angelak | Entries tagged with life

Hello, Again Real World (IE, NOT FACEBOOKERS).
It’s time to talk more about things that don’t relate to work; but are much more possible because my work situation isn’t draining me. So here goes:
After being on starve diet since RadCon (we have done it annually for 3 years, I guess). And have decided that next Radcon we’re NOT doing it! But I digress.

I’m ready to get back to fitness. I was on a really great running with a small amount of yoga trend in January, but had to back off because it isn’t possible to work out on the HCG diet. It’s not.
I’ve not quite locked in a final number for the HCG diet; but at the very least I think I expedited my overall size shifting to closer to where I’m trying to be. It’s an ongoing journey for me and very much one of my major goals all the time.

A couple of years ago I wanted to go for a 10K distance in my personal goals, but after a couple of months in, almost broke up with Jim and then it stopped. It was like, that one day I didn’t get to go on that run, I stopped. I didn’t keep going.

And I didn’t really look back unfortunately. And then the job turbulence sort of started; so I was sunk on that. I did some yoga here and there and managed to stay somewhat fit; but it wasn’t my 10K benchmark. I have decided it is TIME TO GO AFTER IT! Yesssss.
I’m 12 weeks away and I am going to do it. As I said, in January I had a great consistent gym situation. I have morton’s neuroma from the last quarter in 2015 that has been healing on my left foot predominantly, but fortunately I am healed enough as of January this year to get back into running, provided one specific thing:
It’s on a treadmill and not outside. Now, that normally would upset me. But lately I’m ok with that!
It will do AMAZING for this plan I’ve found. VERY excited. I actually start it today. 3 days a week (DOABLE! Leaves room for 2 other things on my list – YOGA, and a hopefully an adult hip hop class, on top of Ignition practice.)
So you see, I’ve got some off work goals!!!!

Today starts week 1 of the 10K program. I figure it’s ok to start slower than I need because I have a terrible habit of going too much too hard too fast too soon on any of these things. My brain is FAR too committed and goes more than my body would prefer. Thanks, Type A attitude! UGH.
SO, I’ve decided while the slower approach is less than I was doing in January, it’s going to be perfect to self limit my body and keep me working up to it in a safe fashion. Way to be mature, Angela! Woohoo!

It’s also good for my foot healing. So I understand. ALSO, patience is a virtue. I’d love to just ease in and not force shit. I know it’s the Way. The Way to success!!! Yessss!

SO, Today is day 1 of week 1. VERY HAPPY.
The overall plan is going to look like this weekly (with adjustments depending on life, rescheduling, rather than bailing).

Sunday: Long Runs
Monday: Yoga after work
Tuesday: Hip Hop class (once I get registered! To be continued…)
Wednesday: Regular Run
Thursday: Ignition practice
Friday: Regular Run or off
Saturday: Regular Run of off

I’m a member of 24 hour fitness, and wonder if I should switch to Gold’s because there is one in my office building and also gyms in Issaquah and Redmond, but I haven’t made that jump. It’d be way easy to do lunchtime runs any day of the week including those that there are other things happening on. Unfortunately I’m not a morning person, I’ve done it off and on over the years with limited success. I can do it, but I usually just love sleeping. It’s true. I’m a sleeper.

As for hip hop classes: Ignition has been going through some crazy times as of late. I’ll elaborate eventually, needless to say I’m not on the “bailing towel thrown” camp, since there are 2 camps right now. We had a successful, energizing, focused practice last week without the folks who have “stepped down, kinda”

More on that in future posts. That said, I’m looking to level up on performing and dancing. So what can I do? Take a class. We’ll see. Jim is interested!!! That’s amazing. And Sean is likely interested also. So we’ll see. I’d like it because it would afford me and Jim something to DO together that isn’t at home and also level up our time spent together, as it is – the way our schedules have been have been have meant a lot less than other times in our life. It was OK when he was head deep in college, but I think now that he’s done with that program, he’s sort of seeing a gap in his life and noticing it more. It is possible he’s interested in joining the safety team for Ignition, we’ll see. I’m encouraging him to get out and be focused on something other than video games (and working on his work with video games) and such. He had a bad run of a new girlfriend who sorta crushed him recently and he realizes maybe there’s some other place to put his energy. I’d love to see that.
Aside from that, there’s a little snippet of the “other” stuff!

-Angela

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: Woodland Retreat - Angela Office
Current Music: Adventure of a Lifetime - Coldplay

I'm going to talk about me for a second; which isn't my biggest objective always. I'm outgoing and gregarious - for the most part open. That said, something that gets overlooked is that often times I am also intensely private. I'll admit to a lot of vulnerability, that's part of how I suspect people come to trust me in the first place. That said, it leaves me in a place where I often witness others sharing things and I feel unable to do so. The last 2 months have been a little crazy for me. I'm afraid to talk about my endeavors; I don't want to boast, nor do I want to expose my possible dead end travels. For the last 11 months or so, I've been relatively unsatisfied with my job. Many of those months were officially temporary, but I'm pretty good at my job. That's the fact. I am good at helping people, I'm good at listening to people. I care about shit when things aren't going ideally for people. City government jobs have always been something that I said was where dreams go to die. It was my dream for the first 3-5 years, but as I dead ended in my career and stuck around in compacency (golden handcuffs) for another 8+ years, it became a shackle that was slowly killing me, even in an environment with a boss I truly respected and enjoyed working with. (CG). I entered a new job after leaving administration that was about to find a way to oust me anyway (after 12 years of honest and good performance). It was a good thing, while a risky thing, a good thing. Apparently I'm good at risks when every fiber of my being is telling me what to do.

I finally landed a second city job, in spite of my search for something private sector. On some level, I knew I'd land in the top candidates, but that is easy to say. Most of the time I do land in the top 3, the last two years of interviewing has taught me. Not bragging, just observing. And recently, the interviewers rightfully told me I was overqualified 3 out of 4 times. I am brave and not brave all at once. I kept looking for jobs that weren't the best next step for me.

Back to city job #2... I was happy because I needed employment. I was mildly disappointed because I didn't want another city job. I genuinely was happy to take a job to make it through my wedding period. This was a good thing. After 6-8 weeks, it became obvious the environment with it's unique personality and management structure was not at all as pleasant as my previous team. It was a daily drain.

I was converted to a full time non temporary employee but kept hunting. It's no longer about stability for me, in spite of the fact that it is apparently more "risky." I always preface that every move is a big deal for me. I see a toxic environment at work as a life threatening one, because I struggle with depression. I don't talk about that often. So when I evaluate overall "risk," - I assess what it does to my depression as much as I assess salary scale and other job details. Unfortunately for me it is not an option to go somewhere and put on a good face and go home and abandon the toxic impact. It follows me 24/7, and if I am not careful, erodes at my ability to be in a safe headspace. I knew this when I left Issaquah. And a few months into Kirkland, I knew that as well.

The fortune I have is that the rest of my life is really amazing. I have a great husband and a supportive boyfriend who is always present for emotional ups and downs. That said, my polyamory structure has slowly been shifting, and so too has my home life circumstances. These are things I worked hard to sort out over 24 months time. None of it was quick or simplistic. I take responsibility for these choices, however stressful they can be. One relationship is hard, two is hard, and so on.

That said, I was able to quit my toxic job after a rough 2 weeks of "maybe" on a promotional position at a private sector company last week. My last day at the place that has afforded me to connect with some of the best and worst coworkers I've ever met, this coming Friday will be my last day. (4/24/15)

I start my new job on 4/30/15. I feel that I have been anything other than entitled to this next advancement for my career. Since money is not the biggest object for me, I definitely don't make wild requests of the universe on that end.

