Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
angelak: (ShadowFax)
Finished Week 5. That was harder than the others (even though it was the "easy" week)!
I think me getting sick had a hand in that. And now I'm one day behind. Not a big deal; I have to slide around my days though.

Week 6 is going to be longer and fewer sets. I slowed down today just to take it easy on myself. End of last week I was not so hot on health. I feel better. I have also been SUPER CRANKY. It isn't common these days that I'm cranky. Went to Jon's birthday party. I'd elaborate, but we're waiting for me to finish my blog post before we go do something in the great weather.

Monday, I'll catch up on my run schedule and hit Run 1 of week 6. That's actually half way through the program, which is a 12 week program. Pretty cool, if you ask me. Also, after being cranky and borderline depressed the last week, this run really released some positive endorphins for me. I could feel it as I drove home. All the things pissing me off, angering me, depressing me, driving my mentality down, and causing me general unrest - they felt evaporated. And it was in that moment that I remembered WHY WHY WHY I would bother to run, and why it's important and powerful that I'm back at it. I'd go into some of that shit that was getting to me; but I feel cleansed and as though I've released it for the time being, and that's such a great thing.

Needless to say, having that focus is really a blessing. I was afraid today that I wouldn't do well on the run, that I'd run out of energy like the "easy" ones earlier in the week. Fortunately, it was far from the truth and I did pretty decently. I also feel like around now, I'm really going to level up on my fitness from the last year since I'm still committed. And even early in 2016 I was hitting some regular gym time (as my Morton's Neuroma has kept me inside on a soft treadmill). Which has been fine for doing sets. I've never done the "set" way - more or less went out and ran and created my own. But this program is a little different and I'm entirely OK with different. Sometimes different is what it takes to get yourself on a more elevated path. And that's sort of my mentality. Going the distance more. And maybe one day I'll just keep going with it. You never know!!!! There's room there to grow.

And to get right down to it; even after 9 years (officially? I think?) I'm in year 10 - I'm still in love with the ritual of running. I am so lucky.

In December 2006, it all began ;)

I hope I can power through next week and we get to a point where we make an offer to someone who will accept and we can be on our merry way and I can continue to remember that this "temporary and involuntary" demotion is no biggie. I made that term up, the truth is that it is extra work on top of my normal job, and of course - it's exactly what I've been happy with leaving behind; Desktop Support.

I'm feeling better after a few days out of the office (Friday being my WFH day).
Tally, ho - onwards!

angelak: (Default)
Hello, Again Real World (IE, NOT FACEBOOKERS).
It’s time to talk more about things that don’t relate to work; but are much more possible because my work situation isn’t draining me. So here goes:
After being on starve diet since RadCon (we have done it annually for 3 years, I guess). And have decided that next Radcon we’re NOT doing it! But I digress.

I’m ready to get back to fitness. I was on a really great running with a small amount of yoga trend in January, but had to back off because it isn’t possible to work out on the HCG diet. It’s not.
I’ve not quite locked in a final number for the HCG diet; but at the very least I think I expedited my overall size shifting to closer to where I’m trying to be. It’s an ongoing journey for me and very much one of my major goals all the time.

A couple of years ago I wanted to go for a 10K distance in my personal goals, but after a couple of months in, almost broke up with Jim and then it stopped. It was like, that one day I didn’t get to go on that run, I stopped. I didn’t keep going.

And I didn’t really look back unfortunately. And then the job turbulence sort of started; so I was sunk on that. I did some yoga here and there and managed to stay somewhat fit; but it wasn’t my 10K benchmark. I have decided it is TIME TO GO AFTER IT! Yesssss.
I’m 12 weeks away and I am going to do it. As I said, in January I had a great consistent gym situation. I have morton’s neuroma from the last quarter in 2015 that has been healing on my left foot predominantly, but fortunately I am healed enough as of January this year to get back into running, provided one specific thing:
It’s on a treadmill and not outside. Now, that normally would upset me. But lately I’m ok with that!
It will do AMAZING for this plan I’ve found. VERY excited. I actually start it today. 3 days a week (DOABLE! Leaves room for 2 other things on my list – YOGA, and a hopefully an adult hip hop class, on top of Ignition practice.)
So you see, I’ve got some off work goals!!!!

Today starts week 1 of the 10K program. I figure it’s ok to start slower than I need because I have a terrible habit of going too much too hard too fast too soon on any of these things. My brain is FAR too committed and goes more than my body would prefer. Thanks, Type A attitude! UGH.
SO, I’ve decided while the slower approach is less than I was doing in January, it’s going to be perfect to self limit my body and keep me working up to it in a safe fashion. Way to be mature, Angela! Woohoo!

It’s also good for my foot healing. So I understand. ALSO, patience is a virtue. I’d love to just ease in and not force shit. I know it’s the Way. The Way to success!!! Yessss!

