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angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
Friday. Took Benedryl. Half worried that when my real drugs wear off, that my allergic crap will come back. But we'll see. I can always use the Benedryl that keeps knocking me out - right??

Drinks with co workers tonight after work. Looking forward to it if my brain wasn't so addled. I am thinking maybe I will have a couple of drinks for once. I think I will invite Sean after all. Shrug.
We'll see. He, Sean, is off to see Man of Steel with his C.

So if he's free in time, I think I'll have him come along. Shake things up. I'm sure JF is curious to meet the "other" that she knows exists.

I miss Judy. I miss Judy a lot in this office.
Life moves on.

In other news, the weekend looks relatively clear, so that's good news.
Up and down goes my personal life. Mostly I think if I just keep being stubborn and working on myself, working on everything I want. Never give up.

Boring isn't better.
I need a damn nap though.
Jim invited me to see Man of Steel before I found out Sean was seeing it. STOKED> I think we might see it tonight.
Sean might come along too. I was excited that Jim invited me out to see a movie. It's the little things.

angelak: (Attitude)
I had almost written an awesome post about our wonderful trip to Texas... but then I didn't complete it. I should try, anyway.

I'd like to announce that the only posts I will ever re-post via facebook, will be my own.
No one worry for this. This includes comments as well.

I like this option... but I also like Facebook.
It is in turn what has sort of dwindled my REAL posts. Which is sad. I don't like this fact. But I've often wanted to repost certain things TO facebook.

Jim has just informed me our trip to PAX yielded a total of 9 free t shirts. I have a few. I gave him a few. I'll be sporting a new nerd wardrobe for the coming weeks. It's cool - my bigger sized body for the moment could use some looser clothes, if you get my drift. Might as well utilize some free t-shirts!
I'd love to write so much more about PAX. I better....

Let's see. This month has been a whirl wind so far. Our birthday party. PAX. I want to take my mom on a road trip to the ocean next weekend, and possibly look at Lab puppies. We're ready. I'm ready. Rufus is fresh in my heart, but I'm feeling my world is getting to the point where I am very excited about a new addition to our family.

Fritz has settled after the loss of my dear one. We're still sad often about his solid absence in our home. I can feel his spirit has mostly left the deeper corners of my space. It's hard. It still feels a little lighter in here. Emptier. Fritz fills us up so much with love, though. And he is definitely enough to fill up the home with exuberant adoration of us :)

As for PAX: Friday freaked me out. I suddenly realized it was all standing and with my new and very temporary Plantar Fasciitis, it seemed to be a bad idea. And I sort of froze up over the whole ordeal.
Left early, went to my chiropractor (had a really bad Friday prior to the chiro) and ended up getting treated for my feet and adjusted and then went off to meet Kelsi and Mel for dinner (a light salad which I only ate half of).

I then went to Kelsi's and hung out with the 2 of them. It has been a very long time. Mel got engaged a week or so ago. She's going to Mexico. I'm not excited about the funding for this, but I do want to be there.

All in all, Mel and I disconnected for a good several months. But it felt right to reconnect on Friday.
Which is interesting, given Mercury being in retrograde. But then...
I have other astrological ideas about that.

Needless to say, I woke up on Saturday with a Will to make PAX work. Feet and all. My feet felt immediately better after Brett's grastin technique. I went home and rested them. And then I resolved to sit as much as possible, ask for rest when I needed it from the crew rather than feel like a big pain in the ass, and just go with the flow instead of fightingfightingfighting.

This tactic worked 100%. I had a blast. We also got invited to TWO separate VIP parties post-PAX hours. Wow. I can't even tell you how surprised I was for this. The first one which was pretty ritzy with a full buffet and wine/beer table was hosted by game developer Trion Worlds, a new company celebrating the release of 2 very different titles: A new MMO called Rift and an RTS called End of Nations. We actually mingled with the 2 head producers of the RTS for quite some time. Very cool guys. I had to distinctly pretend to be a gamer though. This only happened because I was drinking a glass or two of wine and it felt right to try and give him feedback. I actually HAD played his game. I just gave up because it seemed to complex for my non-gaming mentality... (I'm really bad at playing games, I don't have very much practice. If it were a 4 mile run or pushups or yoga, then let's talk).

The second party was by EVE online. They rented out a bar and hosted free drinks until you either passed out or showed you were too stupid to competently order more. They also hired dancers and made a stipulation that anyone without tickets needed to come as a scantily clad vampire.

So, the dancers were pretty much strippers dancing the dirty dance.
I only had a few drinks, on my second one, I ran into an OTO/ATC guy. Jeff.
I recognized him and I think he recognized me. It felt good to know someone there from my outer-world. It made me consider being more active in my communities, for some reason.

I kept drinking and dancing and then introducing myself to random men. This is my forte. I just walk up to people and tell them who I am, and men always return in kind. I picked up a couple of dudes who thought I was pretty cool. Jim felt a little envious that I was able to get that much attention. He feels like only women can do that, and that it's all a gender thing or something. I seriously think it has to do with approach in some part, though. Act like you're open and don't really care what they think of you, and usually they'll open up too. Tell them about yourself. Then see what happens, and that's my method, even in a dance club. I only had a few drinks at the open bar. It was "Neighbor's" club rented out for the Private, VIP party. And the party was WILD and awesome.

I talked to "Dave," from Canada for a long, long time. Jim said Dave grooved on me. Well. I think I grooved on him equally as much. He's an Engineer. I've never attracted an Engineer before ;)
Usually I just fix their computers. Upgrade their AutoCAD...

Anywho. The night passed insanely fast. We went home and collapsed into bed. I woke up early enough Sunday to ask if we were heading out. We headed out a little less early but made it in around 10 anyway. (Which is when PAX starts every morning).

