So far this week has been bizarre. I mean, I’ve gotten more sleep than usual, yes…. First the BAD of the week….
I failed the HAM test and felt completely humiliated [I’ve failed very few things, and this is something I REALLY WANT …] So I am prepared to take it again on my own time. James wants to take it with me. That’s fine. I failed the test by 2 questions! That’s okay. I am NOT a fool and I WILL move on. But I was actually pretty upset with myself. Because I was the only one that failed, and generally I pass everything I try at. But I didn’t have nearly as much time in my life to study, and when I did have time, I just felt tired and didn’t bother. So, it is my fault I failed, but I will get it. Besides… when was the last time I felt that crappy about something? A long time! So I shouldn’t be too upset. Crap like that could happen to me ALL the time but it doesn’t. And, as usual… I’m truthful to all my achievements, EVEN my failures. *sighs* So, I’ve finally gotten over the fact that that was humiliating. [It really was!]
ON TO THE GOOD. Steve got a walk-through of the Duplex on Tuesday. He is excited. While on the walk through Barb mentioned she could get us a bigger fridge, and Steve concluded we should keep the futon couch that is there and I already knew we wanted to keep the bar-stools. And as you can tell, it’s almost for sure that I have it. She also asked him when we would be able to move in. He said as soon as possible, so she said that they’ll be TRYING to get us in by November 1st. Do look at the calendar… she called me yesterday and mentioned that to me [because Barb took Steve on the walk through without me. I was too busy failing my HAM radio test. *weeps*] So anyway… Barb was talking to me on the phone and mentioning what a nice guy Steve is, and somehow it just made me proud that Barb got that impression. Barb is skeptical, and gossipy… But, people like Steve don’t have real bad things to beef about, they’re just likable. So, she mentioned that she’d let me know ASAP about what happens and details on the Duplex. So, perhaps I will know today or tomorrow about the details and the Duplex. My heart is in the air about everything. I would just like to know one way or the other. But by the time I KNOW about it, I may be able to move in. Most likely. *sighs*
It’s merely that I like my home a lot now, and I feel comfortable there. It took me so long to stop grudging Sultan. And for the past year, I finally wasn’t upset with the area. And now, it’s probably time to leave. The first time I’ve really been able to spend lots of time with my family, and get close to them. There was that year I was always at Steve’s house with his lousy family, which seemed really hard on me. Because I was always with his family, and they are upsetting people. Nothing like my own family. They’re not accepting… they’re judgmental and they don’t accept people for who they are. They just pick people apart when they’re out of the room… I’ve watched them do it before… two faced!!
So it became really clear to me that I can only be all too thankful that my family is sincere, and it makes sense how both my brother and myself are very honest people. And as for Jill? Who the hell knows about Jill! That girl is in a world of her own, and nobody can cross her little boundaries ……. Not her exes…. Not us… EXCEPT…. Who else? Jeff. But that’s okay. Because clearly every family has it’s oddball, the one that is a little bit outcast… I was always fearing it was me. If Jill is the worst outcast, our family is doing pretty good. Because albeit she’s full of it and into herself and Jeff way more than is healthy… she’s not a failure, and she’s not stupid. She’s just a pill who is inconsiderate upon occasion. She can be rather charismatic and sweet. You just have to catch her at the right moment, or be Jeff.
If I move out this weekend… I know I will be beginning a new part of my life. Samhain is about changes, isn’t it? I’m nervous, apprehensive, all those things I was when I was waiting to GET THIS JOB. I am so happy with this job. I’m working right NOW! Installing Spillman for Rana who needs a new machine at the Front Desk in the Police Department… but I am here on livejournal :P while waiting for the install. What can be said…
Sad thing is… I made a realization the other day. It was about Kelsi and Travis. I’ve finally concluded this whole thing is my fault. I mean, all of it. The fact they aren’t trying. It must be my fault.
I never told anyone this…
There was this one night, when I had been depressed for 2 or 3 months to no avail, when I felt fat, unhappy, lonely, and overall depressed. And I kept seeing their AIM names, as they were online, and again, they didn’t message me. And I felt such sorrow and un-surfaced anger, at being so sad for so long, about the misery and how they were feeling none of it…I thought, “why should I be feeling the pain, as they only have their happiness?” So, I wrote down all of their screen names on a piece of paper. To me I thought this was only involving ME. In fact, I wasn’t thinking… I was just acting on my heart and wounds that felt raw deep within my soul. But, I wrote their screen names on a slip of paper. And as I did this, I deleted their names from my Trillian lists…deciding with a decisive fervor that I was NOT going to make the first move to contact them. That they should come forward and contact ME. I took the paper outside, and I burned this paper, envisioning my sorrow leaving, envisioning all connections cut, envisioning everything just being consumed, as I spoke some words that I fail to remember now. I just wanted to move on, to feel happy again. And I wanted to grab a hold of my goals and run with them. I wanted either Travis or Kelsi to make a move, call me, e As the paper with the names on it burned into ashes, I visualized nothing harmful of them, I just visualized my own healing, as I felt all my efforts fell to the ground.
I hadn’t intended on a ritual, but when I think back, that’s what it was. Less controlled, less planned… I just did it. I let my feelings take me, and I knew I had to change something, or nothing would ever bring me happiness again. And from then on, things did change. I began exercising more and eating better. It became an obsession, which I let nobody know about really. Nobody else I knew was on this weight-loss goal, but me. And I was ashamed of trying to lose it. Weight was one of those things I had never cared about until last year. I mean, as a teenager, you don’t gain weight generally. In school and high school, you just metabolize things differently. It’s a whole different world than out of school. And when I got out of school, I began to gain weight and fast. I was exhausted from work and my last few quarters of LWTC and I was no longer active, like I had once been. But, That changed. It was like the drug that held me out of depression in regards to the likely Skylight tracts couple. [Kelsi and Trav]. Every time I began to feel bad, I just went for a walk or a hike, and religiously went out at least 3 times a week, and my goal was to be active for 1 hour, 7 days a week. I was generally able to do that about 5 days a week… but surly enough, I lost weight. The only time I allowed myself to eat more, was if I was active. So…. Over time, the connection was cut. But, on my defense, the only thing that drove me to that desperate point was the fact that they didn’t try to change anything prior. But my words and energy didn’t help it in the end. I was, able to pour my heart into getting this job at that point and I began feeling better about myself again, and I was finally feeling better about my body and the rest of me. The sad part was that I had no other friends who really knew what was going on other than Steve. He didn’t know I had practiced that private ritual, late one evening… there are more details involved in the whole thing, BUT… that’s enough.
I’ve concluded because I sent out my energy and it was also not within a cast circle or anything that it just went out in a manner I would not have chosen. All a learning experience… *sighs* So, anyway. I’ve concluded it’s my fault they’ve completely dropped me. I thought it was before, but I’ve got different reasoning behind it now. Anyway, here’s a crazy thought… SIGNING A LEASE ON SAMHAIN????
Conversation with Steve in regards to Duplex… this is hitting home:
[09:15] KS Angela: and she said she'd let me know asap anything new
[09:15] KS Angela: I'd like to know by Friday eheh...
[09:15] FMCMHELLO: yeah
[09:15] KS Angela: cause when are we supposed to sign this lease, you know?
[09:15] FMCMHELLO: yeah
[09:15] KS Angela: it has to be Friday
[09:16] FMCMHELLO: which is why I think the meeting would be today, lease sign Friday
[09:16] KS Angela: if they are going to have us in by Nov 1
[09:16] KS Angela: then they have to have us sign on Friday
[09:16] KS Angela: that's a little creepy
[09:16] KS Angela: signing a lease on Samhain....
-Angela
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