SO, Today is day 1 of week 1. VERY HAPPY.
The overall plan is going to look like this weekly (with adjustments depending on life, rescheduling, rather than bailing).

Sunday: Long Runs
Monday: Yoga after work
Tuesday: Hip Hop class (once I get registered! To be continued…)
Wednesday: Regular Run
Thursday: Ignition practice
Friday: Regular Run or off
Saturday: Regular Run of off

I’m a member of 24 hour fitness, and wonder if I should switch to Gold’s because there is one in my office building and also gyms in Issaquah and Redmond, but I haven’t made that jump. It’d be way easy to do lunchtime runs any day of the week including those that there are other things happening on. Unfortunately I’m not a morning person, I’ve done it off and on over the years with limited success. I can do it, but I usually just love sleeping. It’s true. I’m a sleeper.

As for hip hop classes: Ignition has been going through some crazy times as of late. I’ll elaborate eventually, needless to say I’m not on the “bailing towel thrown” camp, since there are 2 camps right now. We had a successful, energizing, focused practice last week without the folks who have “stepped down, kinda”

More on that in future posts. That said, I’m looking to level up on performing and dancing. So what can I do? Take a class. We’ll see. Jim is interested!!! That’s amazing. And Sean is likely interested also. So we’ll see. I’d like it because it would afford me and Jim something to DO together that isn’t at home and also level up our time spent together, as it is – the way our schedules have been have been have meant a lot less than other times in our life. It was OK when he was head deep in college, but I think now that he’s done with that program, he’s sort of seeing a gap in his life and noticing it more. It is possible he’s interested in joining the safety team for Ignition, we’ll see. I’m encouraging him to get out and be focused on something other than video games (and working on his work with video games) and such. He had a bad run of a new girlfriend who sorta crushed him recently and he realizes maybe there’s some other place to put his energy. I’d love to see that.
Aside from that, there’s a little snippet of the “other” stuff!

angelak: (Default)
I'm going to start out with simple posts first and warm up to real life posts. Hello, 3 people on my list. HELLO, WORLD!

This still counts as real life:

The pleasant reality of my husband and boyfriend going to dinner because I am not eating (starve diet until Tuesday) and the husband had to stop starve diet early due to sore throat issues. Jimmers likes to eat; Sean likes to not be sick. Now they're happily headed off somewhere to talk about games for a couple hours. And the fact that I did a bunch of laundry sorting and found Jim's socks and underwear and had them in a special pile that Sean asked, "what's this?" and I said, "oh, Jim's underwear and socks." Then I said, "a normal husband would be freaked out by that, I suppose." Poly life. These two are nothing alike and have their share of differences, but they sure get along well. Metamour win.

angelak: (Default)
I'm going to talk about me for a second; which isn't my biggest objective always. I'm outgoing and gregarious - for the most part open. That said, something that gets overlooked is that often times I am also intensely private. I'll admit to a lot of vulnerability, that's part of how I suspect people come to trust me in the first place. That said, it leaves me in a place where I often witness others sharing things and I feel unable to do so. The last 2 months have been a little crazy for me. I'm afraid to talk about my endeavors; I don't want to boast, nor do I want to expose my possible dead end travels. For the last 11 months or so, I've been relatively unsatisfied with my job. Many of those months were officially temporary, but I'm pretty good at my job. That's the fact. I am good at helping people, I'm good at listening to people. I care about shit when things aren't going ideally for people. City government jobs have always been something that I said was where dreams go to die. It was my dream for the first 3-5 years, but as I dead ended in my career and stuck around in compacency (golden handcuffs) for another 8+ years, it became a shackle that was slowly killing me, even in an environment with a boss I truly respected and enjoyed working with. (CG). I entered a new job after leaving administration that was about to find a way to oust me anyway (after 12 years of honest and good performance). It was a good thing, while a risky thing, a good thing. Apparently I'm good at risks when every fiber of my being is telling me what to do.

I finally landed a second city job, in spite of my search for something private sector. On some level, I knew I'd land in the top candidates, but that is easy to say. Most of the time I do land in the top 3, the last two years of interviewing has taught me. Not bragging, just observing. And recently, the interviewers rightfully told me I was overqualified 3 out of 4 times. I am brave and not brave all at once. I kept looking for jobs that weren't the best next step for me.

Back to city job #2... I was happy because I needed employment. I was mildly disappointed because I didn't want another city job. I genuinely was happy to take a job to make it through my wedding period. This was a good thing. After 6-8 weeks, it became obvious the environment with it's unique personality and management structure was not at all as pleasant as my previous team. It was a daily drain.

