Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
angelak: (Default)
Hello, Again Real World (IE, NOT FACEBOOKERS).
It’s time to talk more about things that don’t relate to work; but are much more possible because my work situation isn’t draining me. So here goes:
After being on starve diet since RadCon (we have done it annually for 3 years, I guess). And have decided that next Radcon we’re NOT doing it! But I digress.

I’m ready to get back to fitness. I was on a really great running with a small amount of yoga trend in January, but had to back off because it isn’t possible to work out on the HCG diet. It’s not.
I’ve not quite locked in a final number for the HCG diet; but at the very least I think I expedited my overall size shifting to closer to where I’m trying to be. It’s an ongoing journey for me and very much one of my major goals all the time.

A couple of years ago I wanted to go for a 10K distance in my personal goals, but after a couple of months in, almost broke up with Jim and then it stopped. It was like, that one day I didn’t get to go on that run, I stopped. I didn’t keep going.

And I didn’t really look back unfortunately. And then the job turbulence sort of started; so I was sunk on that. I did some yoga here and there and managed to stay somewhat fit; but it wasn’t my 10K benchmark. I have decided it is TIME TO GO AFTER IT! Yesssss.
I’m 12 weeks away and I am going to do it. As I said, in January I had a great consistent gym situation. I have morton’s neuroma from the last quarter in 2015 that has been healing on my left foot predominantly, but fortunately I am healed enough as of January this year to get back into running, provided one specific thing:
It’s on a treadmill and not outside. Now, that normally would upset me. But lately I’m ok with that!
It will do AMAZING for this plan I’ve found. VERY excited. I actually start it today. 3 days a week (DOABLE! Leaves room for 2 other things on my list – YOGA, and a hopefully an adult hip hop class, on top of Ignition practice.)
So you see, I’ve got some off work goals!!!!

Today starts week 1 of the 10K program. I figure it’s ok to start slower than I need because I have a terrible habit of going too much too hard too fast too soon on any of these things. My brain is FAR too committed and goes more than my body would prefer. Thanks, Type A attitude! UGH.
SO, I’ve decided while the slower approach is less than I was doing in January, it’s going to be perfect to self limit my body and keep me working up to it in a safe fashion. Way to be mature, Angela! Woohoo!

It’s also good for my foot healing. So I understand. ALSO, patience is a virtue. I’d love to just ease in and not force shit. I know it’s the Way. The Way to success!!! Yessss!

SO, Today is day 1 of week 1. VERY HAPPY.
The overall plan is going to look like this weekly (with adjustments depending on life, rescheduling, rather than bailing).

Sunday: Long Runs
Monday: Yoga after work
Tuesday: Hip Hop class (once I get registered! To be continued…)
Wednesday: Regular Run
Thursday: Ignition practice
Friday: Regular Run or off
Saturday: Regular Run of off

I’m a member of 24 hour fitness, and wonder if I should switch to Gold’s because there is one in my office building and also gyms in Issaquah and Redmond, but I haven’t made that jump. It’d be way easy to do lunchtime runs any day of the week including those that there are other things happening on. Unfortunately I’m not a morning person, I’ve done it off and on over the years with limited success. I can do it, but I usually just love sleeping. It’s true. I’m a sleeper.

As for hip hop classes: Ignition has been going through some crazy times as of late. I’ll elaborate eventually, needless to say I’m not on the “bailing towel thrown” camp, since there are 2 camps right now. We had a successful, energizing, focused practice last week without the folks who have “stepped down, kinda”

More on that in future posts. That said, I’m looking to level up on performing and dancing. So what can I do? Take a class. We’ll see. Jim is interested!!! That’s amazing. And Sean is likely interested also. So we’ll see. I’d like it because it would afford me and Jim something to DO together that isn’t at home and also level up our time spent together, as it is – the way our schedules have been have been have meant a lot less than other times in our life. It was OK when he was head deep in college, but I think now that he’s done with that program, he’s sort of seeing a gap in his life and noticing it more. It is possible he’s interested in joining the safety team for Ignition, we’ll see. I’m encouraging him to get out and be focused on something other than video games (and working on his work with video games) and such. He had a bad run of a new girlfriend who sorta crushed him recently and he realizes maybe there’s some other place to put his energy. I’d love to see that.
Aside from that, there’s a little snippet of the “other” stuff!

