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angelak: (Alone)
Teacher Training Memoire )
-Angela
angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
It's been happening. It's the kind of week where every time I turn around, I'm missing, remembering, reminiscing about my friends, my experience, my life in Los Angeles, Teacher Training. Blown away it's over, and intensely full of nostalgia for my comrades – we've all faded into our regular lives and we are still a part of one another, but it is never going to be the same. It was a one shot show, once only. I miss so very much about the experience, it comes back in waves.

First I think about the classes. I miss waking up in the morning every day and preparing to hit the mat first thing, before anything else happened in my day. I miss standing around before class in the morning and the evening talking to my besties. I miss Bikram's classes more than I care to admit. I have never, ever, ever, laughed so hard in my life – all while still doing yoga. Who knew. OF course there will never be any other class like that. I miss twice a day yoga, every week. I miss the ease of getting the yoga in because NOTHING ELSE could get in the way. The jokes, the singing, the ridiculous songs. I also miss being sick of hearing the same stupid tired tune, but every time Bikram sang, I loved it. Maybe other people hated it – but I adored it. His energy from the podium was so great. I kept fighting my own feelings because I was in a sea of other people, but now I can look back and I know what I felt. Bikram is a soul that while everyone talks about him being a dick, I am endeared by.

I felt like I had to think he was an asshole because he said mean things too. But that's not how I felt. I didn't find him to be an asshole. I found him to be a master of shock value. That's it. People constantly take shit so seriously. Even me. More than Bikram being a dick to me, I took those ridiculous posture clinic teachers harder than I ever took Boss.

I even miss posture clinics, hours and hours of BS. I do not miss someone giving me crap for bathroom breaks or where I was going at any point in the day – that I certainly do NOT miss. I do NOT miss being told, that one day when my period went on for 2 days longer than normal, "why weren't you prepared enough to bring EXTRA tampons????" (To the person who said, I give you a FUCK YOU from here, right now, still. I was bleeding out of my crotch and very unhappy in that moment). I miss everyone whining and bitching about Mahabarat. I miss laughing and eating garbage food all night long. While I often felt estranged from even my own close knit group of friends, I often didn't realize I was more accepted than I thought. No one really knew me at times, but then sometimes there were moments where people did know me intimately in ways that others in my regular life didn't.

Do I miss being a snotty pile of shit in the last week because I allowed people in posture clinic to rob me of my peace and human dignity momentarily? No. Of course not. I hated that. I hated it more than anything. I felt like the only person who was a mess in those moments. Everyone could see it. There was no way to keep it from being exposed to tens of twenties of people all over. Was I snotty mess? Yes, Yes I was. Because I wasn't ready to accept that everyone is human, and no one gives a shit if you expose your weakness. I regularly do expose my weakness – but typically only in word form. Not in actual, raw expression. A lot of people followed my blog apparently while I was gone, and by the time the real juicy crap hit me, I was unable to take time to write. It's coming out now maybe.

I miss Karen and her cute, smiley self. She is a great lady, and I do know she's got a lot of wisdom. And sweet Tracy, who was often in my room when I came back during breaks from studying...

I miss Gui from Chile... I will never forget the day he asked me if I was having a good day in the hallway back to our rooms - 4th floor neighbors as it were, in the final week. When I in fact, was not having a good week. I tried to say I was okay, And then - I looked at him with his big heart and beautiful eyes, and just started bawling. He took me in his arms and held me and said a bunch of Spanish things and it didn't matter what he said. He squeezed me and it was all okay. His big heart was something that made everyone know and love him by the end of the 9 weeks.

Digression – the things I miss. The damn stairwells. I miss walking down Sepulveda, I miss the spanish speakers. I miss telling them things like, "I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. Hungry for penis..." In Spanish. The look on those faces. Seriously. And I miss Olga... I miss her natural charm and beauty and support. That girl knew I struggled with a sense of self confidence, I think she felt it more than others sometimes. Sniff. There aren't words for missing the people who held my thread of sanity at times. Shit, I had no idea! I also regret not having a chance to get to know more people, better. I could easily turn into a sniffly mess just thinking of these people in detail. Thomas, and yes Katty. But Katty and I have a different connection. And I can feel her proximity. I have more contact with her, so it burns less than say – Olga, Thomas, Gordon... and when we're not talking about my posse, all I can think of is Group 17 and the people who incidentally showed me more support than I think I've ever seen in my life regarding an academic endeavor. Renata, Karoline, Ula... Czech Republic, Germany, Florida... how the hell will I ever connect with these people that I feel shaped me so much, and gave me so much, every day, every week........ it gives me a giant lump in my throat, it makes my eyes water. These ladies... they accepted me and were always there for me, and when I fell apart – they never ever gave up on me. The emotions are so huge. Tangible, and I think they live and breathe on their own.

The group as a whole, screaming and clapping and cheering you on every day as we all stepped up to deliver the postures... when people ask me about TT, I have no way to put the emotions into words. They are so poignant – and most of the time, I've been avoiding them a little bit since I got home. Why would I want to think so deeply about the people I miss... I might actually cry because it's over, and there's no looking back. Actually, I've been so focused on my teaching, on being the best teacher I can be even though most new teachers have a long, maybe much lonelier journey ahead than was TT. I have my freedoms back, but the people... they're scattered all over the World and I miss them. I want to stamp my feet, fists balled up, and scream. I miss my people! Miss them so much! It makes me feel so lonely I don't know I've ever felt like this in my entire life... you know when you miss one person you're in love with intensely, like your lover or your primary life partner? It kind of feels like this, except with 20 people simultaneously.

It's a sense of longing I feel like will never really quite ease up, after all. I have a billion places on the map now that I have an urgency towards seeing, but no vacation time left, and a bunch of financial things to sort out for myself. (I'm still solid, it's going quite well, but I have to recover from that investment). And now I see why people say it is the best money they ever spent.

And now I find myself so qualified. People ask me about yoga everywhere. And I have a million things to say, it all comes out without me even thinking about it. People with their fucked up bodies everywhere....... I want them to come in. I want them to start a yoga practice, because I know. I * know * beyond a shadow of doubt that it would help ease their problem. And yet I can't even get the point across. No... I can't. It's something people have to figure out on their own and want to heal on their own. I can say 100 things and that person who scoliosis will talk about the other yoga they tried and how it made their shit worse. Well, that's because you were doing some weird yoga combined with pilates and this and that. It was not designed as a healing routine, but a fitness routine. The difference is night and day. Your hips are screwed up? You can fix this. I swear.

Most people lack the all out commitment to heal themselves, though. I hate to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. That's the truth. You'd rather try and give a half assed shot at health and do it the lazy way, instead of the hard way. I see it every day.

And Reina reminded me of how she urged me to try yoga for 2 years, and one day I went on my own without her knowing... I told Reina for a year, “no, Reina. I'm a runner. I don't do that pansy ass yoga crap.” Now she is witnessing me – today, and I'm a teacher.

Sorry, Reina. You knew what you were talking about.

There are more things I miss... of course, sure – California. But not really nearly as much as I miss the yoga bubble. And the people. I'm a people lover, and once I make some connections, well. What can I say? I really fall for people. And not just my lovers. My friends are so, so important to me too. And to the people still supporting me (Katty) while I walk the rough path of new teaching. Well, you mean more to me than you know. And so too, do those people who kept me strong through out Fall 2011 TT.

And as Bikram would say in class ....
"Are you ready? YES OR NO?!"
This time, not for a posture, but... For life on the outside?

-Angela
angelak: (Visualize)
Week 6 and 7 updates! Huge differences between weeks 6 and 7. During week 6 I finally got my brain in the groove with memorizing and delivering postures in posture clinic. I was very happy to get in a rhythm. I knew what I needed to do in order to get the words in my head, how much time I needed, and what the results would be. This took away a lot of anxiety away from me, and I was able to relax and be myself while delivering. As much as anyone will ever relax in posture clinic. So that was week 6. A LOT happened in week 6. I just can’t remember how to explain it. My body was getting pretty tight in week 6, so my knees were giving me hell. I got a massage at the end of week 6 and week 7 went easier with the knees. 90 minute massage, the first one since I got here.

Week 7, posture clinics winded down. I know these posts are pretty much not doing my experiences justice, but fortunately I remember a lot of it in my head currently. Posture clinics finished, and the energy of everyone is starting to change. We’re realizing that this isn’t going to go on and on forever, and those of us with scheduled classes are also realizing that our first class is not that far away. More Bollywood videos, more late nights I predict are ahead, but so too are morning classes everyday with Rajashree, and evening classes again with Bikram every night. It’s hard to believe that at the end of week 7 here, we’ve completed 76 yoga classes. It’s odd how we all talk about it very nonchalant – very casual, about the amount of yoga we do. We also are all starting to sound like Bikram teachers, just the timber of how we talk in our conversations and how anything in everyday conversation turns into a line of dialogue. Now if only that shit will come out of my mouth for my first class, my second class, and every class for the rest of my life that I teach! Jeez.

It’s amazing. I’m emotional internally about having to leave, but really wanting to go home all at once. LA is a beautiful place regarding sunshine in October and November, (and rain, real rain) since the first time we got here. I am spending this weekend relaxing more than usual because I will be hitting my dialogue hard soon. My friends and I want to start practicing and stringing postures together, teaching each other mini classes with our spare time, instead of waiting until we get to our first classes to experience part of this.

