![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelakLast night I went to sleep on not so great terms with Steve. We argued and I napped for nearly 2 more hours than my lunchtime 30 minute nap. Then… I got up, and tried to get along with him. Frustrations.
We hung out and got along for about 3 hours. We were doing well before bed. But then he got annoyed at something I said, and took it totally wrong, and we went to sleep at ends. It was a sandwich of bad/good/bad.
*sighs* Please, can we not just get along? What happened to all those affectionate times? Seriously. The times when I felt we had something so very special, and unique? I’d really like to get back there. Sometimes we hit on it, only for it to be shattered by some mis-wording, some technicality, or just all around disagreement. It hurts to be like this, more than I can think of. To know someone so well, to remember so many times when you were at a truly special place, and then to realize that it feels impossible to get back there. I know I’m just whining, and people will get tired of listening to me. Nothing is changing about how I’ve been complaining… I’m not acting on our solutions, therefore people will begin to ignore what troubles me. But this is 4 years in the making…. What do I do? I wrote a long e-mail to Bobby, and he hasn’t had time to respond. I wonder what tidbits of wisdom he may extend to me. *sighs*
Perhaps it’s all poly that brought it about. Perhaps it’s not. I don’t think it is, but I think it was a catalyst to wear on both of us. I don’t regret poly. I feel freed by it, more than ever.
Someone told me last night to “act my age,” and that made me think. So maybe for once in my life I shouldn’t act a decade older than I really am. I need more life experience than that. But I just don’t know.
I don’t want to lose anything with Jon, and at the current time, my brain and heart can’t possibly handle the prospect just yet of throwing what I have with Steve to the fire and letting it burn to ashes. Not yet. Jon encourages me not to give up with Steve. Bless his heart, he is far more trustworthy than Steve ever was. When the tables were turned, and I was with Jon, let’s just say Steve was not nearly as good of a friend in the regard that Jon is being now. Steve was in it to get with me as more than just friends.
He wasn’t even shy about it. Remotely. This makes me think. To me, Jon, by not trying to take me over so he can be my primary, initially shows more trustworthy character. It makes me think twice somehow. If Steve was so trustworthy, then why was he disregarding my involvement with my then-primary boyfriend?
My best friend these days, is patience and time. I’m not going to make ANY sudden moves, one way or the other. If anyone knows me--- this is almost out of character. I FEEL that any sort of sudden move would be a complete mistake, and that I need to sit, wait, and learn, before I make any moves that I might regret. At this point, Steve is a HUGE part of my destiny and future, and anything related to Steve and my living arrangement had better move slow and I had better be ENTIRELY sure of what I want. I will not make moves on whims. For instance, the common current whim for me, is that it would be elysian to live alone, and do whatever the hell I want. That one is a double edged sword. Waking up alone, and not having ANY partnership at home, has two sides. On one sense, it would be ultimate freedom. On the other side, it could also lead to ultimate loneliness. And frankly, I don’t want to put Steve in the position to have move back into his parents’ house--- nor do I want to have to deal with all of our belongings and things that we have come to share. What a nightmare! Not to mention, the emotional ties and plain out hurt that would induce on him. That’d be the epitome of painful for ANYONE. The problem?
I find myself jumping from two states with Steve: Happiness and satisfaction, and complete misery. It’s violently tossing me one way, or the other. It can flip within minutes, which devastates me. As anyone can tell, the cycle is wearing on me, I keep whining about it, and I continually feel confused about it. We set each other off in an instant. We can be the best of friends and the most romantic of lovers, and then turn on each other, and become fang bearing enemies, ready to attack each other verbally, emotionally. It’s not just him, and it’s not just me. It’s a balance of both of us.
He’s been blessed and given me a lot of room in a lot of areas. But only halfway. I know he’s still adjusting. For that matter so am I. Time will tell.
That’s how I feel with Steve. The underlying love and enjoyment and memories hold me to him. Nights like Sunday evening. And the ease that if I really need something, he’s always there for me. Perhaps I’m missing my bet. Perhaps I don’t appreciate the fact that no matter what happens, he’ll hold me through things.
Onto other areas:
I fell into a sleep after our last words were not so loving. The sleep itself felt long and restful, and the whole time, it was loosely, about the rovers all becoming configured perfectly and everything coming together. It was a good dream, that spanned the whole night it felt like. I just dreamt that everything worked just how I wanted it to, and that everything was going to be okay. I’ve been stressing on it a lot… and this dream was a total relief from that stress. I woke up in the morning, ready to tackle my day. Not so insecure about the rover situation. Although it’s intimidating because I have now, less than 3 days…. [a buffer week after this week, but I refuse to use those days as actual time!]
It’s going to okay. The dreams convinced me of it. I can’t explain what was in the dreams or why, but I just know it’ll all work out okay. I still have that driving apprehension, but a little less over the edge.
*sighs* I miss Jon, I want to go be with Steve and have everything click just right, and I want Friday to be here and the profiles to be pulled, the shared officers’ machines deployed, and the rovers and profiles pulled snugly, in all 12 cars. I want OLOTEAS and the calming atmosphere, and I want to hit on SK all day.
Sadly, Jon won’t be there. That’s sad. He may come to the next Olo… but he feels insecure about himself and wants another month to improve himself. *sighs* No one cares about what you look like Jonnie, honest. I just want a day to spend with you, an ENTIRE day. Next month. June Oloteas. If he wants, that is. I’ll beg him every bit as often as I have for this Oloteas, for June.
Steve started pestering me last night and telling me Fires of Lunasaugh was in June. He told me midsummer was in JUNE. Sure, Steve. Whatever.
But jeah. It’ll all be okay. Honest. And I’ll relax. Nobody is going to bring me down Saturday. And Steve won’t be there to babysit me, or guilt trip me when I pay “more attention to my friends that I do him.” How ridiculous. That was his big beef at the Gaia Consort concert.
The good thing is, today, I am feeling absurdly happy. None of the things that have been ailing me, are bothering me. Perhaps it was the extra rest. A lot has to do with those insanely positive dreams last night. And I just feel like I can handle the world today.
Though, this morning I had a brief visit with BH, one of the detectives. I was waiting for debriefing to end, for the officers’ so I could talk to BP, the Sergeant on duty to get his laptop [to pull an image from ghost to make my life 100% easier…I HOPE!]…
And so I was just talking to BH. He’s the one who is always slightly touchy. He makes me just as nervous as any of the detectives. Perhaps I’m just paranoid. Whatever. He’s also the one who shows me gross pictures and talks about drugs all the time. He flirts, harmlessly, and I think he’s arrogantly taken to the idea that if he treats women like this, they’ll be more partial to him. But I caught on, once he invaded my work shielding. I was like, “whoa… he’s totally pushing against my shields!” at first. The only 1 of the 4 detectives we have who doesn’t push against my shields is BJ. I find Chris and the albino, along with BH, both make me wonder.
This morning I was talking to him. I notice as many subtle details about these professional interrogators that I can. For instance, the brief instant I idly clicked my shoes together and he took a split second to glance, and look me up and down. Perhaps anyone else may not notice these things, but I did. I’m a fiddler, and though any rate, I always find something to do, rather than stand still.
I wonder what his overall assessment of me really is. Absurd detectives. I obsess over the small details regarding them. BH and his touchiness…. CW with his sarcastic manipulative ways…
What I find most amusing, is Julie is CLEARLY totally taken to his flirtatious ways. I’ve watched. It amuses me. So simple, a little flattery and manipulative body language, and you can make some people eat out of your hand. Like Julie. “oh Brian…” with her big beaming smile and insane 45 year old giggling. How fucking amusing can it get? Too bad it doesn’t work with me.
-Angela
