Some rambles for historical noting
Jun. 26th, 2011 03:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakMy brain is being taken over by planning my huge ordeal that will be coming. I'm fortunate to have a great Mom - who understands what this is - and understands all the rough parts and is good at reminding me that it's okay, that I can do it - and that I will just take it as it comes.
I'm beginning to really get the first few paragraphs memorized of my 42 page dialogue; verbatim. It's going to be okay, I'm anxious that I won't be able to get enough of it before I leave for training in late September, but I also know that I will do my best. I shouldn't over think how hard it will be, how stressful it will be, how tired I will be, or any of those things. I just need to take it one day at a time, one paragraph at a time, and take my classes at home one class at a time.
In my yoga classes lately I've been struggling mentally. IE:
"You're a failure. You're not good enough for this. Who ever thought you were smart enough to memorize this stuff? You'll wuss out in the first week of 12 classes..." etc.
It's hard to look at myself in the mirror and realize these issues are things I will have to overcome as I grow between now and the end of November. But maybe this is a part of it, that it will be the biggest, best thing I've done for myself. I often hear teachers who went through training say it was "The best money they ever spent."
The exciting parts are fun to imagine: Living in California and having it not be cold as HECK in October... getting away from my office for the first time in 9 years and doing something not IT related. Living, thinking, breathing something ELSE for a change.
I realize I should chillax and begin to really embrace and enjoy this process, as a process, as an experience that I will be doing without regret. I would regret never progressing. Let me break this down: I've been trying to see something like this happen in my life since mid 2007. When I first dropped the weight, part of the driving force was trying to enter academy. I succeeded in dropping the weight but felt I failed to progress the other side. Well, it's been a few more years and I felt like nothing was coming through for me. And now suddenly everything is shifting and it's BEAUTIFUL! But I realized... wow, I'm almost inside, saying I'm not worthy of all this (which is BS, I know it logically) and that I'm terrified of succeeding now that the chance is before me, and that nothing is standing between me and where I want to go.
I've never been in a place like that. Usually I have taken things one step at a time and let them work themselves out. And that is happening. But this time my brain is sort of freaking out even though I know that one way or the other, I will find a way to succeed. Why do I not think I'm gorgeous and capable and talented? I think within this process is the real opportunity to let reality align with what I see through my eyes finally. Besides, I'm a huge HUGE fan of networking. So this ... is just about the best thing I could do.
Interestingly, there are still people who don't really *get* the ordeal... told one of my friends who has been my best friend since 5th grade about it today. She barely even responded as if it were a big deal. I guess I was expecting her to see my excitement about it... but I don't think there was a good way to explain it to her.
I also need to get my head in the game so I can really start blasting some dialogue into my brain... 42 pages is no joke. I don't really want to go to training with just the first one done, but that is my first goal. I also think I should throw a couple of other workouts into my mix so it's not all yoga. I ordered a couple of new yoga shorts today because I will need 12 outfits total as per other teachers have advised to have enough outfits for a week worth as people rarely have time to do laundry more than once a week.
That means I need 12 bottoms and 12 tops. (1 week of classes).
That is how busy folks are...
SO that puts me up to 5 really nice shorts and I can buy cheap tops because my boobs aren't big (thank gods!!!) and the part that matters to me being the most comfortable is my butt and thighs cuz they're bigger and it is important they're as comfy as possible ... so I go quality on the bottoms and just any bra top on top (my typical outfits).
I will be mixing in a few less awesome shorts, because I can't afford obviously to buy 12 shakti shorts
See, I guess I do shop. They're spendy but worth EVERY penny.
(The other 3 shorts I bought very incrementally over the last 2 years, and they hold up great).
Anywho. I think I've babbled enough.
My new goal is to get up before work and study my dialogue every week day for 30 mins minimum. I decided that perhaps going for a morning walk with my notecards might be a great way to get a peaceful bit of exercise in, (boost a few cals) and also get a handle on this big chunk of memorization; helping me feel more in control about my ordeal. If I can get as much as I can, I will be more free to enjoy the training experience.
Right now I am fantasizing about studying by the POOL in Cali.
