angelak | Rambling at 4AM. (Reply)

4AM.
All week I have had very weird sleep. Not just weird hours.
Weird dream patterns, repeating themselves over and over as if my mind chooses one thing and sticks to it all night long.

It was the Gilmore Girls actresses one night.
I cannot remember what it was the first night.
Tonight it was the song Jim used in his video and Mac’s suicide circulating in my head.
I didn’t need that. Worst part is that each night I keep waking up every hour or two just enough to be aware that I am dreaming of the same thing.
Tonight sleep felt troubled entirely.
I didn’t want to be thinking of Mac, and of the people who seem to take their lives in this town. I am beginning to (this sounds ridiculous maybe) associate Issaquah with cancer and suicide. My ex director died of cancer – the one who lived in this duplex before more. Nice.

Mac’s wife “died” of cancer too. Now I hear from someone else (heresy) that she actually took her own life as well. I know. Death happens these ways everywhere – but uh. I haven’t experienced it so much, so close in a short period of my life until I moved here.

I was reading for a while because I got tired of fighting weird thoughts/images about my ex-co-worker. I was not very close to Mac. I worked with him regularly throughout the course of 5 years, and was seriously a pleasure to work with. But it was a working relationship. Outside smiles and a few personal conversations while checking out his computer here and there, it didn’t go deeper. So I’m not sure why my brain chooses this topic to imagine.

I had weird inclinations to feel insecure in my own home about the suicidal energy. Not for my own harm, but for the fact I feel like there is all these weird mojo floating on this block. Ridiculous? I don’t know.

I am jumpy as it is alone in this duplex and always have been since Steve moved out. No secret. Over the course of the last 2-3 years, I have learned to buck up and be less skittish. But I’m afraid this “wanting another human of my own clan” in the next room over thing, will never go away for me.

I don’t need them near me, talking to me all the time. I just need the knowledge that this person connected to me somehow is in vicinity.
I don’t think it is so unusual now that I have spoken to some of my friends. A better majority who aren’t particularly “loner” sorts speak the same “I’d hate living alone.” I don’t know their reasons, or if they’re similar to mine. But I know I went from living with 4 other people my whole childhood – to living with 1 other person – to living alone.

It had never occurred to me that someone in the living room or their own bedroom, totally separate from me, could still be serving a purpose in settling my over-active imagination.

There’s some weird thought that if anything ever happened to me, and someone else was there – they’d know. At least one other person on the planet would have the story even if they came to harm as well.

I feel better writing instead of trying to sleep and imagining weird Mac-bullet-in-head images.

Mouth pain? A little. Only one quarter of my mouth really, as I told my mom. The bottom left, the one the surgeon probably had the most trouble with and took the most bone out of feels a little sore still. Not as bad as it was. I took Roxicet at work (heh, best team meeting of my life – I swear) and it was good. Later that night I do not think I ate enough. My dinner came up rather explosively.

I didn’t take more. 15 minutes ago I popped some ibuprophen because the Tylenol is across the street at my desk. It isn’t hurting TOO badly, as in – I could cope with this and not be too miserable. Follow up apt is at 10! I know I mentioned some of this already but whatever.

It will be nice for the surgeon to give me his opinion on the situation.
And I was telling mom, “it feels like the right side is almost normal again, top and bottom, and of course I think the nerves are doing something a little tricky because sometimes my top left hurts even though I think it is entirely fine too.”

My dad informed me (dental assistant for 20 years guy) that the nerve criss-crosses or something (I may be repeating him wrong) and that sometimes the body confuses the pain from the bottom like that. I felt special because I was observant enough to catch that subtle detail and then I found out about how the nerve works. So it basically assures me that yeah – there was struggle with bottom left (I had noted this as early as day 1, more swelling/scratching on the inside of the mouth). If the right side of my mouth is any indication of what is to be in a day or two with the bottom left – I am very. Very. Excited. It means I could start living my life and not feeling wonky. Perhaps clean my GODS-AWFULLY messy house. I just have felt so crummy that cleaning has been. Really unappealing.

I am excited for Saturday because we pick up Houdini (I am going with mom) and having lunch first. I think Jim is coming and … yeah. I’m silly and miss him a little. It’ll be nice to hang out with him outside of his room. His Valentine’s Day gift was shipped.

I was going to write a whole essay on Valentine’s Day.
And then I didn’t.
Frankly – as it stands, I’ll take any excuse to show my significant other that they’re important to me, even if for some that means “show it on this day only” or something? Not so much for me. I had an in depth little statement on it but maybe I can get to it later today.

Really I have just wanted to get him this gift since Christmas. I face issues that he isn’t as inclined to be as generous as me. Now, I don’t mind much (although yeah, a gift now and again is nice) and it is a sensitive point when he rants about how expensive all jewelry is and his little weird baggage about it – but frankly, his hangup should not change how I tread as for means of affection.

Frankly, if I’m actually into someone – it really truly is a gift to myself to gift someone else. It may be that it runs that way with the women in my family. Again, my mom – very generous. Loves to give neat gifts, and my grandma is one step exaggerated. Even if it means going out of my way and spending more than I *need* to, or *should*.

There was that one meme going around about the 7 ways of showing affection and stuff? It was neat. It covered many bases. I forget where it was and what they were, but I feel like I could write ANOTHER post on that alone.
And even show it to Jim.

So, because I am a consumer whore, and eventually will have a big fatty tax return (once I get over this crap and mail some stuff to the gov’t) – I got an email confirming shipment (YES, I ordered it last night and they confirmed shipment sometime in the wee hours of this morning!)

Very excited that it could come today or Monday, although maybe Tuesday. In a locked post that he cannot somehow stumble upon, I’ll post an image of it. (Although he really doesn’t read this typically, but you just never know.)

So. Digressing. I get more pleasure and readily spend more on him than he does on me. *shrugs* It’s just how I am and just how he is. Fine by me – in summary.
Again, I’ve wanted an excuse to buy him this anyway and my mom pushed me over the edge. She enjoys doing that.

What else? Well. I could read some more. Or post a belated Thankful Thursday.
Eh.

I really want to have enough energy to attack my house with gusto. Damnit.
:X
Not there yet. At all.
Someday.

-Angela