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Friday and James
Jan. 10th, 2004 10:29 amAnother Friday has come. I was really tired all day long, and I didn't quote know why. I got hungry earlier than usual. I wonder if it was all the walking that is raising my metabolism? Regardless, I was ravenous by the time I got off for lunch at 2PM. Steve made some fruit salad which took him forever. It seemed my brain was fogged and I could scarcely do my job. Oh well. I hate it when that happens. I've got to be on the ball, not all fucked up. Bev thought I was frustrated as I was working on Bret's printer. No, not frustrated, just tired. Excessively tired. I start to sigh when I can't get my body to liven up.
Kelsi responded to my e-mail. I have mixed feelings. I tell myself I should just forget all the pain and anger. I replied, explaining a few things. I guess me being upset with Mel AND Travis made her not even want to open up to me. Too bad I had no idea that it was Mel and Travis and not me. If she had only come out and said that, perhaps things would have been easier. That's okay. It may have been like most of my feelings I had a year ago. I was lost in it all that I didn't even know what the root of the problem or even WHAT my feelings were. Now I quite understand them more and more. I must work on this. I must contact Mel somehow, and I have the absurd urge to show up at Kelsi and Travis' appartment randomly. I now know they live in Monroe, not Sultan, as Julie AGAIN fucked up with details. But I knew she had to have one false fact. She always does. I can't trust that cunt.
So, good for them. They got a 3 bdroom appartment. Hm. I think I like the Duplex idea better, and not having to share my place with 2 other room mates. They live with another couple who are their friends. *shrugs* I like just Steve and I. And it leaves a lot of space for me. For instance, I can host skyclad rituals and nobody has a damned say in it. Well, Steve, but really. He's not into stopping me. We talked about it. Thanks, to those of you who blew my cover in December about the Skyclad rit. It caused us to actually talk about it instead of me trying to hide it from him. I was being stupid anyway.
Anyway. The urges to contact them are pretty strong. I wonder if the universe just wants a way to bitch slap me... this is opening a whole new can of worms that could potentially hurt me really deeply. As it is... I've finally gotten past the pain and the seemingly inability to move on. That felt like an eternity to leave me, and now I am happy and there's a lot of good things in my life. But like Stephen... Like Lianna... I can't just let people who mean so much to me drift away so easily. So those of you who ARE my friends... CHERYL... it's going to be hard to be rid of me. It's hard to find people who are worth a damned these days. Are these people worth a damned? They must be, if they can hurt me like they have, and I still feel like going back for more... or is that just unconditional love?
Anyway. James came over yesterday after work. Joe had a dead battery, I had to replace it. We went to costco and that was fun [to get a battery].We had dinner before we left, but we also had costco dogs. He helped me do that in the dark rain. I also drove him around Issaquah showing him the city buildings. We talked when we got back. Then it was time for him to go. I wasn't eager. It was only then did I realize that it sucks living so far away from the family. I mean, I'm not one of those kids who ever wanted to get away from my parents and siblings. That was never me. It's not like, "YEAY I HAVE MY OWN PLACE YEAY I DOn"T HAVE TO SE EMOM AND DAD.." no... far from. I felt myself projecting the longing for more of his company, as he left, but it was already nearly 11 and he had an hour drive home. Funny how much you can miss something that was so readily there for so long. It didn't help that I think we grew some enormous emotional and energic bonds hiking all of last summer. We built those up just before I left to live here. I felt them tugging at me, energically, for about an hour after he left. I was like, "now that I'm sensitive to this shit... there's so much more out there than I ever realized! All of these situations... " It's a whole new world to experience with this awareness. *sighs* Anyway. I know soon I'll go over there today if I get off the computer, dressed, brush my teeth do my make up, perhaps even spend time on my hair... eh don't know though. Could just ignore the hair. And then finish grabbing things for mom's computer..... jeah. Anyway. I must begin on those things so I can go out there. I may even try and find their appartments before I even go to Sultan. It is my goal to shed this weight of them. I haven't seen Travis in nearly a year.
-Angela
Kelsi responded to my e-mail. I have mixed feelings. I tell myself I should just forget all the pain and anger. I replied, explaining a few things. I guess me being upset with Mel AND Travis made her not even want to open up to me. Too bad I had no idea that it was Mel and Travis and not me. If she had only come out and said that, perhaps things would have been easier. That's okay. It may have been like most of my feelings I had a year ago. I was lost in it all that I didn't even know what the root of the problem or even WHAT my feelings were. Now I quite understand them more and more. I must work on this. I must contact Mel somehow, and I have the absurd urge to show up at Kelsi and Travis' appartment randomly. I now know they live in Monroe, not Sultan, as Julie AGAIN fucked up with details. But I knew she had to have one false fact. She always does. I can't trust that cunt.
So, good for them. They got a 3 bdroom appartment. Hm. I think I like the Duplex idea better, and not having to share my place with 2 other room mates. They live with another couple who are their friends. *shrugs* I like just Steve and I. And it leaves a lot of space for me. For instance, I can host skyclad rituals and nobody has a damned say in it. Well, Steve, but really. He's not into stopping me. We talked about it. Thanks, to those of you who blew my cover in December about the Skyclad rit. It caused us to actually talk about it instead of me trying to hide it from him. I was being stupid anyway.
Anyway. The urges to contact them are pretty strong. I wonder if the universe just wants a way to bitch slap me... this is opening a whole new can of worms that could potentially hurt me really deeply. As it is... I've finally gotten past the pain and the seemingly inability to move on. That felt like an eternity to leave me, and now I am happy and there's a lot of good things in my life. But like Stephen... Like Lianna... I can't just let people who mean so much to me drift away so easily. So those of you who ARE my friends... CHERYL... it's going to be hard to be rid of me. It's hard to find people who are worth a damned these days. Are these people worth a damned? They must be, if they can hurt me like they have, and I still feel like going back for more... or is that just unconditional love?
Anyway. James came over yesterday after work. Joe had a dead battery, I had to replace it. We went to costco and that was fun [to get a battery].We had dinner before we left, but we also had costco dogs. He helped me do that in the dark rain. I also drove him around Issaquah showing him the city buildings. We talked when we got back. Then it was time for him to go. I wasn't eager. It was only then did I realize that it sucks living so far away from the family. I mean, I'm not one of those kids who ever wanted to get away from my parents and siblings. That was never me. It's not like, "YEAY I HAVE MY OWN PLACE YEAY I DOn"T HAVE TO SE EMOM AND DAD.." no... far from. I felt myself projecting the longing for more of his company, as he left, but it was already nearly 11 and he had an hour drive home. Funny how much you can miss something that was so readily there for so long. It didn't help that I think we grew some enormous emotional and energic bonds hiking all of last summer. We built those up just before I left to live here. I felt them tugging at me, energically, for about an hour after he left. I was like, "now that I'm sensitive to this shit... there's so much more out there than I ever realized! All of these situations... " It's a whole new world to experience with this awareness. *sighs* Anyway. I know soon I'll go over there today if I get off the computer, dressed, brush my teeth do my make up, perhaps even spend time on my hair... eh don't know though. Could just ignore the hair. And then finish grabbing things for mom's computer..... jeah. Anyway. I must begin on those things so I can go out there. I may even try and find their appartments before I even go to Sultan. It is my goal to shed this weight of them. I haven't seen Travis in nearly a year.
-Angela
