Deeper than the Surface

( Brief Gratitude Braindump! )

-Angela

Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!

Yeah.

I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

-Angela

( Finally, I found a machine that will let me post to LJ. !!! )

-Angela

It’s time to do an update, folks! Doing my best with life here. Things have been quite good around my neck of the woods. I know, I know – not as regular posting as I’ve been in life, but hey. I do what I can!
Last night I had a dream that I went off to TT. But it was nothing like TT would really be. Hard to explain. Needless the say, that wasn’t going to be part of my post. I just thought I’d share that obviously it’s on my mind.

Last weekend sort of happened by chance. As in, neither Jim nor I had plans – and while we were tending to Fritz (who I have not updated about yet) – we were otherwise free. Then Jim got a phone call from a battle buddy who was having marital problems. He came to stay the weekend, and thus our weekend filled a bit. This was actually pretty fun. Luckily I had just spiffed up our guest room, so it was back in order by Friday when the call came in. I officially only have 1 room of our house that is not at least in some semblance of “good working order.” This is actually quite amazing. I guess it goes to show that I *AM* making household progress.

These were all good things.
Also good: I went raw all last week. Probably about 95%. At this point, I feel pretty comfortable in general. Comfortable in my skin again, comfortable with my body where it stands right, comfortable with where I am heading after my 7 day challenge if you will. It seems a lot simpler than I’ve made it in the past, so we’ll see how long I feel this way. At the very least it was just the reset I was looking for. And 8 days after I made the solid switch, I’m still eating my fruit breakfast and have plans for a green smoothie lunch. As for dinner? Well. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll go off charts and share a “regular” meal with Jim. Or maybe I will eat mostly a giant green salad like my usual has been.

All I know is over the weekend I actually did a review with all my raw food tools and pretty much combined all my experience over the last year or so and played in the kitchen. Raw almond milk, banana ice cream, blueberry pie, juices, dips, salads, smoothies. I unintentionally made it very clear to myself how much versatility I’ve developed in my array of foods that I can eat on the raw food wagon. It is NOT as hard as it seems. Well, least until you go and smell pizza, but you get the picture. I think it is clear to me that it is more a routine shift than a real *food* shift in many ways.

Biggest challenge is always the boyfriend wanting XYZ meals out. Meals out just suck if you’re eating raw because people prepare crappy salads in actuality at restaurants. Over priced and not enough greens etc.

So my goal here is balance. I’m not going to be uber strict, but I do see fit to try and avoid bread and dairy for a while longer. I just don’t like how puffy my body gets with either of them, in spite of my love affair with them. At least for now. We’ll see. I might make exceptions, but I am sure I will pay for how it makes me feel – particularly if your body is no longer accustomed to those things.

Oh - and I forgot to mention. Both Yoga and running CHANGE when I'm eating just fruits and veggies. Basically, I run easier, further. My muscles feel stronger. I feel like I can just go farther. In yoga, my flexibility sky rockets. It is nuts.
Both activities are proof there is something going on when you only feed yourself nutritionally FULL calories. Really.

Anyways, no real worries here. Just feeling great in my mind and my skin. These things are so valuable!
As for dialogue, coming along. Not much further, but I feel a little less freaked out. Why worry, when I can just do my best and that is it? We’ll see how much longer this mentality sticks.

-Angela

After having some dumb LTR moments (Long Term Relationship) moments this weekend, things are probably going to be looking up. I really need to start my circuit training session, but I thought I'd take a few moments to write down about my yesterday.
We've been having issues in general, no specifics do I need to mention just for lack of time.

Fortunately, I had some great friends (Icky, Jessie, and Inna) all supportive during mid day when I was feeling crappy about my situation. On to the better part of the evening:
Finally chose to go out with Jim to Chris Y's birthday party.

I am slowly becoming friends with his friends, although he obviously knows them better than I do. Often they have events and I go, he has to go to work, and I go back and hang out with them because it has been my most accessible social opportunity. So, they are getting to know me. Oddly, independent of Jim. Often. Which isn't common of couples and their work-social networks.......

Regardless, Chris had a nice party. Chris is extremely philosophical, turning 24 last week, usually our conversations are only philosophical. It was hilarious to see him intoxicated.
The other folks drank to excess if you ask me. After dropping Jim and Galen off (to go to work) I returned later to the party to find most everyone seriously passed out. Except a few folks.

Having been the only sober female, I was given to take care of Phylicia, who had had too much. After near carrying her to the living room to settle her down, the single tiny puke happened.
Oops.

We then headed off to a "bonfire," as soft spoken and smooth Tony the Tiger (the kid has tiger stripe tattoos even) ... we find his bonfire is really some park. Hung out there until I escorted us back to Chris' house. Funny... we were thinking the bonfire was in someone's backyard. Tony the Tiger also invited us to go to another party in Kent... but I wasn't really feeling it. It was 2AM, way past my bedtime. Chris feeling tipsy, single, and enjoying himself all while apologizing constantly and in spite of himself, enjoying me as arm candy and general company. He is way, way too shy for this normally. As Jim and I don't roll in the "get your hands off my woman" route, I continually assured Chris's drunk self that Jim would "not shoot him," for hanging all over me in his birthday-drunkness.

Adorably calling everyone female a "beautiful woman," I couldn't help but laugh at him most of the evening. Especially since he is so wordy and philosophical. I could write a novel about his general mannerism. But for the sake of this entry, I'll leave that out too.
Needless to say, hanging out with Kristen and Curtis, 2 other folks that I always enjoyed... turned into a couple more hour conversation with Kristen, who I have yet to get to know quite so well. Curtis needed a power nap before they hit the road. Had a nice conversation about philosophy and life with Kristen and Chris until we all headed out. I rolled into my front doorstep at 0400 and fell fast asleep. Until Jim came home a few hours later.

Certainly, I felt energized by the social interaction and can see the difference in my overall deportment today. It's apparent that without social interaction and hanging out too often in my house waiting around is not going to cut it much longer for me. I need to reach out.
On this subject, Jessie and Icky would have hung out with me had I *NOT* gone to Chris Y's party. I have noticed the 2 of them are uplifting beyond belief as well. Had I not gotten so occupied in the backyard lawn darts, bad-mitten, and crazy people - I would have gone to my phone to text them the situation.

This being said... I also crave their company soon (and Inna). People take my mind off of the stuff that is trivial but my mind blows out of porportion in boredom. (Like my body, for instance.)

Neeeeedless to say, I abandoned my phone a lot of the night. Felt bad, but also was riding off of social contentment. I don't feel quite on par with Jim yet, although I think this is just a matter of time. There is a lot of frustration spinning around certain issues right now.

1- Overnight schedule
2- Growth and planning of steps that are going to steward him into his nearing 30s.
3- Target just won't cut it forever. For a man so intelligent, this is a crime and as bitchy as this sounds, I just can't fucking stand it some days.
4- Keeping life interesting
5- World of Warcraft, or otherwise known as "The Death." This term coined by my friend Melanie.

(A word on Melanie). She found me on facebook. We were pretty good pals in middle school. Grew apart of time, but have always got along and related in spite of the fact we're vastly different people. We've been chatting a lot on the web. I really want to hang out with her sometime, except that she is very broke and seems to think this is a point that makes it not as useful to chill.

I will have to work on strategies and free ideas of stuff I can invite her to. I'd even pay for certain things, because in all seriousness... my financial situation is really good.

I know my job really wears on me because it is not passionate or inspiring a lot of the time. I am 99% certain it just has to do with being with my same little pond that I have probably outgrown. However... it is at the very least, enough to keep me in house and home with unheard of perks. This is still a phase. I'm not addressing my own advancement issues.
That one is too big of a fish to talk about at the second.

For all intents and purposes though - it makes it easier to do nice things for people if you do have extra dough. I'd say fat around the edges, but I'm seriously pissed off about my extra bf% right now. :P

Oh wells. It does not define me. And I'll be damned if I let it bring me down another day. It's time to live and not obsess over shit that is just a matter of time for me to take care of.
I have a permanence problem: Every issue that is thrown at me FEELS permanent. But I'm here to admit to myself and everyone else: It's almost never permanent. Whatever problem it is.

Like my knees. I ride off of this: I felt like they would never heal, the day would never come when I'd wander around pain free, play bad-mitten on a seriously hilly and uneven surface, wander around on grass, stand for hours and be comfortable in the knees.
But guess what? I healed. I can do all that. I made it.
I run. I jump. I can kneel now.
It wasn't permanent. Maybe a slow process... but I can look back and right now it's just a nasty, nasty, fucked up memory.

I am working on using this to help me put current issues into perspective.

-Angela

Time to write some blog updates, here. As my life begins shifting lately, it seems the old ithisia livejournal entries are getting scarce. I like when I do sit down and choose to put words to the screen, and I know I’ll value the ability to step back and read them when these times are over.

Not succeeding this week at eating very raw. I’ve been eating about 50% raw, instead of 90-100%. I guess it’s not in alignment right now. Haven’t been craving the green juices as much – and it is probably to do with the cooler weather. Been eating fruits to try and take care of the sweet tooth and that usually works great.

I got a g1 a week or two back now off of CraigsList, as I couldn’t keep up texting with Jonny. He has an iphone, and I had a shitty RAZR that I’ve always hated. I got it 1 year ago when I moved into 874 – SOLELY because my other phone battery was too short lived.
The g1 purchased off CL, with my old SIM card because I’ve been a t-mobile customer for like over a decade now – works like a charm. No need to upgrade to a data plan, because it has WiFi and I’m not that thrilled about paying $20 a month extra for an incidental.

This week I have been trying to do more running, and succeeding. I had set the intent to do every other day running vs. yoga, but I have an engagement tonight that breaks into my yoga time :( That makes me sad, but right now I’m feeling like breaking it up how the life and schedule allows. Running gives me a lot more time to do other things with – (read, see Jim for more than a meal or two). At this point it’s important to me to keep that homelife relationship strong and improving and morphing into greater and more beautiful things. Why? Because the NRE with Jon is pretty fun and it exposes on some level some things I’ve been wanting to work with between me and Jim. These are good things.

We’ve been spurred to have a few super serious conversations that I feel like – I walked away with more insight into Jim’s reality. At times I am not entirely in tune with his reality.
So, because my schedule got a bit tweaked, it looks like this for the week:

Sunday: Ran
Monday: Yoga
Tuesday: Ran
Wednesday: Ran
The rest of the week will perhaps look like this:
Thursday: Yoga/Run (I sort of want to ACTUALLY make it to toastmasters…but in the interest of getting enough yoga in, I might have to push it to next Thursday)
Friday: Yoga
Saturday: Run

The goal was to get 4 runs in and 3 yogas. Next week I’d like to get more yoga in, and scale back on the running. I miss circuit training, but I want to start learning what the balance of running vs yoga is, before I can add in anything else to the equation. I miss my big guns and my built deltoids. My deltoids are pretty badass when I’m working them good.
It’s because I love military press. ;)

Feeling pretty good with 3 runs already this week; in fact I can scarcely believe it. Today my knees feel a little more tender than usual, even though I woke up with them feeling stellar. I think it was when I was hitting 7mph on the treadmill that did it. But, it still feels pretty awesome. My next run will be slower and more easy, and I will stick with steady. I’ve been doing some minor speed work and seeing results already. My regular pace is heightened. It feels good to run long. My legs reaching for the limits feels fantastic – but I’m also knowledgeable enough to realize that this causes more impact also. So, a couple of easier runs to ensure that my body’s limits are not pushed regarding tendons, and things will be great.

In yoga, I am getting further down in fixed firm and a little shocked that the past few times I’ve done this it has not done anything “weird” to tenderize my tendons. It makes me very optimistic that one day I will be back on the floor without causing tendon strain. I also feel a strong vibe that eventually – I will also be back to doing kneeling poses. I’m in no rush. The 2 I can’t really do without a modification or sitting out are camel and rabbit.
For one, I love camel.
For two, I hate rabbit.

And I miss doing both – no matter how poorly I execute rabbit. I always felt a sense of satisfaction from doing a pose that was really not constitutionally easy for me. But that’s why I stuck with Bikram, after all. None of it was easy.

Fighting in Yoga with standing head to knee – because my left knee tries to hyper extend every single damn time. I have to fight to keep the leg from hyper extending. It frustrates me, but I think if I just keep pushing and working on it – I’ll have some pretty awesome muscle benefits that will help keep my knee on that side safer. The right way – is the hard way.
Emotionally, I’ve been steering clear of depressive episodes and low moods. I feel like I’ve hit some major break throughs, and some of it has to do with being out of pain for most of my day. I am still VERY mindful all day long of my knees, but the dull ache and constant worry is fading. It is becoming a nasty memory that has shaped my soul.

I look back at my last 19 months and realize that 19 months was a short journey to what insights I think will be carried with me for the rest of my life here on Earth.
There’s no telling the number of people I wish to help one day with my empathy, with my ability and understanding of how these physical limitations can change your entire life, and your entire being.

While I may be mindful of my knees for years to come and perhaps forever – I know I’ve come very far. The turn around of this was in June 2009. I started my 30 day challenge that lasted 14 days with the Bikram Yoga, and found insights and strength to back off and turn my knees around. Without that 14 days of yoga, I doubt I would have had the presence of mind to know in my heart what things to do to get me where I could become as pain free as I am today.

I am still working with the extra weight I put on during that period, but it is minor. I am still fit, mostly trim, and close to my goals. I am okay with where I am at. Also, fortunate with 2 fellas to remind me that they value me for not only my physical attributes, but so much more.

I went in to get a physical a couple of weeks ago and got some blood work done: all numbers are stellar. I have super low cholesterol where it is supposed to be low, and all my other numbers are in the low range of what they’re supposed to be.
In my gyn visit the nurse and the gyn were surprised at how low my resting heart rate was. They said, “uh, do you work out???? We see very few people with a resting HR of 49…”
I grinned and said, “just a bit.” For the record, the average person has a resting HR of 60-100. Apparently I’m in the athlete class with the resting HR! Some athletes though, have a HR as low as the 30’s. (Think Lance Armstrong).

The lower your heart rate, the more efficient your heart is at pumping blood throughout the body. Less beats means a stronger heart. One could deduct that I have a strong heart! Yeay! You mean the toiling pays offff????
;)
What this tells me, is I am VERY healthy right now, in spite of some minor knee issues that are fading rapidly.

I also feel pretty emotionally grounded, which has been something I am almost as excited as I am about the knees! My day to day life has been looking like a lot of work, a lot of house cleaning and laundry, a lot of running and less yoga than I’ve practiced in the last 10 months, but still a pretty decent practice (falling to 3-4 times a week over the previous 5-6 times a week). I admit – it is keeping things fresh for me at this point. I can’t deny that my body just loves to run. In December 2006, I started an “experiment,” that I kept to myself. The experiment was running. I was too ashamed of myself to call myself a runner. I didn’t want to be a poser, so I kept this experiment to myself. I’ve been hooked on running for the duration of the last 3 years. And I celebrate this blessing in my life every mile I put in.
In December 2008, on the 5th – I began Bikram Yoga as “an experiment.” I had no idea what to expect, but it was largely due to the suggestion of S/Energei. My gut told me I needed to go do this. I resisted, but bravely went in by myself with no other intent but to improve my knees.

It became a refuge for my depression and my life. It taught me so much about myself and now I’m really thinking the next several years of my life will also include a steady practice in the Bikram Yoga. Besides – once you get addicted to how wonderful the hot room feels, I’m thinking it’s hard to step away from it ;)

Also the leg strength and balancing that is attained… it’s irreplaceable. On December 5th, 2009 – I intend to make a mental celebration of my 1 year anniversary to Yoga. I have also found some very energizing and supportive souls at my studio. I was very shy when I first started going, but their open and loving attitudes brought me to a place of emotional healing. I don’t think I could have done it without them. Linda, Brenna, Heidi, Laurel.
Anyways. More to come, but I have a chiropractic appointment very soon. ;)

-Angela

I succeeded in making the 6:30 Yoga class. I had... a wonderful class!!!
This, was definitely not my expectation. I just did my best and I really felt strong all night.
What a lovely treat.

So, I did my Return to Run, my Circuit training, AND Yoga - adding up to one of the best days I could imagine. I am working a few hours Sunday, so my longish lunch to accommodate my CT/RUN will be no problem for the comp time I will earn on Sunday!!!
And although I hate that I will be paying for a month or two - I am in love with my new Acer 6930 laptop.

Woohoo.

-Angela

It would seem I hit a mental wall about 10 days ago.
And then I began thinking my healing was doing much better.
And tonight I had a minor depressive episode.
Well shit. This is confusing.
The last fortnight has been a bit of an emotional tossup.
Trying hard not to let it all go to shit.
Finding it a struggle to stay happy.

Shoot, shoot.
My Yoga practice has been strange.
Okay, I can accept that.
I didn't go tonight - I slept through it.
Jim's observation is that whenever I sleep TOO much, my body is more likely to go into the depressive state. He says it's like it gets angry that I slept TOO much.
I've never heard of anything like this. I think my depression and sleep and diet are all related. (Okay, duh). But I am not too sure that the sleep is just a bi-product of feeling really lousy.
Let's face it - when you're really bummed, it's easier to escape through sleep.

Today I felt like I was avoiding class because it has been such a misery for me. Instead of the usual (mostly) joy. What the fuck?
Reading my last 10-days entries has me thinking my brain and heart are all over the board.
Shit, shit, shit.

Must stay patient. Jim thinks the Yoga has done nothing but good for me, I tend to agree.
We have had our most stable months in our relationship during the Yoga-months. Really.
We've been happiest and most harmonious. I'm not a fool to think it isn't related. It is. And of the two of us, I'm the trouble-maker in the relationship. You know - the moody one.

He is slightly more flexible than me sometimes. But I come close.
Regardless. Instead of being pissy, I've been able to stay calm and collected even when he irritates me. Bonus.

Now if I can only keep myself from skipping classes. Granted, maybe it's okay to take it easy this week. My head and heart are all over the board, after all. It's harder work when life is throwing me all kinds of emo-sludge.

Nothing felt cope-able tonight.
Perhaps next week will show me a little more kindness.
Jim's observation is that the emotional side of this knee trauma is far worse on me than the actual pain. He is often times correct.
The more time I spend with Jim as an integral part of my daily life, the more I find he is just what I need.

On a less angsty note; he is positive, intelligent, hilarious, adorable, kind-hearted, genuine, and at times sensual. Don't take this wrong, but of all of those things, I think sex is my lowest priority. It's not that it's not important to me. It's that sex is fleeting. And all the rest are things I need more frequently.

Sex is often superb, although occasionally I find him a tiny bit more vanilla than me. *shrugs* I'm okay with that - obviously.

The things that are more important:
He makes me laugh all the time.
And being around someone who smiles so much is really refreshing for the soul.

So, while I'm sad right now - I also realize the bounty of my fortune in life.
I have a home that I've worked hard for and love. It's our own. We've made it our own. I accept that clothes on the floor in the bedroom is not the end of the world.

I have 2 dogs that adore me and 1 waiting to become a love-source like the others.
They annoy me to no end, and yet they're so rewarding and know just when I'm at my lowest.
And then they decide to treat me accordingly, by acting as adorable as they know how.

I own a car that I really like.

More than that - I have a really solid family, and friends out there who would probably be there for me more if they knew how, or I made that more possible.

We both have jobs.
We both make enough money to make ends meet and have enough.
Our partnership is laden with straight forward, no-games or passive aggressive communication.
I love that he is a communicator. I love that Jim feels happiest dealing with problems immediately. It is he who makes me realize how long I hold onto crap sometimes before I let loose with it.

I am thankful his perspective on life is so real and so positive.
"Every day someone isn't shooting at me is a good day."
Who can argue with that?
And, once a soldier, always a soldier.

I am thankful that although I may be up 5lbs or so, I haven't gained back the weight I lost in 2007. This IS a feat, considering my 2008 situation.
Right now I appreciate my small waist, and try and ignore my hippy-ness. (As in hips).

I accept that for the most part, I'm not so bad looking. I clean up okay ;)
I am also thankful I changed my lifestyle in 2007.
I will try to remember these things as the knees scream at my soul.
They are not all consuming giant knees of doom.
They shouldn't take over my whole heart.

I am also thankful for my dishwasher. I lived years without one. I love dishwashers. I love not hand washing my dishes. I love how clean and shiny my dishes get in a dishwasher, when by hand I could never get them to be this way.

I love my silent, but present supporters.
And I appreciate my community and everything they've added to my life.
Yes, you pagans.
I adore you all.

Now, I'm really going to let go of this fear and go to Yoga class tomorrow with no judgments on myself. No judgments, no expectations. That will be my mantra. No worries that I skipped class THREE times now in one week. Wow, that is definitely a new record. So what, though.

I will be there in class tomorrow. Ready or not.
One thing I do not take for granted today, is my connection to the kindest man I've known.

-Angela

My work requests have been closed out efficiently and the users have been nicer to me.

A lady in PWE was ever so kind and sent out an email about following work order procedure for IT when she heard a ton of people not doing this during one of my work days.

Is it so hard to put in a request? I was grateful she noticed their lack of regard and then in suit, SAID something to the department about it.

My hair has been cooperative this week in looking pretty good. I plan on growing it out again for a while (saves money, also has been a past symbol of me to have long hair, sort of missing it.)

2 years with Jim on Monday! We're going out tonight!!!!

1 year since I leaned up.

Today is feeling quiet. I really would enjoy just a low paced, slacky day at the office.

-Angela

First off, I agree with my horoscope today:
"Tuesday, Apr 15, 2008 You should generally be feeling pretty satisfied with your progress right now. And you ought to be able to express yourself fairly clearly at the moment. So you should really try to deal with any lingering issues or concerns as openly and honestly as possible at this time so that you can hopefully put them behind you and make some fresh starts.

You should be feeling rather ambitious and optimistic right now, and your personal confidence should be steadily growing as you work towards building a positive new future for yourself. Just make sure that you’re not too overly optimistic. Remember that there may still be a few tricky details left to figure out"

My confidence is building in general. But there are so many details to sort out.

Secondly...
I am here to celebrate the good moments. On Friday I ran around closing out help requests as quickly as possible after an upgrade took longer than it should have early in the morning and my list wasn't shrinking.

That's not the happy part. The director of Public Works Ops emailed me and CC'd my boss thanking me for my quick and efficient response to his issues. I really needed that. And I am recognizing the GOOD THINGS that happen here at the office. My boss respects me for the work I do, my steady and reliable attendance, and my willingness to do consistent work.

And so do several users that are high in the hierarchy of command throughout the city. These are GOOD things. I'm remembering how I am good at my job, even when I feel like I am being buried.

Today I am wearing the cutest Eeyore shirt that Grandma bought me after our last Casino run. I really do love the sleeve cut. And the sleeves FIT me and my big ole muscley arms. Usually girlie shirts tend to skimp on shoulders (I have broad ones, even back in the less lean days this was a challenge for me) and arm circumference.

Ah, what a day. Soon I will go move some people from one desk space to another (I swear all departments find it prudent to continually move their staff.) as well as ... close out some helps and clean up some upgrades from last week. And oddly - as of late, I miss my old coupe (Joe).

My last car, for those who weren't on my f-list before I bought Classy, was Joe.
The plate was 782-JOE, and I had some very good times in that car. Now that I am a lot more solo these days I wonder on whether the sedan was worth forfeiting gas milage, but Classy is one slick ride and I can't deny that I love the little extra pep that it has over Joe's slightly smaller engine. And there is something nice about the sleek cuts of the body-style on my 2006 Impreza [RS]. The WRX was beyond my price range. And I suppose wholly unnecessary. Joe is the 1997 Eclipse pictured in my icon.

I forgot how I tired of the tan interior and the fact that red was never a favorite color of mine for cars. It is because the parents seemed to always end up with Red Cars.

Regardless. A bit of nostalgia for the little coupe that took me so many miles. Although there is no question that I am every bit glad I have Classy. Reliable, sleek, and it has a key fab and power windows. Joe was power-nothing (save for the moon/sun roof). And had manual keys. Not so bad on one hand, but I sure do love opening my car without using the damn key when I have an armload of Dachshunds or groceries.

My coffee snack has mostly run through me. And soon I must leave to go complete the good services of my job. I am really going to try and shape my reality more and be less angry about the workplace. Last week I just was far too tense, and the week before that I was crashing for other emotional reasons. Time to try and solve this enigma of imbalance in my life.

-Angela