I am just missing my regular life and occasionally getting sick of sharing a single hotel room with another person. She’s the best roomie I could ask for, but sometimes I want a normal fridge and and and and.
I miss my car, at this point also. I’m not pleased to be going home and to freeze either. Everyone I talk to notices we all get cold even when it’s like 65 degrees somewhere. I think we’re so acclimated to 115-120F rooms, that now we’re cold everywhere else. It’s ridiculous!
Also bloated as hell and feeling pretty damn fat. Can’t wait to go back and feel normal :P
But at the same time, I know I have to address my real life back at home. You know, the IT life. My job. Powering through those things and learning to navigate what’s ahead for me. Learning to go with the flow – not place too many expectations on where my sweet life is headed. I have had so many days in week 7 where I was annoyed at sharing all this space with everyone, but so happy for it too. And many days when I am in the middle of some lecture of walking somewhere with my lovelies here – that I just can’t believe this is my life, that I was able to manifest this, that I’ve worked to get here and that I am here and doing this thing, and that I have gotten so far in the process and that I’m going to get to go home and begin my path as a teacher. I want to touch the lives of others the way my favorite teachers have done so with me, so desperately want to give to my students. Sometimes I’m just walking around thinking about this, and all the energy I want to put towards this path, that I just want to cry. It’s probably the most one of a kind feeling I’ve ever felt. I never felt this way about my career with the City of Issaquah. It’s not that it hasn’t been inspiring and beautiful at Issaquah… it’s just that I’ve been in a holding pattern there for so long and known that my soul needed to give more than that. I also have learned I can survive without my comfort zone of Issaquah and that it’s actually beautiful. It’s not that I am leaving my job at this point, if ever (again, no expectations) it’s just that I know that I’ll go home and I won’t ever be the same. I’m a little nervous of trying to go back to my job and what that will feel like. It’s a very unknown. People do miss me back at Issaquah, that’s good to know (my boss mentioned this to me in an email). Whatever the case, 2 months away from my life there has done me good. And I’ve learned a lot about people and life while being in this environment. Also, a lot about where I want to go with my fitness once I have the time. We’ll see. I also have a notion that the way I use my time when I go home will be very, very, vastly different than how I used it before. Fitting all I need into 1-2 hours a day is going to help me be able to do more in less time when I go home. Especially studying. I fully intend on staying very inspired with the studying. This weekend I’ve dropped that thread but I’ve been workin pretty hard with it. I also am very happy I learned to study on my own.

I also miss my dogs and my household at home at this point. When Jim came to visit for one weekend it really reminded me of how we fit together. Especially after being in contact with so many others this phase of my life, and seeing how things work and don’t work with others. I am ready to return to my life soon. And yet I hate to let these people go back to their corners of the World, and me too. I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m probably going to be bawling my eyes out in the last weekend because these people can’t be replaced. I know they’ll be around, but the comradely is pretty stellar. I knew I’d come to love some people here, and I remember wondering what that would be like before I left. Now I know who those people are and what it feels like. And it’s odd. Fortunately, there are a few people who live in Vancouver BC who are this list, so that is only a few hours away. The first thing I am doing upon going home is getting that passport. End of story.

I wish I could honestly put more of what has been going on in my into words, but it’s been hard to verbalize on it all. Days pass in a very cyclic way. It goes fast and slow. 2 classes a day, either a lecture and posture clinic, or a posture clinic and lecture/movie… the days are long and my body is used to the idea of not going to bed until late and getting up and hitting the yoga room. In Week 7, some of the days I didn’t feel like doing the yoga, but it’s amazing how once you’ve gotten through the class, it’s like it almost never happened. My practice, I have not been attached to in a long time as to “how it is.” I just don’t care. I give my all in moment to moment during the classes. That’s all I have and I don’t even judge myself about whether it’s a good or a bad class. A lot of people still do. But I just couldn’t be bothered. I just want to be true to myself in the hot room. I want to get the benefits, and I know that my body will be changed forever from 9 weeks of doubles. I know I won’t ever practice this much again in my life, so this is it. I owe it to myself to give myself the best in there. Every Tuesday I thank the gods that I am in a hot room instead of a team meeting. I don’t miss work that much. Even the people there, I feel so disconnected. I’ll be reconnecting when I get home, of course. Detaching from things in my life is pretty unique, and I can tell I’ve done that. I’ll come back and it will be the holidays and I’m not sure how I feel about much. I’ve even disconnected to food ideologies and rules. I’m really glad. I just can’t be bothered to worry worry worry about a bunch of shit that ultimately is a waste of energy anymore. Anyways. Been reaping some solo time this morning, on Sunday. Walking in the rain here, shopping. I see Karen has a lot of spaced used up in our mini fridge here… I fortunately managed to squeeze my stuff in. Phew. She has bigger things :D

I hope I can launch into operation make home the most awesome place to be when I get home. I’m no interior designer, but the energy to put into my home is starting to build up while I am holed up in this hotel room. Wow, right?

When I sit around and look at all the people here and imagine us all teaching our classes… it’s a powerful vision. I cannot wait until I get to travel around and take classes from some of these people. And I can’t wait to put my best of me into becoming better as a teacher for both myself, and more importantly - my students, as I start the difficult but amazing journey.

And it's possible that Sasha will be visiting me next weekend!!! WE'll see. Fingers crossed.

-Angela
angelak: (I go Wild)
Today on breakfast/lunch break I was studying in the parking structure of Marriott across the street from this hotel on the top floor (roof top basically, 7 floors up). It’s a secret study spot I have where no yogis or yoginis are, and it’s peaceful and I watch planes take off and land in at LAX, and study with whatever time I have between eating and showering. I had to find secret spots weeks ago to escape everyone else muttering to themselves around here. We were actually banned from reciting yoga instructional on the lobby floor of Radisson here, because it was scaring people. Normally in high traffic areas I hold up my dialogue so people can see I am reciting, to avoid looking crazy; but not so much in my secret places…

I was really getting into Head to Knee with stretching pose, Janushirasana and Paschimotthanasana (I can pronounce this, I need a gold star) – this happens to be the one we delivered in posture clinic tonight, and I have to admit I delivered perfect verbatim dialogue, and it is the longest one we’ve delivered.) – Digression, in my secret study spot: basically I walk back and forth, repeating lines and over and over again to the air, with intense concentration on my face at first as I pick up lines. A guy was walking by. After he passed me and was gone for a second or two, he doubled back and asked, "ARE YOU OK!? You're not going to jump are you?!" (he was serious). I replied... "no! I'm studying!!!!!”

What a moment. Suffice to say I had to stop studying. The notion that my pacing and talking to myself appeared that I was going to commit suicide definitely jarred my concentration from then on.

I need to write more about week 6 or something soon. But you know - it gets hectic doesn't it? ;) I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head, especially about this whole posture clinic process. It has to be written down soon! But not now. I have to go to bed so I can get up early and study OUR LAST posture clinic posture tomorrow morning!!!

-Angela
angelak: (Cool Drink)
I have to say yesterday was a pretty successful day in general. My posture clinics went great. They were both postures that require high energy and crescendo - and fortunately that is something I can easily drum up. And my memorization was working. I can't express the relief. And we got our anatomy test results. I passed, so that's good. That's behind us!!!

So today is fixed firm pose, and possibly half tortoise. I find that I want to really zero in on fixed firm; I know doing it right and precise is important to the health of the student doing the pose - seeing as knee issues or even not having knee issues it's important not to fuck with that. In other words: it's important to do this one properly to prevent hurting yourself. Same is true of a lot of postures, of course. So, here's to learning fixed firm.

We also went to bed at 1 Am, which was generous. "Optional" movie night. I bolted for the door the moment Michon said that. No way was I staying up till 4AM for that. The late night posture clinic (9-11) and then a lecture from Bikram was enough. I was in high spirits, though. I actually got one very, very good piece of feedback, and even when I've been doing well - some of the mentors haven't been letting loose with the positive reinforcement for me. But last night, they finally did. As for today- well. I just go in and keep trying to work the way I did for yesterday. Today I am really sluggish and tired, I can feel it. Must be the classes I've been pushing really hard in lately.

-Angela
angelak: (Palm Trees)
Full locust went far better than Locust. Thank goodness. Now onto Bow. At first I thought I was going to have to go before evening class for bow, but fortunately I did not have to. If we have evening posture clinic - fine. I just want to have enough time to lock in some verbatim words instead of flying by the seat of my pants.
I want to learn this!!!!

Looking for good retention on bow. Nadia really helped me out at lunch today regarding my Full Locust. Sometimes running into the right people at the right time works out. Now if I can keep going with that for a few more days until the weekend, yeah? Definitely I'm also 100% ready to be home for one reason alone: I am so tired of people and their gross smells. My smell sense is very acute at home - but as the weeks pass here, it is getting even MORE acute (for whatever fucking reason that is) - a nice guy next to me in posture clinic brought his fish out after break. He took it back to the outdoors (somehow) but the rest of clinic for another hour, I could smell it on him. I can smell people from around the room. Also to be noted, I could smell several men today, and they were smelling pretty good. As usual, I tell people exactly what I witness through my perception. I'm sure they enjoyed those compliments...

Anyway. So when I go home, I will be so happy not to be around people who do or eat things that are gross to me. Just saying!

-Angela
angelak: (Lots of candles)
SPARE TIME! I could be studying, but today I need to write a little more. This week has been great. I was super tired on Saturday, and particularly Sunday morning. My whole being was a little fatigued; I think it was the yoga catching up with me. 50some classes in 5 weeks will do that to you, I suppose. But Monday went well. Nailed Cobra – I did well. I felt like myself while delivering the posture and something about the way my voice echoed in the cabana of the posture clinic room was pretty impressive. Like somehow in that moment I heard myself, I was stepping up and taking ownership of my future in teaching.
Then we had a hot class with Bikram but Bikram was too tired and unhappy about how hot it was and his AC on the podium wasn’t working properly. I laughed a lot because he was fucking with his ice bucket and the microphone was catching it and amplifying his ice pilfering throughout the class. That made me amused. Then we didn’t have posture clinic after class, but lecture/movie. That was awesome as far as I was concerned. Then we only stayed up until 1AM – which honestly is not that late in this yoga bubble.
I had even had a chance between studying and eating and lecture, to hit a nap. I was energetic through the movie session. But then we went to bed early at 1AM… got up and Tuesday started. A nice lady taught – the same lady who I delivered Cobra to. I had a good class and while my tendon felt a little tender (more than it has in weeks) I figured I’d take it easy on those tendon oriented postures and rock out the rest. That worked.

Then we had lecture!!!! MORE TIME TO STUDY BEFORE posture clinic, so I was happy. Emmy lectured and I always enjoy these lectures. A lot of people don’t…….. I take a lot of notes on what Emmy speaks about. They are the things I used to spend my spare time researching just for fun, but she is talking about them. Bodies and problems and what’s what. I’m happy about this sort of thing, but a lot of people ignore it and write it off as useless.

