![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Jul. 13th, 2011
I tied up the financial side of Teacher Training today. I know I've done a lot of writing, net-screaming, and overall self-second guessing. I know my last post was pretty much as intense as it gets for the time being, but I am choosing to believe it's so that it isn't as hard on me when I'm actually in the experience.
I'm not sure. I'm generally trying not to predict how it will go, that's pretty much as un-present as it comes. Presently, it's been rough on me. I don't feel prepared the same way I did when I first started fantasizing about TT. I remember I had a strong practice, I was focused, although I was actually still depressed. Strange! Now, my practice feels weaker. I don't feel as strong. I'm carrying extra weight comparatively.
(Yes, 10 lbs, that's it - I know, it could be gone in a flash during training for all I know).
Anyway, the money has gone. That is because for this particular experience, I'm living the motto of, "Be scared, do it anyway."
Sometimes a co worker makes off handed (half jokes) about the city and how they might just kick me to the curb since I'd be leaving for 9 weeks. Well, now is the best time. My director is retiring in August. Late August. The time has already been approved. And if they did kick me to the curb, that would mean I'd just go do Bikram teaching more rather than less. *shrugs* The off handed statements don't annoy me any less. They're playing off of my survival fear side. Seeing as Bikram teaching alone is not quite enough to pay for my mortgage. Actually, it would pay for my mortgage but no food. ;)
Anyway, Point is, I'm going. I don't know how I'll make it through this pre-training funk. I have no idea, other than just to live through it and hope I just start to really laern how to let go before I even step foot in LA. I know I need to hit the studio tonight or else. That's a good sign. I actually really want to go. I think if I go the rest of this week it will possibly quiet down my freak outs. Especially if I stay present to myself in class instead of trying to look ahead for what I will be like in 2 months. For christsake, the first time did Bikram, I made incredible gains in 2 months time. I have a whole 2 months right now, still - to do both dialogue and build my practice up a little stronger. Just because it's mid July and it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train, does not mean I don't have enough time to really do damage control. I just have to ditch this funk and forget about my weight. It's not serving me. It's drawing energy out of me. So who cares what I look like right now!? Who cares?!??!
I need to talk to myself in December and see what transpires by then!!!!
As for Jim and the house. It's not as bad as it feels. It's better than it was. We've made progress, but my energy stalled and sometimes I get frustrated that he is not the partner that will help spur me on with it. In fact, he is rather good about not always being on the games, but the fact is, sometimes I feel like choosing a gamer for a partner was the worst choice for me. It drains me even when they play part time, and his hobby should not have ANYTHING to do with me. It should be fine. But there times when I get so sick of saying things here and there while he IS gaming and being 100% ignored. He's focusing on the game.
He is so incredibly deep and intelligent, warm and loving, and other than having to work on the fact his love style is NOT touch, like mine - we're compatible. Except for this one thing that drives me insane. Video games.
Try as I might.
That's okay. Most times we actually function around this. I think when I get depleted, my negotiability on the gaming goes to zero. And I ACKNOWLEDGE that this isn't fair. The man needs his release. But truthfully, he's going to get all the release he needs between September 19-November 18th. He'll get as much gaming as he can fit in, so maybe I should discuss a little bit about in the coming weeks, us working on him and me, before we spend 9 weeks apart. I mean really....
Particularly this house. I don't want to leave it feeling angry about 874.
As for the sociability (making up more words or something).............
It's very hard to break through this. It reminds me of Mel when she tried to force me to hang out because that worked for her social anxiety issues.
For me, that doesn't work. She got super angry and called me a bad friend when I told her I didn't want to hang out in large groups. It's ok. She doesn't really qualify always as my bosom buddy. ;)
At least her wedding is going to be local.
I know, Throwing Mel in this post is TOTALLY random. But whatever. Maybe this writer's block, this communication block, is the reason I'm turning into a giant emotional wreck. Just maybe.
Anyway, living out the lesson of be scared; do it anyway - is obviously where my 2011 life is headed. So we'll see. I need structure, energy, a plan.
I'm going 100% raw next week as a way to kick myself into another gear. Not just my body, but honestly, I think my soul needs some fresh, uncooked foods to get me back aligned. There's something incredibly off. I'd do it sooner... maybe I will do it sooner. The rest of my food will keep. Maybe, just maybe I'll do a mini-raw run. I just don't want to make it high in fruits for the sole reason that I don't want my skin to break out because I over-sugared. That was what happened when I've gone raw before. Not overdoing it on the bananas, stuff like that. Jimmers is having his long Wednesday, so he's out working late.
