Feeling a little weird today. Restless this whole week. Things definitely feel out of sorts. I don’t feel like cleaning my house anymore. That’s unusual for me, I know maybe it’s usual for some people – but not for me. I don’t feel like getting to my requests at work – but I’ve been doing it anyway. I’ve got to clean up stuff before I leave. I’m now sitting at 3 days, and I don’t know if my brain can handle this.
This morning was weird in and of itself. Went to take the dogs out on leash, half paranoid of the crap that would soon be shooting out of Fritz because the 2 dogs both have the runs for gods’knows’what reason… I’m very unhappy about this. I didn’t get around to getting a yam and feeding it to them yesterday… this better go away or Jim is going to have a rough time, especially considering we have a house guest. “Welcome to our house – oh yeah, the fact that the dog couldn’t make it down from floor #3 with his runs, we’re sorry for the shit smell.”

:(

I’m sure I was bound to get restless and start to feel a little crazy prior to this. I know I’ll be fine, that I’m “ready,” (who the fuck knows what ready is, you know?) How can anyone ever be ready for the unknown ;) The virgo side wants to take over and figure out reality before it even manifests itself. Maybe taking the time off from yoga was a bad idea… it usually mitigates my crazy. A good run maybe tonight and I can relax. I think it’s the only way I know how to relax: working out. Some folks need video games to zone out. Some people need recreational substance… some need a good book… (that works for me too, but that is besides the point). Me, I just need to move. Or, paradoxically, in yoga… not move. Or something.

Anyways, I was taking my dogs out and from around that same damn corner of the building near the alley (there’s always a blind spot around the end of the building) strolls a dog on a leash, but pulling his leash behind him. My dogs are doing their thing, I’m holding 2 leashes and juggling it as per usual morning business in our courtyard. Amber starts barking, but the other dog really only sees Fritz for some reason. Dog decides to start lunging towards Fritz with his hackles raised. I’m feeling ready to beat the shit out of the next dog that tries to bite mine. Because that cost us $600 last time, and is generally evil when regarding a dog in pain. Which was only 2 months ago. The owner is obviously from our building apologizes. As per usual – I’m a fucking space cadet and say “yeah no worries man.”

I guess we could say I’m still a little shell shocked from last time. Particularly that he just healed from that. High density housing is beginning to grate on me this morning. I hate your fucking huge SUV cars. Fuck your baby on board stickers. Screw your big burly dogs that like to use mine as beef jerky.
I can say we do have 2 very nice next door neighbors who never give us trouble. Mike and Christina are super Christian and have one very well behaved son. I really like their little family. Mike is as nice as I could wish for in a neighbor, and he resembles me in one quality: He’s VERY observant and nosy. I’m frankly wondering if they’ll think me and Jim split after I’m gone a few weeks ;)

The other neighbors are Hispanic and hardly ever talk to us but usually are full of smiles. They have 2 little girls and never give us any problems either.

I’m digressing.
Just not sure where my head is. Was kinda spacy feeling even last night at bowling. I think I got tired faster than usual. My reserve of bouncy energy was elsewhere. No big deal – I guess adrenaline runs high in the first week at TT.
Mildly tired of my co workers at the Quah assuming I can teach yoga here for a wellness event…
No, guys. No. Come to a Bikram studio, or no. I have chosen the Bikram path, and that path came with a 12 page contract about how I will use my certification. Therefore, no. Really, the Bikram path chose me. I understand there are other forms, and I’m not quite as cultlike as some regarding bashing other forms – I think all yoga has its value. But my path is this one. For whatever reason.
I guess I’d rather be off of work and not here dealing with… well, the same thing I’ve dealt with for 10 years. Reminding myself right now: I.Am.on.The.Threshold of renewed energy for life because I am literally walking out the door on Friday afternoon and not coming back for over two months. Impressive.

In other news, I need to lay off the Nutella. That’s probably not going to help my early training visual in the mirror if I should get lucky enough to be up front. Then again, I’m at a point: who the fuck cares anymore? I need a run bad. But right now I am just lounging back all dumb like in my office chair. I don’t feel like a yogini – I feel like a sloth like fool.
Barry comes in tonight. Well, at 3 PM…
I bet he will make me feel better. He’s just like Jim in the way that he is full of smiles and laughter and usually it’s a stress alleviator.

Anyways. Trying to remind myself it’s all about the entire journey. There’s no reason to get stressed about the experience itself, but I just feel like I’m in the tail end of gray area. That holding pattern that sort of circled me around for like 4 years… well, I’m getting instructions from ground control and they’re telling me when to land, and which run way to take. I’m in one part shock that I’m landing somewhere finally.