We were exhausted though! The rest of our friends were totally bull-dozed by the parties. Jim and I were just tired. They were hungover and sick!!! We were glad we didn't stay too long and also glad we didn't drink as much as they did. I was actually cut off after my 2nd drink, which was probably not necessarily when I *needed* to be cut off, but it served in my favor. Dave stole me a beer from the bar and brought it back to me. Not that I wanted beer, but I drank it anyway. Slowly. Because I figured if they cut me off, I was looking a little too party-esque.

;) Monday was relaxing. I hadn't done yoga all weekend, nasty!!! NO working out ! I turned into a lazy nerd?S?!?! with lots of free t shirts and no voice after the party. My voice is still not normal (it's almost 9 on Monday, so the last time I had a normal voice was probably like midnight Saturday).
Hoping another night's rest will have me back in the voice business for Tuesday morning work. Ugh!!!
Work. Tough pill to swallow.

Let's see what else? Hit the yoga studio at noon, read more. I've been reading TONS this weekend. I think I'm on my third long novel. I read in the Duke Nukem 3 line. I got to play DUKE NUKEM forever, got a Duke Nukem belt buckle which Jim has clearly already stolen............... dorkus.

I got it cuz I Facebooked about getting in after the 3 hour line wait (which we all 4 held shifts in, so we could explore the rest of the con while waiting.) That was Saturday morning. Fortunately, I was silent at yoga, spent most of the day alone. Didn't even talk to my dog that much. Okay, maybe some. Maybe more than I should have, I spoke to him. Whispering though.

Anyways, I'm breaking my LJ silence with this post. And also stating that we had a really good time, and we plan to go back next year. We've committed to making a bit more of a plan at which exhibits to hit ahead of time though.

angelak: (AngelaNov09)
Things have been going right along. Been working hard on not working as hard in life. We've gone through some tumultuous times here and there - yet it's clear that each situation gives way to much needed relationship weeding.

Have my new weight loss strategy:

1. Work out less
2. Eat more
3. Ditch the stress and worry as much as possible

I think it's working.

It's a little different than most people and their weight loss plans.
Been working them 8 hour days. It's beginning to feel regular - minus one thing. The most intense hours of boredom in the last 2 hrs of the day aren't there.

Will be trying to re-awaken my lunch hour dog walking, as the last couple of weeks they went by the wayside when Jimmers decided he wanted to wake up EARLIER to catch me on my around-noon lunch!!!!! Hah.

Read the book "My Stroke Of Insight," By Jill Bolte Taylor. Trying to use this to really re-shape my neurological thought patterns. I want to re-activate my old ways of coping with the World at large. It's clear that when my life hit the fan and my World shattered for a while, that I made brand new negative loops that are now the ones I automatically go to instead of what it was prior: a different loop that was less dramatic, less story-telling, less depressing.

My life theme for the moment is really about shutting my Left Brain down when I need to, and really giving way to the Right Brain sense of total peace and allowing.
It's OK to fluctuate. It's OK to accept where I am right here, right now. If I can really begin to kick a new set of circuits to come online with my brain, I think I'll be able to attain my hearts' desires instead of racing around chasing my fears and angers.

I am allowing license to let my negative loop speak here - as follows...
This doesn't address my current state of familial frustrations:

There are things that frustrate me about my family right now. I don't think they did anything different, but one day I woke up and felt different. Namely that Mom has been saying that the bro rift is just a little siblings rift or something. Down playing what to me is no little insignificant tift. It's truly a heart-breaking thing to me, because unlike anyone else in this World when I've been at ends with them, I have truly no way of getting a hold of him.

I cannot show up at his house.
I cannot call him, I did try with my last simple message on the phone line voicemail.
I cannot send email.
I will have to send some sort of hand-delivered note, via someone who isn't me.
I have not heard from him since that last screaming phone call over 7 months ago.

When my mother shrugged it off a little, I was deeply upset by this.
If it were her in my shoes, several months of no speaking after a screaming match would probably devastate her. I realize she has never had a great bond between her siblings, or if she did - I never witnessed it. Her comparison as to what it is (possibly) to me is weak at best. Maybe I don't know everything and I'm wrong, is why I insert possibly.
So, it makes me want to draw away.

My Left Brain screams, it says:
It's easy for you, mother - to keep seeing this woman for use of her gas and her company. This woman who has parted the seas of our once-drama free family.
It's easy for you, mother - when you can speak with this man. When you still see his smile, hear his voice, and he still tells you he loves you.
You aren't limited.

And yet no one else in this family has courage because they cater to the fear-mongering of Melissa. The fact I've been "cut off," in every possible form, only confirms the entire reason I sent the email in the first place.

There is a point where I have to let go with love of my brother.
There is a side of me that can't bear to hear all about James and his life right now. It's 7 months and I can feel in my heart that Christmas 2010 will come and he won't want to see me. He won't want to accept my love, and now begin to realize if someone doesn't want my love, doesn't want me in their life (James) - then they have made their choice. It is with Love that I bow out of this connection. Those who deserve my love, are the ones who accept it freely.

While this realization is probably the best for me, it's hard to let go with love when I feel the draining, sinking heart break of a woman who feels such enjoyment over crushing me, with no remorse so long as she has her power.

As Eckhart Tolle would say - I do my best a thousand times a month to let go of my pain-body and separate from that which is history, and that which is the Right brain, the here and now.
Right Now, Right Here.
I'm full of peace and whether or not my family is a part of my life, or not...
Life still is.
Trillions of cells make up a symphony of my Living sack of flesh that sustains my rental space for this experience we all call Life.

Whether my house burns down or someone plows into my car and wrecks it while it's parked on the street - I'm still here, living, breathing, and loving somebody.
If my family wants me, they can come find me. I'm on the internet, I live in a house that they all know the address to.

Tired of trying, driving, expending for the moment. All those Northern end beings are the ones my mother in particular makes effort to see. It's so easy when someone pays for her gas. It's so easy when it's only a 20 minute drive instead of 45. It's like some thing that middle aged Mothers think: All my kids must come SEE ME instead of the other way around. They'd so little as get off their lilly pads of their own homes to go to the homes of their children.