I was converted to a full time non temporary employee but kept hunting. It's no longer about stability for me, in spite of the fact that it is apparently more "risky." I always preface that every move is a big deal for me. I see a toxic environment at work as a life threatening one, because I struggle with depression. I don't talk about that often. So when I evaluate overall "risk," - I assess what it does to my depression as much as I assess salary scale and other job details. Unfortunately for me it is not an option to go somewhere and put on a good face and go home and abandon the toxic impact. It follows me 24/7, and if I am not careful, erodes at my ability to be in a safe headspace. I knew this when I left Issaquah. And a few months into Kirkland, I knew that as well.

The fortune I have is that the rest of my life is really amazing. I have a great husband and a supportive boyfriend who is always present for emotional ups and downs. That said, my polyamory structure has slowly been shifting, and so too has my home life circumstances. These are things I worked hard to sort out over 24 months time. None of it was quick or simplistic. I take responsibility for these choices, however stressful they can be. One relationship is hard, two is hard, and so on.

That said, I was able to quit my toxic job after a rough 2 weeks of "maybe" on a promotional position at a private sector company last week. My last day at the place that has afforded me to connect with some of the best and worst coworkers I've ever met, this coming Friday will be my last day. (4/24/15)

I start my new job on 4/30/15. I feel that I have been anything other than entitled to this next advancement for my career. Since money is not the biggest object for me, I definitely don't make wild requests of the universe on that end.

I have put in 13 years of professional career work, not including the couple of years of vocational training in the subject - aside from that with this new opportunity, there was no part of my hiring process that was "handed" to me. I'm anxious, excited, stoked, nervous, happy, and beyond ready to learn and expand myself and offer the best service I know how to my new employer. I just hope I can rock it and be as awesome as they need. I am born of "Croston" lineage. That means anxiety and mental issues abound. We worry. We worry about worrying, and then we worry that we can't stop worrying about worrying. But my gut says this is going to be the start of a wonderful new chapter of my life. Dreams are not of government for ME. That does not mean it isn't for other people (priorities and energy and personality and a million other things play into what we need as individuals to shine, sparkle, and be.)

For me, all I can say is that I do not know where I would be today without the constant career advice and sound boarding every week from my wonderful, patient, caring, blessing of a husband. He has more experience in this field than most people because contracting means constant job shifting. He's done so much to keep me from falling off the edge these past 2 years. I hope all the stress I have endured has given me the ability to expand, learn from it, and exceed in my next steps.

To the people who matter to me at City of Kirkland, you too have made my everyday moments into something that were bearable. I am a very sensitive person. And I never forget a good or bad deed, and those kindnesses from my friends are not taken for granted.

angelak: (Default)
Wild; but... I am in a good mood today. It makes me nervous.
I haven't been in a good mood in ages, to the point it is worrisome because it is so different than my current default state; like something will come and take it away from me.
That's pretty bad on a whole.

Cheers and Happy Friday, to All.
I extend love and warmth to those who mean the most to me. And if you know me much at all, it's probably you.

angelak: (Default)
Pretty excited. I'm a coffee and tea drinker.
I'm 30.

This has side effects. Some other time I'll get my teeth done at the dental office, but for the time being, I decided to give the Crest LUXE Professional 21 day strip system a chance. 30 minute ultra stick strips. a girl on YouTube convinced me that it was reasonable to try.

Just to help counteract some of my last 10 years or solid coffee and tea habits.
And with this kit came 2 one hour intensive strips, so those seem exciting! I might give them a go after a few days of the regular 30 minute ones. Or whenever I can get an hour where it doesn't matter.
By February, I could be sporting a brighter smile, eh?


#Using_DW and living it up.
Here's her review: http://youtu.be/pN2rxysjBDI


Mr. Green

Jan. 6th, 2015 05:41 pm
angelak: (Hold My Hand)
He was blonde with long hair just below shoulder length that he kept in a ponytail regularly, and vibrant green eyes. I was 14, and he was 13. It was the summer that I changed which name I went by, so he knew me as Angela. It dawns on me now that I may have been (not that I would know for sure) really one of a very small handful of people he ever lived to form a crush on. It's an odd thought; because I mostly did not think of it from that sort of angle at the time. I thought of it largely from my own perspective.

He had the nickname "Mr. Green," which had little to do with his name at all. Maybe it was about his distinctive green eyes, I never questioned it at the time. We would become natural, easy friends - in short order, it was a connection that had the feel of a much longer history. Which was unique for a couple of just-teen kids. Our purpose was as volunteers at a cub scout daycamp.

He was an actor and a singer already at age 13. I found him fascinating, and for some reason he liked me. My newest nickname around the camp became Mrs. Green. A small thrill and victory it seemed, we loved that notion - the two of us both. I suppose we made our kinship obvious - perhaps it may have been that he sang numerous songs (among my favorite, "Luck be a Lady," which he sang just for me) and did a couple of monologues for me. I was astounded by his talent and livelihood. In particular his adept ability to memorize large amounts with that astounding efficiency. He was obviously a bright kid. It wasn't something I could do, and I knew it. He was so purely good at acting; at emoting, at being so human.

