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angelak: (Gleaming Mtn)
My posting momentum definitely shifted in April! As did my momentum with so many other things.
I played with some raw food for about 1 month. Did another 100% raw stretch. It gave good results, I even lost some weight for a minute. But then it came back on as a springboarded out of the raw foods into...

An unprepared post-detox strategy.
Sort of feeling off-kilter, for sure with this. So I am rebalancing with some other stuff. I feel pretty imbalanced in general. I have no idea where to go next with my life, even though I feel like for a few years I've been examining this very thing. Financially I'm doing just fine. That's par for the course. I'm typically fine in this area.

Looking to rebalance what my work outs are, but I find it hard once I add a #3 item to my work out list, that I get too overwhelmed. The problem is that I love and fond Yoga, but I always loved Running, and Circuit Training is important to me too. I struggle having all 3 being players of my life. I find that unlike my stretch between 2007-2008 pre-yoga, the focus drops off on my fitness goals when I have too many different things going on. For one, yoga can be done constantly and there is no limit to that. It also takes up way more time than any other fitness regimen of mine - which means it really does draw from teh rest of my "life."

I like the benefits I get from all 3. I like the benefits of Yoga, but at 3 hrs per night - it DOES take my entire night after work. I'm back to running and pretty much doing 90% of everything physically I could desire.

Standing in one place is no longer a horrid bear on my knees. I can wander around on uneven grounds, do things that used to be WILD. Like stuff that was out of my normal "safe" equation. A lot of folks didn't understand that just going out and trying something new was really hard on me. This is because.... wait for it.......... I was scared of reinjuring myself because I had done it soooo many times repeatedly in the course of 2 years.

Whelps, it has been 2 years since the initial injury.

I actually didn't even write a post about it this year :P It must be because I wasn't focused on it as much. My life is mostly normalizing. Except for the whole, "no direction career wise," and also challenges of figuring out what I want my work out plan to be. It's hard. I'm my own trainer and I'm good at it. But for the first time in years, I'm confused.

I am doing a 10k training plan at the moment that appears to be below my threshold (intentionally). This is fine. But in the midst of that, the Yoga has fallen off the wagon some. Well, shoot!! Right?
Who knows. All I know is that I do work out a minimum of 5 times a week.
Circuit training is one of my favorite activities ... the benefits of strength training are boundless like Yoga. How do I fit all 3 in? I try to get up earlier, but most times I just want my damn sleep. I personally think getting myself to work out once a day is a big enough thing that doing it twice in a day sort of drains me for my next week of work outs. Therefore, I'm at a stalemate.

Oh yeah. And we're coming up on 1 month without my sweet little Rufus around. We've adjusted. It's just not as cool as it was. He was awesome. He was my little emotional anchor. Now I've got flighty, very spoiled, very wonderful, and fantastic Fritz solely. He has adapted well to all of the extra attention in the wake of Ru's crossing over.

I have also been going to a new chiropractor. He is not only cracking my back (which has minor alignment issues thanks to a CRT monitor lifting situation when I was 19) - but also stripping my tendons of their scar tissue so that I can kneel easier on my knees directly without experience huge levels of annoyingness later. Speaking of which, I need to go find some shorts and head out to the appointment.

-Angela
angelak: (Goddess)
Here begins one of a few Rufus related posts...

Other than that, I am still contemplating writing a pretty decent post on Rufus soon. I've stopped writing in LJ because well. I'm sort of off kilter, to be sure. Nothing extreme. Just living and all that, but there are some things. Yoga has been a huge challenge lately, as I feel my balance is waaaay off. I wrote in my facebook a little bit of what has been flowing through my mind on the subject:

"Yoga last night felt great (although I think it killed me DURING class). Feeling less emotional during class about stuff in life - but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel like someone cut out one of my organs and I'm trying to figure out how to re-balance all over again. I miss you, Ru Ru! I'm rebalancing and calibrating, slowly."

While some more intense sadness cut through my days sporadically in the last week - everything is simmering down lately with that. Things still make me sad, but I feel like I really processed a lot of my grief during and after yoga sessions lately. Particularly my very first class back. The Yoga makes it impossible to stuff anything away, put it in a corner and shove it under a rug. It really does. I was also doing a 7 day raw food detox at the beginning of all this. Which means I wasn't stuffing my emotions down with any kind of food. It's really hard to stuff emotions down with fresh fruits and veggies only, zero processed foods.