-Angela
angelak: (Alone)
Teacher Training Memoire )
-Angela
angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

Quick 2012 RunDown. )

BOOM.
2013 arrives.

-Angela

What's New

Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela
angelak: (874)
My run schedule is working beautifully. My stamina is coming back quickly after taking a short spell off due to hamstring paranoia. Hamstring is healing beautifully also. I switched Yoga with a Run because I could not Run yesterday, and that is fine.

IT FEELS SO GOOD.

I feel great. I am going to do this. The mileage is my commitment, I want to advance beyond the 3-5 mile range. I have stayed there for a few years and I am really looking to see what I can do. So right now, I am going to build my base up all over again, trust in myself, and once the consistency sets in and I feel like my entire body has become acclimated enough (particularly the soft tissues and tendons) - then I will begin adding more than 5 miles in. I am so excited for this notion.

I will continue doing yoga alongside this - it is good for both performance, maintenance, and of course, who can live without YOGA?!!??!

But putting running into the forefront of my workout routine again (feels blissful, for one) and for two, it also opens up more time in my life for the rest of the stuff that is important to me. Men. Studying Deacon role. My dogs. My house, making it better. My family. All of those things need time, and with the Issaquah job and the teaching, I need to pack more stuff in shorter amounts of time. Perhaps one day Rite of Sol (even if I am just a crew member, I don't care!!! I'm going to be involved if they'll have me! Mop the floors. Wipe the ass of the crew. Doesn't matter). The ideal, I think - is if they would use me for pretty movement pieces. But who knows! I just want to be a part of it, and have since the very beginning (Rite of Luna). I just wasn't able to prior. Felt like the universe was standing in my way. Now I wish I had.

All good. Whatever the case, my friends are talented - and I am proud of both Melissa and Jon for being a driving force behind some truly amazing rock operas.
It really does blow my mind.

And of course, everyone else involved.

Tonight, Jim and I got many things accomplished. First, we went to the dealership to tie up some loose ends. They had my new plates, got them, and a check reimbursing some of my registration. Yippee!!! A check. And then I whined about the tinting appointment. They agreed to get it in tomorrow. And then we whined about how the oil change people decided they weren't willing to honor my car. Soooo........ Jim bitched more, because they were only going to reimburse me $151 for it, he convinced them to write me a $200 check to cover a full year's oil changes. This is coming to me tomorrow when I drop Sunshine off to get her shades on. ;)

I hope this looks good, and not gaudy. We'll see. And after tomorrow I can pick my nose in my car all I want again. I was really missing that feature of Classy. Just kidding. hehehehe.

Oh yeah. Then we went and had chickenwings at WingDome. We tried to find the pizza place that we had our first date at (it was the only thing open after Jim's Gamestop shift the night we met up). I think it finally shut down, sad. Seeing as our 6 year anniversary is on Saturday. It is okay, we were like 2 doors down from where it was.

AND THEN, we went to Macy's to take back the court outfit that wasn't quite right. As in, blazer sleeves were too short and the skirt had a tiny rip in the ass. I was pissed about that. The whole ensemble was AWESOME. And now there isn't anything there that I like. CRAP. I will have to go back and look again, for our second court date in June. (It has been post poned). And then it will look like I have expensive clothes galore seeing as I will definitely have another outfit by the time late June rolls around for this occassion....!!!

OH, And then....... I had to buy cute sandals because my feet have been suffocating and I am now sick of buying shitty shoes that I do not like. And I will wear them to work and if anyone gives me shit for having feminine stuff, they can suck it. Because I am a girly girl, even if I work in IT. Fuck off.

:D Happy times. I would write about my awful Sunday, but I am too happy right now.

And then I ran tonight before I came to write this and was proud that I didn't use the 15 excuses I could have, to get out of it. 9PM, I was strong and just relaxed. Wham bam, the miles done. Happy.

