Deeper than the Surface

It makes me so damn happy to see my bro happy.
<3

-Angela

Yesterday was a day of sorts to remember. Grandpa had sewer issues in his house - we mobilized a plan to get this taken care of last weekend. Being the money person is never that awesome in this circumstance. We didn't anticipate what was going to be needed, figured it would be your standard plumbing bill. Instead it turns out the line between the house and the main near the street was pulverized by tree roots, old age. The $7,000 would be needed to take care of it, or his house would be condemned within 24 hours. Got this sorted out, and it has been paid for now. It was nice to know that my Uncle expressed his gratitude for the ordeal of managing the funds. He understood the magnitude of what it could have been like (as did my Mom) if I hadn't been in charge of management. And also that it must be a headache for me at times. HE's right, it is at times. I'm not very good at it - but the previous person who stole the role of money manager for the grandparents when Grandma was around.... well, he spent it all like it was his own.

So, like you do when you are me and have been working very hard to get the balance on his bank accounts higher and higher while paying his normal bills and operating costs (food!)... well, you take a sigh of relief after double checking the balance. He has enough for this. I was unsure for a moment, I hadn't checked his account in a while.

After that heart stopping moment of "how much does he have?!?" I have decided that I will be keeping a closer week to week eye on that. Handling his money forces me not to pretend money doesn't exist. This includes my own. Damn. I suppose I should address my money more efficiently anyway. Apparently this is my year of getting money management together. I just ... I'm reluctant! Damnit!
There is one thing I am good at: Hoarding money and not spending it when the proper need is there. Saving is something I can turn on like a switch when I need to. This comes from having no money in my childhood. Lately I've been failing in this arena in my own personal finances, but that is another story.

Onto the fun:
Ignition is a Fire troupe. Sean, Kat, and Tierney - who were involved with the Rite of Sol show I was in, are members of this fire troupe. It is looking like I will be involved in this. I know it sounds like I haven't had enough cool things to do ... you know, yoga, amateur drama, running, whatever... I suppose I need more ;)

Great timing for me with this... they did their Fire Safety course last night. That's bonus, means it will likely be super easy for me to be involved either on or off stage at whatever point. Will continue learning about the troupe and what is involved and what they do and how they do it and all of that. For now, I will suffice to say Fire Safety in 30 degree weather is hardcore. Cold wet towels ....... very cold.

Thank goodness for UA ColdGear.

I'm now on Phase 2 of HCG until vacation. That means I'm eating food again.
Happy. Starting to feel pretty good. Happy.
Enjoying healthy doses of NRE. Looking forward to my impending vacation to Kauai, Hawaii!!!! It's coming up and I am so so excited!
That's enough for now. Better than no post at all!

-Angela

It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela

Not full of a lot of words right now. Not remotely. Week 5 has been interesting. Working through the posture clinics, working through the yoga, learning how to relax through situations that I just can’t be any better in. Booked Jim’s flight early in the week so he could fly in this weekend. I felt much more grounded all week long. I started off the week delivering triangle and did pretty well if I do say so myself. Next day was not so great, but they’re all blurring together by the end of the week.
People all were saying it would be “hell” week. I get tired of the labeling and the mock predictions. The heat in the hot room went up Thursday and Friday. I worked very hard in these hot classes, especially the ones where Bikram was there. Jim Kallet’s Friday night class wasn’t really motivating, but we got through that too.
Then Jim came to visit. It was nice to have him here. I wish I had a mental head space for words about all the things going on. But I just feel inadequate to write down what is going on to me here. It’s and up and down process, and sometimes – I just don’t have words for any of it. I know I’m changing somehow, I know I am also becoming better and better at memorizing, but I feel unsure of what that really looks like. I miss Jim already, we just dropped him off at the airport.

He showed up after my Saturday morning class, and honestly it felt surreal. Having him here felt very natural, very normal – but it also felt like just by having him here, the yoga bubble was somewhat deflated. And I liked that. That was a good thing. I also felt like I was retaining the lines better with him here. Someone to talk to, to lean on, to touch… I think I miss touch the most here. It was almost easier without having seen him to not miss him because I had become so accustomed to it, in ways. But so much is clear to me now. How much our shared energy really works for me and who I am as a person, how much his company really is organic and comfortable and everything I could ask for in a partner. He’s the most perfect person I could never have imagined to share my life with.
He doesn’t have to do anything or be a certain way – he just is this for me.
So, I mostly retained 2 postures so far over the weekend and still have a few hours of the night to pick up one or two before bed? We’ll see. I figured I’d write in this blog before my brain falls out. He helped me study all weekend by just listening and letting me say stuff outloud and just generally being with me. So the touch part – the leaning on someone is the most difficult part.

The weekend with Jim included us renting a car so we could drive to Venice Beach, we went shopping there, Jim got 3 specialty shirts down on the boardwalk there, and I got one. We went to the Santa Monica pier, we ate at Bubba Gump’s – but the food was not the best for my sensitive apparently – system. Who knew my body would be more sensitive after all this probable detoxing? Today we went to Manhatten beach, had breakfast, got tea, went to a bakery, went and did all my errands, and just hung out at the ocean for a while, took a solid nap snuggling each other. He also went with me to Kohl’s to find more posture clinic clothes. Then we met up with Curtis for dinner, and Curtis took him to the airport and dropped me off back at the hotel.

The weekend with Jim felt long, but now that he is gone it is only mildly difficult to know I have 4 more weeks before I see him again, and a lot of work ahead of me. I just hope this week I can power through and stay strong. I know we’ll continue getting less sleep, and my body felt fatigued as hell this weekend. Hopefully I will regain energy as the week starts off and that I will be able to spit out words on que. I can see how nice it will be to come home and resume regular life with my best friend … that part is clear to me. Hard to see him go, it was a welcome reprieve from the “living with folks who know me, but not the real, real me.” Sigh. What a week last week was. I am proud of last week, but also looking ahead and feeling overwhelmed for week 6. And I’m not sure why!

-Angela

A run is on deck after work, but I don't know how I am going to survive. I feel frozen outside today. I think it's like 36F in Issaquah. I forgot to grab gloves, so there is only one glove in my car that I was able to dig up. I'm not sure I want to have one warm hand and one cold one. Brrrr. So cold outside. Feels colder than it did last week - I'm guessing that icy wind doesn't help matters.

The weekend flew by. Saturday we went to Port Townsend, where Grandma Santo lives. This is pretty much a whole day affair. We delivered a puppy to her because one of her two dogs died. Bummer. This was a Sheltie puppy. Very cute little boy and hopefully all goes well with the adjustments.

We then went back home. I chillaxed at home, and then Sunday came. Worked out, did things around the house, and then went to Russian class. Coming along with the learnings. Hopefully when I am done being frozen tonight after work, I will do a major study session and get all my material ready to study for next week. Including a couple of written dialogues of using the 4 different forms of "to go."

Anyways. I'm inching towards my evening workout. In the frigid, frosty cold.
And for fun, I'll go ahead post a picture of me and my other Grandmother.

( Бабушка и меня - Grandma and Me. )

As Sasha has mentioned... I've been catching up with family that I haven't seen in years, a lot lately.

-Angela

Not a whole lot is new today. Taken care of a few things at work, but it is otherwise a little slow.
WEDNESDAY.

:)

Cleaned some of the house on lunch with Jim, who was actually awake. Me shifting my schedule has sort of caused him to start going to bed early and trying to get up earlier? I'm a little confused, seeing as the first week of my 8's, I came home and was enjoying solo time. I also enjoy lunch with him if he isn't pulling for the "eating out," option.

Today I made us baked potatoes and broccoli. (Microwaved these while we did an ultra cleaning session!) This made him very happy because I dumped his in cheese.

After much whining - I have a few plans on the calendar as far as events that don't include hanging around the house. They look like this:

Sunday afternoon (June 27-28th) we will probably drive down to the coast somewhere. Long Beach, WA is sounding tempting to me, and I am requesting Monday off from my boss because Jim has a rare few days off: Sun, Mon, Tues. So, we'll probably hang out in Long Beach for a little while and then I will come back to work on Tuesday and Jim will happily enjoy a day off doing his gaming fun.

We have booked our flights to Lubbock, Texas for the hottest time of the year. July 29th-August 2nd, we'll be flying out to spend time with Jim's Dad over Jim's birthday (Lughnasadh/August 1st is Jim's 28th birthday) - His Dad lives in Lubbock. This is both good and bad. The flight dough is my vacation flight dough. We're spending it on family/not exactly vacationing in my mind.

He says his Dad is planning some fun attraction type events... so I suppose this will be okay. It isn't exactly my standard vision of vacation, but I admit. I want to explore as many states in the US as I can. I've never been to Texas, nasty political scenes aside. I just hope I can plan another actual vacation in a hotel and not have to stress over family eventually. He did assure me we'd do some vacationy stuff... so I sort of let my whine-streak go. Also, it IS family and his Dad is a great guy. It will be special for him to spend his birthday with his Dad. Not just to him, but to Barry, his Dad.

And I'm anxious for this next plan because I will need an attitude adjustment before I go.
As in, REMINDING myself that the main goal for me is to DO something, out of the house, and spend time with Jim doing something OUT of the ordinary.

September 3, 4, 5 we have already gotten our tickets to PAX 2010.

:) It's a gaming festival. A 3-day gaming festival. I'm not exactly a gamer. But... I do think shaking my routine up and doing something EXCEEDINGLY different is a good idea. So we've already got our tix. SK: if you're out there and going, please let me know!!! I'd love to get together with you and your wife and make it an event.

As far as anything else, I haven't yet scheduled anything else. However, this is hugely important seeing as we've been sort of uneventful for quite some time. I hope the coming weeks will see us spending time on the South side with the army guys. Being around that crowd makes life awesome.

-Angela

What's up, FriendsList!?
It's almost 1700 and I should be making serious work progress. But I don't want to.


MERCURY HAS GONE DIRECT today, and it is my sister's 29th birthday. Sweet. You know... if I had to choose the personalities of my siblings, I would have never have created a unique blend that equates to who my sister is. And yet, I'm terribly proud of her, envious of her often, and confused by our ever-unexplainable relationship.

We're so alike. We're so different.
We will choose the exact same styles and like all the same things.
And yet we'll clash at times like oil and water.
Then other times... we'll be like peas in a pod.

Who knows.
I think our relationship is unlike... many sister-sister relationships. I mean, we're not ooey gooey, sappy. But then, I doubt Jill is anything like ooey gooey about pretty much anything.

She's unclassifiable.
As I get older, I'm a lot less inclined to compete, but we've always had a strange competitive streak at times. Often times, it's odd to be the younger sister and also at times make the first "moves," on certain things. For instance, in junior high and high school, I started dressing more girlie. My sister followed, after she first mocked the hell out of me.

I moved out first, she followed suit. Although, admittedly - she and her fella purchased their first home before me and Jimmers... :D

Anyways. Just rambling ... just procrastinating while I should be working. Supporting people with my technical prowess.

-Angela

To start off with: Sorry for the typo's. I had no time to edit this.

I have not wrote a thing lately.
I took this week off and have been relaxing and exercising and just being. It's been great.
Last weekend was my immediate family's holiday party. Following that was a trip to Portland to do Jim's family party.
Christmas day was Grandma's like always.

I've been really happy lately, feeling very content.
This is a blessing and I have worked through some very narly life crap to reach this current point in my life.

I have been very social, and all that.
On our family party, my brother pretty much didn't show up because him and the wife were fighting. I've never viewed their relationship as stellar, but for the most part I say very little about it - and I respect his choice for what makes him happy in his life.

They had a hum-dinger fight on the 19th, and the following day they made up or whatever and him and his wife got to go hang out and celebrate family time with mom and dad, and not with the rest of our immediate sibs. My mom tried very hard to get the 3 of us kids back to do her own holiday gathering. She'd been really missing that.

Well, it was a pretty hum dinger like fight that made me feel pretty uncomfortable watching. She tends to be very dramatic and controlling, I won't go into talking about anything else. He accepts this and carries out his life pretty happily. Since his marriage, I rarely see him. That's been fine. I get it - we all grow and end up with our own separate lives. He works a heavy schedule in the last couple of years (he has rather).

There have been times I've felt however, that I can't get through to him - without being filtered through Melissa (the wife). She was the holder of the phone. When I'd call, no one would ever pick up. So I gave up. I stopped called about 3 years ago. She tends to hold a grudge and then stone wall people.
I'm not saying she doesn't have her positive sides, it's just that I've gotten to witness and FEEL the other side of her. IF I disagree and won't back down, she tends to shut down and then I find myself not getting allowed into their home, or even communicating with them for months. This is a true thing.

This time, I was reading an LJ-friends post on Christmas Day about emotional abuse. I wasn't thinking too heavily - I was just killing time while getting ready to leave. I remembered how miserable he had been the day of the 19th. He looked forlorn, lost, confused, and miserable. Not quite a broken man, but pushed to his absolute limits by parts of their relationship. I tried to be supportive but was obviously not in the arguement and knew little else of what was going on. I'm not in their relationship - I have no idea what most of their life LOOKS like. But I know she was calling my mom freaking out and saying she "hit a guard rail" and she needed James or she needed someone to come pick her up. She didn't hit a guardrail. She was just trying to get ANYONE to respond and pick up. He had went for a drive to the pass to try and sort his thoughts. It began to feel like manipulation, and it frankly unsettled me to watch her go from my brother - who stopped answering his phone, to my mom.

To her mom. Etc. Eventually they all said, "call 911 if there is a real problem - or go home and give the man an couple of hours to himself."

Anyways, after a dramatic holiday party I was left with just this image in my head. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind until I read the emotional abuse article the friend posted. I thought of James. (My brother).

I hesitated for a moment - then I thought, "there's no harm in sending some info about this, just in case. To people you love... sometimes it's good to make sure they're looking out for themselves."

I sent the following facebook message:

"http://hps-sterling.livejournal.com/539733.html?view=1738069&style=mine#t1738069

A friend on my list posted this. Unfortunately, I thought of you.
:(
Maybe this isn't at all what's up with your situation.
But it's good to be aware of these patterns anyway. For everyone. Even if you aren't experiencing it."

I promptly forgot I sent it on Xmas morning at all (around 7AM).

We went, had our holiday get together, and went home. I went about my business.
The following day I finally notice my phone is ringing (apparently I was too relaxed in the la la land of doing my own errands I didn't hear the first 6 calls).

He had been calling me over and over and over until I finally picked up. My brother normally doesn't DO this. I pick up, all chill. He pretty much starts freaking the hell out on me. He is sounding in intense emotional distress all over again.

He informs me first off that he's upset about the link I sent him. I'm thinking about what link I sent him at all, when he says "Melissa reads my email." Well, I don't think on these terms. No one reads my email. Last person who tried to read my email was Steve. I dumped him that day. It's not that Jim can't, we just tend to give each other space. When I write email to people, I have in mind that JUST they will see it. Well, he starts wigging out in all manner of near hysterics at me. My brother is a very laid back guy. He has never spoken to me, or acted this way towards me in all my life.

I am hindered here, I don't remember AT ALL what I wrote, at this point. I apologize, I try and say, "it shouldn't be a big deal if there isn't a problem," but he is off the deep end and not listening. He says there was a problem because THAT is what I think about him and his marriage. He tells me it's my fault and I've opened up all of their problems all over again - and I say, "I won't take responsibility for that. That's not my fault." I try and say, "if someone sent that to me about me and Jim, we'd shrug it off and say thanks for caring but uh, we're fine."

I tried to tell him I had no idea what their marriage was like, that I couldn't know what it was like. That I never get to see him or her for that matter. He goes off on hoiw much he's working. He goes off on how the fertility drugs that she is taking is why she's acting wacko, that it's stressful and that they want a kid. I know all this already, I'm getting overwhelmed with the situation, I have no idea what to say anymore. I'm in shock.

I say something like, "well if it's not working then it's not working! Maybe you shouldn't have a kid" mistake, that isn't what I meant to say - I was just panicking from being verbally screamed at by my "never raise his voice" brother. I realize she is sitting right next to him. I realize SHE had to have wanted him to call me, and he was so angry that the link she found opened up her anger all over again - all her problems with the situation that had been happening exactly a week prior.

I'm at a loss. I try and inject logic, saying I was sorry - but I had no idea what else I wrote when I sent the link. I hadn't expected a fight to be born out of it, I had expected if anything for it to be shrugged off.

No, not at all. I finally hang up after saying something like, "I can't do this anymore."
I wasn't going to revoke my thoughts, I said I THOUGHT of him, I didn't say I was CERTAIN this was the case. I felt pretty lousy in general, but knew it was too late. I had sent the informational link.
If anything, I felt like this was proving the point of a problem - but wished for half a minute I hadn't sent it.

Was I being too meddlesome? Well, no one had told me any more after the argument. In my mind, information like this can help people - or it can be one of those things you're like, "k, you're over reacting about my situation." I just got to watch everyone go through it. I just got to watch his tears, watch his gut wrenching pain. He tried to tell me all relationships get rocky and that I should know because I'd been through some.
He told me his marriage was happy and great. I said "well fantastic! Then this post is pretty much null!" But he kept going on and on. ANd persisting on the phone, not letting me go.

I also didn't marry these people I had the most rocky times with. I also moved on eventually and learned that sometimes - the way people treat you emotionally that puts you at these points is really not worth it. But I didn't say that.

The intent behind sending the entry she wrote was not to break them up - to be a threat. It was to try and help him be sure he was empowered, to make sure he has the best happiness in his life. I know it's up to him, and that I have no impact over that. But the level I care for this guy is pretty deep. It breaks me up to see him so miserable. He was miserable, both weekends.

My wish for him is ultimate happiness, and empowerment. I don't care if he stays with this woman, as long as they are healthy together. If they aren't - it still has nothing to do with my directly. Big picture - who cares what anyone else thinks of your relationship? I learned that as a 19 year old dating a 47 year old. I had to let go of that stuff.
Oddly - I learned about emotional abuse most from THAT relationship.

To be noted, I took the quiz myself, I asked myself if I or Jim were doing these things to each other, before I sent the link to James also. I wanted to check in with myself. We all are human and forget that our actions aren't always what they seem. I like to be sure I'm treating and being treated the best in intimate relationships. I was accessing the info from this standpoint, viewpoint. :( I'm so dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a long while. Remember the stone walling? I predict the rest of the marriage will be a stone walled thing.
Happy Holidays!

-Angela

To check out just how spoiled my dog is...
Go here to see his birthday fun :P
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24197129@N08/sets/72157615707906426/detail/

-Angela

Random.
I miss my brother.
I wrote an email that reminded me of something he would say for some reason. I have a tendency to re-read stuff before I send it out... this particular email had a James flavor to it.

I used to have a lot of people (and I am not talking about on this list or in the community) ... well, days gone by, who were my best pals and then one day things shifted. And now they're just sort of... inaccessible.

It reminds me to take no current flow of relationships for granted, because you never know when lives will shift and you will be transitioned out of a regular part of the lives.

I used to spend a lot of time hanging out with my brother.
Now it has been years. *sigh* What a life, right?
Not really complaining, just wishing it wasn't a rare thing to be in his life.
Oh well. With Melissa around and the close runner up of Boeing - I know life is just not likely to return to a "James" filled state.

-Angela