angelak: (The Past)
Awake a bit early, this morning. But a lot has been on my mind, and I felt like it was too early when Jim and I went to bed last night. (He was super tired, I was super enegetic from my 6:30 class last night). Last night I had a surprisingly strong class. I hadn't been in to the studio in more days than I preferred - so much going on outside of my yoga-sphere this September, which is frankly an unusual occurrence other than work and running. I've been awfully social in my life - but the past couple years that seemed to be a little less true. Until late August and early September! BAM, social life exploded. This isn't a bad thing. I thrive when I am social.

So, this super strong class was a shocker. I was also like, "yikes. Is this so that I can go to training with confidence, or is this so I can suddenly get there and have used up all my awesome for my teacher's at home, so I can crash in training?" ;) Well, I'll crash in training no matter what. That's not a question of if, but when. So that's good. Fail your way to success. Everyone fucks up there sooner or later, it's not designed for perfection. It's designed to make you bullet proof, not perfect.

Also was looking at the new Bikram Yoga Burien photos and checked out the website. It reminds me a lot of Annette's first studio on Burnett. There's a special place in my heart for that old studio... her new one is beautiful and large and 100 other things, but that small, cozy first studio was where it all began for me. And Burien's studio reminds me a lot of it. I also checked out the schedule; nice lookin' schedule! I let Nina (the owner) know that I loved it and that the schedule rocked. Excitingly, she mentioned that after I get back from TT, I should come out and show them what I got ;) Very exciting. I would LOVE to teach there too. Bless Nina for already wanting to give me a chance!

So 2 studios lined up for possible classes... that's not too shabby considering the initial plan is part time. I was concerned with getting classes, but I think it will be just fine. I do know I want to be able to practice and really work at this teaching bit once I get home. Use it or lose it. Especially with that sort of thing......

The weekend was pretty amazing. Lianna's birthday on Friday - Jim went away to his HS reunion... and other very pleasant things. ;) I did get an opportunity to run on Saturday when I probably should have been in the studio. But I admit the running is important to me still.
On my run I had, as usual - my best thinking moments. I decompress so much this way. I really began thinking, based off of a couple conversations on Friday night - about how I got to be where I am at. About my knee injuries, my intense depression for a period of time, and how I got through all of that - and how I got to be standing right here, right now. Maybe this is a bit heavy, but I am only grateful that in my darkest moments, I prevailed over the darkness so that I would come out on the other side. I didn't think I could be in a place of joy like I am now.

It makes me think very hard and long about the thousand tears and moments that I truly, seriously was vulnerable to being awful to myself. The edge of my mortality at times was very real. I say this and am not proud, but not ashamed either. This is part of the reason I'm on this path. If there is one person I can teach and that turns their life around... then anything, ANYTHING I go through in the next 10 weeks is worth it.
I fully believe I may not have taken the exit off the depression freeway if it weren't for this yoga.

I also know I would never, ever have tried it if I wasn't desperate like I was in December 2008 - to stop the constant day in, day out - 24/7 knee pain. To be 24 and in constant pain is a real eye opener as to what life can be like. I was running and thinking about all of this... About how it broke my heart in a thousand ways because I'd built myself up to be an athlete that I did not know existed - and been for the first time in my life 100% body confident.
The knee situation seemed to rob me of all that confidence and more. It had felt all-consuming, and I had never been in the places that I headed emotionally on top of all that physical stuff. There was a lot going on that created turmoil for me. And yet... without all of that, my levels of compassion wouldn't be what they are today - and I would certainly not be getting ready to head off on this wild journey for Bikram teacher training. The yoga showed up right after we moved to our townhouse. A pivotal time in my life, I was sick of trying to run, sick of the physical therapy that I had spent 3 months in and not gotten very far with my knee pain. When the yahoos at my first therapist's office released me telling me that "unfortunately we cannot see all of our patients through pain resolution..." I was pretty upset. I spent a lot of time and effort on this PT stuff. And here it felt it did not pay off.

So, Sammantha Gribble was reading on this very blog late November 08, and she commented suggesting a Bikram class. Desperation. Depression. Having been hair-raisingly close to taking my own life in spite of having EVERYTHING beautiful around me: I decided to try out this "yoga." I thought yoga was for pussies. I was a hardcore runner and I lifted weights - if I'd been healthy and you asked me to try out a yoga class, I'm quite sure I would have wrinkled my nose, laughed, and said, "you gotta be kidding!"
But Sammantha suggested working with a Bikram teacher, and something about the way she said it made me go research (shocking, my favorite hobby). And then I signed up for the one week unlimited pass in Renton due to their great schedule and my 10 hour workdays. BAM. I took 6 of the 7 classes in the first week, and only because I got a little sick on day 5 and accidentally slept through the class time.

I took 12 of the first 14 days that I practiced. I committed, after reading up on it - to 90 days solid effort for the sake of my knees. It wasn't about thinking Bikram was "awesome," but I admit I fell in love fast. I approached the yoga with uttermost curiosity. I became a little obsessed with, "what my next day" would look like as soon as I finished my classes for the day. My practice would then turn into a 5-7 day a week practice for almost 2 years. Within 1 week, my pain decreased by maybe half. This was a huge deal to me, after seeing little progress for like 6-7 months.

Needless to say, it was me thinking back on how if I had never been injured, I would have tested for police academy, and gotten successful numbers for sure. No doubt. I was strong as hell, and fast, and pretty amazing. I really did not know this at the time though, and failed to listen to my very awesome boyfriend too. The number of pushups I had in my back pocket... the pace of my sprints........ lordy. My nearly 6 pack... you get the picture.
But if I had continued on that path, I would not be here. The idea is very, very interesting to ponder on. I am finally starting to see that I am no less awesome than I was in late 07/early 08, in spite of having a slightly different body in many ways. Could it be that it's OK not to be quite as lean as I was? It is entirely OK>.

If we're talking strictly health - the yoga covers a lot more than just weight lifting and running could. And we're talking mental health included. Although I was in love with myself in early 2008 so that felt like less of an issue. I loved being that strong and fast and tiny. No one ever described me as tiny before in my life until that juncture - people like my awesome siblings suggested I play Rugby because I was so sturdy. Thanks guys. ;)
Digression: The path found itself to me, and it's all happening in a way that could not feel more right. And if I can open up and heal someone's life whether that is physically or mentally through this teaching - that is what I am honestly after. That is why I want to do this. I don't like the health-care field. It's made me very angry in the past. (You won't like me when I'm angry......)

I've wanted to scream and shout and throw things at doctors for not giving me any great accuracy. "Oh this will go away in a few weeks." then, "oh this will go away in a few months." then, "Oh hmm... interesting. Here's PT." INTEreSTING? We're talking about my BODY you asshole!!!!

Yeah.

I have to go back here and say that take 2 of physical therapy was VERY successful. And they got me back running with ease. (Thank you Balance Physical Therapy, Tiann Jefferies.) If there was a woman I could also shower gratitude on, it would be this therapist. She brought back my hope alongside the yoga.

Now I'm under the one week mark for Los Angeles. Very, very exciting. I am just profoundly grateful for being able to do this. I can't get over how amazing it is, how lucky I am, how in spite of the absurd amounts of cash I've been spending on this ... it's fell into place. (Gods, I just hope I can re-stockpile my savings again, because this drained my years old savings buffer).

Whatever, I can make more money.

Back to the gratitude part; this is something that I carry with me every day, possibly more times than I can count lately. Also hoping my friends and family aren't sick of me talking about it yet!!!! I'm just ignited with the fact my life is shifting. I WANTED IT TO SHIFT so badly since 2007. We're talking about a good solid 4 years of what often felt like a "holding pattern," sort of situation for me. No movement and all of my effort to find movement for 4 years. It was not the right time. You cannot force the right time to happen - you must Flow. I say this because I often let myself slam my head into proverbial walls on this one. IF I SLAM MY HEAD AGAINST THESE WALLS, I WILL SEE RESULTS!!! Might have been my theme for 2009 and 2010.
2011: I let go of it all. I actually entered this year frustrated because I got Plantar Fasccitis from healing my knees. What?! You say... well, I ran too fast, too far, too soon (too many hills also). *blush* Me and the hills make love sometimes. Maybe a bit too much. Can you make love too much? Well, not with people - but with hills and running coming off of a previous injury = yes.

But, because my faith was restored in my body at least, I did not get upset about the injury. Healing my knees went a long way towards my body confidence in healing (but not my body image, that was a hit that I am still recovering from).

All in all, if I have a few battles with myself realizing that "HEY YOU'RE FINE AND STRONG AND FINE AND STFU" - this is nothing compared to full blown suicidal depression. I can handle a bit of body dysmorphicness. And if I was able to work through the other stuff, it's no doubt just a matter of time before the rest falls into place too.

I'm entirely forthright in my weaknesses and scary mental issues because I think it's important for people to know that it can happen to ANYONE, for a myriad of different reasons.
And because it definitely is a driving force for my personal contribution to humanity.
So - without all that awfulness, I wouldn't be where I am today. Period. Some things really do have reasons that we cannot see in the moment always. And next week, I will try and let go and trust in the process as much as possible - knowing that each challenge and struggle may have reasons that I cannot understand while sitting in the middle of the maze. Only when I am through the maze will it make sense, but that often times means taking many wrong turns first.
So this - my friends, is my reflection for the one week mark. 6 days if you want to get technical, friends. Oh, My. Gods.

While hanging out with one of the two Jon's I saw this weekend ... I actually was so excited I wanted to scream and jump around like crazy. But that might also have been other excitement that impacted that... who knows. Oh yeah - I saw a couple of Jon friends this weekend too. Including old Jon from way back. All you close friends know who old Jon from way back is... Anyway.

OH yeah. Also, I cleaned out my old Den space in 874. It is now been re-purposed for my temple space/laundry sorting area. It was pretty screwed up before this weekend, and it was the last room in our house that was actually out of sorts. The cobalt room here needs tidied, but it is still amazing compared to the "how do I walk through Jim's room" way it was early this year and pretty much ever since I said "I won't tell you what to do with this room at all." (His messiness took over and before I knew it - I was teetering through the room trying to find a way to put my feet on open space on the floor.) This was the year I took this room over and we transformed it together. Then I swapped where our guest room was and put it in my old Temple/Library. And this weekend I took the old Den space and cleared the floor, did a LOT of laundry, some moving of stuff in there, and now it is good enough (not perfect) but good enough and has an open feel with my old pretty temple rug in the middle of it. And a place to organize my laundry. Which is important... now our top floor just has laundry issues, but this isn't exactly a public floor. And I know I will only have time to spiff up the Cobalt room and probably not the bedroom at this point... considering most of the bedroom hell is spawned by my honey. Bless his heart - he just has tidiness issues. Particularly laundry issues. We're workin' on it ;) he has made small improvements over the year and we'll continue to work on these...

Cheerio. I'll try and update more this week just to record what THE HELL is going on in my head before this !!!!

-Angela
angelak: (Girl needs a boy)
It’s a good day for an LJ post. What contrasting weekends, this weekend and last! Last weekend I was peppered with Seattle-events, my sweet and dear new friend from Australia, (we’ve only known each other since CGW5) but none the less.
This weekend was special in 2 ways already. I hadn’t seen Mom in a couple of weeks, which was feeling weird this time around because we’d seen TONS of each other for a couple of weeks prior (particularly with Amber being a puppy and Classy the car needing trips to the mechanic.) AND, Amanda got married.

Long Updating. )

-Angela
angelak: (Trapped)
Golly, I feel like the last segment of my life looks like this user icon.
I used to move with the flow of life and let it permeate my path, let it guide me, direct me, and was sort of taking things as they came along.

I feel that I resist a lot of shifts and changes now that I'm an adult, and that earlier in my life it was just a given to see life shift and flex and change. Now that I've been in the same position in my job, attached to the notion of numbers in my bank account, my identity in an organization... I'm frozen and paralyzed as to accept changes, shifts. My ideals are like mist in the center of a fog-cloud.

What do I want? What is it exactly that I am missing? I obsess over my body a lot more than I should. I obsess over what I have or don't have. I'm desperately seeking something to do with my energy.

Some changes I'll be making from here on out and have been implementing in the last week or two:

+ Less Yoga - I was using it as escapism. Actually, as of now I haven't gone at all in a couple of weeks.
+ Foot commuting to work when I can
+ Running, because I love it. Because my knees are improved. Because in spite of my weight, I'm still a stronger runner in a lot of ways than I was at my lowest size.
+ Switching from Four-Tens to Five-Eights at work

I don't know what else to do with myself, but I do need to seek ways to fill my life up.
Not a lot going on in my life. It's been that way for a long time. It causes me to focus all my energy on my body, on introspection, on everything that can actually backfire on me.

Placing too much value on size-shape, obsessive compulsive working out - anxiety surrounding change - depression regarding my feelings that feelings aren't acceptable to feel.

I've come a long ways. Yes, it's true!!!
With the onset of some strange physical changes in short order, I'm having to really confront some stuff. Like the fact that the physical changes are directly pointing to everything I've known for a long time: I've got a lot of emotional things that are lingering, that I'm carrying around. So what happens? The body represents that and it appears in tangible form.

And I really need to let my life change and to seek opportunities for passion. I've been racheting around with what my ideas are for this for months. Wow.

-Angela
angelak: (Attitude)
Okay, okay. Warning. This is a girlie type post. If you don't groove on that - feel free to skip it. But, let's face it. I'm female, people. Don't you forget it! Here goes:

Just livin' the good life.
I had taken 5 days off from yoga last week - and essentially not gone for what seemed like an entire week?
Was an odd sensation to go back. The Yoga itself felt normal. It seemed pretty easy to get back into the flow - minus a couple of light headed spells (not surprised).

It was more or less the showers/locker room afterward. I felt kind of emotionally off anyway after the class (probably knocked loose some energetic crud) and it seemed Mala and Michelle wanted to talk to me during my shower. I could barely stay present in my own mind let alone respond to these ladies. (This was also after a 10 minute Savasana. I probably should have waited another 5-10 minutes, hindsight tells me.)

Michelle is Grant's chica. Grant is a pal of mine. Grant has also asked me out. But for all intents and purposes, I have not gone through with anything mostly because his policy is, "Michelle knows I am single. That's why my facebook says single, doncha know?" It seems that Grant's "communication" is surrounded with evasive techniques, rather than full disclosure, which is what I pretty much require in a potential dating partner.

And while Michelle is very nice to me most of the time - she seems to have her bitch-dar on a small portion of the time (I can feel it). She sees me as a potential threat. Perhaps according to her reality, I am. I'm not touching that situation with an 80 foot pole. Well, today she seemed to come sauntering in to the showers, in her best "Look, I'm hot. I'm sexy. I'm the sexiest here," walk. I wasn't exactly feeling great physically yesterday. In fact, read: gut ache all day. I am not at all feeling hot. I'm not feeling sexy. I'm actually feeling, in the showers at that moment - a bit of the, "are my legs REALLY this thick compared to the rest of the female yoga population!??!??!" moment.

This is when Michelle asks in a regular tone, "so, did you just stop coming?"
And I was like, "What?" "or were you just picking different times lately?"

Look, people. I didn't go to class for 5 or 6 classes. I understand for a year and a half, I've been the 4-6 times a week girl. But goddamnit, sometimes life happens. Sometimes you just need a mental fucking break... right?!?

Right.

I shake my head for a second and go, "no, I was just busy last week."
Where in, Mala comes in. Mala is the sweetest woman ever, by the way. Somehow, at my studio people know me. I mean - they really like me. Most of them. I think it's because I'm nice, blahbalbhaab.
Sometimes this can backfire when your brain is toast.

I had been wanting to go to teacher training for a while. But, life may not have that in the plans for the immediate future. In fact, I don't really know. If I did - I would have to find a good solid 11k lying around, take a leave of absence at this point, and pay for bills for 9 weeks without income.

Seeing as I've had a lot of career "what the hell am I doing," ness going around since like, 2 years ago - and really only recently have I found some personal direction... I could barely get the words out, in the quietest tone I am sure anyone has ever heard come out of my mouth, "I don't know."

And I left the shower bay as quickly as I could without getting dizzy and falling over. Yes - it was that kind of moment. I wanted out, out, out - away from people, away from questions, away from tiny thighed twig women. Look - I know I'm pretty good lookin'. I'm not over the moon about how "hot," and "sexy," I am, but I know I'm not less than a 6 or 7. That's fine. But some days you just feel like a giant walrus. No matter what your actual size is. I think part of this is my period was approaching AND I was sick.

Suffice to say - I almost left my yoga clothes on the floor in the yoga room (would have pissed me off). But Michelle helped me not forget it. She was being her very nice self as usual. She is really nice most of the time. But there is miss-I-can-become-a-crazy-bitch lurking underneath that. I know people well enough to spot these sort of folks. They're regular people. Don't get me wrong...

Anyway. I also couldn't help but shake my head thinking, "Michelle has had 2 kids. How does she rate to look like that after physiological mutilation?" Okay, okay. Melodramatic, I know. Not everyone is going to become crazy stretched out and not drop their baby-fat.

:)

Kids don't equate to ugly unsexy woman. Not remotely. Logic knows this. But my thigh envy side doesn't.
;) I also have to remember that I am probably 4-5 inches taller than most of these tiny yoga people. Whatever. IT was also Asian night at the studio. Asians tend to make me feel like a giant. My bone structure compared to these 5 foot tall, rail boards... is substantial. This is what makes me, me. Unbreakable.

-Angela
angelak: (Contemplating Angela)
It's Friday and I'm beginning my 4 day weekend!!! I worked Monday, cutting my regular weekend schedule short by 1 day. And was able to flex today. So, 4 days away from the place that feels so draining lately. I know I'm fortunate to be employed in this day and age - but that doesn't change everything.

Today I wanted to get up in the AM and get tons of stuff done. My alarm wasn't on. So I slept in instead. I guess that is okay. I am going to the noon Bikram Yoga class, and hoping to give hiking on a more flat terrain a try for the first time in months. My physical therapist said I should give it a shot before my exit date. I would go first, but I also wouldn't mind heading out to Snohomish later today and seeing my mother... so we'll see how all that goes.

In other news:
I've been working hard at dropping a few lbs that I gained on medical leave. I refused the scale for 3 months and have been putting forth a moderate effort. I work out a lot - but I know the real formula is nutrition and food. Yesterday, a friend of mine (cop) and I were talking about his recent weight loss when he at some point said "you looked awesome when you were running." Well, first off. I've been running for a month or so now... it made me feel a bit down. He wasn't trying to be negative, but my #1 downfall is comparing myself to myself. I avoid now at all costs "back when I was like X" comparisons because they tend to put me into a depressive cycle.

It didn't fully put me there yesterday, but I was down the rest of the day. Yes, I can be sensitive. (No, he had no idea).
I'm good at playing stuff off when they bother me. Needless to say, I *KNOW* I've made several pounds progress in the last 2 months. Thing is, the past couple weeks I have been unsure of my progress. I was using clothes as a measure. I think I am ready to make the shift to weekly weigh ins again, and using numbers to guide me. Also trying to remember that numbers are not EVERYTHING.

Regardless, perhaps remembering I will be weighing in on my weekly weigh in day will cause me to think twice on decisions day in and day out also.

After refusing the scale for 3 months, I was brave. Today starts day 1 of weekly weigh ins. Preferred goal of 140, lowest ever adult weight was 138, and today I weigh 154. I can do this.

I think my first mini goal will be 149. Issue is, I'll be heading to Vegas for a personal growth workshop at the beginning of October for 5 days. I am hoping to ENJOY some of my time there, but also not destroy the next 2 weeks worth of work I'll be doing :P

Regardless, it's time to get back on the downward wagon and to set up better habits and a better plan at this point in my journey. Although I am far better than I've been in my adulthood - I still know where I'm happiest with my body. Fortunately, where I am at is not over weight. It's middle of the road, average. My preference is ... not to be average.
:)

Anyways. Looking forward to Yoga, HOPEFULLY A HIKE! And then possibly some time in the North side.

-Angela
angelak: (Sad)
It would seem I hit a mental wall about 10 days ago.
And then I began thinking my healing was doing much better.
And tonight I had a minor depressive episode.
Well shit. This is confusing.
The last fortnight has been a bit of an emotional tossup.
Trying hard not to let it all go to shit.
Finding it a struggle to stay happy.

Shoot, shoot.
My Yoga practice has been strange.
Okay, I can accept that.
I didn't go tonight - I slept through it.
Jim's observation is that whenever I sleep TOO much, my body is more likely to go into the depressive state. He says it's like it gets angry that I slept TOO much.
I've never heard of anything like this. I think my depression and sleep and diet are all related. (Okay, duh). But I am not too sure that the sleep is just a bi-product of feeling really lousy.
Let's face it - when you're really bummed, it's easier to escape through sleep.

Today I felt like I was avoiding class because it has been such a misery for me. Instead of the usual (mostly) joy. What the fuck?
Reading my last 10-days entries has me thinking my brain and heart are all over the board.
Shit, shit, shit.

Must stay patient. Jim thinks the Yoga has done nothing but good for me, I tend to agree.
We have had our most stable months in our relationship during the Yoga-months. Really.
We've been happiest and most harmonious. I'm not a fool to think it isn't related. It is. And of the two of us, I'm the trouble-maker in the relationship. You know - the moody one.

He is slightly more flexible than me sometimes. But I come close.
Regardless. Instead of being pissy, I've been able to stay calm and collected even when he irritates me. Bonus.

Now if I can only keep myself from skipping classes. Granted, maybe it's okay to take it easy this week. My head and heart are all over the board, after all. It's harder work when life is throwing me all kinds of emo-sludge.

Nothing felt cope-able tonight.
Perhaps next week will show me a little more kindness.
Jim's observation is that the emotional side of this knee trauma is far worse on me than the actual pain. He is often times correct.
The more time I spend with Jim as an integral part of my daily life, the more I find he is just what I need.

On a less angsty note; he is positive, intelligent, hilarious, adorable, kind-hearted, genuine, and at times sensual. Don't take this wrong, but of all of those things, I think sex is my lowest priority. It's not that it's not important to me. It's that sex is fleeting. And all the rest are things I need more frequently.

Sex is often superb, although occasionally I find him a tiny bit more vanilla than me. *shrugs* I'm okay with that - obviously.

The things that are more important:
He makes me laugh all the time.
And being around someone who smiles so much is really refreshing for the soul.

So, while I'm sad right now - I also realize the bounty of my fortune in life.
I have a home that I've worked hard for and love. It's our own. We've made it our own. I accept that clothes on the floor in the bedroom is not the end of the world.

I have 2 dogs that adore me and 1 waiting to become a love-source like the others.
They annoy me to no end, and yet they're so rewarding and know just when I'm at my lowest.
And then they decide to treat me accordingly, by acting as adorable as they know how.

I own a car that I really like.

More than that - I have a really solid family, and friends out there who would probably be there for me more if they knew how, or I made that more possible.

We both have jobs.
We both make enough money to make ends meet and have enough.
Our partnership is laden with straight forward, no-games or passive aggressive communication.
I love that he is a communicator. I love that Jim feels happiest dealing with problems immediately. It is he who makes me realize how long I hold onto crap sometimes before I let loose with it.

I am thankful his perspective on life is so real and so positive.
"Every day someone isn't shooting at me is a good day."
Who can argue with that?
And, once a soldier, always a soldier.

I am thankful that although I may be up 5lbs or so, I haven't gained back the weight I lost in 2007. This IS a feat, considering my 2008 situation.
Right now I appreciate my small waist, and try and ignore my hippy-ness. (As in hips).

I accept that for the most part, I'm not so bad looking. I clean up okay ;)
I am also thankful I changed my lifestyle in 2007.
I will try to remember these things as the knees scream at my soul.
They are not all consuming giant knees of doom.
They shouldn't take over my whole heart.

I am also thankful for my dishwasher. I lived years without one. I love dishwashers. I love not hand washing my dishes. I love how clean and shiny my dishes get in a dishwasher, when by hand I could never get them to be this way.

I love my silent, but present supporters.
And I appreciate my community and everything they've added to my life.
Yes, you pagans.
I adore you all.

Now, I'm really going to let go of this fear and go to Yoga class tomorrow with no judgments on myself. No judgments, no expectations. That will be my mantra. No worries that I skipped class THREE times now in one week. Wow, that is definitely a new record. So what, though.

I will be there in class tomorrow. Ready or not.
One thing I do not take for granted today, is my connection to the kindest man I've known.

-Angela
angelak: (ShadowFax)
It's Friday! At last. This week has kind of draaaaagggged by.

Skip it if you're not into me talking about health and weight and the impacts. One day I woke up and my life changed. )

-Angela

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