I have put in 13 years of professional career work, not including the couple of years of vocational training in the subject - aside from that with this new opportunity, there was no part of my hiring process that was "handed" to me. I'm anxious, excited, stoked, nervous, happy, and beyond ready to learn and expand myself and offer the best service I know how to my new employer. I just hope I can rock it and be as awesome as they need. I am born of "Croston" lineage. That means anxiety and mental issues abound. We worry. We worry about worrying, and then we worry that we can't stop worrying about worrying. But my gut says this is going to be the start of a wonderful new chapter of my life. Dreams are not of government for ME. That does not mean it isn't for other people (priorities and energy and personality and a million other things play into what we need as individuals to shine, sparkle, and be.)

For me, all I can say is that I do not know where I would be today without the constant career advice and sound boarding every week from my wonderful, patient, caring, blessing of a husband. He has more experience in this field than most people because contracting means constant job shifting. He's done so much to keep me from falling off the edge these past 2 years. I hope all the stress I have endured has given me the ability to expand, learn from it, and exceed in my next steps.

To the people who matter to me at City of Kirkland, you too have made my everyday moments into something that were bearable. I am a very sensitive person. And I never forget a good or bad deed, and those kindnesses from my friends are not taken for granted.

-Angela

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Location: Home - Woodland Retreat
Current Music: Birds chirping

He was blonde with long hair just below shoulder length that he kept in a ponytail regularly, and vibrant green eyes. I was 14, and he was 13. It was the summer that I changed which name I went by, so he knew me as Angela. It dawns on me now that I may have been (not that I would know for sure) really one of a very small handful of people he ever lived to form a crush on. It's an odd thought; because I mostly did not think of it from that sort of angle at the time. I thought of it largely from my own perspective.

He had the nickname "Mr. Green," which had little to do with his name at all. Maybe it was about his distinctive green eyes, I never questioned it at the time. We would become natural, easy friends - in short order, it was a connection that had the feel of a much longer history. Which was unique for a couple of just-teen kids. Our purpose was as volunteers at a cub scout daycamp.

He was an actor and a singer already at age 13. I found him fascinating, and for some reason he liked me. My newest nickname around the camp became Mrs. Green. A small thrill and victory it seemed, we loved that notion - the two of us both. I suppose we made our kinship obvious - perhaps it may have been that he sang numerous songs (among my favorite, "Luck be a Lady," which he sang just for me) and did a couple of monologues for me. I was astounded by his talent and livelihood. In particular his adept ability to memorize large amounts with that astounding efficiency. He was obviously a bright kid. It wasn't something I could do, and I knew it. He was so purely good at acting; at emoting, at being so human.

There was a long break where we had no station to be that we sat under a windmill and talked. He had a non identical twin brother and we enjoyed making fun of him for a while. His twin had none of the same hobbies. I think his twin liked sports, but I rarely spent much time paying attention to the other boy. They were very different boys. Mr. Green said to me then, "I'm going to tell you my life story," and proceeded to tell me all of the things that he felt were notable that had happened in his life. I remember this feeling of extreme gratitude and honor that he would share himself with me like this, because it really was a summary of his entire life he shared with me. Speaking directly of school, and recent events regarding his dark poetry that apparently got him nearly suspended. It wasn't violent poetry; he admitted that he merely had emotions that were real; that were not always happy. He was a very chipper, happy child. There wasn't a doubt in my mind, and why he felt he needed to talk to me - I never knew. Also an odd thing to say, "let me tell you my life story." I suppose it makes sense if you're a dramatic type. Except that we shared innocent moments that felt like eternally special ones to both of us. I don't much remember what I offered him in return, honestly - except that I understood. Maybe that was all that was needed; how often are teens understood?

He talked about acting, about his love for singing - and how he intentionally wrote happier poetry so they would stop trying to "get him help." He was very convinced he didn't need help, that he just felt dark sometimes. I understood. I really think it all connected him with being able to project as an actor; but people don't trust that of kids. He was ahead of his time with that.

He taught me funny vocabulary words and we exchanged phone numbers. (He wrote on a scrap of paper that I still keep somewhere "Defenistrate. To throw out the window.")
We did not go to the same school or live in the same city. We spoke a small handful of times and it was always special. There was little to be done with our connection. We had separate lives and were too young for more than that.
We would see each other once a year at the same volunteer event.

I often wonder who he would be today. His talent in acting was acute and strong; but his singing voice was even stronger. The last time I saw him we were all in a group, getting ready to depart near a shopping mall. We were listening to "Kryptonite," and everybody singing along. There were few and far between hugs that we shared, and as we departed we made the rounds. It was the last hug we would share.

It was the second year in a row and so we all knew each other much better, after that goodbye.
The year passed and I was 16. It was early October when my friend messaged me over the internet; the days before cell phones and smart phones.
It was an Instant Message. Not exactly the best way to find out.
Mr. Green was dead.

At the age of 15; he had already been to Broadway and performed once. He told me about it and it had been the highlight of his life. (In a phone call.)

And yet at 15 was when an actual curtain call happened. I heard that it was on one of those dark, rainy October mornings, the middle aged woman sped through a school zone in an SUV while Mr. Green crossed in the crosswalk.

All reports (of which there were many) said he was merely crossing after looking both ways, and that he couldn't have done anything different to avoid his death. She was moving too fast and killed him.

I haven't thought of him in several years. He would have been 29 had he continued aging.
Strangely enough I think he was born in January.

--

-Angela

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Location: Bedroom - DriveHouse
Current Music: A Sleeping Man

Just going to write here for the sake of writing. Had a nice evening last night. Very normal, average, routine. Except we set up with a simple HDMI cable, Jim's computer downstairs. The benefits of this abound. Particularly that I think he may notice Amber's requests to go out more than prior when he was Repunzel in his tower on Floor #3 in 874.

Also, when I come in the door, I won't have to trudge upstairs immediately to alert him I am home.
That sounds like it's not a big deal, but after 5 years, I'm frankly sick of that. No need for an intercom system :P

Perhaps less dishes will migrate into floor 3... we'll see. I'm feeling optimistic about a simple move of computer. I said it jokingly about 3 weeks ago, and BAM, it happened for real. !!!
Just feeling at peace for the moment, and that feels good.

Let the weekend garbage die.
Last night July 4th plans were finalized. Can hardly wait.

The weekend was pretty cool. I know we went out on the boat a few times, and in the last couple of weeks I've discovered the beauty of night-time Lake Union time. How fun!!! My favorite was the evening we went out and I read my novel out-loud to us. How much more fun does it get? The only bummer is I don't really watch the boating environment if I am reading, but it was a lot of fun all the same. I sort of ate whatever I wanted, mostly drinking lots of wine over the weekend and skipping all scheduled workouts. That's okay. Sometimes it just feels good to live.

We also had to go nab Amber, a furchild-care issue related to the Leavenworth trip of Jim's. That worked out. As DriveHouse is not Amber-proof, we crashed at 874.

It turned out quite well in the long run, my favorite part being Amber's first trip out on the boat. Fritz is people centric and less independent. All he cares about is clinging to his people. Amber is very, very independent. She loved standing at the bow of the boat and staring out over the water, challenging ducks by barking at them, and generally just being more dog-like and interactive with the fact she was on a boat with water all around. In general, she tolerates water better to begin with. I just had to watch to make sure the crazy girl didn't get any ideas about jumping in, in front of the damn boat. You know. Like ya do.

The bad news was when our front snap cover ...blew into the marina while we were out. It was gone when we got back one of the times. Meaning a make shift covering of the front of the boat until Sean can get a new one. (not cheap).
I'm a strong swimmer... I also love swimming. But there have been times I've had water phobia. Sean would have dove in to look for the cover under the water in the Marina, but he is still recovering from shoulder surgery.