But it’s going to be straight to a roller coaster ride, or so I hear. *shrugs* Mantra for my future today: Don’t make it a big deal. Any of it. Sometimes I feel like a ridiculous child always making a huge deal over everything. Over thinking everything. Over everythinging. Also freaks me out that I’m young and have a myriad of blind spots… what stupid shit comes out of my mouth that I am too naive to know is telling in my life inexperience?

This is what goes through my head. But maybe I should try to STFU and let go and just let the next couple of days pass. I mean, after all. 3 days. I just want to be in LA already. I’m there. I’m at the point where I’m starting to get sick of waiting. I don’t care how little of dialogue I know. I’m tired of being distracted. Tired of not knowing what it’s going to be like being tired. Yes, read that one twice.

Staying power for patience is here. Actually I’m kinda lounging back and pretending that this is all bothering me. I love my freezing office here.

In other great news, I was able to craft my 5 gallon water filter with my Dad last night. It’s awesome. While I didn’t want to have to ship anything else, this is a must item. Rather than buy a small Brita filter pitcher… one of my fellow students created a bucket system where you use 3 filters in the bottom of a bucket and it filters three times as fast, more water. His was only a 2 gallon. Mine is actually bigger… but I will only need to fill my filter once every few days, so this might really be rad. Today I’ll FedEx it to the hotel and it will be waiting for me, just in time for Monday night. My roommate will either think I’m amazing, or crazy, as I’m using the bath-tub to fill up my 5 gallon bucket of filtered water.

One last thing… I’ll miss music while I’m away. I don’t think I will spend a lot of time with tunes. In my every day life, I listen to a lot of music……. Right now my new discovery: Ellie Goulding, “Lights.”

Unless of course I listen to it on Sunday runs, if I should decide to do that. Of course, Darci from Issaquah was mentioning maybe we’d do that together on Sundays. I’ve never had a real running partner… will I ditch my ipod and socialize for that? How does that work? :P
If I decide to still go for a run at all on Sundays. It might just be over my level of crazy. We’ll see. I’ll keep you all posted.

Oh, and to the fleas that my dogs picked up in the last 2 weeks. Fuck you. Fuck you for biting the hell out of me. I’ve treated them with FrontLine. Shouldn’t this end? I hate bites.
I think I just read some stuff on the TT FB page. This grey area may be entirely normal.
I’m already beginning to freeze at my desk. This is making me despise this place today.
But in other news: Life’s good. I’m stoked. I cannot wait for … well, all of it.

There's one thing about my blogging style. It expresses just how much I hate secrets and pretenses. You want real? I got it. I hope my fellow yogis and yoginis can handle my style of real.

Annnnd. My boss is nudging me for the personal folders copying. I'm sorry - I really just don't give a shit. I've been copying files for 3 months now. If I don't get to them all - guess what? I'm leaving anyway. Did I say that? O. I said that.

-Angela

As January draws to a close, I can say I've had some progress in life. The first two weeks were memorable: mercury in retrograde - mars in retrograde. The New Year was particularly uneventful this year. First time since I've been an adult that I really had no plans.

I set up some goals and began working on them immediately. It had little to do with the New Year - but it coincided. Mercury went direct and things started to spin up quick. I took my self defense class and now have a set of skills I feel pretty comfortable with.

Last week sort of dragged out! lol. Still working hard. Notably, late last week I tested my knees by going for a walk straight out my doorstep; which is to say, a lot of slope. This was successful for me. That's notable. I've been really bad about chiropractic this month. Ever since the week of the 25th - in December, I've not stepped foot in my chiro's office. Although my back is feeling great, I'd like to get back in there. Tomorrow.

Last weekend I went to the Yoga party, which was fun.
I went out with Grandma and Mom, and then relaxed a lot with Jim on Sunday/Monday. I did a double yoga class on Monday which was good. I skipped Yoga Tuesday and went for a walk. Today I went for a 4.5 mile run on gravel. This was a test. I've stuck to pavement, gravel is a totally different thing for the knees. In case you were wondering. My knees feel a little differently sensitive - but the real test will be how it feels tomorrow after I rest for the evening. I also plan to hit the 1830 yoga class and then come home.

Jim has met a girl spontaneously. Met her at Denny's where his work crew hangs. He went to meet one of the guys, and another guy was there with his gf and gf's best friend (the girl Jim met, the best friend).

There might be a chance for a nice casual relationship in this. Here's to hoping! They are both interested and hit it off well - but neither of them have tons of time or inclination to be "serious," if you will.

We'll see where it goes :)
Looking forward to it.

