Butterflies and inner movements
Jun. 11th, 2010 09:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakGolly, I feel like the last segment of my life looks like this user icon.
I used to move with the flow of life and let it permeate my path, let it guide me, direct me, and was sort of taking things as they came along.
I feel that I resist a lot of shifts and changes now that I'm an adult, and that earlier in my life it was just a given to see life shift and flex and change. Now that I've been in the same position in my job, attached to the notion of numbers in my bank account, my identity in an organization... I'm frozen and paralyzed as to accept changes, shifts. My ideals are like mist in the center of a fog-cloud.
What do I want? What is it exactly that I am missing? I obsess over my body a lot more than I should. I obsess over what I have or don't have. I'm desperately seeking something to do with my energy.
Some changes I'll be making from here on out and have been implementing in the last week or two:
+ Less Yoga - I was using it as escapism. Actually, as of now I haven't gone at all in a couple of weeks.
+ Foot commuting to work when I can
+ Running, because I love it. Because my knees are improved. Because in spite of my weight, I'm still a stronger runner in a lot of ways than I was at my lowest size.
+ Switching from Four-Tens to Five-Eights at work
I don't know what else to do with myself, but I do need to seek ways to fill my life up.
Not a lot going on in my life. It's been that way for a long time. It causes me to focus all my energy on my body, on introspection, on everything that can actually backfire on me.
Placing too much value on size-shape, obsessive compulsive working out - anxiety surrounding change - depression regarding my feelings that feelings aren't acceptable to feel.
I've come a long ways. Yes, it's true!!!
With the onset of some strange physical changes in short order, I'm having to really confront some stuff. Like the fact that the physical changes are directly pointing to everything I've known for a long time: I've got a lot of emotional things that are lingering, that I'm carrying around. So what happens? The body represents that and it appears in tangible form.
And I really need to let my life change and to seek opportunities for passion. I've been racheting around with what my ideas are for this for months. Wow.
-Angela
I used to move with the flow of life and let it permeate my path, let it guide me, direct me, and was sort of taking things as they came along.
I feel that I resist a lot of shifts and changes now that I'm an adult, and that earlier in my life it was just a given to see life shift and flex and change. Now that I've been in the same position in my job, attached to the notion of numbers in my bank account, my identity in an organization... I'm frozen and paralyzed as to accept changes, shifts. My ideals are like mist in the center of a fog-cloud.
What do I want? What is it exactly that I am missing? I obsess over my body a lot more than I should. I obsess over what I have or don't have. I'm desperately seeking something to do with my energy.
Some changes I'll be making from here on out and have been implementing in the last week or two:
+ Less Yoga - I was using it as escapism. Actually, as of now I haven't gone at all in a couple of weeks.
+ Foot commuting to work when I can
+ Running, because I love it. Because my knees are improved. Because in spite of my weight, I'm still a stronger runner in a lot of ways than I was at my lowest size.
+ Switching from Four-Tens to Five-Eights at work
I don't know what else to do with myself, but I do need to seek ways to fill my life up.
Not a lot going on in my life. It's been that way for a long time. It causes me to focus all my energy on my body, on introspection, on everything that can actually backfire on me.
Placing too much value on size-shape, obsessive compulsive working out - anxiety surrounding change - depression regarding my feelings that feelings aren't acceptable to feel.
I've come a long ways. Yes, it's true!!!
With the onset of some strange physical changes in short order, I'm having to really confront some stuff. Like the fact that the physical changes are directly pointing to everything I've known for a long time: I've got a lot of emotional things that are lingering, that I'm carrying around. So what happens? The body represents that and it appears in tangible form.
And I really need to let my life change and to seek opportunities for passion. I've been racheting around with what my ideas are for this for months. Wow.
-Angela
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-11 05:51 pm (UTC)Muchly
Date: 2010-06-11 07:11 pm (UTC):)
-Angela
Re: Muchly
Date: 2010-06-11 07:38 pm (UTC)Re: Muchly
Date: 2010-06-11 07:40 pm (UTC)Sometimes realizing that trying new stuff, liking, disliking - whatever, is a realization process and is entirely something that could really change the tempo of life.
I will have to think about all the things I have never done. Start with a brain storming session and go onwards!
What a great idea.
You are a dear.
-Angela
Re: Muchly
Date: 2010-06-11 07:47 pm (UTC)Sometimes for me, in the scope of life, I find a curious interest in something, but don't have the time to explore it.. so it goes on the "one of these days" pile. Times like these are when it's good to go sorting through the pile, and live by the other mantra from the Tom Cruise classic, Risky Business: "Sometimes you gotta say "What the Fuck", make your move." "Every now and then, saying "What the Fuck", brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future."
Re: Muchly
Date: 2010-06-11 07:49 pm (UTC)lol.
-Angela