Flows like Chaos.

[angelak]

I should write a real post, as much as it pains me to truly remember a damned thing that happened any longer than two days ago. The poor memory, oh goodness.

If I wrote what’s really going in my head, I just don’t know. I’m flying pretty high in general, with a touch of fear that one day I’ll wake up and all the things I love will disappear. Which is ridiculous and very human.
However, 93% of me is confident, happy, relaxed, and content with many things.

Lately I feel upset with myself and schooling. I spoke with Kelsi and I agreed with myself that I will fill out Fafsa and get financial aid and student loans at the beginning of 2007 and give this another go ‘round. Two more years and I can have my damned Bachelor’s. That’s all I’m really interested in. After all. I don’t want a masters at this time, I doubt I’ll ever be brilliant or rich enough to get a PhD.

I won’t make much say in that. If I wanted that I’d have to REALLY want it to make it happen and somehow it isn’t the most tangible thing. So onwards. Before my boss comes in and distracts me from my LJ post. Hah.

Kelsi and Mel have both suggested to throw caution to the wind and just take classes to get a feel for what I want. Because right now I have my career in IT, and part of me knows that I want out. Not that I am not good at this, not that it isn’t fabulous in so many ways (read, look at me right now – I’m updating LJ for gods’ sake). But I recognize I’m so terrified of change when really a part of me deep down wants change and I am just so rut-ified right now…

I could look for a new job, but if I am in IT I want to stay at least another year here at COI. I also have to wait and see what happens with the new PD position in 2007. Which I know is coming up. I just feel like my motivation is low. I hate my desk location. I hate my procrastination here. I used to jump on everything. And now I just suck.

Read: I’ve been trying to motivate myself for the last 2 years and I am a complete failure with that.

I get my job done. Satisfactorily. It could be so, so much better.
My mom told me the State Troopers are lowering the entry age into Academy to 19. They’re desperate.

Interesting.

I’ll take some CJ classes.
My sweetie seeks more IT oriented curriculum.
He finds it ironic he is trying to get out of his more dangerous line of work and I’m sick of sitting on my ass complacently. We both have been in our careers about the same amount of time.

So many things have been going through my head this weekend. I am plagued by realizations and cultural exposure to the army, to soldiers, to the inside of how they think and feel, and how they grow together while they are away facing hardships. I can’t place some of it into words. I don’t feel like an imposter, more like a fly on the wall.

And I feel so alone in regards to the fact that they project so many of their feelings and I can feel almost every one of them. Like if I say that someone will be skeptical. The projection is telling a stronger story to me than the rest of the words these men are speaking out loud to one another.

When I read my sweetie’s chakras, sometimes I get a very strong sense of what he’s gone through in the sand. I cannot verbalize on that either. The more I learn about this group of people, the more I fall in love with all of them.

I am irrevocably changed.

I just don’t want to lose any of them. And not just through the war. I mean through the way life changes in the blink of an eye. Like if Jim were to leave, I wouldn’t just be losing Jim. I’d be losing this whole reality. I no longer feel like it is his reality.
Though, I know deep down inside we are both so very happy. I have never felt like I belonged as much as I feel I do right now. And maybe we as humans say this whenever we are happy – and I recognize I’ve felt that way before. But this, I can’t help feel – is different. My gut tells me everything is going to be okay, that this is the beginning of something very long and beautiful. I remember when I was first dating aroidan as a 15 year old, and a 16 year old. I always got the idea that “one day I will break up with you.”

I’d cry. Cry over the notion that though it felt so good with him at the time, I would one day leave. I would one day break his heart and I felt that somewhere deep inside of me. He’d reassure me. “No, honey. It’ll be fine.”

4 years later I kicked him out of our home and it became my home.
I broke his heart.
When I thought back to the moments in time when I was that 15 year old and had that notion in my center, I realized I had been right.

I just hope with everything inside of me this time, too – that I am right.
Because ever since the very first date that I went on with Jim I got an incredible sense.
“This is going somewhere. This is going far.”

I remember the insanely strong crush I got on him in the first few months. The incredible excitement mixed with incredible trepidation. I remember telling my mom that it would take him 2 years to say he loved me. Because I knew he was afraid too. He was afraid I was like so many women who toy with the hearts of men and play games. So many men do the very same thing.

Humans and their convoluted bullshit.