-Angela
angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
It's been happening. It's the kind of week where every time I turn around, I'm missing, remembering, reminiscing about my friends, my experience, my life in Los Angeles, Teacher Training. Blown away it's over, and intensely full of nostalgia for my comrades – we've all faded into our regular lives and we are still a part of one another, but it is never going to be the same. It was a one shot show, once only. I miss so very much about the experience, it comes back in waves.

First I think about the classes. I miss waking up in the morning every day and preparing to hit the mat first thing, before anything else happened in my day. I miss standing around before class in the morning and the evening talking to my besties. I miss Bikram's classes more than I care to admit. I have never, ever, ever, laughed so hard in my life – all while still doing yoga. Who knew. OF course there will never be any other class like that. I miss twice a day yoga, every week. I miss the ease of getting the yoga in because NOTHING ELSE could get in the way. The jokes, the singing, the ridiculous songs. I also miss being sick of hearing the same stupid tired tune, but every time Bikram sang, I loved it. Maybe other people hated it – but I adored it. His energy from the podium was so great. I kept fighting my own feelings because I was in a sea of other people, but now I can look back and I know what I felt. Bikram is a soul that while everyone talks about him being a dick, I am endeared by.

I felt like I had to think he was an asshole because he said mean things too. But that's not how I felt. I didn't find him to be an asshole. I found him to be a master of shock value. That's it. People constantly take shit so seriously. Even me. More than Bikram being a dick to me, I took those ridiculous posture clinic teachers harder than I ever took Boss.

I even miss posture clinics, hours and hours of BS. I do not miss someone giving me crap for bathroom breaks or where I was going at any point in the day – that I certainly do NOT miss. I do NOT miss being told, that one day when my period went on for 2 days longer than normal, "why weren't you prepared enough to bring EXTRA tampons????" (To the person who said, I give you a FUCK YOU from here, right now, still. I was bleeding out of my crotch and very unhappy in that moment). I miss everyone whining and bitching about Mahabarat. I miss laughing and eating garbage food all night long. While I often felt estranged from even my own close knit group of friends, I often didn't realize I was more accepted than I thought. No one really knew me at times, but then sometimes there were moments where people did know me intimately in ways that others in my regular life didn't.

Do I miss being a snotty pile of shit in the last week because I allowed people in posture clinic to rob me of my peace and human dignity momentarily? No. Of course not. I hated that. I hated it more than anything. I felt like the only person who was a mess in those moments. Everyone could see it. There was no way to keep it from being exposed to tens of twenties of people all over. Was I snotty mess? Yes, Yes I was. Because I wasn't ready to accept that everyone is human, and no one gives a shit if you expose your weakness. I regularly do expose my weakness – but typically only in word form. Not in actual, raw expression. A lot of people followed my blog apparently while I was gone, and by the time the real juicy crap hit me, I was unable to take time to write. It's coming out now maybe.

I miss Karen and her cute, smiley self. She is a great lady, and I do know she's got a lot of wisdom. And sweet Tracy, who was often in my room when I came back during breaks from studying...

I miss Gui from Chile... I will never forget the day he asked me if I was having a good day in the hallway back to our rooms - 4th floor neighbors as it were, in the final week. When I in fact, was not having a good week. I tried to say I was okay, And then - I looked at him with his big heart and beautiful eyes, and just started bawling. He took me in his arms and held me and said a bunch of Spanish things and it didn't matter what he said. He squeezed me and it was all okay. His big heart was something that made everyone know and love him by the end of the 9 weeks.

