Less depressive; Moment to moment
Oct. 1st, 2008 07:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakMy biggest piece of advice from Jim in the past few days was to live in the moment, from moment to moment. That is how he made it through a lot of his hardships without losing his shine, his positive nature. Focus on the things that aren't amiss, and the things that are will not be so hard to endure.
I am guessing at the fact that all this life stuff is drowning me a little, but I've got to pull out of it. I've got to.
I can't let this sadness defeat me right now. I have another month of hard work before I can relax... but I should learn to relax in the midst of this. So my knees hurt. That's ok. It means I have to watch my food closer when I can't find it in me to work out. I need to start living off of more structured plans, because I know I am more apt to succeed this way and be less off kilter.
I've got to stop focusing on the things that make me angry, that progress my downward spirals. I've got to change the way I think, and keep working at it. And working at it and working at it. I've got all sorts of support from Jim right now - and without that I think I'd be so much worse off.
Right now he has taken over as liaison of our loan matters. I think that is the best thing that could have happened. I was at it for a couple of months (Since Aug 1st) with the house business, and after 2 months of it, I am spent on the notion.
I'd complain about the economy, but I honestly think the economy has less to do with us than our personal situations. It frustrates me when my co workers talk about the bigger issues looming out there. (Read, bail out). I'd rather just forget I'm in the midst of loan processing. They don't help.
I've got to live moment to moment and thinking about those larger issues just makes me feel that drowning feeling even more.
And not to dwell on that. The best part of this is that our lenders so far with FHA have been more positive I think. So it's just a matter of us waiting and praying that all falls into place anyway. I never have gotten the feeling that "we've lost the place," yet. And my gut has been pretty good in the last 5 years of my life. It's the waiting that I've got to learn to deal with. And if it doesn't work out - so be it. It will not have been because I made shitty money or had poor credit. It will have been something bigger than me.
Because I'm going to be honest. I make good money. With Jim's smaller income, we make decent combined monies. I have excellent credit. He has almost excellent credit (damn him for not spending his money on random shit and credit cards, he kept it in cash for gods'sake).
God forbid somebody not waste their cash on useless crap (like I did).
Well, my furniture and random other worldly goods are things I don't regret having, and they did help build my credit. I have an excellent score.
So on the positives:
My knee is slowly behaving today. Although I have taken 3 days or so off of working out, I think my body might have needed it.
I cannot be negative on it. I must listen to my body. I must also treat myself like my very best friend. And pretty much that's easy to do. After all - my best friends are all off doing their own thing right now.
My other very best friend is Jim. I need to stop acting out against him and use him as my team member. I have possibly been taking my life frustrations out on him. It's not his fault. None of it is. There is nothing he has done that has been anything but good.
He is working hard overnight full time. He is bringing home money, paying his half, and doing his best to cope with a girlfriend who is half falling apart emotionally. He is scarifacing sleep in order to resolve greater good for our team.
What I really need is to reclaim the tenderness and the adorable infatuation that I know exists between us. Instead of putting up barbed wired walls and barricading myself into a square pen that only hurts me.
I'm trying my best.
I will continue to eat the healthy foods and make my goal by the time we move. I'd like to lose 1 lb per week. That gives me roughly 3-5 lbs.
If I gain, like I did last week - so what. I need to keep trying to be strong and do what I can when I can. And not push those runs. I might scale back my time from 19/3/19 (with 10 min warm up and 10 cool down) back to 17/2/17 (with 10 min warm up cool down) once the knee flair up goes away.
I might also add I am going to run my 5K this weekend and do my very best. And not care. I'm a runner and that isn't going to go away. Not because I have to slow down, not because I'm injured, not because my life feels like it is falling down around me.
I never would have found this identity so strong without this heart breaking half a year. Although I wish I were 138 and running those 11:26 minute 1.5 milers, (my early 08 stats) it doesn't mean that the 146, god'knows'how fast girl cannot get back there. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year. I don't care.
It still beats the 170 me of Early 07. And I have proved to myself I can train back up relatively easily, and my head is motivated. I just need to ensure my body is ready for it. Slow, slow, slow progressions. No hills.
One other thing is that my size 7s are fitting rather unsnugly. So the size 5s are probably just snugish. Not so bad, between 5 and 7. I can accept this as an interim size. It's rather good.
In the positives:
My arms are badass. Quite a lot more badass than they were 8 months ago.
So today, I am going to break my 3-4 day work out break, ignore the fact that last week was a 1 lb gain, and put as much energy as I can into building a weekly schedule/plan for my workouts/also stretching strength training on my legs. I've got to come out of this ahead.
And I think I might go in to the doctor and have a talk (a different one) about where I am in the healing process, and request an MRI because damnit, my insurance covers it and I don't want to fuck around.
I might also talk to them about some of the extreme depressive lows I've experienced in the last 6 months, and my current life situation. Although I am not proud of where I've been... I must admit it has been a worse mental state than I've ever seen in my life.
