May is coming, and with May, time off is coming. I need it desperately. I’m sensitive right now. Easily harmed through unintended means by those around me. One could call it Moody. I don’t believe I am typically Moody, because this past 2 weeks has shown me what Moody really looks like. Jim – what you experience living with me doesn’t count ;) (It’s okay, he doesn’t read this shit I write anyway.)
So, I was all ready to be relaxed and allow myself space to memorize deacon stuff on my own capacity. The best I can do. And then a syntax – writing error caused me to think someone thought I shouldn’t even be in the OTO (I’m not pointing fingers, this is just how the moody idiot in me processed commentary) if I have a fear of memorizing.
I was quite happy and cheerful for a minute when I realized I was picking up the first collect, “the Sun” pretty quickly. My Bikram memorizing was already coming in handy! The pain staking hours of torture in and out of the Yoga room were paying off somewhere else also! My investment! My thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours were coming through for me again!!!!!!
And then I misunderstood about someone else misunderstanding me, and my heart sank and I returned for a few hours, to my usual self. Lower cased “s” in self. The self that abuses me, the self that tells me that I’m a loser – that only the real intellects deserve to go on these journeys. BULLSHIT> self imposed lies. I am worthy of this.
I am 110% worthy of it, and there is nothing wrong with what I have upstairs. This is an affirmation I will be working on as much as possible.
Speaking with Jim, again to bring him up – he informed me that MAYBE, just maybe – everyone is supportive of me and that my response, reactions, and feelings are a product of a high level of pressure on me, of STRESS. A ton of things going on, teaching, working at Issaquah, balancing my hours to try and handle social security office visits, getting my elderly Grandpa out of the house to deal with them, being told to come back more than once from those DMV flunkies, managing a reverse lookup situation with every single bill, one by one – for my grandparents. Getting to the bank, dealing with all kinds of business. Balancing a lack of time to clean my house, the messy house part is something that makes me feel out of control with my life, even if I am quite in control of my life, it's just that when my house is messy, I feel awful – simultaneously taking on way too many classes in the last 2 weeks teaching the yoga – managing a minor injury preventing me from my usual coping mechanisms. The crazy that is held at bay by working out so regularly.
And then some. More, there’s more and I can’t list it all out. A restless anger was boiling beneath the surface all last week.
And so Jim mentioned, indicated one thing: and Now? On top of all this, you want to enact more spiritual growth and you’re unsure of how this will go for yourself – and you wonder why you are reacting, being human?
It was a rather sweet moment of him, it made me realize how important his support is. He never once gives me shit for being more involved in other things outside of he and I. He is very flexible with our time.
Needless to say, May is coming.
In May, I take off for Los Angeles to visit teacher training,!!!! to be reunited with my bestie Katty from Vancouver and Lacy from Vegas (Lacy, I know her less than Katty) from May 9-12th.) Don’t burgle my house, folks, Jimmers will be home and yes, he has a Mossburg.
If you don’t know what a Mossburg is… nevermind.
Following this trip, I am driving Sunshine up across the border to meet Aussie Joel from May 21-24th or something like that, to Vancouver, with my new passport, and will also see Katty again. (Seriously. I'm stoked.) If I am lucky, the sun will be out and I can drop the top the whole way up to the border, ey?
The time off Issaquah is very needed, I am beginning to see. And my closest bit of peace will happen later this month, April.
Jim and I celebrate 6 years together on April 21st. Six Years!!! Yeay! We will be taking a long weekend to go to Mossyrock, WA to some bed and breakfast place I don’t know – I booked it through a groupon like thing. I look forward to it a lot, and I think WE, he and I - really could use a chance to get away.
Also given my new commitment to Deacon study, and life at large, I refuse to take on more than what my standard classes have been.
Extra cash is great, but not if I’m going to hate my life, and certainly not at the cost of DeaconStudy. (First and foremost the new studying,) And also, my students deserve me teaching from my heart, and not out of any other obligation. I have in the past, given a lot of thought (I overthink everything, seriously) as to why this part time teaching right now is how I do it.
The teaching for the most selfless way possible for me, is part of it. This is why I do not teach full time, and why I do not intend on, at this time, making Teaching yoga my livelihood.
As for more coverage for other teachers; not unless I am really in the mood, and then I refuse to take on more than 4 classes in a week anymore. I want to help people out so much, that sometimes I can be *persuaded* into covering a class for somebody here or there, even and in spite of the fact teaching the class doesn't actually work so well for me. This happened twice in two weeks with a couple of different classes, including causing me to take on an extra mentor class. (Not what I need, really). I won't write how I personally feel about mentorship. It wouldn't be a good public statement.
4 is my magic number for teaching on the side of Issaquah. Quite frankly, I will not be keen on covering the 830PM classes particularly for people. Maybe once in a great while. It is just too much difficulty and drains me, when I have a work day the next day. I get in to the office at Issaquah between 715-730AM. It used to 7, but then I kept pushing it back.
I am trying to get it closer to 7AM again. It all depends on my snooze button. *sheepish face*
Regardless. The last 2 weeks have taught me my teaching limit on the side of my FT job. I don’t get any time for me, decompression time, anything – when I teach as much as I have been. The paycheck will be great. I am considering getting my brother a VISA gift card so he can book a massage appointment with the most awesome masseuse ever with some of the extra cash. He needs it!!!!!
How grateful I am to have him back with the family and being true to himSelf … he is going to be such a strong guy after all this personal crap he has been facing last decade. I am proud of him. And I adore him as a person. He is a good man.
He deserves the best, and I can see he is getting closer to that every week. Happiness is important.
That is why I won’t be taking on that many 830pm classes in a row ever again. It is making me unhappy, fast.
PS. And now I know why I proof read my blog 20 times normally. Guess yesterday I squeezed it in, posted, and did not proof read. Go figure. And I doubt I will proof read this 20 times either due to working at work. Go figure.