Okay, okay. Warning. This is a girlie type post. If you don't groove on that - feel free to skip it. But, let's face it. I'm female, people. Don't you forget it! Here goes:
Just livin' the good life.
I had taken 5 days off from yoga last week - and essentially not gone for what seemed like an entire week?
Was an odd sensation to go back. The Yoga itself felt normal. It seemed pretty easy to get back into the flow - minus a couple of light headed spells (not surprised).
It was more or less the showers/locker room afterward. I felt kind of emotionally off anyway after the class (probably knocked loose some energetic crud) and it seemed Mala and Michelle wanted to talk to me during my shower. I could barely stay present in my own mind let alone respond to these ladies. (This was also after a 10 minute Savasana. I probably should have waited another 5-10 minutes, hindsight tells me.)
Michelle is Grant's chica. Grant is a pal of mine. Grant has also asked me out. But for all intents and purposes, I have not gone through with anything mostly because his policy is, "Michelle knows I am single. That's why my facebook says single, doncha know?" It seems that Grant's "communication" is surrounded with evasive techniques, rather than full disclosure, which is what I pretty much require in a potential dating partner.
And while Michelle is very nice to me most of the time - she seems to have her bitch-dar on a small portion of the time (I can feel it). She sees me as a potential threat. Perhaps according to her reality, I am. I'm not touching that situation with an 80 foot pole. Well, today she seemed to come sauntering in to the showers, in her best "Look, I'm hot. I'm sexy. I'm the sexiest here," walk. I wasn't exactly feeling great physically yesterday. In fact, read: gut ache all day. I am not at all feeling hot. I'm not feeling sexy. I'm actually feeling, in the showers at that moment - a bit of the, "are my legs REALLY this thick compared to the rest of the female yoga population!??!??!" moment.
This is when Michelle asks in a regular tone, "so, did you just stop coming?"
And I was like, "What?" "or were you just picking different times lately?"
Look, people. I didn't go to class for 5 or 6 classes. I understand for a year and a half, I've been the 4-6 times a week girl. But goddamnit, sometimes life happens. Sometimes you just need a mental fucking break... right?!?
I shake my head for a second and go, "no, I was just busy last week."
Where in, Mala comes in. Mala is the sweetest woman ever, by the way. Somehow, at my studio people know me. I mean - they really like me. Most of them. I think it's because I'm nice, blahbalbhaab.
Sometimes this can backfire when your brain is toast.
I had been wanting to go to teacher training for a while. But, life may not have that in the plans for the immediate future. In fact, I don't really know. If I did - I would have to find a good solid 11k lying around, take a leave of absence at this point, and pay for bills for 9 weeks without income.
Seeing as I've had a lot of career "what the hell am I doing," ness going around since like, 2 years ago - and really only recently have I found some personal direction... I could barely get the words out, in the quietest tone I am sure anyone has ever heard come out of my mouth, "I don't know."
And I left the shower bay as quickly as I could without getting dizzy and falling over. Yes - it was that kind of moment. I wanted out, out, out - away from people, away from questions, away from tiny thighed twig women. Look - I know I'm pretty good lookin'. I'm not over the moon about how "hot," and "sexy," I am, but I know I'm not less than a 6 or 7. That's fine. But some days you just feel like a giant walrus. No matter what your actual size is. I think part of this is my period was approaching AND I was sick.
Suffice to say - I almost left my yoga clothes on the floor in the yoga room (would have pissed me off). But Michelle helped me not forget it. She was being her very nice self as usual. She is really nice most of the time. But there is miss-I-can-become-a-crazy-bitch lurking underneath that. I know people well enough to spot these sort of folks. They're regular people. Don't get me wrong...
Anyway. I also couldn't help but shake my head thinking, "Michelle has had 2 kids. How does she rate to look like that after physiological mutilation?" Okay, okay. Melodramatic, I know. Not everyone is going to become crazy stretched out and not drop their baby-fat.
Kids don't equate to ugly unsexy woman. Not remotely. Logic knows this. But my thigh envy side doesn't.
;) I also have to remember that I am probably 4-5 inches taller than most of these tiny yoga people. Whatever. IT was also Asian night at the studio. Asians tend to make me feel like a giant. My bone structure compared to these 5 foot tall, rail boards... is substantial. This is what makes me, me. Unbreakable.