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angelak: (Eye)
This week has been restorative time spent at 874 and with Jimmers. Last week at work I was highly motivated. This week has been harder. I just want to leave town. Now.

It's freezing. I don't like the cold. I went shopping for long sleeved shirts, because apparently the ones I had have vanished into the abyss of my house. Layering is my new thing, because it's getting cold out, and I feel that I have been freezing for days. Ross provided some low cost options for me. Pretty much outfitted for winter now, thank goodness. Some of the stuff will work for the Spring, once we make it through the stupid months here.

I have become stripey girl due to the striped shirts all over Ross. I better balance it out with some other shirts later or I will become very bored.

It feels great to still have my life and dog home and routine in 874. The Dachshunds appreciate it. I appreciate it too. Especially being alone. Being alone feels so, so good, and so vital. Even if it's for an hour in the morning. Jim goes to work at 430AM. He kisses me goodbye and is gone by the time I get out of bed. I am alone in the house then.
I miss that in Bellevue Home. I need a name for that place, but I haven't for the life of me figured out what it could be. It's actually a good balance if I think about it, none the less.
The Dachshund routine with me in it is very, very comforting.
I say the same thing every morning to them when I am ready to take them out.
They snooze in bed until I am ready to take them out.
The moment I say the magic words to get them moving, they spring into action.
The three of us like our morning routine.
And I always loved my 874 morning routine. Maybe it's because I had 100% control over it.
And that 100% control is important to me.

In other thoughts:
If I get back to my work outs the right way, I will likely feel even better. But the starvation diet made it unappealing to work out, even for me. And now I am lazy. As I have mentioned to Sean though, perhaps this isn't so bad. I re-injured my hamstring doing standing bow in a cold room in rehearsals for Rite of Sol months ago. It has been cranky ever since and I have been holding back on the left side of postures in yoga for months now. Perhaps this resting phase is the best thing I could do for my hamstring. My hope is that when I try again and start using my body in the fitness fashion (I miss it) - my hamstring will have made some healing leaps. I injured it by straining it and stretching in a cold room: March 2012. Then it healed. Then I re-injured it in October 2012. It takes a lot of time for the damn hamstring to chillax. Damn you, hammy. It also kills me in the hot room to have to hold back on it. I know I could progress my standing bow in class if it wasn't so jacked!! My flexibility is there, but the muscle cannot do it without tearing if I am injured.
I suck.
But I know this too, shall pass.
And given my shotty yoga practice of 2013 ...well, *shrugs* I wouldn't be getting any better anyway. Soon, I will be there I guess. Who knows. I'm lost. I trust the right things will happen at the right time. I must.

Back to work, yeah?



Jun. 27th, 2010 01:25 pm
angelak: (Change Stone)
After having some dumb LTR moments (Long Term Relationship) moments this weekend, things are probably going to be looking up. I really need to start my circuit training session, but I thought I'd take a few moments to write down about my yesterday.
We've been having issues in general, no specifics do I need to mention just for lack of time.

Fortunately, I had some great friends (Icky, Jessie, and Inna) all supportive during mid day when I was feeling crappy about my situation. On to the better part of the evening:
Finally chose to go out with Jim to Chris Y's birthday party.

I am slowly becoming friends with his friends, although he obviously knows them better than I do. Often they have events and I go, he has to go to work, and I go back and hang out with them because it has been my most accessible social opportunity. So, they are getting to know me. Oddly, independent of Jim. Often. Which isn't common of couples and their work-social networks.......

Regardless, Chris had a nice party. Chris is extremely philosophical, turning 24 last week, usually our conversations are only philosophical. It was hilarious to see him intoxicated.
The other folks drank to excess if you ask me. After dropping Jim and Galen off (to go to work) I returned later to the party to find most everyone seriously passed out. Except a few folks.

Having been the only sober female, I was given to take care of Phylicia, who had had too much. After near carrying her to the living room to settle her down, the single tiny puke happened.

We then headed off to a "bonfire," as soft spoken and smooth Tony the Tiger (the kid has tiger stripe tattoos even) ... we find his bonfire is really some park. Hung out there until I escorted us back to Chris' house. Funny... we were thinking the bonfire was in someone's backyard. Tony the Tiger also invited us to go to another party in Kent... but I wasn't really feeling it. It was 2AM, way past my bedtime. Chris feeling tipsy, single, and enjoying himself all while apologizing constantly and in spite of himself, enjoying me as arm candy and general company. He is way, way too shy for this normally. As Jim and I don't roll in the "get your hands off my woman" route, I continually assured Chris's drunk self that Jim would "not shoot him," for hanging all over me in his birthday-drunkness.

Adorably calling everyone female a "beautiful woman," I couldn't help but laugh at him most of the evening. Especially since he is so wordy and philosophical. I could write a novel about his general mannerism. But for the sake of this entry, I'll leave that out too.
Needless to say, hanging out with Kristen and Curtis, 2 other folks that I always enjoyed... turned into a couple more hour conversation with Kristen, who I have yet to get to know quite so well. Curtis needed a power nap before they hit the road. Had a nice conversation about philosophy and life with Kristen and Chris until we all headed out. I rolled into my front doorstep at 0400 and fell fast asleep. Until Jim came home a few hours later.

Certainly, I felt energized by the social interaction and can see the difference in my overall deportment today. It's apparent that without social interaction and hanging out too often in my house waiting around is not going to cut it much longer for me. I need to reach out.
On this subject, Jessie and Icky would have hung out with me had I *NOT* gone to Chris Y's party. I have noticed the 2 of them are uplifting beyond belief as well. Had I not gotten so occupied in the backyard lawn darts, bad-mitten, and crazy people - I would have gone to my phone to text them the situation.

This being said... I also crave their company soon (and Inna). People take my mind off of the stuff that is trivial but my mind blows out of porportion in boredom. (Like my body, for instance.)

Neeeeedless to say, I abandoned my phone a lot of the night. Felt bad, but also was riding off of social contentment. I don't feel quite on par with Jim yet, although I think this is just a matter of time. There is a lot of frustration spinning around certain issues right now.

1- Overnight schedule
2- Growth and planning of steps that are going to steward him into his nearing 30s.
3- Target just won't cut it forever. For a man so intelligent, this is a crime and as bitchy as this sounds, I just can't fucking stand it some days.
4- Keeping life interesting
5- World of Warcraft, or otherwise known as "The Death." This term coined by my friend Melanie.

(A word on Melanie). She found me on facebook. We were pretty good pals in middle school. Grew apart of time, but have always got along and related in spite of the fact we're vastly different people. We've been chatting a lot on the web. I really want to hang out with her sometime, except that she is very broke and seems to think this is a point that makes it not as useful to chill.

I will have to work on strategies and free ideas of stuff I can invite her to. I'd even pay for certain things, because in all seriousness... my financial situation is really good.

I know my job really wears on me because it is not passionate or inspiring a lot of the time. I am 99% certain it just has to do with being with my same little pond that I have probably outgrown. However... it is at the very least, enough to keep me in house and home with unheard of perks. This is still a phase. I'm not addressing my own advancement issues.
That one is too big of a fish to talk about at the second.

For all intents and purposes though - it makes it easier to do nice things for people if you do have extra dough. I'd say fat around the edges, but I'm seriously pissed off about my extra bf% right now. :P

Oh wells. It does not define me. And I'll be damned if I let it bring me down another day. It's time to live and not obsess over shit that is just a matter of time for me to take care of.
I have a permanence problem: Every issue that is thrown at me FEELS permanent. But I'm here to admit to myself and everyone else: It's almost never permanent. Whatever problem it is.

Like my knees. I ride off of this: I felt like they would never heal, the day would never come when I'd wander around pain free, play bad-mitten on a seriously hilly and uneven surface, wander around on grass, stand for hours and be comfortable in the knees.
But guess what? I healed. I can do all that. I made it.
I run. I jump. I can kneel now.
It wasn't permanent. Maybe a slow process... but I can look back and right now it's just a nasty, nasty, fucked up memory.

I am working on using this to help me put current issues into perspective.

angelak: (AngelaNov09)
As 2009 closes, I've got to say it's been a ride.

I began 2009 on a very happy note, I remember distinctly. I had discovered Yoga and I'd also found my pain levels lowering. It wasn't the complete end, but it was definitely the following steps of my journey to recovery of the knees. To this end, I've learned a great deal in the last 2 years about things I am pretty sure will help me out as I age, and as I continue my journey through this life. Really. When Brenna told me in no uncertain terms this year after a yoga class one day, “pain in one of the greatest teachers,” I only began to understand it more as time passed. I will sorely miss Brenna, she's moved to Moses Lake. :(

Sitting at the end of the year with the low (nearly non existent) levels of pain is pretty much more than I can describe. The 10 pounds that I've yet to drop since the beginning of my ACTUAL healing bothers me a whole lot less than constant pain :)

I'll be targeting a serious launch of some great new things in January. It isn't because of your standard New Years resolution... it's just a matter of timing! I like to make resolutions all year long, and I have a propensity to launch them with pretty great fervor.

Let's explore a few things and get them out of my head:

+ I'll be beginning a 28 day vegetarian meal plan – beginning at my current fitness level and maintaining roughly 1400 calories a day. These will be more specific nutrient rich foods and I am letting the raw food experiments sit in the future, for AFTER I reach my goal weight.

+ I'd like to maintain 4-6 days a week of Bikram Yoga practice when I can. I understand that with my other fitness goals, this might be hard. I'll be starting off with a 2-3 day a week schedule of runs and circuit training. I have to start slow and build up. I'd rather not drop the yoga practice, and build with the other stuff on the side.

So, 3 runs, or 2 runs and 1 CT, or 2 ct and 1 run = alongside of the 4-6 days of yoga. We'll see.
It's going to be a trial situation before I can see how it balances out.

+ I will also be launching a self defense education for myself, as I begin to scale my focus for 2010. January 9th and 10th I am enrolled in Insight Training Centers Unarmed Self Defense Level I .

+ In February, I'll be taking another self defense course offered by another company.

I hope to begin compiling some great skills for my own use, and one day I intend to share the skills I pick up with anyone interested in learning from me. It's the beginning of a skill set I'd like to beef up :)

Fitness and Defense!

Lastly, I'll be launching sometime early in 2010 another 30 day early riser trial. I have slipped out of the habit and am very saddened by this!!! I really got benefits out of gaining time every day before my work schedule, and also maintaining it on weekends.

These are my basics for the early quarter of 2010. I'll be checking in and re-creating my goals quarterly.
2009 marks a year of self discovery and a complete shift in my mentality and mindset.
Will be worried a lot less about the “Future,” and dropping as best I can, constant references to the “past.” My intention is to live in the moment, with the Power of Now.

I believe a greater flow will be achieved with this approach. Stay on deck! I intend also to update on livejournal to keep things fresh and articulate to myself and have some folks on board to watch my life transform itself! Woohoo!
Here goes, right!?

I'll be heading out on lunch here, to pound out a final run in 2009. I'm so blessed.

angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
The weekend was pretty awesome. I felt good leaving the office Friday night; I was eager to hit the Yoga studio for an 8:30PM class. I was also eager to get out of bed and hit the morning 7:30 class on Saturday. On Sunday I also stumbled out of bed to hit the 7:30 class again.

Yes, lots of Yoga lately.
I had a full weekend, but I am forgetting anything but yesterday and Sunday? *furrows brow*
I think Saturday was low key?
Sunday I went out with Jon; we met for our usual coffee/tea. THen we caught some dinner and just spent some really nice time together. Nice, nice.

Went home and then had a nice evening with Jim. Except for the fact we had sex and in a moment of idiocy, chose to put direct pressure on the tendon. This caused it to be sensitive the next morning. I was pissy about this because the three days prior, I had been experiencing what seems like pain free living for me. (It might be a little different than what others experience as NORMAL but, the likeness to that had me on cloud 9).

So, the next morning I had planned to take both the Yoga classes offered on the holiday. (7:30/9:30).
I do the full class minus ANY kneeling poses at this point, and I have one modification that does work for me. There was one I had to give up on because it still gave me a bit of tenderness.

(It's a hate hate relationship with skipping poses, but I'm learning to deal that less is more in this case for me).
If being prone during certain sex positions for like 1 minute will give me 1-2 days of tenderness, there is no way Yoga is going to compromise me either. I just won't do it.

So, iron Will of steel to tell myself to cool it, to sit some out.
The double class was amazing. Linda taught both (I love her) and they were packed classes. We normally have between 7-20 people in classes.

The studio was only doing 2 morning classes, so everyone obviously came early. 7:30 class was 35 people. The 9:30 class was 40!!!!! 40 was a record for me as far as crowded. My legs were pretty tired by the end of class #2, but the class was really amazing. I liked the second class because the entire room of people were uncharacteristically in sync with each other. Our breathing exercise at the end packed an insanely strong punch. It was almost hard to end a class that energetically charged and in sync.

I felt good doing my double.
Then I went home and hung out with Jim. We talked and hung out - and then I showered and we declared it was time for food. We went to Round Table pizza. Salad and pizza was on the menu.

Then we went to Bed, Bath, And Beyond - where they had a super sale, so I bought out the store. Okay, okay. Not really. But I walked out with a LOT of stuff for about 40% of what it would normally cost. Lots of free stuff, and Jim bought me some perfume for my birthday.

The perfume came with a free lotion.

It was buy 3 get 3 free, PLUS one of my other items was perfume, which came with free lotion. You get the picture.

After that we went home and watched Jericho the rest of the night. I enjoyed this immensely. I am now caught up to Jim - having finished all of Season 1, and having finished the very first Season 2 episode. He is on the third Season 2 episode.

Insane show. So, suffice to say that was a lot of rest on the tendon. I also took a power dose of Ibuprofen for my sex induced tendon flare up.
I woke up today and it is feeling pretty good. Which means it took about 2 days only to bounce back. I am relieved. I have not been up and about yet beyond getting in to the office, but stairs at home and into the office seemed good and I feel a lot less acutely aware of my knees at all moments, which signals to me that the pain level is super low today. I also have a Physical Therapy appointment in 15 minutes.

I have not seen her in 2 weeks (first non weekly apt).
My back is feeling upstanding also.
Things feel pretty quiet!!!!!!!!!
Things are progressing. Healing is happening.
It will be interesting to see how the PT apt goes.
I had to schedule it on a work day because everyone had Monday off. I normally schedule those apts on Mondays to avoid breaking up my work day.

I am sure she will notice the IT band tightness is not nearly as severe: intensive Yoga really makes a huge difference on that. I also haven't been running as much lately. The running was threatening to tighten up my back for a while. I might start up soon, but I didn't want to run this morning because I am taking Joe from Records to Yoga tonight, and I honestly think my legs needed a day of bounce back. I don't want to be falling out of poses the day I choose to take a partner incrime to their first class. No worries, I'll leave my ego in the lobby when I go - but still.

Running tends to take its toll on some of the hamstring poses. Like, by pose #2 - the muscles are quaking. While that feels nice at times, I'd just like to relax into some poses tonight if at all possible. (That doesn't mean slack, it just means

I'd like to have some strength and freshness about me!!!)

So anyways. Looking forward to yoga tonight, looking forward to shifting and adding other stuff to my regimen in the coming week or two here. On a size/weight level, Operation Shrink Back Down is going rather nice. OSBD. LOL.

No, no - not ODBC. (For techies, ...)

The jeans I was brave and not sure would fit on my birthday - fit then. Now they are slowly becoming more roomy and comfy.

Bonus. It means I am on my way down.
That is very satisfying. I am trying hard not to overeat. But I am not micro managing too much.
Yoga makes that possible.

Anyways. Time to get out of the office.
Hopefully more later.

angelak: (Default)
Day 14 of the 5AM Trial. I am seeing it is unlikely that I will change my habits back once the end of 30 days happens. I will, however - enjoy the opportunity to slack if I have a particularly rough night beforehand. I'd prefer to keep it as an exception though. I get so much more done pre-7AM.

Yesterday was a challenge: On lunch I tried to find an good outdoor flat venue for an easy/light jog. This seems like it would be easy, but bear in mind that I also am trying not to be as visible to the people of Issaquah. Everyone notices when I go out (I am not being self centered, I swear). I am early on in my actual recovery of my knees, so I don't want people to think I'm suddenly awesome. Like per se, my boss. Therapist approved slow jogs are on the agenda this week.
So I drove to Klahanie, went somewhere that sort of seemed flat. I only went for on/off 20-25 minutes because it was decidedly uphill/downhill no matter what I did. I assumed that although this was risky, I would be okay. I went home, stretched, iced, and then prepared a quick meal and left to go back to work. No shower. Hahaha. Horrible.

This morning, my legs are still feeling pretty loose. The tightening is what now causes issues more than the actual tendons themselves (UNLESS I Kneel directly on the kneecaps). This is a blessing. The tendons are in a stage of actual healing.

This morning I decided that rather than circuit training again (which I would have been able to because I had my 1 rest day) I would go ahead and try another jog - this time pre 6AM at the com center on a treadmill while none of the co workers were around. I went for another easy 20 minute jog with adequate warm up, cool down, stretching, and a few PT exercises. Combining these things is working pretty well. I had also had the presence of mind to blow up my bouncy ball so I can start doing other exercises that Tiann prescribed me.

Today will be the first day I do her 3 exercises (there are others but these are the 3 ball ones) with 20 reps. A couple are pretty hard, but are great for core. I could really use that seeing as Yoga is out for now. I will be making it my goal to do the 30 second balancing the new way of standing that Tiann has taught me, as often as I can throughout the day. My muscles are not as tight as they were being in the last 2 weeks. I cannot describe how tight things were getting. I can go up stairs the suggested way more naturally also. Things are coming along.

I did not have time to ice this morning, but I did extensive stretching after the jog. Things feel REALLY neutral right now. Standing at this moment has become pain free for the most part. Walking feels almost normal. Jogging also does not seem to pose a lot of threat to me. Once I fall into a mild rehabbing routine and I think I will have more confidence in my body. I am working on re-training my thought patterns still to keep my mentality from sabotaging my body. Small steps, time, and actual progress coupled with patience are all this is going to take.

The reason I was so upset in the past months was because I literally was never getting to see any progress. I forgive myself for these frustrations; let's face it, when you see no progress life gets really bleak. Right now I am seeing tangible results for my hard work. And that's all I've ever wanted out of my life. Even if right now - it is in the recovery of injury.

I am also glad I am starting out the runs slow. My body will be MUCH happier if I work into it slowly.
More to come later on today most likely.

angelak: (Can't Run from Problems)
Starting out my day at the office. Got up at 5AM as per my 30 day trial: it's day 13. It isn't hard anymore at all. It comes a lot more automatic, and I have definitely improved on not using the snooze button what so ever. I think by the end of the 30 days my bad habit of the snooze button will be gone, and I think I like being an early riser.

Today I didn't feel motivated to do anything. I didn't meditate, I didn't clean, I just hung out with Jim.
I was contemplating going for a “slow jog,” as per approved by my physical therapist...
But it is hard to convince myself to start again. I know it will be harder than the last time I took these legs out. It's been a while since I ran and therefore it's the “start over,” shitty feeling.
I felt sort of down this morning.

I woke up grumpy. It is hard to hang out with people and not somehow find a reason to be down afterwards. I know that's ridiculous. I've got to get over it. I have a great time in the moment, but later I think about the things I talked about. It's hard, because I get sick of hearing everyone's assumptions about how fast I should heal – or their assumptions about what works and what doesn't. I get sick of the fact I can never really put this whole experience into words. When I try to explain it, it puts me back into the headspace that I have learned is to be avoided: comparing myself to the old me. That is a very strong depressive button for me. Talking and thinking about all the things I used to have (physical strengths and capabilities, as well as looks).
It takes me out of the here and now, and sends me backwards. And backwards is definitely the number one way that I start my depressive cycle. I did it last night when I hung out with a friend. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me – so I try to explain, but it never quite can be put into words except through the people who have been there and watched me fight and struggle and fall and get back up again.

And it makes me angry deep down to know I'm not that athlete anymore. I'm just that plain average person – like everybody else. I'm not badass, I'm not special like that. Instead, I'm even less than average sometimes because I'm limited working with my condition. And that makes me insane.
I can't put it into words, but this is in part why I get pretty anti social. Why I don't return calls, why I don't talk to people. I will hang out, and then feel like a relapse of depression the following day.

But usually I hang out once and retreat back to my reclusive life. Maybe I'm just not giving it enough of a chance. (Social interaction). I'm a great person with strengths and weaknesses and I know that.
I've been really on a roll lately with my attitude and my mentality. But every now and then I have pitfalls. I get even more angry that I can't objectively view my life. I can't be that person that is happy with what I have in the moment. I used to believe in myself. It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to blow off all the things the physical therapist is telling me. It makes me want to go hike and run and push myself. But instead I sit and feel paralyzed with the notions. I feel weird this morning and think it is sad that spending quality time with people who are awesome can take me back to some bad mental patterns. What the fuck is my problem.

I do know I hardly got across my circumstance. It feels impossible to describe what it is to people who have not been close to me the whole time it has been happening. I think this is really what discourages me from people. New people, other people, yada yada.

Oh yeah. My self esteem went from awesome to shitty in 20 minutes. (The 20 minutes it took to fuck over my knees). It's ok. Some people get in car accidents, and that happens in seconds. Doesn't matter how long it took, I am here now, with my new set of lifestyle limits. With people talking about how insane it is that sometimes so fucking youthful not heal quickly like most youthful people.
Fuck it all.

I've never been like most youthful people.
So why should my body heal like most youth?
Might as well heal like a goddamn 70 year old.

Plain jane arms, I let my arms slide.
Plain jane legs, and ass, plain jane everything. I fucking hate it all.

And all the while I know I am attractive, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly.
But none of that matters if the lady in the looking glass isn't my friend.
There is this part of me that would violently beat the fuck out of myself if I met myself on the street.
Some days there is a violent self hatred that comes from the notion that I am not accepting and loving of myself every moment.

There are times I think I'm awesome. Today isn't one of them.
There are times I feel like I'm still pretty fit for an injured person. Today is not one of them.
At least I found out that therapy is covered under my insurance plan.
It's clear I could really use it.
But right now because it started with a work EAP situation, it is geared towards getting my limitations (physically) across to my boss. I have not brought up any of these stupid self-sabotaging attitudes.
I don't like to admit that they exist. But you cannot ignore what lives inside of you.

What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to accomplish?
Am I supposed to be that stupid fucker that sits on her ass for the rest of her life?
Honestly, none of that matters.

When I hang out with people and try and get them to understand my past - I really relive it and end up in that same depressed place I used to be. How dumb. I should stop trying to be something I was and be what I am today. Plain, average, and injured. On the mend. (Although tons better than I was!!!)

What matters is right now, it is the only thing I have.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
I have really wanted to write an in depth post for a while.
But guess what? It hasn't been in the cards until today!

Shit, there is so much that has been happening to me and I'm so behind on the updates. The best I can do is write what I recall and that will have to be better than if I tried to remember what happened a year from now.

First off, been doing mild walks and going easy on my body this whole month, coupled with physical therapy sessions and the rest and drugs in late June. I tried Yoga once last week on Tuesday and quickly discerned that however loosening effects on my IT bands, the ½ a kneeling pose I exercised brought back a relapse of my tendon situation. (A VERY mild one, because I stopped the moment I felt something change in my body). That took 4 days to recover from, ½ a pose. This, I took as good news.

It means that in the next 3 months or so, I will NOT under any circumstances kneel. For any reason, in any capacity. Unless directed by my therapist, which I highly doubt will happen.
It was good for me to go and do this because now I don't have the “urge,” to go to Yoga. The following week, yesterday – was also a busy day.

A very good, busy day. I am on day 12 of my 30 day 5AM trial. My body is adjusting really well and I am enjoying it. So, in the morning on Monday I cleaned my living room 85%. I also (VERY CAUTIOUSLY) moved my couch to a different place, and shifted the weight rack with all my handweights to a different place. I'd like to eventually clear the clutter off the kennel and shift it to a different place in the living room because now it sits in a focal point of the room and that looks bad :P

I had 2 appointments after my house cleaning efforts, one after another.
8:30AM therapy appointment (end of the EAP sessions, start of my regular sessions if I continue to keep doing them for long). And immediately following that, I had a physical therapy session:
This session surprised me. First off, she massaged me as usual and it went really well.
Second off, she gave me more exercises (I am actually happy about that) these were BALL exercises. I need to inflate my ball today, lol.

And then, we were discussing what is acceptable exercise. CT is approved, with 1 lower body exercise only. I will only do things at this point approved by the therapist. She also said I could do some mild “jogging.” So, speed is out (I know that should be a no brainer, but it's hard to train my body to keep it easy when the only way I trained before was basically, top speed for how my body felt every day).

Under 3 miles etc.
Which honestly? Is pretty cool. So I think this week I will be able to start a mild fitness routine again combined with the new exercises and the old ones she has given me. It adds up to quite a bit of time, but I am looking forward to it. I think as a pre-curser reward for any other fitness activity, I will be requiring I complete the balancing act I hate so much before I can move on to the other stuff. To ensure I get it in no matter what, I work on that aspect because I don't really like doing it ;)

The other thing is that I will be focusing on not rushing with my speed when the time comes to go out and get beyond the walking pace. Slow is good. I really hate the term “jogger,” because I prefer “runner,” but – at this point I am going to emphasize to myself that slow is good while rehabbing. This is important.

So, today I woke up with sore IT bands from the massage – but almost no pain in the knees what so ever. I think for the first time in months, my body is finding its way through the healing maze. And this makes me a lot happier. No pushing it. I can handle waiting when I am actually seeing progress. It was just hard to wait when I felt no progress was happening.

Onwards in my path. I am very, very content with things. ON the damage control size/shape thing, I am already beginning to see results of 14 days very strict caloric intake management. (Veggies and fruits, vaggies and fruits, with a few meats thrown in a carbs only sparingly).

I can loosen up a little this week, and then go back for the follow 1-2 weeks with stricter numbers. I think by allowing the numbers to drift up 100-200 this week, it will be awesome.
ON another side note, I am so very happy and proud of my dear mother!
She has kicked past her weight loss plateau and currently at 117lbs lost.

117lbs!!!!! Gone! So happy about this progress. She has no idea how fit she is, either. I told her she walks fast these days. She said she didn't FEEL fast. I said: “when you can do stuff easily because your body has acquired the abilities to do it more efficiently without a high level of exertion,” this is what we call being fit. (My opinion.) Also, “the more arduous the task has to be for you to be challenged,” can also be added to that thought.

I liked how the words came out. So I kept them!

Anyways. I have been trying to write this blog post for way too long. And now I will post it and write a new one later if I get a chance and think of better flow for this. It has been broken up like crazy!

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Much documentation. A real, long post. )

I could write more, but I think I've gotten a few things into my blog-records.

angelak: (Knees)
Last night by the end of the day I was experiencing "knee pain."
I talked with Jim a bit about it. I had done all the physical therapy exercises - I'd used their tips all day long (and I am beginning to see why this place avoids assigned blocks of work outs, instead they opt for everyday movement changes).
It adds up.

By the end of the day, my legs were sore. And my knees. I was panicing again though.
When in the discussion with Jim, it was apparent:
Most likely the pain was muscle pain, and not structure pain. In that sense, I suppose that is wonderful news.
We went for a 30 minute walk together in the 'Quah. That was nice. It gave us a chance to talk.
I really enjoyed it.

We haven't had a lot of focused talk time in not a while. Well - without food involved.
I try to keep our meal speak to simple terms mostly because I know if I start discussing bigger issues, I get anxious and the first thing I do is I actually start wolfing down my meal and not even noticing what I ate.
Which, I dislike greatly. It's just all around no good.

Anywho, we had some life discussions. I find him incredibly refreshing most of the time. And it never ceases to amaze me how much his experiences in Iraq have shaped him. It's not so incredible, but then again - the lense through which he views this world is so much based off of so many of those things he went through.

He definitely has some good advise, ideas, stories, and comparisons to be made. Sometimes in the wrong mood I am resistant to the fact they are "the same," but as I told him last night - usually 2 days later I get what he was saying and I become more than full of gratitude. (I don't think he realized that until I told him yesterday).

I can't put it into words, too difficult.
The discussion stemmed off of the fact that I WAS experiencing pain. I was unsure of whether this was "the same" as my experiences prior - or not. This drums up the worries that, what if I didn't really make progress in the last month etc.
Well, that's hardly possible. My tendons no longer are sore. What is sore, is the areas around my knees (fat pads under the kneecap can get irritated when the rest of the knee is pissy).
After discussing the nature of the pain with Jim, he suggested muscle pain. I have done weird stuff to the muscles before exercising for PTs, so this suggestion - I felt, was probably accurate.

Was feeling like I wanted to try walking anyway.
So, walked, went grocery shopping for quality food that will turn into delicious Angela-made meals.

Went home, iced the knees. Watched the rest of the movie I made Jim watch (an old favorite, "To Sir, with Love.")
Was then out like a light.
Woke up today feeling much better in the knees. THhis allows me 2 pieces of information:
1- The walk was not too much
2- Perhaps machine upgrades, at a rate of one per day or so, will work out for me.
3- Real healing has happened.

This being said, I would like to get onto my next bit of work for the day.
I am sure I will post more on LJ to try and track how my progress is going on a health side.
And well. Because it sucks to look back and realize I created a void in my personal archives.

angelak: (I love my weiner)
Upgraded one of the Finance machines today; noticed that by the end of the upgrade my knees while not having stood much, were feeling sensitive.

I evaluated that due to getting in and out of the chair frequently (although consciously, according to the special way the physical therapist has now taught me to leave chairs) still caused a bit of a new sensitivity. I decided to go home immediately upon finishing the upgrade and treat it as if it were a "work out," which, the physical therapist advised icing after every intense or not so intense workout. Walk a lot? Ice it. Lots of stairs? Ice it.

So, machine upgrade #1 felt very similar to an actual work out might have felt. Seeing as I have yet to narrow these things down, I am really beginning to see how often I get in and out of chairs in my job. Think about it. My job requires me to go from desk to desk. Talk to people - and once I get a good grasp on what their issues are, I usually ask them if I can sit down and take a look-see, right? And sometimes I have to have them test things out a few times before I get to the bottom of their issue; IE, more sitting down in their chair, getting up, sitting down, getting up.

Sometimes the less polite people would have me stand there side ways. Now days I get pushy about seating. It seems sitting and standing the way they advise IS a work out for me. It IS NOT my natural movement pattern. If it were, I gather my problems would not be happening.

Stairs. I've been paying extra attention to stairs. I'm unsure I'm doing it the way they "want," but then again, perhaps I am. I go slowly down stairs and up them now, in order to ensure my knees point outwards, and not inwards.

We'll see how the rest of this week goes. I did get an OK for 30 minutes a day of some sort of low impact exercise. IE: a walk. Biking on the bike machine (blah) or the e machine. The other therapist suggested going backwards on the e machine to strengthen the hamstrings rather than my quads. It could be an exercise in slow and confusing movement, but it might also be just what my spot training would prefer :P

My online nutritionist definitely informed me that it is not uncommon for people to gain 5+ lbs virtually overnight on NSAIDs. I can attest that this is exactly what happened to me. Good news is I am betting once they're out of my system (it can take a couple weeks after you are done taking them) that the weight will probably drop off pretty naturally on its own. (Here's to hoping, cause now I am realizing my ass wasn't so bad before...... silly?)

When you are as self aware about how your body feels like I am, you can literally feel the difference. I know that I'll never be able to gain weight and not notice. It can't "creep on," without me seriously feeling it. Ever since 2007 when I made some life changes, it has been something I am acutely aware of. Double edged sword. I try not to obsess, but it is hard for me. It's an effort to realize that size, shape, and weight are not everything. The world does not crash down around my shoulders when I fluctuate during circumstances like the meds. It is OK and temporary.

Regardless, playing these things by ear and going as easy as possible is my goal. I prefer to burn a few extra calories a day to try and do damage control for the past 2 weeks of sitting and doing ABSOLUTELY nothing, as well as the past 3 weeks of zero work outs at all. What so ever. So starting slow with walks on some days, a bike ride (machine perhaps is safest), and the e machine other days - will probably be my best bet. I really would like to ask about CT, because I did not get a chance to. Now I am stuck waiting till my next appointment. Then again, I might call the clinic. I also fully intend this week to make use of my hand weights instead of ignoring it. If I feel like my arms are still in motion, I think I will feel all around happier.

Yoga must wait. I have other goals: learn how to stand on one foot the way she wants me to without falling over. I had really good balance before. But that was with my incorrect biochemistry. Now I'm being asked to balance more on the outside of my foot than I ever have. Square one with balance.

I also had an appointment with a therapist. (Employee Assistance Program). This is in an effort to find communication solutions to work with regarding my quest to get things through to my boss effectively. And not to mention - I do struggle with being down about the fact that I went from being an ultra lean athlete with a whole scheme of goals for my life that I thought I had a pretty good shot at obtaining... to an average Jane. Average Jane works, but honestly? I am not going to give up on my dreams. I just know now that I have to cope with waiting, and a lot more work than just being an athlete used to require of me. Limitations and training side-lining is a lot more work than just working yourself up.

The tendons feel a lot better.
The new found wealth of softer fleshier body is irritating at worst.
I'm jumping into a more strict diet approach to do a few things for me:
1- Help with losing some extra wealth.
2- Help with stabilizing my moods by eating wholesome, self prepared meals.

This is important to me.
My mentality is greatly impacted by things.
I need to take charge and give myself the best shot at being happy and stable that I can have. It starts with the diet. End of story.

In 30 minutes, I go to the first team meeting in quite some time. 3 weeks? The one before my medical leave was canceled. Team meetings generally represent where I feel unimportant and over looked, or pressured. It exposes a lot of attitudes that tend to trigger my stress buttons. They require a lot of patience on my part. Here's to hoping it all runs smooth and I am positive, energized, and neutral in the meeting.

angelak: (Roses)
Could not for the life of me sleep last night.
This rarely happens to me. Usually, I simply lay down. It takes me 1-10 minutes to drift off. And usually if I have trouble, I read and then I fall asleep. Last night I read, I surfed the internet, I watched more episodes of The Office on our XBOX netflix account, I read some more.

I was very excited to see one of my new favorite self help writers/blogger/author dude, had written a blog earlier this year on polyamory. Wow, this guy who is my new found self improvement educator has chosen as of this year, to engage in polyamorous relationship with his wife. (Or Many if it would come to that.)

Steve Pavlina - can be viewed here, I am reading his book atm.

I left it up on the screen for Jim to read, because usually if I use his computer and I find cool stuff that I know he would enjoy, I just leave the window open. And then he reads it because he's like that.

Fortunately, my boss stationed all the equipment at the workstations for the new machine upgrades. Like it or not, I need to get 4 or 5 done this week.
A little leery on this.
Because there is a training scheduled 3 weeks from now and we need another week to set up the ones that come back for training. No wonder I was apprehensive to come back. I knew this was how it would be; I'm just going to try my best and not hurt myself. I have a lot of post about, but for now - this is all I have time to do before I jump off into machine upgrades. Really.

angelak: (Goddess)
I went to HR this morning to talk about my doctor's note.
They said I needed to fill out their FMLA form.
That being said - I went straight to my clinic to drop it off.
My doctor filled it out, signed it, faxed it to my HR already (before noon).

I then talked to HR and they said to go ahead and talk to my boss about it.
It was easier to talk to my boss knowing HR had already approved my FLMA form.
He took it neutral like - and had a "this is what we have to do," attitude. Relief for me.

Officially, I am taking FMLA (Family Medical Leave) from June 23rd to July 6th.
I will report to work the rest of the week, (2 more days) and then take 2 full work weeks off, returning to the office on July 7th.
I am really in a state of disbelief.


The note

Jun. 17th, 2009 08:14 am
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
And today, I figure out how to present and put my doctor's note for time off work into action.
I don't know what to do exactly?
"Here boss - I have a note."

I think a visit to HR wouldn't be bad. Maybe I will ask them?


1-2 weeks

Jun. 16th, 2009 03:33 pm
angelak: (ShadowFax)
The Doctor's visit went very well.
He did write a prescription for more PT.
He also wrote a note advising 1-2 weeks off. I'd prefer to take the entire 2 weeks if possible.
Next is to set this note in action. Do I start tomorrow with the time off work?

I will have to approach that quite soon - the good news is I got the prescription and the doctor's note on taking time off work for a quicker, more full recovery. Now I must hurry and get in to the PT office.

He also told me the crepitis (sp) has already gone away and that the tendon is improving already. He was very positive about how he thinks I'll be fine, particularly with some extra rest. He said the PT would be good on helping guide me into more activity once again. To say the least, a lot has gotten accomplished in the course of this Tuesday.



Jun. 10th, 2009 04:17 pm
angelak: (Knees)
Armed with prescription NSAIDs, anti-inflammatory drugs, I will tread the next 3-4 weeks in hope that the prescription I have received will help the body fight the good fight, and tip itself back into equilibrium with the tendons.

IE - spur healing via YES, some pain relief, and YES, shooting down any excess inflammation. My #3 doctor, (in the last 14 months I've seeked assistance started from week 1, and 2 other times with doctor #2).
This is visit #5, with doctor #3. He is just a GP. No problems with that, he still seemed surprised nobody wanted to even give prescipt NSAIDs a try in the duration (rather lengthy duration) of this condition. He classified this case as a very persistent case, and said that it sounded like I didn't really NEED PT again, although he'd be happy to prescribe it if I wanted it. I am honestly thinking my Yoga does just as much as a PT setup would - if not MORE thorough. Most decidedly, more thorough.

If the NSAIDs aren't going to work for me, he said he would send me to this clinic's Othorpedic doc. At which point, he would do X-rays, or whatever the hell else I reathis lly need because at that point, the persistence is high. He said perhaps cortisone shots - although, (and I finished his sentence before he could get it out) they always avoid cortisone shots in tendons because there is always risk of rupturing the tendon because the tendon is weaker than a lot of other things in the body. (And once you do that, it's never ever the same).

At which point he said, "you've obviously done your homework."

So, this being said - he did say there was no magic pill, but that I obviously knew that no magic would make this go away. I told him about my experience with ibuprophen: he said I was taking far too low of a dose to make actual headway.

Okay. I thought 600-800 mg a DAY would be enough. I was scared to take too many. He said, "you'd need that 3 times a day to make a difference."

Therefore. I really haven't had a good trial run with NSAIDs until, starting today - June 10th. And I will hope that as the days pass, more and more mild symptoms occur. I am very, very in tune with my body. I think this is going to be a turning point. I truly and strongly Will and believe that this IS going to go away. ON a side note; I think my legs are more muscular around the knees now than when I took that icon picture. Just sayin'.

angelak: (ShotGun-Angela)
I haven't posted since last week!!!!
So here goes.

The weekend went at a nice pace. Not too fast, not too slow. Not too busy, not too dull.
Enough stuff, enough cleaning, made some headway with my house. Happy about that.
I walk around and it feels lived in, but not overtly cluttered. Lived in; I can deal. Cluttered EVERYWHERE, I begin to exhibit irritation at the universe. Chaos doesn't suit my mentality for a neutral head space, honestly.

Rufus had digestive issues all weekend long – that was no fun.
He seems to finally be getting through it.
Thank goodness.

I haven't run in the past week or so, but I went for a walk around Greenlake. As usual, I CAN go for walks, but often times on certain surfaces I do end up paying for 2 days in slight tenderness in the tendons. This doesn't make my recovery any less, it just means I experience discomfort. I wouldn't have traded the gorgeous day and pleasant lake for anything. One day I'd love to run around that lake.

Spoke with a co worker who has HAD patellar tendinitis. He was going on about his 90 mile hike when I said, “You are a beacon of hope for me.” And told him I remembered his patellar tendonitis he mentioned once, and now he was able to do things. I asked him how that journey went for him; and he told me they prescribed Celebrex to him – particularly because he had taken enough ibuprohpen that it burned a hole in his tummy. He told me more about the situation - and I wondered why, in 16 months no one had prescribed ME a Cox inhibitor. NO, it's not a magic pill, and all drugs have side effects, but honestly?!? So I made an appointment and today I will be asking my doctor that I saw years ago for a back problem – about Celebrex. Just because it couldn't hurt to kill pain and inflammation in one swoop. You never know, a nudge in the right direction could be all my body needs to send it back into equilibrium.

16 months into my situation, I'd hope so.
Regardless, moving on into other avenues. Got some good goals going on.

Last night marked day 9 in the 30 day challenge.
Ran out of steam at the end of class; likely a blood sugar/electrolyte issue.
That happens every now and then :P

What else, what else?
I know posting anything is better than nothing because the little things fall by the way side and when I go back 2 years from now and read this, I will be glad I recorded it. Jim and I are doing fine.
Working on the household and perfecting how we do things.

As far as my life on a grand scale:
I am convinced that things are turning around for the better.
That I am making headway on my emotions and my life circumstances.
June is going to be the turning point, in my opinion – and this is good. Excellent.
I have decided right here, right now.

And I am living every day in the moment.
So tonight – I hope day 10 of Bikram treats me okay!

angelak: (Knees)
On a different note, it's time for bodily updates.
I've been trying to stay strong and positive.
Some weeks I excel at remembering that life is great, that I'm still strong, mostly lean – healthy. Fit.
I know I'm still athletic even in the course of my physical challenge.

Other weeks I'm heart broken because I wish I could do the things I miss.

Today I feel pretty good. My knees are feeling mild after taking more rest days from run days.
And the Portland trip gave me 6 hours of road trip. I also minimized my standing at our destination.
I rubbed my tendinitis lotion on my tendons a couple of times a day to keep the pain low.

Today it seems standing is less painful again.
This always makes me cheerful.
When standing does not hurt me, I'm so much less dark in mentality.
I get dark and unhappy when standing for 10 promotes pain.

Jim reminds me that hardships are lessons, and although it is clear I am facing lessons and challenges that are making me stronger for later in life – it does not mean it won't suck in the interim.
When he gives me advice and support like this – I find it to be the most effective.
Sometimes he doesn't realize it. I try to show him and tell him, but when the support is so useful and soul-seated, it's hard to express it into words.

I forget when things regress that I have made tons of physical progress. I get scared and let fear carry me away in a river of sadness.
I can only be so strong, and some days I feel like I am failing myself in internal strength and fortitude – coping, when I let the sadness take over.
The hard days and tears tend to be briefer, less erratic, and much more short lived.
Yes, I cry for the months and miles of trails that I miss, and the work productivity I wish I had – and the envy and outright jealousy I have for those who can go do what I used to do, and will one day do again.

I have to remember that it always feels like shit when you're going through shit.
But I know that anything is possible, and I can make my own reality and use my own Will to power through life.

Life carries on, and today I have a nice, strong – low pain day. I plan to circuit train today, yoga tomorrow. I think these things will allow an extra boost to healing and then I will hit the pavement again for some runs. Intervals are over-rated right? Steady and slow is fine.

And I don't really think I am slow though. Just not fast. Which means I'm taking moderate pacing.
Beyond that? I am just trying to work on nutrition, nutrition, nutrition. Health is important to me. And not just joint and mental health.

angelak: (Sad)
What I would give to go on a hike.
What I would give.

Today is a strange day for me. I knew I was waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I felt moody early on – and it hasn't really improved.

Today has turned out to be a high pain day for the knees.
That's ok. It's lower than it was consistently for months – it just disappoints me to have these. My confidence can take its toll. I think it had to do with a shift in running territory – a good test. Also I have done a lot of work today, putting me up and down stairs all day.

I woke up it felt pretty good, so it was mostly work stressed.
Then as the day wore on, I began hearing from a friend of mine about his hiking trips. Sort of reminded me how much that was important to me in my life.
And then I read my latest Runner's World mag and realized I can't do speed work at all.

I've got so much, gained so much in the past month or so, but today is a low mental day. And then I can't help but think of my boss not taking me seriously. Julie is “down hard,” according to him due to her knees.

I wish she'd never experienced knee problems. And now I get to watch how he responds to someone else. I should not care or pay attention, I don't know.

I recognize that life is what it is. I can't change my situation. I can't change my body. I've got to just keep on keepin' on.
Why do I want to ball my eyes out? It's been a while since I felt this low. It also corresponds with the same week I went out to see all the eastside people. For some reason I find a lot of emotional turmoil that I end up facing. I don't know. These kids just live carefree in some sense.