It happens with Heinz, with Jim, with my own mother, with tons of other people I know.
It's judging, it's not fair, it's probably wrong in so many ways to hold these kinds of expectations - particularly without clear communication. But... one morning I woke up and this was how I felt.

I can't deny it doesn't have to do with the company she keeps. I wish Grandma hadn't told the little stories about that guy I used to call my bro. He isn't my bro. He's some dude that could give a fuck about me and my life. He's that guy who would rather turn me away and let me cry for months on end with a dull ache of him in my heart. He's that man who once was my best friend - but that's fine. I have memories and I was lucky to spend the time I had with him.

Now I know he's in his own place of life now. That place doesn't include a loving little sister who has a knack for over-zealous feelings of protectiveness. It includes a wife that would run the show and is threatened by me.

It includes a man who took my concern differently than I could have imagined. Happy 30th Birthday, James. So far as I know - you've shown me that you aren't the man who would be here in an instant if I needed someone to help me in a crisis.

If I die before we speak again - I'm so sorry I sent a spousal-emotional-abuse awareness link to you. And yet........ I'm so glad too. It has shown me who you really are as you enter the gateway of the next decade of your life. I hope you have a wonderful family and a beautiful time. I'm just that woman who sent an awareness link and you vilified for it.

Letting go with Love the best and the only way I know how.

/end rant

Back to the mellow:
Went to the Mariner's game yesterday with Dave from Sultan. They were the ticket's Amy bought for him for his birthday. I could take a million minutes writing the circumstance.
Needless to say I got a free M's game in the Terrace club with a nice dude who happens to think highly of me. We spent hours chatting and drinking a few over priced beers, to witness a grand slam in the bottom of the 8th - and a nice closing 9th inning.

Been running, circuit training, and taking time off when I can.
Also went back to Yoga and survived. While I love the Yoga - I know it is not going to be my primary workout right now. I need it to stay loose in the legs and back mostly - and will be going when I can, but basing the bulk of my training around the old formula that took me to my dream bod.

And am really embracing accepting me RIGHT here. RIGHT now. Temporary, our whole entire life and the states that are within it.

Temporary are the people in lives, the bonds and love we share. When we let go with Love, we allow openings for people and places and things that have meaning that will contribute to our life experience.

Temporary are our pets, temporary are our levels of fitness, our body shape, size, mass and resilience.

No matter what we do, it is setting us up for what we will witness in the future. But the Now is bigger than that. The future is not tangible, touchable.
So - retraining my brain circuitry to really grasp that right now, it's all fine. Right now - I've got all I need to be happy.

I may begin scheduling whine minutes into my life so that my negative loops have a "place," and a "time," rather than letting it randomly poke its head up and ruin my night. I have written an AWESOME vision board, and am beginning to trust in the Flow of life.

I have goals and they look like this: )

And while it seems like there is a lot of crazy stuff going down ... there is.
And yet. It's a beautiful place to be right now. I'm really just on a journey right now to allow myself to follow this philosophy for a while:

We Have to Let Go of who we have Become, So That We Can Be Who We Are."

And Secondarily, a favorite mantra for the moment is,

I'm getting there! It's time to find the way.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
Ahhh, Yesterday was rather fun. I don't get out as much as I once did, which is funny because I just read kdana's post about how much she hangs out with big crews!
Anywho, it was Mikey (Aka Snowflake, or Blacky) who invited us to hang out with the ole military crowd in Lakewood area. We jumped on it very quickly.

After circuit training in the morning (squats, lunges, pushups, situps, military press, jumping jacks over and over anyone?) and generally sleeping in, showering, getting some jamba juice for the trip over...

Met at the old bar (Schooner's) and from there went to the bowling alley with Mikey. Had some food (my one outing of the week) and finally Ray Ray and his new gf came about, and then Ben (who for the longest time I only knew by his last name, Carter). Which eventually bothered him because I only referred to him as Carter because that was how I met him. Took me a good 2 years to start calling him Ben!

So, off we went to bowl. I suck really badly at bowling. ;) I tricked some people for a little while with that. First 4-5 frames looked like I was ACTUALLY a bowler, with strikes and spares. And then my actual game came out with the gutter balls and the shitty hits. ;)

After that, Ray Ray and his girl left. Mike, Ben, Jim, and I headed off to go back to Schooner's. We would have gone with Ray Ray, but an old flame of his is the night-bartender. Sucks, actually. Bella and Ray Ray were close friends, and then after coming back from his third tour (the reason we got together yesterday was because Ray Ray has been back from his 4th tour over seas - yes, you read that. 4 years in combat) - after he got back from tour #3, his friendship with Bella from the bar blossomed. And then things got messed up.

Very sad, because the Schooner bar is a very tight knit group, and the entire social schema sort of revolves around that place. Now Ray Ray isn't down with going there while Bella is on shift. (Blah).
Happy that Ray Ray has found someone he seems deeply involved with now - still bummed that in order to chill with him we have to find another Lakewood spot. I have to admit, I really like Bella. She's so sweet to me. I even endure her asking when me and Jim are going to get married ;) (because we've been together for a long time haven't you guys?) Etc.

Ahhh, Bella. My favorite bartender ever, actually. I love knowing the entire staff at Schooner's. It's beneficial to be best pals with 2 bouncers, and close with the night bartender. It felt weird to go in during the middle of the day to meet with Mikey and show up early, only to be seen by the day-staff who had no idea who I was and treated us like... well. Regular first time customers in their bar. Sort of one of those, "yo, what's up biatch? This is our bar!"

Okay, okay. But you get the picture. Anyways, after drinking about 1.5 more beers (piss beers) than I was intending for the night (I wanted to have just 1 beer, I think I had 2.5 total) and getting sleepy - also realizing I would be working on Monday morning, we finally left Schooner's at 12, and got home at 1. It just felt SO good to be with the old folks. There is such a brotherhood, and closeness, a connection they all share. And bi-proxy, as one of the main beloved brother's-'in-arms' long-time girl, I am indicted into this brotherhood by association. (It's never the full effect, obviously - but I'm still one of the crew.) I remember when I was first dating Jim how it felt to be in this group of people. The warmth and love they share is infectious. The acute early-days memories brings another associative fondness for me. This group of people brings alive the beginnings of my NRE, relationship days with Jim. We have stories. we have memories, and to feel that I belong anywhere is so incredibly powerful.

