Reset Button

[angelak]

As I've been discussing with the ever so awesome glitch25, (he has become one of my latest IM favorites)...

I seriously need my reset button hit.
Or something.

The past 2 weeks have just been tediously weird on me.
For instance: I cannot focus on things I really, really want to focus on.
My opinions change every week about how I feel my life is,
And things I've been DYING for, really aren't that fantastic when they do happen.
For instance, I met a few random guys who could be prospective friends, or who knows what.
Somehow, since the door is open on a few, I'm getting a little nervous to step outside my usual comfort zone.
WHAT THE HELL? I was whining forever about being stuck in my box!
And now the top of the box is open and all I need to do is jump out.

ANGELA, what the hell?

Goodness, goodness. I'm procrastining and focusing on stuff like deciding about large life change things and major purcashes that could affect me the rest of my life, or maybe just the next 4+ years.

IE:
Buying my own place in the near-distant-future. (Paradoxes rule)
Replacing my car with a sedan that will have me less bitchy about hauling my life around with me (as I tend to do).

In other news,
-I am happy with the length of my hair

-I have gained 5 lbs in a week and I feel like I could use the droppage of that,

-I feel as though for next week or so (until Coachella) I should cut back on the booze (been hooked on wine lately, wine and I are in love, but the love affair dwindles if I drink too much - too often)

-I have been having a good time staying in touch with the newest LJ convert of mine:
white_koi.

-I have been struggling with weekend updates and updates that really outline ANYTHING going on in my head/life.

-I'm boy crazy.

-I am getting over sex, and the fact I am not having any. (I am realizing I can live without and it isn't so bad.) It's not the biggest deal in the world.

-I need to exercise more this week and next.

-I had a blast swing dancing and several people told me I was a quick learner. THIS is amazing for anything movement oriented for me. I think I'm getting past my movement problems! I have rhythm now.

-I NEED to set aside some time for solitary rituals. I have a few in mind that could be very beneficial to where I am at right now. Though khaya did I pretty good job of "cord cutting," I think I need a closure, rite of passage for this relationship still. I feel like I've come a long ways in 4 months. Yes, it's been FOUR months since I last spoke to my previous love.

Feels like a hazy memory now. And yet so very vivid, like I find myself astrally traveling to his living room on occassion and before I realize I've done it, I've done it. Does that make sense? I loved his home.

-Work has been so busy that I stopped posting regularly.

-Off hours I've had massive ADD.

-I have finished the complete Season One DVD set of Gilmore Girls.

-I bought 2 movies, and they are girly.

-I'm totally happy with being girly.

-I need to go shopping to get a skirt for clubbing so that when I'm not going to the merc, I can actually wear my boots and stuff and look less GOTH than my really hot goth dress.

COACHELLA is in 2 weeks, I am planning, one way or the other, to nab an aircard to borrow for the trip down.
Seriously. I could chat on the car-ride! HELLLSSZZZZ JEAH! C'mon now, I'm a total geek and I cannot handle being disconnected!

I need to buy a convertor so I can power my laptop on the trip down. TJ better let me use his power in his car.
20 hours in a car? What else to do?? You can only play alphabet so many times.
There will be 4 of us in the car.

I hope his roomie doesn't mind my feet in his lap.
hahaha, okay, I met his roomie and I doubt I'd be THAT comfortable. Especially considering the girlfriend aspect (he has one, and a damned controlling one at that.)

I am looking forward to chinchillagirl's Sweet 16 party. I love that girl so much.

I enjoy most that we relate so well.
I feel so blessed that she was born 16 years ago! Her birthday is Thursday. Her party is Friday.
I WILL BE THERE. (not with bells on though.)
A thank you to damiana_swan for that. Offspring don't randomly turn into wonderful people. ;)

-The other day, I walked into my Duplex, and I was flooded with these feelings:
I love my home.

[That felt great.]

There is so much I guess that is happening inside of me, that I just cannot express.
I'm confused about love and men and dating.
I don't know what is what.
How can I date around and not have a primary? I'm confused.
I've been choking on this for four months.
I try and stay as open as possible. But the new guys I've met... I've got to figure out how to word it. Should I tell them I'm currently dating around in search of someone I could potentially engage in a long term relationship with?

I think that best describes how I feel.
Poly vs. Mono.
What do I do?
Is it possible to find someone who will mesh with me that is also into poly? I'm terrified that I can't.
And I ask myself how important it is to me.
I'd rather have a open, deep relationship with someone, and compromise my poly lifestyle at this time.
Is that unhealthy?
I guess they are all just decisions.
It feels so sloppy, my life does.
I know I'll be making a ton of mistakes in my life in the coming decade.
I just don't want to hurt anyone.
Including me.
So, such is my life.


-Angela

Comments

[quetz.livejournal.com]

There's nothing wrong with dating around--people do that all the time. Nor is there anything wrong with being honest (with yourself and with those you encounter) that you're searching for a long-term relationship. After a long while searching I'm quite happily involved with someone who's mono...and I'd rather be happy with one person than be miserable and alone.

Awesome for you!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Ditto.

-Angela

[wayfarer-atlas.livejournal.com]

Reset button? Hmm. I think I've asked this before, but can't remember the answer at the moment: Do you have any vacation time coming? Other than the festival, that is. Maybe that'll be enough, even.

Regarding the laptop power converter, hope you get one at a good price. Sometimes those things are spendy.

Regarding dance and exercise - Go Angela! And more of both will mean less of what you don't want...

Regarding dating - open and honest is good. You don't have to be completely open if you don't want to, but you should at least avoid being dishonest.