The raw food detox went well. Although the Rufus stuff happened on the first day of my trial, I decided to stick with it precisely so that I could feel things fully. What better way to honor the dog than by treating myself 100% healthily like this?
14 years is a long time to stick it out with anyone.
The first few days in the house, it seemed insanely empty. The energy that dog threw over my household was pretty grounded and warm. I didn't realize how far that extended, naturally - until it was fading. His living energy shifted and suddenly the whole house seemed a little more empty for it.

Admittedly, it was also a huge relief for this moment to have finally come. Ever since he got sick 2 months ago, he wasn't the same. His weight shifted downwards even more, his appetite never returned with it's life-long gusto. The dog was in love with food more than anything else. His sole purpose in life beyond being my comrade, was to get his next bite in. When the Ru that recovered from his sickness was just not that "interested," in food, I knew the time was coming. I also knew his body reflected it all. I remember in the last couple of weeks looking at him feeling pretty down about how frail and old he looked. He was blind, mostly deaf, and no longer the strong ox that he'd been most of his life.
And in the last week or two of his life - he seemed to be impossibly bony. The day before he died I was ready to take him in to the vet and talk more about it. But sometimes old age just creeps up on us.

6 months ago, the dog had been healthy and strong, even though his eye sight was fading and his hearing.
He still had a pretty strong sense of life and contentment and all that. He was happy to be around and would occasionally give us his regular Rufus 'tudes a couple of months ago. But even then I knew he was on borrowed time. His birthday came on the 19th of March, but I remember feeling a sense of sadness because it wasn't the usual upbeat festivity we usually made it. I remembered how different the year prior had been, and was suddenly glad I had lavished him with dog bones and hugs and playing on his 13th birthday. Because he seemed unable to be fully present the same way this birthday, and I thought to myself, "this is the last one we'll have..."

I was right. Just short of a week later, my own sense of foreshadowing caught up with me.
:)

AHhh yes. I am trying to upload some pictures to the "scrapbook" function here...
Anyway, my next posts will probably be a little more positive memory driven and less "this is what has been happening up until now." The recent era was the hardest of his whole life with me, to endure.
Also processing that all of those things that happened last Thursday - exactly a week ago today, happened. Ahhh, yes. And truly - cheesy or no, I find Rufus had to have been the angel sent to guide me through the transition of childhood to adulthood. For that he definitely was there, every step of the way.

Some pictures and the scrapbook link. I will be adding as the week goes. )

And a short questions for those into this sort of thing: Any idea why I notice most my emotions/energy getting caught/stuck in my throat chakra with this whole ordeal? Any advice on how to aid in working through to clear out the chakra a bit? I just notice it most there a lot. I am not entirely sure why. I have my own ideas, but sometimes outside ideas never hurt!

-Angela
angelak: (Lots of candles)
Thank you so deeply and sincerely for the heartwarming support and love.
I look forward to writing more when I get the chance!
And am showering Fritzel with attention and love, as he seems to be a little lost for the time being. :)
We're adjusting.
Would also like to write some memories in an entry later.
It's very beautiful outside and I am heading out of work early to enjoy some time with Mom and Grandma.
Jim and I also have plans to take a trip down to Portland Saturday at some point. I look forward to this too. Last night I had an amazing time with some friends I made down in Las Vegas when I went to a Conscious Growth Workshop.

The 2 were a traveling pair; one from Ottawa, Canada, and the other from Philadelphia. They have been making a journey of the northern US and finally made it over here to Seattle! Inna came along and it ended up being just what I needed; a shot of fun, socialization, and 3 high vibrating friends oozing with love and good conversation.

Wow, what a week!!! Who knew?

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaRufus CannonBeach)
Rufus: March 19th, 1996 - March 24th, 2010.

I feel like he held on until his 14th birthday just for me.
The past week, things have been sort of rough with his condition. I knew he was deteriorating. He has been very stubborn the past 2 months and really stuck it out.

