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Aug. 20th, 2012 10:55 am
angelak: (Visualize)
It has been a long while since I had an opportunity to write in my livejournal. It has been dormant. A lot has been happening. So much unrecorded, but in truth I can remember all of it right now. It’s later on when the months pass that I will forget the things I no longer wrote it the LJ land. Since I last posted, I have been cast in Rite of Sol, I have become a sub teacher instead of a regular teacher at my home studio and a regular teacher at Bikram Yoga Redmond, as well as Bikram Yoga Kirkland.

My Grandma died, I am still managing my Grandpa’s funds, we as a family are also taking care of Grandpa, making sure he is doing okay. This is a challenge in and of itself.
I am happily engaged in the polyamorous lifestyle. Every minute seems filled with abundance at this point. Sometimes this is the biggest bliss point ever – and other times a plate or two that I am spinning starts to tip over and I falter. The biggest challenge at the moment is to get the YOGA for myself. I went through a phase where I didn’t teach very much for a brief month, and then it came slamming back with a vengeance. Alongside my city job, all of this does take some managing. Especially given the fact I am involved with three different studios on the eastside, among other things.
The word abundance really captures how I feel. The gratitude I feel every day for the people who I am directly involved with regularly, and the studios I “work” in. Teaching Yoga is a blessing and something that while I sacrifice my own practice at times, is entirely worth the struggles I have endured to get to where I am today. I am becoming a stronger teacher, and continue to aspire to the best verbatim Dialogue that I know how. My brother is back in the orbit of the family, and we are grateful for his presence in our family again after his isolation and soon to be ex-wife situation. We are happy. It is apparent that HE is happy, too. Recently being hit with a strange virus that claimed his voice TEMPORARILY… well, he’s struggling through that.

James is a rare gift of a person. I think that is why it bothered me so much when he was no longer a part of my life, in major part due to the spite of one woman. The good news is that while Grandma’s story was ending, she brought James back into the family as she left mortality. Both of them are very important people to the family.

I am learning a lot about the family at this juncture in time, and have been all of 2012. My role has been harried to say the least.
And the rest of 2012 is going to see a lot more Yoga teaching for me – I look forward to sharing the yoga with people all over the place, and transforming my teaching more and more and more and more.

There’s nowhere else to go, here – but up. And the people who I am able to see are so very special to me! I have the most beautiful circle of friends. While I wish I had more time for things and was further at my Deacon memorization, I also realize I have limitations. And a whole life time. We’ll see what I can do. I was starting to make progress in April, and since then life has been a whirlwind.

Needless to say, Life is Quite amazing for me right now.
I work hard. I rest just enough. I need more yoga, but I am working on that constant balance of teaching and taking and living and loving! And I am more than thrilled to be a part of the cast of Rite of Sol this year. This is something I wanted to be a part of for years.

And choosing to take care of myself first - and consciously acknowledging the people that will harbor a giving and receiving nature within friendships, relationships. Particularly in the times I needed it most. Because my energy reserves waned when some serious things were going on with the family.

And all the good stuff? Well. I worked for all of that. I'm not going to lie. Product of hard work, blood, sweat, and yes - tears!

So here it is!!!!
Growth experiences abound.

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaSide08)
6 classes are on my schedule for this yoga teaching week for me. I am so happy about this. Last time I taught 6 in a 4 day span, my teaching changed and I stopped sounding as rough around the edges when I replayed my recording of my classes.

On Thursday - weather permitting, begins my Yoga teaching week. YogaMonday. It's equipped with an immediate mentor class, which is fitting for a Monday. One of those things that I detest. Rates up there with root canals and a punch in the face. That's okay! I'm muddling through mentor-ship. I look forward to this week, I teach a double on Saturday and a double on Sunday. It's a shitty deal that my first class of the week is the "mentor" class, but it is what it is. I tend to warm up and get words back loaded into my brain, even though I study during the week. Sometimes.

This week I haven't been studying as much, even if I was ambitious last week. I can't deny it. I fully enjoyed stepping away, 100%, last weekend. 3 day weekend, blissful.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday were hard to get back into gear.
I think my brain is struggling sometimes to stay focused on studying when I get a spare minute. It's okay though.