Then Emmy decided to do Spine Twist adjustments. One by one. THIS IS TEDIOUS for a crowd to sit through, but I was just happy to not be delivering Locust just yet. At the end, my buddies were getting cranky. I also visited some other people during this time and there were people doing a lot of complaining today. I felt rested, fresh, happy to be here today – but as more and more people around me expressed negativity, the more and more I felt my glow start to wane. And what I think bothers me is when people are knocking the experience here altogether. I’m here and every day I feel really glad I came here, even when things get hard. I am glad I left my everyday Issaquah grind to do, think, feel something ANYTHING other than IT work. This whole thing, not going to the office for 9 weeks straight is so valuable to me, I can’t put it into words. And trying to express this, someone of course said something like, “well you better change your life.” Or “get a new job.” You don’t know anything about my life, you don’t know anything about what I went through to get here and what this means to me. Funny – its easy for people to make comments when they know NOTHING about your life, isn’t it?

The negativity at times drags at me. The gossip. It’s like someone cracks the seal on me sometimes and slowly pours out my life force… I’m not seniorita optimistic, but I am so happy to be here, happy I got to do this, still in disbelief that this is my life, that I really get to work on this. I know it’s not as bad as I imagined it to be, to go through all this – so I try and carry myself through with these thoughts… not the converse. I just want to have fun, not to wallow in my own misery… which this is honestly not that miserable. Sure, there’s some ridiculous bullshit that goes on here. I’m not going to lie. There’s extremely irritating things that happen. But I know personally I will miss the company, the people I’ve gotten to know – the ease of calling any of these people up and being able to meet in the hallway at any time without spending a fuckton of money to visit them.
I miss Jim a lot because now I know why I’m so drawn to him. He is always there to fill up my energetic cup. He’s always a source of brilliant, beautiful, energy. His life perspective and his natural way of making things make sense are beyond valuable. I don’t think I’ll be able to come home and look at him the same ever again. Attitude is contagious. I choose to be around him; I’d rather be someone that people only remember laughing around – rather than anything else. And right now I’m having to dig deep and fill my own cup up. But he’s always a phone call away.

Right now all I can see and hear is the echos of his smile and giggles. It’s a relief to leave the lecture behind me and be ready for our class at 5PM.

I know personally I will miss a lot of things here. And to those who won’t miss the company, the silly jokes and memories being created… wow.

As I wrote on my facebook status (want to save it for LJ reading later):
The words we say, the energy we put out - is connected between each and every one of us. Sitting in a chair for a couple of hours is a small task to be asked of us compared to what real hardships exist in this World. I am here to follow my passion - and sometimes it's easy to lose sight of it through the energetic pollution of cranky folks. So I'm reaffirming that I am so lucky to be here - so lucky to get the chance to become a teacher and one day give to students that I haven't even met yet. Such deep gratitude for this opportunity in my life. It would make me nothing more joyful than to serve in this Yoga.

-Angela
angelak: (JimAngelaKissing)
Not full of a lot of words right now. Not remotely. Week 5 has been interesting. Working through the posture clinics, working through the yoga, learning how to relax through situations that I just can’t be any better in. Booked Jim’s flight early in the week so he could fly in this weekend. I felt much more grounded all week long. I started off the week delivering triangle and did pretty well if I do say so myself. Next day was not so great, but they’re all blurring together by the end of the week.
People all were saying it would be “hell” week. I get tired of the labeling and the mock predictions. The heat in the hot room went up Thursday and Friday. I worked very hard in these hot classes, especially the ones where Bikram was there. Jim Kallet’s Friday night class wasn’t really motivating, but we got through that too.
Then Jim came to visit. It was nice to have him here. I wish I had a mental head space for words about all the things going on. But I just feel inadequate to write down what is going on to me here. It’s and up and down process, and sometimes – I just don’t have words for any of it. I know I’m changing somehow, I know I am also becoming better and better at memorizing, but I feel unsure of what that really looks like. I miss Jim already, we just dropped him off at the airport.

He showed up after my Saturday morning class, and honestly it felt surreal. Having him here felt very natural, very normal – but it also felt like just by having him here, the yoga bubble was somewhat deflated. And I liked that. That was a good thing. I also felt like I was retaining the lines better with him here. Someone to talk to, to lean on, to touch… I think I miss touch the most here. It was almost easier without having seen him to not miss him because I had become so accustomed to it, in ways. But so much is clear to me now. How much our shared energy really works for me and who I am as a person, how much his company really is organic and comfortable and everything I could ask for in a partner. He’s the most perfect person I could never have imagined to share my life with.
He doesn’t have to do anything or be a certain way – he just is this for me.
So, I mostly retained 2 postures so far over the weekend and still have a few hours of the night to pick up one or two before bed? We’ll see. I figured I’d write in this blog before my brain falls out. He helped me study all weekend by just listening and letting me say stuff outloud and just generally being with me. So the touch part – the leaning on someone is the most difficult part.

The weekend with Jim included us renting a car so we could drive to Venice Beach, we went shopping there, Jim got 3 specialty shirts down on the boardwalk there, and I got one. We went to the Santa Monica pier, we ate at Bubba Gump’s – but the food was not the best for my sensitive apparently – system. Who knew my body would be more sensitive after all this probable detoxing? Today we went to Manhatten beach, had breakfast, got tea, went to a bakery, went and did all my errands, and just hung out at the ocean for a while, took a solid nap snuggling each other. He also went with me to Kohl’s to find more posture clinic clothes. Then we met up with Curtis for dinner, and Curtis took him to the airport and dropped me off back at the hotel.

The weekend with Jim felt long, but now that he is gone it is only mildly difficult to know I have 4 more weeks before I see him again, and a lot of work ahead of me. I just hope this week I can power through and stay strong. I know we’ll continue getting less sleep, and my body felt fatigued as hell this weekend. Hopefully I will regain energy as the week starts off and that I will be able to spit out words on que. I can see how nice it will be to come home and resume regular life with my best friend … that part is clear to me. Hard to see him go, it was a welcome reprieve from the “living with folks who know me, but not the real, real me.” Sigh. What a week last week was. I am proud of last week, but also looking ahead and feeling overwhelmed for week 6. And I’m not sure why!

-Angela
angelak: (Default)
One more posture behind me for posture clinics. "That was not bad..." was the feedback, along with try and string each line with each other. I really could have gave a fuck what she said to me today. At this point I'm already trying every way to retain dialogue so most little pieces of advice aren't new or anything. Not fair to teachers who start trying to give me tips that I've heard them all already?

The success for me was in the relaxed feeling going up there feeling like I could not forget the dialogue when I stepped up there. Even if I drop lines, I'm beyond caring about it. I'll never be a verbatim chick while I'm here. It's in someone else's cards, not mine. They could have told me anything and I really wouldn't have cared.

I wrote it off as a success to myself. I got them in and out and got all the important (as best I could) lines through. I was looking at the bodies best I could. Ivan was also demonstrating and I gotta say he wasn't queing me really, but I could clearly see where to take him next in the posture. Did I mention I love Ivan for that??? lol. 5pm class is on deck. I'll try to keep up with my blogging when possible. And right now, I had like 3 extra minutes. So - you guessed it! A short post!

-Angela
angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
Preface this to say I wish I had time for details, but this will do: Week 4 come and gone. Time moves in a strange way here. Fast and slow simultaneously, 50/50… if you are not kicking back hard enough, you’ll lose the balance. I struggle. I struggle a lot with memorization, but maybe more than memorization I struggle with keeping myself on my own journey and not comparing my learning style, my deliveries, my learning pace with everyone else. That’s a huge problem for me. And when I do this, it means that 24/7, it’s all around me. In my face all the time. Everyone is always studying here (including me) and if I allow myself to compare compare compare myself to others, it’s pretty demoralizing. I know not to.
I found a good study partner early in the week but it’s hard to nail her down. However, she did help me find a good memorization technique. I am learning more and more about how my brain processes this kind of raw/straight data. It’s coming easier every day. The big thing is I can’t be here in the hotel with 100 distractions and all these other people practicing. I think that’s a big one. I also need to dissect the information.

So last week I nailed Balancing stick and actually had a SUCCESS. I think hindsight they all weren’t too bad, but I was too busy noticing that I’m not verbatim like the people who obviously learn it super fast in my group. I was too busy not looking at my strong points to see that even before balancing stick, I was doing okay. No, I don’t think I’ll ever be a verbatim chica here in posture clinics. So what. So the leads will tell me “get more precision. Keep studying.” Well. No shit, right? Like I was going to stop, eh? No.

Relaxing and just allowing isn’t as easy as it seems for me. So, Wednesday this week I nailed it and had a strong, personality filled delivery. I said it fast, I said all the bolded words with power and I was amazing. And when they told me more precision, I said, “You know what. This was my BEST delivery yet. My best. I just want to say that. And I’m proud of myself!” And my whole group cheered for me and confirmed from the walls around me, and it was a good feeling to know that they were all rooting for me. Then Thursday… my hell day. I got sick because Wednesday night Bikram had us watch a Bollywood movie until 4AM and I caught my room mate’s nasty sinus cold. We were in the lecture hall room with the microphone (which excited me, I love microphones)… but it was my worst delivery ever because Mohawk chick who said nice things to everyone but me made a comment that I let get under my skin. Go figure, I guess I was also premenstrual, sick, tired, and could not berathe through my nose. I blanked and didn’t keep going 4 separate times, which for me was a first. My only saving grace in my head previously was that I would never stop and I’d always get my mock students out of the posture… and this time I just blanked and blanked and blanked. I kept hearing her comment “precision” that she told me before my delivery and all the sudden the words were gone. And I’d really studied, I’d had it, at least enough to get them in and out of the posture, right?

Awful. Then I demonstrated and it was a forward bending upside down type posture … 3 demonstrations later my sinuses were twice as bad and I couldn’t breathe at all for real. I saw down with my homies in the hotel chairs because it was not a cabana but the actual hotel lecture hall. What the chick said when I was processing what happened on stage was semi rude to me but I reacted to it way more. I’d write it but I am trying to write this before my 830 Monday class. Yesterday I studied triangle before bed instead of writing in blog, shock shock. I woke up with it in my head, and I was happy about this. “Right arm stretch down, left arm stretch up….” Type stuff as I woke up. Good sign I guess. Thursday, I just ended up tearing up, being so frustrated, tired, sick, upset – until Kanako noticed in my group… and she came over and gave me the tightest, sweetest hug. That was the tipping point. Then the waterworks came and I knew that if I didn’t leave, everyone would hear LOUD sniffling because with a clogged sinus, you cannot get away with silently doing this. I got up and went to the ladies room and found that tons of ladies coming to pee were very supportive. I just wanted to get it over with, the awful feeling of “why can’t I just stick some words in my head long enough to spit them out” I didn’t even know why I was really just all weepy. I think I’ve never felt as sick as I felt on Thursday, either. Friday was pretty much drama too, but we got the night off so I went to dinner with the posse and came back and studied triangle with Karen, my roomie. That was awesome. All in all Friday wasn’t my favorite, but I was happy to have the night off. I think hearing Gordon and Ann Marie mention they were disappointed at having the night off because they wanted to deliver triangle – when I hadn’t even looked at it. It was the only one I hadn’t looked at ahead of time so I was going to have to learn it in our dinner break and deliver afterwards… so when they gave us the night off, I was really happy. When I’m around super perfectionist around here, I tend to get a little angry. I can’t help but want to maybe slip them some kind of potion that helps them drop several lines ……..

Anyway. It’s not about that. Then as the weekend came, I began to relax, began to start learning more postures on my own time, Billy helped me study, so that was good. I see when people say “they have’ a posture, it’s not 100% for everyone . Just the perfectionists, and I realize I’m not really that far behind anyone. It doesn’t even matter where I am. It doesn’t matter at all. I just need to relax and be ready for this week. Bikram will be lecturing I think, or we will have double posture clinics. It’s all going to be fine, and I look forward to the end of week. I booked a flight for Jim, so he can help me study and we’ll hang out around LA because he’s never been here. The idea of just having a few minutes to lay with someone … sounds really nice. I miss leaning on someone harmlessly when I’m tired. I miss a lot of things, at this point. A month here has been awesome. I love the weather in So cal, I can’t help it. I’m going to be sad to freeze in Washington when I get home. But that’s ok. I went shopping this weekend, paid my bills, bought a couple of yoga shorts from visiting vendors, tidied my hotel room, basically relaxed while studying my dialogue. I always feel like I could have studied more, but that’s usually when I see someone else’s progress. I just have to really focus on not giving a shit about anyone but me. This is all for me. I have 5 more weeks and I can’t waste them on worrying about anyone else. And I don’t give a damn what those leads tell me. Take the good and drop the bad. That’s what I gotta work on. Although admittedly I did well with that except for Thursday. I think it was just all around a BADDAY(tm) for me - I was off on all levels. And getting more photos with varying yogi friends here, and a couple of other things. But now I better get a quick bit of fuel before my first class. I am wearing some new shorts to class this morning. This week is going to be ok. Especially if this illness can just leave me. It’s mostly gone….

-Angela
angelak: (Attitude)
Today is the day we start week 3. I don’t ever want to show up to sign in early, ever again, so I am writing – even though I could be studying Dialogue. I have 2 new guidelines here:
1- Never show up early to sign in ever again
2- I’m not eating salad.

Week 2 started with a class that I don’t think I will ever forget. I can’t even believe it was a week ago, because in this Yoga-Unvierse, time goes fast and slow simultaneously. Monday morning was a great class by Bikram’s neice, and the last descendant of his guru – Tum-Tum. I really enjoyed her class.
Monday night was Bikram’s class. Bikram’s evening class was an inferno. It was the hottest class ever, and halfway through he referenced Acapulco Mexico training – as we lost about 15 people per posture to the outside of the room. I found by the 2nd or 3rd posture, I could barely execute the setups for the postures. I didn’t quite understand what was going on. I am loathe to blame it on the “heat” of the room ever, so I just assumed I was a fucking loser. Until I saw all around me, people were laying out, leaving the room, and my homie Gordon was equally struggling as much as I was (next to me). Finally I laid out. I couldn’t breathe. No air was getting to my body, and I could feel it. I kept trying to get back up and do the next posture, over and over again – only to be defeated. Eventually with all my up and down, I gave up. The floor was hot as hot can be. They START the teacher training room out around 110. I think it was somewhere around 120-130F, to be honest. I was tracking my heart rate and it was up around the rate where it is when I am running about 7mph on a road run. When it didn’t come down and stayed elevated for a good 10 minutes, I started to feel wonky in a way that qued me that passing out might happen. I do not leave the room here. I got up – and focused on walking a straight line and not falling on anyone – as I approached the door, Bikram’s staff all, as I walked by, looked me clear in the face and asked if I was OK. Not really even knowing what was coming out of me, I said, “yeah. Yeah. I’m good.” I don’t know how close to “good” I was, but I went off to the ladies room and pretty much took my heart rate one more time and realized it was dropping immediately following the fresh air. There was no oxygen in the room, and I’m guessing with all those bodies…… that’s a bad thing.

I had about a 10 second sob session for god’only’knows what reason. I felt so defeated, deflated. Came out into the lobby area where there were so many of my classmates laying out – being handed super-charged sugar/electrolyte drinks from the nurse. A weird feeling being out on the other side for any period of time while class was going. Sam, Bikram’s good friend from way back who I always say hi to, and laugh with a lot, saw me and said, “oh… don’t make that face. You look so sad! Smile!” And I burst into tears. For another 10 seconds. And then I was like, Whatever man. What is this? I got up to go back in the room, when I saw La-La, who was outright sobbing. Instead of going into the room again, I stopped to give her the biggest hug ever. I said something to her, I can’t remember what – but it was pretty much supportive. And after that, I picked myself up and headed back into the inferno. My towel was so hot I could have sworn I put it into the microwave (and 100% soaked). I got back in there and did every possible floor posture left, and actually finished the class semi strong. Gordon next to me, when I was about ready to lay out camel pose – looked at me and indicated to get up – to do it. So I did. The kind of friends I’ve made here are amazing. I only wish I knew how to put it into words. We’ve known each other for 2 weeks outside the yoga universe, and that feels like 2 years in the yoga sphere.

As far as that class. Bikram complained several times about how hot it was and what the fuck was going on. At first he was ribbing us for sitting out until the awful heat made it up to his sky high podium. I don’t think his AC up there was combating the inferno. About 4 postures away from the end of the series, Bikram said he had to pee and left. And did not come back. Turns out his class was initially 2 hours and 45 minutes that day - I really couldn’t tell. Also: He told us a vivid story about the runs he had when we got to lecture that night, but he had Eric finish out the class and Eric was amazing and got the postuers out clear, concise, and didn’t hold us long. Half of the class was gone anyway, right? A lot of people get annoyed at Bikram’s seriously vivid and all-details in, stories and body talk. I think they’re hilarious. He’s a lot like me in the respect where he will say ANYTHING to ANYONE and not really care.

Needless to say, we survived that. Next few classes were impossibly hot, but it turns out one of the fans broke and there was no airflow. We were getting a mild oxygen deprivation. But the show goes on in the Bikram world. And it did. And it humbled a lot of students who have never taken a knee, never left the room, never did this, never did that.

By the end of the week, the fan was back (they had to order another one).
By the end of the week, I was getting annoyed at myself and my lack of form in the postures. And somehow I started to feel overly bloated and at my own throat. I was less snappy at others than myself on Saturday. Especially since I missed a sign in on Tuesday morning by showing up too early to class. I was there 40 minutes early, checked back to sign in twice, clipboards were still turned over. Damn. Then I went and had some great digestive situations, and totally forgot to go back when it was open. They announce “Team Saturday” make up class, non sign in people – at the beginning of class. When I heard my name over the great sound system, I was like, “what?” Fuck. For Christ’s sake. Of course they check to make sure you are there and then you make up the class anyway. My Tuesday morning class wasn’t that great because I just could not focus. I was crestfallen.

I meant to post this particular post soon, but here it is. Better late than never. Now I can be all caught up and get into week 4 if I have a spare moment or on Sunday.

Here are a few more run-downs:

Posture clinics started. They're hardcore. We are currently doing at least one posture per day. First part of awkward pose for me went smooth, however - I FREAKED out Wednesday night before delivering the 2nd and 3rd parts of awkward pose. As in, melt down. Eric advised no paragraph for paragraph memorization for me (my friends decided to push me towards staff Eric even before I was done crying. Great... jeez). Feeling pretty cleansed at that point of self frustration. That's a good thing.

Eagle pose - I noticed I wouldn't lose the whole posture, just the middle. The leads in my posture clinics pointed out that they noticed I could at least SEE the bodies, even if I didn't have the dialogue. That's a good sign...... a LOT (most) I guess don't see the bodies as they are beginners, so that was some positive feedback. Those were my tiny notes and all I have time for this morning before class - it's almost time! I gotta get my water together!

PS - I also need to write the salad story sometime too... oops.

-Angela
angelak: (Default)
Week three has just concluded. I can say without a doubt this is definitely pushing me to do more than I've ever done in my life. AS far as the week concluding - I technically count after the 8AM Saturday class (a half hour earlier than weekday classes). I am NOT on Team Saturday for week 3; that is a relief. I really, really, really, really, really need those extra 2-3 hours to STUDY more dialogue. I can't stress that enough.

I had another post half written about week 2 - but I figured I'd better take this opportunity to jot down some stuff. I also have some notes in a notebook that I can transfer into a blog post too. So this is how the posture clinics have gone:

Breakneck speed.
We all have been assigned into groups of 20 - these people in our group are the ones with the same letters in our last names. My group has a lot of English as a Second Language people, it's interesting. They make me feel better, and they also simultaneously blow my mind. Memorizing this as my first language is bad enough. Basically, they then combine two groups of 20 - we stay with our group of 20 everyday for posture clinics, but the second group changes every day - so you get a fresh set of people often. And yet at the same time, you also get to know other people via the posture clinics and see how everyone slowly... SLOOOOWLY improves. Or how the exact same perfect people are always verbatim, every clinic. I've been on an up and down roller coaster with the posture clinics. Mostly down this week. First couple postures - I started strong in the beginning of the postures with my verbatim dialogue, and lost the dialogue halfway through, where I would just find a way to get them out of the posture and hurry to get my feedback.

Basically all 40 people go through and one by one we deliver the dialogue with 3 demonstrators doing the pose we walk them through - and there is a panel of 2-4 teachers or senior teachers who critique our delivery. This environment is unlike any public speaking that most of us have ever done - even people who have lots of public speaking experience. Bikram speak is basically a different language - based off of English - but it's not really English. Anyway - so try memorizing and learning a new language and then getting up and reciting that in front of your buddies. Okay, it's worse than that because between our 2 classes a day, our 3 hour anatomy lectures each night, basically the only opportunities to study are at the lunch and dinner breaks, and of course, after midnight when anatomy lectures get out. So, at most for one posture I would get 2 hours to really delve in. I'm NOT a fast memorizer. I struggle with it every step of teh way. It feels as though everyone else is much quicker than me, so when I try to go work with other people, it definitely has taken a toll on my ego and emotions at the times I didn't realize I needed to back off, go do some solo work and not worry so damn much. Admittedly by Awkward pose, prior to delivery of parts 2 and 3 (it has 3 parts) I was in the second floor lobby in tears. How could I be so slow?!?! My pals all had it down pat! And we'd recite it for each other - but I would blank blank blank. The more pressure I put on myself, the more I blanked. Basically I have now figured out a few things. 1- The failure with them was robbing me of energy, I should have gone away on my own to do line by line - where as my buddies were quick enough to do paragraph by paragraph. Not me. 2- The second I was getting too much failure rate, I should have immediately changed my method. It's really about a few things: find a method that works, and realizing that everyone has their own rate of learning - and that my rate is just fine. It's just too slow to be a huge success in posture clinics. Which means I have to get up every posture knowing full well I'll probably be sloppy and bomb the posture delivery. And knowing that that's okay, because I can only learn as fast as I can learn.

I know for a fact one of the days I spent 2 times longer than a lot of my friends, and still bombed it. Some good feedback has come through though - from the lead teachers. Jim K, Bikram's right hand man was fortunately onto me (they also take notes for every clinic and it's in the notebook that each panel has so they can read about your history as now we've had severeal postures).
But I know deep inside my heart that once I get that dialogue into my head (it's already in my heart) that I will be amazing...
Digression - this is rough here. Especially since my nights go to 2AM and then I get up at 6 or 7 for the next yoga class, it's really a constant go-go-go. It's be in this room at this time, go to yoga, try to eat well, more yoga, more this, study study study, find a time to do laundry, and also study for that Monday Anatomy exam etc. All while being stuck up on the floor or in awful hotel chairs. While journeying through crowds of 400 people, many of them wandering around saying dialogue to themselves. They banned us from reciting dialogue in the Lobby - some were scaring the regular hotel guests. (I think the ones who were were not using common sense). When I've said it outloud in public, I hold up the book of dialogue so people can see I am reciting something. Even if I am not even looking at the words.

Needless to say, some very nice people stepped up and supported me these last few days. I would describe it in detail, but this entry is eating into my sleep time. We got let out EARLY from posture clinic, and here I am. Yikes! The stress is off a little. Just one more class tomorrow, and I will relax outside, do some errands, and really, really, really try and hit some serious postures in. As for practicing the 2 yoga classes a day? It's much easier than you would believe. I think I might really miss that when I go home.......what will I do?!?! I would never, ever, ever have guessed that those words would come from my keyboard regarding daily double yoga classes. Wow.

-Angela
angelak: (Alone)
Tum-Tum, Bikram’s neice taught today’s morning class. She’s pretty amazing, I enjoyed her quite a bit. My class was tight, as it always is now in the mornings. I feel like my mind was less stubborn towards going all the way into every posture. I was also just still re-calibrating and finding myself within a sea of energy from other people lately. It’s a good thing to work on for me.

I still feel that I had a strong class, and it was a great way to start off my week. I’m a little emotionally tired today. I just want to be a little introspective, introverted today. I want to hang out with my posse and not really be all outright outgoing. And I want to rest my voice and study dialogue. These things are what I want for myself today, and having a sense of these things are important.

After class, the idea of the meal I normally have seemed disgusting. My stomach isn’t interested. I drank so much water and electrolytes, I think it’s just so full of liquid… I had soup, forced the issue for myself, and strawberries, because Karen had some strawberries that need eating before they go bad. Again, I love how our roomie situation is. Enjoying sharing space, sharing everything. Adapting fast to living in a hotel room. It’s really not so bad, especially since I hate being inside my own home anyway – I live the same way in the hotel room too. I stop in for a bit – but most of the time I want to leave. That’s how I am at 874. I’m going to eat an apple at posture clinic because…… I have a bunch and I haven’t eaten them. Sounds gross to be honest. Ew.

Food – really? It’s gross? What the fuck, right? It’s all good. I have to eat or else my evening class will blow. No one wants to suffer through a possibly over 2 hour class, I think Boss is teaching. I hope he says some funny shit to get me through this? Something was seriously fucked with my first set of triangle today. I think I was distracted by the girl next to me fucking with my mat. I get pretty angry at triangle. Why do I look like a freakshow in triangle? Why?

All good. I feel much better after the class than I did during the class. I was very irritable in class. No lies there. But maybe not as much irritable as I did when I gained 20lbs back in 2010 and I used to want to reach out into the mirror choke out my reflection. That hasn't happened yet. I remember that vividly. ;) I can't see that happening here, different set of issues going on these days, right? Every day is new.

Maybe I my sunshine mentality will come back in full force tonight. I really saw my face looking all shitty and angry in the mirror too this morning. Wow. I did not know my lips were so puffy when I get annoyed or sad, or both. I just never saw it before... I took the front row today. Front row is awesome because focus is better and you can actually see things.

After class it felt great to take some time to go back to my old life way back what feels like 20 years ago, and ground and center like old times before and after energy work. I really needed it. It also made me feel closer to myself to do something familiar, something I’ve done for years – another form of energy work. And it made me recall the many rituals I’ve done in my life and how sacred they have been to me. So much you forget, or take for granted. Or maybe a couple of years I’ve been in a daze and just haven’t been true to myself. That’s what I think I’m seeing. Is that crazy? I’ve done a lot of yoga, but this… this is coming out loud and clear. Come back home to my communities when I go back. Don’t let it slide. It’s important. Like - really come "home." Not just to the yoga community - but the ones that carried me through my life directly outside of college too. Wow. Surprises everyday. Truly.

-Angela
angelak: (ShadowFax)
This week one of my classes was the day I got called onto the podium during our evening class. Imagine… being in the yoga zone – when Boss catches your eye contact and points directly at you and says “YOU! Come up here.” Yesterday he had some lady show off her backbend. Today, I had no idea what the fuck he wanted me to do for him. Could be anything – you know what I am saying? And so I ran up the stairs to the giant podium. You see, I walked in the room and the only spots were available were smack dab in front of the podium. Good thing I felt refreshed, right? You can’t fuck up in the front or else it’s going to be hell. I mean Hell with a capitol H…
So, he had me demonstrate my freaky shoulder flexibility. I’ve always known my shoulders weren’t average. When I first started, they appeared maybe like everyone else’s. Then one day, I could touch my forearms to my cheeks during the breathing exercise. This is what he wanted to show my friends. He had me do it 3 times on the tall, tall podium. I didn’t think my arm positioning was really all that spectacular, until he had me demonstrate, you know? I was like, “oh yeah that’s only because I’m you know… weird.” Or something?

Okay, I guess it’s more than just weirdness, but maybe just a positive. You can bet Boss only brings the best expression of the form to show everyone. So crazy. It was even during the middle of half moon pose – suddenly I glanced up out of my yoga trance and he was staring straight at me. We caught eye contact and he said, “YOU! COME UP ON THE PODIUM!” I think any time Bikram is talking to you like this, your heart jumps out of your chest for half a second.

I sprinted to the super high mirror podium, figuring out where the stairs were to get up to the sky where he stands and watches over the crowd of us. I was in total disbelief, but these things happen fast so really I just moved with it. My millisecond thought was, “oh goddess… what exactly is he bringing me up here for?” I had no idea.

He of course asked me to do my breathing exercise. Then I realized. Oh, I’m a demonstrator. Seriously – I had no idea. Everyone clapped – now, I actually appreciated the clapping. Even though I’m so through with the clapping. This group claps for EVERYTHING! Digression… Bikram had me do it 3 directions so every group could see how my forearms touch my cheeks, and how high my elbows go up. It’s pretty humbling when a lot of your fellow students come up and comment later on how beautiful your pose was. Wowzers. And also being 2 feet away from Boss on a podium that is… frankly a few feet above head level. Initially I was trying to do it further away from the edge of that podium, but he said, “no, no. Go forward! It’s okay! You won’t fall.” Of course… I’m not even scared of heights.!!

Anyways, he said, “that is what we call maybe a little bit double jointed,” as he let me leave, you know – it’s the “be careful! It’s hard getting down.” I’m amazed at how caring he can sound with his voice. Even when he’s being mean, I actually find it endearing……….

So, I went back to my towel mat… but as always, I find my quads get the microshakes after any direct interaction with Bikram. And I’m not a particularly nervous type person. I have no idea what THAT is about?! Doing the next pose and a half was hard because my knees were just a little jello.

Now, being in the very front of the podium means Bikram will no doubt see every single pose you do. This is what I paid for, no? Fortunately I knew my triangle was a fucking mess. We got there and I did my best – but he noticed how jacked up it was. He has no nickname for me. My nickname is YOU!

You! Sit down! Get your ass in the grass! Why you not touching your toes?! (Because I was so busy focusing on my hips not being so far low, that I figured touching my toes was impossible). So his correction came, “Push down! Down!!” So I did, in spite of some excruciating hip pain (seriously) I pushed, and pushed and then I was able to touch my toes (he guided me to that point). “Why no one ever correct you before! Where do you practice?!??!” I told him, of course he said, when I told her who,…. Annette… “I kill her!!! You can touch your toes! You know what your problem is? Lazy mind!!!!”

I just snickered under my breath a little. Lazy mind, indeed. ;) Actually, sometimes I am kinda lazy. Maybe he’s right. I realized after a lot of introspecting (not insulted by Bikram at all for this correction – but honored, honestly). A couple of things about Boss and his corrections:

1- He corrects people he can tell can go further in a posture
2- He corrects people when he knows you can really get something out of it
3- He corrects people who are totally not trying
4- He corrects people when he knows he can make it WAY easier with a tiny tweak

I would say my triangle was 1 and 2. Because the rest of that day, my goal was to fix my damn triangle. And suddenly my next 2 classes, my triangle was suddenly working………….. see what I mean?
Listen to him, and you’ve got gold, seriously. Ass in the grass man. Pain be damned, yeah? So when I have the strength in classes, I will do my best to open up those hips. Poor, stupid, tight hips.

But that’s cool. So, I got a balanced Bikram experience.
The other ladies kissed him on the cheek when he had them come up and demonstrate. Don’t think that’s my style. Besides. I was too busy being shocked that he called me up. Literally like, “what? What planet are we on again?” You know? As I left the stage he did say, “we call those monkey joints. Like my Japanese mother. She just like her.”

Lol. Thanks, Boss. Monkey joints.

Ahhhh, anyway. I would write more but I am running out of time. And I need to study dialogue. Next posture is coming quick. This weekend I will relax in the sun with my dialogue. In my bikini. In Los Angeles. On the BEACH! I can't describe quite how happy I am here. How energized. AS a final side note. I don't think I've been this happy in ages...I can feel my life shifting. I can see the amazing tough, wonderful work ahead of me. And I'm going to savor all of it. Good and Rough - every moment so far has elated me. Enjoy everything!!!

-Angela

PS... sorry if some of this repeats itself. I wrote it 2 different times and was so hurried I didn't have time to really fix it!
angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
So far so good. I delivered half moon finally to Bikram and my 400 friends on stage. Now that's always a moment you don't forget. He could say anything - he's very harsh when he wants to be. Basically he decided from some intuitive place whether he likes you or not within 5 seconds, but he still listens to your whole dialogue. I was relieved when my half moon came out clear, energetic, and 99% verbatim. But it doesn't matter if you are verbatim if he decides he likes you - but heaven help you if it isn't verbatim and he doesn't like you. And watch out - if it's "too good, not variety enough" then he will let you know. Also - if it is over done, he would tell people they are not on broadway stage, but teaching a class. Or if they are boring and put their students to sleep = I pay only fifty cents for your class! Or too slow, too fast, you name it. Or maybe for some reason he just won't like your haircut and he'll tell you it's ugly in front of your 400 new friends...


But for me, "Wow. Amazing." And as I went to hand my microphone (eeep, my microphone! Did I say I love microphones and stages and huge crowds of people!? It elates me... no kidding) ... he said one last time, "Fantastic!" and I thanked him and went to stand on my line to wait for my next homie to deliver hers. Boy, was it hard to do half moon on stage with the mini-shakes, you get to be a student three times before you go sit down (I enjoyed that too, honestly... put a stage anywhere and put me on it and I'm at home, was just hoping my skirt wasn't going to show off my assets with my bending, lol,
So it was great to get that behind me, and that it was positive, and that his correction was no correction. You can begin to see the 1000 things that this guy could say to you about this! I loved the experience, and wasn't nervous until one paragraph in, and only then were my knees micro-shaking (no one knew but me) but of course speaking with a few pals - I appeared 100% confident. So thank goodness.

Because really - I am pretty confident. But wowee, getting up there and the rush... it was bad because he let us go early (Unheard of, honestly - me and Karen were expecting him to keep us till 5AM...) He left us go at 11:30 for some unknown reason (weird but no complaints). Basically I was so strung up on adrenaline, that I couldn’t go to bed after that. I tried to call my Mom, I tried to call Jim, the 2 didn’t pick up.
So instead I floated around talking to some Yogis and Yoginis…I was amped. Full of it. Electric energy pulsing through me a bit. I also didn’t want to go back to my room either. Karen seems to be totally fine with being in the room a lot – but she’s informed me she is not going to be around much on weekends! AWESOME. She has a best friend who lives in LA so she’s going there on weekends. Sounds great to me, frankly!!! WOOOHOO. PARTY IN ROOM 453… ok not really. But you know what I mean.

And now I better get ready for Rajashree’s class (Bosses’ wife). Basically I need to get my protein drink ready, and my regular drinks ready… I need another damn water bottle. 40 ounces doesn’t feel like quite enough in the hot room. ;) The ball room is pretty rad at the Radisson. I must say… now let’s hope I can hack this class. It’s getting a little tight, my back bend is tightening up :P And well. Last class was pretty rough on me, I got to admit by the end I was getting a little nauseous – I hardly ever get nauseous from classes. It was a 2 hour ten minute class – who knew? I guess all of his classes have been around 2 hours lately. I don’t notice, I’m just working so hard and pep talking myself and telling myself “take it easy, honey…” you know?
Like Bikram and Raj And everyone has said: take IT EASY in first 2 weeks. 2 doubles a day, you can’t be a racehorse and a rockstar. I do find it interesting most of the people who have been puking or carried out are very, very skinny – mostly men… and Bikram says as his aids carry them out “see that guy? He doesn’t eat! Look! He needs to have ribs with me! He needs to eat food!” So, my 10lb buffer is holding me up okay, no skeletal me. Just… w00t! Having a blast here and I know I’ll get testy at times, but right now, today – in this moment, everything is great. And I intend to try and see the Great part in as many moments as I can. Real work starts after half moon… especially since I don’t have a lot of them!
Anyway. This change in my life is unreal. Why? Because I’ve been waiting 4 years for life to shift. Holding pattern is officially over!

And Heidi - I represented Renton well.

-Angela
angelak: (Cool Drink)
We are going through half moon pose – in posture clinic, one person at a time. I knew about this… I tried to go yesterday, but this didn’t happen for me. I think maybe 100 people delivered yesterday? Let me tell you… it was definitely rough to sit and listen to 100 people, while not being able to leave the room to pee, while hydrating to the max. Bikram around 11:20pm paused after we had been in the room since 9pm and said:
“You watched that show… Deal or No Deal??? I got deal, for you. We take 5 minute potty break and we go until 1:30… or we take no potty break and go at 12.”
The last 40 minutes of postures were……. Annoying.

Annoying in a good way I guess. I mean – now I really, really, really cannot say I don’t know half moon. I knew it before I came here. And now it’s cemented…. Pretty sure. I hope when my turn comes I can come to the podium, and bring my whole personality with me. I know I have a lot to bring. They always say (for those who do not know) that Bikram can read you like a crystal in the first 5 seconds he sees you. He is VERY intuitive. I believe it 100%. He totally told this one lady (no he is NOT NOT NOT as mean as this makes him sound, I swear – in fact, while people act like he’s mean, I swear again he is not, I love him). He told this lady “what the matter with hair? Hair is ugly! I saw this style like way back, old hair style. What’s up with hair?”

Spoke with her hours later (he did back peddle when he saw she was kinda hurt by it and say “but she have amazing body! Look at this body! How you get this body?” and a bunch of other nicer things after that, haha) and she told me that the odd thing is that the ONLY thing she worried about, obsessed about, for the last 30 years, was her hair, Straightening it every morning, blow drying it, doing everything to it. She was like, “I don’t know how he could have known it, but here we have no time for that…”

This is an example of his intuitiveness. He will tell each person what they need. Or nothing at all. Or something entirely random… or what appears to be entirely random. Might have a real link to something he sees… or not. Again, very interesting and very draining all at once to watch the clinic. And for most people who understand what he ha actually TOLD us: I insult you not for you to take my personally – but it is just my technique to bring out the best in you.

I think he has said it several times already. When this sort of thing comes out – it makes me happy to hear. Anything he says to me; he’s just trying to get me to react to it for some calculated reason in his mind. This I know. He’s incredibly sharp and quick witted. And yes – he’s confident. But the arrogance people keep talking about outside of the yoga bubble as it were… it just doesn’t come off as arrogance to me in person. It comes off to me as cultured – as in, Boss is Indian. He has a lot of culture. Not only is he Indian, but he DID train with a guru, and he has accomplished a lot in his life. With all that he has done and everything that has changed for the better with his World contribution, there is no way anyone would not be confident. And he didn’t do it by being modest.

I respect all of it very much. I also have to add…… the entire time you’re around Bikram it’s like you’re laughing at him constantly. He’s HILARIOUS. It’s obvious he’s an entertainer, no doubt. It’s not like a comedian show – it’s much more flow than that. He does not have to prepare some 1-2 hour long “funny” show. He just does it naturally – moment by moment. And I’m not kidding – it’s not just a little funny. It’s PROFOUNDLY funny. I don’t think I’ve laughed so much in a couple of days time.

Take my absolute favorite comedian - and multiply the funny quotient by like 10 - and you've got a lecture with Bikram. I think that's a good way to view it too. When you go to a comedy show - do the people they pick on in the crowd cry and moan about it? No, because they know that it's just a part of the show. This is true for Boss. It's so clear he's into being an entertainer.

And while Bikram’s classes are demanding – Rajashree’s classes are too, but her corrections are sweeter, instead of insulting. Not that I mind insulting. ALTHOUGH I Will add, last night Bikram gave me a correction but it wasn’t mean at all. It was very matter of fact for me. I guess he didn’t need to be harsh on me… it was more like, “sweetheart… in the middle… push a little bit more! Yes! That’s it!” Like a regular teacher. I was like, “wow, he’s been a dick to these other people… that correction was very mild…” Maybe it was because I only needed mild. Who knows.

Needless to say – I had two moderate classes, and then yesterday evening’s class felt very… strong but I was losing power by the end. And the room finally felt “hot” to me. And then Bikram played his “favorite song” which has like 6 verses. Oh my. Another thing. Boss loves to sing. He will sing to us in class, in posture clinic, everywhere. This is endearing too. And he is definitely good. Sometimes though, it makes me feel like I’ve stepped out of LA and into old India itself. That’s powerful and amazing, I think. And when he is in a good mood – everything around him feels great. So far we have not pissed him off.

;)

The double yesterday was my very first split double, meaning – not back to back. It went pretty well. ;)
A bit easier if you ask me than back to backs – which are the only doubles I’ve ever done. Or something? I don’t know if it was easier. I just know my brain is on que with not worrying about doubles being a difficult thing. It just is, sort of deal.

Other than that – I’m just gunning to do half moon today. But we’ll see.

-Angela
angelak: (Goddess)
I know I said once a week - but for now I'll knock out entries when I can. Our first real day starts tomorrow. 8AM sign in - 8:30 class, I believe the 4:30 class is our evening class - and of course lecture and posture clinics all day tomorrow. I am ready to rock and roll. I have half moon and am ready to deliver it to Bikram and my 400 other yoga teacher trainees.

Today was definitely one of those days that I know I'll remember well.

Meeting Bikram was pretty cool. He lectured for an hour or so, had the room laughing constantly and amazingly made it deep in a way I'm not sure I can describe. I've heard a lot about how he's an asshole. I think out of context Bikram comes off very wrong. In context, he seems a lot different than all the negativity I've heard about him outside of the yoga bubble here. So far I really do adore him and Raj.

More exciting than the lecture was our first class today. I met up with Billy and Ray - Billy from Seattle, who is already a good friend of mine - to wait outside the Ballroom that is our giant hot room. Ray is Billy's roomie. And after peeing for what felt like 4 times, while waiting outside the damn hot room (I did not want to even WORRY about my bladder in class!!!) they let us in.

I made it to the front row, far left. My goal was to be in the front row, and I snagged it. I was next to Scotland Sarah now living in London - and super tall Steve who was about 6 foot 6 inches tall... we discussed prior to class how he thought it was best to stick out less by being in the front, because anywhere else in the hot room, he sticks out like a sore thumb. We will see who in this session Bikram dubs as "Lamp Post," one of his fav nicknames for tall people.

The class was different than any other hot yoga class I've ever taken in my 3 years. I will say this. An honor to practice yoga with 400 people. It's something you've never imagined before. And it's awesome. My class was neither strong nor weak. I was not phased by the heat today. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.

It was hot, I will say that - but our group did fantastic. Not that many people left the room, and Bikram was impressed by us. He did single out some people during class, but I was not one of them this time. *phew*! I guess standing series was like 65 minutes long though, and it's normally about what? 45? I forget. I just know it was about 15 minutes longer than normal standing series, and I frankly didn't notice. A lot of my yoga pals were mentioning it ... but today I was not struggling. I came to class very hydrated, but hadn't had maybe that much to eat. I had a mild headache beginning class but it pretty much vanished immediately. I was also hungry at the beginning of class and thought, "damnit... did I just undereat and fuck my first class?"

Nope. It worked out just fine. It was a hard class, but it was a good class. It was a moment in time where you know you'll just never forget it. Especially towards the end. I did notice some knee pain that is a kind of knee pain I've never ever had before. This made me be very careful and not push it for sure! I'm sure it's just temporary. I know my body pretty well - it has little to do with my patellar tendinitis issues.

It did amaze me though - that my final spine twist was really a shambles because of this knee thing! I could not get my knees, feet, and hands to touch in the same place on one side. Frustrating, because normally I can. My body must be different due to travel/thisisnothinglike practicing at home/goodness knows what. So I start fresh like I've never done yoga before, like I don't know what happened last year, yesterday, last week. That is how I am treating it from here - after... because really, until you've taken a Bikram class, it's true. Nothing does quite compare. And I say this in a good way - at least, well. For now. I'm not sure how I will feel after tomorrow doing 2 classes, but Raj is teaching tomorrow, and I have no doubt that it is going to be a wonderful way to wake up. Another first, of course.

She doesn't have a reputation for being quite so harsh on her students, but then again I can't know that ;) Anyway. Needless to say - my postures were alright (except triangle, where I wasn't really sure if Sarah would be okay with the fact that my leg stance is wide enough so that I *have* to put my feet on her mat to do the posture at all!?) And readjusting to carpet, as our studio has the other kind of floor... oh yeah, and my uber tight right hip. My right hip has been an issue for quite some time with the tightness. The left one has opened up in the last couple of months. Well - maybe righty will follow suit after a week of doubles? Maybe??

Dinner was Panera - then I stopped by Bed Bath and Beyond with Steve B. (Buchanan from Colorado) and we studied the Dialogue together. I have it down a little more pat than he does, but it felt great to help boost someone's progress prior to delivering it to Bikram. Normally we'd be back for lecture, starting at 9PM. You read that right, lecture BEGINS at 9pm, and often does not get out until after midnight. Sometimes after his lecture he insists on movie night (so that could be anywhere from 1AM-3AM). And then of course, Goooood morning, yoga people - class at 830, sign in at 8 - me and Karen are getting up tomorrow at 7. We'll see how that works as far as prepping our water, grabbing a quick pre-class bit of fuel. I think tomorrow AM I'd like a chocolate protein shake - with coconut milk. Super thick and creamy and yummy and perfect for a good light boost.

I feel good about the amount of groceries we have. Karen got a drying rack, and I bought a tea kettle for us. We're doing very well with the roomie alliance. Lots of sharing, lots of respecting each other's boundaries - it's just awesome. This is what my wish was for in a room mate. She was also impressed at how fast I was with my shower post-yoga class! By the time she got back to the room, I was already dressed after my shower. Bingo bango, wasting no time. Ahhh feels good after a shower and a class. A nice 2 hour long class......... jeez.

And like I said, I didn't really notice the class length or the holding in the poses, I was just so in the zone. A lot of other folks did......Sure it was hot, but I wasn't dying. I hydrated well. I didn't eat a lot, but I still ate. This sort of thing may have helped? Who knows. I guess some people left the room, but I was so much in the yoga zone I didn't notice. I had a good set of yogis and yoginis around me too.

"The reason you are having trouble with this class is because you have never really exercised before. You do what you think is exercise here in America - swimming, jogging, this and that, but if it were real exercise, this class would be a breeze for you!" -Bikram

;) A few closing comments.
How nice is it to leave and immediately shower.
How nice is it to have a 2 floor commute to the hot room?

Oh yeah. And how nice is it to go directly to the source of this Yoga? The only living person who got yoga from a guru directly still doing this for people? I'm telling you. I'm beginning to see there is no parallel for this investment. Priceless.
Just wow.

-Angela
angelak: (Palm Trees)
I’m flying over California right now. It’s been a bit of a head trip. Leavenworth was fun with Barry and Jim, but I was ready to get away from having a “guest” in my home and ready to get out of town. Was hard to say goodbye to Jim and really get all touchy feely with us distracted maybe a little, but the trip was really nice. I was very excited when Barry initially told us he would be in town months ago, and then I found out I was going to go to training and realized his original visit was going to land in the middle of training. I was so sad. Then when Jim spoke with Barry, he rescheduled it so I could see him just a little bit before I left! I was so excited. I love Barry. He’s a good guy, and we always have fun with him. It feels good to have gained family through Jim. Barry is interesting. Parts about him do drive me nuts (he’s a neat freak, my house is never neat). Parts about him are endearing. He’s always smiling and chuckling and he doesn’t mind our humor.
So, the reschedule and the day or so I really got to spend with the 2 of them together was great. The last night at home was rough. When we got home late evening, I finished my packing and immediately was feeling strange. First off, on the drive home I started feeling ucky. I didn’t particularly feel nervous… mostly just having PMS symptoms. Now, normally they’re mild. And I didn’t know they were PMS symptoms.
At home I was definitely ansty. Barry and Jim were content to just sit around after I finished packing. I couldn’t do that. My running shoes are in LA, and were last night too. I opted to throw my othodics in my regular tennis shoes and hit Gilman Blvd. Run away everything, right? That’s how I handle any situation where I’m going through stuff.

While it was risky – changing footwear for me with my previous knee/foot history is ballzy. I know that a lot of people wouldn’t quite understand this… but I was so desperate to run that I took the risk.
It had started raining when we got home, and so I ran in the rain and it was beautiful.
Had to keep it short; my tendons signaled to me that “hey, bitch. How are you going to change up your shoes on me?! We’re here and we don’t like it.” So I cut it short and just a few miles. I’d have loved to hit 5 miles – I could have ran forever to drown out the din of Angelica and my monkey brain. (Angelica is the bitch me who isn’t very compassionate or nice to me – remember the bully from Rugrats? I’ve named my mean me Angelica). I hate her.

So anyway, drowning out her annoyingness with a run helped. But I found I was still overtly emotional even when I got home. Was hard to express myself with Barry there, but finally Jim and I talked before bed. I felt ridiculous for the things I was focusing on, considering I know there are bigger concerns for me. But, I let them be. And now I feel clearer for it. Especially since immediately on the other side of the security, at the gate – I found out I’m on day 1 of my period. Then it all made sense.
Nina mentioned something I very much like the idea of:

“you can also look at it as a good luck sign: your pulling in all your goddess energy as you embark on this spiritual quest..”

I’ll take this one. I like it. I mean, I’ll be on the red wave for my first class – and you know what? That’s fine. I believe each thing happens for a reason, and I enjoy believing it is my feminine power preparing me for this. It’s 10:30 now, I have 1 hour until we land in Southern California – 7 minutes away from where I will be staying until late November. Life is pretty amazing. I can only look back on my dark times and be blown away by what cliff I am standing at now. It’s just amazing. I know I already said that… but words can’t describe it. There are people down there waiting for me, people who want to meet me, people who will love me upon my arrival. I get choked up fast.
And you know, take off was crazy. I do feel my emotions are under a thin veil, just below the surface… I was watching every second as we took off and tears were close! It was hard to say goodbye to Jim. It was surreal to say goodbye to my dogs. I didn’t feel like being uber choked up, but I really could not dally saying goodbye – I knew I would cry if I did. I didn’t even watch him drive away… I was distracted though by trying to check my bag… the whole ordeal, just a strange haze. Security went without a hitch, although these particular pants are kinda loose without a belt. I just can’t wait to have all of my belongings in my room, know who my room mate is, and then get with the yogasphere people. My personal Hogwarts. Heidi says Bikram is excited for this session. I hope he gives us everything that he thinks we need most! No matter what that is. I have faith in this, and I will trust in the process a thousand, one hundred, and eleven times over. Even this whole right near my flight gate flow – I am trusting in that too.

I do regret not spending an hour or so more one on one just sit tight and close to Jim time. But I guess that wasn’t where I was at. I did enjoy making him straighten the back of my hair with my hair straightener this morning! Haha. Oh boy, it was cute ;) I had this idea as I was doing my hair (yes I straightened my hair for this meeting of all my new friends occasion).
Jeez I wish I had someone who could get the back of my hair moment.. oh look, there’s my man! ;)

A very special one at that. I kinda get choked up when I think about how I already miss him and I’m only on the plane. Look, my eyes are shiny now! It’s not that I miss him in the now per se, but I know I’ll miss him to pieces… okay, maybe I miss him a little right now. Must not think about it though! I’m tearing up! See, thin veil. The emotions are pretty high. All kinds! This isn’t bad, I’m just unaccustomed to so much happening at the pivotal “emotional” part of my cycle maybe? I have no idea!!!!! It is what it is.

Ah there, See normal eye balls are back.
Needless to say… studying the dialogue seemed really hard to do… so I did what any crazy person would do. I paid for on flight wifi. And here I am.
Landing in less than an hour…

Until next time, folks. It’s about to get REAL.

-Angela
angelak: (Road Less Travelled)
I am within the last hour of my last day at work until after teacher training. Today has been pretty busy. A little surreal. Personal folders, personal folders, personal folders. Some other stuff, and then lunch out with the PWE ladies.
Heidi dropped by with all of my birthday/training goodies and the ACTUAL copy of her dialogue. I will treat it with utmost care and respect! It is amazing looking at her annotations… will I actually be annotating things that well? Holy crap.

I know my path is my path, but wow. Hers is amazing. She was so sweet! Some great energy bars she gave me, a couple of Bikram Yoga Renton shirts (which I love these shirts, honestly I just bought one more last week, so now I have 4 or 5 …..which makes me happy).

Can’t wait for training. Looking forward to Leavenworth, minus the fact the girl and boy (Fritz and Amber) are having digestive hell still. Hmmmm….

Just tying up loose ends. Cleaned my desk at work, turned off my auto-forward from desk phone to cell. Turned on out of office assistant. I’m ready. Ready, ready, ready. Just a little more time left. Feeling amazing. Immediately after work before I go home, I will be going to the store to buy yams. Cooking these up, feeding them to the boy and girl – and then heading out to Snohomish to drop off my car. I will be saying goodbye to Classy for over two months, and she will be hanging out in my parents’ driveway. Looking forward to stepping out of the office doors in less than an hour here.
I will miss my friends and very liked co workers.
But I am SO ECSTATIC to meet my new friends; my yoga family.
I have gotten a lot of questions about my plans. It’s exhausting telling the stories sometimes. “Are you going to do this full time” yada yada.

I’m just going with the flow, people. I can’t know what lies on the other side of training. I know I will at the least be doing part time teaching. And then I will go from there. Simple as that.
First things first: I need this personal journey and I look forward to focus 100% on me and the yoga. So? See you later, office. I’m off to go seize the day and feed my life with inspiration.

-Angela
angelak: (Hold My Hand)
Feeling a little weird today. Restless this whole week. Things definitely feel out of sorts. I don’t feel like cleaning my house anymore. That’s unusual for me, I know maybe it’s usual for some people – but not for me. I don’t feel like getting to my requests at work – but I’ve been doing it anyway. I’ve got to clean up stuff before I leave. I’m now sitting at 3 days, and I don’t know if my brain can handle this.
This morning was weird in and of itself. Went to take the dogs out on leash, half paranoid of the crap that would soon be shooting out of Fritz because the 2 dogs both have the runs for gods’knows’what reason… I’m very unhappy about this. I didn’t get around to getting a yam and feeding it to them yesterday… this better go away or Jim is going to have a rough time, especially considering we have a house guest. “Welcome to our house – oh yeah, the fact that the dog couldn’t make it down from floor #3 with his runs, we’re sorry for the shit smell.”

:(

I’m sure I was bound to get restless and start to feel a little crazy prior to this. I know I’ll be fine, that I’m “ready,” (who the fuck knows what ready is, you know?) How can anyone ever be ready for the unknown ;) The virgo side wants to take over and figure out reality before it even manifests itself. Maybe taking the time off from yoga was a bad idea… it usually mitigates my crazy. A good run maybe tonight and I can relax. I think it’s the only way I know how to relax: working out. Some folks need video games to zone out. Some people need recreational substance… some need a good book… (that works for me too, but that is besides the point). Me, I just need to move. Or, paradoxically, in yoga… not move. Or something.

Anyways, I was taking my dogs out and from around that same damn corner of the building near the alley (there’s always a blind spot around the end of the building) strolls a dog on a leash, but pulling his leash behind him. My dogs are doing their thing, I’m holding 2 leashes and juggling it as per usual morning business in our courtyard. Amber starts barking, but the other dog really only sees Fritz for some reason. Dog decides to start lunging towards Fritz with his hackles raised. I’m feeling ready to beat the shit out of the next dog that tries to bite mine. Because that cost us $600 last time, and is generally evil when regarding a dog in pain. Which was only 2 months ago. The owner is obviously from our building apologizes. As per usual – I’m a fucking space cadet and say “yeah no worries man.”

I guess we could say I’m still a little shell shocked from last time. Particularly that he just healed from that. High density housing is beginning to grate on me this morning. I hate your fucking huge SUV cars. Fuck your baby on board stickers. Screw your big burly dogs that like to use mine as beef jerky.
I can say we do have 2 very nice next door neighbors who never give us trouble. Mike and Christina are super Christian and have one very well behaved son. I really like their little family. Mike is as nice as I could wish for in a neighbor, and he resembles me in one quality: He’s VERY observant and nosy. I’m frankly wondering if they’ll think me and Jim split after I’m gone a few weeks ;)

The other neighbors are Hispanic and hardly ever talk to us but usually are full of smiles. They have 2 little girls and never give us any problems either.

I’m digressing.
Just not sure where my head is. Was kinda spacy feeling even last night at bowling. I think I got tired faster than usual. My reserve of bouncy energy was elsewhere. No big deal – I guess adrenaline runs high in the first week at TT.
Mildly tired of my co workers at the Quah assuming I can teach yoga here for a wellness event…
No, guys. No. Come to a Bikram studio, or no. I have chosen the Bikram path, and that path came with a 12 page contract about how I will use my certification. Therefore, no. Really, the Bikram path chose me. I understand there are other forms, and I’m not quite as cultlike as some regarding bashing other forms – I think all yoga has its value. But my path is this one. For whatever reason.
I guess I’d rather be off of work and not here dealing with… well, the same thing I’ve dealt with for 10 years. Reminding myself right now: I.Am.on.The.Threshold of renewed energy for life because I am literally walking out the door on Friday afternoon and not coming back for over two months. Impressive.

In other news, I need to lay off the Nutella. That’s probably not going to help my early training visual in the mirror if I should get lucky enough to be up front. Then again, I’m at a point: who the fuck cares anymore? I need a run bad. But right now I am just lounging back all dumb like in my office chair. I don’t feel like a yogini – I feel like a sloth like fool.
Barry comes in tonight. Well, at 3 PM…
I bet he will make me feel better. He’s just like Jim in the way that he is full of smiles and laughter and usually it’s a stress alleviator.

Anyways. Trying to remind myself it’s all about the entire journey. There’s no reason to get stressed about the experience itself, but I just feel like I’m in the tail end of gray area. That holding pattern that sort of circled me around for like 4 years… well, I’m getting instructions from ground control and they’re telling me when to land, and which run way to take. I’m in one part shock that I’m landing somewhere finally.

But it’s going to be straight to a roller coaster ride, or so I hear. *shrugs* Mantra for my future today: Don’t make it a big deal. Any of it. Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous child always making a huge deal over everything. Over thinking everything. Over everythinging. Also freaks me out that I’m young and have a myriad of blind spots… what stupid shit comes out of my mouth that I am too naive to know is telling in my life inexperience?

This is what goes through my head. But maybe I should try to STFU and let go and just let the next couple of days pass. I mean, after all. 3 days. I just want to be in LA already. I’m there. I’m at the point where I’m starting to get sick of waiting. I don’t care how little of dialogue I know. I’m tired of being distracted. Tired of not knowing what it’s going to be like being tired. Yes, read that one twice.

Staying power for patience is here. Actually I’m kinda lounging back and pretending that this is all bothering me. I love my freezing office here.

In other great news, I was able to craft my 5 gallon water filter with my Dad last night. It’s awesome. While I didn’t want to have to ship anything else, this is a must item. Rather than buy a small Brita filter pitcher… one of my fellow students created a bucket system where you use 3 filters in the bottom of a bucket and it filters three times as fast, more water. His was only a 2 gallon. Mine is actually bigger… but I will only need to fill my filter once every few days, so this might really be rad. Today I’ll FedEx it to the hotel and it will be waiting for me, just in time for Monday night. My roommate will either think I’m amazing, or crazy, as I’m using the bath-tub to fill up my 5 gallon bucket of filtered water.

One last thing… I’ll miss music while I’m away. I don’t think I will spend a lot of time with tunes. In my every day life, I listen to a lot of music……. Right now my new discovery: Ellie Goulding, “Lights.”

Unless of course I listen to it on Sunday runs, if I should decide to do that. Of course, Darci from Issaquah was mentioning maybe we’d do that together on Sundays. I’ve never had a real running partner… will I ditch my ipod and socialize for that? How does that work? :P
If I decide to still go for a run at all on Sundays. It might just be over my level of crazy. We’ll see. I’ll keep you all posted.

Oh, and to the fleas that my dogs picked up in the last 2 weeks. Fuck you. Fuck you for biting the hell out of me. I’ve treated them with FrontLine. Shouldn’t this end? I hate bites.
I think I just read some stuff on the TT FB page. This grey area may be entirely normal.
I’m already beginning to freeze at my desk. This is making me despise this place today.
But in other news: Life’s good. I’m stoked. I cannot wait for … well, all of it.

There's one thing about my blogging style. It expresses just how much I hate secrets and pretenses. You want real? I got it. I hope my fellow yogis and yoginis can handle my style of real.

Annnnd. My boss is nudging me for the personal folders copying. I'm sorry - I really just don't give a shit. I've been copying files for 3 months now. If I don't get to them all - guess what? I'm leaving anyway. Did I say that? O. I said that.

-Angela

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