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angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
Friday. Took Benedryl. Half worried that when my real drugs wear off, that my allergic crap will come back. But we'll see. I can always use the Benedryl that keeps knocking me out - right??

Drinks with co workers tonight after work. Looking forward to it if my brain wasn't so addled. I am thinking maybe I will have a couple of drinks for once. I think I will invite Sean after all. Shrug.
We'll see. He, Sean, is off to see Man of Steel with his C.

So if he's free in time, I think I'll have him come along. Shake things up. I'm sure JF is curious to meet the "other" that she knows exists.

I miss Judy. I miss Judy a lot in this office.
Life moves on.

In other news, the weekend looks relatively clear, so that's good news.
Up and down goes my personal life. Mostly I think if I just keep being stubborn and working on myself, working on everything I want. Never give up.

Boring isn't better.
I need a damn nap though.
Jim invited me to see Man of Steel before I found out Sean was seeing it. STOKED> I think we might see it tonight.
Sean might come along too. I was excited that Jim invited me out to see a movie. It's the little things.

-Angela
angelak: (Hold My Hand)
Feeling a little weird today. Restless this whole week. Things definitely feel out of sorts. I don’t feel like cleaning my house anymore. That’s unusual for me, I know maybe it’s usual for some people – but not for me. I don’t feel like getting to my requests at work – but I’ve been doing it anyway. I’ve got to clean up stuff before I leave. I’m now sitting at 3 days, and I don’t know if my brain can handle this.
This morning was weird in and of itself. Went to take the dogs out on leash, half paranoid of the crap that would soon be shooting out of Fritz because the 2 dogs both have the runs for gods’knows’what reason… I’m very unhappy about this. I didn’t get around to getting a yam and feeding it to them yesterday… this better go away or Jim is going to have a rough time, especially considering we have a house guest. “Welcome to our house – oh yeah, the fact that the dog couldn’t make it down from floor #3 with his runs, we’re sorry for the shit smell.”

:(

I’m sure I was bound to get restless and start to feel a little crazy prior to this. I know I’ll be fine, that I’m “ready,” (who the fuck knows what ready is, you know?) How can anyone ever be ready for the unknown ;) The virgo side wants to take over and figure out reality before it even manifests itself. Maybe taking the time off from yoga was a bad idea… it usually mitigates my crazy. A good run maybe tonight and I can relax. I think it’s the only way I know how to relax: working out. Some folks need video games to zone out. Some people need recreational substance… some need a good book… (that works for me too, but that is besides the point). Me, I just need to move. Or, paradoxically, in yoga… not move. Or something.

Anyways, I was taking my dogs out and from around that same damn corner of the building near the alley (there’s always a blind spot around the end of the building) strolls a dog on a leash, but pulling his leash behind him. My dogs are doing their thing, I’m holding 2 leashes and juggling it as per usual morning business in our courtyard. Amber starts barking, but the other dog really only sees Fritz for some reason. Dog decides to start lunging towards Fritz with his hackles raised. I’m feeling ready to beat the shit out of the next dog that tries to bite mine. Because that cost us $600 last time, and is generally evil when regarding a dog in pain. Which was only 2 months ago. The owner is obviously from our building apologizes. As per usual – I’m a fucking space cadet and say “yeah no worries man.”

I guess we could say I’m still a little shell shocked from last time. Particularly that he just healed from that. High density housing is beginning to grate on me this morning. I hate your fucking huge SUV cars. Fuck your baby on board stickers. Screw your big burly dogs that like to use mine as beef jerky.
I can say we do have 2 very nice next door neighbors who never give us trouble. Mike and Christina are super Christian and have one very well behaved son. I really like their little family. Mike is as nice as I could wish for in a neighbor, and he resembles me in one quality: He’s VERY observant and nosy. I’m frankly wondering if they’ll think me and Jim split after I’m gone a few weeks ;)

The other neighbors are Hispanic and hardly ever talk to us but usually are full of smiles. They have 2 little girls and never give us any problems either.

I’m digressing.
Just not sure where my head is. Was kinda spacy feeling even last night at bowling. I think I got tired faster than usual. My reserve of bouncy energy was elsewhere. No big deal – I guess adrenaline runs high in the first week at TT.
Mildly tired of my co workers at the Quah assuming I can teach yoga here for a wellness event…
No, guys. No. Come to a Bikram studio, or no. I have chosen the Bikram path, and that path came with a 12 page contract about how I will use my certification. Therefore, no. Really, the Bikram path chose me. I understand there are other forms, and I’m not quite as cultlike as some regarding bashing other forms – I think all yoga has its value. But my path is this one. For whatever reason.
I guess I’d rather be off of work and not here dealing with… well, the same thing I’ve dealt with for 10 years. Reminding myself right now: I.Am.on.The.Threshold of renewed energy for life because I am literally walking out the door on Friday afternoon and not coming back for over two months. Impressive.