There was a long break where we had no station to be that we sat under a windmill and talked. He had a non identical twin brother and we enjoyed making fun of him for a while. His twin had none of the same hobbies. I think his twin liked sports, but I rarely spent much time paying attention to the other boy. They were very different boys. Mr. Green said to me then, "I'm going to tell you my life story," and proceeded to tell me all of the things that he felt were notable that had happened in his life. I remember this feeling of extreme gratitude and honor that he would share himself with me like this, because it really was a summary of his entire life he shared with me. Speaking directly of school, and recent events regarding his dark poetry that apparently got him nearly suspended. It wasn't violent poetry; he admitted that he merely had emotions that were real; that were not always happy. He was a very chipper, happy child. There wasn't a doubt in my mind, and why he felt he needed to talk to me - I never knew. Also an odd thing to say, "let me tell you my life story." I suppose it makes sense if you're a dramatic type. Except that we shared innocent moments that felt like eternally special ones to both of us. I don't much remember what I offered him in return, honestly - except that I understood. Maybe that was all that was needed; how often are teens understood?

He talked about acting, about his love for singing - and how he intentionally wrote happier poetry so they would stop trying to "get him help." He was very convinced he didn't need help, that he just felt dark sometimes. I understood. I really think it all connected him with being able to project as an actor; but people don't trust that of kids. He was ahead of his time with that.

He taught me funny vocabulary words and we exchanged phone numbers. (He wrote on a scrap of paper that I still keep somewhere "Defenistrate. To throw out the window.")
We did not go to the same school or live in the same city. We spoke a small handful of times and it was always special. There was little to be done with our connection. We had separate lives and were too young for more than that.
We would see each other once a year at the same volunteer event.

I often wonder who he would be today. His talent in acting was acute and strong; but his singing voice was even stronger. The last time I saw him we were all in a group, getting ready to depart near a shopping mall. We were listening to "Kryptonite," and everybody singing along. There were few and far between hugs that we shared, and as we departed we made the rounds. It was the last hug we would share.

It was the second year in a row and so we all knew each other much better, after that goodbye.
The year passed and I was 16. It was early October when my friend messaged me over the internet; the days before cell phones and smart phones.
It was an Instant Message. Not exactly the best way to find out.
Mr. Green was dead.

At the age of 15; he had already been to Broadway and performed once. He told me about it and it had been the highlight of his life. (In a phone call.)

And yet at 15 was when an actual curtain call happened. I heard that it was on one of those dark, rainy October mornings, the middle aged woman sped through a school zone in an SUV while Mr. Green crossed in the crosswalk.

All reports (of which there were many) said he was merely crossing after looking both ways, and that he couldn't have done anything different to avoid his death. She was moving too fast and killed him.

I haven't thought of him in several years. He would have been 29 had he continued aging.
Strangely enough I think he was born in January.


angelak: (Default)
Here's a breakdown that I think is helpful to folks who haven't mentally envisioned what it's like to be non monogamous in a not-deceiving fashion.

Imagine for a moment you have the following 2 situations:

1: You have 2 children.

2: You have 2 parents (with whom you get along and had a mostly healthy relationship with).

Situation #1:
You have a daughter and a son. They're completely different people. Having one child would never prevent you from loving the second child. Your interactions with the two children are entirely different, but you feel the same levels of caring and love. Their personalities are different from each other, they have different strengths and weaknesses, preferences and dislikes. Even your wife or husband has a different connection with the children. In fact, having these kids doesn't withdraw your love from your spouse for that matter, or the other child. You do, however - have to manage your time differently surrounding extra personal connections with these fellow humans, your offspring. You also connect totally differently based off of who you are, and who they are. You structure your life based off of what people exist in it, this includes kids.
Much is the same in regards to adding relationships that are possibly more than friendships.

Situation #2:
You have two parents. You do not love your mother or father more than the other. Or do you? Would you ever socially say as much? Probably not if you did. (This supposes you have a relatively healthy connection to both of them). You may have a preference for one, or perhaps you like your Mom in some situations better than your Dad. Or vice versa. They fulfill different roles possibly. Maybe they do fulfill different roles, or maybe not. This happens with partners too, if you have more than one. Preference for differing roles does in fact happen, but it isn't to say you necessarily have a "favorite." And if you did, you'd be a total jackass who didn't deserve either/any partners, because bringing that to light is truly an asshole move. In my not so humble opinion.

To move on to a third example for aid in understanding this - one could say you have no limit to the number of friends you have. Everyone's friend circle differs a bit, including the severity of each friendship. Perhaps you have a personal preference also on how many and how close they are, but that doesn't mean because you have ONE friend, you stop connecting with others and refuse more friendships. This is similar to how poly folks view relationships.