He was comfortable and out of pain.
Last night, after watching him avoid food and water for too long - and seeing what must have been aftermaths of seizures, I took him to a 24 hour emergency vet in town after Mom drove from Snohomish to accompany me and Jim. Jim called out of work and we went in to the clinic.
I spent an hour waiting for Mom before we headed to the clinic. This was my hour of goodbye. During this period it became obvious to me he was no longer comfortable or out of pain.

I knew instinctively somehow when I came home from work he wasn't going to improve from the condition he was in. By the time we went to the vet, I was ready and I knew he was ready. It was surprisingly easy to sign the euthanasia papers. There was no doubt in my mind that it was the right time.

It was late at night so the clinic was empty. There were several synchronicities that I found comforting, ushering me into the journey now of what will be the first time in 14 years that I will be without that grounding, quiet presence of Rufus (physically) in my life.

I held my hand close to him as we put him under and he gave one last nudge into my cupped hand with his head as he was injected and almost immediately relaxed. It was a very fight-free euthanasia. He was ready. Now comes the brave part; holding him in my heart and carrying on for the rest of the week - and for all intents and purposes, life.

<3

Light and Love surround his soul.

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaRufus CannonBeach)
Happy 14th Birthday Rufus!!!!
You made it, buddy.
One stubborn dog.
He is a glorious, sweet soul. An extension of my heart - Rufus is also an angel.

Having been his steward since he was 6 weeks old, today marks a special day for us.
He is blind, mostly deaf, not as mobile. However - he still is pretty comfortable and doesn't appear to have much pain.

He looks like an old man.
He acts like one, but we still share some good times.
Here's to another birthday we share with him.
My cute little treasured Elderdog.
When he does croak, I will feel anything but cheated about the time I have been afforded with this one.
Who can even imagine a few of those parties without that dog?!

-Angela
angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
Today was pretty awesome. Maybe not quite Inna-awesome (reading her posts lately, wowzers), but awesome for what makes an Angela tick. So, I slept in. I like being productive and getting up early - but it's been a very "get rest," sort of tempo for the month of February. For whatever reason!!!

Also, Jim came to bed. I like to sleep next to him - so some weekends, I'll nurse those hours along on purpose.

Got up - went for a short run in the rain (3 miles or something). Came home, stretched briefly, headed out for the 1400 Bikram Yoga class. Happily had a strong class. Came home. Took a shower. Jim woke up while I was downstairs making mushrooms coated in wheatgerm with olive oil. We visited and chatted and had a nice hour or so with each other. I headed out to OLOTEAS. Went to Amy's workshop. Saw a few friends (way too brief) and headed out to visit with Jim since everyone but C had left. Not that C wasn't formidable company - but I was feelin' antsy.

Got to visit with Jimmers a bit longer and then ... we get to the fun part.
Earlier in the day, Rufus had a (SUPER) rare accident. ON the bed. Fortunately, I have my many reasons - but I have a waterproof mattress liner that I put underneath my sheets. For those of you who hate TMI - this is sad for you: As any man who has been with me for any amount of time will attest - there's a pretty good reason for this. There is no mistaking my sexual experience with the Sahara desert in the slightest. My mattress would smell like a skeezy sex-mattress without one, and for all intents and purposes, you just never know when a 14 year old dog is going to accidentally not bark for hours and then let loose his bladder on your bed. This doesn't happen with him. Apparently Jim thought I had let the dog out earlier in the day before he had went to bed, and I hadn't. Minor communication error between us. Usually he barks obnoxiously (to our benefit) every 2 minutes until we carry him down 2 flights of stairs and outside to his happy urinating spot, where he then makes his long 4 foot trek to the back stoop (if he doesn't accidentally wander to the neighbors' stoops and try and jump the single stair up). We let him jump his single stair and into the house. Old Ru doesn't do a lot of foot commuting these days :P And he is super blind, so... jeah. This time, he didn't bark. I guess it came upon him quick today.

Therefore, I washed all the bedding. Except... when the liner was dry, I was left to mess with it all by myself. Jim had already gone to work for the night. PISSY! I fought and fought and fought. My liner is ON, but it is not on the way I want it to be. This will work until Jim can help me.