So, the thoughts shower me. Thoughts of soldiers and far away places, thoughts of Ray Ray and his extended tour. Thoughts that if Jim ever got deployed, I would stand by him from afar. And I cannot hold back an incredible sense of pride that he did serve over there for a year already and that he and his comrades were brave, regardless of how downright stupid and mindless a certain percentage of soldiers are. Not these men.

All three of them are happily toiling away in their classes getting grades to be proud of, now that they are home. Jim is not one of those dense people who need to be told what to do. He waits for the day he is no longer enlisted – so that he can “start his own life without anyone telling him what to do anymore.”

So much he doesn’t want to go back.
It would extend his contract.

I do feel that our relationship is strong enough to endure – regardless of what is thrown at us. Every morning I wake up and realize that I bumped into, by chance – this man, I’m enchanted with the notion. That he feels the same way.
When I think back to Khaya and the months of struggle we faced together, I realize it wasn’t what either of us needed. That all the lovely parts of him were blessings to experience, and that all the turmoil taught me a lot about what I do not need in my life.
Also, the experience of breaking up and getting back together with someone brings.

It is not easy to let go, but sometimes it is necessary.
I learned the same lesson with Aroidan eventually.

"Letting go isn't giving up. It is understanding that the best is yet to come."

My best friend, Mel – is going through a break up right now. Ryland is not my favorite pick of men. And this being said – I see her struggling with letting go. And Kelsi and I are there to try and support her (goddamnit, she is in Bellingham and that makes it terribly hard to do the things I wish I could do for her.)

Kelsi and I both know the struggle of letting go when you know it isn’t the best for you, but you want to hang on anyway. She’s going to try and get back with him. And learn the same lesson we’ve learned about that.

Digressing.
So much to learn.
I remember Kelsi’s attitude with her last boyfriend.
She was madly in love. But one week her guy changed his mind. And when push came to shove, he said he didn’t “know if he wanted to be with her anymore.”

I have so much respect for the fact she looked him in the eyes and said, “alright. I’ll be by to get my stuff.” If a guy isn’t sure, I stand behind the idea that it isn’t enough for me anymore. If he doesn’t want to fight to be with me – he isn’t the right guy for me anyway.

There was a time I didn’t think like that.

If he wants to let me walk away, that means he really isn’t into me enough anyway.

So the weekend?
We went to two movies.
“Borat,” and “Flags of our Fathers.”

Borat was hilarious. Loved it. And it cracks me up that Jim does a great impression of the main character. He does fun impressions of a lot of people though.

Flags of our Fathers made me think a lot. And it went right along with my army-related weekend. Hanging out with a bunch of infantry men, you hear some stories.
Especially Ray Ray, who is currently on his way back to Mosul.

He wants to be a nurse one day. When he gets back home, he is going to school for this. He describes his journey at learning the human body. It is no “bodies” exhibit, clean and beautiful. It is gruesome.

Rancid stories and rancid deaths.
Ugly images that I don’t have to see to understand.
I feel it in their hearts.

A bond that so many people envy and understand little of when they see the brothers.
Chosen family.
And when I remember Khaya talking down on how he was smarter than to join, I feel scorn now. “How could you gloss over so many individuals…”

He used to degrade them and he didn’t even know he was doing it. He used to judge and hold himself superior. Well, let me tell you. I am no better than any of these men. And neither is high-and-mighty Khaya. He may have his masters, he may have his safe city job in the confines of a high-rise office building. He may have experienced many admirable things.

---

And though I am not one for politics, I can tell you this. I am proud of them. I am proud beyond words.

And I can tell you now that not every soldier is extreme right-wing, not every soldier believes that they should be over there. Although, I do believe most of them think we had to do something.

And there it is. The flood of words that dance around in my mind. The flood of emotion that trickles out of my heart like a babbling brook.

I also might add I enjoy army movies because they always cast hot guys in them. :D
On a separate note:
Thanksgiving is mostly planned now. I have the dogs accounted for; they will be coming with us. We’re going to Jim’s sister’s place. I am going to bring a double layer pumpkin pie. He has bragged about how much he liked it and seems excited. That man is so very adorable about things.

I mentioned making one just because for this weekend and he got very excited. I love how expressive he is. I love how he is seldom frowning. His existence is so cheerful. Uplifting. It isn’t a smile that crosses his face all the time. It is a huge, full-fledged, grin.
The kind that makes me feel wonderful when I see it. And he does it all the time and has no idea.

