Tired.

[angelak]

Here at work.
I feel tired this weekend; as though the weekend took everything out of me.
Or someone beat the hell out of me and I am recovering from weakness.
The weekend was far different than I had ever dreamed. It all started wrong, on Friday.
And it progressed.

This morning I feel a bit icky.
I was pretty upbeat last night. And I still have a lot of those goals and hope to hold onto.
The goals are for myself; the hope is for Him.

I could kick myself a few hundred times, except I know that it won't help.
I know the best thing I can do for me is take care of me, and find me. There is all sorts of possibility for the future. I just have to remind myself this. I hate being in the same space as I was last March. Though, I know I'm different this time, and this is an entirely new set of issues. One being?

I have found some sort of closure on my fear behind aroidan and what he is to me. I can fully accept him as a friend, and not question this anymore. This was a small aspect that was ailing me. It feels good to have some resolution there. For some reason I could not fully feel the extent that I had closure with aroidan, until now.

It seems so silly, the timing of that. And it was most certainly triggered by my current loneliness. Yes - I woke up dreaming of laptops and dreaming that Khaya was helping me shop for one. This left me remembering something. "The hardest part is in the morning."

In that instance, I have to agree. It leaves you aching - wishing - maybe even despairing a little. I feel hallow a bit this morning.
I know I need some time and space to just be me and get happy with this again.
I fully intend on doing this.
I've already got a list of goals and things that I will obtain. These things will make me happy. I will still feel a dull emptiness - though I know I can take things one step at a time, even baby steps.

If only I could make the twinge of love stop Spasm-ing in my heart chakra. My biggest goal is to communicate as openly, unobtrusively, and honestly as possible. This is what I feel has caused us to get to this point. We were not open enough.

I feel so light headed when I think of reality.
So I try and cradle myself with the goals.

I am growing. I just miss that comfort and his reassurance.
The rain appears to have stopped. This will be better for him.
*sighs*

My mouth is dry like cotton. I should go find some water.

-Angela

Comments

[princekermit.livejournal.com]

It probably means next to nothing, but:

It gets better, I promise.

I could spout off all sorts of platitudes about Venus retrograde and growth and communication and all those g*ddamn learning experiences, but that really is a bunch of hot air.

But it does get better.

I can't point to a day on the calendar or give you a road map for how to get from here to there. But one day you will look up and you will be there.

Take care.

[cupiecake.livejournal.com]

morning is pretty lonely.
bedtime is pretty lonely, too. :(