Polyamory differs often from swinging. Swinging is purely a physical thing most often, where polyamory most often is based off of emotional connections that may also have physical aspects like a "regular romantic relationship." (Commonly accepted mainstream vision.) It may not, though. Some do have more casual physical encounters than others. It really depends on the individual who practices the open relationship lifestyle. Configurations differ in as many ways as you can imagine.

This also brings up other considerations. The idea that someone is poly and wants endless partners is pretty inaccurate. Just as some people choose to have 1 or 2 kids, or maybe others are OK with 5... but most people aren't OK with 5... the same is true of poly partners.

I do not like to have more than 3 people who I date and schedule as romantic connections in my orbit at once. Mostly because I also like to have friends without romance too!!!! And jobs and other family members.

3 is too many as far as I am concerned depending on the levels of the relationships. Which is my biggest conflict right now. I have two "primary" type men in my life. This is a lot. I stopped seeing my other guy not because we broke up - but because I met a second "primary" type connection. We're still open to connect if we get the chance; he consequently took another lover because I became a bit more scarce. It wasn't a bad thing. That or he just likes lotsa ladies. And the ladies like him ;)

MY definition of Primary partner is as follows:
The kind of person you basically live with and make major life decisions with, is what I call a primary.

There are what some call "secondaries," which is not to say they are less important, but they play a different role in ones' life. Some people actually reject these categories because they feel it reduces people to being less important than others. I just need classifications sometimes; but not to raise someone above others. I also try not to do this to my friends, either. But I do have a couple of people that I call my "best friend."
Back the idea of a secondary partner: Maybe you only see them once a week or once a month. You probably don't make your financial decisions or living arrangements different for these secondary kind of boyfriends or girlfriends.

The other thing is that EVERYONE runs it a little differently. That's true of monogamous people, but you'd never know because no one ever talks about how each monogamous relationship is different.

Speaking of this - with Jim, I often found him looking for potential partners with folks who were not already poly. I tried to coach him into the idea that he must search in the right places. For one because you get a shit ton of rejection if you don't seek out already poly folks.
Also because it is, as I see it - mostly unwise and searching for failure to look for single people who are monogamy minded. Not cool for them and not cool for you. I am entirely uninterested in men, for instance, who are married monogamously. There are often people who worry when they hear about poly that these folks are freaks with no rules or no regard for respecting anyone. I really am only interested in people who are honest, and who also want to have this lifestyle for themselves. Which includes total transparency.

The notion that poly folks have no regard or rules? It could pretty much not be further from the truth. The notion that I'd ever be interested in a cheating spouse. YUCK. (I've had women think that simply because I was poly, I wanted to "Steal" their boyfriend or husband. No, thank you. People are SERIOUSLY not objects or property to be owned by me anyway.

That said, a poly relationship does not operate that differently than any other. It would be unacceptable and disrespectful to evade conflict with one partner by going to the other partner. Possibly even abusive. These scenarios may happen with some people (Just as monogamous people do terrible things to some of their partners). The question was posed to me if I am angry at one man, do I rush off to the other one. This does not solve a problem that arises between me and the first guy. That's not a very kind way to treat a partner. Someone that you love and care for. That's pretty rude, and what I see as somewhat abusive. If you cannot confront conflict in one relationship, this relationship is headed for ultimate doom eventually. It will not turn out well. You are probably not ready for more than one relationship, or maybe you need to do work on yourself before you even have a single, solitary, monogamous partner. These are bad ways to treat anyone in any relationship configuration.

Given that I was with my boyfriend for years before I had other partners, I definitely did not develop the habit of being a jerk to him when we had problems. Personally, I try a lot harder in a poly environment to be kind and gentle with my partners than I do in monogamy. I have in fact done both relationship setups, and I can be either poly or mono. Some people cannot be poly, others cannot successfully be monogamous. It's true. We're all different. The biggest thing I found fascinating upon learning about polyamory is that there was a default setting; but also options BEYOND the commonly accepted and assumed monogamy model. I HAD NO IDEA. And the big thing is the knowledge to choose what works for you, rather than accept blindly what everyone says you must do.

To go back to what I was saying prior:
I work really hard to be fair, to hear people out, to communicate, and not to squash and crush someone's heart and feelings. My feelings of love create the urge to do right by these people. Even in moments of stress and difficulty. Especially in those moments.

​People that you have around in your life, it is best to treat them well. Like your children, friends, or parents. Family members. My polyamorous partners are my family.

Some people fail at treating others well. Some people don't fail at that. This logic transfers over. Some people are amazing to their wives and husbands. Some are not. I'm a pretty loyal person. I operate off of as much compassion as I can. I worry a lot about how someone feels, what my actions do to the emotions of others. I think about it a lot more than I wish I did at times. ​How you handle poly interactions, communications, changeovers, plans, guidelines and rules, committing to following through with what you've agreed with between everyone - that all has direct consequence. Sometimes the consequences are quicker and more ugly or more beautiful in poly setups. I have worked a lot and observed and trial/error'd a lot of this. I still worry I will botch it up. Sometimes I do. I try and understand when my partners make mistakes, that I must be forgiving for the same reason that I cannot be perfect either.