Regarding poly/mono - I want to first see if we agree on a definition of terms. If you 'date around', would we necessarily call this poly? For my definition, no. Poly is when you've gone beyond the dating stage and have decided to establish a long-lasting relationship with more than one partner. If you have only a single partner (or none) and still want sex on the side, there are clubs and associations (or just go to a bar, etc.) to fill the 'horny bucket'. Poly goes deeper. I bring this up because I'm curious over your phrase 'compromise my poly lifestyle'. What exactly is the compromise? What does that mean to you? And to what extent is it important that you and your partner(s) embrace a poly lifestyle? I am not poly myself (well, that I know of anyway - it's never come up), but I am not the jealous type so I see no problem with having a partner who is poly. My only worry in such a situation would be over disease. Here's a post from a friend of mine regarding this topic: The words of copperwise

Regarding mistakes and hurting people - You know it's gonna happen, right? Even when you think you're doing everything right. It's just now a perfect world. My advice is to try to avoid malice and just pay attention. And don't sweat it too much when things go pear-shaped.

I hope you find love, either with one or with more. You are deserving of it.

Pressing the reset button!

[nobodyberry.livejournal.com]

*BEEEEP*

[wayfarer-atlas.livejournal.com]

Crap. Must remember to scan for typo's... Replace "It's just now a perfect world." with "It's just not a perfect world."

Duh.

Look! Proof of my own statement! Heh.

Re: Pressing the reset button!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Thank gods for best friends like you, nobody.
You know just the right thing to say.
I will be calling you.

This week.
Just because you said the exact perfect thing! lol.

You're my heroin.

-Angela

Re: Pressing the reset button!

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

HEROINE?
nm

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm glad you adore chinchillagirl so much. I do too. :-)

As for the whole making mistakes thing ... don't be afraid to make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn and grow, and while hurting ourselves and others is never fun, what's really important is how you handle the aftermath. Do you ignore it, or do you do your best to make up for it, and figure out what you should be doing differently so that it doesn't happen any more?

You probably don't need to worry too much about the whole poly/mono thing at this point. I know more than one person who is what I call "poly/mono switch"; they can be happy in either kind of relationship as long as it's healthy, it fulfills their needs, and it's what the relationship needs.

Of course, I tend to deal with the whole subject by just limiting myself to dating only poly people. There isn't any shortage. :-)

And how can you date but not have a primary? Simple: be your own primary. Focus on putting your own needs first, and making sure you take care of yourself. You can still spend time with other people, focus on them, help to take care of them--you just make sure you're very very careful about how you set your priorities. It's not exactly easy, but it is good practice for growing healthy.

Poly/Mono Switch

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I think your description makes most sense to me.
It isn't one or the other that really gets me.
Thank you for pointing that out.

Because I can be in either. And still be happy.
Hmmm.

You've caused me to relax a little on that subject. I just have to remember, it doesn't HAVE to be one or the other at all times in my life.
Wow.

-Angela

Hmmm, wow

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

It's amazing to me.
I've come so used to a handful of my close friends understanding my perception of poly, that you not having gotten to know me well at all...
Well, I just get frustrated if I think my words are being misunderstood.
And I'm feeling that way with your perception of my words.
I don't really tell the whole story in LJ because a majority of my friends are IRL. Not that you aren't an IRL friend these days - you are now, it's just you've had very little exposure to some of these long-running topics (as they are long running for many.)
Like poly.
The first defensive thing comes to mind: Whose business is my definition of poly?

But then, that's just a knee jerk reaction I get when folks comment with any form of would-be, talking down to on subjects like these.

I have, as everyone does, my own definition of what poly is for me.
Two things: This post wasn't worded for immediate understanding of my personal views on it; in fact it was rather vague, AND

I tend to get defensive in general when I think someone is viewing my views entirely wrong.
Which is - partially what I think is going on here. Though - I'd have to re-read your comment again to re-comment and set you straight on my own view of it.

It's a vast topic, again.
And partially something I don't feel inclined to define on a public forum.
With an endless number of people able to view my statements.
Catch my drift?

*attempts not to become a flaming bitch in lui of the fact that I almost feel talked down to by this comment about the seriousness of poly*

-Angela

Oh - and

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty self aware about where to get random lays.
That really isn't my gig. But - thanks for the advice... ?

-Angela

Lastly

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

I hope I didn't seem rude and stuff in my other posts.
My apologies if I did.

-Angela

Re: Hmmm, wow

[wayfarer-atlas.livejournal.com]

My apologies if I came off in any way as judgmental or condescending. I certainly didn't intend to do so. What you may have interpreted as me being so is just an intensity I sometimes bring to a subject when I'm trying to understand it myself. I can get very focused, which helps when doing troubleshooting or problem-solving, but I guess can come off the wrong way - especially in a forum like this when subtle nuances are iffy at best.

Like you said, I've only met you a few times and don't know you very well yet. That's why I wanted to find out more about how you defined things, so that I would better understand you. I also wanted to use this topic as a segue to share with you a bit of wisdom from another friend of mine - Mia.

So, are we cool?

Now you have me thinking about relationships, love, sex, hang-ups, perspectives - the whole gamut.

I'm also thinking about what I might do with my Sunday before I head back to Portland. If I've finished helping my friend Aaron move, and if I have time, I'd like to see if the dairy on Hwy 202 just south of NE 124th in Redmond still has those amazing ice cream cones... Interested?

Oh, and you're not coming off as bitchy, but I can tell that this subject is heartfelt by you. At the risk of earning your disfavor, I'd actually like to talk with you more about it.