A post updating the last few days

[angelak]

Tuesday night consisted of a decided effort to cook SOMETHING, coupled with eagerness to prepare something for someone.

I made meatloaf for dinner and Khaya came over to share. I could have made it for myself, but I have to admit it’s far more fun to cook for that special someone.
Talking over dinner was fun and of course sleepiness and bedtime was fun too.

So yesterday was nice.
I grabbed Rufus and walked along Highlands Drive until nightfall. This totaled to be nearly a 2 hour stroll.
It was peaceful, and meditative... I had lots of things I was thinking over. Unfortunately I don’t think I came any closer to a conclusion in the end.
As usual, there’s always 2 sides to everything. And as usual, my mind leaps from one side to the other, back and forth and back forth, quite frequently.

One thing I am certain of. I’m excited for Fires of Lughnasadh. On that note, though? I also have a self-commitment of hiking and ensuring my health comes first. So, my priorities for the summer are definitely a combination of FoL and hiking, as hiking took a backseat last summer, and that was a less than pretty thing for me.

There were people and or situations I meditated on. But with all those things, I came to less of a distinct awareness. And perhaps it all lies in a place where you cannot rely on thought anymore. I really don’t know.

One of the things that is important for any healing to occur in these areas of my life, is becoming clear to me.

1- Either the people/situations are to exit my life entirely
2- Or I need to be involved in their lives, or I cannot heal.

So, more and more clarity may or may not be shed on this topic. Yeah, I’m vague. No, this isn’t meant to be a communicator for anyone aside from me.
It has entered my awareness that part of what holds me back from healing is the utter lack of involvement, and yet the periodic opportunities to BE involved inflame any hurt that may have been there. More to be discussed and meditated on.

None the less....

We made it home and chilled [with Fritz]... until bedtime. Bed time phone call... was pleasant.
Sleep befell on me quickly.
Morning came.

AND in the end morning? I made an effort to buy good coffee instead of sludge, and thereby spilled it all over myself while trying to help Margaret set up the projector. It got all over my shirt and jeans.

Ran across the street, with half of my remaining coffee left...
And then?
I proceeded to spill it accidentally all over my front door as I tried to get in to get un-coffeed clothing. Wasn’t quite the beverage day for me.
I came back and tried to drink some crappy All City Meeting coffee... but it just tasted too shitty and all my motivation had been thwarted by that time.
HOW sad.

So I didn’t have my coffee.
It’s still a good day, though I know I should look forward to some independent time this evening, there’s that silly part of me that wishes I could see the fr00t. AKA Khaya. But alone time is good. A very good thing. For all people.

I can mow my lawn—and perhaps go for another walk, this time bringing the little butthead along. AKA, Fritz. He could use some wearing out. Ask Khaya. ;)

And, of course. Left-over meatloaf does sound mighty pleasant. And I should make plans [YES, planning makes me actually more motivated for things...] to cook something else yummy.

But then, Thursday I’ll probably see Khaya and Friday we’re going out to dinner... so, I guess that leaves one of the weekend days, and my whole goal and strategy was to cook without being watched, because I watch people so much, [their EVERY minute move...] that I become extensively self conscious in and of little things like. Cooking. [Even though it totally turns me on to watch a man cook for me.] Perhaps I should just chill the fuck out.
Well. We all have crazy things we need to work on.
Muahaha.
I mean hell. Maybe he might enjoy that same pleasure.


Much love,
-Angela

Comments

[centeruniverse.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about cooking. I have a very maternal side that just...gets off on supplying food to those I love. It's the same side of me that gets angry when I find out that a friend of mine hasn't been eating due to money issues and hadn't even asked if he could come hang out with me.

But we hung out day before yesterday. And I fed him until he couldn't eat anymore. And life is good.

eeee

[ithisia.livejournal.com]

:)
Yeah.
Cool to hear ;)
Life IS good.
jepps jepps jepps.

-Angela