After 2 years of feeling out of place, depressed somewhat often over injury situations... of reverting to what is called the "inferior function" of my personality via the "Meyer's Briggs" test (yes, kdana mentioned it recently too!). Being with this group of people was like opening up and reminding my soul that I *do* have those connections. The kindred spirits and the fun. No need to be DOING anything beyond just hanging out and cracking stupid jokes. Laughing, smiling, drinking piss beer. (Very slowly, my 2.5 beers over like 4 hours!) Honestly, I think I'd rather have been drinking water, but that is okay. Overlooking that!

Definitely was a nice evening. I also was talking to Mike and Ray about how the old crew just doesn't hang out and do the level of things that we all used to do. Essentially, this made it easier to know that it does NOT have to do with living in the 'Quah verses having a household over in Lakewood/University Place. I think when the old apartment disbanded, that was the beginning of a much higher level of disparity in the "hang out," atmosphere. So much so - that at times I wish they hadn't disbanded. And yet, the next household they had was a house, with a couple of outsider type soldiers - and they seemed to be a little more obnoxious and little less in resonance with Mikey and Jim. Ray Ray gets along with all kinds of people - this includes complete idiots. I had the honor of meeting a couple of back-woods, deep south, deep midwest types that ended up in the house after the apartment scene. It was not inspiring. I could see how the era that was the apartment was definitely over, even though part of it felt like it was because Jim relocated. No, I think it was the mixture of people. Regardless, seems Mikey wants to make more summer plans, have some cook-outs like old times, and involve everyone a little more in events. I think the push to hang out last night sparked a lot of nostalgia and reminded everyone of how much they miss the comradery. And Bless Ray Ray for making it home again. I can only say that he is one of the sweetest guys I know, and I feel so fortunate to have seen him return 3 other times. Wow. There is a man who has paid his dues many times over. I spoke with him last night about his plans after this term is up. He plans to not re-sign his contract.

Although there is always that question in his mind about staying in. But I think after this last journey to Afghanistan... he said he's done with that shit.

Thank goodness...


How dare I

Jun. 4th, 2010 09:44 am
angelak: (874 B)
How dare I : Not post!!!

The weekend was pretty busy. Saturday I went to the barn to watch Jill compete in a horse jumping competition. That was entertaining, very rainy, and I was freezing my ass off because I hadn't spent a lot of time outside without actually... running.

Odd? :)

Sunday we cleaned the house because I had a tantrum about how messy everywhere it was. We did a pretty good job, although as always, I still see places I'd like to continue improving. Jim did a really good job, which is impressive.

Monday we had a small get together with most of Jim's new crowd. (New as in, the last 2 years).
This was entertaining, for sure!!! I invited one person. The one person who bought Stroh and insisted I take a shot to the party - AJ. This was a mistake. My plan was 2-3 beers and I was done. Stroh caused me to ignore the notion of beer limit. It ended poorly for me.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I worked.
Been avoiding Yoga for a while now. It's not that I intend to forever. (And I had just finished my 30 day challenge). It's that I am looking for cardio for torching the calories at the moment and really getting my opportunity to connect with running the past 2 weeks. It has been a great resource to open up my time, and also I feel like I might be making damage control progress, slowly but surely. We'll see how this goes, it's going to take another few weeks to be fully sure. Crossing my fingers, any movement downwards is where I want to go.

Today is not likely to be very productive as far as my work flow. I've got appointments all day. I should have requested today off from my boss. Damnit.

Been working 8 hour days all week instead of 10s. Hmm...
I have no huge plans for the weekend. To my knowledge. :)
Maybe work on the house a little more.

angelak: (Fog Camaro)
Friday has arrived. I'm not sure - but it feels pretty unimportant that it's "Friday."
But then again, I might not feel that way until after tomorrow ;)

Got a few things on my little work request list to do before end of day I suppose.
Drinking some zipfizz to stay with the game here, I'm not jumping for total motivational oomph here.
Learning to accept that either I'm out of whack hormonally - or I'm going to have to go operation *jump back down* and find a way to succeed towards my old weight goals.

The doc hasn't called yet, so whatever.

As far as everything else? Jim has tomorrow and the next day off, Sat/Sun, which is rare for sure. I am pretty spacy and unplanned. I guess I should hit up OLOTEAS and all that.

On my lunch hour I got some new larger running shorts (goody.) As for anything else? I am trying to motivate my brain/body to go for a post-work run this evening. That is a hard sell for some reason. Normally I'm wanting out to do my work out like every damn day of the week. Whatever. This is just a minor attitude problem due to the fluctuation - surely.

angelak: (AngelacrazyIcon)

The weekend was pretty eventful. Went out with Jim to the Olive Garden to celebrate Valentine's day. Enjoyed company with him on Sunday - but I feel like Monday was even better. We spent a long time chilling out and generally talking. He shared some funny stuff with me and vice versa. Stuff that normal people don't talk about. ;)

Been on a trend of thinking about life shifts this year. Career thoughts. Recently receiving a 5% raise doesn't help my case, though. I could go on and on about that - so I'll just say careers are frustrating! :P

First week of February began with an awesome bang of hitting every fitness benchmark I'd set for myself.
Second week of February was pretty lousy fitness wise. I had a few days off which - is not my usual. I ate poorly also.

This week is a new week. I'm going to hit some benchmarks and eat a little more wisely. Today I kicked that off with a lunchtime jaunt. 5 miles or something. I don't even know. It was 50 minutes.
I hear after 30 to 40 minutes of running you stop running off of carbohydrates in your system and switch to fat. Interesting :)

Jim wants to work out with me more. But then he looked far too comfy when I headed out to wake up. So I decided not to. Rest, rest, rest.