In other news, I need to lay off the Nutella. That’s probably not going to help my early training visual in the mirror if I should get lucky enough to be up front. Then again, I’m at a point: who the fuck cares anymore? I need a run bad. But right now I am just lounging back all dumb like in my office chair. I don’t feel like a yogini – I feel like a sloth like fool.
Barry comes in tonight. Well, at 3 PM…
I bet he will make me feel better. He’s just like Jim in the way that he is full of smiles and laughter and usually it’s a stress alleviator.

Anyways. Trying to remind myself it’s all about the entire journey. There’s no reason to get stressed about the experience itself, but I just feel like I’m in the tail end of gray area. That holding pattern that sort of circled me around for like 4 years… well, I’m getting instructions from ground control and they’re telling me when to land, and which run way to take. I’m in one part shock that I’m landing somewhere finally.

But it’s going to be straight to a roller coaster ride, or so I hear. *shrugs* Mantra for my future today: Don’t make it a big deal. Any of it. Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous child always making a huge deal over everything. Over thinking everything. Over everythinging. Also freaks me out that I’m young and have a myriad of blind spots… what stupid shit comes out of my mouth that I am too naive to know is telling in my life inexperience?

This is what goes through my head. But maybe I should try to STFU and let go and just let the next couple of days pass. I mean, after all. 3 days. I just want to be in LA already. I’m there. I’m at the point where I’m starting to get sick of waiting. I don’t care how little of dialogue I know. I’m tired of being distracted. Tired of not knowing what it’s going to be like being tired. Yes, read that one twice.

Staying power for patience is here. Actually I’m kinda lounging back and pretending that this is all bothering me. I love my freezing office here.

In other great news, I was able to craft my 5 gallon water filter with my Dad last night. It’s awesome. While I didn’t want to have to ship anything else, this is a must item. Rather than buy a small Brita filter pitcher… one of my fellow students created a bucket system where you use 3 filters in the bottom of a bucket and it filters three times as fast, more water. His was only a 2 gallon. Mine is actually bigger… but I will only need to fill my filter once every few days, so this might really be rad. Today I’ll FedEx it to the hotel and it will be waiting for me, just in time for Monday night. My roommate will either think I’m amazing, or crazy, as I’m using the bath-tub to fill up my 5 gallon bucket of filtered water.

One last thing… I’ll miss music while I’m away. I don’t think I will spend a lot of time with tunes. In my every day life, I listen to a lot of music……. Right now my new discovery: Ellie Goulding, “Lights.”

Unless of course I listen to it on Sunday runs, if I should decide to do that. Of course, Darci from Issaquah was mentioning maybe we’d do that together on Sundays. I’ve never had a real running partner… will I ditch my ipod and socialize for that? How does that work? :P
If I decide to still go for a run at all on Sundays. It might just be over my level of crazy. We’ll see. I’ll keep you all posted.

Oh, and to the fleas that my dogs picked up in the last 2 weeks. Fuck you. Fuck you for biting the hell out of me. I’ve treated them with FrontLine. Shouldn’t this end? I hate bites.
I think I just read some stuff on the TT FB page. This grey area may be entirely normal.
I’m already beginning to freeze at my desk. This is making me despise this place today.
But in other news: Life’s good. I’m stoked. I cannot wait for … well, all of it.

There's one thing about my blogging style. It expresses just how much I hate secrets and pretenses. You want real? I got it. I hope my fellow yogis and yoginis can handle my style of real.

Annnnd. My boss is nudging me for the personal folders copying. I'm sorry - I really just don't give a shit. I've been copying files for 3 months now. If I don't get to them all - guess what? I'm leaving anyway. Did I say that? O. I said that.

-Angela
angelak: (Attitude)
Okay, okay. Warning. This is a girlie type post. If you don't groove on that - feel free to skip it. But, let's face it. I'm female, people. Don't you forget it! Here goes:

Just livin' the good life.
I had taken 5 days off from yoga last week - and essentially not gone for what seemed like an entire week?
Was an odd sensation to go back. The Yoga itself felt normal. It seemed pretty easy to get back into the flow - minus a couple of light headed spells (not surprised).

