Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
angelak: (Default)
I'm going to start out with simple posts first and warm up to real life posts. Hello, 3 people on my list. HELLO, WORLD!

This still counts as real life:

The pleasant reality of my husband and boyfriend going to dinner because I am not eating (starve diet until Tuesday) and the husband had to stop starve diet early due to sore throat issues. Jimmers likes to eat; Sean likes to not be sick. Now they're happily headed off somewhere to talk about games for a couple hours. And the fact that I did a bunch of laundry sorting and found Jim's socks and underwear and had them in a special pile that Sean asked, "what's this?" and I said, "oh, Jim's underwear and socks." Then I said, "a normal husband would be freaked out by that, I suppose." Poly life. These two are nothing alike and have their share of differences, but they sure get along well. Metamour win.

angelak: (Sleeping)
Just going to write here for the sake of writing. Had a nice evening last night. Very normal, average, routine. Except we set up with a simple HDMI cable, Jim's computer downstairs. The benefits of this abound. Particularly that I think he may notice Amber's requests to go out more than prior when he was Repunzel in his tower on Floor #3 in 874.

Also, when I come in the door, I won't have to trudge upstairs immediately to alert him I am home.
That sounds like it's not a big deal, but after 5 years, I'm frankly sick of that. No need for an intercom system :P

Perhaps less dishes will migrate into floor 3... we'll see. I'm feeling optimistic about a simple move of computer. I said it jokingly about 3 weeks ago, and BAM, it happened for real. !!!
Just feeling at peace for the moment, and that feels good.

Let the weekend garbage die.
Last night July 4th plans were finalized. Can hardly wait.

The weekend was pretty cool. I know we went out on the boat a few times, and in the last couple of weeks I've discovered the beauty of night-time Lake Union time. How fun!!! My favorite was the evening we went out and I read my novel out-loud to us. How much more fun does it get? The only bummer is I don't really watch the boating environment if I am reading, but it was a lot of fun all the same. I sort of ate whatever I wanted, mostly drinking lots of wine over the weekend and skipping all scheduled workouts. That's okay. Sometimes it just feels good to live.

We also had to go nab Amber, a furchild-care issue related to the Leavenworth trip of Jim's. That worked out. As DriveHouse is not Amber-proof, we crashed at 874.

It turned out quite well in the long run, my favorite part being Amber's first trip out on the boat. Fritz is people centric and less independent. All he cares about is clinging to his people. Amber is very, very independent. She loved standing at the bow of the boat and staring out over the water, challenging ducks by barking at them, and generally just being more dog-like and interactive with the fact she was on a boat with water all around. In general, she tolerates water better to begin with. I just had to watch to make sure the crazy girl didn't get any ideas about jumping in, in front of the damn boat. You know. Like ya do.

The bad news was when our front snap cover ...blew into the marina while we were out. It was gone when we got back one of the times. Meaning a make shift covering of the front of the boat until Sean can get a new one. (not cheap).
I'm a strong swimmer... I also love swimming. But there have been times I've had water phobia. Sean would have dove in to look for the cover under the water in the Marina, but he is still recovering from shoulder surgery.

I was about to with my goggles and bikini, but you know. I was truly mortified by Lake Union waterworks marina water. I really don't want to see what is down there for some reason. I jumped in. For 2 seconds. Decided I wasn't going to be able to goggle around and find the damn cover.

So that was that.

Lake Union is gross, I'm sorry. It's gross as fuck and I don't want to know what's down there for the moment. :P
It is mostly frustrating to have a phobia at all, especially given what a strong swimmer I am, and mostly logic driven woman I am about a lot of these things. So annnyyyyyyyyyyyway. And you know, I wanted to find that damn cover. Took some nasty dry Chadonnay to alleviate my feelings. I need to get some boat worthy wine that I fucking like. I was just drinking what Sean had, which sounded like shit that Tammy liked back in the day. (Exgf). I think I need to take over and get tasty wine. I'm not a big cheap wine fan. I want something I love or don't bother. But you know, beggers cannot be choosers, and he had this other stuff. I was drinking it because I thought he liked it. He had drank it for Tammy because she liked it. But then he mentioned Tammy likes cheap wine, anything to get a buzz on. That's a bit less my wine style. Give me quality. I don't want a buzz on without fine deliciousness involved really. I'm a booze snob, yes - it's true. I wasn't at 21, but a few years later I got over that "let's get smashed for the sake of it," thing.

Oh yeah, We also did Father's Day at my parents'. It was super fun, Me and Sean went and then Jim showed up later. We also got Jill cupcakes and I bought her half of her new Horse Show Shirt. $100 shirt, but it looked great and will work for her shows for a long time to come. Now that her elbow is healed, we can actually have taken her to the tack shop to buy it. Anyway, good family fun and it is good to see James with a great lady that is kind, low drama, positive, happy as a person. She brings him to a place he always deserved to be with a partner.

angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
Friday. Took Benedryl. Half worried that when my real drugs wear off, that my allergic crap will come back. But we'll see. I can always use the Benedryl that keeps knocking me out - right??

Drinks with co workers tonight after work. Looking forward to it if my brain wasn't so addled. I am thinking maybe I will have a couple of drinks for once. I think I will invite Sean after all. Shrug.
We'll see. He, Sean, is off to see Man of Steel with his C.

So if he's free in time, I think I'll have him come along. Shake things up. I'm sure JF is curious to meet the "other" that she knows exists.

I miss Judy. I miss Judy a lot in this office.
Life moves on.

In other news, the weekend looks relatively clear, so that's good news.
Up and down goes my personal life. Mostly I think if I just keep being stubborn and working on myself, working on everything I want. Never give up.

Boring isn't better.
I need a damn nap though.
Jim invited me to see Man of Steel before I found out Sean was seeing it. STOKED> I think we might see it tonight.
Sean might come along too. I was excited that Jim invited me out to see a movie. It's the little things.

angelak: (Penguin)
Was supremely busy at work nonstop. Skipped lunch, came home. Tidied the house a little (it needs a lot, but I won't discuss that), and then Sean came over to deliver some cube steaks that he feels will go to waste if they stay in his fridge.

Jim came home, 3 of us went to West Coast Armory so Sean could look at the assault rifles and see if there was any better deal than what has been out there.
Headed to FedEx for Sean to pick up his light-saber package that he will use at RadCon, and then headed back home. Sean left, hung out with Jim rest of the evening.
Trying to get into the habit of LJing, so here's the back-in-the-day run downs of what things used to go on the LJ !!!!

I forgot that more than one post a day used to happen for me!!!!
Waiting for my laundry to finish so I can go to bed.

Tomorrow I start eating food again (rather than the last several days on the HCG diet.) Looking forward to using oils and lotions and conditioners and hair products again.

I held off due to the recommendations of said diet.

angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

Quick 2012 RunDown. )

2013 arrives.

angelak: (JimAngelaKissing)
Not full of a lot of words right now. Not remotely. Week 5 has been interesting. Working through the posture clinics, working through the yoga, learning how to relax through situations that I just can’t be any better in. Booked Jim’s flight early in the week so he could fly in this weekend. I felt much more grounded all week long. I started off the week delivering triangle and did pretty well if I do say so myself. Next day was not so great, but they’re all blurring together by the end of the week.
People all were saying it would be “hell” week. I get tired of the labeling and the mock predictions. The heat in the hot room went up Thursday and Friday. I worked very hard in these hot classes, especially the ones where Bikram was there. Jim Kallet’s Friday night class wasn’t really motivating, but we got through that too.
Then Jim came to visit. It was nice to have him here. I wish I had a mental head space for words about all the things going on. But I just feel inadequate to write down what is going on to me here. It’s and up and down process, and sometimes – I just don’t have words for any of it. I know I’m changing somehow, I know I am also becoming better and better at memorizing, but I feel unsure of what that really looks like. I miss Jim already, we just dropped him off at the airport.

He showed up after my Saturday morning class, and honestly it felt surreal. Having him here felt very natural, very normal – but it also felt like just by having him here, the yoga bubble was somewhat deflated. And I liked that. That was a good thing. I also felt like I was retaining the lines better with him here. Someone to talk to, to lean on, to touch… I think I miss touch the most here. It was almost easier without having seen him to not miss him because I had become so accustomed to it, in ways. But so much is clear to me now. How much our shared energy really works for me and who I am as a person, how much his company really is organic and comfortable and everything I could ask for in a partner. He’s the most perfect person I could never have imagined to share my life with.
He doesn’t have to do anything or be a certain way – he just is this for me.
So, I mostly retained 2 postures so far over the weekend and still have a few hours of the night to pick up one or two before bed? We’ll see. I figured I’d write in this blog before my brain falls out. He helped me study all weekend by just listening and letting me say stuff outloud and just generally being with me. So the touch part – the leaning on someone is the most difficult part.

The weekend with Jim included us renting a car so we could drive to Venice Beach, we went shopping there, Jim got 3 specialty shirts down on the boardwalk there, and I got one. We went to the Santa Monica pier, we ate at Bubba Gump’s – but the food was not the best for my sensitive apparently – system. Who knew my body would be more sensitive after all this probable detoxing? Today we went to Manhatten beach, had breakfast, got tea, went to a bakery, went and did all my errands, and just hung out at the ocean for a while, took a solid nap snuggling each other. He also went with me to Kohl’s to find more posture clinic clothes. Then we met up with Curtis for dinner, and Curtis took him to the airport and dropped me off back at the hotel.

The weekend with Jim felt long, but now that he is gone it is only mildly difficult to know I have 4 more weeks before I see him again, and a lot of work ahead of me. I just hope this week I can power through and stay strong. I know we’ll continue getting less sleep, and my body felt fatigued as hell this weekend. Hopefully I will regain energy as the week starts off and that I will be able to spit out words on que. I can see how nice it will be to come home and resume regular life with my best friend … that part is clear to me. Hard to see him go, it was a welcome reprieve from the “living with folks who know me, but not the real, real me.” Sigh. What a week last week was. I am proud of last week, but also looking ahead and feeling overwhelmed for week 6. And I’m not sure why!

angelak: (Lauren Graham Perturbed)
4 days to go. )
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Powering through week, getting lots done. Today, I had fun checking all of my "deal" websites for unused vouchers. I tend to procrastinate on certain vouchers (for instance, getting my car detailed). I went through November sort of buying some great deals on LivingSocial, Groupon, and Tippr.

I have FINALLY made an appointment for one of my 2 car detailing vouchers. It will happen in just over a week, and I'm SOOOOO THRILLED! (Actually, Saturday March 12th) Classy is going to be clean and tidy inside. I am taking EVERYTHING out of the trunk, as well as inside, so that it can be as if I was driving it off a used car lot after it had been spiffed to try and trick you into thinking that a used car is really not that used ;)

Classy used to be brand new, but she has earned the title of "used," through all 85,000 miles that I've put on her. And as a tribute to paying her off, I had purchased the detailing voucher. I kept procrastinating on calling.

I have been using some of the other vouchers. Today I purchased the 2 fandango tickets for $9. Trying to get Jim to purchase one today also - so we can see movies on the cheap. I know we'll want to go to one eventually. And in a few short minutes, I will go take a quick run in the rain. It is obviously not as cold as it has been lately, so this I am grateful for. Hopefully it goes quick. After that, it sounds like Jim is in the mood for some "consumer whoring." He wants to go to Fry's and shop for stuff. I'm not sure what brought this on, but he will be looking at external drives, video cards, and possibly a netbook.

I'd like him to get a netbook so he could browse stuff (videos and facebook are his addiction when he is not gaming, and I have to admit I got him addicted to facebook, and now I hardly browse on it that often). And be in the same room as me. Who knows what he'll walk away with. But it's rare that he gets in a "Let's buy shit," mood, given his squeaky tendency regarding the cash monies. I also think we will check out laminate flooring at the home improvement store near Fry's. Or something. I've confirmed he is interested in replacing the bottom floor carpet (which is about half of our downstairs, which is about 1/6th of our entire house).

We'll see. I really want to do it. I think it would force us to fix our living room to be shiny and clean, and be a whole new look to the house. It does sound a lot more entertaining that simply going home and watchin' videos, so I'm a little excited. What else? It's the end of my workday, and it's time to hit the ground running and get that workout over with! I was proud that while I worked until just after 9:30 last night (when I started around 7:30) I still managed to circuit train. I was tempted to just go to bed and make that "day off #2" which is all I allow myself, but then I couldn't ditch Friday or Saturday. I'm confused because I accidentally switched my workout tracking Mon-Mon... and it has always been Sun-Sun. So I guess I may switch back to Sun-Sun. I've done that tracking since like 2007, so it hurts my brain to switch to Mon-Mon. I realize all of that is very confusing. Nevermind.

Also excited that my friend from Australia is coming to visit Seattle at the end of this MONTH! w00hoo!!

That was totally random.


30 day Challenge, Day 2.
angelak: (Mystery In You)
Given the fact that Jim's tires on his Front Wheel Drive car are pretty much bald, and the 3-4 inches of snow that we got here in our neighborhood, we decided that he had two options. Call out - or get a ride from me down the hill in my AWD Subaru, the one that just got new tires.

I found myself clambering out of bed at 5AMish, (in spite of his strong inclination to call out) which resulted in... Jim to arrive at his place of employment pretty much on time. And I think maybe I should brush my teeth and hit the gym, instead of wasting the fact that I'm awake on going back to sleep. Just maybe. Tempting to go run in the snow because I've never done that, but I'm not sure that's my idea of an awesome morning? It might not go as easily as I'd wish. However, there's something very tempting about the adventure and the challenge. I just don't want to land on my ass somewhere on the sidewalk. That would suck. My other alternative is the treadmill. Or should I say, Dreadmill. Do I really want to hit the dreadmill? These are the hard questions I face. And I don't have much time to make up my mind.

I guess I will just go to the warm gym. It's smarter. And warmer.
Wait. Let me take this back. This is going to sound silly, but I let my hair dry last night so I could flat iron it today...
Crap. Maybe I will hit the gym AFTER work. Hm. This is too difficult. ;) I would apologize, but this is my journal, so no apologies are needed: for the goofy, early morning, stream of consciousness for the day.
Hell. I can flat iron it tomorrow.
At least there's one thing: my car is already cleared off for my commute in.
And another early morning notion: If I had an Airline company, I'd call it Angela Airlines.
I'm just saying.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
So far, so good! I've been keeping a very close log on what I'm eating and balancing it out. I might be good to go with a balanced vegetarian/flexitarian diet - as that's what I've been toying with, coupled with some iodine and other trace minerals. After my Russian class today, I am going to go chillax with [livejournal.com profile] violindaine, because it's literally like 5 minutes from her house. Every time I've left class since I began it in January, I think "Wow, I'm so close to Icky's house..." Warning, Girlfriend, (you're the best though, because I know you'll get this) my brain is usually toast by the end of my 2 hour class. It isn't used to all this intense use anymore. :P

Anyways - sadly, this has been a pretty bad study week. Mostly because a lot of the week I was crashing too early in the evening and usually my best study times are at the gym on the elliptical trainer. This week I didn't even create good study guides! So last night I finally got to it, hopefully my brief session last night and another session today will do the trick enough to get me through class tonight; and I REALLY hope she gives us another week to cement the stuff she gave us last Sunday.