No idea what else to write so this will do it. I had to make a new post after my last one...

angelak: (AngelaNov09)
As January draws to a close, I can say I've had some progress in life. The first two weeks were memorable: mercury in retrograde - mars in retrograde. The New Year was particularly uneventful this year. First time since I've been an adult that I really had no plans.

I set up some goals and began working on them immediately. It had little to do with the New Year - but it coincided. Mercury went direct and things started to spin up quick. I took my self defense class and now have a set of skills I feel pretty comfortable with.

Last week sort of dragged out! lol. Still working hard. Notably, late last week I tested my knees by going for a walk straight out my doorstep; which is to say, a lot of slope. This was successful for me. That's notable. I've been really bad about chiropractic this month. Ever since the week of the 25th - in December, I've not stepped foot in my chiro's office. Although my back is feeling great, I'd like to get back in there. Tomorrow.

Last weekend I went to the Yoga party, which was fun.
I went out with Grandma and Mom, and then relaxed a lot with Jim on Sunday/Monday. I did a double yoga class on Monday which was good. I skipped Yoga Tuesday and went for a walk. Today I went for a 4.5 mile run on gravel. This was a test. I've stuck to pavement, gravel is a totally different thing for the knees. In case you were wondering. My knees feel a little differently sensitive - but the real test will be how it feels tomorrow after I rest for the evening. I also plan to hit the 1830 yoga class and then come home.

Jim has met a girl spontaneously. Met her at Denny's where his work crew hangs. He went to meet one of the guys, and another guy was there with his gf and gf's best friend (the girl Jim met, the best friend).

There might be a chance for a nice casual relationship in this. Here's to hoping! They are both interested and hit it off well - but neither of them have tons of time or inclination to be "serious," if you will.

We'll see where it goes :)
Looking forward to it.

In other news... just closing out some requests here at work trying to finally catch up.
Good news? I'm back in my size 7 pre-med leave jeans again at last. This is a relief. Now only 1 more size to be at my final goal. Weight wise I'm unsure atm, but I am happy to have more pairs of suitable comfy, fit-great jeans to wear. I can travel the rest of my shape shifting journey a little less poopy faced. My hips are returning to something I recognize again.

I am also enjoying more freedom with my knees. Still proceeding with caution - but this is just preventative to ensure I can still continue to heal more and more every month.

angelak: (ShadowFax)
It's Monday! I started out the day with the 6:15 Yoga class. I am very much liking the trip to Williams Ave, vs Burnnett - to the new studio. It is just that much easier for me to get there. Somehow just a block makes a huge difference when I am running behind!!! I think it has to do with not being on the same street as a huge transit center and 3 other lights.

Szoom! Straight into the 222 building.

The temperature still is sort of low; only 100 degrees in the hot room. This equates to what feels "cool," to me, now that I am accustomed to practicing at around 110-115 degrees. Yes, I sound ridiculous. Yes, I'm entirely serious. I get sort of crabby in Eagle pose when my legs and arms are sticking to the each other with the skin, and not sliding as easily (or at all!!!) as it's typical by that point in class for me to be pretty much soaked. :)

It's a little different as far as interaction with people. It's so large and everything is pretty spread out. Love the space though. The room is large enough so teachers have a microphone in class with speakers on the ceiling. A new twist to both students and teachers alike. This morning I had a pretty sad practice!! I just had zero focus, but I was glad to be there. I also was happy to be front row, in the corner with all the mirrors. Yeay for prime real estate ;)

Yesterday I ran 4 miles and wasn't sure if I would make it to the noon class, but I figured I'd listen to the voice in my head that said "YOU CAN!" I was running late and that's why I was hesitant. Happily, I made it there with plenty of time immediately following my run. Hips were a little tight, but I spose that's why the class kicks ass!
I am loving Triangle with the rubberized floor :P I can really get down into my hips and not worry so much about my feet sliding out. It also means I'll be really spoiled if I go to places with carpeting. Then again - it will be a huge benefit to be able to get in to the finer points of triangle, instead of constant focus on feet.

Last week was a lighter work out week, this week I intend to be on my mark with the work outs. If I feel like it, I'll CT later tonight. If I don't, I'll CT tomorrow AM. I'm trying to hit as many yoga classes as possible this week. I want to make sure all that hard work between November and December doesn't fade. 30 days straight is something not to be messed with ;)

With this sunshine, it's tempting to go for a short 2 miler or something, but I am enjoying that "DRY" feeling so much right now. Another feeling I am enjoying, is how pain free day to day life is. I am not 100% normal, but I am very nearly. I know my limitations, I know what things are risky for my body. But I walk my old pace again (faster) and I can get out of my car with no worries, off the toilet seat, go up stairs, even hop about sometimes. These are all things that I don't take for granted when I do them!!! I feel so blessed to be at this point in my recovery. And I am wholly accepting my current point of body image. I know it's a constant project, but I feel lighter about it all.

I can scarcely believe my Unarmed self defense class was only last weekend.
Sort of feels like eons ago. I had a lot of fun... I'm sad that my next similar experience will be in a few more weeks!! (End of February.)

Today I worked on a co workers home system for side work and earned $100. She insisted on paying me even though I was willing to do the work for free. This is what happens when you provide value to people. ;)
The $100 will cover most of my upcoming self defense course. It's with the UW Experimental school or something. I very much enjoyed the ex army ranger's class though! Combat mindset really is right up my ally.
There's an energy, and attitude that I can relate to.

Jim and I hung out last night and watched a movie. "The soloist."
That was peaceful. I love that guy!!! There's nothing exciting happening with us. But just don't get bored doing nothing with him - my favorite thing is to enjoy his great figure ;)
Eye candy. X1000.

