Eeeevviillll

[angelak]

Steve came over last night.
I missed him. Figured we could chill.
Seems he spilled all of his feelings to me. Or a great many of them.
It's hard to go through this. I know it won't be easy...

I know that this something he needs to go through so that he can learn. It seems it's going to push him to do all the things that he's needed to do. This is good. I feel sad that it took my departure to bring this upon him.

He has career ambition; and he says he plans on exploring poly on his own. That's good. But it won't be summoning me back to him.

Though it's hard not to have an inkling of "what if," I know that aside from all the hurt of moving the things out; I'll grow from this.

Last night was rough on me. It was also the first time that he wasn't harrassing me; so I didn't build up as much of a wall to harbor my emotions behind.

He acknowledged a bunch of things that were the cause of my decision as being "dumb," and "wrong." That's right. He did fuck up.

But it wasn't just him fucking up. We fucked up.

And that's okay. I just hope he doesn't hold out thinking I'll come running back. I still have a ton of emotions regarding everything. I'm scared for the moving out of all his belongings. They'll be eventually get the shed, the storage unit in the side room, and of course the bedroom items will probably go this weekend. [Alongside the flatscreen, :X someday I will have to get one of my own.]

Anyway. Class begins again.

-Angela

Comments

[herongrrrl.livejournal.com]

It seems it's going to push him to do all the things that he's needed to do. This is good. I feel sad that it took my departure to bring this upon him.

So often the case with a breakup. I admire the grace with which you are handling this! (And maybe it doesn't feel much like grace from where you sit, but I can only imagine what an enormous mess I would be making of it in the same situation.)

[netharos.livejournal.com]

I am very impressed by the attitude you are taking about everything--I also think you're absolutely correct. Stick to your guns, which are very good ones from what I've read, and you will certainly grow from it.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

I know that this something he needs to go through so that he can learn. It seems it's going to push him to do all the things that he's needed to do. This is good. I feel sad that it took my departure to bring this upon him.

Sometimes change is needed. As much as it hurts...sometimes it's neccessary.

Good to hear that it sounds like you're hanging in there. :)

[aroidan.livejournal.com]

I hope you will respond to this. For one you shouldn't feel sad that it took your departure. Mainly because it wasn't your departure that made me realize some of my career goals. Or atleast has given me the drive to work on it again. I just needed a break from school and working on my career goals. I was always planning on getting back to working on my career goals.

Believe me the "What ifs" have been running through my head over and over again. The other thing that went through my head was all the "Whys?". Why did I do so many of the things I did. You are right that this is forcing me to grow. I do need this to a certain extent.

I do not need this to be perminant by any means though. I am not holding out that you will come running back to me. Infact I rather suspect you won't. Atleast not yet :) I still hold out hope for us. I won't lie about that, I won't tell you that I don't wish we could be together right now and that this whole last week never happened. Well actually even that is only a half truth. I don't know if there was going to be any other way for me to reach the conclusions that I have now.

Some things you have to go through in order to learn. In order to realize what you really had. I took so many things for granted and I am sure you may be having the same realizations.

Right now I would be lying if I said I did not want to pursue a romantic relationship with you at all. My heart says to pursue it but I let my heart rule on thursday and friday morning and it did no good. Now my mind has more control over the matter. While it would make me feel overjoyed to be with again I can not try and force myself upon you like my heart wants me to.

Last night after pouring out all of my feelings for you and the situation over the last six months and seeing your reaction. My heart told me to hold you and kiss you. And while I did hold you I knew that kissing you would only serve to hurt the friendship that I was trying to get back.

After telling you everything I could think of at the time my mind got really confused. I wasn't expecting you to react the way you did, hell, I wasn't expecting to open up like that in the first place. I could read your body so very well but trying to figure out what I should do as a friend and not a lover was difficult. I haven't had to ever figure that out. I have never had a friend on the level that we shared.

Now the question is do I tell you what I was thinking about after I left or not. I do not want to come off as me trying to pursue you in the slightest because that would only hurt the friendship I want to build now. But you have never been one that I could hide anything from, even if I knew I shouldn't tell you I couldn't do it. So I guess I am going to continue with the honesty is the best policy and just be as open as I can.

When I left your place I started thinking about what the hell went on there. My mind was confused, I was expecting you to not show that you were vulnerable in the slightest. But rather to give me that cold shoulder that you kind of started out with that evening and the rest of the week. When you let down this guard, I got the greatest sense of the turmoil running inside of you. A fight between part of you wanting to have me back, because you miss me and you love me, and your stubborness to stand by your current course.

(hit the length limit on the response)

[aroidan.livejournal.com]

(Here is the rest)

I don't know if that was right but that is how I was reading it. So there are some things I want you to know if that is the case. Don't ever think that by letting me back into your life romantically is going to make me feel like I have some sort of power over you or that you are week. It takes a strong person to have taken things this far. Don't be afraid of what other people may think, this is your life. Don't let your brain make the decision or your heart, they both need to otherwise neither will be happy.

Now this is going to be my only plug for if we should get back together. I am not trying to pressure you by anymeans and I am not really trying to pursue that right now. But if we did get back together you should know that I would be entirely different then what I have been over the past 9 months or so. Many of my fears have now died. I am quite a different person then I thought I was. My needs have changed. My needs are far less then what I thought.

At anyrate my dad is starting to bug me a bit. Falling back into that parenting role I suppose grrr. More crap that I don't need to deal with right now. Anyway I hope we can get together on saturday after you go Ice Skating, hell I would even be willing to go Ice Skating and embarass the crap out of my self if you would have me, although I don't know what time you were planning on going. I think we need to talk some more once you have dealt with some more of the issues. Give me a call or send me an email or just respond to this to let me know what is up. I hope to hear from you soon, I love hearing your voice. Just one of those things I never really thought I would miss as much as I do.

Love ya,

-Steve