Been pretty happy lately... got some great friends around, having the right relationship experiences for this period of my life - not overdoing it. It seems a friend of mine said he would imagine I'd have the pick of the men I'd want. This wasn't really something that I felt I had. And yet ever since I went away to TT, it's like my clear everything (chakras, life purpose, commitment, whatever) is causing me to be more attractive than I think I have ever been in my life. It has nothing to do with the physical, but people have been drawn to me lately. I'm so unused to it, so unprepared, all of it. Men abound. This isn't bad. My fragile ego could use a boost. It's becoming less fragile, after all. Teaching, with all its perils, is changing me. TT did change me. And yet I only have time and energy for a select amount of relationship/interaction/whatever the fuck you want to call it - with men. There's my main squeeze, Jim - the wonderful, who is actually a lot less in regards of energy to maintain at times... and one other person. I'm honestly not interested, nor have the energy, focus, inclination to expand beyond this currently. I need time to study, I need time to teach, I need time to work, and while it appears I'm attractive and desirable to a number of people that I may or may not find engaging in this fashion, I simply do not have more of me to go around. Take that as nastily as you like. Also, I've always been a simple creature in this respect. This is why while I've been poly a long time, there has always been that frequent rumor about my monogamous nature. Hahaha.

*shrugs* What can I say... but who knows. I also hate that I have so much propensity for relationship access (it feels weird even writing about this in a way, but here it is, like always, out in the open) and yet Jim is kind of on the down side of that. He claims the women out there in the poly community are not nearly as attractive as the men that I have available. I'm not so sure this is true. There's me, after all..........

None the less. When you sit in your house, on your computer, for most of your off hours - rather than spending months immersed in variant communities, both poly and not poly - communities, well. You get what you get. And yet the disparity still remains. I try not to worry too heavily on this; that issue is definitely his personal issue. But it remains - I will always care, and that is the issue. I care a lot about his feelings. ;)

And while you could say my crowds are suited to this situation - I find it is also a numbers game, just like monogamous dating. Not that I play games, and not that it is about numbers. It is sheer happenstance for me, and at times I felt I would remain single'y poly. Meaning, just with my main squeeze. *(I hate the term primary partner.......I donno why).
Also, lately - I am managing to see friends that matter to me, all kinds of friends. Perhaps my study time suffers, but my heart doesn't for these friends build me a solid, contented place from which to draw my energy off of. And lastly, I am managing my workouts the best I can, trying to maintain my own practice, run a little, CT a little. Nuts. I tell you. Nuts.
So, it's been blowing my mind the number of men interested, and it is all because I am out living my life, feeling my purpose, and happy to touch the lives of others - completely preoccupied with life rather than dating. That is for certain. And what does "dating" mean anyway? Classification gets messier and messier if you get too attached to it. That's also certain.

Some days, I am so busy. I know I am miserable when I am not busy. This also is true. And I have a lot of ambitions that are in the pike for 2012. Honestly. I'm terrified in a sense. I want to get more involved in the Mass team, I want to deacon. But also, I am really, seriously considering attempting the whole "Rite of Sol" involvement this year. I'm not sure how, what, or where in my right mind I think I can do all of this. But I actually, truly, think I can find a way to make it all happen. I keep putting that positive affirmation out there, and truly believing inside, deep down too. Does that make me clinically insane? Memorize, memorize, memorize. Memorize. Explosive things in my life. I'm sick of sitting on my spiritual journey and stuffing it into a box that is there "if I have time." When I was at TT, the first two weeks reminded me of how much I have been stuffing it into the background of my life. That is why these other two things are coming to the forefront... but how the fuck do I think I can do all this? I think I can. It's so very weird, but I think I can squeeze it all in. I guess that's my lot in life. I'm not satisfied unless I'm taking on things that are big, exciting, new, growth oriented. Sit me in a corner and leave me inside my house and I'll turn into a crazy lady. REALLY. Let me out and let me take on things that scare the shit out of me, feel above my level, and give me something to reach for... and I'm blissed out. Just don't criticize me. I'll bawl behind your back, smiling to your face. A weakness I have.

This year I am also very aware that I need to work on "getting out of my head." All the important and even some not so important people lately have been giving me the knowing eye ball look, and mentioning how "in my head," I am. Like. 6 different people in 2 weeks... look, Universe. I get it. I promise to work on it this year. 2012. Out of my mind. Get with getting out of my mind. Got it.

A big one? I'm also blown away by the quality of people in my life these days. It's been messing with my mind. I have some really amazing connections, and I am grateful for all of them. Everyday.

