![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I guess it's just been a bit of a low keyed emotional day.
I'm not sure what else to say...
Like no matter what I do I'm bound to do, say, think, feel, or be wrong.
I can't be myself this weekend.
I just don't know. I realize my friends are a bit further from me lately, but as usual when I get this way, I feel handicapped from reaching out. I get irritated easier and I no longer have a personal bubble to retreat to. I can't sit at home by myself listening to loud music and drinking wine anymore. Wine isn't even attractive like it once was anyway.
But I can't just be. Alone time and self indulgence seemed to really help me when I lived alone. Wait. Does that even make sense? What do I do with myself now when I feel this kind of melancholy? Maybe I really did enjoy that emptiness in my house. The every day grind of coming home to no one. I miss it.
I didn't think I'd be saying this. And the more and more people comment (those who know me, those who don't) about my aggressive, strong nature, the less and less enthusiastic I get to open up to anyone.
I can't talk all the time. I can't understand my feelings all the time. And sometimes I just don't want to talk, especially when it feels like I am all talked out. There's no sense in it, there's not going to BE any sense in it.
And why can't I use my Scottish blood to explain a certain amount of stubbornness? I just feel angry. Angry that I have to share my life with someone, and angry that my friends don't want to spend time with me, and angry that people are angry at me for not talking to them.
I'm angry that my dog is going to die someday. I'm angry that it costs money to deal with right now. Angry that I cannot just hide away from 100% of everyone. I'm not saying I don't like living with somebody, I just feel really cramped and like my Independence is gone. Like I don't know what's good for me, what I want, and how to ask for it sometimes. And sometimes I like it that way.
I'm tired of people and their jokes. I don't care if they were aimed at someone else. I don't want to hear all of it.
Right now I just feel excessively melancholy. There's no one to talk to about it. Jim wants to talk but every conversation we get into revolves around negotiating and justifying and explaining. No matter what I say or do it will become public. He is as bad as me about sharing himself. That is fine, except today I just want to be and not worry about what that is. I can't, I just can't. I wanted to cry this morning because Jon was such an ass about things. And now I want to cry again. I just feel like crap.
I'm flawed, and I know that. Just like everyone else. But mine are obvious and I don't hide them. Everyone else is hiding behind their veil of so called perfection. Well I hate you all.
I am tired of searching for the "why," or the "what" behind every moment of emotion. I'm exhausted of it. EXHAUSTED of talking about it.
So, I have a temper. I get annoyed and I make sure people around me know I'm annoyed. Cry me a fucking river and leave me alone if you don't like it! I am who I am. When I say that they get mad. Nothing annoys me more than someone trying to say I'm doing that so I don't have to change. Whatever.
I was going to get a tree tomorrow. But somehow I just feel... bah-humbugged. Like... I was looking forward to a real tree but the discussion has come up so many times I just want to skip it. THere's a good possibility I will skip it. Who needs a tree anyway? I haven't had one for the past couple of years. Why start now? Who needs tradition crap anyway. I'd rather just hide under another self-imposed rock. Because I'm really good at that.
I miss my quiet house and my music any time I want and my space to be myself and not have anyone say anything about what that was. I had no idea what I had. And now it's gone. And where are the people who give a shit? Other than my mom, I feel like lately everyone else is out of reach. This is the single most contradicting, emotional post I have made for the year, perhaps.
-Angela
I'm not sure what else to say...
Like no matter what I do I'm bound to do, say, think, feel, or be wrong.
I can't be myself this weekend.
I just don't know. I realize my friends are a bit further from me lately, but as usual when I get this way, I feel handicapped from reaching out. I get irritated easier and I no longer have a personal bubble to retreat to. I can't sit at home by myself listening to loud music and drinking wine anymore. Wine isn't even attractive like it once was anyway.
But I can't just be. Alone time and self indulgence seemed to really help me when I lived alone. Wait. Does that even make sense? What do I do with myself now when I feel this kind of melancholy? Maybe I really did enjoy that emptiness in my house. The every day grind of coming home to no one. I miss it.
I didn't think I'd be saying this. And the more and more people comment (those who know me, those who don't) about my aggressive, strong nature, the less and less enthusiastic I get to open up to anyone.
I can't talk all the time. I can't understand my feelings all the time. And sometimes I just don't want to talk, especially when it feels like I am all talked out. There's no sense in it, there's not going to BE any sense in it.
And why can't I use my Scottish blood to explain a certain amount of stubbornness? I just feel angry. Angry that I have to share my life with someone, and angry that my friends don't want to spend time with me, and angry that people are angry at me for not talking to them.
I'm angry that my dog is going to die someday. I'm angry that it costs money to deal with right now. Angry that I cannot just hide away from 100% of everyone. I'm not saying I don't like living with somebody, I just feel really cramped and like my Independence is gone. Like I don't know what's good for me, what I want, and how to ask for it sometimes. And sometimes I like it that way.
I'm tired of people and their jokes. I don't care if they were aimed at someone else. I don't want to hear all of it.
Right now I just feel excessively melancholy. There's no one to talk to about it. Jim wants to talk but every conversation we get into revolves around negotiating and justifying and explaining. No matter what I say or do it will become public. He is as bad as me about sharing himself. That is fine, except today I just want to be and not worry about what that is. I can't, I just can't. I wanted to cry this morning because Jon was such an ass about things. And now I want to cry again. I just feel like crap.
I'm flawed, and I know that. Just like everyone else. But mine are obvious and I don't hide them. Everyone else is hiding behind their veil of so called perfection. Well I hate you all.
I am tired of searching for the "why," or the "what" behind every moment of emotion. I'm exhausted of it. EXHAUSTED of talking about it.
So, I have a temper. I get annoyed and I make sure people around me know I'm annoyed. Cry me a fucking river and leave me alone if you don't like it! I am who I am. When I say that they get mad. Nothing annoys me more than someone trying to say I'm doing that so I don't have to change. Whatever.
I was going to get a tree tomorrow. But somehow I just feel... bah-humbugged. Like... I was looking forward to a real tree but the discussion has come up so many times I just want to skip it. THere's a good possibility I will skip it. Who needs a tree anyway? I haven't had one for the past couple of years. Why start now? Who needs tradition crap anyway. I'd rather just hide under another self-imposed rock. Because I'm really good at that.
I miss my quiet house and my music any time I want and my space to be myself and not have anyone say anything about what that was. I had no idea what I had. And now it's gone. And where are the people who give a shit? Other than my mom, I feel like lately everyone else is out of reach. This is the single most contradicting, emotional post I have made for the year, perhaps.
-Angela