Digression – the things I miss. The damn stairwells. I miss walking down Sepulveda, I miss the spanish speakers. I miss telling them things like, "I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. Hungry for penis..." In Spanish. The look on those faces. Seriously. And I miss Olga... I miss her natural charm and beauty and support. That girl knew I struggled with a sense of self confidence, I think she felt it more than others sometimes. Sniff. There aren't words for missing the people who held my thread of sanity at times. Shit, I had no idea! I also regret not having a chance to get to know more people, better. I could easily turn into a sniffly mess just thinking of these people in detail. Thomas, and yes Katty. But Katty and I have a different connection. And I can feel her proximity. I have more contact with her, so it burns less than say – Olga, Thomas, Gordon... and when we're not talking about my posse, all I can think of is Group 17 and the people who incidentally showed me more support than I think I've ever seen in my life regarding an academic endeavor. Renata, Karoline, Ula... Czech Republic, Germany, Florida... how the hell will I ever connect with these people that I feel shaped me so much, and gave me so much, every day, every week........ it gives me a giant lump in my throat, it makes my eyes water. These ladies... they accepted me and were always there for me, and when I fell apart – they never ever gave up on me. The emotions are so huge. Tangible, and I think they live and breathe on their own.

The group as a whole, screaming and clapping and cheering you on every day as we all stepped up to deliver the postures... when people ask me about TT, I have no way to put the emotions into words. They are so poignant – and most of the time, I've been avoiding them a little bit since I got home. Why would I want to think so deeply about the people I miss... I might actually cry because it's over, and there's no looking back. Actually, I've been so focused on my teaching, on being the best teacher I can be even though most new teachers have a long, maybe much lonelier journey ahead than was TT. I have my freedoms back, but the people... they're scattered all over the World and I miss them. I want to stamp my feet, fists balled up, and scream. I miss my people! Miss them so much! It makes me feel so lonely I don't know I've ever felt like this in my entire life... you know when you miss one person you're in love with intensely, like your lover or your primary life partner? It kind of feels like this, except with 20 people simultaneously.

It's a sense of longing I feel like will never really quite ease up, after all. I have a billion places on the map now that I have an urgency towards seeing, but no vacation time left, and a bunch of financial things to sort out for myself. (I'm still solid, it's going quite well, but I have to recover from that investment). And now I see why people say it is the best money they ever spent.

And now I find myself so qualified. People ask me about yoga everywhere. And I have a million things to say, it all comes out without me even thinking about it. People with their fucked up bodies everywhere....... I want them to come in. I want them to start a yoga practice, because I know. I * know * beyond a shadow of doubt that it would help ease their problem. And yet I can't even get the point across. No... I can't. It's something people have to figure out on their own and want to heal on their own. I can say 100 things and that person who scoliosis will talk about the other yoga they tried and how it made their shit worse. Well, that's because you were doing some weird yoga combined with pilates and this and that. It was not designed as a healing routine, but a fitness routine. The difference is night and day. Your hips are screwed up? You can fix this. I swear.

Most people lack the all out commitment to heal themselves, though. I hate to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. That's the truth. You'd rather try and give a half assed shot at health and do it the lazy way, instead of the hard way. I see it every day.

And Reina reminded me of how she urged me to try yoga for 2 years, and one day I went on my own without her knowing... I told Reina for a year, “no, Reina. I'm a runner. I don't do that pansy ass yoga crap.” Now she is witnessing me – today, and I'm a teacher.

Sorry, Reina. You knew what you were talking about.

There are more things I miss... of course, sure – California. But not really nearly as much as I miss the yoga bubble. And the people. I'm a people lover, and once I make some connections, well. What can I say? I really fall for people. And not just my lovers. My friends are so, so important to me too. And to the people still supporting me (Katty) while I walk the rough path of new teaching. Well, you mean more to me than you know. And so too, do those people who kept me strong through out Fall 2011 TT.

And as Bikram would say in class ....
"Are you ready? YES OR NO?!"
This time, not for a posture, but... For life on the outside?

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
2012 BREAKOUT!

Focus for 2012
(I don't exactly do resolutions, per se, but I do have focuses.)


Serve my communities – focal point = Service

Yoga/OTO/Pagan communities, serve them (How? Be present. Give whenever possible in time/service.)

Leave Self doubt behind

Serve in the Mass team beyond the child role:
(First Deacon, then Priestess - eventually, in the future...)