I was about to with my goggles and bikini, but you know. I was truly mortified by Lake Union waterworks marina water. I really don't want to see what is down there for some reason. I jumped in. For 2 seconds. Decided I wasn't going to be able to goggle around and find the damn cover.

So that was that.

Lake Union is gross, I'm sorry. It's gross as fuck and I don't want to know what's down there for the moment. :P
It is mostly frustrating to have a phobia at all, especially given what a strong swimmer I am, and mostly logic driven woman I am about a lot of these things. So annnyyyyyyyyyyyway. And you know, I wanted to find that damn cover. Took some nasty dry Chadonnay to alleviate my feelings. I need to get some boat worthy wine that I fucking like. I was just drinking what Sean had, which sounded like shit that Tammy liked back in the day. (Exgf). I think I need to take over and get tasty wine. I'm not a big cheap wine fan. I want something I love or don't bother. But you know, beggers cannot be choosers, and he had this other stuff. I was drinking it because I thought he liked it. He had drank it for Tammy because she liked it. But then he mentioned Tammy likes cheap wine, anything to get a buzz on. That's a bit less my wine style. Give me quality. I don't want a buzz on without fine deliciousness involved really. I'm a booze snob, yes - it's true. I wasn't at 21, but a few years later I got over that "let's get smashed for the sake of it," thing.

Oh yeah, We also did Father's Day at my parents'. It was super fun, Me and Sean went and then Jim showed up later. We also got Jill cupcakes and I bought her half of her new Horse Show Shirt. $100 shirt, but it looked great and will work for her shows for a long time to come. Now that her elbow is healed, we can actually have taken her to the tack shop to buy it. Anyway, good family fun and it is good to see James with a great lady that is kind, low drama, positive, happy as a person. She brings him to a place he always deserved to be with a partner.

-Angela

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Location: Work - Desk
Current Music: Grind on me - Pretty Ricky

( I'm liking April! )

( Brief Gratitude Braindump! )

-Angela

Current Mood: grateful
Current Location: Work - Desk
Current Music: Gangam Style - Psy

I have to write this all quickly; I have a work list flowing out the door. (SHOOT!!!!) And an optometrist appointment on the same day (Murphey's law!)
But thanks to Inna, I'm remembering that I'm using LJ. Thanks to Casey at work, I'm remembering journaling is kind of a big deal right now. I want to be able to look back and really understand what was happening for me. There's a lot going on! I will likely also be writing some private LJ entries as well. And some friends'locked ones, etc. So in an effort to get cracking on my work list, here goes.

Here's my chance: To give myself space. The goal is to commit to here, in April - to a 10K training program (Novice). Novice because I have not made running a priority. Because this training plan has cross training days worked into it, it means YOGA is on that plan. Above all else, this is where I'm headed. I need it to find my real center and to reach back to 6 months ago when I had a relationship with myself.

I see this is paramount to everything else, save perhaps fixing my house. 874 is a blessing and I've been abusing my blessing. Even if we have plans for it, I need to work harder on it. Everything else depends on these two things.

1- Run 10K in 2 months.
2- Simultaneously fix house so Sean can become a regular guest there, and any other boyfriends.
(which infers really cracking down on my dogs and replacing the hallway and downstairs carpet.)

If I want to save my sanity, I think it starts with my house, once again.
No amount of guesting at DriveHouse (Sean's) is going to get the real work done on my life. If I want to threaten what I have in both relationships, I can go ahead and continue to ignore the hard work that needs to be done. I will only energize Jim if I am energized with it, and the two of us need to work on this together. Regardless of what happens for our next step.

So between the 874 progress - and the 10K program, I will do my best to do all this while teaching my favorite Yoga Ever. But the calendar has been set, and come April 1st, it's no joke, for the first time since my injury I'm endeavoring to increase my distance. There's no reason why I can't. Nothing is going to stop me. 3 runs a week, 3 yogas per week, 1 total rest day. Hitting it and finding myself in the process. See you on the other side, baby. It isn't always pretty, but I think when I relax, breathe, and let it all go a little... solutions do appear. My favorites are the ones that are from Me... but that doesn't mean I need to shut everyone else down either. *ponders*

-Angela

This week has been restorative time spent at 874 and with Jimmers. Last week at work I was highly motivated. This week has been harder. I just want to leave town. Now.

It's freezing. I don't like the cold. I went shopping for long sleeved shirts, because apparently the ones I had have vanished into the abyss of my house. Layering is my new thing, because it's getting cold out, and I feel that I have been freezing for days. Ross provided some low cost options for me. Pretty much outfitted for winter now, thank goodness. Some of the stuff will work for the Spring, once we make it through the stupid months here.

I have become stripey girl due to the striped shirts all over Ross. I better balance it out with some other shirts later or I will become very bored.

It feels great to still have my life and dog home and routine in 874. The Dachshunds appreciate it. I appreciate it too. Especially being alone. Being alone feels so, so good, and so vital. Even if it's for an hour in the morning. Jim goes to work at 430AM. He kisses me goodbye and is gone by the time I get out of bed. I am alone in the house then.
I miss that in Bellevue Home. I need a name for that place, but I haven't for the life of me figured out what it could be. It's actually a good balance if I think about it, none the less.
The Dachshund routine with me in it is very, very comforting.
I say the same thing every morning to them when I am ready to take them out.
They snooze in bed until I am ready to take them out.
The moment I say the magic words to get them moving, they spring into action.
The three of us like our morning routine.
And I always loved my 874 morning routine. Maybe it's because I had 100% control over it.
And that 100% control is important to me.

In other thoughts:
If I get back to my work outs the right way, I will likely feel even better. But the starvation diet made it unappealing to work out, even for me. And now I am lazy. As I have mentioned to Sean though, perhaps this isn't so bad. I re-injured my hamstring doing standing bow in a cold room in rehearsals for Rite of Sol months ago. It has been cranky ever since and I have been holding back on the left side of postures in yoga for months now. Perhaps this resting phase is the best thing I could do for my hamstring. My hope is that when I try again and start using my body in the fitness fashion (I miss it) - my hamstring will have made some healing leaps. I injured it by straining it and stretching in a cold room: March 2012. Then it healed. Then I re-injured it in October 2012. It takes a lot of time for the damn hamstring to chillax. Damn you, hammy. It also kills me in the hot room to have to hold back on it. I know I could progress my standing bow in class if it wasn't so jacked!! My flexibility is there, but the muscle cannot do it without tearing if I am injured.
I suck.
But I know this too, shall pass.
And given my shotty yoga practice of 2013 ...well, *shrugs* I wouldn't be getting any better anyway. Soon, I will be there I guess. Who knows. I'm lost. I trust the right things will happen at the right time. I must.

Back to work, yeah?

-Angela

Current Mood: blank
Current Location: Work - Desk

Was supremely busy at work nonstop. Skipped lunch, came home. Tidied the house a little (it needs a lot, but I won't discuss that), and then Sean came over to deliver some cube steaks that he feels will go to waste if they stay in his fridge.

Jim came home, 3 of us went to West Coast Armory so Sean could look at the assault rifles and see if there was any better deal than what has been out there.
Headed to FedEx for Sean to pick up his light-saber package that he will use at RadCon, and then headed back home. Sean left, hung out with Jim rest of the evening.
Trying to get into the habit of LJing, so here's the back-in-the-day run downs of what things used to go on the LJ !!!!

I forgot that more than one post a day used to happen for me!!!!
Waiting for my laundry to finish so I can go to bed.

Tomorrow I start eating food again (rather than the last several days on the HCG diet.) Looking forward to using oils and lotions and conditioners and hair products again.

I held off due to the recommendations of said diet.