Today, it took longer than anticipated to work on Gaila's 5 year old system (bleh). Lately I've been calling Jon to chill, thinkin he might be at his Bellevue apartment, but he's been up North!!! Damn! I'll probably meet up with him later today. Missing him a bit. Saw him Saturday briefly... was hoping we could kick it at his place.

He had to get his bed. Finally.
Other than that, I'm just chillaxin' on the last day of my weekend :)

angelak: (Eye)
Great day:
Got up, went to Snohomish to visit my parents.
Went with Mom to grab her food, ended up eating food after my coffee was jittering me out too much.
Also family drama mellowing.

I'd write more on that, but this is a quick update.
Went shopping at the dollar stores; I needed a dustpan and a new dog bowl.
Also stopped by Goodwills trying to find a coat rack. Struck out.
Had dinner, came home...
Saw Jim.
Circuit trained... will be heading to bed soon. Shower sounds nice.
A bit sleepy. Looking forward to yoga tomorrow.
And also a bit nervous! It's been 2 days. I normally don't take 2 consecutive days off.


angelak: (Glittery Lips)
Feeling pretty awesome again today. Came in to the office and have been catching up on email and the general "I've been out for a week or so," feeling. Oddly feeling energized about where I'm at for the moment. Much acceptance of what is happening to me right Now.

Been really getting into "The Power of Now," by Eckhart Tolle. Just like the "Personal Development for Smart people," book by Steve Pavlina, (weird, but now I'm actually friends with Steve Pavlina IRLish)...
The book is taking me a while to read. I have been finding that with information and transformational-type rich literature, I am in no rush to finish and I tend to absorb things pretty heavily.

Last night was a great night. I went to breakfast with Jim in the AM before he went to bed, I didn't go to Yoga like I thought I would - but I did meet Jon for coffee. We hung out for a while at the coffee shop where the barista dude apparently recognized me. (I GET THIS EVERYWHERE I GO). This guy apparently remembered me from Junior High - the 1 year he was at my junior high. It really threw me off, he used my first name and he actually asked Jon about me before I showed up. Weird. I didn't really remember this guy at all.......

People remember me. Even the people who don't know me, seriously.
After coffee we went for a nice long walk in Redmond and eventually got hungry, grabbed some food, and then headed back to 874.

Spent a great evening with the 2 guys while Jim played video games. Was very relaxing. Read the Eckhart Tolle book slowly. Trying to digest a lot of it, but it seems it is high lighting everything I seemed to have learned the hard way between April 2008-Present.

Ouch, it hurts my brain. Would I have accepted it the same way if I hadn't discovered this stuff on my own? Not sure. Irrelevance. It is timely to read this book because it is actually helping me see the light beyond the darkness that was the sadness of my brother being at odds with me. Not sure what's the deal over in his universe, but I know I'm going to live my life right Now. The hurt and the pain is just resistance to what Is. What Is, is. I'm workin hard at being Present to myself, and not so much using the feelings and emotion as a piece of my identity. My past and future have nothing to do with me right Now. As I sit here, right Now, I'm about ready to head out to take care of some work. Nothing feels bad about that. There are no problems in this present moment. Music, a warm building, sunlight shining through the windows, mountains and trees all around the surrounding areas. Looking back at what happened last week has no impact on what I am feeling in this acute moment. Every folly of a statement is what it is. Taking on the mistakes and trials as part of me is unnecessary... what is necessary is to try and take myself out of psychological time, and into "clock" time. Exploring what that means and how I can make it best work for my life. I think this sort of transformation in my own thinking may help me with my journey through 2010. I'll be doing a write up eventually of my most personal goals, hopefully when I get a spare moment today. But these goals will have no real pressure - because they will only happen in the Now. You cannot touch the future, you cannot be in the past. The past is a reflection of a prior Now. The future is an imagined Now.

Anyway, until next time.

angelak: (Roses)
Trying to regain a sense of myself today. Feeling like it’s all a bit off kilter again today. I haven’t gone to Yoga in a couple of days. 3 days, actually. And up until now, it has been a regular thing, 4-6 times a week. Trying to figure out what my “plan,” is. I’ve been working hard and feeling progress in the past couple of weeks. Last night when I undercut my calories for the morning/afternoon, I found a complete crash. Which then typically accounts for “eating without abandon,” sort of situations. That happened and that was okay. Anything was better than how I felt!

Right now I feel pretty “puffy.” We tried Tutta Bella last night instead of hanging out with some friends because, when I tried to drive to said location, I missed the 520 exit and when I began to suggest we had gone too far our solution was, “well if we hit Lynnwood we know we passed it.” By then I was pretty much in a state of mental meltdown. But I didn’t. Melt down. I worked through it relatively successfully.

Jim knew we both wanted to try Tutta Bella and he knew I was pretty bummed out about things in general. Some Grandma days are tough. The last 2 Grandma days, while fun on many levels, also made me somehow end up in a strange “beginning,” of my depressive cycle.

I had planned to go to a get together with some friends, prior. But then I didn’t see my mom for many weeks. So when she (out of the norm) invited me out on the Sunday morning (5ish AM-3-4PM usually) I figured I could still swing over to the friend-get together.

I ate too light during the day.
The day dragged on. I happily saw mom, but also felt weird after processing the whole, “look at how my Grandparents are now. Look how they’ve changed…” and a bunch of things I’d struggle to put into words.
Normally fine, I should have eaten. I figured I’d wait until we hit the “get together.”
Dumb idea.

Writing down the directions because I cannot find my GPS, we headed out. I felt reluctant, but I realized I really wanted to go on some level. We left, I felt pretty sharp. (Jagged sharp, not sharp as in – wit).
Missed exit, wasted gas, felt growing amounts of anger and frustration, and suddenly felt 100% overwhelmed notion of trying to pretend I was happy with my pals. The idea seemed like this huge thing that I suddenly could not deal with – right? So, I chose not to.

