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Mid November
Nov. 18th, 2008 07:58 amSo, seeing as I've pretty much stopped posting, I think I need to start again.
In a way it is hard to believe it really matters to write in my LJ. But I know in a few months I'll wonder what was going through my head. And I won't know what has been happening in the past few weeks because I had no time to write.
I still don't. But I just feel a bit ambivalent. The house is coming together, but it sort of has hit a stand-still in some areas as for progression. My parents moved last weekend and I wished I could help them more than I did. But I'm trying to go with the healing on the knees. The do seem to be doing tons better. I still don't approach a single day without caution.
Some days I am actually positive and not negative about my knees. Those are the days random strangers then say shit like, “oh but if you're not careful it could last forever.”
It's one of those frustrating things.
I guess this week has been harsh on me. I have yet to settle in mentally to a flow yet. I am getting closer to my room being more useful than just a random room. I am irritable, and the week crapped on me already. I lost my IPOD and brand new BOSE in-ear headphones I had gotten just 1 week ago.
It somehow sent me into a state of sheer depression, and I sort of still feel it. It might have been that I ate at BK for the first time in a while and then I ran this morning and felt like ass?
I usually just run through it today, but the 60Gig ipod kept falling of the treadmill. Which takes me to the notion that I hate treadmills for primary usage of runs. I like to be outside. Day, night, midday. Doesn't matter, I prefer outdoors. And since I moved, I cannot find my coldgear to make it easier to go outside. And then I spent 3 hours searching the house, the car, my life for the ipod that was nestled in the case of my once-bose headphones.
I was just frustrated. And it's not like after buying a new house, I have tons of cash to just throw at random shit like this. It made me mostly angry because in the last week I also lost 2 watches. I had my regular watch and a backup running watch.
And now somehow I lost both of those. I am not careless with my shit, so the BOSE headphones and Ipod just pissed me off. Aside from that, I just am no longer in the mood to be productive at work. But hasn't that been true of the last 4 years? Whatever. I left my work phone at home today somehow, and fortunately David was nearby when I went to go into the office. I had left my work keys on my desk Friday. WHAT is up with me?
I don't know, but I feel like there is enegetic sludge. I used to feel like I had a network of people who would give a shit if I wanted to slam my car into a guard-rail. Today, it feels not so likely.
Aside from all this, I love the new place. It is beginning to feel like home to us. I'd like it to be entirely settled so I can just live my life. This is how I feel about most major changes...
Change is just a part of life, I get that. It also doesn't help that I feel pretty strained on time to see Jim. We DO see each other for an hour here and there between our work schedule. But I feel like then he runs off and plays video games or we just don't have anything to do. Being close? I think in the last 3 weeks... we have yet to be super close like twice.
Just feeling lonely and strained. It almost feels like I'm single. But I'm not. And this time I'm not feeling liberated and confident like I had begun to feel before when I was single. Trying to find my inner love and doing an epic fail. Missing tenderness, because when we do spend time together I guess it turns into 50% bicker time, 50% something-else time. It's not that I feel like we're threatened. It's that I feel like we're spread thin and don't have a schedule that remotely matches. When I'm ready to lose my stack and freaking out over life, he's asleep because he has to work at the night.
Maybe it's ridiculous to feel so crappy over it all. Maybe I'm just one of those idiots who is never really happy. Except for a moment in time, in 2007... I had found it. And self confidence to boot. And dreams and motivation. Is it so much to ask of myself to find this again?
At least I have a space that I can call my own. And where the hell IS my spiritual identity?
And maybe being slammed at work for the past 2 weeks prevented me downtime and post time. Except this time I am stealing some time. Screw it. I'm posting. Blow me.
Good news? I got a new chair that is badass for my temple space.
-Angela
In a way it is hard to believe it really matters to write in my LJ. But I know in a few months I'll wonder what was going through my head. And I won't know what has been happening in the past few weeks because I had no time to write.
I still don't. But I just feel a bit ambivalent. The house is coming together, but it sort of has hit a stand-still in some areas as for progression. My parents moved last weekend and I wished I could help them more than I did. But I'm trying to go with the healing on the knees. The do seem to be doing tons better. I still don't approach a single day without caution.
Some days I am actually positive and not negative about my knees. Those are the days random strangers then say shit like, “oh but if you're not careful it could last forever.”
It's one of those frustrating things.
I guess this week has been harsh on me. I have yet to settle in mentally to a flow yet. I am getting closer to my room being more useful than just a random room. I am irritable, and the week crapped on me already. I lost my IPOD and brand new BOSE in-ear headphones I had gotten just 1 week ago.
It somehow sent me into a state of sheer depression, and I sort of still feel it. It might have been that I ate at BK for the first time in a while and then I ran this morning and felt like ass?
I usually just run through it today, but the 60Gig ipod kept falling of the treadmill. Which takes me to the notion that I hate treadmills for primary usage of runs. I like to be outside. Day, night, midday. Doesn't matter, I prefer outdoors. And since I moved, I cannot find my coldgear to make it easier to go outside. And then I spent 3 hours searching the house, the car, my life for the ipod that was nestled in the case of my once-bose headphones.
I was just frustrated. And it's not like after buying a new house, I have tons of cash to just throw at random shit like this. It made me mostly angry because in the last week I also lost 2 watches. I had my regular watch and a backup running watch.
And now somehow I lost both of those. I am not careless with my shit, so the BOSE headphones and Ipod just pissed me off. Aside from that, I just am no longer in the mood to be productive at work. But hasn't that been true of the last 4 years? Whatever. I left my work phone at home today somehow, and fortunately David was nearby when I went to go into the office. I had left my work keys on my desk Friday. WHAT is up with me?
I don't know, but I feel like there is enegetic sludge. I used to feel like I had a network of people who would give a shit if I wanted to slam my car into a guard-rail. Today, it feels not so likely.
Aside from all this, I love the new place. It is beginning to feel like home to us. I'd like it to be entirely settled so I can just live my life. This is how I feel about most major changes...
Change is just a part of life, I get that. It also doesn't help that I feel pretty strained on time to see Jim. We DO see each other for an hour here and there between our work schedule. But I feel like then he runs off and plays video games or we just don't have anything to do. Being close? I think in the last 3 weeks... we have yet to be super close like twice.
Just feeling lonely and strained. It almost feels like I'm single. But I'm not. And this time I'm not feeling liberated and confident like I had begun to feel before when I was single. Trying to find my inner love and doing an epic fail. Missing tenderness, because when we do spend time together I guess it turns into 50% bicker time, 50% something-else time. It's not that I feel like we're threatened. It's that I feel like we're spread thin and don't have a schedule that remotely matches. When I'm ready to lose my stack and freaking out over life, he's asleep because he has to work at the night.
Maybe it's ridiculous to feel so crappy over it all. Maybe I'm just one of those idiots who is never really happy. Except for a moment in time, in 2007... I had found it. And self confidence to boot. And dreams and motivation. Is it so much to ask of myself to find this again?
At least I have a space that I can call my own. And where the hell IS my spiritual identity?
And maybe being slammed at work for the past 2 weeks prevented me downtime and post time. Except this time I am stealing some time. Screw it. I'm posting. Blow me.
Good news? I got a new chair that is badass for my temple space.
-Angela