Replace carpets downstairs in 874

Create a tidy home that is nearly always acceptable for impromptu guests

Become a strong and valued Bikram Yoga Teacher

Develop my Yoga Teaching

Digest and Teach verbatim Bikram Dialogue

Improve physical and emotional bodies

Reach the low 140lbs range solid

Lean out body the rest of the way

Shrink the hips/upper thighs

Return to Teacher Training as a mentor (not a DE-mentor).

Travel to see teacher training friends and take their classes!

Maintain a strong Yoga practice

Maintain a moderate running and circuit training schedule

Continually build strong relationships with my sweeties

Stay close with Jim

More personal focus from self to community service

Rite of Sol Involvement

Search for a late 90's Mitsubishi Eclipse for personal material items list
angelak: (Road Less Travelled)
I am within the last hour of my last day at work until after teacher training. Today has been pretty busy. A little surreal. Personal folders, personal folders, personal folders. Some other stuff, and then lunch out with the PWE ladies.
Heidi dropped by with all of my birthday/training goodies and the ACTUAL copy of her dialogue. I will treat it with utmost care and respect! It is amazing looking at her annotations… will I actually be annotating things that well? Holy crap.

I know my path is my path, but wow. Hers is amazing. She was so sweet! Some great energy bars she gave me, a couple of Bikram Yoga Renton shirts (which I love these shirts, honestly I just bought one more last week, so now I have 4 or 5 …..which makes me happy).

Can’t wait for training. Looking forward to Leavenworth, minus the fact the girl and boy (Fritz and Amber) are having digestive hell still. Hmmmm….

Just tying up loose ends. Cleaned my desk at work, turned off my auto-forward from desk phone to cell. Turned on out of office assistant. I’m ready. Ready, ready, ready. Just a little more time left. Feeling amazing. Immediately after work before I go home, I will be going to the store to buy yams. Cooking these up, feeding them to the boy and girl – and then heading out to Snohomish to drop off my car. I will be saying goodbye to Classy for over two months, and she will be hanging out in my parents’ driveway. Looking forward to stepping out of the office doors in less than an hour here.
I will miss my friends and very liked co workers.
But I am SO ECSTATIC to meet my new friends; my yoga family.
I have gotten a lot of questions about my plans. It’s exhausting telling the stories sometimes. “Are you going to do this full time” yada yada.

I’m just going with the flow, people. I can’t know what lies on the other side of training. I know I will at the least be doing part time teaching. And then I will go from there. Simple as that.
First things first: I need this personal journey and I look forward to focus 100% on me and the yoga. So? See you later, office. I’m off to go seize the day and feed my life with inspiration.

-Angela
angelak: (Hold My Hand)
Feeling a little weird today. Restless this whole week. Things definitely feel out of sorts. I don’t feel like cleaning my house anymore. That’s unusual for me, I know maybe it’s usual for some people – but not for me. I don’t feel like getting to my requests at work – but I’ve been doing it anyway. I’ve got to clean up stuff before I leave. I’m now sitting at 3 days, and I don’t know if my brain can handle this.
This morning was weird in and of itself. Went to take the dogs out on leash, half paranoid of the crap that would soon be shooting out of Fritz because the 2 dogs both have the runs for gods’knows’what reason… I’m very unhappy about this. I didn’t get around to getting a yam and feeding it to them yesterday… this better go away or Jim is going to have a rough time, especially considering we have a house guest. “Welcome to our house – oh yeah, the fact that the dog couldn’t make it down from floor #3 with his runs, we’re sorry for the shit smell.”

:(

I’m sure I was bound to get restless and start to feel a little crazy prior to this. I know I’ll be fine, that I’m “ready,” (who the fuck knows what ready is, you know?) How can anyone ever be ready for the unknown ;) The virgo side wants to take over and figure out reality before it even manifests itself. Maybe taking the time off from yoga was a bad idea… it usually mitigates my crazy. A good run maybe tonight and I can relax. I think it’s the only way I know how to relax: working out. Some folks need video games to zone out. Some people need recreational substance… some need a good book… (that works for me too, but that is besides the point). Me, I just need to move. Or, paradoxically, in yoga… not move. Or something.

