Warning: Whiny dumb post
Jul. 22nd, 2009 08:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakStarting out my day at the office. Got up at 5AM as per my 30 day trial: it's day 13. It isn't hard anymore at all. It comes a lot more automatic, and I have definitely improved on not using the snooze button what so ever. I think by the end of the 30 days my bad habit of the snooze button will be gone, and I think I like being an early riser.
Today I didn't feel motivated to do anything. I didn't meditate, I didn't clean, I just hung out with Jim.
I was contemplating going for a “slow jog,” as per approved by my physical therapist...
But it is hard to convince myself to start again. I know it will be harder than the last time I took these legs out. It's been a while since I ran and therefore it's the “start over,” shitty feeling.
I felt sort of down this morning.
I woke up grumpy. It is hard to hang out with people and not somehow find a reason to be down afterwards. I know that's ridiculous. I've got to get over it. I have a great time in the moment, but later I think about the things I talked about. It's hard, because I get sick of hearing everyone's assumptions about how fast I should heal – or their assumptions about what works and what doesn't. I get sick of the fact I can never really put this whole experience into words. When I try to explain it, it puts me back into the headspace that I have learned is to be avoided: comparing myself to the old me. That is a very strong depressive button for me. Talking and thinking about all the things I used to have (physical strengths and capabilities, as well as looks).
e.
It takes me out of the here and now, and sends me backwards. And backwards is definitely the number one way that I start my depressive cycle. I did it last night when I hung out with a friend. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me – so I try to explain, but it never quite can be put into words except through the people who have been there and watched me fight and struggle and fall and get back up again.
And it makes me angry deep down to know I'm not that athlete anymore. I'm just that plain average person – like everybody else. I'm not badass, I'm not special like that. Instead, I'm even less than average sometimes because I'm limited working with my condition. And that makes me insane.
I can't put it into words, but this is in part why I get pretty anti social. Why I don't return calls, why I don't talk to people. I will hang out, and then feel like a relapse of depression the following day.
But usually I hang out once and retreat back to my reclusive life. Maybe I'm just not giving it enough of a chance. (Social interaction). I'm a great person with strengths and weaknesses and I know that.
I've been really on a roll lately with my attitude and my mentality. But every now and then I have pitfalls. I get even more angry that I can't objectively view my life. I can't be that person that is happy with what I have in the moment. I used to believe in myself. It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to blow off all the things the physical therapist is telling me. It makes me want to go hike and run and push myself. But instead I sit and feel paralyzed with the notions. I feel weird this morning and think it is sad that spending quality time with people who are awesome can take me back to some bad mental patterns. What the fuck is my problem.
I do know I hardly got across my circumstance. It feels impossible to describe what it is to people who have not been close to me the whole time it has been happening. I think this is really what discourages me from people. New people, other people, yada yada.
Oh yeah. My self esteem went from awesome to shitty in 20 minutes. (The 20 minutes it took to fuck over my knees). It's ok. Some people get in car accidents, and that happens in seconds. Doesn't matter how long it took, I am here now, with my new set of lifestyle limits. With people talking about how insane it is that sometimes so fucking youthful not heal quickly like most youthful people.
Fuck it all.
I've never been like most youthful people.
So why should my body heal like most youth?
Might as well heal like a goddamn 70 year old.
Plain jane arms, I let my arms slide.
Plain jane legs, and ass, plain jane everything. I fucking hate it all.
And all the while I know I am attractive, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly.
But none of that matters if the lady in the looking glass isn't my friend.
There is this part of me that would violently beat the fuck out of myself if I met myself on the street.
Some days there is a violent self hatred that comes from the notion that I am not accepting and loving of myself every moment.
There are times I think I'm awesome. Today isn't one of them.
There are times I feel like I'm still pretty fit for an injured person. Today is not one of them.
At least I found out that therapy is covered under my insurance plan.
It's clear I could really use it.
But right now because it started with a work EAP situation, it is geared towards getting my limitations (physically) across to my boss. I have not brought up any of these stupid self-sabotaging attitudes.
I don't like to admit that they exist. But you cannot ignore what lives inside of you.
What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to accomplish?
Am I supposed to be that stupid fucker that sits on her ass for the rest of her life?
Honestly, none of that matters.
When I hang out with people and try and get them to understand my past - I really relive it and end up in that same depressed place I used to be. How dumb. I should stop trying to be something I was and be what I am today. Plain, average, and injured. On the mend. (Although tons better than I was!!!)