I need to remind myself every chance I get that this is for ME... I should probably be writing all this in my blog and not here... but I've been quiet. ANd now you all know why. Brain running!!!!
Will be doing my best to add in more updates, it's important.
-Angela
I'm beginning to really get the first few paragraphs memorized of my 42 page dialogue; verbatim. It's going to be okay, I'm anxious that I won't be able to get enough of it before I leave for training in late September, but I also know that I will do my best. I shouldn't over think how hard it will be, how stressful it will be, how tired I will be, or any of those things. I just need to take it one day at a time, one paragraph at a time, and take my classes at home one class at a time.
In my yoga classes lately I've been struggling mentally. IE:
"You're a failure. You're not good enough for this. Who ever thought you were smart enough to memorize this stuff? You'll wuss out in the first week of 12 classes..." etc.
It's hard to look at myself in the mirror and realize these issues are things I will have to overcome as I grow between now and the end of November. But maybe this is a part of it, that it will be the biggest, best thing I've done for myself. I often hear teachers who went through training say it was "The best money they ever spent."
The exciting parts are fun to imagine: Living in California and having it not be cold as HECK in October... getting away from my office for the first time in 9 years and doing something not IT related. Living, thinking, breathing something ELSE for a change.
I realize I should chillax and begin to really embrace and enjoy this process, as a process, as an experience that I will be doing without regret. I would regret never progressing. Let me break this down: I've been trying to see something like this happen in my life since mid 2007. When I first dropped the weight, part of the driving force was trying to enter academy. I succeeded in dropping the weight but felt I failed to progress the other side. Well, it's been a few more years and I felt like nothing was coming through for me. And now suddenly everything is shifting and it's BEAUTIFUL! But I realized... wow, I'm almost inside, saying I'm not worthy of all this (which is BS, I know it logically) and that I'm terrified of succeeding now that the chance is before me, and that nothing is standing between me and where I want to go.
I've never been in a place like that. Usually I have taken things one step at a time and let them work themselves out. And that is happening. But this time my brain is sort of freaking out even though I know that one way or the other, I will find a way to succeed. Why do I not think I'm gorgeous and capable and talented? I think within this process is the real opportunity to let reality align with what I see through my eyes finally. Besides, I'm a huge HUGE fan of networking. So this ... is just about the best thing I could do.
Interestingly, there are still people who don't really *get* the ordeal... told one of my friends who has been my best friend since 5th grade about it today. She barely even responded as if it were a big deal. I guess I was expecting her to see my excitement about it... but I don't think there was a good way to explain it to her.
I also need to get my head in the game so I can really start blasting some dialogue into my brain... 42 pages is no joke. I don't really want to go to training with just the first one done, but that is my first goal. I also think I should throw a couple of other workouts into my mix so it's not all yoga. I ordered a couple of new yoga shorts today because I will need 12 outfits total as per other teachers have advised to have enough outfits for a week worth as people rarely have time to do laundry more than once a week.
That means I need 12 bottoms and 12 tops. (1 week of classes).
That is how busy folks are...
SO that puts me up to 5 really nice shorts and I can buy cheap tops because my boobs aren't big (thank gods!!!) and the part that matters to me being the most comfortable is my butt and thighs cuz they're bigger and it is important they're as comfy as possible ... so I go quality on the bottoms and just any bra top on top (my typical outfits).
I will be mixing in a few less awesome shorts, because I can't afford obviously to buy 12 shakti shorts
See, I guess I do shop. They're spendy but worth EVERY penny.
(The other 3 shorts I bought very incrementally over the last 2 years, and they hold up great).
Anywho. I think I've babbled enough.
My new goal is to get up before work and study my dialogue every week day for 30 mins minimum. I decided that perhaps going for a morning walk with my notecards might be a great way to get a peaceful bit of exercise in, (boost a few cals) and also get a handle on this big chunk of memorization; helping me feel more in control about my ordeal. If I can get as much as I can, I will be more free to enjoy the training experience.
Right now I am fantasizing about studying by the POOL in Cali.
I need to remind myself every chance I get that this is for ME... I should probably be writing all this in my blog and not here... but I've been quiet. ANd now you all know why. Brain running!!!!
Will be doing my best to add in more updates, it's important.
-Angela
