Happy New Year
Jan. 1st, 2006 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakThis is the first time I am able to actually use the word "Happy," and "New Year," myself, in the last 24 hours. Let's just say New Year's Eve was as rough as 2005 was on me.
But... but... I like checking my email at 3 in the morning. It makes me feel comfy.
The computer is my security blanket.
;)
Anyhow. Here's to 2006 treating me and those who I love a whole lot better than 2005 may have.
Because I can say that 2005 will probably go into the memory banks of my life as "first turbulent year ever" in spite of the fact I lost my first sustained love in 2004. [Sustained=long term.] That was nothing nearly as turbulant as this year of my life has been.
-I learned that I hate living by myself. And yet I will make no plans to change that: mostly because my current Duplex is a great deal, and it has no room for 2 people who are not partners. I'm not ready for domestic partnership again after my last experience - and I have accepted that.
-I am afraid of making the change towards room mates. The questions flock my brain: who would it be, where, would the cost change in a bad way, would it end as poorly as 90% of the roomie stories seem to... etc etc etc. And my only roomie experience was with a best friend, who happened to be my partner. I know how much THAT fucked us up. We're trying to adapt to friendship finally and heal our wounds. I love that we can still be friends. No matter what. I am proud of us for reaching this place - in spite of all the hurt that ensued for both of us. Is that silly?
-I think reality hit about trust and friends, as well as loved ones. I have developed a couple of scars that are either healed, or beginning the journey of such.
-I made the decision finally, to pursue my education again - to stop letting financial fears and math phobias stand in my way. And mostly: it's been the financial fears.
-I fell in love my dogs all over again. They have been a constant source of solace, when I felt like I had no one.
-I changed myself for someone for the first time. I am not sure this was wise. Or Unwise.
-I cried more than I have this year, than any other year combined. And no, it was not just the alcohol. This has happened sober. The difference? I don't cry around people sober nearly as readily.
-I closed up for the first time ever. As in, stopped being nearly as open. This disappoints me. I've realized it and am trying to find my way back to the most open, honest me, that everyone knows me as. Not the closed, withdrawn me, that I didn't even know existed until it reared it's hideous head this year.
-I drank legally. Lots. And I don't care what people think of me for it; because it doesn't make you a better person just because you touch/don't touch substance. No, I am not an alcoholic.
And with that.
I realize this has been a rather bitter-sweet entry. Mostly outlining the bitter.
-Angela
In the year 2006 I resolve to: |
But... but... I like checking my email at 3 in the morning. It makes me feel comfy.
The computer is my security blanket.
;)
Anyhow. Here's to 2006 treating me and those who I love a whole lot better than 2005 may have.
Because I can say that 2005 will probably go into the memory banks of my life as "first turbulent year ever" in spite of the fact I lost my first sustained love in 2004. [Sustained=long term.] That was nothing nearly as turbulant as this year of my life has been.
-I learned that I hate living by myself. And yet I will make no plans to change that: mostly because my current Duplex is a great deal, and it has no room for 2 people who are not partners. I'm not ready for domestic partnership again after my last experience - and I have accepted that.
-I am afraid of making the change towards room mates. The questions flock my brain: who would it be, where, would the cost change in a bad way, would it end as poorly as 90% of the roomie stories seem to... etc etc etc. And my only roomie experience was with a best friend, who happened to be my partner. I know how much THAT fucked us up. We're trying to adapt to friendship finally and heal our wounds. I love that we can still be friends. No matter what. I am proud of us for reaching this place - in spite of all the hurt that ensued for both of us. Is that silly?
-I think reality hit about trust and friends, as well as loved ones. I have developed a couple of scars that are either healed, or beginning the journey of such.
-I made the decision finally, to pursue my education again - to stop letting financial fears and math phobias stand in my way. And mostly: it's been the financial fears.
-I fell in love my dogs all over again. They have been a constant source of solace, when I felt like I had no one.
-I changed myself for someone for the first time. I am not sure this was wise. Or Unwise.
-I cried more than I have this year, than any other year combined. And no, it was not just the alcohol. This has happened sober. The difference? I don't cry around people sober nearly as readily.
-I closed up for the first time ever. As in, stopped being nearly as open. This disappoints me. I've realized it and am trying to find my way back to the most open, honest me, that everyone knows me as. Not the closed, withdrawn me, that I didn't even know existed until it reared it's hideous head this year.
-I drank legally. Lots. And I don't care what people think of me for it; because it doesn't make you a better person just because you touch/don't touch substance. No, I am not an alcoholic.
And with that.
I realize this has been a rather bitter-sweet entry. Mostly outlining the bitter.
-Angela
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Date: 2006-01-02 04:47 am (UTC)