This is basically how I view polyamory in my life.


I have a calendar. There are basically days I spend in one house and days I spend in the other house. It is difficult at times. But we do this to children when folks divorce, so how bad can it be for an adult? In fact, I understand the challenges of what children of divorcees must feel. Sometimes it's totally fine. Other times it really, really sucks.

As far as being out about polyamory. Some people I'm ok with sharing. Other times I want to appear normal like everyone else. Nothing in my life has run as it tends to for mainstream people. There are moments I like to pretend, just for a little while, that nothing is weird/abnormal/constantly questioned, or worse - judged negatively, and invalidated.

The last concept I feel inclined to address about this is the concept that if you are dating more than one person, that you are not truly committed.
I'd like to say if that if someone has love for someone else, and that breaks your commitment - this is in my eyes, a different level of commitment. The actuality of my husband or boyfriend being in love with another man or woman and NOT breaking my union or relationship ACTUALLY expresses a different kind of commitment. To remain together and appreciate that they value someone else as well as you, IS commitment too. Commonly accepted cultural views say that being "exclusive" is the only way to have commitment. This is wrong. I commit to loving my men regardless of who else they may fall in love with and become physical with - provided we follow guidelines and agreements that we've come to. Because if you break guidelines and agreements, this qualifies as cheating - whether you are monogamous, or polyamorous. If you can support somebody connecting with others and still have a strong, loving relationship - I argue directly that this has nothing to do with lacking commitment, but rather just the opposite.

And when I am in poly places, it feels good to know I am not alone, that I am not a freak, and that my problems and struggles are normal too. To feel understood. There are times that being misunderstood about my open relationships is frustrating. Especially if they're wildly inaccurate, or terribly unfair notions, that may make me appear to be anything less than what I really am.

angelak: (Goddess)
Here I am; I've landed from the land of LiveJournal square into DW. I know I've been sporadic in LJ land. Really, FB is only so good these days.

I have a lot going on. I sincerely miss real archival data and am tickled ALL of my stuff if imported to DW. BAM. That quick.

Good riddance LJ, I'm in DW Land now.

Suffice to say at first my entries may be short as I will try and replace the FB compulsion with things here. It was just time. And everyone is looking around at other media websites. I see potential in the other ones. The truth is that I cannot spend much time managing too many. It's bad enough how much time we utilize on FB as it is. For now this is public - at some point soon I know I will narrow it. Especially if I share anything of real importance.

angelak: (Sleeping)
Just going to write here for the sake of writing. Had a nice evening last night. Very normal, average, routine. Except we set up with a simple HDMI cable, Jim's computer downstairs. The benefits of this abound. Particularly that I think he may notice Amber's requests to go out more than prior when he was Repunzel in his tower on Floor #3 in 874.

Also, when I come in the door, I won't have to trudge upstairs immediately to alert him I am home.
That sounds like it's not a big deal, but after 5 years, I'm frankly sick of that. No need for an intercom system :P

Perhaps less dishes will migrate into floor 3... we'll see. I'm feeling optimistic about a simple move of computer. I said it jokingly about 3 weeks ago, and BAM, it happened for real. !!!
Just feeling at peace for the moment, and that feels good.

Let the weekend garbage die.
Last night July 4th plans were finalized. Can hardly wait.

The weekend was pretty cool. I know we went out on the boat a few times, and in the last couple of weeks I've discovered the beauty of night-time Lake Union time. How fun!!! My favorite was the evening we went out and I read my novel out-loud to us. How much more fun does it get? The only bummer is I don't really watch the boating environment if I am reading, but it was a lot of fun all the same. I sort of ate whatever I wanted, mostly drinking lots of wine over the weekend and skipping all scheduled workouts. That's okay. Sometimes it just feels good to live.

We also had to go nab Amber, a furchild-care issue related to the Leavenworth trip of Jim's. That worked out. As DriveHouse is not Amber-proof, we crashed at 874.

It turned out quite well in the long run, my favorite part being Amber's first trip out on the boat. Fritz is people centric and less independent. All he cares about is clinging to his people. Amber is very, very independent. She loved standing at the bow of the boat and staring out over the water, challenging ducks by barking at them, and generally just being more dog-like and interactive with the fact she was on a boat with water all around. In general, she tolerates water better to begin with. I just had to watch to make sure the crazy girl didn't get any ideas about jumping in, in front of the damn boat. You know. Like ya do.