We went home. He insisted immediately to leave to Tutta Bella. I felt good. I had 2 glasses of wine because I was feeling pretty tense. Good idea annnd bad idea. I had a good time at the Italian restaurant and ordered a veggie calzone. Wanted dessert but Jimmy didn’t want dessert and so I let his response stand to the waitress even though I sort of wanted something.

Instead I went home and chose to eat ice cream.
Wine + Ice Cream + Sodiumy calzone = me feeling a bit. Gross.
Crashed early, at 9. Woke up 3 hours later at 12 feeling like an asshole.

Demanded water from Jim (he got it for me in what in my insane brain seemed like the dumbest, smallest glass ever). Usually don't ask for things to be brought to me, so this was definitely out of the norm! And no less, I was pissy in spite of him ACTUALLY getting me the water!!!!!

Tried to sleep more, was still thirsty.
Went to go fill my water filter and broke the glass when it fell over. By then I was feeling more SHARP annoyance. Turned into a momentary bitch until I went to sleep finally. He hung out and I laid awake feeling… impossibly irritated. Finally fell asleep and got some rest and didn’t feel evil anymore.

Woke up, wanted to hang out for a few minutes before I went to work. Felt like I’d lost ass progress over the weekend as my jeans were no longer fitting as loose (I’m guessing sodium fluid retention at this point). Somehow left in a huffy fashion to go to work on MONDAY, my usual scheduled day off.

EOC run through. Emergency operations stuff, for Pandemic exercises. This means I came in to ensure that when we get confused calls from our users about our run-through with the technology, I’m here to walk them through it.

Good news? I’m still going to work 4-10s, this week. I’ll take Friday instead of my usual Monday – snagged a 4 day weekend in the process. Maybe by then I’ll have lightened up. I feel bad and don’t know how to make it up to Jim that I’ve been so moody. Felt moody all weekend. Like my caloric needs are imbalanced. Or the foods I’m choosing. I’m sort of reeling to find a balance point. Where is that?

Anyway. Work still to be done.

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
I have really wanted to write an in depth post for a while.
But guess what? It hasn't been in the cards until today!

Shit, there is so much that has been happening to me and I'm so behind on the updates. The best I can do is write what I recall and that will have to be better than if I tried to remember what happened a year from now.

First off, been doing mild walks and going easy on my body this whole month, coupled with physical therapy sessions and the rest and drugs in late June. I tried Yoga once last week on Tuesday and quickly discerned that however loosening effects on my IT bands, the ½ a kneeling pose I exercised brought back a relapse of my tendon situation. (A VERY mild one, because I stopped the moment I felt something change in my body). That took 4 days to recover from, ½ a pose. This, I took as good news.

It means that in the next 3 months or so, I will NOT under any circumstances kneel. For any reason, in any capacity. Unless directed by my therapist, which I highly doubt will happen.
It was good for me to go and do this because now I don't have the “urge,” to go to Yoga. The following week, yesterday – was also a busy day.

A very good, busy day. I am on day 12 of my 30 day 5AM trial. My body is adjusting really well and I am enjoying it. So, in the morning on Monday I cleaned my living room 85%. I also (VERY CAUTIOUSLY) moved my couch to a different place, and shifted the weight rack with all my handweights to a different place. I'd like to eventually clear the clutter off the kennel and shift it to a different place in the living room because now it sits in a focal point of the room and that looks bad :P

I had 2 appointments after my house cleaning efforts, one after another.
8:30AM therapy appointment (end of the EAP sessions, start of my regular sessions if I continue to keep doing them for long). And immediately following that, I had a physical therapy session:
This session surprised me. First off, she massaged me as usual and it went really well.
Second off, she gave me more exercises (I am actually happy about that) these were BALL exercises. I need to inflate my ball today, lol.

And then, we were discussing what is acceptable exercise. CT is approved, with 1 lower body exercise only. I will only do things at this point approved by the therapist. She also said I could do some mild “jogging.” So, speed is out (I know that should be a no brainer, but it's hard to train my body to keep it easy when the only way I trained before was basically, top speed for how my body felt every day).

Under 3 miles etc.
Which honestly? Is pretty cool. So I think this week I will be able to start a mild fitness routine again combined with the new exercises and the old ones she has given me. It adds up to quite a bit of time, but I am looking forward to it. I think as a pre-curser reward for any other fitness activity, I will be requiring I complete the balancing act I hate so much before I can move on to the other stuff. To ensure I get it in no matter what, I work on that aspect because I don't really like doing it ;)

The other thing is that I will be focusing on not rushing with my speed when the time comes to go out and get beyond the walking pace. Slow is good. I really hate the term “jogger,” because I prefer “runner,” but – at this point I am going to emphasize to myself that slow is good while rehabbing. This is important.

So, today I woke up with sore IT bands from the massage – but almost no pain in the knees what so ever. I think for the first time in months, my body is finding its way through the healing maze. And this makes me a lot happier. No pushing it. I can handle waiting when I am actually seeing progress. It was just hard to wait when I felt no progress was happening.

Onwards in my path. I am very, very content with things. ON the damage control size/shape thing, I am already beginning to see results of 14 days very strict caloric intake management. (Veggies and fruits, vaggies and fruits, with a few meats thrown in a carbs only sparingly).

I can loosen up a little this week, and then go back for the follow 1-2 weeks with stricter numbers. I think by allowing the numbers to drift up 100-200 this week, it will be awesome.
ON another side note, I am so very happy and proud of my dear mother!
She has kicked past her weight loss plateau and currently at 117lbs lost.

117lbs!!!!! Gone! So happy about this progress. She has no idea how fit she is, either. I told her she walks fast these days. She said she didn't FEEL fast. I said: “when you can do stuff easily because your body has acquired the abilities to do it more efficiently without a high level of exertion,” this is what we call being fit. (My opinion.) Also, “the more arduous the task has to be for you to be challenged,” can also be added to that thought.

I liked how the words came out. So I kept them!

Anyways. I have been trying to write this blog post for way too long. And now I will post it and write a new one later if I get a chance and think of better flow for this. It has been broken up like crazy!

angelak: (AngelaSide08)
My weekend filled itself up as of today!
Holy smokes.

On the docket:
Saturday I meet with mom at 4:45 to take Gma to the Casino and shopping before the heat of the day when she seems to respond poorly and melt. Yes. This early. Mom wants her home by noon.
I also will be hitting an evening Yoga class (hopefully the 4:30) to fulfill my Yoga for the day.

I am doing the 30 day challenge for the month of June. This is my June gift to myself. I am hoping it will keep me positive and help facilitate more healing.

Sunday I am going to get up and make it to the 7:30AM Yoga class. If I don't, I risk missing a day and I refuse to this month. After that, Ren will hopefully come over and install our ceiling fan in our bedroom for us for a small fee. This is GOOD.
Sunday afternoon, around 1600, 4PM - I am going to celebrate Kelsi's 25th birthday at a cookout near her house at a park. I am looking forward to this.

This is why the early Yoga class is a must.

Monday I have more flexibility. Plans to meet with lazuli93 after 3 at Greenlake.
After that, I might just chill at home. I also want to clean my house perhaps this evening. Because I cannot live in the chaos another second.

I have no idea where the plans manifested, but I think it is good. Very, very good. These are things I've wanted to move on for a while, but knew it was not the time to force anything with. The people I associate with are busy, special folks. And not as in "dee-dee-deeee" special.

angelak: (Female Runner)
Been messing around with Sharepoint today. Okay.
So I know how to move about with it. I guess I better create a page for every department.
And then add a couple for my own personal joys.
End of next week's goal: Set up all departmental pages.
Create my own fitness page.
Play in fitness page and make myself like it.

Otherwise today has gone well.
Lunch hour treated me nicely with a run down Gilman and Front street.
Found a way to also whip together a tuna melt on lunch.
Now I have an hour left until I am free for three days.

The weekend is as planned:
Saturday morning early in the AM head out with Mom and Grandma to the Casino (Grandma loves gambling, loves getting out of the house). Try and leave in time to go to Mass.

TRY AND hit up SoulFood Books for Bone Poets. Wonder if I will see my lover?

Sunday take Mom out for lunch or dinner.

Monday I have plans with Jonnie to do a run.
I told him specifically my routine and that I'm cool with taking more walk breaks – but I will not push. I don't THINK we'll have an issue with pace. But I don't know what to expect with Jonnie. I've never run with him before. I've only run with Jim.

I feel like every time I try a running partner out, it's like dating for the first time.

Here's to hoping it goes well. I'd love an energetic and adorable running partner.
Jim is both, but he doesn't WANT to go with me that much. It's an exception, not the rule. Jonnie is different.

I do really like my solitude though.

I also put my foot down; I refuse to try new routes. Other routes have backfired on me with slope. Slope is the #1 bad aggravation on my tendons. (Sad, because I adore hill running, call me a fucking nutcase, but it FEELS.So.GOOD.)

And traaaail running annnd...
Anyways. I'll stick with what I can do.
Regardless – stoked to be alive and running and breathing. Today I was acutely aware of springtime beauty. And for a wintertime runner, it's amazing to jump back in and be in the vitality of spring in full swing.

Today a local old dude I was familiar with from my old neighborhood was rolling along on his motorized wheelchair. And he made my day, both times I ran by him he chanted encouragingly at me as I went by. How adorable and how motivating. I love elderfolks. And there have been a few who really made minor comments that spoke so much to me when I was out on runs.

Thanks old dudes! You rock.

Also on my run today I was acutely in contemplation of my instinctual gut being my running partner, and personal trainer. Push when my innate brain knows it is OK, and pull back the moment that tiny voice in my head whispers caution. And the idea and words, “Gut as my partner,” came to mind.

And I wanted to record it because I loved it.
Don't let the ego master your training, let your gut instincts pave the way.
I've had a lot of chances to understand my ego and how it can be good and bad.
My ego has been around with my running path. I was afraid to admit I was runner for about a year. I didn't want to be a poser. I didn't want to be a fake.

I wanted to have some training under my belt, before I even talked about it to anybody.
It was Mel – an old high school friend who called me a runner first. And when she bought me my first running jacket for Yule one year – it made me feel like I had to fulfill what she had said. And then one day I woke up and said, “damnit, I'm a runner!”

And it secrely gave me motivation that she had gotten me a piece of equipment as I saw it – instead of my boyfriend's old army warmups with his social on the waistband and random cotton t shirts.
My favorite wintertime outfit before this had been Jim's old army sweats and a Panasonic toughbook t shirt with a fleece coat over top of that. I ran in that outfit day after day (washing it constantly) through December 2006, January 2007, February 2007, March 2007... day in and out.

Digression: Ego.
My ego built when my abilities grew stronger than I knew were possible. I did this running thing as an “experiment.”

Everything I do is an experiment, until I build confidence. I keep my first trials of things quite private. Until they become full and huge facets of my life that I can't imagine living without.
IE- Yoga, Hiking, Running, Swimming, my food.

Anyways, with running my ego grew and as I developed a figure I'd never had as a young girl or adolescent, my ego grew. I'm not saying I was arrogant, but I think I can admit I was pretty pleased with myself. It was a strong and valuable force. At the same time I have a large ego, it's also somewhat small. I under-estimate my skill in most cases, and don't understand what I have until it gets seriously robbed from me. And then I'm heart broken at how much I didn't see.

I'm growing to realize that the ego can be helpful if only hanging out in the side lines. I am no better than anyone else, I am not more glamorous than anyone else, I struggle, fall, get up, and succeed just like everyone else. And that gives me solace. The Ego HAS been known to push me harder. When I see my goals closer and people that remind me of my goals, I push harder, I work stronger.

But as long as it is balanced with humility, appreciation, and understanding – ego cannot take over and ruin the beauty of what it is to be talented at anything.

angelak: (Default)
Blabbity blab Blab! )

angelak: (Angela Fritz Puppy Snuggly)
One more time around. )



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


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