-Angela

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Location: 874 - Cobalt Room

I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

( Quick 2012 RunDown. )

BOOM.
2013 arrives.

-Angela

Current Mood: thankful
Current Location: Work - Desk

The warmth of the sun shines through my office window, and I peer through it from beneath my glasses. It warms me. It’s the Winter Solstice, my favorite holiday to celebrate in a lot of ways. It’s a harsh journey to get here, to get to this day. The longest night of the year, the light waning and it feels so chilly. The clouds so grey and dull, blanketing my Seattle area world like a warm knitted scarf.
All year long I watched the wheel of the year turn, slowly, quickly, simultaneously. Life really has been something else this year. I don’t really say that every year. I had several years where life was not so exciting. Not so pivotal. Suddenly I understand the worth of those years. The worth that I thought was nothing but a source of frustration, was beyond measure and I would only come to see that now. When the converse is happening.

Change. It’s happening all over the place, it probably always is. But the last quarter of this year it has been anything but subtle for me. I started out the end of 2011 beginning my Bikram Yoga Teaching Journey. All caps to each word. I don’t even know what to say about this journey. Littered with joy and heart break. Littered with growth and things I have yet to understand about why and how it is done, what this process truly is.
I started 2012 without any clue of what was awaiting me. Friendships changed. My Grandma’s End Times started early in the year. My brother came back to the family and is finishing up the year divorcing the woman who separated him from the family. Grandma brought him back, as her last major deed, into the family again.

Court, a family divide and drama – bad people, good people. Elder abuse over the sake of money.

Walking through that door finding grandma in a state that none of us will ever forget.
That day after I taught a class Renton, we all met up for a well fare check. Ambulance ride to the hospital. I would put words to this, but I don’t think you all really need to know the nasty details. She was okay – kind of. She was never the same.
She was going to die, but that was not how it was supposed to be. Not in neglect and horror. And she didn’t die. Hardy woman. Worse yet - that Grandpa saw his wife of 60 years in this state and felt helpless to it. There no words for this kind of tragedy. But it passed, it was seen in 2012, it happened. And she recovered for a while. We kept her safe, we pulled some magic with Jill and Jeff and the court house and ingenuity and desperation to protect those who needed protection. The nasty rotting filth that found its way into the family, wormed its way into our close knit, beautiful family… well, it was dealt with. Money I had intended on going towards TT debt repayment, along with money from the Marysville people… went towards fighting this nasty, dreadful cause. Them more than me, but I did what I could.
More my time an energy would soon be drawn towards being the one that the responsibility of management of those once-stolen funds would fall into my lap. Ready or not, It was Me.

And Grandma died.
At the right time.
She was amazing until the very end. And I got to say everything - everything I wanted to say to her, before she went.
She knew what I was saying. Felt it, returned it.

"I love you more than you know," she said. An absurd woman at times, she was a gift of a human, deeply generous, spirited, beautiful. Impossible to forget her Essence, her Energy, her Love.
And this Samhain I was too busy to honor my Sacred Dead. And yet - it's better to honor them all year long, isn't it?

And then...
Being a new teacher of Bikram Yoga isn’t a picnic. Juggling it on the side of my 40 hour work week and everything else…

Whatever the case, I knew I wanted to be involved in Rite of Sol. I made it my goal. Even if I mopped the floors instead of partied on the cast. I didn’t care. I wanted to be involved this time. I sought the best person ever for my audition, Amanda. And she pulled my talent straight out of me and we made an audition. Bless her heart.
They put me on the cast. And began my journey into change. More change. The family settled. I continued to teach. I found different studios and continued to teach. My practice waned. I built a relationship with my cast mates in Rite of Sol. The Sun Shone on me. Every week I was in love with the work, but scared and unsure of myself. Always scared and unsure of me.

Regardless, I worked and learned on that show with the people who had done it before, and some of those who have not. I met new people and fell deeply fond of them.

And then we performed in the show and it was an experience that I never had before. I would go into all of it, I really would… but there’s not enough time to do that just yet. And for that period of time those people were my special family. On stage, back stage. We shared so much. Magic.
And after the show, my life was never the same. An exhausting endeavor as I took no time off work and spent the week of tech week in the theater until 10pm every day. Then the show. Then after the show, I had no lag between a double schedule of teaching.
The following 3 weeks nearly killed me. I had an ongoing cold that had caught me pretty much after August and continued through the end November. In December, finally my body fought it off. It made teaching and working and living and sorting my life so hard and draining. Coughing constantly. Stuff in my throat. And early on, losing my voice.
I didn’t feel like myself with the weird cold morphing and morphing and not getting any better.
My men had it before me, but it did seem to linger and pass along to the cast from all over. Who knows.
Goodness only knows. I had a system, a life, it worked. And then the show happened.

I wish I could write more, but perhaps not publicly, about what changed. What’s happening? But suffice to say; step by step I let life open itself up. Moment by moment I live. I just know nothing will ever be the same in my life and I am beginning to accept that change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can be in and of itself for the best even if it means a little bud into bloom pain.

The things we aren’t looking for, are the ones we need? I wasn't looking for you, MSH.
I will write about 2013 and my focus in another post. For now I will simply say I have one philosophy, outside of BALANCE – that I intend to employ for the beginning of 2013:

• I love you.
• I'm sorry.
• Please forgive me.
• Thank you.

-Angela

Today, it has become super obvious how lucky I am in a lot of respects. I have a life filled with people that are all amazing. We’re talking some seriously awesome people, all touching my life somehow. I fall in love with people very easily, for one thing. You don’t even have to be sexual with me, and I fall in love with you. This, as I see it – is only a good thing. The downside is my global reach of these people. Good, so good. Bad too, because I use the word love frequently, but not lightly. There are names for some of you, but these people are all over the World those that I *love* deeply. This means I miss them with great measure. Really, truly Miss them, with a capitol M.

I don't care about other folks who may be hesitant to express themselves as deeply or freely. Eat shit, and die. Word mechanics.

And because I went to TT, naturally my time off (paid anyway) is pretty light. I am waiting to bank more time. It happens relatively easily here at this place of employment, but at the same time I have a lot of people I want to see. People all over, like I said.
It’s worth it to have this dilemma. A few people I can think of right off, are both in and outside of the Bikram Yoga community.

There’s definitely Katty, Thomas, Gordon, Olga, Nancy, Ula, and yes I will be seeing Ann-Marie soon here at TT, and SALLIE!!!

And then there’s my CGW crew. Focusing on my Yoga-sphere, I have been unable to see Steve and Erin, Rachelle, Matty, and many others… due to this dilemma of awesome all over my life. I Miss them too!

Due to the yoga-rific parts of my life, I’ve been definitely hitting the plans to see first and foremost, Katty. She’s the most local. Vancouver BC is a stone throw away from the Seattle area. I also need to make time to fly down to San Fran eventually and pester Thomas. But that’s later. And of course, Gordon wants me to teach at his studio in NZ (yes you read that right) eventually.

And then there are those outside of the country (like Gordon.) Karoline, Renata, people I don’t know the nature or probability of seeing any time soon.
Anyway. This post really has more to do with the fact that there are people I am dying to see, miss seeing, am blessed to have spent everyday time with them for a period of time. I knew I was lucky with the opportunity at Teacher Training. I knew it was a beautiful thing, even if it was hard, a bit pain staking a times…
In other news.

It is also hard to squeeze in traveling sometimes, due to my life situations. Teaching, working at the Quah, taking care of the family right now. But fortunately for me, tomorrow I fly to LA to visit Spring Teacher Training 2012, to be on the “other” side, and later in the month, 21-24th, I will be going to Vancouver BC to see Aussie Joel and Katty once again – and mayyyybe, if I am lucky… Rachelle?! We’ll see.

The nature of this post definitely mirrors the fact that one day, I want to see these people again. And I want to keep them close to me somehow, even though I can’t see all of them immediately.

I think it’s possible. :)

If you are one of the people I have fallen for, don’t worry. I intend on finding you again :)
You may or may not know who you are.
And yes. Some of you are local to Seattle too. ;)

-Angela

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Work - CHNW

My run schedule is working beautifully. My stamina is coming back quickly after taking a short spell off due to hamstring paranoia. Hamstring is healing beautifully also. I switched Yoga with a Run because I could not Run yesterday, and that is fine.

IT FEELS SO GOOD.

I feel great. I am going to do this. The mileage is my commitment, I want to advance beyond the 3-5 mile range. I have stayed there for a few years and I am really looking to see what I can do. So right now, I am going to build my base up all over again, trust in myself, and once the consistency sets in and I feel like my entire body has become acclimated enough (particularly the soft tissues and tendons) - then I will begin adding more than 5 miles in. I am so excited for this notion.

I will continue doing yoga alongside this - it is good for both performance, maintenance, and of course, who can live without YOGA?!!??!

But putting running into the forefront of my workout routine again (feels blissful, for one) and for two, it also opens up more time in my life for the rest of the stuff that is important to me. Men. Studying Deacon role. My dogs. My house, making it better. My family. All of those things need time, and with the Issaquah job and the teaching, I need to pack more stuff in shorter amounts of time. Perhaps one day Rite of Sol (even if I am just a crew member, I don't care!!! I'm going to be involved if they'll have me! Mop the floors. Wipe the ass of the crew. Doesn't matter). The ideal, I think - is if they would use me for pretty movement pieces. But who knows! I just want to be a part of it, and have since the very beginning (Rite of Luna). I just wasn't able to prior. Felt like the universe was standing in my way. Now I wish I had.

All good. Whatever the case, my friends are talented - and I am proud of both Melissa and Jon for being a driving force behind some truly amazing rock operas.
It really does blow my mind.

And of course, everyone else involved.

Tonight, Jim and I got many things accomplished. First, we went to the dealership to tie up some loose ends. They had my new plates, got them, and a check reimbursing some of my registration. Yippee!!! A check. And then I whined about the tinting appointment. They agreed to get it in tomorrow. And then we whined about how the oil change people decided they weren't willing to honor my car. Soooo........ Jim bitched more, because they were only going to reimburse me $151 for it, he convinced them to write me a $200 check to cover a full year's oil changes. This is coming to me tomorrow when I drop Sunshine off to get her shades on. ;)

I hope this looks good, and not gaudy. We'll see. And after tomorrow I can pick my nose in my car all I want again. I was really missing that feature of Classy. Just kidding. hehehehe.

Oh yeah. Then we went and had chickenwings at WingDome. We tried to find the pizza place that we had our first date at (it was the only thing open after Jim's Gamestop shift the night we met up). I think it finally shut down, sad. Seeing as our 6 year anniversary is on Saturday. It is okay, we were like 2 doors down from where it was.

AND THEN, we went to Macy's to take back the court outfit that wasn't quite right. As in, blazer sleeves were too short and the skirt had a tiny rip in the ass. I was pissed about that. The whole ensemble was AWESOME. And now there isn't anything there that I like. CRAP. I will have to go back and look again, for our second court date in June. (It has been post poned). And then it will look like I have expensive clothes galore seeing as I will definitely have another outfit by the time late June rolls around for this occassion....!!!

OH, And then....... I had to buy cute sandals because my feet have been suffocating and I am now sick of buying shitty shoes that I do not like. And I will wear them to work and if anyone gives me shit for having feminine stuff, they can suck it. Because I am a girly girl, even if I work in IT. Fuck off.

:D Happy times. I would write about my awful Sunday, but I am too happy right now.

And then I ran tonight before I came to write this and was proud that I didn't use the 15 excuses I could have, to get out of it. 9PM, I was strong and just relaxed. Wham bam, the miles done. Happy.

-Angela

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Home (874) - Cobalt Room

I spend an insurmountable amount of time contemplating something useless: my own intelligence. Firstly, as a Yogini, I very well know not to compare myself against myself or others. It’s a fruitless pursuit, and countless (SERIOUSLY) hours on the mat have taught me this. Today, I feel ready to drop that fruitless pursuit regarding the intelligence. Who cares if I am slow memorizing? It’s not a race. Who cares if I don’t know what the fuck I am doing in the OTO right away? It’s not a race. How about stop WORRYING about it, and allow it to happen organically. Forcing it to happen? Bad juejue.

Back to my point. Perhaps my Yoga path will continue to improve, and I have hopes that my Deacon study (newly minted, this time is for real) can be re-aligned. The first time I was terrified. (I am still terrified. I don't got to lie to kick it - memorization terrifies me.) Ask my friends who knew me at Teacher Training what THAT looks like. Oi, the memories.

The first time I wanted to memorize the Deacon role, I could not even comprehend how to start.
Bonus: I have a LOT of memorization under my belt now, with the Bikram Yoga Teaching. Turning me loose to my own devices wasn’t working very well whatever year that was. 09? I can't remember. I am still ashamed I went away in the first place. I pretend that I am not, but this? The Truth. As the Deacon lines sat in front of me, I’d stare at it, not even know where to begin. Thank goodness someone this time said simple, “the 11 collects.”

Now looking at them… yes they are wordy and difficult. But they can very easily be broken down. And I can take literally as long as I need. Providing I am using 100% effort and commitment to get there, I will actually succeed. Maybe 110% effort, but – not in a half a second. English Bulldog determination – it’s time to draw on it and to stop judging myself against others in the Order, and against myself at the end of the day. I am Me and I should learn to get back to total Respect of myself, and give me some personal Love. Not in the dirty way, but in the honest to goodness “you are allowed to learn and here is some space for that.” Sort of way. Drop all the other Bullshit. All the worry, all the wasted energy and lack of time spent due to FEAR>. Fear nothing.

I stepped away for years simply because I couldn’t comprehend the notion of breaking it down. Had I begun then, I would already be there now. I’m not going to do that same thing twice. It is time. And I do think I can continue work on the Dialogue simultaneously. Oh, and the bullshit about insecurity and thinking I should change? Fuck it. I’m done. I am who I am. I gotta stop being resistant of who that is.

-Angela

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Work - SideB

I am preparing a running schedule soon. I miss it so.very.much, and have not been making it my priority. It’s been 3 years of stagnation in my mileage and speed. I am mostly looking to add miles. The runner in me is restless. I can do better without hurting myself, absolutely. Once my hamstring behaves and is 93% healed. Maybe even 99% healed. I am dying to finally progress. And it all starts with consistency, and weeks and weeks of slow progression. So I am drawing up a schedule. If I need to get up early to accomplish it; I will.
I really like a schedule; but it must also be flexible. This is how I have found my best success.
Later I will begin alternating Yoga weeks with the CT (strength) training weeks. Right now I am taking a strength training hiatus due to it being very lower body intensive. I may have to do upper body separate. Jury is out. I was just getting my guns back when I strained my hamstring but I do it a full body Circuit and always have, and haven't adjusted to more Upper only in my CT...

For April I need to make it happen, so I have drawn up something that looks very cool. Also noted when I run more, I actually get more time to do other things. It takes a lot less time than Yoga unfortunately. I figure on my SUPERB weeks, I will hit up the yoga studio as much as possible on wildcard days.

This is mostly for me, because I am quite sure no one else cares.
Rundown:

Sunday RUN
Monday YOGA
Tuesday RUN
Wednesday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/Slowly retroduce CT
Thursday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/CT
Friday Wildcard day – OFF/Yoga/RUN/CT
Saturday RUN

Wildcard days are designed for my flexibility situation.
I want at least 3 days definite runs per week, and as for my yoga schedule. Yes, it’s taking a hit for now. This is definitely a lot less Yoga than my typical situation. I know.
I will try to get in the studio as much as possible on the wildcard days – mostly designed to allow flexibility with the other shit going on.
Any time I can squeeze a yoga class in on a Run day is all the better, also. But I won't put that in the schedule as it's only a bonus situation to make me get some yoga in. The more yoga the better, as always.

Perhaps later I will make a Deacon schedule to force myself to start memorizing or figuring out how to make steps towards Mass involvement.
All in due time. My path to that is obviously quite slow and stately.

That’s all.
Another boring workout post.

-Angela

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Work - Desk
Current Music: Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

Brilliant contrasts in my life at the moment. I can’t say I mind it. I have my city job, tech support. I have my Yoga Teaching, healing and connection to my fellow humans. Both are about connection – and yet one feels pretty disconnected until you put my personality into it. I think city government has its share of disconnection. Or maybe that’s how I feel about all the changes happening here at the city. A lot of disconnection… Stressful times here, I can’t deny – and my department isn’t even under the heat. I think it is the fact there is a new city administrator and he has now begun implementing changes that a massive 1 year long brainstorming session has brought to him.

I want to be here, that is certain. I’ll continue to roll with the intuitive sense that has given me everything, and I mean everything – I needed in the right time. I’m just here to say it’s a little bit of a stressful time to be an employee here. Layoffs, people butting their heads’ into different places, cut throat “I’m important, look at why,”s all over. That’s all I will say on this, specifically. And I feel it. I go all over the city; I touch every department in my work. I like it that way – a lot, but sometimes it has its downsides.

Drama and relentlessness. I have been here 10 years now.
When I leave and go directly to teach some yoga – it amazes me the feelings I have. Starkly contrasting. Maybe that’s where the contrast is. I just love how it feels to connect with students and I love how when I have a rough day at Issaquah, it turns around the moment I step off the podium from teaching. It erases everything, resets everything – even if the things that come out of my mouth aren’t as smooth as they could be, I find myself smiling anyway and not taking a single thing seriously – as long as my students get their yoga and I am doing my best, that is enough to make me smile, to make me relax. It takes energy, definitely – but it’s a labor of love. And when I say a labor of love, I mean all dimensions of this. There’s not quite a way to put it into words.

I’ve taught quite a few classes now – not quite as much as the full time teachers who came down from my training – but more than some of my fellow trainees also.
I’m accepting myself as a teacher and what I have to offer and my personality that shines through the dialogue and the methods that work for me when I am up there. Maybe sometimes I lose the words at times, but most of the time I find I step up there and the dialogue is behind me, ushering me forward and giving me just what I need to give my students what they need.

I love it, I love it, I love it.
This even so – I am not particularly keen on the notion of leaving my position at the City for this job. It is not the path for me right now – if ever. A lot of people think it must be all or nothing. I know I went to a more than average intensive training to do this. This was for me, and also for my students. Weekend certifications linger all over, but what good is something that you don’t work for? HIGHEST LEVEL OF QUALIFICATION - is key for me. And an actual Yoga lineage.

I can say with utmost certainty I worked harder than I’ve worked for anything to get this Bikram Yoga Teaching Certification. I gave more sweat, tears, ups and downs, self realization moments than anything else I’ve ever tried to do. I gave more of my personal time and cash, disconnection from my whole universe… I kept a few threads of ties back home, but for the most part I did allow myself the immersion of the YogaPlanet that Bikram, Rajashree, Emmy, and his staff creates at every training.

So while I did this, and it’s unusual – it was never the idea for sure to leave my day job and go do this. Do I want to drive all over this area to catch classes at 5 different studios, push push push to make it happen and earn 1/3 busting my ass doing that – 1/3 of my income than I do here? I learned for the first time ever the “push, push, push” element of life flow, is not the same as pushing in Camel pose. At all. Or would I rather be busy in the happiest, predictable ways – earning even more money than I would at Issy alone – helping me recoup the financial burden that going to training did pose? Pardon the pun there.

No, the Karma Yoga aspect of teaching without feeling I must rely on it for full time income really takes a lot of pressure off in certain aspects – and is in alignment with what I want to do right now. And in other aspects, it creates more for obvious 1.5 jobs reasons. But then again – envision that I have now diversified my skill-sets and this is one more piece of insurance for the rest of my life I carry. I have another skill outside of IT should I ever need to make it on that alone. It’s not about leaving the IT industry… it’s not about sticking with it… it’s just about taking myself where I feel is right, and right now everything is happening Right for me.

I’ve invested a long time waiting for shit to align. It was in 2007 when I first started feeling like shit fell apart and needed a course correction. So I thought I would train to enter police academy. I gave this my 120% effort. Until in 2008, early – right before I went to test and would have passed because I was a fucking workout machine (in every way you can imagine, seriously – fuck modesty, I had it going on) – the knee injury happened. April 2008. This changed everything. The real course redirection happened. 2 years of holding pattern, frustration, very slow and steady shifts that would one day take me to the notion that I should give up on later going to teacher training. Only for 2011 to come along and blow me out of the water with the opportunity of 10 years vacation time and the off chance my boss APPROVED and his bosses – the vacation from the last 10 years remaining on the books – to be taken at once, giving me the open and clear way to head to Teacher Training Fall 2011.
Now everything is referenced – as before TT Fall 2011, and After. Well! I’ll be damned!!! Rather, Blessed.
So my course re directions kept me here at Issaquah and I had no idea why, for a long time. Hind-sight, sitting in a hotel room (room 453, Radisson LAX, to be precise) I pieced together some mysteries that eluded me for months and months and maybe painstaking weeks in the years prior.

I’ve learned from this. Things are how they are sometimes – to set you up for a better deal than you could have imagined. I don’t fight for shit, but work with the flow and push at the right times, now.

Some of my friends at TT bitched and moaned, but I was just in awe of what was happening to me, in spite of some of the worst moments of TT. There were some hum-dinger shitty moments, and without my external threads, the support networks, I might have literally gone insane. Flying Jim in for weekend #4, I think it was… who knows. It was well worth the cash to do that.

At times I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself during the TT process. At times I wish I really knew how to let things go and stop worrying about how fast everyone else learned and how slow I learned… but hey, that’s a major issue I have.
I think I’m slower than everyone else. But I have some shit together and I can’t complain and now I’m a teacher and people thank me and smile on their way out the door from my class with genuine appreciation behind those smiles. I’m changing lives through bringing the yoga to people so they can change their lives through their own practices.
This is why I wanted to become a teacher. And I’m doing it.
Maybe that’s why I feel so much joy – I know I’m doing what I wanted to do, the underlying alignment behind it all. I’m growing, myself - the whole time and I can’t help it. I love being around people, I love talking to people, working with people. Sometimes people hurt me, a lot – because I care so much about people. I’m not one of these folks doing the Yoga Teaching for my aggrandizement … it’s a form of generosity that I specifically feel is my Karma Yoga.

The generosity of Bikram Yoga is that it frees people up to live their True Will, as I see it. It’s 110% this. And if standing up and giving people my energy with the dialogue and my heart with the dialogue is how I can affect people to reach their True Will………..

This is what makes me so very happy.

-Angela

Current Mood: chipper
Current Location: Work - Desk
Current Music: Evolve - Gaia Consort

6 classes are on my schedule for this yoga teaching week for me. I am so happy about this. Last time I taught 6 in a 4 day span, my teaching changed and I stopped sounding as rough around the edges when I replayed my recording of my classes.

On Thursday - weather permitting, begins my Yoga teaching week. YogaMonday. It's equipped with an immediate mentor class, which is fitting for a Monday. One of those things that I detest. Rates up there with root canals and a punch in the face. That's okay! I'm muddling through mentor-ship. I look forward to this week, I teach a double on Saturday and a double on Sunday. It's a shitty deal that my first class of the week is the "mentor" class, but it is what it is. I tend to warm up and get words back loaded into my brain, even though I study during the week. Sometimes.

This week I haven't been studying as much, even if I was ambitious last week. I can't deny it. I fully enjoyed stepping away, 100%, last weekend. 3 day weekend, blissful.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday were hard to get back into gear.
I think my brain is struggling sometimes to stay focused on studying when I get a spare minute. It's okay though.

Been pretty happy lately... got some great friends around, having the right relationship experiences for this period of my life - not overdoing it. It seems a friend of mine said he would imagine I'd have the pick of the men I'd want. This wasn't really something that I felt I had. And yet ever since I went away to TT, it's like my clear everything (chakras, life purpose, commitment, whatever) is causing me to be more attractive than I think I have ever been in my life. It has nothing to do with the physical, but people have been drawn to me lately. I'm so unused to it, so unprepared, all of it. Men abound. This isn't bad. My fragile ego could use a boost. It's becoming less fragile, after all. Teaching, with all its perils, is changing me. TT did change me. And yet I only have time and energy for a select amount of relationship/interaction/whatever the fuck you want to call it - with men. There's my main squeeze, Jim - the wonderful, who is actually a lot less in regards of energy to maintain at times... and one other person. I'm honestly not interested, nor have the energy, focus, inclination to expand beyond this currently. I need time to study, I need time to teach, I need time to work, and while it appears I'm attractive and desirable to a number of people that I may or may not find engaging in this fashion, I simply do not have more of me to go around. Take that as nastily as you like. Also, I've always been a simple creature in this respect. This is why while I've been poly a long time, there has always been that frequent rumor about my monogamous nature. Hahaha.

*shrugs* What can I say... but who knows. I also hate that I have so much propensity for relationship access (it feels weird even writing about this in a way, but here it is, like always, out in the open) and yet Jim is kind of on the down side of that. He claims the women out there in the poly community are not nearly as attractive as the men that I have available. I'm not so sure this is true. There's me, after all..........

None the less. When you sit in your house, on your computer, for most of your off hours - rather than spending months immersed in variant communities, both poly and not poly - communities, well. You get what you get. And yet the disparity still remains. I try not to worry too heavily on this; that issue is definitely his personal issue. But it remains - I will always care, and that is the issue. I care a lot about his feelings. ;)

And while you could say my crowds are suited to this situation - I find it is also a numbers game, just like monogamous dating. Not that I play games, and not that it is about numbers. It is sheer happenstance for me, and at times I felt I would remain single'y poly. Meaning, just with my main squeeze. *(I hate the term primary partner.......I donno why).
Also, lately - I am managing to see friends that matter to me, all kinds of friends. Perhaps my study time suffers, but my heart doesn't for these friends build me a solid, contented place from which to draw my energy off of. And lastly, I am managing my workouts the best I can, trying to maintain my own practice, run a little, CT a little. Nuts. I tell you. Nuts.
So, it's been blowing my mind the number of men interested, and it is all because I am out living my life, feeling my purpose, and happy to touch the lives of others - completely preoccupied with life rather than dating. That is for certain. And what does "dating" mean anyway? Classification gets messier and messier if you get too attached to it. That's also certain.

Some days, I am so busy. I know I am miserable when I am not busy. This also is true. And I have a lot of ambitions that are in the pike for 2012. Honestly. I'm terrified in a sense. I want to get more involved in the Mass team, I want to deacon. But also, I am really, seriously considering attempting the whole "Rite of Sol" involvement this year. I'm not sure how, what, or where in my right mind I think I can do all of this. But I actually, truly, think I can find a way to make it all happen. I keep putting that positive affirmation out there, and truly believing inside, deep down too. Does that make me clinically insane? Memorize, memorize, memorize. Memorize. Explosive things in my life. I'm sick of sitting on my spiritual journey and stuffing it into a box that is there "if I have time." When I was at TT, the first two weeks reminded me of how much I have been stuffing it into the background of my life. That is why these other two things are coming to the forefront... but how the fuck do I think I can do all this? I think I can. It's so very weird, but I think I can squeeze it all in. I guess that's my lot in life. I'm not satisfied unless I'm taking on things that are big, exciting, new, growth oriented. Sit me in a corner and leave me inside my house and I'll turn into a crazy lady. REALLY. Let me out and let me take on things that scare the shit out of me, feel above my level, and give me something to reach for... and I'm blissed out. Just don't criticize me. I'll bawl behind your back, smiling to your face. A weakness I have.

This year I am also very aware that I need to work on "getting out of my head." All the important and even some not so important people lately have been giving me the knowing eye ball look, and mentioning how "in my head," I am. Like. 6 different people in 2 weeks... look, Universe. I get it. I promise to work on it this year. 2012. Out of my mind. Get with getting out of my mind. Got it.

A big one? I'm also blown away by the quality of people in my life these days. It's been messing with my mind. I have some really amazing connections, and I am grateful for all of them. Everyday.

-Angela

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Work - Desk
Current Music: Be Yourself - Audioslave

( A lengthy, wandering post. )

-Angela

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Work - Desk

SPARE TIME! I could be studying, but today I need to write a little more. This week has been great. I was super tired on Saturday, and particularly Sunday morning. My whole being was a little fatigued; I think it was the yoga catching up with me. 50some classes in 5 weeks will do that to you, I suppose. But Monday went well. Nailed Cobra – I did well. I felt like myself while delivering the posture and something about the way my voice echoed in the cabana of the posture clinic room was pretty impressive. Like somehow in that moment I heard myself, I was stepping up and taking ownership of my future in teaching.
Then we had a hot class with Bikram but Bikram was too tired and unhappy about how hot it was and his AC on the podium wasn’t working properly. I laughed a lot because he was fucking with his ice bucket and the microphone was catching it and amplifying his ice pilfering throughout the class. That made me amused. Then we didn’t have posture clinic after class, but lecture/movie. That was awesome as far as I was concerned. Then we only stayed up until 1AM – which honestly is not that late in this yoga bubble.
I had even had a chance between studying and eating and lecture, to hit a nap. I was energetic through the movie session. But then we went to bed early at 1AM… got up and Tuesday started. A nice lady taught – the same lady who I delivered Cobra to. I had a good class and while my tendon felt a little tender (more than it has in weeks) I figured I’d take it easy on those tendon oriented postures and rock out the rest. That worked.

Then we had lecture!!!! MORE TIME TO STUDY BEFORE posture clinic, so I was happy. Emmy lectured and I always enjoy these lectures. A lot of people don’t…….. I take a lot of notes on what Emmy speaks about. They are the things I used to spend my spare time researching just for fun, but she is talking about them. Bodies and problems and what’s what. I’m happy about this sort of thing, but a lot of people ignore it and write it off as useless.

Then Emmy decided to do Spine Twist adjustments. One by one. THIS IS TEDIOUS for a crowd to sit through, but I was just happy to not be delivering Locust just yet. At the end, my buddies were getting cranky. I also visited some other people during this time and there were people doing a lot of complaining today. I felt rested, fresh, happy to be here today – but as more and more people around me expressed negativity, the more and more I felt my glow start to wane. And what I think bothers me is when people are knocking the experience here altogether. I’m here and every day I feel really glad I came here, even when things get hard. I am glad I left my everyday Issaquah grind to do, think, feel something ANYTHING other than IT work. This whole thing, not going to the office for 9 weeks straight is so valuable to me, I can’t put it into words. And trying to express this, someone of course said something like, “well you better change your life.” Or “get a new job.” You don’t know anything about my life, you don’t know anything about what I went through to get here and what this means to me. Funny – its easy for people to make comments when they know NOTHING about your life, isn’t it?

The negativity at times drags at me. The gossip. It’s like someone cracks the seal on me sometimes and slowly pours out my life force… I’m not seniorita optimistic, but I am so happy to be here, happy I got to do this, still in disbelief that this is my life, that I really get to work on this. I know it’s not as bad as I imagined it to be, to go through all this – so I try and carry myself through with these thoughts… not the converse. I just want to have fun, not to wallow in my own misery… which this is honestly not that miserable. Sure, there’s some ridiculous bullshit that goes on here. I’m not going to lie. There’s extremely irritating things that happen. But I know personally I will miss the company, the people I’ve gotten to know – the ease of calling any of these people up and being able to meet in the hallway at any time without spending a fuckton of money to visit them.
I miss Jim a lot because now I know why I’m so drawn to him. He is always there to fill up my energetic cup. He’s always a source of brilliant, beautiful, energy. His life perspective and his natural way of making things make sense are beyond valuable. I don’t think I’ll be able to come home and look at him the same ever again. Attitude is contagious. I choose to be around him; I’d rather be someone that people only remember laughing around – rather than anything else. And right now I’m having to dig deep and fill my own cup up. But he’s always a phone call away.

Right now all I can see and hear is the echos of his smile and giggles. It’s a relief to leave the lecture behind me and be ready for our class at 5PM.

I know personally I will miss a lot of things here. And to those who won’t miss the company, the silly jokes and memories being created… wow.

As I wrote on my facebook status (want to save it for LJ reading later):
The words we say, the energy we put out - is connected between each and every one of us. Sitting in a chair for a couple of hours is a small task to be asked of us compared to what real hardships exist in this World. I am here to follow my passion - and sometimes it's easy to lose sight of it through the energetic pollution of cranky folks. So I'm reaffirming that I am so lucky to be here - so lucky to get the chance to become a teacher and one day give to students that I haven't even met yet. Such deep gratitude for this opportunity in my life. It would make me nothing more joyful than to serve in this Yoga.

-Angela

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: Los Angeles, California

I’m flying over California right now. It’s been a bit of a head trip. Leavenworth was fun with Barry and Jim, but I was ready to get away from having a “guest” in my home and ready to get out of town. Was hard to say goodbye to Jim and really get all touchy feely with us distracted maybe a little, but the trip was really nice. I was very excited when Barry initially told us he would be in town months ago, and then I found out I was going to go to training and realized his original visit was going to land in the middle of training. I was so sad. Then when Jim spoke with Barry, he rescheduled it so I could see him just a little bit before I left! I was so excited. I love Barry. He’s a good guy, and we always have fun with him. It feels good to have gained family through Jim. Barry is interesting. Parts about him do drive me nuts (he’s a neat freak, my house is never neat). Parts about him are endearing. He’s always smiling and chuckling and he doesn’t mind our humor.
So, the reschedule and the day or so I really got to spend with the 2 of them together was great. The last night at home was rough. When we got home late evening, I finished my packing and immediately was feeling strange. First off, on the drive home I started feeling ucky. I didn’t particularly feel nervous… mostly just having PMS symptoms. Now, normally they’re mild. And I didn’t know they were PMS symptoms.
At home I was definitely ansty. Barry and Jim were content to just sit around after I finished packing. I couldn’t do that. My running shoes are in LA, and were last night too. I opted to throw my othodics in my regular tennis shoes and hit Gilman Blvd. Run away everything, right? That’s how I handle any situation where I’m going through stuff.

While it was risky – changing footwear for me with my previous knee/foot history is ballzy. I know that a lot of people wouldn’t quite understand this… but I was so desperate to run that I took the risk.
It had started raining when we got home, and so I ran in the rain and it was beautiful.
Had to keep it short; my tendons signaled to me that “hey, bitch. How are you going to change up your shoes on me?! We’re here and we don’t like it.” So I cut it short and just a few miles. I’d have loved to hit 5 miles – I could have ran forever to drown out the din of Angelica and my monkey brain. (Angelica is the bitch me who isn’t very compassionate or nice to me – remember the bully from Rugrats? I’ve named my mean me Angelica). I hate her.

So anyway, drowning out her annoyingness with a run helped. But I found I was still overtly emotional even when I got home. Was hard to express myself with Barry there, but finally Jim and I talked before bed. I felt ridiculous for the things I was focusing on, considering I know there are bigger concerns for me. But, I let them be. And now I feel clearer for it. Especially since immediately on the other side of the security, at the gate – I found out I’m on day 1 of my period. Then it all made sense.
Nina mentioned something I very much like the idea of:

“you can also look at it as a good luck sign: your pulling in all your goddess energy as you embark on this spiritual quest..”

I’ll take this one. I like it. I mean, I’ll be on the red wave for my first class – and you know what? That’s fine. I believe each thing happens for a reason, and I enjoy believing it is my feminine power preparing me for this. It’s 10:30 now, I have 1 hour until we land in Southern California – 7 minutes away from where I will be staying until late November. Life is pretty amazing. I can only look back on my dark times and be blown away by what cliff I am standing at now. It’s just amazing. I know I already said that… but words can’t describe it. There are people down there waiting for me, people who want to meet me, people who will love me upon my arrival. I get choked up fast.
And you know, take off was crazy. I do feel my emotions are under a thin veil, just below the surface… I was watching every second as we took off and tears were close! It was hard to say goodbye to Jim. It was surreal to say goodbye to my dogs. I didn’t feel like being uber choked up, but I really could not dally saying goodbye – I knew I would cry if I did. I didn’t even watch him drive away… I was distracted though by trying to check my bag… the whole ordeal, just a strange haze. Security went without a hitch, although these particular pants are kinda loose without a belt. I just can’t wait to have all of my belongings in my room, know who my room mate is, and then get with the yogasphere people. My personal Hogwarts. Heidi says Bikram is excited for this session. I hope he gives us everything that he thinks we need most! No matter what that is. I have faith in this, and I will trust in the process a thousand, one hundred, and eleven times over. Even this whole right near my flight gate flow – I am trusting in that too.

I do regret not spending an hour or so more one on one just sit tight and close to Jim time. But I guess that wasn’t where I was at. I did enjoy making him straighten the back of my hair with my hair straightener this morning! Haha. Oh boy, it was cute ;) I had this idea as I was doing my hair (yes I straightened my hair for this meeting of all my new friends occasion).
Jeez I wish I had someone who could get the back of my hair moment.. oh look, there’s my man! ;)

A very special one at that. I kinda get choked up when I think about how I already miss him and I’m only on the plane. Look, my eyes are shiny now! It’s not that I miss him in the now per se, but I know I’ll miss him to pieces… okay, maybe I miss him a little right now. Must not think about it though! I’m tearing up! See, thin veil. The emotions are pretty high. All kinds! This isn’t bad, I’m just unaccustomed to so much happening at the pivotal “emotional” part of my cycle maybe? I have no idea!!!!! It is what it is.

Ah there, See normal eye balls are back.
Needless to say… studying the dialogue seemed really hard to do… so I did what any crazy person would do. I paid for on flight wifi. And here I am.
Landing in less than an hour…

Until next time, folks. It’s about to get REAL.

-Angela

Current Mood: sensitive
Current Location: In the air over Central California
Current Music: Be yourself - Audioslave

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Overcoming.

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April, Glasses, Creeping up to 7 years with Jimmers

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Here's my chance!

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I use the word Love frequently, but not Lightly.

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