What matters is right now, it is the only thing I have.
-Angela
Today I didn't feel motivated to do anything. I didn't meditate, I didn't clean, I just hung out with Jim.
I was contemplating going for a “slow jog,” as per approved by my physical therapist...
But it is hard to convince myself to start again. I know it will be harder than the last time I took these legs out. It's been a while since I ran and therefore it's the “start over,” shitty feeling.
I felt sort of down this morning.
I woke up grumpy. It is hard to hang out with people and not somehow find a reason to be down afterwards. I know that's ridiculous. I've got to get over it. I have a great time in the moment, but later I think about the things I talked about. It's hard, because I get sick of hearing everyone's assumptions about how fast I should heal – or their assumptions about what works and what doesn't. I get sick of the fact I can never really put this whole experience into words. When I try to explain it, it puts me back into the headspace that I have learned is to be avoided: comparing myself to the old me. That is a very strong depressive button for me. Talking and thinking about all the things I used to have (physical strengths and capabilities, as well as looks).
e.
It takes me out of the here and now, and sends me backwards. And backwards is definitely the number one way that I start my depressive cycle. I did it last night when I hung out with a friend. I want people to know me. I want people to understand me – so I try to explain, but it never quite can be put into words except through the people who have been there and watched me fight and struggle and fall and get back up again.
And it makes me angry deep down to know I'm not that athlete anymore. I'm just that plain average person – like everybody else. I'm not badass, I'm not special like that. Instead, I'm even less than average sometimes because I'm limited working with my condition. And that makes me insane.
I can't put it into words, but this is in part why I get pretty anti social. Why I don't return calls, why I don't talk to people. I will hang out, and then feel like a relapse of depression the following day.
But usually I hang out once and retreat back to my reclusive life. Maybe I'm just not giving it enough of a chance. (Social interaction). I'm a great person with strengths and weaknesses and I know that.
I've been really on a roll lately with my attitude and my mentality. But every now and then I have pitfalls. I get even more angry that I can't objectively view my life. I can't be that person that is happy with what I have in the moment. I used to believe in myself. It makes me want to scream, it makes me want to blow off all the things the physical therapist is telling me. It makes me want to go hike and run and push myself. But instead I sit and feel paralyzed with the notions. I feel weird this morning and think it is sad that spending quality time with people who are awesome can take me back to some bad mental patterns. What the fuck is my problem.
I do know I hardly got across my circumstance. It feels impossible to describe what it is to people who have not been close to me the whole time it has been happening. I think this is really what discourages me from people. New people, other people, yada yada.
Oh yeah. My self esteem went from awesome to shitty in 20 minutes. (The 20 minutes it took to fuck over my knees). It's ok. Some people get in car accidents, and that happens in seconds. Doesn't matter how long it took, I am here now, with my new set of lifestyle limits. With people talking about how insane it is that sometimes so fucking youthful not heal quickly like most youthful people.
Fuck it all.
I've never been like most youthful people.
So why should my body heal like most youth?
Might as well heal like a goddamn 70 year old.
Plain jane arms, I let my arms slide.
Plain jane legs, and ass, plain jane everything. I fucking hate it all.
And all the while I know I am attractive, I'm not fat, I'm not ugly.
But none of that matters if the lady in the looking glass isn't my friend.
There is this part of me that would violently beat the fuck out of myself if I met myself on the street.
Some days there is a violent self hatred that comes from the notion that I am not accepting and loving of myself every moment.
There are times I think I'm awesome. Today isn't one of them.
There are times I feel like I'm still pretty fit for an injured person. Today is not one of them.
At least I found out that therapy is covered under my insurance plan.
It's clear I could really use it.
But right now because it started with a work EAP situation, it is geared towards getting my limitations (physically) across to my boss. I have not brought up any of these stupid self-sabotaging attitudes.
I don't like to admit that they exist. But you cannot ignore what lives inside of you.
What am I supposed to do here? What am I supposed to accomplish?
Am I supposed to be that stupid fucker that sits on her ass for the rest of her life?
Honestly, none of that matters.
When I hang out with people and try and get them to understand my past - I really relive it and end up in that same depressed place I used to be. How dumb. I should stop trying to be something I was and be what I am today. Plain, average, and injured. On the mend. (Although tons better than I was!!!)
What matters is right now, it is the only thing I have.
-Angela
