Friends

[angelak]

For a while, I've felt sort of in need of friends.
My high school friends stopped feeling soul-connecting.
The females.
I know within the last year I've also started feeling more and more social anxiety.
It mounts up when people I'm not familiar with, eastsidey type wealthier, socially conscious women are in the group.

My HS friend Mel likes to do things in groups. She likes to invite people I'm not comfortable with to groups. That's her prerogative. But lately I've felt a lot of fear surrounded around doing group stuff. That's fine.

We got into some lame argument because I'm "shutting people out," wherein she gave me the "friendship is a 2 way street" lecture. She said, "you bitch and bitch about having no friends to hang with - and then this!" This annoyed me. I hate being lectured on things like this. Just because the last 2 months of my life were insanely busy (honestly, I've been devoting my entirety to healing my knees with Yoga, and my heart with Yoga, and work.) Mentally - I've been really trying to find solutions to my depression. It's hard work, but I think I am making excellent headway and I feel like a new woman already.

These are the things that keep me going. I realized last year that our few meetings to have coffee were leaving me a little empty of... heart to heart *this is what is going through my head* support. So I decided to look within, and not outside of me to find this. That's what the Yoga has sort of provided me. An opportunity to allow myself to be my own best friend. And it has been a wonderful learning experience. Now - I told Mel I didn't want to go to her "passion" party because there were eastsidey women going. Call me a bitch, but I'm a bit of a nerd, okay. Bare with me.

Let's face it - I'm a techie, poly, pagan - who doesn't really live in the same plane of reality as some of the people Mel surrounds herself with. I told her I didn't want to go - she kept asking. She knows over the last year I've become a bit socially anxious in situations. Group situations with women tend to be it.

She thinks she has social anxiety. Okay, maybe she has got it. Yes - I've struggled with depression. We've had minor discussions on this. She has had panic attacks, and that is her form of depression. She constantly compares her situations with my own saying that "she totally understands," when she doesn't. Digression.

She txts me on the phone here and there. I never carry my phone around with me anymore. Hers is attached to her hip like many 20-somethings now days. Over 50% of her queries to me, I got 2 days later and it was too late. I was in class - I left my phone in my purse and didn't look at it for 2 days. These sort of things. And so when she invited me out, so far this year it has looked like this:

I was busy with an engagement that was earlier planned,
or
I got the query too late (her invitation date had passed!)

She's lecturing me on the mechanics of good friendship, telling me that she has no idea what to do because she has tried EVERYTHING with me. It made me feel like garbage. I lost my temper.
She logged off before the end of the conversation (this was IM) was finished. That really basically sucks ass, because then there is no resolution. What so ever.

I then went to Yoga class and had the best class ever because I told myself after a few cleansing tears that DAMNIT, I needed the class.

I was like, "the hell if I will miss it over this!" And I went in with a "look at your best in the mirror" attitude. With a, "this Yoga is going to balance me," attitude, and excelled. The entire class (not just me) was rather strong yesterday afternoon.

So my dilemma is she gave me the whole "I'll be here when you're ready" tude that frankly peeved me. Jim says likely she's frustrated that she cannot get through to me and angry.
Well - it's been 3 months. Or 2? Let's just call 09 the whole of the solo phase for me. Except, I've always been somewhat solo - and then the girls would invite me once in a long while to do things, and I'd accept. Lately I've just had this new diversion that does me SO MUCH GOOD, that I didn't want to cancel because I was hesitant over the not so good feeling I had when I went to chit-chat with Mel about the stuff in life that I find ... a bit less deep.

Once I get focused on certain things, sometimes I lose the ability to take on too much. We've all got only so much time...

I'm at a stalemate for whether I meet up (at this point I'm feeling trepidation, will it be awkward? We've had this huge mess, she's accusing me of being a shitty friend).
I was just frustrated because she's queried me so many times for her party, then proceeded to tell me what a good time it was and how they had this sleep over at Kelsi's, how I should have come I should come. I was losing my stack.

No means no. I did say no. I also said, "maybe we can meet up another time and I can see your house then." I even explained via text what I was doing (her method, not mine - I hate txting and I hate phones - it is no secret) and it was this big long thing telling her what I was up to.

I mean literally I said I was just trying to heal by doing lots of yoga, that I was working on my depression this way, and that I was busy at work and of course, let's not forget spending the time with Jim that allows us to have a growing and bountiful relationship. Or something along those lines. I suck at txting, it's really a bad form of communication to me. I think she doesn't get that not everyone likes txts; I understand that not everyone has an LJ, or enjoys IM. I don't expect responses via email or IM only. So why should I be chastised over my spotty responses to txts? For one thing, she does it during my work day often. I have only enough space on me to carry my company phone. I know, I'm making excuses, but it's again - and irritant.

I feel irritated with her, and almost ready to give it up.
Ideas? Comments? Am I being stupid? Do I shut you people who ARE my friends out? I'm confused.
On one hand maybe I'm being a dick. On the other hand, I tried to explain to her what my life was about so far this year and I have told her how anxious I am in social settings...

I guess I had to put myself first this year. I had this epiphany with my yoga. I was like - "wow! I've had alone time before, but this time I'm really feeling indulged with my own company..." As in... much of last year I went about feeling like I was searching for some missing thing to my life. After a very strict and frequent yoga practice, suddenly I felt I had "it." The "it" that I had been looking for...

She just keeps saying "for me if people ask it helps." "Forcing myself" with people helps.
That is not at all what helps me one damn bit. I don't LIKE coming home and feeling like shit for hanging out with a bunch of _ what I see, as superficial bitches.


I don't LIKE feeling awkward and silent. I don't like it at all and I don't see why I should force myself into things that make me feel bad. Really - an all call for thoughts. Give me your best shot at honest truth. Don't be gentle with me. Okay, be gentle, but even if it isn't what I agree with I'll appreciate your comments.

-Angela