-Angela
angelak: (Backbend Bentley)
It's been happening. It's the kind of week where every time I turn around, I'm missing, remembering, reminiscing about my friends, my experience, my life in Los Angeles, Teacher Training. Blown away it's over, and intensely full of nostalgia for my comrades – we've all faded into our regular lives and we are still a part of one another, but it is never going to be the same. It was a one shot show, once only. I miss so very much about the experience, it comes back in waves.

First I think about the classes. I miss waking up in the morning every day and preparing to hit the mat first thing, before anything else happened in my day. I miss standing around before class in the morning and the evening talking to my besties. I miss Bikram's classes more than I care to admit. I have never, ever, ever, laughed so hard in my life – all while still doing yoga. Who knew. OF course there will never be any other class like that. I miss twice a day yoga, every week. I miss the ease of getting the yoga in because NOTHING ELSE could get in the way. The jokes, the singing, the ridiculous songs. I also miss being sick of hearing the same stupid tired tune, but every time Bikram sang, I loved it. Maybe other people hated it – but I adored it. His energy from the podium was so great. I kept fighting my own feelings because I was in a sea of other people, but now I can look back and I know what I felt. Bikram is a soul that while everyone talks about him being a dick, I am endeared by.

I felt like I had to think he was an asshole because he said mean things too. But that's not how I felt. I didn't find him to be an asshole. I found him to be a master of shock value. That's it. People constantly take shit so seriously. Even me. More than Bikram being a dick to me, I took those ridiculous posture clinic teachers harder than I ever took Boss.

I even miss posture clinics, hours and hours of BS. I do not miss someone giving me crap for bathroom breaks or where I was going at any point in the day – that I certainly do NOT miss. I do NOT miss being told, that one day when my period went on for 2 days longer than normal, "why weren't you prepared enough to bring EXTRA tampons????" (To the person who said, I give you a FUCK YOU from here, right now, still. I was bleeding out of my crotch and very unhappy in that moment). I miss everyone whining and bitching about Mahabarat. I miss laughing and eating garbage food all night long. While I often felt estranged from even my own close knit group of friends, I often didn't realize I was more accepted than I thought. No one really knew me at times, but then sometimes there were moments where people did know me intimately in ways that others in my regular life didn't.

Do I miss being a snotty pile of shit in the last week because I allowed people in posture clinic to rob me of my peace and human dignity momentarily? No. Of course not. I hated that. I hated it more than anything. I felt like the only person who was a mess in those moments. Everyone could see it. There was no way to keep it from being exposed to tens of twenties of people all over. Was I snotty mess? Yes, Yes I was. Because I wasn't ready to accept that everyone is human, and no one gives a shit if you expose your weakness. I regularly do expose my weakness – but typically only in word form. Not in actual, raw expression. A lot of people followed my blog apparently while I was gone, and by the time the real juicy crap hit me, I was unable to take time to write. It's coming out now maybe.

I miss Karen and her cute, smiley self. She is a great lady, and I do know she's got a lot of wisdom. And sweet Tracy, who was often in my room when I came back during breaks from studying...

I miss Gui from Chile... I will never forget the day he asked me if I was having a good day in the hallway back to our rooms - 4th floor neighbors as it were, in the final week. When I in fact, was not having a good week. I tried to say I was okay, And then - I looked at him with his big heart and beautiful eyes, and just started bawling. He took me in his arms and held me and said a bunch of Spanish things and it didn't matter what he said. He squeezed me and it was all okay. His big heart was something that made everyone know and love him by the end of the 9 weeks.

Digression – the things I miss. The damn stairwells. I miss walking down Sepulveda, I miss the spanish speakers. I miss telling them things like, "I'm hungry. I'm so hungry. Hungry for penis..." In Spanish. The look on those faces. Seriously. And I miss Olga... I miss her natural charm and beauty and support. That girl knew I struggled with a sense of self confidence, I think she felt it more than others sometimes. Sniff. There aren't words for missing the people who held my thread of sanity at times. Shit, I had no idea! I also regret not having a chance to get to know more people, better. I could easily turn into a sniffly mess just thinking of these people in detail. Thomas, and yes Katty. But Katty and I have a different connection. And I can feel her proximity. I have more contact with her, so it burns less than say – Olga, Thomas, Gordon... and when we're not talking about my posse, all I can think of is Group 17 and the people who incidentally showed me more support than I think I've ever seen in my life regarding an academic endeavor. Renata, Karoline, Ula... Czech Republic, Germany, Florida... how the hell will I ever connect with these people that I feel shaped me so much, and gave me so much, every day, every week........ it gives me a giant lump in my throat, it makes my eyes water. These ladies... they accepted me and were always there for me, and when I fell apart – they never ever gave up on me. The emotions are so huge. Tangible, and I think they live and breathe on their own.

The group as a whole, screaming and clapping and cheering you on every day as we all stepped up to deliver the postures... when people ask me about TT, I have no way to put the emotions into words. They are so poignant – and most of the time, I've been avoiding them a little bit since I got home. Why would I want to think so deeply about the people I miss... I might actually cry because it's over, and there's no looking back. Actually, I've been so focused on my teaching, on being the best teacher I can be even though most new teachers have a long, maybe much lonelier journey ahead than was TT. I have my freedoms back, but the people... they're scattered all over the World and I miss them. I want to stamp my feet, fists balled up, and scream. I miss my people! Miss them so much! It makes me feel so lonely I don't know I've ever felt like this in my entire life... you know when you miss one person you're in love with intensely, like your lover or your primary life partner? It kind of feels like this, except with 20 people simultaneously.

It's a sense of longing I feel like will never really quite ease up, after all. I have a billion places on the map now that I have an urgency towards seeing, but no vacation time left, and a bunch of financial things to sort out for myself. (I'm still solid, it's going quite well, but I have to recover from that investment). And now I see why people say it is the best money they ever spent.

And now I find myself so qualified. People ask me about yoga everywhere. And I have a million things to say, it all comes out without me even thinking about it. People with their fucked up bodies everywhere....... I want them to come in. I want them to start a yoga practice, because I know. I * know * beyond a shadow of doubt that it would help ease their problem. And yet I can't even get the point across. No... I can't. It's something people have to figure out on their own and want to heal on their own. I can say 100 things and that person who scoliosis will talk about the other yoga they tried and how it made their shit worse. Well, that's because you were doing some weird yoga combined with pilates and this and that. It was not designed as a healing routine, but a fitness routine. The difference is night and day. Your hips are screwed up? You can fix this. I swear.

Most people lack the all out commitment to heal themselves, though. I hate to sound like an asshole, but fuck it. That's the truth. You'd rather try and give a half assed shot at health and do it the lazy way, instead of the hard way. I see it every day.

And Reina reminded me of how she urged me to try yoga for 2 years, and one day I went on my own without her knowing... I told Reina for a year, “no, Reina. I'm a runner. I don't do that pansy ass yoga crap.” Now she is witnessing me – today, and I'm a teacher.

Sorry, Reina. You knew what you were talking about.

There are more things I miss... of course, sure – California. But not really nearly as much as I miss the yoga bubble. And the people. I'm a people lover, and once I make some connections, well. What can I say? I really fall for people. And not just my lovers. My friends are so, so important to me too. And to the people still supporting me (Katty) while I walk the rough path of new teaching. Well, you mean more to me than you know. And so too, do those people who kept me strong through out Fall 2011 TT.

And as Bikram would say in class ....
"Are you ready? YES OR NO?!"
This time, not for a posture, but... For life on the outside?

-Angela
angelak: (AngelaNov09)
2012 BREAKOUT!

Focus for 2012
(I don't exactly do resolutions, per se, but I do have focuses.)


Serve my communities – focal point = Service

Yoga/OTO/Pagan communities, serve them (How? Be present. Give whenever possible in time/service.)

Leave Self doubt behind

Serve in the Mass team beyond the child role:
(First Deacon, then Priestess - eventually, in the future...)

Replace carpets downstairs in 874

Create a tidy home that is nearly always acceptable for impromptu guests

Become a strong and valued Bikram Yoga Teacher

Develop my Yoga Teaching

Digest and Teach verbatim Bikram Dialogue

Improve physical and emotional bodies

Reach the low 140lbs range solid

Lean out body the rest of the way

Shrink the hips/upper thighs

Return to Teacher Training as a mentor (not a DE-mentor).

Travel to see teacher training friends and take their classes!

Maintain a strong Yoga practice

Maintain a moderate running and circuit training schedule

Continually build strong relationships with my sweeties

Stay close with Jim

More personal focus from self to community service

Rite of Sol Involvement

Search for a late 90's Mitsubishi Eclipse for personal material items list

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angelak

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