mancave soon, because I was able to clear out my entire closet, which I had already done to the 60% point, but the other 40% I finished today. This is probably going to revolutionize my laundry and clothing habits.

This is nothing short of a HUGE deal, something I've been dreaming of since I moved in here. I will finally have peace as I search for all kinds of clothes: Work out gear, everyday wear, my shoes will be all upstairs and out of the way - it looks like I am finally using the closet the way a walk in closet is designed to be used. I'm ecstatic.

I will actually be able to find everything, and it will (already is starting to shape up) to how I'd always dreamed of having a closet. I will go to the dollar store soon to buy boxes so that I can stow my sports'bras in, without having them go all over. I have all my shoes lined up in closet, happily found that one pair of dressier shoes, my orthodics fit into. Which means I can wear them and still heal from the PF. My foot doc did some major adjustment on my orthodics and now they no longer bother my knees, and feel better on the arch. As to whether or not they will still blister me when I run - I certainly hope not. But first I have to heal from the first blister (BLAH, waiting.)

Good thing I can go to the gym and hit the elliptical trainer and do just as much good as outside - if not better for reasons like more resistance and also studying the Russian.

I have now begun wearing a pedometer for fun. I will post more about that later.
I want to go to the dollar store, but Jim is playing a batman video game. I could go alone, but somehow I think it would be fun for him to browse the dollar store. The man is a tight wad - it's sort of like candyland for tight wads. I mean - at least that's why I like it. ;)


30 day challenge, Day 4
angelak: (Goddess)
Just got off work, cleverly packed my gear, purchased blister protectors for my foot. 36F, brrr. Snow was happening in Issaquah when I was off for lunch. Big, giant flakes. We will probably have snow tomorrow. Oh, joy. Fortunately, I won't be running every day, so I can easily circuit train tomorrow in doors.

My energy level feels up today.
30 minutes, ramped back to the Target turn off for now. My pace is medium, if I were lighter, I'd probably be going faster, but for the time being, I'm not particularly concerned. Right now is my life. Not tomorrow and definitely not yesterday!!!
Happy to have hit the road, gotten my workout in already, have plans to go over past and future tenses (ironic, given my last statements there) in Russian to try and sort out what the hell my teacher gave me on Sunday. (Oh, my. So confused).

I will figure it out. I know (WHAT) she gave me. But I didn't fully grasp it. We go super fast in class. Sometimes I have to come home and do a lot of self study. Sometimes?? EVERY time.

I am definitely glad I didn't skip out to finish helping Roby and Sarah move. I was tempted.
I hope I remember to come back later and post about Cowboy.
I know that's random.

Anyway, my legs are cold. I should stretch. I should shower. Jim is playing his games, but I insist that we spend some quality time on house improvement. Neither of us are happy with where our house is "tidy" wise. WE've got a lot of work to do, and unless we do little bits EVERY night or every other night, we will never reach our goals of being happy with our home. This includes him, not just me. As a team, we are going to get there. My big dream right now is honestly having the man-cave not be a shit repository (lots of crap in there) but possibly moving my desktop computer up there too. So we can spend time together, but not pay attention to each other at all. I mean that. ;) Maybe, we'll see. That way when he sits down to browse crap, so can I. We need some major closet re-organization, also. Anyway. I am freezing and need to stretch.

Maybe I will also remember to recap on the weekend...

angelak: (I go Wild)
AutoCAD is an awful thing to install. I'm just saying this because it usually takes a very long time. Couple that idea with the fact that this computer is having issues removing an old version - and the 2011 version will not open properly, and we've got a long time to make a quick update, yeah?

Needless to say, I got my first orthodic run in yesterday afternoon, a quick 20 minutes, which more accurately turned into 25-30. Actually, I'm not sure. I didn't look at the clock. That was stupid.
On my seriously pronating foot, I do have a minor blister from the support being up directly against my arch. I've gotten these before with over the counter shoe inserts - but it only happened via treadmill before. I think I pronate more on treadmills, to be honest, and I'm not sure why. It doesn't matter, I just know that my inserts I used before hadn't ever given me a blister until I hopped on a treadmill :)

My knees felt a little "different," after yesterdays run, but my feet felt fine other than the minor bubble. Okay. We'll give it a shot on Saturday for 30 minutes officially, of course wearing some sort of "blister" protector. Band Aid I believe has the best blister protectors ever. I used them before with my old shoe inserts when they used to give me trouble. After a few nasty blisters, my feet were broken in. I assume the same will happen with the super dandy custom orthodics. They actually didn't feel too bad out on the run. I wasn't sure how it would feel. Tiann is trying to release me from PT, which is awesome and sad all at once. For one - I love how she loosens up my feet. For two, I can't help it. I like people messing with my feet.

