:( I'm really sorry. I remember how you had reservations about her and their relationship from the start, and how sad to hear they seem to be justified.
I wonder if when you said "you thought of him" when you read that, maybe the medium (email) prevented the message from coming across as just that--it made you wonder, not you thought that was for certain what was going on. In any case, IMNSHO I think her reading his email is a huge red flag and super creepy--I am very, very close to my guys and we share just about everything with each other but we don't read each other's email without explicit permission.
If I were in an abusive situation, I would want someone to tell me, even if I got angry and didn't want to hear it. It would at least plant the seed and maybe I'd start thinking about it which would lead to me waking up and addressing it. But people choose to stay in abusive relationships, and certainly in less than perfect relationships, for lots of complicated and not *necessarily* bad reasons. Without being in the relationship you can't, as you say, know what's really going on. The fact that she seems to be trying to prevent anyone else from finding out is, to me, another classic sign of a potential abuser, since abusers make a concerted effort to cut off their partners from people in their lives who might suggest to them that there's a problem and offer them support in solving it.
But alas, as with substance addiction, people in that place often have to reach an extremely low place (as violindaine says) before they are willing to look at the situation honestly and realize there is in fact a problem and they need help or out or both. Here's hoping that in the long run, if your suspicions about their relationship are true, that your brother does realize and take appropriate steps toward his own happiness.
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2009-12-28 03:57 am (UTC)I wonder if when you said "you thought of him" when you read that, maybe the medium (email) prevented the message from coming across as just that--it made you wonder, not you thought that was for certain what was going on. In any case, IMNSHO I think her reading his email is a huge red flag and super creepy--I am very, very close to my guys and we share just about everything with each other but we don't read each other's email without explicit permission.
If I were in an abusive situation, I would want someone to tell me, even if I got angry and didn't want to hear it. It would at least plant the seed and maybe I'd start thinking about it which would lead to me waking up and addressing it. But people choose to stay in abusive relationships, and certainly in less than perfect relationships, for lots of complicated and not *necessarily* bad reasons. Without being in the relationship you can't, as you say, know what's really going on. The fact that she seems to be trying to prevent anyone else from finding out is, to me, another classic sign of a potential abuser, since abusers make a concerted effort to cut off their partners from people in their lives who might suggest to them that there's a problem and offer them support in solving it.
But alas, as with substance addiction, people in that place often have to reach an extremely low place (as violindaine says) before they are willing to look at the situation honestly and realize there is in fact a problem and they need help or out or both. Here's hoping that in the long run, if your suspicions about their relationship are true, that your brother does realize and take appropriate steps toward his own happiness.
(((hugs)))