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angelak: (Default)
9 days to go. I’m a mixed bag of sheer excitement and sheer “really? It’s happening?” I’ve been laser focused at work. Getting all of my last projects finished up, doing what I need to do. Someone mentioned I might be totally distracted next week. But I was too busy being focused to really consider that after today – I only have 1 more week here at the office until I’m officially on leave for… well, longer than I could ever have dreamed of asking for, let alone actually GETTING, let alone… Wow, it’s all very humbling in a way, as in humbling to the Flow of the Universe, to my passion here, and what I’m setting out to do. To even having this opportunity. This is something I’d read about in someone else’s blog at previous points in my life and say, “Damn, I wish I could do something nuts like that. Take off from my job. Still get paid… go learn a way to diversify my income and feed my passion, all at once…” “that stuff never happens to ME…” well, jee golly – It’s happening and it is as real as real can be. We’ll see!!!
I am happy I have half moon. I don’t have any other postures. But I have half moon…
And now that it is so close, it’s very hard to imagine that before I know it, I’ll be on that plane to LA. There is still a lot happening in my life between now and when I leave. Tomorrow, coffee with Jon G – a last minute plan. Yoga hopefully, because after house sitting for my parents for 4 days, I didn’t get to practice. Sunday I film a 9-11 remembrance ceremony with TS – this to earn one last extra bit of dough. It sure helps, seeing as I’ve had to buy way more things than I realized I would need for this. And the half of it hasn’t even begun. I’m sure I will need to get things while in LA…

So the weekend = Yoga and stuff. Jim will likely come home on Sunday and hopefully we can clean house, have one on one time together. It’s been a little hectic for him and me on that front. I’ve been so darned busy!!!
Monday and Tuesday look NICE AND CLEAR. Relief on that. I can spiff up my house, and begin doing the last bits of errands I need to do before I ship out, for real. Really getting my packing list together, stuffing it into the footlocker I intend on either shipping/mailing, or we’ll see. I wanted something I could store/hide things in from the house keeping staff. I would crack a joke about my dildo… but I really mean other appliances.

Wednesday is bowling/skating with OTO folks, woohoo. Jim will probably come this time.
Thursday morning Barry is flying in and staying until way after I leave for Los Angeles.
Friday evening we are driving to Leavenworth as soon as I get off work to spend the night with Barry and Jim. (Barry=Jim’s Dad). Spending Saturday DAY at Leavenworth, driving home for the evening.
I fully intend on having ALL OF MY STUFF taken care of Tuesday night. You read that right. Will spend quality time with Barry and Jim before SUNDAY morning.

Sunday morning I have a 9:35AM flight to Los Angeles. And it all begins.
I arrive roughly around 11:30 in LA. I cannot believe it is so close.
Today is special also – Friday. Jim is going to his 10 year HS reunion tonight – and I am celebrating a dear friends’ 28th birthday. We are having a special tea ceremony somewhere in Seattle this evening, I look forward to it.

I will say this. Sleeping in my own bed and wandering around 874 was delightful after spending a few days in Snohomish. Nothing wrong with their house… I just remember why I like the space that I have. And my bed. And my pillow… and 2 dogs. Off to go grab some lunch and finish out the day now!

-Angela
angelak: (874)
But I was checking out household account to see if our first mortgage payment had been taken yet.
And it did. So I looked at the image of the check. Because I am weird.

And somehow it seemed monumental and special even though it's painfully large, LOL.
I saved the image for posterity...

-Angela
angelak: (Deep Thought)
We closed today. If you want to be official. As in - we signed all the documents. We're officially home-owners. The place is ours.

We just cannot have the keys until it is recorded with King County. So that means Monday between 3-5PM we'll be getting the keys. I plan on moving both Monday and Tuesday. So that the tiny stuff I can take away on Thurs/Fri, seeing as the last day of our lease is Friday.

All in all, it has actually been a very wonderful, productive, and nerve-relaxing day. Thanks to my parents, Jim, and my making the pre-move a little more organized.

-Angela
angelak: (This is how I feel)
Closing Monday.
All move plans are now withheld and I have no weekend to move on.
Which means my moving crew is highly numbered. Whatever.
I'm moody.