Oh yeah. I saw my creepy uncle at OLOTEAS. Creepy.
I was at the sink and was going to put something in the sink or rinse off my plate, when I walked up and didn't recognize him. Until he walked past me. Creeped me out. Not a fan of this dude. Needless to say he didn't try and talk to me. Relieved! A couple weeks ago, my mom informed me that Uncle (Stephen) told Grandma and Grandpa that I went by "Abigail," to my friends at OLOTEAS. Um, sorry pal. Clean out the cotton balls from your ears, it's "Angela."
heh. Odd. I know I sound like a bitch - but it's seriously because I really dislike this guy.

I told Jim today that his nephews and me have a very different picture when they hear the word "uncle." His nephews ADORE him. He is their role model, their hero. My uncles were all retarded sleezebags who had pretty low intelligence. But actually - Uncle Stephen isn't dumb. He is pretty smart. He is just not the greatest human I know. He has brains in there. I just can't figure out why his social intelligence is so ehh. Weird. He is arrogant, and repelling in general. And apparently now he is butt ugly. When did he get so ugly? Wow. Sorry. My unabashed opinions don't cater to kindness. Do they? Oops. :)

How is it I have no uncles or aunts that I can really truly say are cool? My parents are rockstars. I adore them. But their siblings? Fucking whackjobs. :)
I think my one chance for an awesome aunt died at the age of 21 of leukemia. Bummer. Too bad she isn't around in an incarnate sort of way. It's okay. I think I know her in the other-worldly sense. Shout out to my dead Aunt Lori. Wish you had been around during my lifetime... but you were long gone. Word on the street is that you were pretty damned cool.

-Angela
angelak: (Rufus Swimming)
To check out just how spoiled my dog is...
Go here to see his birthday fun :P
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24197129@N08/sets/72157615707906426/detail/

-Angela
angelak: (My Lips)
A Friday Morning ramble. )

-Angela
angelak: (Rufus Swimming)
Rufus and Me! )

-Angela
angelak: (Sparkly Hands)
Friday, Friday! Friday.

Yesterday was nice. I went home, we did SSCT, and then went to dinner after I went to Bath and Body works to get some shower gel. (It's on sale and I'm almost out at home! I want some yummy stuff!! Great timing.) Last year I bought some and it lasted a while, even one of those bottles. So... why not if it is actually reasonably priced at the moment.

I used the end of a gift card that I had from a year ago, and it made it even cheaper. Yeay. Then we went out to dinner, came home, watched the Classic “Yours, Mine, and Ours,” and went to bed. Notable: I am finally beginning to get some triceps. I did all full pushups for our sets, and I have slowly been working up to this. The weights I have added to the squats and lunges are also a nice addition. I am trying to decide what I am doing tonight. Am I running? I think so. Maybe I can do this on lunch and get it over with. Daylight is never a bad thing – although a lot of times I have been doing the running later at night.

I feel like with the SSCT I have come a long way. These things used to be a larger challenge, and now although it is a workout and I feel it every time, I also feel like it is easier.
Work is work. I had my review, I got my raise, now I just continue on and do the same old. I like more money – who doesn't?

Jim has potential in the next few months to begin to get to the point where he can work on his own and start making more money. Perhaps even match my own pay grade. Wouldn't that be nice?! I hope so. We could easily afford SOMETHING of our own if this happened. I can afford it possibly on my own (it never feels like I can, but... I am sure it will always be that way until I make a jump.) It is all about being mentally ready to buy less random crap and put it into something worth more.

It is a good thing I lost weight now; before this onset of a home. Because new clothes are a challenging endeavor ($$$$). I am now at a place where I am at maintenance weight (or shape I guess). The stuff I buy now is the stuff I am going to have for a while. Much like my old clothes used to be.

And tonight I might go to Burien and talk to the grandparents. Rufus had 2 accidents in one day yesterday. That really sucked. One was right next to the couch during the movie. One was in the middle of the night. We had been doing so very well in the past week or two with no accidents in the house. It really drives home to Jim that yeah – this issue is important to take care of.

-sigh-

It really sucks. I am glad it is January and time to address this issue of Cushings disease more seriously. My poor dog.

-Angela

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