It is so refreshing in today’s society to see someone like this. How many people walk around with frowns on their faces? You walk down the street and it is amazing.

Digression.
Went to the bar 3 times last weekend? I can’t recall.
Thursday was fun. Friday I went to Vahalas in Kirkland with the girls and Shane. Kelsi, Mel, Andrea. Mel talked about her man problems.
I drove out to Jim’s after that.
Forgot my tennis shoes and was stuck with high heels and thongs all weekend.
Went to the bar later that night. (Schooner’s.) Had a couple drinks, ate some food, and then headed off to some other random bar in Tacoma. I have no idea what place, I just followed Guiardo. I do not know how to spell his name. He’s a nice guy, although a little conservative.

A conversation about the mind games people play and some alcohol at this bar caused me to have a semi-permanent furrow in my brow. It bothered me that so many people play such worthless games. I felt like some little 14 year old girl, having been so innocent about people – as though I was being robbed of some innocence I could never get back.

And Jim saw it in my face. I felt like Ray Ray did too. I felt so exposed to the world, like everyone could see that I was in disbelief. I know I’m incredibly vague about what they said, but whatever it was (I’ve already forgotten) really made me think. I sat in silence with my beer for a while and Jim leaned over and whispered in my ear.

“You know. The fact that this bothers you at all makes me realize how much I really do love you.” I melted into his arms. And I felt like the luckiest lady in the bar. Because quite possible – I was.

I tried to let the notion that all humans were assholes go. It was hard. Some 14 year old girl in a bar with her beer astonished that people play such ridiculous mind games together, that relations with each other can be so meaningless, so self-involved. These were the people I looked up to as a kid. The ones in the spotlighted, fast moving, flashy light, spirited music scenes. I had fantasies as a writer about these people. Somehow I had revered them for getting out, being social. And this diminished my view of them; the cold, selfish, meaningless way that Ray Ray spun his words about women and men alike.

I never though so lowly of people because I had a silly assumption that they were all more like me. And I admit not everyone out there could fit into the category that Ray Ray and Guierrdo described. But, the truth came out when I people-watched, and I listened to the projection that these people threw off.

I saw it happen and I had always been blind to it.
They weren’t genuine. Sure, yeah – I knew that people in bars and clubs are crappy in general. But I didn’t REALLY believe it. Sure, maybe we’re all out for a good time.
Or maybe some are just out for the game.

That be their Will. The innocent confusion I felt was a sort of emotion I savored. It was because I knew I wasn’t like those women who flit around, looking for their self-involved attention and sucking men dry for no other reason than to raise themselves up.

And that was worth it. To experience. For Jim to make that statement to me, also made the momentary disenchantment worth it. Epiphany of epiphanies.

And though my entry is littered with fragments and lost trains becoming derailed off their track… well, this entry is what it is.

Eso si que es.

We went home and sleeping and waking up next to that handsome guy that I call my sweetie was a glorious thing.
Waking to Monday was fine. I mostly hung out at the apartment with the dogs. I was lazy, reading – talking to Ray Ray, and waiting for Jimmy to get out of class.

He came home and we played some more WoW together. It was fun.
I stayed up entirely too late talking to Ray Ray and went to work early the next morning.

I had to say goodbye to Ray Ray.
When Jim was in class, Ray Ray came into Jim’s room where I was reading on his bed, and sat down to talk. “I think you’re a great person and I am glad you and Jim are together. You guys are two good people and I hope things continue going well for you guys.”

I was honored that he felt that way, and I am used to Ray Ray’s fashion of telling people exactly what is on his mind. He does this a lot, especially every time he goes away. He’ll be gone for at least 6 months.

I’ll send him some more letters, and try and send him some “Scope.”
Or things colored like Scope in a scope bottle. Hopefully I can re-seal the cap. I’ll work on this.

Ray Ray, a New York kid with a badass attitude. East coast attitude. The like that I’ve never seen before. He grew up in Queens. He operates off of no-nonsense, respect.
If he has none for you – watch out.
He is selfless when he cares for you – and brutal when he does not.
This is why I feel honored that he respects me.
He makes it clear that he is protective over his chosen brother. (Jim).
Who wouldn’t be?

I conclude this entry with the one statement that is clear:
I am alive. I feel alive.
And magickal.


-Angela