The bad news was when our front snap cover ...blew into the marina while we were out. It was gone when we got back one of the times. Meaning a make shift covering of the front of the boat until Sean can get a new one. (not cheap).
I'm a strong swimmer... I also love swimming. But there have been times I've had water phobia. Sean would have dove in to look for the cover under the water in the Marina, but he is still recovering from shoulder surgery.

I was about to with my goggles and bikini, but you know. I was truly mortified by Lake Union waterworks marina water. I really don't want to see what is down there for some reason. I jumped in. For 2 seconds. Decided I wasn't going to be able to goggle around and find the damn cover.

So that was that.

Lake Union is gross, I'm sorry. It's gross as fuck and I don't want to know what's down there for the moment. :P
It is mostly frustrating to have a phobia at all, especially given what a strong swimmer I am, and mostly logic driven woman I am about a lot of these things. So annnyyyyyyyyyyyway. And you know, I wanted to find that damn cover. Took some nasty dry Chadonnay to alleviate my feelings. I need to get some boat worthy wine that I fucking like. I was just drinking what Sean had, which sounded like shit that Tammy liked back in the day. (Exgf). I think I need to take over and get tasty wine. I'm not a big cheap wine fan. I want something I love or don't bother. But you know, beggers cannot be choosers, and he had this other stuff. I was drinking it because I thought he liked it. He had drank it for Tammy because she liked it. But then he mentioned Tammy likes cheap wine, anything to get a buzz on. That's a bit less my wine style. Give me quality. I don't want a buzz on without fine deliciousness involved really. I'm a booze snob, yes - it's true. I wasn't at 21, but a few years later I got over that "let's get smashed for the sake of it," thing.

Oh yeah, We also did Father's Day at my parents'. It was super fun, Me and Sean went and then Jim showed up later. We also got Jill cupcakes and I bought her half of her new Horse Show Shirt. $100 shirt, but it looked great and will work for her shows for a long time to come. Now that her elbow is healed, we can actually have taken her to the tack shop to buy it. Anyway, good family fun and it is good to see James with a great lady that is kind, low drama, positive, happy as a person. She brings him to a place he always deserved to be with a partner.



Jun. 17th, 2013 07:29 pm
angelak: (Angela Party Happy)
It makes me so damn happy to see my bro happy.

angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
Friday. Took Benedryl. Half worried that when my real drugs wear off, that my allergic crap will come back. But we'll see. I can always use the Benedryl that keeps knocking me out - right??

Drinks with co workers tonight after work. Looking forward to it if my brain wasn't so addled. I am thinking maybe I will have a couple of drinks for once. I think I will invite Sean after all. Shrug.
We'll see. He, Sean, is off to see Man of Steel with his C.

So if he's free in time, I think I'll have him come along. Shake things up. I'm sure JF is curious to meet the "other" that she knows exists.

I miss Judy. I miss Judy a lot in this office.
Life moves on.

In other news, the weekend looks relatively clear, so that's good news.
Up and down goes my personal life. Mostly I think if I just keep being stubborn and working on myself, working on everything I want. Never give up.

Boring isn't better.
I need a damn nap though.
Jim invited me to see Man of Steel before I found out Sean was seeing it. STOKED> I think we might see it tonight.
Sean might come along too. I was excited that Jim invited me out to see a movie. It's the little things.

angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
Past couple of weeks have been on again off again skin allergy doom. Starting not quite 3 weeks ago, I began to notice small changes in my facial skin. It slowly migrated to my ears, and then 2 weeks ago on Friday morning I woke up with a full on puffy face and many mini hives all over my face. I was not a happy camper. I didn’t realize my eyes were half closed from this yet.

Doctors… medications. Happened again after my week long circuit of meds, only this time my face stayed clear and it was really just circulating on my arms and legs, larges patches. It also came with a delightful dose of swollen eyelids, and puffy under eyes and cheeks. Feeling ugly, feeling puffy, feeling unhappy. More doctors, more medications.
Now instead of topical, they believe it was something I ingested. Said it should go away after another week of meds. All I am happy about is that I have more meds that make me want to be alive because the bulk of angry making symptoms go away with the meds. I know, shallow of me not to want it deeper than that. I just have to trust that by the time the meds wear off, my body will have gotten over whatever it was.

I am not a big pill popping girl. I’m just not and I always subscribed to less is more. But this misery was enough to have me begging for more steroids to make my face unpuff, my eyelids to shrink back down and my under eyes and cheeks to look like me.

I looked in the mirror and knew that some people always look that puffy. Some people always look that miserable. Shallow as that sounds. But, not me. I don’t have a fat face or extra puff to my eye area. And the itching all over my body was about enough to make me want to rip my skin off. My whole body the first week, had begun to retain water fluid. Not pretty feeling anyway. It never feels good.

In other news, I decided to get the lenses replaced on my old frames (since they're nicer than the cheapo ones I got at America's Best). Bennie card was maxed out due to all my usage this year. $250 for that. Wowzers, just. Okay.



