angelak | Entries tagged with oto

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I used to always write them up in MS Word first, but it seems that's creating resistance as to getting back into my LJ flow here. So I'm going straight to the LJ browser and going to hit this LJ stuff again! I'm tired of my forgetful nature and if I don't journal, I literally will have a harder time remembering what was going through my head when I look back. 2013 I want to get serious again about LJ. I know some of you are still out there. And if you're not... I write to myself. This is a public, but I think my privacy friends locked posts will become more ubiquitous. there's a lot of stuff that I see happening in the next 12 months, and some of it isn't going to be stuff I want the entire world to read about.

( Quick 2012 RunDown. )

BOOM.
2013 arrives.

-Angela

Current Mood: thankful
Current Location: Work - Desk

It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela

Current Mood: thankful
Current Location: Work - Desk

May is coming, and with May, time off is coming. I need it desperately. I’m sensitive right now. Easily harmed through unintended means by those around me. One could call it Moody. I don’t believe I am typically Moody, because this past 2 weeks has shown me what Moody really looks like. Jim – what you experience living with me doesn’t count ;) (It’s okay, he doesn’t read this shit I write anyway.)

So, I was all ready to be relaxed and allow myself space to memorize deacon stuff on my own capacity. The best I can do. And then a syntax – writing error caused me to think someone thought I shouldn’t even be in the OTO (I’m not pointing fingers, this is just how the moody idiot in me processed commentary) if I have a fear of memorizing.

I was quite happy and cheerful for a minute when I realized I was picking up the first collect, “the Sun” pretty quickly. My Bikram memorizing was already coming in handy! The pain staking hours of torture in and out of the Yoga room were paying off somewhere else also! My investment! My thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours were coming through for me again!!!!!!

And then I misunderstood about someone else misunderstanding me, and my heart sank and I returned for a few hours, to my usual self. Lower cased “s” in self. The self that abuses me, the self that tells me that I’m a loser – that only the real intellects deserve to go on these journeys. BULLSHIT> self imposed lies. I am worthy of this.

I am 110% worthy of it, and there is nothing wrong with what I have upstairs. This is an affirmation I will be working on as much as possible.

Speaking with Jim, again to bring him up – he informed me that MAYBE, just maybe – everyone is supportive of me and that my response, reactions, and feelings are a product of a high level of pressure on me, of STRESS. A ton of things going on, teaching, working at Issaquah, balancing my hours to try and handle social security office visits, getting my elderly Grandpa out of the house to deal with them, being told to come back more than once from those DMV flunkies, managing a reverse lookup situation with every single bill, one by one – for my grandparents. Getting to the bank, dealing with all kinds of business. Balancing a lack of time to clean my house, the messy house part is something that makes me feel out of control with my life, even if I am quite in control of my life, it's just that when my house is messy, I feel awful – simultaneously taking on way too many classes in the last 2 weeks teaching the yoga – managing a minor injury preventing me from my usual coping mechanisms. The crazy that is held at bay by working out so regularly.

And then some. More, there’s more and I can’t list it all out. A restless anger was boiling beneath the surface all last week.

And so Jim mentioned, indicated one thing: and Now? On top of all this, you want to enact more spiritual growth and you’re unsure of how this will go for yourself – and you wonder why you are reacting, being human?

It was a rather sweet moment of him, it made me realize how important his support is. He never once gives me shit for being more involved in other things outside of he and I. He is very flexible with our time.

Needless to say, May is coming.
In May, I take off for Los Angeles to visit teacher training,!!!! to be reunited with my bestie Katty from Vancouver and Lacy from Vegas (Lacy, I know her less than Katty) from May 9-12th.) Don’t burgle my house, folks, Jimmers will be home and yes, he has a Mossburg.
If you don’t know what a Mossburg is… nevermind.

Following this trip, I am driving Sunshine up across the border to meet Aussie Joel from May 21-24th or something like that, to Vancouver, with my new passport, and will also see Katty again. (Seriously. I'm stoked.) If I am lucky, the sun will be out and I can drop the top the whole way up to the border, ey?

The time off Issaquah is very needed, I am beginning to see. And my closest bit of peace will happen later this month, April.

Jim and I celebrate 6 years together on April 21st. Six Years!!! Yeay! We will be taking a long weekend to go to Mossyrock, WA to some bed and breakfast place I don’t know – I booked it through a groupon like thing. I look forward to it a lot, and I think WE, he and I - really could use a chance to get away.

Also given my new commitment to Deacon study, and life at large, I refuse to take on more than what my standard classes have been.

Extra cash is great, but not if I’m going to hate my life, and certainly not at the cost of DeaconStudy. (First and foremost the new studying,) And also, my students deserve me teaching from my heart, and not out of any other obligation. I have in the past, given a lot of thought (I overthink everything, seriously) as to why this part time teaching right now is how I do it.

The teaching for the most selfless way possible for me, is part of it. This is why I do not teach full time, and why I do not intend on, at this time, making Teaching yoga my livelihood.

As for more coverage for other teachers; not unless I am really in the mood, and then I refuse to take on more than 4 classes in a week anymore. I want to help people out so much, that sometimes I can be *persuaded* into covering a class for somebody here or there, even and in spite of the fact teaching the class doesn't actually work so well for me. This happened twice in two weeks with a couple of different classes, including causing me to take on an extra mentor class. (Not what I need, really). I won't write how I personally feel about mentorship. It wouldn't be a good public statement.

4 is my magic number for teaching on the side of Issaquah. Quite frankly, I will not be keen on covering the 830PM classes particularly for people. Maybe once in a great while. It is just too much difficulty and drains me, when I have a work day the next day. I get in to the office at Issaquah between 715-730AM. It used to 7, but then I kept pushing it back.

I am trying to get it closer to 7AM again. It all depends on my snooze button. *sheepish face*
Regardless. The last 2 weeks have taught me my teaching limit on the side of my FT job. I don’t get any time for me, decompression time, anything – when I teach as much as I have been. The paycheck will be great. I am considering getting my brother a VISA gift card so he can book a massage appointment with the most awesome masseuse ever with some of the extra cash. He needs it!!!!!

How grateful I am to have him back with the family and being true to himSelf … he is going to be such a strong guy after all this personal crap he has been facing last decade. I am proud of him. And I adore him as a person. He is a good man.

He deserves the best, and I can see he is getting closer to that every week. Happiness is important.

That is why I won’t be taking on that many 830pm classes in a row ever again. It is making me unhappy, fast.

-Angela

PS. And now I know why I proof read my blog 20 times normally. Guess yesterday I squeezed it in, posted, and did not proof read. Go figure. And I doubt I will proof read this 20 times either due to working at work. Go figure.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Work - SideB
Current Music: Silence

I spend an insurmountable amount of time contemplating something useless: my own intelligence. Firstly, as a Yogini, I very well know not to compare myself against myself or others. It’s a fruitless pursuit, and countless (SERIOUSLY) hours on the mat have taught me this. Today, I feel ready to drop that fruitless pursuit regarding the intelligence. Who cares if I am slow memorizing? It’s not a race. Who cares if I don’t know what the fuck I am doing in the OTO right away? It’s not a race. How about stop WORRYING about it, and allow it to happen organically. Forcing it to happen? Bad juejue.

Back to my point. Perhaps my Yoga path will continue to improve, and I have hopes that my Deacon study (newly minted, this time is for real) can be re-aligned. The first time I was terrified. (I am still terrified. I don't got to lie to kick it - memorization terrifies me.) Ask my friends who knew me at Teacher Training what THAT looks like. Oi, the memories.

The first time I wanted to memorize the Deacon role, I could not even comprehend how to start.
Bonus: I have a LOT of memorization under my belt now, with the Bikram Yoga Teaching. Turning me loose to my own devices wasn’t working very well whatever year that was. 09? I can't remember. I am still ashamed I went away in the first place. I pretend that I am not, but this? The Truth. As the Deacon lines sat in front of me, I’d stare at it, not even know where to begin. Thank goodness someone this time said simple, “the 11 collects.”

Now looking at them… yes they are wordy and difficult. But they can very easily be broken down. And I can take literally as long as I need. Providing I am using 100% effort and commitment to get there, I will actually succeed. Maybe 110% effort, but – not in a half a second. English Bulldog determination – it’s time to draw on it and to stop judging myself against others in the Order, and against myself at the end of the day. I am Me and I should learn to get back to total Respect of myself, and give me some personal Love. Not in the dirty way, but in the honest to goodness “you are allowed to learn and here is some space for that.” Sort of way. Drop all the other Bullshit. All the worry, all the wasted energy and lack of time spent due to FEAR>. Fear nothing.

I stepped away for years simply because I couldn’t comprehend the notion of breaking it down. Had I begun then, I would already be there now. I’m not going to do that same thing twice. It is time. And I do think I can continue work on the Dialogue simultaneously. Oh, and the bullshit about insecurity and thinking I should change? Fuck it. I’m done. I am who I am. I gotta stop being resistant of who that is.

-Angela

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Work - SideB

Allllrighty.

Some posting to come here. My lappy battery died and I accidentally left my AC adapter at home. I am Jack's sore disappointment. :/

It's okay because Jim is at work and therefore I have hereby stolen usage of his laptop for the moment. Before I run off to go pick up my dogs - of which I am sure he will be relieved to see this evening (and vice-versa).

Yesterday started with a "I am already behind schedule," thing and stuff. Mass rehearsal - talking to A and H briefly and saying hi to Aiden... missing the workshop.

Then came Mass. Outdoor Mass was lovely - except for the bees. Which I did not find lovely. Try as you may, when one lands on your hand or ankle - I twitch.

Anyways. Hungo ut with the sisters most of the day - as has been typical these last OLOTEAS events.

Went to the OLOTEAS ritual - enjoyed the community and their abundance. Much needed visiting with loved ones and friends.

A certain special someone fixed my back, which had been bothering me all day. Godsssss I love that man!

Denny's was fun. Stayed out until past 2. Drove to Tacoma there-after. Met with Jim, hung out. Was enjoyable except I was a little less tolerable on the Mac and Jim insults.

Bed ensued. I was honestly able to sleep on my back all night long so this was a plus.
Morningtime came.
Had great sex, cuddling, and then read some, lounging. Lovely, lovely.

I realized Mass was earlier than I thought it was - realized I missed Mass. DAMNIT.

The drive to Seattle seemed unattractive anyway - having made the trek to Tacoma not too long prior. Can't wait to take Jim to a Mass so he knows wtf it's all about. He's curious too. I love that he is open and curious and understanding - even if it isn't his personal path. I feel very comfortable with how things are. He likes OLOTEAS (and says that he loves hanging out with the sisters(they're cool) , for the record).

The little bit of interest is somehow enough to fulfill me in sharing my spirituality with him. Like it's just right.

I dated a pagan and really didn't feel any more/less fulfilled tan the times I've dated those who didn't share my general belief system. Anyways - I enjoy that we've discussed things here and there and I feel like even though he doesn't classify himself in the same way, that we're still somehow very much on the same page.

If that can make sense to anyone other than me? That being said, I guess it doesn't matter as long as it makes sense for us and works for us.

It's just that I like how it is. A lot.
And he understands what ritual work is, and isn't at all skeptical. Doesn't make me feel like a raving lunatic, not that anyone I dated has - yet there are those people out there. And obviously I wouldn't be in a relationship long with any of those sort.

DIGRESSION.

I grabbed some lunch foods for Jim and I and then he went to work.

Soon I need to take off (though I feel excessively comfortable and don't want to drive anymore - blah). The dogs will be wanting me.

I took a splendid bath - got all pertified, and am ready to face the family mayhem of my grandparents house. Where Melissa is having her birthday celebration. Blah.

And now that I am ungrossified (sex is wonderful, but dirty.)
I shall finish my post and be on my way.

Cheerio, folks.

-Angela

Current Mood: refreshed
Current Location: Jim's apartment - Tacoma