-Angela

Anxiety

Oct. 24th, 2008 07:56 am
angelak: (Default)
I am anxious about closing.
I want it to happen today.
And if it doesn't, my moving plans are kind of whacked.
Feeling altogether moody, because I'm anxious.

I am also anxious of our packing. I suck at packing.
Jim sucks more than I do.
It LOOKS like 3 things in our house right now:

1- Furniture
2- Boxes
3- Excess piddly crap and garbage

And Mel wants me to go to her birthday party after I move. And frankly I just want to curl up into a ball already and hide.
:P
BUt then. We shall see if it even closes today. It doesn't help that none of this makes planning an easy situation. At all.
Did I mention this workday is going to drag???
Good news? I got my run in this morning at 5AM ish. I felt sluggish. My lack of a proper dinner affected my running immensely.
I had coffee with Mel who... eats very very little. I sort of followed her lead but felt the pain from not fueling myself this morning after a mile or so. Yeah. NO wonder she doesn't run. (She claims it makes your thighs bulky... well, mine were bulky before I ran and shrank when I began running so whatever...) :P

I am weird.
It was good to have a friend just be so energetic and positive around me. Especially when I'm anxious about this whole closing on the house thing. I am afraid Jim has been driving me nuts and that is why I ran away from home. I didn't want to be unnecessarily rude to him. Then this morning pre-work, I was still a bit harder on him than he deserves. But I just don't have the patience to listen to him try and talk through solutions. (You know like - "If it doesn't close today, I will move all our stuff on my own because you shouldn't use your knee" type business.) Thusly freaking me out more.

-Angela
angelak: (JimAngelaKissing)
I don't know where to start! I've stepped away from LJ updating when things started getting less lousy. Not intentionally.

First things first: Doctor. My new doctor was a lot better than my old doc. We did an ultrasound on both knees and determined that the mostly healed tendon is actually in fact very healthy and doing a good job of healing. There is one tiny area under the patella that seems aggravated, and my doctor said this was likely on account of (again) my day to day under the desk duties. NO, not those duties. Dirty LJ fucks.

The ones that require me to move and swap equipment by kneeling and crawling on my hands and knees. He said that if I stopped doing these duties for 2-3 months, that I would most likely heal entirely with not much ado. He said I could keep running every other day – provided it is flat surface. This is a relief. Pretty much all of it.

The ultrasound allowed him to look at the layers and see how the tissues were healing (of course he knew what that looked like, I wouldn't have known exactly that it looked good, but he said it in fact did.)
He sent me away with a note that my mom graciously asked him if he would write for my boss.
They also determined that my knees are not pregnant.

;)

So, I had to step up my game and get some real balls to show my boss that I could not do these duties anymore. Which accounts for a major part of my job, but I saw my old doctor's note from May and it said pretty much the same thing with less finality. And the doctor did NOT translate and say, “Listen, if you keep crawling or kneeling in any fashion regularly, you'll always have this issue. If you stop, it will go away.”

I got up the go-nadz to talk to Chris. He was rather understanding and assured me to keep reminding him if he did forget and ask me to do something that I really shouldn't. So until February 2009, I'm going to avoid crawling or kneeling because it stretches the tendon just so under the kneecap.

And I don't have to refrain from running.

This was all terribly good news. It's not a life long situation. I can take 2-3 months as an answer. I can deal with that. The chat with my boss was difficult to muster, but I managed because I knew that it affected my future. I think I handled it rather well. I indicated that the good news is that we got all the machine upgrades done. The bad news was that it probably was responsible for prolonging my condition.

I tried to make it clear how much I wanted to do what he asked of me and how I just cannot keep compromising my personal health for it – for just a few months. I think it came off great.

In other news, this week draws to a close. We should be getting the appointment soon to close on our house. I am bitten by the bug of wanting to plan my new environment. With money that I will get from selling my old appliances, I hope to buy some cool shit for the new home. Area rugs (to protect the carpet beneath them in the high traffic areas and to be pretty and cozy) and curtains/sheers.

My one mistake with SideA was that I chose all dark curtains and I knew it was a risk of making the place dark. It did. This time around I want 874 (the house number, and how I refer to it) to be brighter. I can also scarcely contain my excitement about the fact I will have my OWN temple space in my home. This is a first. It's not going to be a corner encroached upon by my own crap, or the crap of others'.

In SideA, I had wanted the spare room to encompass this role, but it got taken over by a combination of Jim and my belongings and eventually I just packed up my altar entirely because it was at risk. I feel like a lot of my spiritual focus vanished when I did this. I think for as long as I can remember thinking of getting my own place, I had wanted to find a way to have a room for a temple space. Also a space I could go to when I felt like being centered. A place where everything else doesn't get in the way.

So there it is. I have no idea how to outfit the room except I got a few things furniture wise off CL: A chest that doubles as a bench with little pillows, a bookcase with a cupboard on the bottom of it, and a shelf that matches the chest and bookcase. Because I'd rather have my desk in the temple space, than the exercise bike – I'm going to put my desk in there. The exercise bike can somehow go in the Den until I can find a way to sell it and eventually find a decent treadmill to be honest.

(A fold up treadmill). For now the exercise bike in the Den can continue to serve as my personal laundry drying rack and extra chair... I am scared to use it because I don't want to aggravate the tendons. (It's a recumbent exercise bike). It was once used a lot when I would use my computer and ride it. Now I'm sort of done with it. :P

If I could sell it, I could save the money and put it into a treadmill...
Eh. Last time I tried to sell it, no one ever actually showed to buy it. Drats, right?

Anyways. The collective excitement between Jim and I is getting stronger and when we get that apt to sign the docs I will probably die. I have a truck reserved and some people that are willing to be gracious enough to help. Gods bless them, because my family is (going to help) and be keeping me from over-doing it. ;)

It has been over 5 years since I had a bath.
Because I had no bath tub in my house. Yes. Stinky right? Well, I've had 2 different shower stalls. And I'm tired of not having the option! And this place has 2 bath rooms with TWO BATH TUBS! HAH! TAKE THAT!

Ahhh anyways.
I can write more later I suppose.
Also. I am shrinking in size once again – even though my weight is roughly the same. I'm stoked. I've worked hard to get to this place. Again.
:P

-Angela

Thoughts

Oct. 19th, 2008 11:36 pm
angelak: (Default)
Much ado about life. )

-Angela
angelak: (Roses)
I went to the knee doctor at UW Medical center yesterday.
It went well. The clinic was far better than a different one I went to in the beginning of my journey with this injury.
I am going back on Tuesday to get an ultrasound done. On a new machine that they are getting at the end of this week (like Today/Monday). He said he wanted me to be one of the first 12 people or so for them to use it on.

I am looking forward to working on a "plan" with this doctor because he actually took an amazing amount of time to just listen to my story. So very much that happened in a small visit, when previously it was so very little in a small visit.
He said it seems like a chronic patella tendinitis, that is aggravated most by my job.
(Suggesting that possibly my job does tend to have me doing all of the worst things a patella tendon could have done to it while trying to heal.)

And yet he understands that I have to have my job, so... we'll see what happens next week when I go back in and we see PICTURES of my knees. I can SEE it and compare it with him to what a normal knee looks like. To get a vision of what exactly is going on.
I feel better even though it does signal the notion of chronic injury...

My back WAS a chronic injury before. And now it is great. So maybe I can hang on to the dream and hope that I can one day wander around with ease and not even bat an eye about my knee. I took my mom with me so that I would not miss anything and for general moral support. That worked out well.
Then we came back to my house and had a 3 person packing party and some tea.
My living room is more packed. Now I can push onwards with packing tonight between Mel coming over and end of work day. Looks like if I want to go for a run I must do it on lunch...

Not only did he NOT tell me to stop running - he commended me for running every other day to ensure that rest time on the tendons. That means possibly this time around with healing it might be easier on my psyche. Because I am not happy if I am not running.

In good news, it felt tons better yesterday but he was able to find areas that DID hurt when he pushed on them. That was comforting. Stupid tendon. I AM excited about the fact that most likely, in a week we may be signing papers for an hour and possibly getting the keys to our new home very soon. It's all feeling more real.

-Angela
angelak: (Angela Side Glance)
It would seem that if all goes as scheduled (heh, I hope it does) that my major moving day will be the 25th of October.

If anyone would like to help move my stuff, I will be commencing moving day at 9AM on the 25th at my current residence.If the dates all go according to plan, that is. I am feeling that there is no reason it should not.

I am also unfortunately aware that A- It's my best friend's birthday, and B - OLOTEAS is this day...

Please comment and let me know if you want to do Jim and myself a HUGE favor. There will be food and beverages provided for any generous folk who want to help us out.

-Angela
angelak: (ShadowFax)
Late yesterday afternoon the news arrived that we have obtained, at long last - a full loan approval. Our loan is out of underwriting. That means it is beyond the step that we've been sitting at for a very LONG time. It is 95% a done deal - so all we do now is wait for escrow and closing.

Closing appeared to be - according to our loan application, on October 24th.
That would mean moving weekend would be October 25-27th for me.

And I sincerely hope it is so. We could be out of Side A with no problem if it closes on the 24th easily before the 31st, giving us ample time to clean and primp the old duplex before we go. I am unbelievably relieved, and feel like I can finally dream about our home to be without much fear of the rug being pulled out from underneath me.

We're approved.

-Angela

Final Ap

Oct. 10th, 2008 05:22 pm
angelak: (Smirking)
The final last data is in.
We've FedExed our loan ap, we submitted the most recent financial information.
This is it. Another week or so and I can start figuring out my future that starts in 3 weeks.

The office is empty.
I think I will leave and try and catch some of this crisp, beautiful October afternoon weather.
I am going to run. I don't care!!!!!

-Angela

Life stuff

Oct. 10th, 2008 08:23 am
angelak: (Fog Camaro)
I love October. )
You know. I never created an injury tag, but I think I will now :P

-Angela
angelak: (Sad)
I suppose I should not be surprised.
They want our latest most updated info. On Friday. So - even though we gave them our latest, they want the upcoming latest paystubs and what have you.

And then of course, that happens on a Friday.
Joy, another weekend to wait. And after that, they say it generally takes them 5 days to get back to us about it.
So basically that takes us to another Friday. Another weekend.
I'm sick and tired.
Really. Perhaps this is that last final push and maybe we'll be rid of these sort of hassles soon.
I just feel like garbage.

-Angela
angelak: (JimAngelaKissing)
For the moment, I'm at peace. I don't know whether it was extra time with Jim, extra time away from the office, or the fact that I am truly settling into waiting on life situations.
Or if breaking my 4 day work out fast helped my mentality too. (Circuit Training, to give my knees another day to bounce back.)

If my house did not feel so chaotic right now I'd try doing more meditating and positive affirmations. But something about our stuff all disorganized and boxes everywhere (only partially packed, we are) makes it hard to focus. Also feel like Side A, this place - has been extremely hard to be spiritual in. There was no place for me to go where I felt like it was "my" space. The entire domain is my space. I have a mind to search out a space to call my own outside to go to during the times I want to be ritualistic or affirmative in thinking... elsewhere. A nearby park.

Regardless, today tea. Relaxation. I worked Monday so today I have off.
It feels like I am playing hookie, now that I took yesterday off sick. And if I did not live in the same parking lot as work, it would feel less awkward. Whelps, my wishes be true soon enough. Less than 31 days and I WILL be elsewhere.

This weekend is Salmon Days. 4th and 5th. Jim loves this town. We call it Stars Hallow. After Gilmore Girls. I should watch a couple episodes later today. I am also tempted to visit the mother. But I refuse to leave town until I work out for the day. This 4 day streak is ended. I declare it so. And I also declare myself accountable for physical therapy exercises today.

I must start holding out my best. Also, have another 300 pages of Kushiel's Justice to read. ;)
I have to finish it because I have another book, Sequel to "The Luxe" - that is awaiting me from the library. I must admit reading drowns out a lot of my personal heartaches.

It also seems to afford me more patience with Jim.
I'm happy for that! The poor lad has sustained a headcold this week.
He is off sleeping right now. Thank goodness his schedule is somewhat aligned proper, because he works tonight and he accidentally fell asleep with me last night.

We have re-bounded from my intense moodiness. I feel like he is figuring out how to best handle me even better. And yes, I must be handled. I'd explain it to a T, but sometimes one cannot explain themselves always. I do know there are combinations of reactions that help more than others.

I think I will do a 10 warmup, 14/2/14 run today. At a slow pace for 14 minutes, walk of course 2, and a moderately faster pace at the end 14. And then of course the 10 cooldown. Sigh.
I noted yesterday that walking did not seem to aggravate me. Running doesn't seem to either. It would seem that mere standing or stairs are the more difficult. And mostly just standing.

I have taken to trying to stand again - like I said, with my knees less locked. I naturally over-extend my joints. I think now is the time to put conscious effort into not doing this. I believe it could help me with this current knee aggravation. I am praying to the gods this is so.

And if not, I just keep doing what I can.

-Angela
angelak: (Lots of candles)
My biggest piece of advice from Jim in the past few days was to live in the moment, from moment to moment. That is how he made it through a lot of his hardships without losing his shine, his positive nature. Focus on the things that aren't amiss, and the things that are will not be so hard to endure.

I am guessing at the fact that all this life stuff is drowning me a little, but I've got to pull out of it. I've got to.

I can't let this sadness defeat me right now. I have another month of hard work before I can relax... but I should learn to relax in the midst of this. So my knees hurt. That's ok. It means I have to watch my food closer when I can't find it in me to work out. I need to start living off of more structured plans, because I know I am more apt to succeed this way and be less off kilter.

I've got to stop focusing on the things that make me angry, that progress my downward spirals. I've got to change the way I think, and keep working at it. And working at it and working at it. I've got all sorts of support from Jim right now - and without that I think I'd be so much worse off.

Right now he has taken over as liaison of our loan matters. I think that is the best thing that could have happened. I was at it for a couple of months (Since Aug 1st) with the house business, and after 2 months of it, I am spent on the notion.

I'd complain about the economy, but I honestly think the economy has less to do with us than our personal situations. It frustrates me when my co workers talk about the bigger issues looming out there. (Read, bail out). I'd rather just forget I'm in the midst of loan processing. They don't help.

I've got to live moment to moment and thinking about those larger issues just makes me feel that drowning feeling even more.

And not to dwell on that. The best part of this is that our lenders so far with FHA have been more positive I think. So it's just a matter of us waiting and praying that all falls into place anyway. I never have gotten the feeling that "we've lost the place," yet. And my gut has been pretty good in the last 5 years of my life. It's the waiting that I've got to learn to deal with. And if it doesn't work out - so be it. It will not have been because I made shitty money or had poor credit. It will have been something bigger than me.

Because I'm going to be honest. I make good money. With Jim's smaller income, we make decent combined monies. I have excellent credit. He has almost excellent credit (damn him for not spending his money on random shit and credit cards, he kept it in cash for gods'sake).

God forbid somebody not waste their cash on useless crap (like I did).
Well, my furniture and random other worldly goods are things I don't regret having, and they did help build my credit. I have an excellent score.

So on the positives:

My knee is slowly behaving today. Although I have taken 3 days or so off of working out, I think my body might have needed it.
I cannot be negative on it. I must listen to my body. I must also treat myself like my very best friend. And pretty much that's easy to do. After all - my best friends are all off doing their own thing right now.

My other very best friend is Jim. I need to stop acting out against him and use him as my team member. I have possibly been taking my life frustrations out on him. It's not his fault. None of it is. There is nothing he has done that has been anything but good.

He is working hard overnight full time. He is bringing home money, paying his half, and doing his best to cope with a girlfriend who is half falling apart emotionally. He is scarifacing sleep in order to resolve greater good for our team.

What I really need is to reclaim the tenderness and the adorable infatuation that I know exists between us. Instead of putting up barbed wired walls and barricading myself into a square pen that only hurts me.

I'm trying my best.
I will continue to eat the healthy foods and make my goal by the time we move. I'd like to lose 1 lb per week. That gives me roughly 3-5 lbs.

If I gain, like I did last week - so what. I need to keep trying to be strong and do what I can when I can. And not push those runs. I might scale back my time from 19/3/19 (with 10 min warm up and 10 cool down) back to 17/2/17 (with 10 min warm up cool down) once the knee flair up goes away.