Anyways, I was taking my dogs out and from around that same damn corner of the building near the alley (there’s always a blind spot around the end of the building) strolls a dog on a leash, but pulling his leash behind him. My dogs are doing their thing, I’m holding 2 leashes and juggling it as per usual morning business in our courtyard. Amber starts barking, but the other dog really only sees Fritz for some reason. Dog decides to start lunging towards Fritz with his hackles raised. I’m feeling ready to beat the shit out of the next dog that tries to bite mine. Because that cost us $600 last time, and is generally evil when regarding a dog in pain. Which was only 2 months ago. The owner is obviously from our building apologizes. As per usual – I’m a fucking space cadet and say “yeah no worries man.”

I guess we could say I’m still a little shell shocked from last time. Particularly that he just healed from that. High density housing is beginning to grate on me this morning. I hate your fucking huge SUV cars. Fuck your baby on board stickers. Screw your big burly dogs that like to use mine as beef jerky.
I can say we do have 2 very nice next door neighbors who never give us trouble. Mike and Christina are super Christian and have one very well behaved son. I really like their little family. Mike is as nice as I could wish for in a neighbor, and he resembles me in one quality: He’s VERY observant and nosy. I’m frankly wondering if they’ll think me and Jim split after I’m gone a few weeks ;)

The other neighbors are Hispanic and hardly ever talk to us but usually are full of smiles. They have 2 little girls and never give us any problems either.

I’m digressing.
Just not sure where my head is. Was kinda spacy feeling even last night at bowling. I think I got tired faster than usual. My reserve of bouncy energy was elsewhere. No big deal – I guess adrenaline runs high in the first week at TT.
Mildly tired of my co workers at the Quah assuming I can teach yoga here for a wellness event…
No, guys. No. Come to a Bikram studio, or no. I have chosen the Bikram path, and that path came with a 12 page contract about how I will use my certification. Therefore, no. Really, the Bikram path chose me. I understand there are other forms, and I’m not quite as cultlike as some regarding bashing other forms – I think all yoga has its value. But my path is this one. For whatever reason.
I guess I’d rather be off of work and not here dealing with… well, the same thing I’ve dealt with for 10 years. Reminding myself right now: I.Am.on.The.Threshold of renewed energy for life because I am literally walking out the door on Friday afternoon and not coming back for over two months. Impressive.

In other news, I need to lay off the Nutella. That’s probably not going to help my early training visual in the mirror if I should get lucky enough to be up front. Then again, I’m at a point: who the fuck cares anymore? I need a run bad. But right now I am just lounging back all dumb like in my office chair. I don’t feel like a yogini – I feel like a sloth like fool.
Barry comes in tonight. Well, at 3 PM…
I bet he will make me feel better. He’s just like Jim in the way that he is full of smiles and laughter and usually it’s a stress alleviator.

Anyways. Trying to remind myself it’s all about the entire journey. There’s no reason to get stressed about the experience itself, but I just feel like I’m in the tail end of gray area. That holding pattern that sort of circled me around for like 4 years… well, I’m getting instructions from ground control and they’re telling me when to land, and which run way to take. I’m in one part shock that I’m landing somewhere finally.

But it’s going to be straight to a roller coaster ride, or so I hear. *shrugs* Mantra for my future today: Don’t make it a big deal. Any of it. Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous child always making a huge deal over everything. Over thinking everything. Over everythinging. Also freaks me out that I’m young and have a myriad of blind spots… what stupid shit comes out of my mouth that I am too naive to know is telling in my life inexperience?

This is what goes through my head. But maybe I should try to STFU and let go and just let the next couple of days pass. I mean, after all. 3 days. I just want to be in LA already. I’m there. I’m at the point where I’m starting to get sick of waiting. I don’t care how little of dialogue I know. I’m tired of being distracted. Tired of not knowing what it’s going to be like being tired. Yes, read that one twice.

Staying power for patience is here. Actually I’m kinda lounging back and pretending that this is all bothering me. I love my freezing office here.