It was more or less the showers/locker room afterward. I felt kind of emotionally off anyway after the class (probably knocked loose some energetic crud) and it seemed Mala and Michelle wanted to talk to me during my shower. I could barely stay present in my own mind let alone respond to these ladies. (This was also after a 10 minute Savasana. I probably should have waited another 5-10 minutes, hindsight tells me.)

Michelle is Grant's chica. Grant is a pal of mine. Grant has also asked me out. But for all intents and purposes, I have not gone through with anything mostly because his policy is, "Michelle knows I am single. That's why my facebook says single, doncha know?" It seems that Grant's "communication" is surrounded with evasive techniques, rather than full disclosure, which is what I pretty much require in a potential dating partner.

And while Michelle is very nice to me most of the time - she seems to have her bitch-dar on a small portion of the time (I can feel it). She sees me as a potential threat. Perhaps according to her reality, I am. I'm not touching that situation with an 80 foot pole. Well, today she seemed to come sauntering in to the showers, in her best "Look, I'm hot. I'm sexy. I'm the sexiest here," walk. I wasn't exactly feeling great physically yesterday. In fact, read: gut ache all day. I am not at all feeling hot. I'm not feeling sexy. I'm actually feeling, in the showers at that moment - a bit of the, "are my legs REALLY this thick compared to the rest of the female yoga population!??!??!" moment.

This is when Michelle asks in a regular tone, "so, did you just stop coming?"
And I was like, "What?" "or were you just picking different times lately?"

Look, people. I didn't go to class for 5 or 6 classes. I understand for a year and a half, I've been the 4-6 times a week girl. But goddamnit, sometimes life happens. Sometimes you just need a mental fucking break... right?!?

Right.

I shake my head for a second and go, "no, I was just busy last week."
Where in, Mala comes in. Mala is the sweetest woman ever, by the way. Somehow, at my studio people know me. I mean - they really like me. Most of them. I think it's because I'm nice, blahbalbhaab.
Sometimes this can backfire when your brain is toast.

I had been wanting to go to teacher training for a while. But, life may not have that in the plans for the immediate future. In fact, I don't really know. If I did - I would have to find a good solid 11k lying around, take a leave of absence at this point, and pay for bills for 9 weeks without income.

Seeing as I've had a lot of career "what the hell am I doing," ness going around since like, 2 years ago - and really only recently have I found some personal direction... I could barely get the words out, in the quietest tone I am sure anyone has ever heard come out of my mouth, "I don't know."

And I left the shower bay as quickly as I could without getting dizzy and falling over. Yes - it was that kind of moment. I wanted out, out, out - away from people, away from questions, away from tiny thighed twig women. Look - I know I'm pretty good lookin'. I'm not over the moon about how "hot," and "sexy," I am, but I know I'm not less than a 6 or 7. That's fine. But some days you just feel like a giant walrus. No matter what your actual size is. I think part of this is my period was approaching AND I was sick.

Suffice to say - I almost left my yoga clothes on the floor in the yoga room (would have pissed me off). But Michelle helped me not forget it. She was being her very nice self as usual. She is really nice most of the time. But there is miss-I-can-become-a-crazy-bitch lurking underneath that. I know people well enough to spot these sort of folks. They're regular people. Don't get me wrong...

Anyway. I also couldn't help but shake my head thinking, "Michelle has had 2 kids. How does she rate to look like that after physiological mutilation?" Okay, okay. Melodramatic, I know. Not everyone is going to become crazy stretched out and not drop their baby-fat.

:)

Kids don't equate to ugly unsexy woman. Not remotely. Logic knows this. But my thigh envy side doesn't.
;) I also have to remember that I am probably 4-5 inches taller than most of these tiny yoga people. Whatever. IT was also Asian night at the studio. Asians tend to make me feel like a giant. My bone structure compared to these 5 foot tall, rail boards... is substantial. This is what makes me, me. Unbreakable.

-Angela
angelak: (Net for porn)


[Poll #841226]

-Angela
angelak: (2 Dogs)
Here I am on a Wednesday night.
My routine has been jossled.

I took 2 sick days cause I felt crappy-ish.
Usually I would have stuck it out and went to work anyway. Something told me not to.

Whatever. Feeling some cabin fever from today anyway.
Hung out with the fella yesterday.
Now that my boss has indeed went home, I can leave my house.
Not that I wasn't blah today.

But now I feel just fine and it looks tacky to call in and then be out and about in the evening, no?

I've lost precious updating time and my brain is mush. What to do?

*sighs* I better go out and have a good evening, or else!

-Angela

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