Maybe this week is just the beginning of a shift into full gear with my life and get prepared? Particularly because Bikram has my money. Did I mention Bikram has my money?
-Angela
I'm not sure. I'm generally trying not to predict how it will go, that's pretty much as un-present as it comes. Presently, it's been rough on me. I don't feel prepared the same way I did when I first started fantasizing about TT. I remember I had a strong practice, I was focused, although I was actually still depressed. Strange! Now, my practice feels weaker. I don't feel as strong. I'm carrying extra weight comparatively.
(Yes, 10 lbs, that's it - I know, it could be gone in a flash during training for all I know).
Anyway, the money has gone. That is because for this particular experience, I'm living the motto of, "Be scared, do it anyway."
Sometimes a co worker makes off handed (half jokes) about the city and how they might just kick me to the curb since I'd be leaving for 9 weeks. Well, now is the best time. My director is retiring in August. Late August. The time has already been approved. And if they did kick me to the curb, that would mean I'd just go do Bikram teaching more rather than less. *shrugs* The off handed statements don't annoy me any less. They're playing off of my survival fear side. Seeing as Bikram teaching alone is not quite enough to pay for my mortgage. Actually, it would pay for my mortgage but no food. ;)
Anyway, Point is, I'm going. I don't know how I'll make it through this pre-training funk. I have no idea, other than just to live through it and hope I just start to really laern how to let go before I even step foot in LA. I know I need to hit the studio tonight or else. That's a good sign. I actually really want to go. I think if I go the rest of this week it will possibly quiet down my freak outs. Especially if I stay present to myself in class instead of trying to look ahead for what I will be like in 2 months. For christsake, the first time did Bikram, I made incredible gains in 2 months time. I have a whole 2 months right now, still - to do both dialogue and build my practice up a little stronger. Just because it's mid July and it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train, does not mean I don't have enough time to really do damage control. I just have to ditch this funk and forget about my weight. It's not serving me. It's drawing energy out of me. So who cares what I look like right now!? Who cares?!??!
I need to talk to myself in December and see what transpires by then!!!!
As for Jim and the house. It's not as bad as it feels. It's better than it was. We've made progress, but my energy stalled and sometimes I get frustrated that he is not the partner that will help spur me on with it. In fact, he is rather good about not always being on the games, but the fact is, sometimes I feel like choosing a gamer for a partner was the worst choice for me. It drains me even when they play part time, and his hobby should not have ANYTHING to do with me. It should be fine. But there times when I get so sick of saying things here and there while he IS gaming and being 100% ignored. He's focusing on the game.
He is so incredibly deep and intelligent, warm and loving, and other than having to work on the fact his love style is NOT touch, like mine - we're compatible. Except for this one thing that drives me insane. Video games.
Try as I might.
That's okay. Most times we actually function around this. I think when I get depleted, my negotiability on the gaming goes to zero. And I ACKNOWLEDGE that this isn't fair. The man needs his release. But truthfully, he's going to get all the release he needs between September 19-November 18th. He'll get as much gaming as he can fit in, so maybe I should discuss a little bit about in the coming weeks, us working on him and me, before we spend 9 weeks apart. I mean really....
Particularly this house. I don't want to leave it feeling angry about 874.
As for the sociability (making up more words or something).............
It's very hard to break through this. It reminds me of Mel when she tried to force me to hang out because that worked for her social anxiety issues.
For me, that doesn't work. She got super angry and called me a bad friend when I told her I didn't want to hang out in large groups. It's ok. She doesn't really qualify always as my bosom buddy. ;)
At least her wedding is going to be local.
I know, Throwing Mel in this post is TOTALLY random. But whatever. Maybe this writer's block, this communication block, is the reason I'm turning into a giant emotional wreck. Just maybe.
Anyway, living out the lesson of be scared; do it anyway - is obviously where my 2011 life is headed. So we'll see. I need structure, energy, a plan.
I'm going 100% raw next week as a way to kick myself into another gear. Not just my body, but honestly, I think my soul needs some fresh, uncooked foods to get me back aligned. There's something incredibly off. I'd do it sooner... maybe I will do it sooner. The rest of my food will keep. Maybe, just maybe I'll do a mini-raw run. I just don't want to make it high in fruits for the sole reason that I don't want my skin to break out because I over-sugared. That was what happened when I've gone raw before. Not overdoing it on the bananas, stuff like that. Jimmers is having his long Wednesday, so he's out working late.
Maybe this week is just the beginning of a shift into full gear with my life and get prepared? Particularly because Bikram has my money. Did I mention Bikram has my money?
-Angela