May. 13th, 2013 11:26 pm
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
It's okay to hang on, when others might not.
You're in charge of your life - after all.
It's not about what others think, what they want and what they judge. They have their own cart to steer.

No stranger, lover, parent, or friend - is in the driver's seat of your life.
Perhaps the moments you go a direction in spite of others, particularly if it isn't overly harmful to anyone at all - that is the moment that defines you as you, and no one else.

angelak: (Perfection)
Tomorrow is the birthday for a new friend of mine. April 30th marks Tierney’s birthday! I was given the beautiful opportunity to work on a Rock Opera cast with some talented people. Tierney was one of my favorite talents on the cast.
Quite simply put, Tierney is a body Genius with some fervent flow, grace, and zest.

Her innate instinct for genius in choreography and creativity beams out through every part of her life, as far as I can see. Her constructive visions and views and advice were pretty much a huge, brilliant (because she was behind them) turning point for me in our Rite of Sol show. I’m sure she wasn’t remotely aware of how important and influential her feedback and visions were to me. So, now she’ll know.

In terms of mind/body connections – I’m good at calling people out when they have a strong one. Her dance performances are captivating and expose this strength of hers. I did not know Tierney well for much of the run of the show (as in, rehearsals and things leading up to the ACTUAL run.) However, soon getting to know her and the Tierney husband, Kat – happened by the end of the show and continued in the months following the show.

Here I sit pondering her new found existence as a key player in my life. We don’t spend tons of time together – no. I don’t really spend lots of time with many people these days, I’ve sort of become a scarce piece. That isn’t the point. Talent is talent. Beauty is beauty, and I cannot wait to watch Rite of Sol on DVD at home to admire the dance that I missed while being ON CAST and on stage with her. What honor could be better? Few.

So, I write this brief post in honor of how awesome the BirthdayGirl of April 30th is. What an amazing woman. Here’s to another great year for Tierney The Great!

Happy birthday, Tierney! Keep rocking your badass self. You Own the Rights to the Word Awesome.

angelak: (Alone)
Teacher Training Memoire )
angelak: (MakeMeStrong)
The Good Stuff!!! )

More real posts soon!!! I promise. I know these are of no interest to most of you :P
angelak: (Deep Thought)
Brief Gratitude Braindump! )

angelak: (Female Runner)
I no longer know how to use the LJ cut now that it does not respond the old way. I feel like a fool. Here is my brain dump and running logs.

Date: March 29, 2013
Route:  Baseline Run
Heart Rate:  Intentionally took it easy at 160-165, allowing a rise of 170 at the end (taking it easy on hamstring).
Time of Day: 1615-1645 (30 minutes)
Weather: Nearly 70F, Sunny
Mood:  Cautious. Pulled the left hamstring mildly this morning doing extracurricular activities. Felt easy and happy. Hoping hamstring is mild. Feeling ready to start a program other than the nagging worry about Hamstring. First day of the year with a tank top and shorts outside on run. Felt great with air on skin and breezing through Gilman Blvd. Tank top that Jim got me Yule a couple years back fits comfortable and no longer tight. AWESOME!

Date: April 2, 2013
Route: Baseline Run
Heart Rate: First half mile: 165. Middle of run: 170. Last half mile: 175, finishing sprint 180
Time of Day: 1915-1944 (29 minutes)
Weather: Cloudy, 60F
Mood: Zoned out. Ran easy, listening to hamstring, felt no real issues with hamstring. Happy with a consistent comfortable run for getting back into the groove. No need to worry or self compete just yet, feeling good about taking it easy and not going too much, too fast, or too soon. Pondered the benefit of a well thought out approach and eventual distance increases. Happy to have yoga and running in tandem as a part of overall fitness plan. Pondering post 10K plan plans, incorporate CT in wild cards one day? Who knows. Doesn’t matter.

Date: April 5, 2013
Route: Baseline Run minus one mile
Heart Rate: 170 Whole run, last .5 mile 180. Pushed to 190 for final sprint.
Time of Day: 1622-1642 (20 Minutes)
Weather: Rainy 55F
Mood: Excited for a short run. Picked up tempo naturally and felt it was a good workout in spite of short brief distance. Great intro to short runs. Felt like a treat, due to short distance – but pushed speed consequently. Jubilant.

Date: April 7, 2013
Route: Baseline Run – to Chase Bank (3 Miles)
Heart Rate: Start 160 for 1.5 miles. Raised to 169-179 last 1.4 miles, raised to 184 for final sprint
Time of Day: 1425-1459 (34 minutes)
Weather: 55F Clear
Mood: Relaxed. Zoned out. Was determined to stay easy in order to be content for end of run.



angelak: (Default)

April 2016


Most Popular Tags


RSS Atom

Style Credit

Page generated Oct. 17th, 2017 01:22 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios