angelak | Life, life, life (Reply)

I was going to write some stuff, but now my mind is blanking.
Tons of stuff going.
Trying not to panic about things more than I need to. I've been sort of going off the deep end about a lot of things. My knees do feel stronger. I feel like if I just keep on hanging on, they'll be normal by end of year.

;) Not really a joke... my single goal is to feel like I can do more of what I want by my birthday - which is the end of this month. If I improve as much as I have in the last two weeks - in the next 2 weeks, well.
It might just be easier.

I am also feeling anxiety socially more than usual. I want people, but when I get around them, I want to leave.
Of course, Jim being the exception.

Our lease is officially ended as of Oct 31. I've had a bad feeling about Jim's current job for months. It's commissioned sort of piece work. Paid per job. Now we're looking into housing. Home ownership and such.
And this is lending itself to Jim discovering maybe his job situation is just not good enough anymore. I feel like I am good at stunting men or something, because we've been in the Duplex with the lower rent and he's felt comfortable working his part time job.

He called to talk about VA home loans and he isn't qualified. He'd need 2 years proof of his commissioned work. He started a year ago. Now I'm bummed about that. And they want a minimum amount of money per month obviously like any loan... and my income doesn't qualify. I make more, undoubtedly because I work full time and have a pretty decent career. But the only way I would count would be if we were married. Not going to happen.
That isn't how we roll.

Although I'd hazard to say the very large life decision that we've both made to enter a home partnership... is almost as big of a deal to me as marriage. I am not concerned because I've been the flighty one in this relationship. And I feel confident that I'm not really wanting to bolt. Sure - everyone says that. Whatever.

My life - I can feel that this is the guy for me as much as I want, after all.
Been eating a bit off lately. Not the greatest foods for me. Eating too much. Today I plan on getting back on with not eating as much crap. I think in some total over the past 5 months of injury I'm now sitting around a 5-10lb gain.

Doing my best to not whine and just use the usual formula. Expend the calories I injest. (And cut a few along side with exercise). I am feeling good about my overall progress with running. I've reached phase 8 yesterday - 15 minutes straight running (after the 10 minute warm up, and of course 10 minute cool down.) And stretching. I stopped icing recently mostly because I gave myself ANOTHER ice burn. I suck. I over-compressed.

April 14th I hurt myself. We're sitting at August. I understand why I've been so upset this entire time. It has forced me to restructure my life. And not just for a month or two. Things are just different now and I'm doing my damndest to accept it without freaking out too much. It doesn't always work.

So - now, I have a broker working on some numbers, we unfortunately fell in love with a place. Which means instead of doing it the way *I like* (getting your money, and then shopping) now I sit and wait for numbers and wonder if we can make what we want work. Which is NOT HOW I LIKE things to go.

I want us to get into a place we can stay at. We aren't as interested in flipping housing and playing with the market. We want a home we'll stick with and can get comfortable with the financial standings with. Get in it, and STAY. First off, I am in the preliminary stages of purchasing and I already feel the minor anxieties. I'm thinking to myself, "WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THIS 5 years down the road if I already have a place?" Sides, it costs to get home loans for gods'sake.

A lot, lot, lot of people like to trade up. Good on them. BUt if I can find something that makes me content enough not to want to trade up? Well... we'll see.

As I was saying, the numbers, the numbers. The strain is both that Jim is not really content with his current job anymore, and we're doing this "we want this particular place" and "what will the banks give us" "how much can we afford" yada yada yada.

Although Jim likes to do 50/50 on everything, it sounds like some of the smaller household costs, if we get the higher end of our mortgage range, will fall to me. That is fine with me. It's not like I haven't had more than enough opportunity to waste my money in the last 5 years that I have lived in the low-rent unit we have now.

I feel more than ready to buy - because I'm doing as much legwork as I can. I feel comfortable handling it primarily. I feel bad because I grabbed the reins immediately for the house the moment I found out my lease was up. It was like my tenantship here was holding me back all this time. And the moment I found out, and realized that to me now felt like the time.......

I kept saying I'd know when the time was right. The time feels right - no matter what.
I also wasn't comfortable with Jim's current job, having had a weird gut feeling about wanting him out of it and into something more regular and steady since January this year. And now push comes to shove, and it seems that it'd be best for him to shift gears. He also WANTS to shift gears now. All year he was willing to give things a harder shot than he has - with the tiny company he works with right now.

It isn't enough because it is part time. It also is just no longer where his heart is anymore now that he realizes he just isn't making it enough to make a decent living. It's going to be an interesting 3 months, folks. Stay tuned for the awesome ride, but I have hopes by the time I move into a new place no matter where it is that things will be a little less shitty for my knee. Hah hahaha!!!!

Oh man. Numbers and qualification ideas are coming in my email inbox sometime after 10AM. Maybe around noonish. Jim and I both get anxious about seeing this because like I said - we accidentally fell for a place already. Thanks STEVE (my ex). He showed us a listing online (he's been a bit of a resource to me because he's now bought 2 places of his own). It was low in price for what it is and where it is.

So he said we should drive out to find it. And we did. And we fell for it. And we don't even know what our numbers are! FUCK.

This is not not not how I wanted it. (It was supposed to less pressured because we'd have the money in pocket and then we'd know just WHAT we could have and not have before we even stepped foot near a place). That is how Angela likes things.

AH well, if there is something to work for, this might be it. And if it doesn't work, whatever.
I guess it's time to work.
Oh, and for the record. My "landlord" guy in facilities here - decided to tell me about my lease ending on my front sidewalk in front of another co worker.

Unprofessional or what? I was a bit weirded out first off by being told in passing because I made it clear to him that I had an appointment. He said, "oh well this won't take long!" and he proceeded to tell me the lease was up. (It's month to month.) "I didn't want you to be surprised by the note in the mail!"

WTF? And telling me in passing in front of a co worker is any less surprising????

I swear there has got to be a policy about that???
I will not miss those asshats. Another thing. I have no idea but I am cheerful this morning. Maybe it's because I think I can do the hard work to improve my current physique and not give up?

Maybe it's because Jim WANTS this as much as I do, and he's committed to making it work. Most likely it is because one day, I won't have fucked up knees.

-Angela