angelak | Arbitrary Rambling. Tread with caution.

So here it begins. A post with a mind of it's own. A completely obscure letter, with no real intent. Like so many times in my life; have I filled screen-full by screen-full... sheet by sheet. Or I could leave it short. But that was never my style. Throughout, it was not. Sometimes I’d say I wasn’t going to write much. But that was a misguidance, in and of itself. When I think onto the things I say and the stories I tell... what few I have. I wonder. What compels me? That of the stream of consciousness that exerts itself from within my brain. I’m not so sure. Why aren’t more people like that? So many people find more solace in only saying things of deeper meaning.

Again. Much of my discussion is quite arbitrary. There is no point, there is no real message being sent. Except that perhaps my perception of situations may be transferred to someone else. Just like speaking out when I am angry, or frustrated, or even hurt. It’s the same concept. That perhaps someone might encounter my perception. Like a justification on it’s own rite, for my emotion. The words clarify my emotions, but not within. Because it’s within that I cannot understand quite what it is that is within me. And I am hardly into having out loud discussions with myself.

Really.

The coffee. It’s good.
The office. It’s the same.

Changing directions, we reach a different area. Of the many things I’d like to accomplish. Each individual thing fulfilling in it’s own rite. Energy and time consuming also. So what does that amount to? A crossroads. Written goals that must be taken and accomplished not necessarily all at once, but across the time in one’s life. There cannot be happiness when saddled with ALL of one’s personal goals at once. A great many, perhaps.

Ultimately, one step at a time.
And my perception of time passing is of it’s own wisdom. I am impatient. As if I am awaiting every year to be behind me. Some say that’s an affliction of the young. Quite possibly.

When I think about it in a logical way, I realize it’s almost foolish to be impatient about the passing of time. Because every moment has it’s own complete-ness. Every moment has it’s own significance. Each moment presents us with a new beginning--- and every part of life has a benefit and advantage. Enjoying the moment is much better. Though I can’t seem satisfied to enjoy the moment all the time. Most times I’m just looking ahead. Other times I’m just looking behind.

And there was a time when I wondered where I’d be right now. The dawn of pivotal and productive moments in my life. I am no longer in limbo with the universe about parts of my purpose and Will. And yet I am.

I was satisfied with my position for a brief amount of time. A glimpse in time. Only to realize the stagnant flow of my responsibility. The truth is; I’m no longer living in the moment once again. I’m now looking forward. “What are my next steps? What am I working for?” As I’ve already reached a point of accomplishment that had been my dire goals for so long. I have each of those things I have thus far set out to obtain. Things I have done, and not been handed.

A car.
A degree.
A job.
A dwelling.
A path.

But there is, in fact, so much more that I struggle to accomplish in conjunction with these things.

Fitness.
More education.
My path.
My relationships
My family.
My job.
Integrating with my community.
Leadership.
Sharing my knowledge.
Life lessons.

Those that I feel can never end.
Works forever in progress.
Each takes itself in many forms.
But my simple goal was--- as some are aware, simply, to sustain myself. To pay my bills and live. With hopes of being comfortable, and not necessarily worrying every step of the way. More or less.

And of the obligations, and goals...
Yes. And everyone has these.
There is no thing that I believe any one person can be entirely self-righteous when claiming, “but you don’t understand. You just don’t have it like I do.” Or, “you’ve never felt this way before.”

That one, I think, is a common misguidance that the human race falls victim to. There are many, many examples of how I’ve been told this, in varying forms, in relation to varying things. And times I know I’ve done the same to others, assuming and making false accusations.

There is not one of us exempt from these very human tendencies. Though; being aware of them is half the battle.
And the next time you say to someone, “you just don’t understand, you’ve never been through this,” realize... you have not walked their shoes. You don’t necessarily know. Some people *do* and *have* been through it. The same people won’t advertise ALL the things they’ve been through; as not everyone does. And yet, on this same school of thought, some do-- very much so.

That’s yet one more issue.
Advertising. We all do it in some form or regard. And we ask ourselves why we do these things? What is the purpose, driving line, the point?

I’ve no clue. But I do know moderation is definitely of essence here. For over advertisement becomes a nuisance to all those around us. Constantly mentioning our trials and tribulations as though each and every one is the biggest, most important, difficult, dramatic, most unique, or even most cool. That’s a tiring thing to encounter from anybody for too long.

The biggest thing is truly listening to oneself. What is it your demeanor projects? What habitual subjects are you constantly mentioning? What do they mean? What potential outcome is there of these subjects, topics, tidbits?

If you listen to yourself for a few days, you may see a trend. And I mean really LISTEN to yourself. Examine your behavior to an extreme. But then you begin to act differently, no doubt.

Is this not acting yourself? What is it exactly?

Yes. So much that intertwines within itself. There is far more I could and would quite possibly like to explore and understand. And these are things I came across by my reactions off of other people. Actions that I observe discomfort ME as an individual, I am then inclined to see if I am the very same way-- or to then avoid this. These are things that immediately translated into an era of self-exploration.

My incessant, self wanderings should cease for now.
These are certainly things that I think aren’t bad for anyone to ponder.

That’s my story.

-Angela