In other great news, I was able to craft my 5 gallon water filter with my Dad last night. It’s awesome. While I didn’t want to have to ship anything else, this is a must item. Rather than buy a small Brita filter pitcher… one of my fellow students created a bucket system where you use 3 filters in the bottom of a bucket and it filters three times as fast, more water. His was only a 2 gallon. Mine is actually bigger… but I will only need to fill my filter once every few days, so this might really be rad. Today I’ll FedEx it to the hotel and it will be waiting for me, just in time for Monday night. My roommate will either think I’m amazing, or crazy, as I’m using the bath-tub to fill up my 5 gallon bucket of filtered water.

One last thing… I’ll miss music while I’m away. I don’t think I will spend a lot of time with tunes. In my every day life, I listen to a lot of music……. Right now my new discovery: Ellie Goulding, “Lights.”

Unless of course I listen to it on Sunday runs, if I should decide to do that. Of course, Darci from Issaquah was mentioning maybe we’d do that together on Sundays. I’ve never had a real running partner… will I ditch my ipod and socialize for that? How does that work? :P
If I decide to still go for a run at all on Sundays. It might just be over my level of crazy. We’ll see. I’ll keep you all posted.

Oh, and to the fleas that my dogs picked up in the last 2 weeks. Fuck you. Fuck you for biting the hell out of me. I’ve treated them with FrontLine. Shouldn’t this end? I hate bites.
I think I just read some stuff on the TT FB page. This grey area may be entirely normal.
I’m already beginning to freeze at my desk. This is making me despise this place today.
But in other news: Life’s good. I’m stoked. I cannot wait for … well, all of it.

There's one thing about my blogging style. It expresses just how much I hate secrets and pretenses. You want real? I got it. I hope my fellow yogis and yoginis can handle my style of real.

Annnnd. My boss is nudging me for the personal folders copying. I'm sorry - I really just don't give a shit. I've been copying files for 3 months now. If I don't get to them all - guess what? I'm leaving anyway. Did I say that? O. I said that.

-Angela
angelak: (The Past)
Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!

Yeah.

I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

-Angela
angelak: (Default)
I had some stuff I thought I was going to write, and then I forgot. So I will just have to write something else.

This weekend has been pretty awesome. Yesterday I hung out with my parents after chilling with Jim in the morning. When I got home at like midnight, him and Dave were just cracking open some beers and hanging out. I had a beer or two, we talked for a couple hours, then we told Dave he should really crash in our guest room rather than drive home to Sultan.

He stayed, we hung out more in the morning, then we went to breakfast. Talked for hours, then he went on his merry way. Jim and I spent the day chillaxin. I bought some items to make more yoga mat sanitizer. I am slowly preparing for what is going to be an awesome opener to May. I feel like May might be my "crack down on my habits" month.

Other than my sister's birthday, and a wedding that I am the photographer for (my cousin) my main priority for the month of May is diet and Yoga. I really want to get some uber flexibility in my lower body back, as for a few months I have been targeting cardio which is more like repetitive tightening motions, rather than loosening up. I also am fantasizing about a mini big-picture plan:

May, Yoga month. June, ramp up on running with a side of the elliptical so that I can get the most for my training with the least amount of injury risk - keeping yoga in the rotation to keep some of the 30-day benefits, but not spending my life or my summer in the hot room. Nope. It's time to reclaim my runner identity after my next yoga-thon. Maybe even create a little bit of a training plan instead of free-balling, as I feel I've been doing for a few months. While it's been nice to have the freedom, it's almost too much of a pain in the ass not to have a plan set in motion so I don't have to make On The Spot daily decisions about what it is I am going to do. I will maybe start working on my June plans now. Also have plans to do mini runs for May, either inside or outside - targeting a couple of things, mostly to keep some of my cardio stamina alive - and to keep my tendons and ligaments prepared for what lies after my yogathon. Which is: More dedicated running.

So, I will be keeping it modest with a 1-2 miler a couple of times a week, just to keep shit real. Nothing long because I don't want to wear my body out or burn out my adrenals/thyroid balance.
That and Jim will totally want to go if they are short jaunts like that.

-Angela

Profile

angelak: (Default)
angelak

April 2016

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Most Popular Tags

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Style Credit

Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 06:52 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios