It's been quite the day. Tension between me and Jim has me losing my mind, sometimes. I feel like in the evenings, when I expect we'll spend some quality time together and relax, we end up arguing lately. And arguing about the most ridiculous stuff. Is it me? It is him? Is it both of us? I wish I could pinpoint what is up. Sometimes, it seems that it's me. It's my patience, it's my level of annoyance at the way things are.
It's the housework, it's the way we communicate. Why are we both on the defense? The more defensive he gets, the less receptive I get. And yet I'm not exactly free of guilt from defensiveness. The big deal was that I had intended for Jim and I to really connect before I fly off to California. Particularly seeing as I'm about to see someone I have a bit of NRE with. Tonight he drives down to Portland after he gets off work. Apparently we will "see each other a bit," before he goes, but ultimately, I don't see that as the same as what we had an opportunity to do last night. We ended up going to bed in a state of irritation. Or was that just me?
The frustration continued as I headed off to work this morning. This morning, I really did feel like my heart was breaking. I have a lot of great stuff spinning around in my atmosphere, but with those shifting energies, comes transition. And that isn't always nice and pretty. I know he and I are morphing right now, and most likely into something better and stronger. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like that while I am in the midst of this.
Regardless, I'm heading out on a 5:35PM flight tomorrow to LA, and I'm going to chillax.
All my problems will be here for me when I return, I don't need to concern myself with solving them 920 miles away. ;)
And of course, because I may or may not have time to write these out, I'm going to do this today, right now - because it's important. The things I have such gratitude for:
+ My Lone Dachshund. (Fritz)
+ All the wonderful memories I share with Jim, and our ability to share every aspect of each other to each other.
+ All of the future memories I intend to be sharing with Jim also. I think it's time we did something special for each other soon. Very soon.
+ Abundance financially, enough to do what I want to do, more where that comes from!!!
+ Technology and the ability to connect with people all over, even if it isn't as good as face time.
+ My car and my skill to drive it so far ;)
+ The many friends who help me stay in vibration with moving forward with life <3
+ Traveling, keeping me fresh and energized
+ World friends, keeping my World bigger than the US.
+ New paths
+ Old friends, perspective, long conversations and warmth
+ Time off from work to live out other parts of life
+ Ambition, ideas, focus, drive, motivation
+ Raw foods, keeping me alive, alert, and enthusiastic and happy
+ Mental sanity. Depression is a short chapter in an otherwise bright book
+ My parents ;)
+ The comfort of my home
+ That it doesn't snow year round in Issaquah
+ That I can provide value to those around me
+ My outgoing nature - my ability to connect with those I know and strangers alike
+ My enjoyment of speaking in front of groups, and what I might one day do with this (It's powerful, I will be using this!!!)
+ PAINFREE KNEES!!!
+ My feet are headed towards the pain free arena next.
+ I am fit!!!
+ People love me
+ I love myself ;)
+ And aside from me, there are so many people in my life to love.
+ Green smoothies, raw pasta...