So. Frustrating.

[angelak]

On January 7th, I asked Steve not to "message me, e-mail me, or have any contact online or otherwise in person."

Not only then; but several requests since September. I unblocked his comments, merely to see if he could actually respect my wishes without me forcing it on him. Okay, it was a stupid test to see if he actually WOULD leave me alone. Why? Because I had wanted to see if it was worth salvaging a friendship for. I had concluded that perhaps had he resisted the urge to drop any line, that perhaps he'd be over me enough so that we might maintain some sort of mutual friendship. Not just him PUSHING it on me.

Maybe this whole logic is flawed; I don't know. What I do know is that I needed space to really process and establish myself, without the pressure from the ex.

Especially Steve. He’s rather pushy and he has tendencies to project... if to say the least, use his emotions to manipulate. I don’t care what he says about the fact he’s “not manipulating,” me... the truth is, I’ve caught on to that. Whether he is aware of it or not, he does have a tendency towards that.

This was part of what made me so miserable in our relationship after a point. I was no longer freely making decisions about where my life was to be going. It was a guilt-issue with lots of complaints from Steve—especially in regards to my spiritual path. Which—I could no longer take after a point. I realized that I was no longer free and able to grow as I would.

Digressing....

Today, or yesterday... he posts a comment on my live journal. Could I have been any more clear?
Where did I go wrong with my statement...

DO NOT CONTACT ME.
He doesn’t get it. It makes me ultimately sad that I can’t trust him to respect my wishes. Even in the most EXPLICIT terms.

I wasn’t nice about it.
I’ve been nice and it’s not working. So I had got a little harsher about it.

And now? Gah. It just seems that he really DOES want to push me away to the point where I won’t ever talk to him again.

Lianna... if you’re reading: What the hell do I do with the fact that he blatantly disregards me???

Does he think it will gain my eager-friendship by doing the opposite of what I’m asking?

By his actions, he is separating himself from me more than he knows.
Anyway.


That’s my rant for the day.
And I leave that behind to celebrate Khaya’s birthday in peace. Yeay.

-Angela

Comments

[herongrrrl.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...maybe a RESTRAINING ORDER would make it clear that really, no shit, you don't want to hear from him? Just a thought...

Yeah

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

My mom suggested it if he kept being really REALLY obnoxious about it.
But luckily he did tone it down to just a few dumb e-mails or a post here or there.

But yeah. No shit. I think I've made it clear...
And by the way. I feel Stephanie dep! I haven't seen you in some time and I'd like to mention that I miss you! Strangely as it may seem. *hugs* from afar.

-Angela

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

I think he's made a couple points pretty clear, both while you were dating and now that you're not together any more.

--He isn't concerned about what you want and need.
--He isn't willing to admit to himself that he isn't concerned about what you want and need.

As long as he isn't being stalkerish, I think the best thing for your own sanity will be to ignore him. Actively ignore him, both in your mental processes and in your actions. It takes practice, but it should end up feeling a lot more healthy than focusing on being pissed at him all the time.

Of course, if he does get stalkerish, then slap his ass with a restraining order. There's no excuse for behavior like that at all.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you just have to be harsh with the person. Not something you really want to do, but sometimes it takes that to get through to the person.

Can you and he still be friends? That's a tough question, especially seeing how everything has gone since the break-up. At this point I'm gonna say no.

He might not be able to help how he feels, but that means he needs to stay away. For both of your's sake.

*hugs*

Yeah.

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

It's not that I'm pissed off at him.
It's that I'd rather things proceed more positive.
What does that mean?
I'd hoped I could trust him for a friendship.

That's what's behind the annoyance. It feels impossible.
I had never intended on cutting him out of my life. But with the way he's been acting, it's like I can't not.
Yeah.
But I agree and appreciate your words. And no, there's no excuse for that behavior. Luckily he's laid off and is no longer acting stalkerish.

-Angela

Yeah.

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

That's the realization that is dawning on me.
And again--- the cause for annoyance.
I really wanted to give friendship a try; but the way he's acted points to the fact I have to cut it off.

That's not as easy as remaining friends. But again.
He doesn't make remaining friends an option at this point.

-Angela

Re: Yeah.

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

Setting boundaries and then having to enforce them because the person you set them with doesn't believe you, or keeps pushing them, always sucks. :-/ Good for you for being willing and able to do it though--I wish that I had learned that lesson when I was your age!

It does sound like he just isn't willing to do what it takes to have a friendship with you right now, and that's too bad. Maybe at some point in the future he'll figure out that real friendship requires respect.

Re: Yeah.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

Sometimes it can't be helped. While I like to think of myself as a compassionate person, there are times when being direct and blunt is better than hand-holding.

Re: Yeah.

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Silly.
I've already been direct and blunt.

:D

-Angela

Re: Yeah.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

True. `^_^

Then sometimes you just have to be outright mean.

[centeruniverse.livejournal.com]

I think it's time to just give up on him. Don't try to make him into a friend, don't wait for him to change, don't give him chances to contact you, just...break away. If you want to try again after a few months, that's your perrogative, but it seems like he needs a good chunk of absolute no-contact time to even realize that he's not going to get what he wants from you.

Then again, I don't know everything about the situation and this is just my advice anyway.

Re: Yeah

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That’s what I mean. I was going to consider one if he had continued in suit with how he was in the beginning of our break-up. But I know that once he limited it to the internet; it wasn’t going to be on my agenda of “things to do.”
I mean, really. It would take a lot a LOTTTT to push me towards that kind of decision.

Steve was never quite that bad. [Not bad enough to go to the courts—not by FAR.]
Steve was my HS bf, and it was of 4 years. Trippy.
No, he was never abusive. And probably never will be. He’s a good guy overall.
The relationship wasn’t healthy. In the end.
But there was a lot of very valuable and good things that came of it. It’s not like everyone projects. We started with a good strong friendship and progressed. But I changed a lot. And he didn’t change nearly as much. Shifting occurred. In the process of this, he saw the changes and seemed threatened by them. This spawned some not so fun behavior.

When I realized it, after much effort trying to salvage everything and keep it alive and going—I realized I didn’t even want that anymore. He’s persuasive. I’m a push over.

It took a long time to gather up the wits. But; I am his first. And he was set on marrying me.
In the end...
I know that it’s risky business, but at this point I think the slate needs to be wiped a little clean. It’s been about 5 months and... well. Sorting stuff out does take time.

He has finally reacted in a better way.
We’ll see where it goes from here.
I miss you; hope things are going well over there.

-Angela