I am feeling more energetic today than I have in a long time, so perhaps things are workin' out well with my supplements/dietary shifts. My BBT appears to be slightly higher than last month at this time in my cycle - so that is good news. I think today for the first time pre-ovulatory, it hit above 97. I take that as a VERY good sign. I am keeping my eye on it.

Still deciding on the Thyroid test or not.

I am just happy to have energy again, at any point in the day. I expect as my body gets loaded with what it was lacking, things will just get better and better.

Today is Friday. I am happy for Friday. It has been a completely swamped busy week here. That is probably why some of my entries have been shorter. We can thank Civil3D for this entry.
I have plans to go to Redhook with Dave, Jim, and Tony this weekend, and also Dave's friend who is visiting from Hawaii, one last time before he flies back. Apparently Dave's friend thought I was hilarious. I'm glad. ;)

Then of course - I've got my Russian class ahead on Sunday. I hope I can invite Travis out to Redhook with us on Saturday - so I can buy him a birthday beer or two. His birthday was the 8th, but he was out of town on work, and the rest of the time we haven't had a chance to link up. Sad, sad!!!

The ripe old age of 27 (hah) Travis is.
And then I suppose before I know it, it will be August. Yikes.
A lot of life is ahead. But at least a smidge of life is getting to be behind me too.

Now I'm just wondering how and when the next chapter will appear. I used to think I could force it all. But as it has been shown to me... I don't think that's going to work for me.
So I guess I have to let go a little more ;)

Monday is President's day. It is Dad's birthday also. I am not sure what I am doing for Dad, yet. Hmmm...

angelak: (Default)
At the very least, I shaved about 5 minutes off my run time without really trying (I was going at an easy comfortable pace) and didn't feel like garbage. I'd say that's an improvement. Okay, to those of you who don't run, I'll cut the crap: It's a HUGE improvement. Exponential considering how short my runs are right now (rehab runs for the feet) 2-3 miles. The shorter the run, the harder it is to shave 1-2 minutes off, let alone 5-6. We'll see how the entire week goes!!!

And to be smart, I suppose I should just sit in one place and study my Russian... :) Oh noes!!! (It is harder for me to study without working out, these days - it would appear...)

And given my hopes as for this new tweak of nutrient events (including the iodine) it may be time to hit the yoga mat, ASAP ;) It wasn't working out the past week or two due to sleeping through the classes. Gr. But supposing my energy stays good, I can hardly wait to work it in.
I also could not find my "aircasts" for my shoes today, and seeing as I am not quite to the point of transferring my brand new orthodics into my running shoes yet - I gave it a shot without extra support on my arches. THIS went pretty well!! Phew.

My next run will likely be super short (20 minutes) to launch operation running with the orthodics. You have to train up to wearing them a full normal day of everyday activities, and then slowly ramp up with workouts. But I have finally hit the "entire day" point with them in my regular shoes, so next on deck is the running ramp up. I look forward to preventing the over-pronation! YES!!!!

In other news... a shower, lunch, Russian study, and driving to class are in order. <3

I feel invigorated by the Washington Sun. It was the most beautiful sunny run.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
So far, so good! I've been keeping a very close log on what I'm eating and balancing it out. I might be good to go with a balanced vegetarian/flexitarian diet - as that's what I've been toying with, coupled with some iodine and other trace minerals. After my Russian class today, I am going to go chillax with [livejournal.com profile] violindaine, because it's literally like 5 minutes from her house. Every time I've left class since I began it in January, I think "Wow, I'm so close to Icky's house..." Warning, Girlfriend, (you're the best though, because I know you'll get this) my brain is usually toast by the end of my 2 hour class. It isn't used to all this intense use anymore. :P

Anyways - sadly, this has been a pretty bad study week. Mostly because a lot of the week I was crashing too early in the evening and usually my best study times are at the gym on the elliptical trainer. This week I didn't even create good study guides! So last night I finally got to it, hopefully my brief session last night and another session today will do the trick enough to get me through class tonight; and I REALLY hope she gives us another week to cement the stuff she gave us last Sunday.

She DID give us a lot: Large Numbers (10, 20, 30, on up to 10,000) and months, and weather, and plural/singulars, and numericals (first, second, third, so on). THAT is a lot of material. Oh yeah, and some tongue twisters, which the entire week I *was* working on. Yeay.

Other than that, today I will be going for a run in the sunshine as soon as I finish this entry, brush my teeth, and use my neti pot.

I was happy to hear from Lance from CGW1 last night. He called me to inform me he's given his notice at his job and IS headed WEST baby. (From Boston). Portland will be his new home in just a matter of weeks. Profound and wonderful. I admire people who make these moves, because up until this point in my life, I haven't made any major plunges like this.

So, back to the energy factor... I do feel a slight difference already. I went on a long, relaxed walk yesterday for my "workout" also, instead of something harder. I took Fritz, and he hated it because I refused to turn around after 20 minutes, which is his preferred walk time :P Today I will keep it to a minimum pace and run to see how it goes. It is likely for now, I'll be alternating what it is I do.

I would also not mind taking my notes with me to the gym if I have time, after my run and walking on the treadmill for a brief amount of time so I can study the Rooski-ye.

I think a big key for me is going to be making sure I get enough calories, and doing the meal timing first thing in the morning (within an hour of working). It might be that I am generating some issues by not balancing my system - and it also might be that I am especially vulnerable on account of genetics. Who knows, it's not really my concern why or much else beyond "what's going to make me feel great and support me?"

And I have to admit, while I love raw foods... I'm also enjoying this whole foods approach with cooked meals again. No denial there :)
So right now, I'm using My Fitness Pal.com, which I found by searching for a calorie counting application for my phone. I stumbled upon it and realized, Holy Shit, this is a tool-rich, free website with all I need too!

As far as Sunday, Today is a Great Vos-Cre-Seen-Ya (Sunday) because........
Tomorrow is a furlough day for me! Oh yeah, I also have to go to GameStop and get my Valentine's day gift for Jimmers. He doesn't know it yet, but I have plans. He doesn't have tomorrow off, but that is okay. He has already apparently gotten me a gift, and one that made him want to check his bank account balance :P That's unlike him........ whatever! I don't need gifts, right now all I need is Jim. He's been amazing these past 3 weeks. Pretty much ever since I got back from LA and Santa Barbara, our relationship has shifted to another gear. I'm not sure why, how, or what - but I don't care. It's like we've reached a deeper level again. It's making me more excited than I can express. I'm grateful, I don't take a minute for granted these days.

And it makes me feel over the moon in a way, because I know that come April, we'll celebrate 5 years, which is breaking my records (while I know love isn't about breaking records, I'm a Virgo, so in a way - it is). LOL.

I haven't celebrated 5 years with anyone, and at the end of 2010 I was beginning to dread the fact I was going to hit that 4.5 mark and fall away. Again. Like my last relationship that hit the 4.5 mark ;)

It was not a good feeling.

But now I think it's apparent that we've progressed to a different phase in our partnership, and I foresee some pretty cool stuff ahead for us. I'm excited again to see where we're headed, and for that I'm incredibly grateful. And so this year, we're not going to do our usual Same-Old Melting Pot trip. I think we should aspire to do something else... something new and special!

So, here's to another couple of months before I figure out (because he HAD said last year he had an idea, and then he promptly forgot, which I knew he would when he came up with it, but he didn't want to tell me so it would be a surprise). :P So therefore, I'm not sure what idea he had, because yeah - he kept it to himself for surprise factor, and very Jim-like, he forgot ;)

Anyway. If I don't wrap this up, I will never get to brush my teeth, run water through my nose, and run. :P Don't forget the floss. For the teeth.

angelak: (I love my weiner)
Chiro Adventures:
I'm excited that my back has progressed to maintenance level.
After this following week - I can go once every other week.

This is good news.
Next week I am going Tues/Thurs because I didn't go for a month, and since it's been over a month, it'll be good to get it back in the groove of adjustments. And then every other week! Sweet.
But seriously. The crack today of my back was amazing!!! Hahaha. Been a while.

angelak: (Change Stone)
I’ll do a quick update for the sake of getting it out there.
1 week ago I was doing my physical therapy exercises for my knee, when I threw my back out of alignment. I waited until I went to my therapist and she practiced some alignments. She let me know exactly what was up, and didn’t seem too worried, and said I could continue exercising and that running might even help it. (Alignment issues were/are causing muscle spasms in my mid back).
T8 (thanks for the correction M) if you’re curious.

Got a random vibe to go to the chiropractor. I have 25 visits per year.
Naturally, once they find out you have that kind of insurance, they want to keep you coming in :P
Realistically, after looking at my spine photos, I think I *can* benefit greatly from chiro.

So far in 2 visits I’ve seen pictures of my spine in it’s entirety, and my pelvis. Fun!

It would appear my back injury that I allowed to heal on its own in 2004/2005 timeframe, left my lower back curved more than it *should* be. My neck is actually a bit too straight. (It should be curved more). My middle back (T8) is pointing off a bit and pressing on the nerve, and thus causing muscle spasms. Which in turn, is pain. Okay, that’s fine. Lol.
Fortunately, I'm getting very used to experiencing pain. When it goes, I am sure I'll never take a pain-free moment for granted.

I am okay with all this because I feel like it’s all going to fall into place.
It already is.

I also started the YogaCoaster again as of Sunday. I trusted my vibes to go on Sunday. Found perfect modifications from Brenna in class and have solutions to doing Yoga without putting that direct pressure on my kneecaps – thus compressing the newly healed tendons which are entirely pain-free right now.

The only time pain comes to me in my knees within the last week was if I allowed my IT bands or hamstrings to tighten too much. This spells yoga to me.
I also am in heaven on the run. I won’t talk about the hard work and the slightly bigger ass I have ;)

Any progress like this is encouraging. The pain free nature of standing, walking, and living is really amazing. Right now I am just in awe, but at the same time experiencing some back spasms – so the silence in my body is not quite there yet. But I am getting a hunch it is coming sooner than I can imagine.

So, trying my hardest to eat less than I expend, and trying hard to get back on the Pt exercise train. Also getting to have a free massage from the chiro clinic tomorrow before my adjustment.

My first ever adjustment was insane and fun. I’m weird like that.
I want to try everything there is to try and do the best by my body that I can. End of story. I truly wish I’d gone in when I had the injury in 04/05. But I was even shier at the medical industry then than I am now.
The good news is that I went and I am going to improve from here on out.
I'd write so much more about all of these elements, but I am trying to jet 30 early to go to class. I took a short lunch, so it is going to be wonderful to hit the 1830 class!

I am also in no hurry to do things before the right time. That means anything that isn't on my "mental program" yet. It's enough so far that yoga, running, and circuit training are still on the program. The chiro said that there was no problem with exercising. I notice that running did bring about more spasms though. That is what tipped my little subconscious brain into heading in to the chiro. We'll see. I think I will try another run tomorrow or the next day. 5AM is a good time of morning for it. Something so peaceful about it.



Feb. 20th, 2009 02:19 pm
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
A torrent of energy has been fighting inside me.
With the weather, I've been straining at the chains around my lifestyle.
I miss hiking.
I miss running.
I miss walking for the sake of walking.

When can I be normal in the knees like many others?
It's been 11 months.
Please, please – let me heal.
I've been anything but patient, but I've tried very hard to keep my life under wraps while I waited this out.
Right now I spend 90 minutes every day devoted to this cause.

The fear, sadness... it gets so great. The doctors all said the same thing. 3 months.
What is different about my condition than the average diagnosis???
I know it has improved in the last 2 months I started Bikram. But it isn't 100% yet. I will continue Bikram Yoga, but with this pretty weather and the last week of short days, I felt so nostalgic for my old hiking.
I live at the base of my favorite Mountain, my magickal link to balance.
I have used Tiger Mountain as balance for the last decade.
I'm familiar intimately in my own way with Tiger. It's a bond shared through sweat, and tears, and the bellowing of my lungs and the push of my muscles. The dripping of the water that flows through my body and makes up me. I feel like that mountain is as much a part of me as my own blood. I'll be honest and frank. I believe it. That mountain owns me.

Is it a coincidence that my long time residency has always been at it's feet?
I think not.

Few weather patterns kept me away from the trails up there...

I'm an outdoor girl.
I wasn't meant to go from Building to Building.

I'm meant to be outside, roaming, wandering, running, walking, being.
And even in my job this walking (I do a lot of walking) ... gets tiresome on the damn knees.
This broken record get-better get-worse get-better-get-worse wrecks havoc on my mentality. I am so much better than I was. If nothing else, Yoga has given me more coping ability for these things.

The last week of Yoga classes have been pretty struggled. My teachers each notice individually. They ask me what's up.

1 asked about electrolytes.
1 asked if I was going through an emotional time.
My practice shows my inner battles.

They aren't used to my struggles, as my practice apparently is normally pretty strong.
I will work through this. There is no other path for me.
And even if I only stretch 20 minutes a day, it's far better than 0 minutes a day.
But I think sitting out even one or two poses still gives me one hour of stretching a day.
Whatever the case, the stretching, heat, and strength building is doing nothing but good for my legs and my knees.

When this tendon affliction goes away, I will be stronger than I could have hoped to be through running and CT alone.

Now, please universe. I give you my deepest plea – help my body continue to heal itself. I remember what A once said to me: “Your body knows how, and wants to heal itself.”

If I say this over and over again maybe my dreams of pain-free living will be realized.
Please gods? I ask you most humbly.

angelak: (Female Runner)
Some exciting things that have happened in the last 2 weeks:
I have been slowly trying to update my wardrobe. None of my clothes were fitting anymore. They were too BIG! Awesome. And also expensive.

So I am now outfitted with a bit more.
I have a couple of new pairs of jeans, a new pair of khakis, a small handful of better, fitting shirts. My mom had informed me that my bras were a bit over sized for me. So I am now happily sporting bras that fit again. I had no idea! No complaints really. Just, things have been changing for so long. So viva la new clothes. Yesterday I definitely had some good luck with the bra shopping.



angelak: (Default)

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