I might also add I am going to run my 5K this weekend and do my very best. And not care. I'm a runner and that isn't going to go away. Not because I have to slow down, not because I'm injured, not because my life feels like it is falling down around me.

I never would have found this identity so strong without this heart breaking half a year. Although I wish I were 138 and running those 11:26 minute 1.5 milers, (my early 08 stats) it doesn't mean that the 146, god'knows'how fast girl cannot get back there. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year. I don't care.

It still beats the 170 me of Early 07. And I have proved to myself I can train back up relatively easily, and my head is motivated. I just need to ensure my body is ready for it. Slow, slow, slow progressions. No hills.

One other thing is that my size 7s are fitting rather unsnugly. So the size 5s are probably just snugish. Not so bad, between 5 and 7. I can accept this as an interim size. It's rather good.

In the positives:
My arms are badass. Quite a lot more badass than they were 8 months ago.

So today, I am going to break my 3-4 day work out break, ignore the fact that last week was a 1 lb gain, and put as much energy as I can into building a weekly schedule/plan for my workouts/also stretching strength training on my legs. I've got to come out of this ahead.

And I think I might go in to the doctor and have a talk (a different one) about where I am in the healing process, and request an MRI because damnit, my insurance covers it and I don't want to fuck around.

I might also talk to them about some of the extreme depressive lows I've experienced in the last 6 months, and my current life situation. Although I am not proud of where I've been... I must admit it has been a worse mental state than I've ever seen in my life.

I've got to remember that this taking control of me is a long, slow, patient process.

-Angela

Loan #4

Sep. 29th, 2008 02:53 pm
angelak: (Sad)
Oh. Did I mention it gets better today?
Now we're going to start again. On loan ap #4.
Why? Because our builder *insists* on Bank of America loans, and in order to get an extension on our current offer, they will approve an extension via B of A, but not necessarily through my other broker guy. The issue is that they're income qualification homes. Some of these lenders are struggling with the concept, as if it's something totally new and astounding. B of A has agreed to be preferred lender in this case. So it's good and bad.

Well so now we've got to switch broker guys AGAIN to the B of A dude, and start out loan all over again.
But then maybe, possibly - we'll close by October 31st. Which is also the day our lease expires. Dandy fucking shit.

I'm through with being the point of contact and Jim has taken over. My sanity stops there.

Needless to say. I really wanted this to drag out another month. Sure!

-Angela
angelak: (Blossom To Die)
Deeper than just surface. )

-Angela

Loan #3

Sep. 26th, 2008 11:51 am
angelak: (I'll take you to burn)
Here goes on Loan #3. It makes me a little crazy, but this almost seems to be working differently already.
I make no assumptions on the outcome.
Monday we send updated information to our new broker.
His name is Toby. Jim's grandpa went by Toby; so somehow Jim likes this guy better already.
That and he seems more our style of communicator.
Sometime during the week it should be a go or a no. One would think.

-Angela
angelak: (Fuck Off)
It occurs to me that this is the 4th weekend I get to go through, waiting for answers in the coming work week. It makes so hard to even want to hit that weekend. And the sad thing is, I know not much will go on Friday...

I mean, what can happen in a single day - after all?
So, 'ere goes another weekend, weekend #4, where I've been just biding on time.
Whatever the slow painful answer, I will be moving in short order. No matter what.
That's what makes it so hard for me.

I'm not the kind of lady who likes to find out stuff at the "last minute," per se.
Fuckity fuck fuck.

Good news: I managed to Circuit Train regardless of my lousy day and 7AM-8PM work day
Woo.

-Angela
angelak: (Can't Run from Problems)
Hah.
As if I needed this.
Square one, we start - all over again. Our broker has handed us off.
We'll see. We've got major time crunches to deal with now. But it's not sunk. Yet.
The good news? My irritated knees feel a little better right now.
The bad news? I can't focus on work for shit with all this roller coaster-ing.
Our offer still stands - and we can get an extension most likely.
Well. If you're going through hell, I suppose it makes no sense to stop.
KEEP GOING. Otherwise - we are ready for anything. Deal falling through, or maybe not. It is so hard to say at this point.

-Angela

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