Is that it?

Today I feel so much anger, repression.
I don't want to be a pile of teary garbage today. I want to be chipper and upbeat.
But there are these sad tears lying beneath the surface. The kind that constrict your throat and make your eyes burn. I want out of this damn office, pronto. Maybe I really need the Yoga today - it is on my workout schedule for the day, Just Yoga, nothing else. I just hope I can make it to class.

If nothing else for the emotional stabilizing aspect, and perhaps pain resolution for these damn tendons. I hate this. I hate this so much.

This too, has to pass. These feelings have to go away.
They're temporary, they do not define me. They don't define my life.

I guess.

angelak: (Fuck Off)
Fun. Fun, fun.

Team meeting days are my most dreaded part of this job, usually.
Why? Because it exposes to me how my condition is taken by my superior.

It took me months to ask to get team meeting reassigned to a seated venue.
And then it happened and everyone gave me crap. We moved our venue to somewhere seated for my condition.
Finally getting used to the ease of being on the same level as everyone during the meeting - getting comfortable with a real venue.

Julie sustained some knee problems within the last 1-2 months. I've been dealing with mine for about 14-15 months now. (I have more status on that - but first stories first).
Now, we're moving the meetings upstairs. The way the boss sounds to me is a lot more serious in listening to her concerns and dealing with her issue. Less joking. Less comic. More serious. This really grates on me. Mine always seemed to be some fucking laughing matter. It was my fault that when they made jokes, I didn't say much. That's because I was afraid if I did, I'd cry.

Yes. I became THAT sensitive about it. I'm not proud of that - but I'm human. It felt like there was all sorts of pressure around my requests. Now I get to watch a woman in her 40s, instead of me - a woman in her 20s, get a lot different treatment than me.

It really bothers me. So now, we're meeting upstairs to avoid wear and tear on HER knees. No one is giving her garbage over it. It's just happening, no questions and garbage attached. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOW IT WAS FOR ME.
I've been having a really super morning.
This minor disruption annoys me.

Ahhh, hell. I'm letting it pass over me - I won't let these co workers steal my peace.
A part of me feels like Julie is also doing it enjoyably because, 1- She hates me, 2- She enjoys powerplay.

I understand she has a real condition - which, the doctors say she could make go away with surgery, but she chooses not to take that option out of fear of surgery -....

But ja. I also happen to know she is eating this whole thing up.

Whatever. I will sit and stare at everyone's knees in the meeting while I sit down and they stand around the same damn fucking counter that started a lot of pain for me weekly and no one gave a crap.

No one will steal my peace today though. I will write this over and over again and repeat it to myself, because none of it is worth my happiness. None of this stupid bullshit here at work matters.
And to be honest... today I woke up and walked around in my body and felt - yet again, a markedly lower level of pain. And I ran yesterday!!!!!

Maybe my life is falling into place.
Even if these people at the office remind me that people assume if you're 24, it's ok to make jokes about your pain and your hardships.
Do 60 year olds love to see kids like me struggle this way? Maybe they have no idea because my pain doesn't show on my face or in my body when I move. I like to think I'm a tough girl, I've done my best to show how vulnerable I was. It's hard when I just don't naturally belly-ache about pain. It's been something I wasn't nearly as sensitive to my whole life. My mom attests.

I think lifting/circuit training on lunch will give me a great opportunity to drop any tension this has given me. Thank gods!

I am getting stronger and the pain is leaving my body. The hope welling inside of me grows.

angelak: (Knees)
Again – it has been some time since I updated my live journal.
I really feel it's time to update!
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my injury making itself known.

12 months ago this journey began.
Somehow I've embraced my new set of life challenges and there are so many things I cannot put into words. Except that I've fully accepted where my life is today -
and I feel happy with my life right now. I wasn't sure that I could be at that place for a long time, without returning “to life as it was.” But now I know I cannot drive a car or live my life looking backwards. You'll crash every time, and you'll never get what you think you wanted.

I'm very optimistic about healing and where I am. It may not be 100%, and it may be months before I can be painfree or even do little things that so many people take for granted.

But how can I minimize all the lessons this pain and injury have taught me along the way?
I found Bikram Yoga through this injury.

I would never have tried it without the desperation I had with my injury. And now I can't imagine life without it. Maybe I won't be the 4-6 day a week practitioner that I am today, but I know it is something I'll want in my life as I continue to grow stronger in the tendons and in life. I feel like it helped me grip my life again, beat the depression without meds, and appreciate all the things in my life that I was so unable to see when I was so low from life throwing me off my horse.

I'm back to getting that 100% satisfied physical body that I so worked hard for in 2007, and I'm back to respecting the choices I make and even living life within my job without going totally nuts.
I have so much more patience to power through the little things.

The little things that can either make or break you.
I've seen the worst of myself, and I feel like in the last 12 months I came out the other side. I'm not uninjured yet. But the light is growing closer at the end of the tunnel.
And today, to celebrate my 1 year anniversary of all this, I am going to go for a 20-25 minute run as per doctor approved. Today standing has hurt me so much less! This makes me so hopeful.

Mass on Saturday childing was not too bad considering.
And Mass was after other more standing activities earlier in the day.
The day after mass and earlier muchly standing activities equated to a low pain day. I was shocked. I felt sure I would pay for my Saturday with more sensitivity. I could cry, because the last couple of days have been very good on the knees.

So today, (it's been a week since my last run, which doesn't bother me – more rest=more tendon recovery time) I will run again and think of my life and how lucky I am to be able to run at all. 10, 15, 20, or 25 minutes is golden to me. When before, I used to act like anything less than 40 minutes did not count.

I look back at that me and I just shake my head. How could I have known what I had? I'm not that same girl I was. And I am very thankful that I am who I am today. I miss a lot of things – hiking, standing and talking without even thinking about how long that is, walking about, carrying stuff, pushing myself with no worry – but I don't miss the fact I took all those things for granted.
I truly have an appreciation I don't think I could have gotten without living through this.
Here I am. Today.
Strong and lean in different ways.
The runner in me doesn't ever fade, and it doesn't matter if that's for less than once it was. I also have this gut feeling that one day, this will all be a memory.

I can beat this thing and come out pain free. But I will never ever forget to take precaution for my body.

On other notes; life is becoming way more social, and I am making slow advances spiritually and magickally. These things are nice.

Me and Jim are also very strong right now. This bodes well.



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


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