She DID give us a lot: Large Numbers (10, 20, 30, on up to 10,000) and months, and weather, and plural/singulars, and numericals (first, second, third, so on). THAT is a lot of material. Oh yeah, and some tongue twisters, which the entire week I *was* working on. Yeay.

Other than that, today I will be going for a run in the sunshine as soon as I finish this entry, brush my teeth, and use my neti pot.

I was happy to hear from Lance from CGW1 last night. He called me to inform me he's given his notice at his job and IS headed WEST baby. (From Boston). Portland will be his new home in just a matter of weeks. Profound and wonderful. I admire people who make these moves, because up until this point in my life, I haven't made any major plunges like this.

So, back to the energy factor... I do feel a slight difference already. I went on a long, relaxed walk yesterday for my "workout" also, instead of something harder. I took Fritz, and he hated it because I refused to turn around after 20 minutes, which is his preferred walk time :P Today I will keep it to a minimum pace and run to see how it goes. It is likely for now, I'll be alternating what it is I do.

I would also not mind taking my notes with me to the gym if I have time, after my run and walking on the treadmill for a brief amount of time so I can study the Rooski-ye.

I think a big key for me is going to be making sure I get enough calories, and doing the meal timing first thing in the morning (within an hour of working). It might be that I am generating some issues by not balancing my system - and it also might be that I am especially vulnerable on account of genetics. Who knows, it's not really my concern why or much else beyond "what's going to make me feel great and support me?"

And I have to admit, while I love raw foods... I'm also enjoying this whole foods approach with cooked meals again. No denial there :)
So right now, I'm using My Fitness Pal.com, which I found by searching for a calorie counting application for my phone. I stumbled upon it and realized, Holy Shit, this is a tool-rich, free website with all I need too!

As far as Sunday, Today is a Great Vos-Cre-Seen-Ya (Sunday) because........
Tomorrow is a furlough day for me! Oh yeah, I also have to go to GameStop and get my Valentine's day gift for Jimmers. He doesn't know it yet, but I have plans. He doesn't have tomorrow off, but that is okay. He has already apparently gotten me a gift, and one that made him want to check his bank account balance :P That's unlike him........ whatever! I don't need gifts, right now all I need is Jim. He's been amazing these past 3 weeks. Pretty much ever since I got back from LA and Santa Barbara, our relationship has shifted to another gear. I'm not sure why, how, or what - but I don't care. It's like we've reached a deeper level again. It's making me more excited than I can express. I'm grateful, I don't take a minute for granted these days.

And it makes me feel over the moon in a way, because I know that come April, we'll celebrate 5 years, which is breaking my records (while I know love isn't about breaking records, I'm a Virgo, so in a way - it is). LOL.

I haven't celebrated 5 years with anyone, and at the end of 2010 I was beginning to dread the fact I was going to hit that 4.5 mark and fall away. Again. Like my last relationship that hit the 4.5 mark ;)

It was not a good feeling.

But now I think it's apparent that we've progressed to a different phase in our partnership, and I foresee some pretty cool stuff ahead for us. I'm excited again to see where we're headed, and for that I'm incredibly grateful. And so this year, we're not going to do our usual Same-Old Melting Pot trip. I think we should aspire to do something else... something new and special!

So, here's to another couple of months before I figure out (because he HAD said last year he had an idea, and then he promptly forgot, which I knew he would when he came up with it, but he didn't want to tell me so it would be a surprise). :P So therefore, I'm not sure what idea he had, because yeah - he kept it to himself for surprise factor, and very Jim-like, he forgot ;)

Anyway. If I don't wrap this up, I will never get to brush my teeth, run water through my nose, and run. :P Don't forget the floss. For the teeth.

angelak: (Deep Thought)
I have restarted this entry a few times in the last 30 seconds. Oops.
Today, I owe it to myself to work out. ;) Last night I did much of nothing other than eating ice cream, which doesn't particularly agree with me. Oops.

But other than that and not studying Russian, I napped and just generally hung out with Jim for the evening. And today, I want be more productive. It has been hard to keep the motivation up with Yoga. I lose motivation when I cannot stick to the same things, and I've been really rotating my workout setup.
Between mild runs, the elliptical trainer, circuit training, and yoga. It's a lot for me to handle ;)
And sometimes I've been a little less focused than I have been the last 3 years. I'm not sure why. It may just be a place I'm in right now.

I suppose that is okay. Anyway, today I have other ideas. Good ones. Including building a vision board, and possibly discussing dog-ideas with Jim. In March it will have been the 1 year mark for Rufus and his exit from this World and his entrance on the other side. I have wanted another dog at times. And other times what we have with Fritz is fine. Unfortunately, when I was ready for another dog, the breeder situations weren't panning out and stuff just got in the way. And then I was distracted by Sasha, travel, and really focusing on this, that, and the other.

We'll see what happens, but I'm wondering if perhaps an older dog solution, the same one I had in my mind for a year or two prior to Rufus dieing might be the ticket. I'm not sure what breed anymore. I was thinking a larger breed briefly, was thinking a Dachshund yet again briefly, and now I'm just not sure. The right dog has to choose me at this point. In a way, I only considered a puppy because Jim wanted that experience. Seeing as it was my baby, my primary sweet angel that passed away, today I had the thought that perhaps I should treat it like that, instead of adjusting what I want for what someone else wants...

And if we went with what I have wanted for a 2-3 years now, it would be an older (2-3) larger breed dog. Yes, there's the puppy thing. But who really WANTs the puppy thing, and who isn't in the habit of letting his own sweet dog out nearly as often as he would need to take care of a puppy? I fear that if I went the puppy route for someone else's experience, I would then end up paying in greater labor just because that is how things go sometimes.

So there it is. Some thoughts I've been having. And no, I am still not in a hurry for this new addition. I haven't been this whole time, which is probably why we still remain a single dog family.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Time to write a Yuletide post!

As I sit here sipping my carrot-banana-chocolate-smoothie that I opted for instead of a morning latte boost, I can't help but think back to all the changes that happened in 2010. I'm ready for the return of longer days... I'm ready to get past the pre-winter bullshit. Maybe I'm supposed to be enamored with the holiday spirit. This year, I didn't really feel any of the holidays intensely, beyond Samhain. I have to say Samhain was misplaced, but I felt the energy as pungent as I've ever felt. What do I mean by this?

(Raw cacao powder turns me into a hyper-speed woman). I was thinking of going to get coffee, but opted for a healthier breakfast with raw cacao instead.

I was in Las Vegas with a bunch of new friends, wandering around pretty much in a state of Bliss. That wasn't typical Samhain energy - what WAS, was the transformation all that was drawing together. It was all seamless. A lot of major shifts hit me right before and right after Samhain. But this isn't a Samhain post per se.

So, I'm sitting here as I take my annual day off, reflecting on the entire year. So far, I have never had anything official to do on Solstice, but I take the day off anyway when my office allows (which my office pretty much allows me to do this annually, and if they didn't, I might squawk about it being a religious holiday - because it is).

What things do I need to let go of?
What things do I want to grow in 2011?
Today, while I clean out my own, big closet, and possibly start on Jim's man-cave room as a gift to him while he is at work (starting is the hardest part, and I get the feeling if I start, he will worship me, for one - and also be in better shape to get crackin' on the rest). He has expressed sincere, intense desire to fix up his man cave.

So, while I do these things, after I get off my ass, before I work out today (I always put work outs above house cleaning, but on Yule, I will do the reverse) - I will contemplate what I need to let go of this year, and continue thinking about what I need to give water and grow next year. Now is the time. Longest night of the year, I intend to make this the best Yule yet in terms of impregnating my life with potential and possibility. Yes, I used the word impregnate.

Now, I can't stay here writing too much longer. But I can say I owe my household some gratitude, and some intense Love for making it the best Home that I can. And I am now realizing that I owe my domestic partner and Love some intense gratitude right now as well. He has put in a lot of hard work with me for the past 5 years, he has seen me at my absolute lowest point in my life, and he has given me 100% support the whole way. And even as Samhain kicked our relationship in the nutsack pretty hard (it did, I'm not going to lie) he has continued to unwaveringly support what it is I need to do on MY life path, while simultaneously continuing to give me his strongest Love. This is no small thing to sneeze at. A lot of men would have taken their glorious cocks between their legs and ran screaming from me. Of course, that's hard to do when we have this wonderful mortgage ;) But I know he wouldn't have any way. He is willing to do what it takes to be on this journey with me. I'm not sure I know why I am so blessed to have bumped into him. At a bar. While I was drunk. Hmmm... Admittedly, I wasn't THAT drunk, and I intentionally approached him to dance. Because I'm all about dancing! Even if I look ridiculous.

On this long Winter's night, I intend to keep a high vibration feed as much gratitude for all that I have and all that is to come. I am also in deep gratitude for the sweet man who has yet to fail at making me smile - the one who lives 950 miles away. You know who you are (I don't even know if he follows this blog frankly, I know Jim doesn't). There also aren't words to express the special give-and-receive energy exchange that he and I share too. I'm blessed to be polyamorous, and to have the life that I lead. I'm so grateful for all of it.
I am so grateful to myself for creating this for myself.
And on this Yule, while not everything is perfect, there are so many scary things that happen to us day in and day out - I intend to help raise the vibration of myself and everyone around me.
Warm Blessings on this Cold Winter Solstice.

angelak: (Break my heart)
It's been quite the day. Tension between me and Jim has me losing my mind, sometimes. I feel like in the evenings, when I expect we'll spend some quality time together and relax, we end up arguing lately. And arguing about the most ridiculous stuff. Is it me? It is him? Is it both of us? I wish I could pinpoint what is up. Sometimes, it seems that it's me. It's my patience, it's my level of annoyance at the way things are.

It's the housework, it's the way we communicate. Why are we both on the defense? The more defensive he gets, the less receptive I get. And yet I'm not exactly free of guilt from defensiveness. The big deal was that I had intended for Jim and I to really connect before I fly off to California. Particularly seeing as I'm about to see someone I have a bit of NRE with. Tonight he drives down to Portland after he gets off work. Apparently we will "see each other a bit," before he goes, but ultimately, I don't see that as the same as what we had an opportunity to do last night. We ended up going to bed in a state of irritation. Or was that just me?

The frustration continued as I headed off to work this morning. This morning, I really did feel like my heart was breaking. I have a lot of great stuff spinning around in my atmosphere, but with those shifting energies, comes transition. And that isn't always nice and pretty. I know he and I are morphing right now, and most likely into something better and stronger. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like that while I am in the midst of this.

Regardless, I'm heading out on a 5:35PM flight tomorrow to LA, and I'm going to chillax.
All my problems will be here for me when I return, I don't need to concern myself with solving them 920 miles away. ;)

And of course, because I may or may not have time to write these out, I'm going to do this today, right now - because it's important. The things I have such gratitude for:

+ My Lone Dachshund. (Fritz)
+ All the wonderful memories I share with Jim, and our ability to share every aspect of each other to each other.
+ All of the future memories I intend to be sharing with Jim also. I think it's time we did something special for each other soon. Very soon.
+ Abundance financially, enough to do what I want to do, more where that comes from!!!
+ Technology and the ability to connect with people all over, even if it isn't as good as face time.
+ My car and my skill to drive it so far ;)
+ The many friends who help me stay in vibration with moving forward with life <3
+ Traveling, keeping me fresh and energized
+ World friends, keeping my World bigger than the US.
+ New paths
+ Old friends, perspective, long conversations and warmth
+ Time off from work to live out other parts of life
+ Ambition, ideas, focus, drive, motivation
+ Running
+ Yoga
+ Raw foods, keeping me alive, alert, and enthusiastic and happy
+ Mental sanity. Depression is a short chapter in an otherwise bright book
+ My parents ;)
+ The comfort of my home
+ That it doesn't snow year round in Issaquah
+ That I can provide value to those around me
+ My outgoing nature - my ability to connect with those I know and strangers alike
+ My enjoyment of speaking in front of groups, and what I might one day do with this (It's powerful, I will be using this!!!)
+ My feet are headed towards the pain free arena next.
+ I am fit!!!
+ People love me
+ I love myself ;)
+ And aside from me, there are so many people in my life to love.
+ Green smoothies, raw pasta...
+ Power


angelak: (Angela Fritz Puppy Snuggly)
Good Morning!!!!
I was super tired last night, because I stayed out late on Thursday with Monk after Yoga. Then by the end of the night, I guess I turned into Princess CrankyBitch. Fortunately after bickering with Jim for 25 minutes, I realized... I should shut the fuck up and go to bed.

It dawned on me the cranky-ness=body demanding sleep.

So, Sleep I had. I slept in a couple of hours, happily saw the sun shining brightly in the sky. It motivated me to hit Issaquah for a run, before the "snow" as I put it on my facebook, comes this weekend. I remember when I was predominantly a runner and seldom took nearly as much time off from running as I do now (pre injury 08) when the snow forecasts came in, I was devastated. Well, life has changed a little. I don't run as often (I will in 2011, I'm getting that vibe, but for now my body wants me to break it up).

And that was pre-Dreadmill days. I remember using a Dreadmill (Treadmill) as an "experiment" because I had never used one (I had always run outside) and I was intimidated by the idea! What If I suck at the dreadmill yada yada. ANd then I found it was kind of fun, but only as a newb. As I got injured and they wanted me to use teh Dreadmill ALL the time, it began to suck the life out of my running. It's great for supplemental fun runs, but beyond that I just don't prefer it :D

Today's run was nice. Pretty fall day, very crisp, very cold, but the sun was shining. My lungs were wondering what happened to the 60 degree runs... seeing as the temp was around 38-40. But, you know. That's ok! It just felt good to get out and use my legs.

Can't wait for the party tonight.
Someone awesome is having a birthday! <3
Am looking forward to bugging my parents later this weekend too.
Jim misses them and wants to see them also! Very nice. What else? Speaking of Jimmers, he called his Mom last night because she thought he was not going to be there for Thanksgiving. Well, he IS going to Portland and he WILL be there. So he had to call and set her straight. Of course he had to explain that for the first time in a few years, (okay, really - the first time in 5 years) *I* will not be there.
And then of course the Why came up. "She's going on a trip to California."
"Spending it with a guy friend." Of course - more questions forth coming. My parents know I'm polyamorous. Thanks, Steve Butler... for outing me when I dumped you in 05. Or was it 04? can't remember. I'm obviously getting old ;) Just kidding.

It would appear this is when he will come out of the poly-closet to his Mom anyway. His siblings already know. They're on Facebook, and we list each other as "In An Open Relationship," together. So it's pretty obvious.
But his Mom has avoided Facebook. Jim has let me know he is going to broach the subject while he is there.
I am mostly bummed his entire family will be together this year for the first year, and this is the year I choose to opt out of the holiday. And then again. I'm also glad. I stress out whenever I am around huge groups of family these days. It's not even like MY family has had a successful, peaceful, happy get together for some time.

And of course. I'm dying to reconnect face to face with Sasha. Because it's going to be super fun! So far I intend to do a Bikram class, like I said - force myself to run with someone new and not be insecure (I like running alone, no one to pace, no one to feel like I am too slow with, if my breath is getting horrendous, I don't have to feel goofy). But then again, WHATEVER. Hello - when I went running with Tom H. from the CGW 1, it turned out to be one of the most fun, quick, conversation filled runs I've ever been on. So I need to buck the fuck up, as Young Master Heinz would say. SPEAKING of Heinz. I really miss him, and I have had little chance to see the baby. Sad! I need to SET SOMETHING UP!!!

I should probably eat soon.

angelak: (Attitude)
I had almost written an awesome post about our wonderful trip to Texas... but then I didn't complete it. I should try, anyway.

I'd like to announce that the only posts I will ever re-post via facebook, will be my own.
No one worry for this. This includes comments as well.

I like this option... but I also like Facebook.
It is in turn what has sort of dwindled my REAL posts. Which is sad. I don't like this fact. But I've often wanted to repost certain things TO facebook.

Jim has just informed me our trip to PAX yielded a total of 9 free t shirts. I have a few. I gave him a few. I'll be sporting a new nerd wardrobe for the coming weeks. It's cool - my bigger sized body for the moment could use some looser clothes, if you get my drift. Might as well utilize some free t-shirts!
I'd love to write so much more about PAX. I better....

Let's see. This month has been a whirl wind so far. Our birthday party. PAX. I want to take my mom on a road trip to the ocean next weekend, and possibly look at Lab puppies. We're ready. I'm ready. Rufus is fresh in my heart, but I'm feeling my world is getting to the point where I am very excited about a new addition to our family.

Fritz has settled after the loss of my dear one. We're still sad often about his solid absence in our home. I can feel his spirit has mostly left the deeper corners of my space. It's hard. It still feels a little lighter in here. Emptier. Fritz fills us up so much with love, though. And he is definitely enough to fill up the home with exuberant adoration of us :)

As for PAX: Friday freaked me out. I suddenly realized it was all standing and with my new and very temporary Plantar Fasciitis, it seemed to be a bad idea. And I sort of froze up over the whole ordeal.
Left early, went to my chiropractor (had a really bad Friday prior to the chiro) and ended up getting treated for my feet and adjusted and then went off to meet Kelsi and Mel for dinner (a light salad which I only ate half of).

I then went to Kelsi's and hung out with the 2 of them. It has been a very long time. Mel got engaged a week or so ago. She's going to Mexico. I'm not excited about the funding for this, but I do want to be there.

All in all, Mel and I disconnected for a good several months. But it felt right to reconnect on Friday.
Which is interesting, given Mercury being in retrograde. But then...
I have other astrological ideas about that.

Needless to say, I woke up on Saturday with a Will to make PAX work. Feet and all. My feet felt immediately better after Brett's grastin technique. I went home and rested them. And then I resolved to sit as much as possible, ask for rest when I needed it from the crew rather than feel like a big pain in the ass, and just go with the flow instead of fightingfightingfighting.

This tactic worked 100%. I had a blast. We also got invited to TWO separate VIP parties post-PAX hours. Wow. I can't even tell you how surprised I was for this. The first one which was pretty ritzy with a full buffet and wine/beer table was hosted by game developer Trion Worlds, a new company celebrating the release of 2 very different titles: A new MMO called Rift and an RTS called End of Nations. We actually mingled with the 2 head producers of the RTS for quite some time. Very cool guys. I had to distinctly pretend to be a gamer though. This only happened because I was drinking a glass or two of wine and it felt right to try and give him feedback. I actually HAD played his game. I just gave up because it seemed to complex for my non-gaming mentality... (I'm really bad at playing games, I don't have very much practice. If it were a 4 mile run or pushups or yoga, then let's talk).

The second party was by EVE online. They rented out a bar and hosted free drinks until you either passed out or showed you were too stupid to competently order more. They also hired dancers and made a stipulation that anyone without tickets needed to come as a scantily clad vampire.

So, the dancers were pretty much strippers dancing the dirty dance.
I only had a few drinks, on my second one, I ran into an OTO/ATC guy. Jeff.
I recognized him and I think he recognized me. It felt good to know someone there from my outer-world. It made me consider being more active in my communities, for some reason.

I kept drinking and dancing and then introducing myself to random men. This is my forte. I just walk up to people and tell them who I am, and men always return in kind. I picked up a couple of dudes who thought I was pretty cool. Jim felt a little envious that I was able to get that much attention. He feels like only women can do that, and that it's all a gender thing or something. I seriously think it has to do with approach in some part, though. Act like you're open and don't really care what they think of you, and usually they'll open up too. Tell them about yourself. Then see what happens, and that's my method, even in a dance club. I only had a few drinks at the open bar. It was "Neighbor's" club rented out for the Private, VIP party. And the party was WILD and awesome.

I talked to "Dave," from Canada for a long, long time. Jim said Dave grooved on me. Well. I think I grooved on him equally as much. He's an Engineer. I've never attracted an Engineer before ;)
Usually I just fix their computers. Upgrade their AutoCAD...

Anywho. The night passed insanely fast. We went home and collapsed into bed. I woke up early enough Sunday to ask if we were heading out. We headed out a little less early but made it in around 10 anyway. (Which is when PAX starts every morning).

We were exhausted though! The rest of our friends were totally bull-dozed by the parties. Jim and I were just tired. They were hungover and sick!!! We were glad we didn't stay too long and also glad we didn't drink as much as they did. I was actually cut off after my 2nd drink, which was probably not necessarily when I *needed* to be cut off, but it served in my favor. Dave stole me a beer from the bar and brought it back to me. Not that I wanted beer, but I drank it anyway. Slowly. Because I figured if they cut me off, I was looking a little too party-esque.

;) Monday was relaxing. I hadn't done yoga all weekend, nasty!!! NO working out ! I turned into a lazy nerd?S?!?! with lots of free t shirts and no voice after the party. My voice is still not normal (it's almost 9 on Monday, so the last time I had a normal voice was probably like midnight Saturday).
Hoping another night's rest will have me back in the voice business for Tuesday morning work. Ugh!!!
Work. Tough pill to swallow.

Let's see what else? Hit the yoga studio at noon, read more. I've been reading TONS this weekend. I think I'm on my third long novel. I read in the Duke Nukem 3 line. I got to play DUKE NUKEM forever, got a Duke Nukem belt buckle which Jim has clearly already stolen............... dorkus.

I got it cuz I Facebooked about getting in after the 3 hour line wait (which we all 4 held shifts in, so we could explore the rest of the con while waiting.) That was Saturday morning. Fortunately, I was silent at yoga, spent most of the day alone. Didn't even talk to my dog that much. Okay, maybe some. Maybe more than I should have, I spoke to him. Whispering though.

Anyways, I'm breaking my LJ silence with this post. And also stating that we had a really good time, and we plan to go back next year. We've committed to making a bit more of a plan at which exhibits to hit ahead of time though.

angelak: (Change Stone)
Hanging out at the office. Feels so diurnal ;)
I'm out of the habit of actually updating live journal. I used to be in that habit, all the time, constantly. I think I annoyed people with all of my old posts? lol.

Now days, it's harder!!!!

Last night was super good and super lame.
Good because I did a bunch of stuff that had been piling up and I'd wanted to.
Super bad because I spent a bit of money and it limited my time with Jim considerably.
A week or two ago he had said Tony was talking about getting tickets to the Gallagher show. He's a comedian. I love comedies - and Jim mentioned it specifically regarding me going with them. The way he brought it up made it sound like I was going to get to go.

Sort of jazzed me up and I was like, "Hey look - Jim actually DOES plan cool stuff for us to do," in my head. He struggles at planning anything. I think back to our first date when he said, "errr. I'm not very good at planning stuff to do." Heh. If ever that was a fore-shadow to what years later would sort of irritate me.................

I could say Jim wasn't planning that at all - it was Tony. ;)
Most of our major interesting events were certainly either planned by me, or one of our friends.
Needless to say, he didn't tell me WHAT night, in fact never said another word about it.
Seeing as Jim's schedule has been massively fucked lately... I've been relying on the evenings to make up for the weekend that they didn't give up last weekend.

Wednesday night was nice, we hung out, ate at the brand new Subway on Front street (it opened this week) went to the cupcake shop next door where we had tiny cupcakes instead of their regular giant sized ones.
Walked the dog at the park. While I shouldn't allow Thursday night to over shadow this, I get off work on Thursday, go for a run as soon as I get off the clock, come home to shower.

He is talking on the phone with someone and I realize after he tells me, while trying to make it sound like it was "Tony's" fault ... turns out Tony couldn't have gotten another ticket - and furthermore, the show was THAT night. I was like, "what?!" So, as a Virgo... I really do not like not being with the program ahead of time. AS in - tell me what the hell is happening when, because I sort of arrange my brain around what to expect for the day. Yes, I can roll with it. But is it my preferred mode? No.

I knew if he went to this thing, I wouldn't see him the rest of the night. Or until possibly Friday night. My pet peeve was more about coming home and finding out at the last minute. After he made it sound like Tony should bear the brunt of this... he finally let me know that Tony let him know way in advance what day it was, he just forgot what day it was until today.

Now, that sort of things DOES annoy me. More than re-arranging my brain around an evening by myself. (AT first I was super bummed). Ugh. He spent like 15-20 minutes talking about Tony this and Tony that. Finally - the truth leaked. And he saw that maybe he should take responsibility for the whole thing. I knew intuitively that it wasn't just Tony springing this on him. It was Jim springing it on ME.

Blah. I am a bit of an extremist. I began to think, "this is how he manages every aspect of his life!!!!"
It is probably why he is seldom upset - he really lives in the Now more than a lot of folks. He is not thinking about the future or the past nearly so much.

That's a bonus: He is a buoyant optimist.
It's a drawback: He sucks at planning, thinking ahead, or even pondering backwards.

While I think it is bad to constant be planning - and referencing the past....... doing it to some degree is handy!


I sort of just bailed at that point. I'm not batting 1000 with inter-personal relationships lately.
I'm sort of striking out. What used to come natural - (being social, responding to requests, wanting to put a lot of effort into fixing/keeping things smooth) is getting a bit difficult lately. I just don't want to deal with people - leaving me largely solo in many ways. I guess that's alright... I mean, I'm causing it largely. So - I bailed without saying goodbye. I was just like, it's going to annoy me for him to come try and be sweet as he left to his stupid comedy show to have a good time.

I think it's easier to be independent when you have a social life. I don't.
I don't even know a damn thing about what's going on with OLOTEAS this weekend.
When and Who stole my old life and shat all over it? I'm curious!??! Oh wait. That was me. I stole my life and shat all over it.

So, the evening ended up being okay, after I did some cool things like facial relaxation and eye movement exercises in my car in a random parking lot. It worked better than I thought.
Also been experimenting with arch angels as guides for the moment. I don't even care if they're real or not, at this point imaginary friends are starting to look more and more enticing, opposed to my solo-lonely-life experience.

I went to Sports Authority to buy the UnderArmour shirt I've been wanting (a second one, I bought another one a month back and have really liked it for running and stuff as right now I'm not feeling uber confident about running sans-shirt in only the sports-bra). I'm getting there though!!!! This week I have been trying really hard with the food balancing and succeeding really well!!! Just in time for Lubbock next week, where I hope I can find control over there.

Found a couple of new shorts (I had to buy ALL new shorts). I am trying to buy stuff that I can wear baggy when the time comes here, as I return to my usual smaller state, lol.
Found a shirt that said YOGA inside a heart. A little tighter than my lacking confidence mind wants right now - but I bet it will continue to fit great as I do shrink. Trying to spend my money and still be able to use this stuff as I shift gradually to my pre-April self.

I then was pretty hungry for dinner. So I went home and made myself a tuna melt with an orange smoothie for dinner (the 4.5 mile run caught up to my stomach at that point). Happily ate my meal, and then finally got out to the nail place to get a pedicure. I hate spending cash on pedi's, but I love it at the same time. And they DO last a long time on the toes, opposed to the fingers, which chip and suck within a few days!

Found a place still open, and had a very relaxing pedicure. I chose a color I usually don't choose: bright pink. I am really grooving on it, also. It felt SO good after that run to go to this place, where they took more care than some other places I've been to, to do a calf/foot massage. I was thinking to that asian girl who was my best friend for 30 minutes (my nail lady) "Could I just take you home and you can do this every time I come home from a run? Please????? I have a room! You can stay for free!!!" hahhaa.

It was getting late at that point. Almost 9. After that I went to Fred Meyer to pick up Jim some new socks. I've been wanting to do this for a while. None of his sock match, he rarely wears matching socks and nor does he care. Also his socks are all super old, have holes, and generally suck. Lucky for me they had a buy 2 get 1 free sale, so I bought him 3 packs of Nike Ankle socks. He likes those the best (me too) and they're all the same white, same style, same everything. So, as I find old socks, I am throwing them out 1 by 1. There will be no more gross boy socks in the house.

It always amazes me when I buy mansocks ... how big they seem. All of mine seem so small comparatively.

So, he is now sporting a total of 18 pairs of fresh socks. Left them on his computer chair (he is addicted to social media and video games). He will come home anytime (probably like 30 minutes ago) and discover the expensive new wealth. Nike ankle socks aren't cheap. Fortunately for the moment, I'm still rolling it in?

After the sock expedition, where I also found jewelry 50% off - which enabled me to get a new chain for the one that had broken for my runner pendant - I headed home to my books, where I read until I fell asleep. I was super tired by then.

Only to awake and come back here. To the most boring place on the planet. My office.
Happy Friday! I have a 10:30 chiropractic appointment with my guest chiropractor (my chiropractor is out taking his wife (the owner of my yoga studio) to chemotherapy for her newly diagnosed breast cancer.

So shitty.
My warmest blessings to Annette and her family. :(
They are 2 people who have influenced my life in such amazing ways.
I hope Annette comes through this, and makes it out stronger on the other side. :(

Other random bits: I have been taking shots of Apple Cider Vinegar with glasses of water (it tastes nasty) for this week. I mostly just saw it shown in a video by one of my favorite inspirational women right now: Rainbeau Mars - as a good sports drink.

After using it a bit, I noticed 2 things: appetite suppressant. It's making my psoriasis go away.
For real. I take between 3tsp-2tbsp depending on my mood before each meal. Ish. It's been rather casual, not like a anal retentive thing. It is making that crap on my elbows vanish quicker than anything!!!!
I think there has been something off kilter in my body for a while. I have a very strong suspicion that this is setting it back into balance. This all by accident. Later I googled the stuff, and found out there were so many benefits to it, including aid with weight loss.

I was like, "really? Okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!" hahaha.
So if I can get rid of the psoriasis on my elbows, I will be a happy camper. I had never had it until about 9 months ago or so. Then one day I was stretching on the grass after a run and my elbow scraped against a dry spot in the grass and that seemed to irritated it. From then on, I slowly developed small/minor psoriasis on my elbows. First one side, then the other. Then every time I got uber stressed (which is a lot lately) it would flare up. It would ALMOST go away if I was relaxed for several days.

Sooooo yeah. I am noticing that I tend to retain less water with this stuff, and am seeing a different in my digestion. Like, a positive difference. So, even though it tastes bad, is definitely bad for the teeth - I am way too stoked. The elbow bumps are 80% gone, and it has only been under a week of actual consistency with the ACV. I can imagine if I keep it up, I'll continue to see them vanish.
And if it helps me shrink some too with easier digestion... I'll take that too.

Again. Happy Friday.



Jun. 27th, 2010 01:25 pm
angelak: (Change Stone)
After having some dumb LTR moments (Long Term Relationship) moments this weekend, things are probably going to be looking up. I really need to start my circuit training session, but I thought I'd take a few moments to write down about my yesterday.
We've been having issues in general, no specifics do I need to mention just for lack of time.

Fortunately, I had some great friends (Icky, Jessie, and Inna) all supportive during mid day when I was feeling crappy about my situation. On to the better part of the evening:
Finally chose to go out with Jim to Chris Y's birthday party.

I am slowly becoming friends with his friends, although he obviously knows them better than I do. Often they have events and I go, he has to go to work, and I go back and hang out with them because it has been my most accessible social opportunity. So, they are getting to know me. Oddly, independent of Jim. Often. Which isn't common of couples and their work-social networks.......

Regardless, Chris had a nice party. Chris is extremely philosophical, turning 24 last week, usually our conversations are only philosophical. It was hilarious to see him intoxicated.
The other folks drank to excess if you ask me. After dropping Jim and Galen off (to go to work) I returned later to the party to find most everyone seriously passed out. Except a few folks.

Having been the only sober female, I was given to take care of Phylicia, who had had too much. After near carrying her to the living room to settle her down, the single tiny puke happened.

We then headed off to a "bonfire," as soft spoken and smooth Tony the Tiger (the kid has tiger stripe tattoos even) ... we find his bonfire is really some park. Hung out there until I escorted us back to Chris' house. Funny... we were thinking the bonfire was in someone's backyard. Tony the Tiger also invited us to go to another party in Kent... but I wasn't really feeling it. It was 2AM, way past my bedtime. Chris feeling tipsy, single, and enjoying himself all while apologizing constantly and in spite of himself, enjoying me as arm candy and general company. He is way, way too shy for this normally. As Jim and I don't roll in the "get your hands off my woman" route, I continually assured Chris's drunk self that Jim would "not shoot him," for hanging all over me in his birthday-drunkness.

Adorably calling everyone female a "beautiful woman," I couldn't help but laugh at him most of the evening. Especially since he is so wordy and philosophical. I could write a novel about his general mannerism. But for the sake of this entry, I'll leave that out too.
Needless to say, hanging out with Kristen and Curtis, 2 other folks that I always enjoyed... turned into a couple more hour conversation with Kristen, who I have yet to get to know quite so well. Curtis needed a power nap before they hit the road. Had a nice conversation about philosophy and life with Kristen and Chris until we all headed out. I rolled into my front doorstep at 0400 and fell fast asleep. Until Jim came home a few hours later.

Certainly, I felt energized by the social interaction and can see the difference in my overall deportment today. It's apparent that without social interaction and hanging out too often in my house waiting around is not going to cut it much longer for me. I need to reach out.
On this subject, Jessie and Icky would have hung out with me had I *NOT* gone to Chris Y's party. I have noticed the 2 of them are uplifting beyond belief as well. Had I not gotten so occupied in the backyard lawn darts, bad-mitten, and crazy people - I would have gone to my phone to text them the situation.

This being said... I also crave their company soon (and Inna). People take my mind off of the stuff that is trivial but my mind blows out of porportion in boredom. (Like my body, for instance.)

Neeeeedless to say, I abandoned my phone a lot of the night. Felt bad, but also was riding off of social contentment. I don't feel quite on par with Jim yet, although I think this is just a matter of time. There is a lot of frustration spinning around certain issues right now.

1- Overnight schedule
2- Growth and planning of steps that are going to steward him into his nearing 30s.
3- Target just won't cut it forever. For a man so intelligent, this is a crime and as bitchy as this sounds, I just can't fucking stand it some days.
4- Keeping life interesting
5- World of Warcraft, or otherwise known as "The Death." This term coined by my friend Melanie.

(A word on Melanie). She found me on facebook. We were pretty good pals in middle school. Grew apart of time, but have always got along and related in spite of the fact we're vastly different people. We've been chatting a lot on the web. I really want to hang out with her sometime, except that she is very broke and seems to think this is a point that makes it not as useful to chill.

I will have to work on strategies and free ideas of stuff I can invite her to. I'd even pay for certain things, because in all seriousness... my financial situation is really good.

I know my job really wears on me because it is not passionate or inspiring a lot of the time. I am 99% certain it just has to do with being with my same little pond that I have probably outgrown. However... it is at the very least, enough to keep me in house and home with unheard of perks. This is still a phase. I'm not addressing my own advancement issues.
That one is too big of a fish to talk about at the second.

For all intents and purposes though - it makes it easier to do nice things for people if you do have extra dough. I'd say fat around the edges, but I'm seriously pissed off about my extra bf% right now. :P

Oh wells. It does not define me. And I'll be damned if I let it bring me down another day. It's time to live and not obsess over shit that is just a matter of time for me to take care of.
I have a permanence problem: Every issue that is thrown at me FEELS permanent. But I'm here to admit to myself and everyone else: It's almost never permanent. Whatever problem it is.

Like my knees. I ride off of this: I felt like they would never heal, the day would never come when I'd wander around pain free, play bad-mitten on a seriously hilly and uneven surface, wander around on grass, stand for hours and be comfortable in the knees.
But guess what? I healed. I can do all that. I made it.
I run. I jump. I can kneel now.
It wasn't permanent. Maybe a slow process... but I can look back and right now it's just a nasty, nasty, fucked up memory.

I am working on using this to help me put current issues into perspective.

angelak: (CommentsCrack)
Been a strange time. Not all bad, just very contrasting in short periods of time. Dare I say Manic?
At times I've been super positive and been pushing myself towards the best side of myself that I can be. Some of the time I've fallen off some kind of cliff and gotten down and confused and lost.

Most of the time I've been happy and positive and heading towards my goals.
My biggest goal is ShapeShifting wise, but that hasn't changed for roughly 2 years so I'm not going to go into depth with it.

In fact, most of those 2 years, I was closer than I had any idea, to my goal - than I realized.

Other goals include greater self acceptance instead.

This weekend I have newly created plans with Kelsi on Sunday night. We haven't hung out in months, so that should be nice. Tried calling her a few times in the last week and figured it was ok that I didn't get through. Wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about...

Am hitting the gym, and running when I can... in the midst of a 30 day Yoga trial and loving it. Except last night when I was feeling down on my physical body. Today should be better. I'm intending on taking a double (2 classes) tonight to kick off my weekend.

Get ahead on that 30 day schedule - yeah? :)
If I get to the end of the 30 days, I might go for a 60 day. We'll see. If I don't feel like it, I don't.
As for anything else... grateful every day I spend with Jim in our home together, in our relationship together. We make each other smile more and more lately than I've ever remembered. It's a crazy-wild thing. 4 years and I feel like we've reached another NRE stage? I'm not sure. All I know is that we're in sync right now and it's nice.

To be feeling this way is definitely different than any other relationship I was in around this point. We're working out issues in our partnership and really getting content with what that means. Sometimes, problems take months and months to make progress on. He is so positive and so uplifting, that in spite of my general tendency to be a negative nancy, we still spend our time together for the most part in bliss.

Who knew.

And the more time that goes by, I realize how much he appreciate me for who I am, even if that is inherently flawed, at times lacking self image confidence and self esteem.

Anyway. That's all, for now! I am succeeding in posting in May. I'll keep at it!

angelak: (Default)
Today marks 4 years with Jim.
This month I've been in a "zone." Not sure what kind of zone, but it has not been one that was consistent with anything.
Responding to emails, phone calls, and life in general has been a challenge.

The morning started out dumb. We'll see how the afternoon shapes up - I am guessing it has to be better seeing as the morning was not so awesome.

I figured I'd better at least post about this.
Oh yeah - I got my glasses.

angelak: (I go Wild)
This feels like the longest class known to man, for me right now. It’s a 4 day class, and I am nigh on the mid morning of day 2. The class? Sharepoint for Devs.

I’m not a developer. IE, programmer/coder.
It has never been an area that I was strong at. I don’t have a lot of dev background. I have mostly networking background – hardware, setting up networks, definitely peripherals and computer services sort of stuff.

So this… this class is way, way above my level of… whatever it is.
Basically it’s like sitting through a calculus class when you should really be in Geometry class.

It makes me feel like this project is really in a different arena too. I don’t feel confident in my abilities to design, create architecture of a website for a whole organization, and also build it out, support it, teach it to people. This, still on my spare time next to end user support and other projects at work. It would be one thing if it WAS a regular website. But Sharepoint is a whole headache unto itself. It's asp crap, it's not some simple HTML concept. It's this whole slough of crap that is more complex than that.

It really is frustrating. I know I’m whining. I’ve been managing okay, but the problem is this class is highlighting that I don’t feel equipped skill base wise for this.
Ask me subnetting questions! Ask me network topology~! Ask me like 100 other things. But don’t ask me to write code.

Don’t do it.

And don’t make me design webpages.
The only single saving grace this could be for me, is to actually teach people this. If I could actually get a product launched that wasn’t a pile of crap, shit, splooge, … then I could run with the idea. I could learn it from an end user standpoint and pass that knowledge along 1,000 times over to everyone else. That’s what I’m good at.

I’m not the builder/thinker/create it in your head type.
I’m not a web architect if you will.
Everything in my power says _ SURE, I can create a site. But it’s going to be hodge-podged, unorganized as hell, and really just not as effective as if you had an entire TEAM working on it. Say – a Sharepoint team.

With some people with specific knowledge and education in more than 1 week spans on the subject. My frustration knows no bounds.

I was reading some posts I wrote in 2006. Guess what, I was beginning to mess with SP in 2006. And not ONCE did I ever work with it and not feel very frustrated with it. Just, wow.

So, I’ve been having ulcers over this same thing for 4 years, and what it amounts to is now – finally, we’re seeing movement on it. And it’s where my job is supposedly headed.
What do I do? I’ve tried to get across to my boss my levels of discomfort, but somehow it evades him.

Not being direct enough? Yikes.

Onwards: in other good news, I am drinking a delicious soy caramel macchiato, and did something very impulsive-ish last night. This girl Jim knows from work had invited him out to see a play with her and some other dude. Apparently this chica, after him asking her out to coffee – went around asking every single backroom overnight worker what kind of “guy” Jim was. Like a full on investigation. The women he’s been almost getting involved with are giving me headaches, to be honest. They’re weirdos. I don’t care if that’s rude to say, but he has approached a couple of women and they’ve turned out to be flakes. This girl doesn’t feel like she is any different.

I mean – I understand being in the game for personal safety. But you WORK with the guy. And shouldn’t you figure out sooner or later for yourself in a PUBLIC location, where you can leave at any time – what kind of guy he is? So weird. The last girl insisted she was interested in him, and then insisted that sexual advances, including kissing were out of the question, that she was “abstaining.” Well – yes, I get where this is something folks do from time to time, she would do this jerk-him around sort of business. He went on like 3 different dates and eventually she said she felt guilty and had some conversation with her ex bf and then he never heard from her again. This didn’t bother him. I particularly didn’t like that chick and I never met her. It was the stories he was telling me about her that were throwing off a bad vibe on that one. (Vanessa). This current girl is Amy. Overnight workers are making me ill in the first place. Are ANY of you overnight working women not out of whack?

So after Jim got several comments from dudes he knew and didn’t know that well on the overnight crew about this girl asking about him – she finally calls him last minute like yesterday (I found out right after yoga) to see some play in Seattle. Only she was bringing some other dude too. Jim didn’t know this dude. Also, he wasn’t particularly eager to go. Well, he called me and we talked about it. He sort of wanted to hang out with me, and we’ve been sorta BLAH lately, but I was like – in my head “there’s no way I’m going to get in the way of opportunities and a chance to go do something for him.”

He seems reluctant (I’m not sure why – is it me? Is it his feeling uncomfortable about how the girl approached all his pals and unpals alike at work?) No idea. He ends up deciding to go. I see him for 5 mins, and he goes out the door. Whoop Dee. I’m sort of wonky, but mellowed (thanks to Yoga!)

I sit on the computer for 20-30 minutes and then I think. Ah, hell. I’m going for a walk. But it’s cold. I should definitely put on the layers. Then I drive down to flat area… and decide, “no!” And having seen a “no enrollment” fee ad in the mail for the brand new, opened 3 weeks ago 24 hr fitness 3 minutes away from home, I head back home. I’m going to check out the gym. I know I have a yoga membership. I know CT at home and prefer running outside… but there are times after 2200hrs in the evening that I refuse to go outside but still would like to run. Wanted to buy a treadmill but not wanting to pay the $$ or store it. Wanted to buy a deadlift bar but saw they cost between $150-$200. Too much expenditure…..

Also fantasized about watching TV and just walking at the same time. So. I did it. I went to the gym on whim. I was bored, it was earlyish. Got a tour.

It has a pool, sauna, steam room, hot tub, b-ball court, regular machines for cardio, weight stuff, a bunch of deadlift bars, yada yada yada. TOWEL service (nice) and it generally looked awesome. It was packed, but I shrugged. Whatever. I signed up for the year membership opting to pay in a few payments, but getting a lower deal. Multi-gym pass, I’m paying like $33 a month. I figured that was a good enough deal. Less than cable. I don’t have cable at home. This is my chance to have it. JK.

I then went on to swim 30 minutes of laps, and went for a little 30 minute walk while watching some TV. Went home.

Found out Jim had come home and was calling me. Apparently Amy and some “older” dude were there in Seattle but the show had sold out. They had their tickets, and Jim couldn’t get tickets. He lied to them and said he was going to go grab some food in town (Seattle). That it was okay. Guess he said it was sort of lame. He was excited that at least if he couldn’t go to some play he wasn’t crazy about seeing with some girl who he would rather have had coffee with to talk to – that at least he could go home and spend his evening with me. And then I was gone for a few hours. Off spending dough on something that I don’t NEED… but I’m sure it will be worth it.

Anyways. About this Amy chick. Uhhh, okay. So far, so lousy.
His luck with women is pretty weird anyway. It was before me, and it continues to be weird. I think he attracts freaky chicks. Nevermind me.

Maybe that’s mean. I don’t care!
Sometimes polyamory is a headache. FYI.

Anyways. Now I have a gym.
And this 24 hr fitness is ACTUALLY open, 24 hours a day. This alone makes it way better than my old 24 hr fitness membership. Not all of them are actually open 24 hrs a day.

Happily membered. It’s just nice to have options.
Really wishing I could chat with Mom this week. But it just isn't feasible in this fantastic class...



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


Most Popular Tags


RSS Atom

Style Credit

Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 06:54 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios