Deeper than the Surface

Here begins one of a few Rufus related posts...

Other than that, I am still contemplating writing a pretty decent post on Rufus soon. I've stopped writing in LJ because well. I'm sort of off kilter, to be sure. Nothing extreme. Just living and all that, but there are some things. Yoga has been a huge challenge lately, as I feel my balance is waaaay off. I wrote in my facebook a little bit of what has been flowing through my mind on the subject:

"Yoga last night felt great (although I think it killed me DURING class). Feeling less emotional during class about stuff in life - but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel like someone cut out one of my organs and I'm trying to figure out how to re-balance all over again. I miss you, Ru Ru! I'm rebalancing and calibrating, slowly."

While some more intense sadness cut through my days sporadically in the last week - everything is simmering down lately with that. Things still make me sad, but I feel like I really processed a lot of my grief during and after yoga sessions lately. Particularly my very first class back. The Yoga makes it impossible to stuff anything away, put it in a corner and shove it under a rug. It really does. I was also doing a 7 day raw food detox at the beginning of all this. Which means I wasn't stuffing my emotions down with any kind of food. It's really hard to stuff emotions down with fresh fruits and veggies only, zero processed foods.

The raw food detox went well. Although the Rufus stuff happened on the first day of my trial, I decided to stick with it precisely so that I could feel things fully. What better way to honor the dog than by treating myself 100% healthily like this?
14 years is a long time to stick it out with anyone.
The first few days in the house, it seemed insanely empty. The energy that dog threw over my household was pretty grounded and warm. I didn't realize how far that extended, naturally - until it was fading. His living energy shifted and suddenly the whole house seemed a little more empty for it.

Admittedly, it was also a huge relief for this moment to have finally come. Ever since he got sick 2 months ago, he wasn't the same. His weight shifted downwards even more, his appetite never returned with it's life-long gusto. The dog was in love with food more than anything else. His sole purpose in life beyond being my comrade, was to get his next bite in. When the Ru that recovered from his sickness was just not that "interested," in food, I knew the time was coming. I also knew his body reflected it all. I remember in the last couple of weeks looking at him feeling pretty down about how frail and old he looked. He was blind, mostly deaf, and no longer the strong ox that he'd been most of his life.
And in the last week or two of his life - he seemed to be impossibly bony. The day before he died I was ready to take him in to the vet and talk more about it. But sometimes old age just creeps up on us.

6 months ago, the dog had been healthy and strong, even though his eye sight was fading and his hearing.
He still had a pretty strong sense of life and contentment and all that. He was happy to be around and would occasionally give us his regular Rufus 'tudes a couple of months ago. But even then I knew he was on borrowed time. His birthday came on the 19th of March, but I remember feeling a sense of sadness because it wasn't the usual upbeat festivity we usually made it. I remembered how different the year prior had been, and was suddenly glad I had lavished him with dog bones and hugs and playing on his 13th birthday. Because he seemed unable to be fully present the same way this birthday, and I thought to myself, "this is the last one we'll have..."

I was right. Just short of a week later, my own sense of foreshadowing caught up with me.
:)

AHhh yes. I am trying to upload some pictures to the "scrapbook" function here...
Anyway, my next posts will probably be a little more positive memory driven and less "this is what has been happening up until now." The recent era was the hardest of his whole life with me, to endure.
Also processing that all of those things that happened last Thursday - exactly a week ago today, happened. Ahhh, yes. And truly - cheesy or no, I find Rufus had to have been the angel sent to guide me through the transition of childhood to adulthood. For that he definitely was there, every step of the way.

( Some pictures and the scrapbook link. I will be adding as the week goes. )

And a short questions for those into this sort of thing: Any idea why I notice most my emotions/energy getting caught/stuck in my throat chakra with this whole ordeal? Any advice on how to aid in working through to clear out the chakra a bit? I just notice it most there a lot. I am not entirely sure why. I have my own ideas, but sometimes outside ideas never hurt!

-Angela

To start off with: Sorry for the typo's. I had no time to edit this.

I have not wrote a thing lately.
I took this week off and have been relaxing and exercising and just being. It's been great.
Last weekend was my immediate family's holiday party. Following that was a trip to Portland to do Jim's family party.
Christmas day was Grandma's like always.

I've been really happy lately, feeling very content.
This is a blessing and I have worked through some very narly life crap to reach this current point in my life.

I have been very social, and all that.
On our family party, my brother pretty much didn't show up because him and the wife were fighting. I've never viewed their relationship as stellar, but for the most part I say very little about it - and I respect his choice for what makes him happy in his life.

They had a hum-dinger fight on the 19th, and the following day they made up or whatever and him and his wife got to go hang out and celebrate family time with mom and dad, and not with the rest of our immediate sibs. My mom tried very hard to get the 3 of us kids back to do her own holiday gathering. She'd been really missing that.

Well, it was a pretty hum dinger like fight that made me feel pretty uncomfortable watching. She tends to be very dramatic and controlling, I won't go into talking about anything else. He accepts this and carries out his life pretty happily. Since his marriage, I rarely see him. That's been fine. I get it - we all grow and end up with our own separate lives. He works a heavy schedule in the last couple of years (he has rather).

There have been times I've felt however, that I can't get through to him - without being filtered through Melissa (the wife). She was the holder of the phone. When I'd call, no one would ever pick up. So I gave up. I stopped called about 3 years ago. She tends to hold a grudge and then stone wall people.
I'm not saying she doesn't have her positive sides, it's just that I've gotten to witness and FEEL the other side of her. IF I disagree and won't back down, she tends to shut down and then I find myself not getting allowed into their home, or even communicating with them for months. This is a true thing.

This time, I was reading an LJ-friends post on Christmas Day about emotional abuse. I wasn't thinking too heavily - I was just killing time while getting ready to leave. I remembered how miserable he had been the day of the 19th. He looked forlorn, lost, confused, and miserable. Not quite a broken man, but pushed to his absolute limits by parts of their relationship. I tried to be supportive but was obviously not in the arguement and knew little else of what was going on. I'm not in their relationship - I have no idea what most of their life LOOKS like. But I know she was calling my mom freaking out and saying she "hit a guard rail" and she needed James or she needed someone to come pick her up. She didn't hit a guardrail. She was just trying to get ANYONE to respond and pick up. He had went for a drive to the pass to try and sort his thoughts. It began to feel like manipulation, and it frankly unsettled me to watch her go from my brother - who stopped answering his phone, to my mom.

To her mom. Etc. Eventually they all said, "call 911 if there is a real problem - or go home and give the man an couple of hours to himself."

Anyways, after a dramatic holiday party I was left with just this image in my head. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind until I read the emotional abuse article the friend posted. I thought of James. (My brother).

I hesitated for a moment - then I thought, "there's no harm in sending some info about this, just in case. To people you love... sometimes it's good to make sure they're looking out for themselves."

I sent the following facebook message:

"http://hps-sterling.livejournal.com/539733.html?view=1738069&style=mine#t1738069

A friend on my list posted this. Unfortunately, I thought of you.
:(
Maybe this isn't at all what's up with your situation.
But it's good to be aware of these patterns anyway. For everyone. Even if you aren't experiencing it."

I promptly forgot I sent it on Xmas morning at all (around 7AM).

We went, had our holiday get together, and went home. I went about my business.
The following day I finally notice my phone is ringing (apparently I was too relaxed in the la la land of doing my own errands I didn't hear the first 6 calls).

He had been calling me over and over and over until I finally picked up. My brother normally doesn't DO this. I pick up, all chill. He pretty much starts freaking the hell out on me. He is sounding in intense emotional distress all over again.

He informs me first off that he's upset about the link I sent him. I'm thinking about what link I sent him at all, when he says "Melissa reads my email." Well, I don't think on these terms. No one reads my email. Last person who tried to read my email was Steve. I dumped him that day. It's not that Jim can't, we just tend to give each other space. When I write email to people, I have in mind that JUST they will see it. Well, he starts wigging out in all manner of near hysterics at me. My brother is a very laid back guy. He has never spoken to me, or acted this way towards me in all my life.

I am hindered here, I don't remember AT ALL what I wrote, at this point. I apologize, I try and say, "it shouldn't be a big deal if there isn't a problem," but he is off the deep end and not listening. He says there was a problem because THAT is what I think about him and his marriage. He tells me it's my fault and I've opened up all of their problems all over again - and I say, "I won't take responsibility for that. That's not my fault." I try and say, "if someone sent that to me about me and Jim, we'd shrug it off and say thanks for caring but uh, we're fine."

I tried to tell him I had no idea what their marriage was like, that I couldn't know what it was like. That I never get to see him or her for that matter. He goes off on hoiw much he's working. He goes off on how the fertility drugs that she is taking is why she's acting wacko, that it's stressful and that they want a kid. I know all this already, I'm getting overwhelmed with the situation, I have no idea what to say anymore. I'm in shock.

I say something like, "well if it's not working then it's not working! Maybe you shouldn't have a kid" mistake, that isn't what I meant to say - I was just panicking from being verbally screamed at by my "never raise his voice" brother. I realize she is sitting right next to him. I realize SHE had to have wanted him to call me, and he was so angry that the link she found opened up her anger all over again - all her problems with the situation that had been happening exactly a week prior.

I'm at a loss. I try and inject logic, saying I was sorry - but I had no idea what else I wrote when I sent the link. I hadn't expected a fight to be born out of it, I had expected if anything for it to be shrugged off.

No, not at all. I finally hang up after saying something like, "I can't do this anymore."
I wasn't going to revoke my thoughts, I said I THOUGHT of him, I didn't say I was CERTAIN this was the case. I felt pretty lousy in general, but knew it was too late. I had sent the informational link.
If anything, I felt like this was proving the point of a problem - but wished for half a minute I hadn't sent it.

Was I being too meddlesome? Well, no one had told me any more after the argument. In my mind, information like this can help people - or it can be one of those things you're like, "k, you're over reacting about my situation." I just got to watch everyone go through it. I just got to watch his tears, watch his gut wrenching pain. He tried to tell me all relationships get rocky and that I should know because I'd been through some.
He told me his marriage was happy and great. I said "well fantastic! Then this post is pretty much null!" But he kept going on and on. ANd persisting on the phone, not letting me go.

I also didn't marry these people I had the most rocky times with. I also moved on eventually and learned that sometimes - the way people treat you emotionally that puts you at these points is really not worth it. But I didn't say that.

The intent behind sending the entry she wrote was not to break them up - to be a threat. It was to try and help him be sure he was empowered, to make sure he has the best happiness in his life. I know it's up to him, and that I have no impact over that. But the level I care for this guy is pretty deep. It breaks me up to see him so miserable. He was miserable, both weekends.

My wish for him is ultimate happiness, and empowerment. I don't care if he stays with this woman, as long as they are healthy together. If they aren't - it still has nothing to do with my directly. Big picture - who cares what anyone else thinks of your relationship? I learned that as a 19 year old dating a 47 year old. I had to let go of that stuff.
Oddly - I learned about emotional abuse most from THAT relationship.

To be noted, I took the quiz myself, I asked myself if I or Jim were doing these things to each other, before I sent the link to James also. I wanted to check in with myself. We all are human and forget that our actions aren't always what they seem. I like to be sure I'm treating and being treated the best in intimate relationships. I was accessing the info from this standpoint, viewpoint. :( I'm so dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

I guess I won't be seeing or hearing from him for a long while. Remember the stone walling? I predict the rest of the marriage will be a stone walled thing.
Happy Holidays!

-Angela

It's been a pretty eventful morning.

( Some history for the live journal. )

-Angela