In other news... just closing out some requests here at work trying to finally catch up.
Good news? I'm back in my size 7 pre-med leave jeans again at last. This is a relief. Now only 1 more size to be at my final goal. Weight wise I'm unsure atm, but I am happy to have more pairs of suitable comfy, fit-great jeans to wear. I can travel the rest of my shape shifting journey a little less poopy faced. My hips are returning to something I recognize again.

:D
I am also enjoying more freedom with my knees. Still proceeding with caution - but this is just preventative to ensure I can still continue to heal more and more every month.

-Angela

And then there was this one time, I thought about how I have a fantastic boyfriend, a great home, wonderful dogs, and means to get the things I want.

I also realized I have ambitions that scare the shit out of me as well...
And goals to work towards.

These are all good things. Even the ambitions that whisper in the background of my life. It's okay to take your time and get used to ideas... change is not all about jumping in immediately. Sometimes the soul needs time to process things.

So here goes. My goal for 2008 is to be stronger than I have become in 2007.
Can't be too hard! Right?!
lol.

Here goes the journey!

-Angela

( The Juicy Stuff. Delve in. )

-Angela

Happy Solstice.


I realize it was yesterday, but honestly. I was not at my keyboard.

Welcome winter and the return of light.
The sun begins waxing and so does our lives.
As always, I begin making goals and pathways for my future on Solstice night.


May your pathways to the future and your goals take you where you need to go in 2007 as the sun grows brighter and your potential explodes like a vibrant star itself.

"Every man and every woman is a star."

( Motivational. )

Anyhow. Mom is online and I am chatting with her so my useless dribble comes to a temporary end.

-Angela

Alas, I've drummed up some guidelines that I should be working towards.

I feel good about the one that scared me the most my whole life: Running.
I beat that mental road block and I feel confident that I can run. My entire life I said I couldn't run!
Now I'm sad I didn't look at PE as a kid more of an opportunity, rather than torture. I am afraid that I had a case of "family mimick." What do I mean? My siblings hated it. My greater relatives, aunts and grandparents talked down Physical training type things. So I was just parroting family a lot. Just like when I was a kid and everyone but Dad hated teriyaki. I said I hated it too, until I tried it not knowing what it was and really loved it. Same type situation.


So, alongside with swimming and running - I honestly need to add situps and pushups to my exercise regimin. This is going to be difficult. I'm not sure how to do pushups properly, after all.

Anyone out there good at the basics of these things? I need to start working my way up to some decent numbers on pushups and situps within the next year. I have about a year to build endurance with these things and as long as I keep to my goals, I think I'll be fantastic by the time I might *possibly* need to be tested for fitness levels.

I think chinchillagirl may be a good resource on the proper mechanics. I skipped out (went to LWTC and got my fitness creds waived) for most of my adolesence. I need help now. If there are any volunteers who are unjudgemental, do not intend to have a superiority complex, and would like to help me out - please let me know! It would mean the world to me.

Zomgs. I've decided. A second time. I'm going to go for. *It*.

Hah! And if I don't make it - I always have IT to fall back on, after all. The WORST that could happen is that my fitness levels increase, and I become a sexier, more athletic version of the current me! It's going to be hard though. To get there, but I am totally willing to put my efforts into this. I think it will do wonders for my life motivation.
I'm excited.
More of my spare time needs to go towards situps, pushups, and running. If I can tackle running... I can tackle the other two. And I have plenty of time to begin work with this. No rush.

Here goes, universe.

-Angela

PS. Which icon do you like better, the one in the post before this, or this one? :P

I think I refer too much to my past sometimes.
Not trying to block anything out - however.
A new goal I intend to work on, is very much going to prove to be a challenge.
Although, we all know I am no stranger to facing challenges head on.

I Will commit to myself (as a sacrafice for Samhain) that I learn to do the following.

Focus on the future. The here and now, and the not yesterday.
I think this would benefit me much.
So mote it be!

-Angela

( Just a few things: )

OH - and:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

-Angela

( Wouldn't you like to know??? Muahaha. )

-Angela

My horoscope told me today:

"Making adjustments until you find exactly the right fit is a key step to finding lasting success. Achievement is a process, not a destination. Make sure you take advantage of all the opportunities coming your way."

I honestly should listen. I have this terrible habit of only wanting the be at the destination. I am not as process oriented as some folks I know. I had discussions about this with Khaya. I am completely results oriented. He's very process oriented. I envy those, a lot of times who are process oriented. Because I get so preoccupied with finishing, that things can suffer for it. In spite of the fact I have some really great producivity at times because I want results, and I want them NOW.

-Angela