I've got to remember that this taking control of me is a long, slow, patient process.
-Angela
I am guessing at the fact that all this life stuff is drowning me a little, but I've got to pull out of it. I've got to.
I can't let this sadness defeat me right now. I have another month of hard work before I can relax... but I should learn to relax in the midst of this. So my knees hurt. That's ok. It means I have to watch my food closer when I can't find it in me to work out. I need to start living off of more structured plans, because I know I am more apt to succeed this way and be less off kilter.
I've got to stop focusing on the things that make me angry, that progress my downward spirals. I've got to change the way I think, and keep working at it. And working at it and working at it. I've got all sorts of support from Jim right now - and without that I think I'd be so much worse off.
Right now he has taken over as liaison of our loan matters. I think that is the best thing that could have happened. I was at it for a couple of months (Since Aug 1st) with the house business, and after 2 months of it, I am spent on the notion.
I'd complain about the economy, but I honestly think the economy has less to do with us than our personal situations. It frustrates me when my co workers talk about the bigger issues looming out there. (Read, bail out). I'd rather just forget I'm in the midst of loan processing. They don't help.
I've got to live moment to moment and thinking about those larger issues just makes me feel that drowning feeling even more.
And not to dwell on that. The best part of this is that our lenders so far with FHA have been more positive I think. So it's just a matter of us waiting and praying that all falls into place anyway. I never have gotten the feeling that "we've lost the place," yet. And my gut has been pretty good in the last 5 years of my life. It's the waiting that I've got to learn to deal with. And if it doesn't work out - so be it. It will not have been because I made shitty money or had poor credit. It will have been something bigger than me.
Because I'm going to be honest. I make good money. With Jim's smaller income, we make decent combined monies. I have excellent credit. He has almost excellent credit (damn him for not spending his money on random shit and credit cards, he kept it in cash for gods'sake).
God forbid somebody not waste their cash on useless crap (like I did).
Well, my furniture and random other worldly goods are things I don't regret having, and they did help build my credit. I have an excellent score.
So on the positives:
My knee is slowly behaving today. Although I have taken 3 days or so off of working out, I think my body might have needed it.
I cannot be negative on it. I must listen to my body. I must also treat myself like my very best friend. And pretty much that's easy to do. After all - my best friends are all off doing their own thing right now.
My other very best friend is Jim. I need to stop acting out against him and use him as my team member. I have possibly been taking my life frustrations out on him. It's not his fault. None of it is. There is nothing he has done that has been anything but good.
He is working hard overnight full time. He is bringing home money, paying his half, and doing his best to cope with a girlfriend who is half falling apart emotionally. He is scarifacing sleep in order to resolve greater good for our team.
What I really need is to reclaim the tenderness and the adorable infatuation that I know exists between us. Instead of putting up barbed wired walls and barricading myself into a square pen that only hurts me.
I'm trying my best.
I will continue to eat the healthy foods and make my goal by the time we move. I'd like to lose 1 lb per week. That gives me roughly 3-5 lbs.
If I gain, like I did last week - so what. I need to keep trying to be strong and do what I can when I can. And not push those runs. I might scale back my time from 19/3/19 (with 10 min warm up and 10 cool down) back to 17/2/17 (with 10 min warm up cool down) once the knee flair up goes away.
I might also add I am going to run my 5K this weekend and do my very best. And not care. I'm a runner and that isn't going to go away. Not because I have to slow down, not because I'm injured, not because my life feels like it is falling down around me.
I never would have found this identity so strong without this heart breaking half a year. Although I wish I were 138 and running those 11:26 minute 1.5 milers, (my early 08 stats) it doesn't mean that the 146, god'knows'how fast girl cannot get back there. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe a year. I don't care.
It still beats the 170 me of Early 07. And I have proved to myself I can train back up relatively easily, and my head is motivated. I just need to ensure my body is ready for it. Slow, slow, slow progressions. No hills.
One other thing is that my size 7s are fitting rather unsnugly. So the size 5s are probably just snugish. Not so bad, between 5 and 7. I can accept this as an interim size. It's rather good.
In the positives:
My arms are badass. Quite a lot more badass than they were 8 months ago.
So today, I am going to break my 3-4 day work out break, ignore the fact that last week was a 1 lb gain, and put as much energy as I can into building a weekly schedule/plan for my workouts/also stretching strength training on my legs. I've got to come out of this ahead.
And I think I might go in to the doctor and have a talk (a different one) about where I am in the healing process, and request an MRI because damnit, my insurance covers it and I don't want to fuck around.
I might also talk to them about some of the extreme depressive lows I've experienced in the last 6 months, and my current life situation. Although I am not proud of where I've been... I must admit it has been a worse mental state than I've ever seen in my life.
I've got to remember that this taking control of me is a long, slow, patient process.
-Angela
